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Diadhuit

Diadhuit takes good care of herself

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I am writing this after bailing in the middle of last two challenges and after one of the worst weeks in my life:

Saturday: two very close friends left the country, probably not to ever come back.

Monday: after working to create a team for my sector at work, with the hope of getting promoted to lead it, a colleague got promoted (she is good though) and I am not even in the team. I had to announce that to my manager. My mentor got signed out of work for depression, his wife got a bad diagnosis, I spoke with my grandad who is 97 in a very rare moment of lucidity (he recognised me, yay!!) and we were both aware it won't probably happen again.

Tuesday: My dad's aunt died (95) 

Wednesday: at work they said the team I am going to be in as someone that puts too much pressure on people, the term "be careful what you wish for" has been repeated over and over and I felt cheated by my boss who said that and said a completely different thing when he explained what the team was. Also, this means I will have now 3 managers, when my struggles of balancing two were enough. I am thinking of leaving this company after 9 months, but if I do I will have to put on hold buying a house.

Thursday: my dad's aunt funeral day, and I am miles away.

Friday: good night out with friends (all in our 30s), but a 17y old girl lied about her age and we realised after paying her drinks (she was not drunk though), and it was nearly impossible to convince her to go home at midnight. Her plan was to get other men to pay her free drinks. She promised she would have gone home and I really felt helpless and guilty and scared for her, but without going into details I think what I did was the best with the cards in hand and that we were supposed to be there for her in that moment. I only hope she will be safe!

 

Now, this can only go better... I realise it's not as bad as many other people are managing... but it was a shitty week.

I think I am better now as the sun came out and it's such a nice day.

 

Food:

I'll check in with myself to know why am I eating and I'll ask myself if I am hungry

I'll prepare breakfast and lunch ahead

 

Exercise:

I do struggle on finding goals for now as I don't know what to do!

I am training for a walk/run 5k the 13th of May early in the morning, and I have a dance workshop the 5th

I'll continue meditative dancing and blues and balfolk as they work very well with both mind and body.

I'll run one day/week

I'll continue walking to Mordor

I'll hula-hoop if I have time and the weather keeps good

 

Self care:

I'll catch my negative thinking

I'll try to meditate each evening

I'll try to monotask at work

I'll continue with the 36 questions

I'll say no if I need to

I'll get a pedicure

I'll observe where I am more joyful

I'll get career advice from a coach

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Ugh. That's a bad week in anyone's book! Deep breaths - and update the resume. Even if it turns out work doesn't turn out as bad as you fear, having a polished resume ready gives you a bit of a moral boost. Trust me in this!

Sent from my ONEPLUS A5010 using Tapatalk

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Ugh. That's a bad week in anyone's book! Deep breaths - and update the resume. Even if it turns out work doesn't turn out as bad as you fear, having a polished resume ready gives you a bit of a moral boost. Trust me in this!

Sent from my ONEPLUS A5010 using Tapatalk


I think my luck did run out last week, but I recharged it
I had a great weekend and got free dinner, free tickets for a movie of my choice and overall good fun! I made a new potential friend too!

Thank you for the recurring mentoring :)
I know, and I already had a lunch with a contact in another company to see if I can/want to jump boats.
But if I want to buy a house and not wait 6 weeks' notice + 6 months probation + all the stress in the search + in a year's time prices in Dublin will be inaccessible!

Gah! Adulting is difficult and I don't want to do it! Can I stomp my feets?
Oh, yes! I want to tell you all something I discovered last challenge and didn't get to mention... pizzica! It's an southern Italian dance that stomps feet to let go of body tensions. They say you can enter a trance-state, but I didn't in the hour long class :)
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*hugs* I am sorry your last week went so rough. And kids are dumb, so that doesn't shock me.

And adulting stinks, but the dance sounds interesting.

You got this. Following to watch you rock it

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I think my luck is back!
I won a 100 euro voucher at work today!

