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Butternut

Butternut strengthens her roots

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13 hours ago, Butternut said:

I’m loving just focusing on these things. It feels different and I’m full of energy doing it

 

This...


This is the important part. In the world of crazy with kids, remembering to see the little things and enjoy them can be very energizing. I am glad  you had a great time for Little Squash's birthday. It sounds like you had a great time.

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Thank you guys!

 

its been going good! 

 

Just working a lot. 

 

Tuesday Mr. Butternut took

the kids to ju jitsu so I could tend the garden.

 

It was great.

 

went to the gym Wednesday.

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https://www.marksdailyapple.com/the-uses-and-abuses-of-guilt/

 

i post this because i just spent the last 2 hours in a whirl wind of shame. 

 

Even though I spent time with my family, cleaned my yard, weeded my garden, shame was showering over me.

 

As my loving husband stayed positive and talked to me as he drifted off to sleep I couldn’t help but feel drowned in emotions.

 

Why? I have all I need.

 

I found myself reading that Article by Mark Sisson and it made me stop and recognize and name my guilt. 

 

Over eating is a waste of time and emotional clearance. But I do it anyway. But instead of looking at this guilt as a negative thing I’m now looking at it as a reminder. 

 

Why dont i like over eating? It takes time away from my family. As I lay on the couch larthigic, napping while “watching” a movie with the kids. I then find my emotions hard to control with the food I choose to over eat (damn Chili Cheese Fritos).

 

I wish I could control my emotions, but I know myself, I have and always be an emotional person. Not only am I an emotional person, I feel my emotions easily, if that makes sense?

 

For instance I hate watching Breaking Bad because the emotions it brings out of me.

 

Over eating wheat and sugar, I feel the emotions it brings out of me. That’s why I restrict it.

 

But days like today where I use the day for an excuse to indulge, I over do it.

 

My guilt/shame is over bearing and I have to name it. I named the over eating but there was something else.

 

i took today and yesterday off of work. 

 

I told one of my managers we could get the schedule out by Monday and he texted me saying he got it done and I ignored it. 

 

I set set my alarm for 5am, but i feel shame I’m not doing what I said.

 

But I found for myself I needed to take this time for myself and family.

 

I worked 45 hours, working from home at night , and I know I’m going to go back to it tomorrow and this week.

 

So naming the shame/guilt it blooms from wanting to be a perfect manager. Wanting to do everything right for my team. And I have to step back it let it go. 

 

I should have known better not to say “let’s get it out by Monday!” I want to work on things but Friday coming home I realized my focused needed to be family.

 

Why do I feel that way????!!!

 

I feel shame because I didn’t spend 30-60 minutes with my nose in the computer so I could intentionally be here with my family......

 

Is that just weird? Or is it just me?!?

 

Anyway.. The article I posted gave me a understanding that my shame/guilt was being narrated by my workaholic self and breaking my restrictions.

 

I feel like a grasp of fresh air and I can fall asleep mindfully and not stuck in the mud.

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Wow..

 

I think I'm creating my own problem.

 

I've gained a little weight.  

 

I'm not working towards anything.  

 

I'm a roller coaster mess.

 

I want Pizza, I don't want pizza, I eat pizza, I cry over that I ate pizza and I'm going to get fat.

 

I'm working out, playing in the garden, riding bike with my family, walking dogs, and I feel like I'm just counter acting it with the food choices I make.

 

But I'm going through food stress! I know I shouldn't eat this or that, but I do because I want too!  

 

I do but than I'm slowly gaining weight.

 

I really believe I'm gaining weight because I'm working out really hard in the gym and eating french fries the next day with a burger.  

 

My little wins are happening and it's great. I look back and I've been doing everything I want to do.  

 

Mr. Butternut is doing great and his body is looking great, and my body isn't looking great.

 

2 things

 

1. I'm comparing my body to the body I had a couple of years ago (when I was a stay at home mom and rode bike every morning) 

2. I'm jealous that my husband has the body he does.  Sounds terrible but when I search my feelings. That's whats bringing this all about.  

 

WHY?!?! That's terrible... For 2 reasons

 

1. He is in great shape because of inspiring him.  He used to eat like junk and in the last 2 years, I was the one that helped clean his diet, push him to work out, and support his Ju Jitsu.

2. It took him 2 years to get to where his at!  Why can't I give myself the same grace?

 

Why? Because I'm mean to myself.  BEcasue I have an ideal of what I should look like and how I want to look.  and I'm not accepting my body or mind....

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Okay, I read your other post and didn't get a chance to respond. I only have a couple of minutes, but Butternut, I totally understand.

 

*hugs* First off, you are doing better than you think. 

