Jump to content

elizevdmerwe - More Bush Adventures


MrsVan

Recommended Posts

19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are not stupid, nor are you making a mountain out of a molehill. Your emotions are valid, and you are not wrong for having them. It's not your fault you still have healing to do, and the fact that it's a process and not done yet is no reflection on you or your character. That's just how life works. You are an amazing person, woman, wife, mother, Ranger, Rebel, and yes, daughter. The fact that your mother didn't mother you well does not make you a bad daughter. You tried your best for longer than decency required before realizing you aren't the problem, she is.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

The only advice I'd give you about your interactions with your mother is what I will call "technical" advice. By that I mean what you did was right, and the technique you used can be refined so that what you do next time is more effective. Having said that, stop explaining things to her. Part of grey rocking is being brief. You could have messaged her back saying, 
"No, visits will be once a month" and left it at that. Remember, short, one or two word answers; the Whats.App version of "Mmm" in real life conversations. It's the exlpanations and extra words that are giving her a chance to keep the conversation going. Give her nothing to work with. Again, you are doing well, this is merely some coaching to help you do even better. I love you my sister and I'm proud of you.

 

I felt that I might have misled her about my feelings, those first times I collected her at the home. I tried to be positive, have a conversation with her in the car driving to town, and in the end I felt so sorry for her when I dropped her off at the home, that I hugged her. That was why I thought I should explain, but in hind sight I should have kept my distance from the start, not let my boundaries down :(. Ja, I realised now I'm still in the healing process, not done. I promise I will work on my technique of grey rock-ing messages. *hugs* Thanks 'boetie' Tank.

Today was absolutely quiet! No messages (except from friends), and no phone calls. By 10h00-11h00 I started to relax. Rocco gave me a shoulder massage because my shoulders were sore from tension.

14 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

So glad you get to go on the outride. 

Hugs -I'm sorry about all the pain from your mom.Tank says it so well, I echo all he says You are a good mom, wife , friend, and daughter. 

Thanks EG. *hugs* Work in progress. I lost track, lost myself a bit is what it felt like, but I think I'm on the spoor again. :) Every little bit helps us grow, doesn't it.

I'm really looking forward to riding again, even if we will most probably just walk the horses because the boys haven't been on horse back in such a long time.

I think I saw a comment about your husband and reminding him about compliments? At a stage Brandt said he is oblivious about such things, like when I've had a hair cut, and I must remind him. So I'll put things like "Elize, the room looks nice and bright" on the list and remind him. I know it isn't like him to say such things, but it is unfortunately like me to want to hear that every now and again. Love languages.

1 hour ago, annyshay said:

Not stupid. Not nonsense. Lots of healing that you are right in the middle of doing. *hugs*

Those words sound familiar. Oh yeah, I said them to you :) Thanks for reminding me and having my back *hugs*. Have one last scoop of ice cream for me.

27 minutes ago, mediaguy99 said:

Horseback riding is so great!  Glad you booked a horse for yourself as well :) . Nice work on the paint job, and sorry your Mum is being such a PITA.

 

Looking forward to the next challenge!

Thanks MG on the paint job and the support :)

We haven't ridden in more than a year! That is shocking! At a stage Adam and I went regularly - even Rocco had riding lessons with Pippa for neigh on two years? But Rocco doesn't really like it that much, he just likes being around the horses. Adam had about 4 or 5 years and I had three years(?) before I got married and then the last year or two with Adam. But both Adam and I felt we'd rather just go on outrides with the horses, and not do jumping lessons any more. Pippa has now started doing more outrides during school holidays, but I'll ask her whether we can work something out. Almost all the riding places around here insist on lessons and an outride as a "treat" maybe once a month or every other month. Pippa taught the boys and she taught me a little bit of dressage, jumping, and western riding, so she knows what we are (were) capable of. The only other options of outrides are the holiday places, and they are quite expensive.