Also, I cornered my boss asking clarification on why did they chose my colleague and not me.
He said he thinks I wouldn't have been happy in the role, and that they didn't think really of a selection, but thought of my colleague as she was already juggling different teams.
He promised that there is an idea of opening a similar position, but more technical and less managerial. It won't be happening before 6months.
I think on one side I could let these months pass preparing for it and buying a house in the meantime. But in reality I better hurry and leave.
Argh! Decisions, decisions!

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Update for Monday and Tuesday


Food:
I'll check in with myself to know why am I eating and I'll ask myself if I am hungry - yay!
I'll prepare breakfast and lunch ahead - yay!
 
Exercise:
I do struggle on finding goals for now as I don't know what to do!
I am training for a walk/run 5k the 13th of May early in the morning, and I have a dance workshop the 5th
I'll continue meditative dancing and blues and balfolk as they work very well with both mind and body.
I'll run one day/week
I'll continue walking to Mordor - yay!
I'll hula-hoop if I have time and the weather keeps good
 
Self care:
I'll catch my negative thinking
I'll try to meditate each evening
I'll try to monotask at work
I'll continue with the 36 questions
I'll say no if I need to - yay! I was asked to help organise an event that has some political relevance, but since this is not my country I stayed away from it
I'll get a pedicure
I'll observe where I am more joyful
I'll get career advice from a coach - I contacted a coach, it's so expensive! Will have to make decisions


Ok, so... I had a chat with my bosses and they didn't choose me not because I was lacking something but because they thought I wouldn't have been happy in the role. Ugh, that is tough to digest. They are probably right, but still happier than be stuck in my role forever?
Promise is that down the line (6 months maybe) there will be a principal sw engineer position and that could be a step toward architect. I am soo out of the door mentally. But I'm sticking as I want to buy a house.
Plan:
- See apartment on Saturday
- update CV and send it
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This is what I thought exactly when I read you post regarding your job.

*hugs* I know the mentally out the door feeling. Hopefully things get better. I am sorry that they made the decision they did.
It happens and it doesn't make it any easier.
Career coach: looking if I can find one through work. It doesn't seem that they are going to. Got a quote and is so expensive!! might do it anyway...
CV: will update it and send it to selected companies on Saturday (two are in my mind)
I dreamed of a contact I have in one of the companies tonight, I took it as a sign... finger crossed
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(((hugs))) 
What an awful week. I'm so sorry. 
 
I love that you're using it to inspire positive change though! 
I can't move but forward. I am in the lucky position to have headhunters looking at my skills. So I better find the company I like before the wind changes :D
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18 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

This is what I thought exactly when I read you post regarding your job.

 

Honestly, I say I am out the door, but I am also afraid. If I leave now, I need to learn a new job while in school, while....  Or I can stay where I am and just ride it out until I am done with school.

 

18 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

It happens and it doesn't make it any easier.
Career coach: looking if I can find one through work. It doesn't seem that they are going to. Got a quote and is so expensive!! might do it anyway...
CV: will update it and send it to selected companies on Saturday (two are in my mind)
I dreamed of a contact I have in one of the companies tonight, I took it as a sign... finger crossed

 

*fingers crossed*

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On 4/26/2018 at 1:19 PM, Diadhuit said:

I can't move but forward. I am in the lucky position to have headhunters looking at my skills.

 

Crossing fingers that in a year's time, you'll look back on this moment and be glad that you weren't offered the position on the team, because it started a chain of events that led you somewhere so much better!

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First week update

Food:
I'll check in with myself to know why am I eating and I'll ask myself if I am hungry - mostly
I'll prepare breakfast and lunch ahead - half of the times
 
Exercise:
I do struggle on finding goals for now as I don't know what to do!
I am training for a walk/run 5k the 13th of May early in the morning, and I have a dance workshop the 5th - running is cancelled as I found I suffer from vertigo and running is too lonely
I'll continue meditative dancing and blues and balfolk as they work very well with both mind and body. - yes, but if I need to stop because I feel dizzy I have to (not always doing it)
I'll run one day/week - cancelled
I'll continue walking to Mordor - yay!  I am thinking of upping my walking, but I don't know
I'll hula-hoop if I have time and the weather keeps good - didn't have time
 