Yes working out hard at the gym can make us think we are starving, when we really aren't. And you have to understand that all of this will take time. I know its easy to hear from someone else, when really, you want results now. I get it. The number of times I have said "I Just want to loose this weight now" and sadly, it hasn't happened. It gets discouraging and upsetting, and then you have to pull it together and keep TRYING. The weight didn't come on over night, it won't go away the same way (well, without massive surgery, which I am not doing)

 

I think the reason you can't give yourself the same patience and grace as Mr. Butternut is similar to something I do. Everyone around you can have all the patience and love in the world, for you love them and support them no matter what. For me, I have no patience because I need to do it now, I need to be better, I don't have time for the slow method because I support those around me, and leave little time/energy/patience for myself. I know I do it and sometimes I forget that and then get mad at myself. Heck, I am still mad at myself, but somedays, I remember and say "Okay, so we have to do this, and I am mad at myself, can I use that as motivation?" And sometimes no, but sometimes, yes and that can help.

You are at the gym, your doing so much. Keep trying and know it will happen. It just may not happen this exact second.

I would write more, but time to take Youngest Agent to school.

*hugs* Your are a wonderful person, Butternut. And you will get there.

 

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On 5/17/2018 at 8:25 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Okay, I read your other post and didn't get a chance to respond. I only have a couple of minutes, but Butternut, I totally understand.

 

*hugs* First off, you are doing better than you think. 

Yes working out hard at the gym can make us think we are starving, when we really aren't. And you have to understand that all of this will take time. I know its easy to hear from someone else, when really, you want results now. I get it. The number of times I have said "I Just want to loose this weight now" and sadly, it hasn't happened. It gets discouraging and upsetting, and then you have to pull it together and keep TRYING. The weight didn't come on over night, it won't go away the same way (well, without massive surgery, which I am not doing)

 

I think the reason you can't give yourself the same patience and grace as Mr. Butternut is similar to something I do. Everyone around you can have all the patience and love in the world, for you love them and support them no matter what. For me, I have no patience because I need to do it now, I need to be better, I don't have time for the slow method because I support those around me, and leave little time/energy/patience for myself. I know I do it and sometimes I forget that and then get mad at myself. Heck, I am still mad at myself, but somedays, I remember and say "Okay, so we have to do this, and I am mad at myself, can I use that as motivation?" And sometimes no, but sometimes, yes and that can help.

You are at the gym, your doing so much. Keep trying and know it will happen. It just may not happen this exact second.

I would write more, but time to take Youngest Agent to school.

*hugs* Your are a wonderful person, Butternut. And you will get there.

 

 

Aww, thank you Bean.

 

i think your right. I have this ideal imagine of this person I’m suppose to be and it’s just not realistic.

 

I was listening to Psychology of Eating podcast and he was talking to a girl and he’s advice he gave her was “you have to accept what you have is what you have, it’s yours, accept it now”

 

Marc David said it better but it made me realize I don’t accept the love handles I have.

 

But everytime I’ve lost weight, I always gain back the weight to where I’m at now. I really think it’s just my bodies ideal weight. Yes my diet could be a little better.

 

So yesterday I just accepted what I have. Today I did the same. But I had lunch with some friends and I went for the nasty fries. 

 

Point is, I’m going to try to accept me. Accept my body weight first before moving forward. 

 

Also whats bothering me is the amount of junk I’m eating. Mr. Butternut said to me

lastt night “your only looking at the negative and not all the good you did this week”

 

which is true, but I feel my negatives are happening more frequently. 

 

Now Im just rambling.

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On 5/18/2018 at 8:27 PM, Butternut said:

 

Aww, thank you Bean.

 

i think your right. I have this ideal imagine of this person I’m suppose to be and it’s just not realistic.

 

I was listening to Psychology of Eating podcast and he was talking to a girl and he’s advice he gave her was “you have to accept what you have is what you have, it’s yours, accept it now”

 

Marc David said it better but it made me realize I don’t accept the love handles I have.

 

But everytime I’ve lost weight, I always gain back the weight to where I’m at now. I really think it’s just my bodies ideal weight. Yes my diet could be a little better.

 

So yesterday I just accepted what I have. Today I did the same. But I had lunch with some friends and I went for the nasty fries. 

 

Point is, I’m going to try to accept me. Accept my body weight first before moving forward. 

 

Also whats bothering me is the amount of junk I’m eating. Mr. Butternut said to me

lastt night “your only looking at the negative and not all the good you did this week”

 

which is true, but I feel my negatives are happening more frequently. 

 

Now Im just rambling.


I totally understand. Its easier to be hard on ourselves and not see the good we are doing.

 

I will be honest with you. I accept I am fat. I accept that I need to lose weight, however, when I picture myself in my head, This is not the body I see and its hard. The other part is accepting that if I am going to be fat, then let me be the strong fat lady who can do what some of those not so fat people can't do. Things like 5Ks and lifting heavy things. I am going to do what I can to make myself healthy. The weight may not move, but I will feel better because I know that while I still may be large, I can still... whatever.

Now, to be fair, this is something I forgot until recently. I got stuck staring at a scale that didn't move and feeling like it wouldn't work. But when I can remember it, it helps. I hope it helps to you. remember, part is losing the weight, part is keeping it off and part is making the changes slowly so they STICK for the previous 2.

You can do this. I know you can

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