 

----------------------------------------

It's been quiet! Rocco made some pocket money massaging my shoulders. He really has the right touch *sigh*. Brandt and I spoke about finances, as this coming month's end will be the first with the new bank changes, and one of his clients haven't changed information yet, so they will still pay into the old account. Which is still open. We first want to see that everything works out with debit orders and such before we finally close it. For this month (and in future) I'll have to add every day's spending to a spreadsheet to check balances, make sure that I'm staying within my budget (food, house, workers, school), and Brandt within his budget, and all those 'fun' financial things! :( Oh the horror!

 

Then another change is the butchery that I've been buying my meat from for the last couple of years (it is out of town and the lady delivered here at home), has again changed owners, again. She asked whether she could ask the new owner to contact us in connection with this next month's order, but I politely refused and said we'll rather look around at butcheries closer to us. I used to buy the meat for the whole month, but now we've decided that I'll buy week for week. I'm actually looking forward to it. I sat with my one recipe book which has menu's set up for each month of the year, and quickly put together a meal plan for this week according to what I still have in the freezer. Brandt wants me to have a look at one of the small butcheries that are basically in the next town (it is such a small area, I don't know if you can call it a town), about 30min. drive from home. It is supported/partly owned by one of their farmer clients, and B buys his biltong and dry wors from them. One of his colleagues buys his meat there now, and says it is great quality and lower prices than some butcheries in town. I can't help it, I'm a meat kind'a girl. :D I like my veggies, but a nice chop or piece of steak. Mmm!

 

Adam's certificate for last year's Junior Field Guide course has finally arrived at the centre, and we are fetching it on Friday. I've also made tentative bookings to walk with the boys in that nature reserve (uMngeni Valley) so that we can get our first trail in. I have my workouts set for next challenge, and I just can't get away from a full week's training plate, if I include walking/training with the boys two days a week. We'll see how it goes. I need to get them excited about hiking/trail walking (I really don't know what you guys call it if you just go out walking on a trail with a day pack, and maybe sleep over one or two nights)... Rucking!? Anyway... get them excited about doing the Pillar Cave hike, but more on that next time...

  • Like 3

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post
1 hour ago, elizevdmerwe said:

n if we will most probably just walk the horses because the boys haven't been on horse back in such a long time.

I think I saw a comment about your husband and reminding him about compliments? At a stage Brandt said he is oblivious about such things, like when I've had a hair cut, and I must remind him. So I'll put things like "Elize, the room looks nice and bright" on the list and remind him. I know it isn't like him to say such things, but it is unfortunately like me to want to hear that every now and again. Love languages.

Yeah, I thought maybe I shouldn't post that. I didn't want it to sound like I was criticizing him. But he and Brandt sound very similar. My husband is super kind and loving, but encouraging words don't come naturally to him.  Like your husband, he  said he is oblivious and is fine with my reminding him that I like to hear those words. I guess I also thought my post came off as my sounding snippy with him, when it isn't like that. It's more just that we've had discussions where I say I need encouragement, and once in a while I have to remind him

  • Like 2

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

Elastigirl:Luck Favors The Prepared - Current Challenge: August 1 to September 4 - Nerd Fitness Rebellion

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

Link to post

 

1 hour ago, elizevdmerwe said:

like my veggies, but a nice chop or piece of steak. Mmm!

Couldn't agree more.:)  I love my meat

  • Haha 1

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

Elastigirl:Luck Favors The Prepared - Current Challenge: August 1 to September 4 - Nerd Fitness Rebellion

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

Link to post
9 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

Yeah, I thought maybe I shouldn't post that. I didn't want it to sound like I was criticizing him. But he and Brandt sound very similar. My husband is super kind and loving, but encouraging words don't come naturally to him.  Like your husband, he  said he is oblivious and is fine with my reminding him that I like to hear those words. I guess I also thought my post came off as my sounding snippy with him, when it isn't like that. It's more just that we've had discussions where I say I need encouragement, and once in a while I have to remind him

