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Snarky is Kind to Herself


Snarkyfishguts

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Today they are moving my grandfather into hospice care. In the next few weeks, I'll be attending a funeral, my annoying uncle will be here, my aunt may fly in and my mother will be sad, mad, and many other things.  I will be tired, and I will want to over-eat, drink too much and become anxious and self-destructive. 

 

So this challenge is simple. Be kind to myself. Instead of eating and drinking my feelings, I'm going to go for walks, play the ukulele and journal. I'm going to eat healthy foods that will make me feel better, and I will give myself permission to walk away from my family when they are overwhelming me.

 

Self-healing, not self-destruction. 

 

I'm going to go eat some fruit now.  

 

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1 hour ago, MaD MaLKaV said:

"Be kind to myself" sounds like a great theme!  Sounds like you've given some thought to what you really need.  I wish you the best with this challenge.

 

Thanks! I appreciate the kind words :) It turns out the uncles are opting to not transfer him to hospice yet. He's supposed to be clearer today. I'm going over to check it out for myself. It's not that I don't trust them, but I don't trust them to be looking at the situation objectively. He's their father, and no matter the past, it still matters.

 

Your challenge is reminding me that I need to go floss. :)

 

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I went to visit my grandpap yesterday, and he seems better! He's still so sick though. But his breath sounds are improving, he's able to respond a little better, and the pain has subsided enough that they cut back his morphine a little. 

Did he have a stroke? Is he just sick? It's come on so fast, and he's definitely not in the clear, but I have a lot more hope than I did yesterday morning. 

 

I ate too much yesterday, but I spent a long time with my cousin processing everything, and I'm really grateful for her friendship. It makes the difficult stuff easier.  Then instead of eating a box of ice cream sandwiches, I took a bath and listened to Hugh Bonneville narrate Paddington stories. Which is absolutely brilliant.

 

I'm going to tell you a secret joy of mine. You know the exaggerated chicken noises? Bawk bawk bawwwk. I like to sing songs in chicken voice. It's SO MUCH FUN. Give it a try. All songs are better "bawk bawk bawk baaaaawk" 

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Mom is coming home tomorrow. He’s worsened a bit since yesterday. She needs to come home. My brother and I went to see Pap tonight and we sang songs. I think he heard us. I visited him earlier too when they said he was unresponsive. He was....not great. 

 

I am exhausted. I stayed in bed until noon today, but I feel like I’m running races all day. I just need him to make it until Mom gets here to say goodbye. 

 

I am okay. I am not okay. But that’s okay. He comes first right now. Because everyone else just sits there, and I don’t blame them. I get the shock. I do. But I need to find a way to deal now, and recover now because I am go8ng to be a wreck when this is done at this rate.

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My brother and I went to see him last night. I brought my ukulele and we sang songs. Some nice ones, and some silly ones. He was mostly unresponsive except twice. His eyes watered when I sang a song for him I always sing, and his eyes brightened and his lips moved when my brother sang “you are my sunshine”  we kissed him goodbye and said we loved him so I had and he was in good hands with his favorite care staff. I felt relieved knowing the two women he loved would make sure he was comfortable all night. 

 

He died this morning. 

 

I have a lot to do today. Keeping busy is good. I cried last night a lot. I think I knew it was the last time I’d see him in his eyes. I do believe in Heaven, and I do believe that the afterlife is a fun place with music and laughter and good food and company. He was so unhappy for so long, and he’s missed my grandmother all these years. I like to think they are together and happy. 

 

I moved some workout equipment into my bedroom. I plan on exercising each morning while the funeral and relatives are here. Mostly strength training and yoga. I’ll go for walks around the neighborhood, probably with someone, which isn’t bad. But some quiet yoga and meditation time each morning will keep me from eating all my feelings. I might need some “special”water too. That’s vodka, lol.  Okay, I can’t drink my way through it, but I’m going to channel my energies into knitting, cooking and cleaning for a while. I bought some puzzles we can do together too. Something cheerful looking but doesn’t require a lot of energy. 

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss.

 

36 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

moved some workout equipment into my bedroom. I plan on exercising each morning while the funeral and relatives are here. Mostly strength training and yoga. I’ll go for walks around the neighborhood, probably with someone, which isn’t bad. But some quiet yoga and meditation time each morning will keep me from eating all my feelings. I might need some “special”water too. That’s vodka, lol.  Okay, I can’t drink my way through it, but I’m going to channel my energies into knitting, cooking and cleaning for a while. I bought some puzzles we can do together too. Something cheerful looking but doesn’t require a lot of energy.

This is a good plan.  Take care.

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@Snarkyfishguts: So sorry for your loss. We're here for you. Please continue to post as you are able, and we'll be here to support you. You've got a whole tribe of druids behind you!

 

Please remember to take care of yourself first. It's not selfish. It's necessary to be the best you can be for others who need you. That includes doubling down on what you put into your body. Please please please take care of yourself! *Loves* *sending prayers and positive energy your way*

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21 hours ago, Vibrantella said:

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

This is a good plan.  Take care.