Self care:
I'll catch my negative thinking - working on
I'll try to meditate each evening - mostly
I'll try to monotask at work - nope
I'll continue with the 36 questions - nope
I'll say no if I need to - yay! I was asked to help organise an event that has some political relevance, but since this is not my country I stayed away from it
I'll get a pedicure
I'll observe where I am more joyful - I have seen when I start crying, does it count?
I'll get career advice from a coach - I contacted a coach, it's so expensive! Work hasn't come back about career coach. Will have to make decisions


Plan:
- See apartment on Saturday - yes and it's nice! I want to chat with a friend and ask some more questions, then I'll put an offer
- update CV and send it - working on it as soon as I send this

 

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I am sorry about the vertigo issue with running. Is it just affecting this? do they know whats causing it?

 

I think seeing what makes you start crying does count since its helping you get an idea about why you feel what you do. If you understand the sad, it may help with the joyful as well.

I am going to say your doing pretty good with everything been handed to you.

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I am sorry about the vertigo issue with running. Is it just affecting this? do they know whats causing it?

 

I think seeing what makes you start crying does count since its helping you get an idea about why you feel what you do. If you understand the sad, it may help with the joyful as well.

 

I am going to say your doing pretty good with everything been handed to you.

 

Vertigo seems to be caused by mucus in my inner ear that doesn't drain. It happens mostly when dancing or sitting at work. I am stopping running only because it's not a group activity and don't want to end up fainting in the middle of the park alone. But I #might# making up an excuse for running. Dunno, too much in my brain now!

 

I am sad when I aknowledge my loneliness. And I am happy when I'm talking to my friends. Yet, most have left, most are leaving and some are staying but are in a relationship so have less time. I cry when I see people hugging and flirting and kissing, and I am alone. I cry when I dance in the group and for a moment I look outside to see if someone is there waiting for me to finish and I realise no one will be waiting for me. I know many people, yet I have never been lonelier.

 

I am managing well, yes, and I put an offer on an apartment, I am shitting myself!

So expensive and so scary to become a landlady! I handed this over to God, if it's meant to be I'll get it. Probably I will be outbid, so trying not to keep hopes high.

 

Career coaching could happen through work, they will let me know in two weeks. I am very tempted to book the private one, but I should give this a chance.

I haven't sent the CV yet, but linkedin is updated.

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So maybe the vertigo is a temporary thing. I think waiting to run for now is a good idea.

*hugs* I kinda know what this is like. There use to be a time where all of our chosen family lived close. They were always here. then they "migrated" to different areas, and its not the same. It was a long transition and one I still have days where I miss being able to see people daily. I was fortunate, I had Hubby and that helped. I wish I had a way to help you.


OMG, good luck on the aparment. I think you will do great if you get it, and good luck with the coach. My fingers are crossed there.

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Second week mid-week update
Food:
I'll check in with myself to know why am I eating and I'll ask myself if I am hungry - not much
I'll prepare breakfast and lunch ahead - nope, mostly because kitchen in closed when I arrive home as my flatmate sleeps there
 
Exercise:
I do struggle on finding goals for now as I don't know what to do!
I am training for a walk/run 5k the 13th of May early in the morning, and I have a dance workshop the 5th - running is cancelled as I found I suffer from vertigo and running is too lonely - might be back soon
I'll continue meditative dancing and blues and balfolk as they work very well with both mind and body. - yes, and went to a Ceili yesterday
I'll run one day/week - cancelled
I'll continue walking to Mordor - yay!  I am thinking of upping my walking, but I don't know
I'll hula-hoop if I have time and the weather keeps good - didn't have time
 
Self care:
I'll catch my negative thinking - nope
I'll try to meditate each evening - yup, and yesterday it worked well
I'll try to monotask at work - nope
I'll continue with the 36 questions - nope
I'll say no if I need to - n/a
I'll get a pedicure
I'll observe where I am more joyful - I didn't like Ceili, but I was full of joy afterwards
I'll get career advice from a coach - Work is setting up a coach, and they asked help to draft the program as I expressed interest. Being a pushover with my manager has its advantages

Plan:
- See apartment on Saturday - I did put an offer! I am scared!
- update CV and send it - nope


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I am sorry about the vertigo issue with running. Is it just affecting this? do they know whats causing it?
 
