PettyMort's Last Best Hope for Victory

[PettyMort]

All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath . . . waiting. All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments of revelation.

This had the feeling of both.

 

G'Quon wrote, "There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way.

The war we fight is not against powers and principalities – it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender."

 

The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.

 

 

Big Why

 

I have respawned more times than I can count. And I think the main reason is that my big why wasn't strong enough, or big enough, or revisited often enough. I always start out strong but then something happens to disrupt the routine, or I get distracted, or lose focus, and it all comes crumbling down again. I was having a deep conversation with my partner and he said, "I wish you could just be happy with yourself the way you are, and I think you would be happier overall if you just accepted yourself as you are, instead of constantly trying and failing." I understand what he was trying to say, but I think there is a fundamental part of me that says, "You could be better." It says, "You weren't always like this, and staying this way is a failure." There's a logical part of it that says, "A healthier lifestyle would be good for your mental health because endorphins are a great remedy for depression," and "Most of your depression and insecurity comes from being unhappy with the state of your health and appearance, your inability to buy clothes, the loss of looks you once had under pounds of extra flesh, and being too unfit to do things you used to be able to do so easily."

 

So, while I appreciate that he was saying what he said from a place of love and with the hope that I would love myself as much as he loves me, and be happy with myself in who I am now, I think that I will respectfully disagree.

 

I deserve to be in the best condition I can be. I owe it to myself to look after my body. When I know what the right choices are, it makes no sense that I keep making the wrong choices.

 

SMART Goals/Quest list

This is a master list; I won't work on them all at once but I will work towards these big goals with the challenges.

Nutrition:

1. Eating planned meals according to macros: 33P/29C/38F

2. Weighing and tracking food on MFP for at least 30 consecutive days

3. Phasing out carbonated drinks (including diet soda) in favour of water, tea and black coffee.

4. Cutting down on sugar and processed foods over time.

5. Reducing take-out meals to 3 times a week.

 

Mental:

1. Getting control of my depression through meds and therapy.

2. Improving self-care such as brushing my teeth at least twice a day for a month.

3. Meditating every day for a month.

4. Overcoming social media addiction.

5. Updating progress here at least once a day.

6. Using my bullet journal to manage my time effectively.

7. Doing deep thinking about relationship stuff to improve our communication.

8. Tidying the apartment for 30 minutes every day.

9. Completing a konmari of the apartment before we move to Ecuador.

10. Quit smoking.

11. Developing real life, sincere friendships.

 

Fitness

1. Exercising every day (30 day fitness challenge app).

2. Building a regular workout routine (on paper and in practice).

3. Developing a yoga practice routine on my rest days.

4. Spending at least 30 minutes outside each day (once I have left China and its air pollution).

5. Swimming at least once a week.

6. Do a 2 minute plank.

7. Do a pull up.

8. Run a 5k.

9. Climb a volcano.

 

And if anything pops up to throw me off track, I will be prepared. After all,

 

 

 

[PettyMort]

Well, here we go. I did it. I deactivated my facebook account. Now this battle log is the only place where I can report on my daily whatevers, and even then, I have never really been active here so I haven't built up much of a community circle. It's less about the likes and comments, and more about recording stuff for my own benefit. I feel twitchy. I feel like I'm missing out.

 

But it's silly. Why did I use facebook? To waste time? To see memes, news...? To keep in touch with friends and family? I can still do all that. Well, hopefully less of the time wasting, but - want memes? Imgur. Reddit. Want news? The Guardian, Washington Post, CNN, BBC, etc. Want to keep in touch with friends and family? I still have access to messenger and skype; I can just start a conversation.

 

It's funny how Facebook was such a major part of my life but now I've snapped back to reality.

 

Whoops. There goes gravity.

 

 

 

Eminem: Nostradamus of our time.

[PettyMort]

Coming to the end of day 2 of my respawn. Here's what I'm working on at the moment:

 

Nutrition: tracking meals, trying to build a 30 day streak on mfp

Fitness: daily exercise, either using the 30 day fitness challenge app (very basic workouts, but getting into the habit) or yoga on rest days.

Mental: trying to embrace minimalism a little more. Step one of this is deactivating my FB profile, which I did on day 1. Also reading for 30 minutes a day before bed.

Life: adulting - doing 30 minutes of cleaning every day.

 

Bonus: 50 squats per day challenge.