Thanks. I appreciate that. It’s a lot of mixed feelings. 

19 hours ago, campbellmc22 said:

@Snarkyfishguts: So sorry for your loss. We're here for you. Please continue to post as you are able, and we'll be here to support you. You've got a whole tribe of druids behind you!

 

Please remember to take care of yourself first. It's not selfish. It's necessary to be the best you can be for others who need you. That includes doubling down on what you put into your body. Please please please take care of yourself! *Loves* *sending prayers and positive energy your way*

Thank you so much.  I needed the reminder. I ate chicken last night with broccoli, and drank a lot of water. Yeah, I ate chocolate too :) But it felt better than putting junk in. 

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I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. My parent’s are back home, and even at 37,  I just needed them here. They don’t have to do anything, I just am happy they’re here and okay. 

 

My mom told me that he was a great baseball player. Everyone wanted him on their team because he was so strong he always hit a home run. “Everyone backed up when he was at bat because he hit the ball so far. And then sometimes he’d trick them and bunt.” And she laughed. He loved being strong. He would’ve hated to be immobile in bed for too long. It’s better it didn’t last longer than it did.  

 

I also learned that he LOVED the Meatball song “On top of spaghetti,all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meeeeeeatball, when somebody sneeeeezed”. Which is the last song we sang to him. We were just trying to leave on a fun note, but it turns out, we chose an awesome last song. :)

 

today I am making cookie doughs, and doing some laundry and ironing. We’ve lucked out in that my aunt and uncle are staying with us, and my other uncle who drives me nuts a lot is staying with my other uncle. And my aunt’s children are staying in a hotel with their husbands and kids and she told them frankly she couldn’t stand the chaos of all of them under one roof and she needed the peace and company of my mother. And we need the peace too.

 

Writing about it here has been really helpful. Its’ been a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings, and I appreciate it so very much.

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Reading your story has been helpful for me too. I know it may be selfish in your time of need, but it reminds me to meditate and send positive love your way. There is so much peace to find in the chaos of family. You are blessed to have the commotion in your life coupled with your family setting boundaries about how much chaos y'all can handle. Boundary-setting is a gift. Not everybody has that skill.

 

Hope the chicken and broccoli nourished your body and the chocolate (in moderation?) nourished your aching spirit. You are loved.

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7 hours ago, campbellmc22 said:

There is so much peace to find in the chaos of family.

This, I will be repeating to myself when I feel overwhelmed this week. It brings back the importance of being together. Thank you, thank you!

5 hours ago, MaD MaLKaV said:

So sorry for your loss.  Glad you had a nice last visit with him with an awesome last song!  Keep taking care of yourself.

Oh my gosh thank you and do you know what? I learned the full story behind the song. He actually hated it. My mom used to sing it ad nauseam when she was a girl and he would grumble how the lyrics don’t even make sense. In a way, it was perfect that her children sang it to him as a final song. She got to be there in a way. I hope he was laughing with us. 

 

 

Update:

I took two naps today that lasted several hours. I’m so tired! Tonight I am going to knit! I am resuming my quest to finish my blanket of knitted  squares. 

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Today I paid my bills online, and I'm pretty sure I overpaid a couple of them. 

 

I miss him today. I usually visit him Wednesdays and Thursdays. 

 

 We have viewings today, which means a lot of emotional people are going to be there. My mother and I are angry grievers, angry worriers :) We promised to look out for each other in case we have relatives that get too mushy and maudlin.  Everyone grieves in their own way. We clean stuff, bake cookies, and tell jokes until we cry. Then it's quiet hugs and tea. 

 

Ugh. UGH.  I'm going to go work out. I'm irritating myself 

 

 

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The viewings were yesterday. I learned that my grandfather called me The Old Maid behind my back. Which was unkind to tell me. But now i know. He used to tell me I was a spinster and I told him he was an old fart. But that was between us, and it hurt my feelings then. I did so much for him, and he made fun of me. 

But it was good for me too. It helped me remember he wasn't all good and there are things about him that were really annoying too. It makes the day easier.  

We have the funeral today, then family is going home tomorrow. My aunt and uncle will stay until sunday morning. That's not too bad either. Then we move forward.

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I'm really sorry about your grandad snarky. And whether he loved or hated the song you sang to him, it sounds like it was significant to him either way. I don't know why anyone would think telling you he called you that behind your back was a good idea, but maybe giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he meant it in a playfully teasing way is the best approach since he can't tell you his intentions himself.

You are loved and you know where to find me if you need to talk x


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I'm so sorry for your loss, Snarky.  It was lovely of you to spend so much time visiting with him.  I am sure that meant a lot to him and that he appreciated it.  

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4 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

there are things about him that were really annoying too.

 

I'm so sorry your day was peppered with these kind of revelations. Reality is always somewhere in the middle when we remember our loved ones. It sounds like you have a good approach to balance your good memories and remember that he was only human. 