I think seeing what makes you start crying does count since its helping you get an idea about why you feel what you do. If you understand the sad, it may help with the joyful as well.

I am going to say your doing pretty good with everything been handed to you.


It seems that I have mucus in my ear. I sometimes get it when in bed or sitting. I am taking pills, so it's getting better now.

Even if I know why but can't fix it, how does that help? And I am asking this as a 'fixer' personality. I realise that I am friend with many people, but very few are friend with me.

I am juggling so many balls again. It's going well, but wish me luck!
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1 hour ago, Diadhuit said:

Even if I know why but can't fix it, how does that help? And I am asking this as a 'fixer' personality. I realise that I am friend with many people, but very few are friend with me.

I don't know about this. When I hear people say "I think we're friends, but I don't think they think we're friends," I always encourage them to remember that a friendship is a relationship just like a romance, and both parties have to be interested and engaged for the relationship to exist. If you're in this situation with a lot of people and not just one or two, it sounds likely that you're putting a lot of energy into people who aren't giving you much back. Sometimes it sounds callous to talk about friendships that way, because part of the point is that you support each other as needed, and the give and take isn't always equal. But in my opinion, even if it's not always equal, it should at least usually be fulfilling. Some people get a lot out of giving. Others need a lot of support. As long is it works for both parties, I think it's ok, but when one person needs support and isn't able to get it because all their friends expect them to give all the time, that's a problem. 

 

I know a lot of your self-identified loneliness is romantic-related, and made more difficult by your asexuality, but if you're feeling unfulfilled in all your relationships (or most of them) maybe it's worth examining what's going on there. Sometimes it is totally out of your control, and you'll find there's nothing you could have done: your best friends moved away, got married, had kids, and are just at a different place in their lives now than they were when they were able to support you more in the past. That's fine and it happens, but it may mean you need a new friend to take over that role. And sometimes, you might find it's you: for whatever reason you're expecting something from them they can't provide. In that case, you may need to adjust your expectations, and again, maybe find someone else to help out and fill that void for you. 

 

I recently had a conversation with my sister about her struggle to find good friends who don't turn out to be crazy jerks after a couple of months. After talking it through, we discovered she had a "type" when it came to friends: she liked people who were really outgoing and lively, because they were really fun to hang out with and always up to have a good time. (Also they tend to come to her, which makes it easier for her to befriend them when she would otherwise ignore everyone.) But it turns out these people who are so lively are also very fond of drama: that makes them exciting and fun at first, but when your relationship starts to settle, they get antsy and do something to disrupt it. This might not be intentional or even conscious on their part, but it happens over and over, and my sister ends up getting burned a lot. I, on the other hand, tend to have the opposite problem: my "type" for friends is super shy, socially awkward nerds who open up once you prove you're not going to humiliate them. This makes for really loyal, stable friends, but also for really clingy ones, and I often find myself overwhelmed with the amount of one-on-one interaction these friends require of me and the lack of opportunities to "go out" (most of my friends consider actually eating in the restaurant instead of getting take out to be "going out") and have fun experiencing new, adventurous things. 

 

You say you're a "fixer," so use that to your advantage! If something feels off and you can't see a way to fix it, give it a closer look. Find out where it's broken, and that will help you determine the right course forward. Good luck, Diadhuit! 

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5 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

It seems that I have mucus in my ear. I sometimes get it when in bed or sitting. I am taking pills, so it's getting better now.

Even if I know why but can't fix it, how does that help? And I am asking this as a 'fixer' personality. I realise that I am friend with many people, but very few are friend with me.

I am juggling so many balls again. It's going well, but wish me luck!