 

So far so good. The thing I thought would be the most challenging was deactivating facebook, but I've been satisfied with this forum and imgur, and I'll get my fix on Friday with Twisted Sifter's shirk report. It's forced me to go back to more old school ways of getting information, which means I am more focused. Instead of mindlessly scrolling, I have to consider what I feel like seeing and go to where I could find it. I'm also taking conversations with people less for granted because there isn't this ongoing background murmur of statuses and comments.

 

Today I did 2 days of the 30 day challenge because I skipped one a while back and thought I should make it up:

 

Jumping jacks 40

Wall push ups 6

Step up onto chair 20

Sit ups 10

Mountain climber 20

Push ups 6

Abdominal crunches 20

Side lunges 20

Butt bridge 10

Plank 40s

(rest)

Push ups 10

Bird dog 16

Lunges 20

Straight arm plank 45s

 

I also took measurements this morning, although I'm horribly bloated from that time of the month, so they weren't anything special. A little too close to 100kg for my comfort but I guess the bigger you start, the bigger the difference later.

 

 

Oh, and in a fit of insanity, I signed up for my first 5k this Saturday. I have not gone running in at least 6 months but I think if I break it into intervals I might survive. Plus I have Sunday to be comatose.

 

[PettyMort]

I think the hardest part right now is the food. Since I've been off the wagon for so long, I think I'm going to ease up on this goal and just try to keep a tracking streak without worrying too much about hitting the macros. Little steps.

Just finished episode 4x08 of Babylon 5 (if you haven't guessed by now, I'm watching it for the first time and loving it) which means that after I complete all my daily stuff tonight I get to watch one of the movies! Hooray!

[Ann of Owlshire]

On 3/25/2018 at 1:01 PM, PettyMort said:

Why did I use facebook? To waste time? To see memes, news...? To keep in touch with friends and family? I can still do all that. Well, hopefully less of the time wasting, but - want memes? Imgur. Reddit. Want news? The Guardian, Washington Post, CNN, BBC, etc. Want to keep in touch with friends and family? I still have access to messenger and skype; I can just start a conversation.

 

I came to this same conclusion a while back. I thought I'd use it more to keep contact with friends when I moved overseas, but honestly if I want to have a real conversation with them I just end up emailing or IMing them through Messenger. Even with aggressive filters/blockers on my Newsfeed, I feel like I'm trawling through a lot of madcap just trying to see how their day/life is going. While I haven't formally deactivated FB (the husband uses it more extensively as he's a networker), I rarely touch it except for targeted usage like RSVPing to events to make headcount easier for the organizer.

 

Also, following  Good luck!

[PettyMort]

I think living in China has been good for getting past the Facebook-for-events aspect. Because they block it here, most events are organised through the Chinese app "Wechat" (like whatsapp). So I'm really not missing out on anything. Not that I went out much to begin with... This afternoon, when I was waiting for my shift to be over so I could go home, the hours seemed to go on forever without the time sink of facebook. I didn't actually have anything more I needed to do, since reports went out yesterday and it's a while before the next stuff is due. I need to start reading at times like that, I guess. Or working on my Spanish.

 

Foodwise I'm glad I decided to just track rather than try to stay within my macros. My favourite salad delivery place has reopened but they're using a different app, and... I accidentally ordered double for dinner. I put some of it (but definitely less than half) in the fridge for tomorrow. On top of that, my biltong delivery arrived at the same time, and who can say no to biltong? So, I'm pretty much waaaaaay over macros for the day. Luckily lunch was quite light so it's not a complete disaster. Tomorrow will be better.

 

[PettyMort]

Urgh. Apparently today's Fun includes waves of nausea. Definitely not pregnant.

It turns out that I can use FB messenger without reactivating my account. My parents are in Amsterdam so that means I am missing out on the red light district photos but I asked my dad to share the external link.

I'm starting to feel the DOMS from the daily squat challenge. Probably compounded by six year olds challenging me to do wall sits and then deciding I was a comfy chair for as many small children as could fit before I fell down (4). I'm getting a little bit nervous about the 5k on Saturday but the good news is we've got a week long holiday for me to recover.

Sterkte!

[PettyMort]

Just caught myself about to log into facebook from habit. Phew! Weird how it's like muscle memory. Sit down, open laptop, instantly type in the url...