No, I didn't get the idea of snippy or criticizing your hubby at all. I so understand, and yes, Brandt is kind and loving, and has his own things which is his way of saying "I love you", but sometimes I just need to hear the words "well done!" or something in that line from him. A couple weeks ago I got an email out of the blue, with just a link. It was to some site where the guy had written a poem about his Boerbul watch dog. B has never done that before. I loved the poem. Late this afternoon he sent me a link to a site selling bed holsters. We've been talking about it, and he found a beautiful leather and canvas one which he thought I'd like. And he never starts his day without giving me a kiss in the kitchen (because I'm already up and busy when he gets up). So he has his ways. Thank you for writing that. I needed to hear it, and be reminded that I can remind B that I need some encouragement at times too. *hugs* :love_heart:

  • Like 2

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post
5 minutes ago, elizevdmerwe said:

No, I didn't get the idea of snippy or criticizing your hubby at all. I so understand, and yes, Brandt is kind and loving, and has his own things which is his way of saying "I love you", but sometimes I just need to hear the words "well done!" or something in that line from him. A couple weeks ago I got an email out of the blue, with just a link. It was to some site where the guy had written a poem about his Boerbul watch dog. B has never done that before. I loved the poem. Late this afternoon he sent me a link to a site selling bed holsters. We've been talking about it, and he found a beautiful leather and canvas one which he thought I'd like. And he never starts his day without giving me a kiss in the kitchen (because I'm already up and busy when he gets up). So he has his ways. Thank you for writing that. I needed to hear it, and be reminded that I can remind B that I need some encouragement at times too. *hugs* :love_heart:

:) Our husbands sound a lot alike

  • Like 1

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

Elastigirl:Luck Favors The Prepared - Current Challenge: August 1 to September 4 - Nerd Fitness Rebellion

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

Link to post

*sigh*, the messages started again Tuesday. All innocent "hope you have a good day", "hope you have a good evening", "sleep well", but my stress is through the roof. I'm biting on my molars like crazy, telling myself to stop when I realise my jaws are aching.

I have a huge fever blister on my lip and had blood sugar dips yesterday, finally falling asleep where I sat around 15h00. I'm going to cut out most of the starches again, try and fill up with more protein. It works best for me.

Then last night after 22h00 Brandt woke me up. He did a walk around our garden and found the sprayer still on from the afternoon! Luckily only a trickle, but it's because I'd run the tank nearly empty! :(:(:( Well the laundry had used a lot of water as well, but... I got up, rolled the hosepipe up and got back in bed. He hasn't said anything extra, but he doesn't have to. I've been beating myself up about the waste: water and money.

No training with the kids yesterday afternoon, I was just too tired. Had we done it, I would have realised the water was still on. Anyway... No crying over spilled milk, or is it water under the bridge? The boys did a lot of jumping on the trampoline, running around acting out their favourite scenes from movies and games, and I at least got laundry done.

I did manage to do core training this morning at 5am. Prayers, yes and trying to stop being harsh on myself. I don't know what is worse, my stepfather shouting at me repeatedly after I'd done something stupid or forgot to do something years ago, or Brandt being so quiet.

 

EDIT: I forgot to mention, I received an email last night asking me to join in an online meeting with the HS group again who visited the Educational dept. about three years ago. I was one of the people who were part of the discussions with them to set up legal and good HS laws pertaining to how and what we learn (curricula), times, just in general telling the officials how HS works. They ignored everything we've said and tried to implement constitution-breaking policies and law. They tried to push it through without parents 'noticing', but ... well the whole HS community brought it to light last year and earlier this year, and there was a huge commotion under 'normal' parents as well, as it would have taken away a lot of their rights as parents, to decide what happened at school. Anyway, it seems the fight is back on. We have to go through another policy they've drawn up, and then report back. All this starts again next week.

  • Like 1
  • Sad 2

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post

Regarding the sprayer, sometimes the hardest person in the world to forgive is ourself.

  • Like 2

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

Link to post

I'm sorry about the sprayer Elize. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is horrible. As you say though, water under the bridge.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest about your mother. Could you consider changing your phone number?

 

In the US it is possible to buy a very inexpensive cell phone that only has prepaid minutes (no monthly fee). One possibility is that you change your main phone number (don't know if that is expensive for your or not) and give it to the sisters in case of emergency. Have a second inexpensive phone that you use only to call your mother (and don't ever answer any calls to that phone).