 

Hey, sorry you're feeling so down, maintaining friendships can be so difficult sometimes :(

 

For vertigo alone you could try out a treadmill at a gym. I did this for a bit when I first started trying to get into exercise and wasn't sure how my asthma would react; that way I stayed relatively close to home and there were other people around. It did cost a bit to join the gym, but I figured it was worth it to not have an asthma attack alone out in the bush somewhere. But I also learned I hate gyms so I quit as soon as I felt comfortable!

 

The companionship aspect can be harder to tackle. You could always try asking local friends if any would like to join you for a walk sometime. I've found that's a nice way to have some one-on-one quality time with a friend while also getting in a little exercise (no loud music or other conversations or distractions so you can have a deep and meaningful chat or just shoot the breeze, both of which can really strengthen a relationship).

 

Anyway, those are just a couple of things that came to mind from my experiences, mostly to say I can relate and you're not alone. Hope things improve for you soon, oh and best of luck with your apartment, too!

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I don't know about this. When I hear people say "I think we're friends, but I don't think they think we're friends," I always encourage them to remember that a friendship is a relationship just like a romance, and both parties have to be interested and engaged for the relationship to exist.

Thanks, not sure this helps my case as not really good in romantic relationships either.

If you're in this situation with a lot of people and not just one or two, it sounds likely that you're putting a lot of energy into people who aren't giving you much back. Sometimes it sounds callous to talk about friendships that way, because part of the point is that you support each other as needed, and the give and take isn't always equal. But in my opinion, even if it's not always equal, it should at least usually be fulfilling. Some people get a lot out of giving. Others need a lot of support. As long is it works for both parties, I think it's ok, but when one person needs support and isn't able to get it because all their friends expect them to give all the time, that's a problem. 

I think most of the times it is fulfilling. But then I now am in a moment of big changes in my life (maybe work, maybe house, I'm about to have some friends leaving) and probably I'm in need of more support than people can give me right now.
How can I ask someone whose whore contract hasn't been renewed and is about to leave the country to go back to his parents, leaving his boyfriend behind to be caring for me mourning his departure? This is asking the impossible!

I am taking my time apart from few people that won't do me any good, as they are clingy or drama queens (yup, I have both), in the hope they won't come back.

Yesterday I went out with a friend (one who left the country weeks ago came back for few days) and I had a huge discovery: what for me is a daily event, was hugely strange for him. We were in a cafe, and a stranger asked me if I was someone (I couldn't hear whom, maybe it was me). Since my friend interrupted him, he got very confused, tried to sip his tea, spit it back to the cup and awkwardly packed and run away. I felt bad for the missed communication, but he felt it was a very strange interaction. I thought this happens to me on a daily basis, found it quite normal and wouldn't have blinked if he didn't intervene. So maybe I attract weirdos! More than once I gave life advice to people I've just met in the park and I find that fulfilling. But same thing with repeated interaction doesn't always work the same.

I have two friends who has been my support for a long distance, but they both struggles with depression and they happen to be down simultaneously, and my heart breakes knowing I can't support much through text.


I know a lot of your self-identified loneliness is romantic-related, and made more difficult by your asexuality

I wouldn't say a lot :b being asexual makes me also less prone to 'need' a romantic partner. What I really feel the need for is a person for whom I'm the most important and who is the most important to me. Someone I can open up to and that searches me. This can work in a romantic relation, but not only. The deep bond of two old sisters, two best friends is what I am really looking for. If kisses and hugs are included in the package even better :)
Sometimes it is totally out of your control, and you'll find there's nothing you could have done: your best friends moved away, got married, had kids, and are just at a different place in their lives now than they were when they were able to support you more in the past. That's fine and it happens, but it may mean you need a new friend to take over that role.

I think the issue is being a foreigner: locals are very friendly but have their families and friends of origin too, and foreigners leave after few years. I think I am worn out by saying goodbye to all the people.

You say you're a "fixer," so use that to your advantage! If something feels off and you can't see a way to fix it, give it a closer look. Find out where it's broken, and that will help you determine the right course forward. Good luck, Diadhuit! 

Thanks for all the encouragement and help is very much appreciated. I am pretty sure I know myself and the root cause of the issue. But to fix it, I don't think there is a lot I can do really.
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