 

Today we took my class for a walk through the blooming canola fields. They're just as beautiful as last year and it was really amazing. I took some photos:

 

 

[PettyMort]

Just did round 2 of mixing and tearing paper to make pulp for recycling tomorrow with my class. The kids poured pulp water all over me so now I look like I lost a fight with a tissue monster.

My test piece came out pretty well and I want to show it off, but...no facebook.

 

So...

HERE! Behold the papier du puke!

 

 

 

[PettyMort]

Some tracking:

 

Yesterday was a rest day so I did some sun salutations to work out a bit of the DOMS. Everything else was ticked.

 

Today's workout:

Wall Push-ups 6

Reverse crunches 20

Step up onto chair 20

Mountain climber 20 (curse my dodgy clicking hip; these suck)

Abdominal crunches 20

Side lunges 20

Modified Push-ups 6

Plank 45 seconds

 

Did 26 squats with the kiddoes this morning and I'm about to do the remaining 24 (the workout was a bit hectic after my dinner, so in future I'll work out while I wait for my food to arrive).

 

Cleaned up the sofa aka take-out dumping ground.

 

Still no facebook but I installed messenger to keep in touch with friends and family. I think today I slipped a bit into facebooky habits by posting stuff here instead, which is just substituting one for the other and not really the aim. I need to try to limit that, I think. Tracked meals, including pizza and ice cream. Still within my calorie allowance thanks to my healthy lunch subscription, but keeping the goal simple means I track the bad stuff and not just when I feel like I'm successfully choosing healthy meals. I am still trying to eat healthy. Hit my protein goal by eating biltong which is A-OK by me.

[WolfDreamer]

Our challenges are very similar (the focus on nutrition, mindfulness, and fitness). And your progress is looking good.

 

On 3/25/2018 at 7:11 AM, PettyMort said:

but then something happens to disrupt the routine, or I get distracted, or lose focus, and it all comes crumbling down again.

 

This has happened to me, as well. Every. Single. Time. I have learned to just keep going and do what I can when I can, and I always feel better afterwards. Whether it's some burpees, a quick sprint, a few minutes of meditation, anything other than sitting and dwelling on whatever is bothering me.

 

Let me know if I can help in any way.

[PettyMort]

Our challenges are very similar (the focus on nutrition, mindfulness, and fitness). And your progress is looking good.
 
 
This has happened to me, as well. Every. Single. Time. I have learned to just keep going and do what I can when I can, and I always feel better afterwards. Whether it's some burpees, a quick sprint, a few minutes of meditation, anything other than sitting and dwelling on whatever is bothering me.
 
Let me know if I can help in any way.

That's a good idea.

Tracking for yesterday:

I had a really busy and exhausting day at work so I didn't track my food although I didn't make any unhealthy decisions. Did 30 squats in the morning to catch up on missed squats the day before and another 50 while waiting for dinner to be ready. Then I dozed off while reading so I decided to listen to my body and went to bed at 8:30 instead of my workout. I'll double up on the workout today to make up for it.

30 minutes of cleaning in my class after we recycled paper and crayons.

Tomorrow is race day and I got my team shirt so no backing out now.

[PettyMort]

I did it! Since this was my first 5k, my goals were:
1. Don't flake out. Do the thing.
2. Run at least half the time.
3. Have fun.
4. Finish it.

100% successful.

[Ann of Owlshire]

Fantastic on running your first 5k!

[PettyMort]

Skipped tracking yesterday but here's today's:

Workout: 5k run
Cleaning: took out the trash and scrubbed down my shower
Food: tracked all of it
Squats: skipped because of the run
And now I'm about to read in bed.

Felt the urge to Facebook my running but didn't. Finished off season 4 of Babylon 5 and the Beginnings movie and... Sob.

Fiancé and I have been toying with the idea of eloping in Vegas this summer, which was a great idea last night after he had had a few beers but becomes daunting when we talk about the logistics of it. He says he's going to look into it though. Things are pretty good all round.

[PettyMort]

Workout: jumping jacks 40
Wall push ups 7
Mountain climbers 20
Side lunges 20
Butt bridges 20
Reverse crunches 20
Push ups 7
Plank 45 seconds
Squats 50

Cleaning: tidied lounge and vacuumed, tidied bathroom counter top, did laundry

Food: tracked

[PettyMort]

Dear me,

Ok. That's enough chocolate for one day. I don't care if it is Easter. Just because the chocolate is there doesn't mean you need to eat it all at once. You can have a couple of pieces tomorrow. It won't kill you to wait.