 

Or change your phone number, give it to the sisters for emergency, and use skype as needed to call your mother. You can call to a telephone using skype, but it does cost a (very small) amount of money that you have to load onto an account.

  • Like 1

Xena, Level 14+ Valkyrie Ranger

January 2017  December 2016

Oct/Nov 2016

 

Link to post
16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Regarding the sprayer, sometimes the hardest person in the world to forgive is ourself.

That was a bit of an eye opener again. I was harder on myself about the mistake than Brandt was, and I kept expecting him to react more. But he didn't.

3 hours ago, Xena said:

I'm sorry about the sprayer Elize. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is horrible. As you say though, water under the bridge.

Yes, it is. And me not bringing in money, if I waste or do something like this, I feel so guilty.

3 hours ago, Xena said:

I'm not sure what to suggest about your mother. Could you consider changing your phone number?

Not expensive to change phone numbers, but a huge schlep if I have to change my main number, because then I have to change it everywhere: the bank, policies, HS groups... everywhere. We aren't on a monthly contract anyway, we only use prepaid airtime and data, and then wifi-data from our internet connection which is on contract. We actually have older working cellphones, but I'm not sure whether their batteries charge anymore, and whether they use w.app. You do get very inexpensive cellphones to buy, but they have no Whatsapp capabilities, then she would have to use normal airtime to send messages... which should make her think twice about sending messages, as we only buy her a set amount of data and airtime a month to use. And if airtime or data are finished for the month, it's finished.

 

Talking to her on the phone triggers my anxiety, and I think because her trying to call me so often in a short space of time, it carried over to the messages as well. Before the messages just bothered me, I didn't have a reaction (except annoyance) like the phone call.

If I understand your reasoning correctly, I can use the 2nd cellphone for my mom to contact (message) me on exclusively. Then I can block her on W.app on my main cellphone, so her messages won't come through there, and I'll just ignore any phone calls coming through there anyway. Then basically check the 2nd cellphone maybe once a day or every other day for messages from her? That way it won't be a constant thing when I check my cellphone?

 

I'll have to think about this. Thanks, that is definitely another option to consider!

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm slowly but surely starting to exercise again. Did core exercises Wednesday morning, and walked with the boys in the neighbourhood Wednesday afternoon. We are taking today (Thursday) off, but will hopefully be walking tomorrow afternoon again at the uMngeni Valley Nature Reserve, where Adam is receiving his first Jnr. Field Guide Certificate for last year's course. LOL, nothing fancy, just something to say he finished that section, but the lady wants to take photos when she hands out the certificates.

 

I'm also getting back into routines with dry fire training (Tuesday morning) and EDC-ing. W.r.t. food I'm not sure how to tackle accountability, because we're basically following Intuitive eating, which seems to be very similar to Banting phase 2, where you bring in carbs/starches again, but slowly and limit them depending on the reaction. I've come to realise that starch like bread, begets more starch. When I eat it, I want to eat more of it, whether I'm hungry or not. I also definitely have tummy problems from bread, and of course sugar, although I've been able to say "no" with a smile to ice cream and chocolate! I really didn't want any. But when we walk on a Friday something like cupcakes or muffins will happen, because I promised the boys. Nope, not bribing them, just... "walk, sit and have something to eat, and they want a cupcake with icing with their drumsticks and sausage, and then finish the walk", was their idea. I think they remember the last walk we had in a nature reserve which turned out a bit long - 2+hrs!

 

So any ideas on accountability w.r.t. food is welcome before I start the next challenge.

Thanks again for being here.

  • Like 2

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post

I'm going to end this challenge off on a high note: There was an appointment mix up and I could see dr. Claire today. Long story short: she highly recommended that I stop ALL contact with my mom at least till the end of the year. And then I can re-evaluate but she thinks it would be prudent to stop all contact indefinitely. I became not quite anxious, but unsure and waffled, and she said then to talk to the nursing staff, see how they felt. To tell them that I've seen her, and this was her recommendation. I then realised that part of my anxiety was because I was worried what they would think of me as a person if I took such a drastic step. I know, I know... I don't owe my mom anything, I don't have anything to be guilty of, but a part of me is a people pleaser, as much as it bothers me in the wrong situations.

