Healers' Group Therapy

[ladylydia]

 This is a thread for people who either because of their job, or just their personality, always seem to be taking care of other people's problems. 

 

                Think of this as a place to come and regroup.  And remember:  

 

                                                                                                         

 

Anyone else find themselves expending a lot of energy to take care others?   List your situation.  

 

 

[ladylydia]

I'm a family law attorney, and clients seem to think I have the power to make the other side become a nicer, more reasonable person. 

[farflight]

school psychologist, youngest in the family (traditional "peace maker" role), caretaker, caregiver, fixer, long ass section that I could probably fill the board with, but I"M HERE!

 

love the idea of this

[Kishi]

I'm a bureaucrat working for DHHS. My job is to examine the validity of disability claims. I deal with people who all believe very, very much that they are disabled, and they want me to believe it too.

 

Problem is, no matter how much I believe them, I can't make a case beyond what the evidence supports, and very often the evidence is not on their side.

 

It's bitter work, but it must be done.

[Maigs]

24 minutes ago, ladylydia said:

I'm a family law attorney, and clients seem to think I have the power to make the other side become a nicer, more reasonable person. 

Is it sad that my first thought was "maybe she can help with my family issue". Any ideas on how to make unfit parents agree to give up custody of their kids to a family member who lives 10 hours away? Mostly joking

[ladylydia]

2 hours ago, Maigahane said:

Is it sad that my first thought was "maybe she can help with my family issue". Any ideas on how to make unfit parents agree to give up custody of their kids to a family member who lives 10 hours away? Mostly joking

You could petition for guardianship.  PM me, we can talk about it. 

[ladyofthebog]

YAY!! You made our group! I love it. Part time hospice RN, mother and wife. I work weekend days doing hospice work which can often be pretty draining but also very fulfilling. I'm an on call nurse which means the vast majority of my time is making visits to patients homes who are "transitioning" (a nebulous term for when someone is likely in their last week of life) or "actively" dying which means imminently dying basically. I also  make death visits, give dignity for the passed and spend time with people's families. I make crisis visits when someone is having an issue and needs a nurse to see them. Being a hospice nurse is interesting because it is a really intuitive practice. It's all about comforting people with your presence- usually that can even mean just holding someone hand, wiping their brow, or really listening.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hospital chaplain here. I also volunteer as a police chaplain, and serve as a semi-official chaplain here on the boards.

[zeroh13]

I'm one of those people that others feel like they can naturally come to with their problems. Sometimes looking for advice. Oftentimes just to get something off their chest. And I've picked up a lot of things from my own time in therapy and researching various topics so I can usually offer something helpful (or at the very least not unintentionally make the person feel worse). A lot of my emotional energy over the years has gone towards my wife who has several mental health issues. She tends to use me as her therapist, though I am quick to remind her that I'm not a professional. But she has a pretty low view of professional mental health care so that point doesn't really mean much to her.

[Echoceanic]

I actually had to end a friendship and a close relationship over this. The person was in a pretty bad situation all their life and they wound up mostly just dumping all of their issues on me, so much that my (reluctant to call it one because I haven't been diagnosed, but it is the only way I can describe those years) depression started coming back. I finally snapped and we parted ways - though we still work together. I have been better ever since. I don't feel guilty about being good anymore and the numbness hasn't been that debilitating - I actually feel my emotions now.

We can be civil to each other, mostly because not only both of us are pretty responsible individuals, but also I realised I need to stop people from dumping things on me and draining me, and that person actually apologised (right as when I was thinking it was mostly my fault oddly enough). Now we're acquaintances, and while things are good I would not ever return to that relationship in any capacity because I know we make each other worse. I tend to want to fix things, and they tend to want to wallow. Sometimes people are just not a good match.

[ladylydia]

I think compartmentalizing, and dissociating from the person is really the only way to deal with a problem person or situation.   Has anyone found anything else that works?

[Kishi]

I haven't found anything like that myself. I have a similar situation with a coworker who essentially wanted to use me as her emotional punching bag, and wanted that relationship to be a one-way street. Eventually, I asserted myself against her, and that was enough to blow up the whole thing. Now, we don't work together, but we both serve in the bureaucracy, and she works on the other side of the building. I have as little to do with her as I can, mostly because my life is so much better without her in it, and it's tricky at times as a mutual friend of ours doesn't seem to care whether she puts us in situations where we're forced to deal with one another or not.

 

But yeah. Keeping her in a box and keeping that box at arm's length seems to be the best way to handle it. I'm not saying reconciliation is impossible - it's not - but it requires a whole lot more effort than most people are willing to give. I think that, in order for that to be viable, all parties involved have to be willing to do so, and if they aren't, then they have to be put away.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

But yeah. Keeping her in a box and keeping that box at arm's length seems to be the best way to handle it. I'm not saying reconciliation is impossible - it's not - but it requires a whole lot more effort than most people are willing to give. I think that, in order for that to be viable, all parties involved have to be willing to do so, and if they aren't, then they have to be put away.

Along this same line, our nature as healers makes us very attractive to people who don't actually want to be well, but want attention. 

There is a story of Jesus of Nazareth in the Christian Scriptures where Jesus asks a beggar "Do you want to be well?" before healing that person. It was a legitimate question. The person had been disabled and therefore a beggar all his life. He may not have wanted to be able to walk, because that would mean getting a job and working for a living rather than having people give him money all day long. The person did want to be well and was healed. That's something we need to gauge in people who come to us for help. If it becomes apparent a needy person doesn't actually want to change, it's best for us not to engage that person anymore. They will only drain us without ever doing anything for themselves.

 

A difficult lesson for people like us to learn is it's not our job to heal everyone.

[The Battle Chef]

Nothing really comparable to you guys, but I'm just a son, helped one parent pass as comfortably as he could, supporting the other as best I can.

[Kishi]

3 minutes ago, Azukmul gro-Dragnar said:

Nothing really comparable to you guys, but I'm just a son, helped one parent pass as comfortably as he could, supporting the other as best I can.

 

Nah, buddy, I'd reckon that compares just fine.

 

You holding up okay?

[The Battle Chef]

1 minute ago, Kishi said:

 

Nah, buddy, I'd reckon that compares just fine.

 

You holding up okay?

For the time being yeah, thanks.  Anniversary of dad's death is coming up next month.  Not sure how smoothly that'll go.  I'm a pretty stoic guy, but I find the past 4 years of my life and likely the next 5 have been spent taking care of the family one way or another.  It can get tiring.