The term "old maid" is so antiquated anyway. It is none of anyone's business if you are married yet. This isn't the 19th century where you needed to find a husband or you would starve. You can be your own person in any way you'd like. Married or unmarried. It's that kind of strength and courage that leads us toward the people we want to surround ourselves with - whether partner or friends. 

 

You are amazing - just the way you are. I know this because I've read how you're handling this rough time in your life. Keep up the good work.

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On 3/23/2018 at 8:52 AM, deftona said:

I'm really sorry about your grandad snarky. And whether he loved or hated the song you sang to him, it sounds like it was significant to him either way. I don't know why anyone would think telling you he called you that behind your back was a good idea, but maybe giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he meant it in a playfully teasing way is the best approach since he can't tell you his intentions himself.

You are loved and you know where to find me if you need to talk x


Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk
 

He was mean sometimes, but he and I could tease each other, so I hope he meant it that way. My great uncle was really worried  he hurt my feelings, and I decided to let it go. I know I said a lot of dumb ass things over the last few days, and this isn’t the time for bad feelings. 

 

Thanks for the love!

 

 

23 hours ago, LadyShello said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, Snarky.  It was lovely of you to spend so much time visiting with him.  I am sure that meant a lot to him and that he appreciated it.  

Thanks Shello! (Hugs)

20 hours ago, campbellmc22 said:

 

I'm so sorry your day was peppered with these kind of revelations. Reality is always somewhere in the middle when we remember our loved ones. It sounds like you have a good approach to balance your good memories and remember that he was only human. 

The term "old maid" is so antiquated anyway. It is none of anyone's business if you are married yet. This isn't the 19th century where you needed to find a husband or you would starve. You can be your own person in any way you'd like. Married or unmarried. It's that kind of strength and courage that leads us toward the people we want to surround ourselves with - whether partner or friends. 

 

You are amazing - just the way you are. I know this because I've read how you're handling this rough time in your life. Keep up the good work.

A family friend found out about the old maid comment and yelled at my great uncle that SHE got married in her late forties and if she hadn’t met her now husband, she would be unmarried and awesome and nobody was an OLD MAID. Lol. I hugged her then hugged my great uncle and it was all forgiven. She wasn’t mean to him, she was literally like “let me tell you something mister,”. I didn’t need her to intervene like that, but it was awesome.my aunt shared stories about the rude things my grandfather said to her and said “well, there’s no point in being angry with him now.” And the lesson sunk in well.  In the end, we were all getting along well and I feel like we’re closer as a family. 

 

I also want to clarify my great uncle is the one who was telling the story, not me. My brother and I agreed to not say anything about it,  I just came home and wrote about it :)

 

 

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Today we are cleaning out Grandpap’s room at the home. We’re not worrying about the house until summer,  but the room needs cleaning now. We’re all getting together to do it, which is probably too many people, but I think we all need to be in the empty room and let it sink in that he hasn’t been there all week. 

 

I am ready to move on with our lives. That sounds rude, but the last couple days felt like we were staying around too long. We used to visit my grandfather and when we were staying too long, he’d look at his watch. I feel like he was looking at his watch all day yesterday saying “ haven’t you left yet?” 

 

Which cracks me up 

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Everyone has gone home! Last night we had my annoying cousin and her annoying kids over and my uncles came over too, and it wasn't a bad evening, but everyone is tired. I think they just keep coming over because it's like "Well, shit, now what?"

 

My aunt and uncle left early this morning, and now the house is quiet. I've started cleaning things up and restoring order and it feels good. My brother wants to bring the kids over tonight, because my folks haven't seen them in a while. Mom just texted "Bring ice cream" 

 

As I type this, I think "It seems unfair to say some family is better to have around than others". But the difference becomes how much they give and take. not in terms of presents, but in emotional exchanges. Some people wear their grief like tiaras and fur coats. No one suffers like they suffer and how DARE YOU ASK ANYTHING of them, they are GRIEVING.  Others are quietly bringing sandwiches, just sitting with a mixture of remembering and every day talk and checking in. "You okay?"  There's a give and take. 

 

Today we're doing laundry, and I'm finally washing the clothes I brought home from vacation. Isn't that weird?

 

Today we're just relaxing and puttering. Tomorrow begins the weight loss efforts and the avoidance of post-stressful-event binge eating.

 

Can I tell you how relieved I am? When I started this challenged, I thought we would be taking the entire challenge of grandpap in a sickbed, and funerals and relatives, and it's all over in a week. Relieved not just for me, but for Pap. He HATED the idea of being bedridden, HATED it. The fact he was only stuck in bed for a few days instead of weeks, thank heavens. 

 

Also, we might have had to deal with more family for longer periods of time :D:D:D Pap and I both would've hated that.  

 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for giving me this space to process everything that happened and to share my feelings. I couldn't have gotten through the week if I didn't have this. Well, I could've, but there would have been a lot more cake involved :) Thank you for being my emotional cake.

 

That sounds weird. But you known what I mean.  You're appreciated.

 

 

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