Love,
Me

[PettyMort]

I really enjoyed that park run. To the point where I'm thinking of starting up couch 2 5k again. But the pollution... Ugh. And my gym has reopened since they renovated but they're much more expensive now and my trainer moved back to his hometown. So maybe swimming in the school pool instead. I could use the school gym but it's all windows and right by the gate so it feels like a damn fish bowl. Fiancé uses it though and it would be nice to build a pattern of working out together.

We've been trying out this poly thing for about a month now and after a rocky first two weeks we've come to a balance and it's going great. We communicate better now and we're appreciating time with each other more. He leaves for a romantic couple of days with his girlfriend today and I thought I would be less okay with it than I actually am. While he's gone he has asked me to do some thinking about some stuff. We had a good talk last night and it may be a goal for the next 4 week challenge: PettyMort revs up her libido through exercise and other fun things. Could be a very fun and slightly inappropriate challenge. Heh.

I was hoping to go ride bikes in the park with some friends but it's rainy and will probably stay rainy until they've gone to Beijing for tomb sweeping. Oh well.

[PettyMort]

Today's workout + 30 minute DownDog yoga session.

 

Plus some Fit Tap fun :

 

10 half jacks

20 modified burpees because of my clicky hip

60 backfists

20 half pistol squats (more like quarter pistol squats - didn't go very deep at all)

 

I think I need to incorporate more punching things into my workouts. I'm going to do the new scifi darebee story thing when I've finished this 30 day fitness challenge. I love the darebee workouts.

 

I have definitely hit "workout because nothing else to do" mode. I thought the race would be a good jump start to my workouts. Feels pretty darn good.

 

I can't remember if I did my 50 squats this morning so I'm going to do them again(?) anyway just in case. Where is all this energy coming from?

[PettyMort]

Oh man. I just finished season 5 of bab5 and I'm an emotional wreck.

Sob.

[PettyMort]

Is Babylon 5: Crusades really worth watching? I'm not sold so far.

 

Some serious underpants-collecting happening today. The weather is nice so I figured I'd go for a bike ride. Then I decided to charge my ipod. Then I decided I needed to update the audiobooks on it. Had to install itunes on my new laptop to do that. Then I figured I might as well import all my audiobooks to it. Then I decided to look for more... Then it was almost 11:30 so I figured I should wait for my lunch to be delivered (every day around 11:15)... Then I decided to eat said lunch. 

 

BEHOLD MY MOUNTAIN OF UNDERPANTS! I AM THE QUEEN OF UNDERPANTS!

 

Brb, going for a bike ride.

 

[PettyMort]

Scratch that. I appear to have lost my bicycle lock's keys. I might have seen them at work but it's all locked up for the holidays now. 

 

[PettyMort]

Slammed my fingers in a door while looking for my martha forking keys. Guess I'm cleaning the apartment today to try to find the martha forking keys. So full of rage about the martha forking keys.

 

I remember picking them up and going "What the f*ck are these keys for?" but I don't remember where that was (at work or at home) and what I did with them next. I suspect I might have thrown them away in a fit of idiocy. 

 

[PettyMort]

Today just ended up being one of those days where everything goes wrong. After cleaning up a bit, I decided to take a break, and ordered some sushi. Of course, they were out of salmon and replaced absolutely everything with crab sticks (the conversation on the phone was in Chinese and my strategy is just to say "ok" to whatever they say and hope food appears), so, basically sushi hell for me, since I hate crab sticks.

 

Ugh, I just feel like I'm a mess of negativity today. Going to give myself a day off from tracking and pick up again tomorrow. 

[Ann of Owlshire]

1 hour ago, PettyMort said:

Today just ended up being one of those days where everything goes wrong. After cleaning up a bit, I decided to take a break, and ordered some sushi. Of course, they were out of salmon and replaced absolutely everything with crab sticks (the conversation on the phone was in Chinese and my strategy is just to say "ok" to whatever they say and hope food appears), so, basically sushi hell for me, since I hate crab sticks.

 

Ugh, I just feel like I'm a mess of negativity today. Going to give myself a day off from tracking and pick up again tomorrow. 

 

Sorry to hear the day was rough! Sometimes days just don't go the way we want them to. Here's to tomorrow!

 

Ugh. I'm totally with you on the "crab" sticks. Ick ick ick.