 

She at first said I should decide for myself, and then said I must answer one question for her before I make my decision: How would I feel if my mom dropped dead tomorrow! And my first and overwhelming feeling was relief! And then I felt guilty about feeling relieved. Then she said she suggests that I make a total break, and block her on every medium I have to.

 

She can't understand why I became so anxious (and loose confidence in my own judgement/choices) because of the phone call, even talking about it made me tense up with her, so I have to see her again next week to find out if there is another underlying issue which I might have repressed. She had a lot of praise for my friends who have lead me to build strong boundaries (thank you so much every one, and especially @Tanktimus the Encourager) and build my confidence up. She stressed multiple times that my mom is manipulating me all the way, and that I must realise that she has no hold over me. I have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about anything, and even if my mom was a darling of a person, if I didn't want to be friends or acquaintances with her, then it is my right not to be! Blood relation or not!

 

So when I got home, I immediately phoned the home, while I was high on courage and confidence. The sister I spoke with last time was not in but the sister who was available assured me that she was very much aware of my mom's situation and behaviour at the home. Told her the basics about the anxiety, what dr. Claire said. She then started to ask me questions, wanting to know my side of the tale of the last couple of weeks starting at the cellphone incident. I told her, everything up to and including me asking her this week to stop phoning me and to cut messages to only the important stuff. Again, long story short: she said that my mom was playing a very fine tuned manipulating game. My mom had realised that even innocent messages was upsetting me, and she was building up, spoiling for a fight, because that "got my mom off". And I'm it. She has to have the fight with me. No one else would do. She is mixed up and sees it as love and attention from me. Also, then she can 'claim' attention for 'poor her with the daughter who is treating her like this after the loving messages she's been sending me'. The other thing was that my mom wanted to stay under my attention because she's been moaning at them that her phone airtime and data were depleted (but enough was obviously left to send me messages!), and I wasn't recharging her phone. She has to wait till next week after all our deductions have gone off. So she wanted to keep herself under my attention so that I will put the airtime and data on earlier than I said I would, and thereby win a small battle of wills.

 

I am still flabbergasted at what the sister told me. I asked her twice whether she was sure, and she said yes. She and the other sister have discussed it, but they weren't sure about my role in everything. They realised that my mom was building up to something, as she was "prowling the halls, irritated and aggravated" (her words). She agreed wholeheartedly with Dr. Claire that I should cut total contact at least till the end of the year. That way my mom has to find her "action" somewhere else, because I seem to be her trigger, as much as she was the trigger for my anxiety. "You're rubbing badly off against each other". The sister also assured me that she would speak to my mom personally, in a nice way, to tell her that I need the break, and that there will not be any contact. Should a health emergency arise the manageress will phone me personally to talk to me. And it will only be for a health emergency, nothing else! She also said that she was sorry I got worked up, and had gone through this, but she really hopes that things will now become easier for me to handle and move on.

 

I then spoke to the financial lady and they said there was no problem with an authorisation letter from me, for them to deduct her "spending money" as well as the monthly fees from our account and pay that over to her, as they do that for other people there as well. Then I won't have to take her money to her personally. I sent the email to authorise that immediately after the call.

 

I'm still a bit shocked. A part of me was sure they were going to tell me I must try to keep contact at least once a month, or that I'll hear censure in their voices that I'm a bad person/daughter for making this choice. No messages either because I think my mom's airtime and data is totally finished now, until I recharge it next week. And it will only be next week. Not before. So... wow... my head is still spinning...

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post

I can totally understand what you mean about being a people pleaser, and worrying about what others think. I struggle with that too. I'm so proud of you for calling the home and talking to them! And it sounds like that was a good idea, because they were able to confirm that your mom was just manipulating you. My two cents on why the phone call bother you is because that is the pattern, she tries to make it sound like it's a normal call, but it's just the start of her manipulating and trying  to get things from you. I like the doctors plan of cutting her off until the end of the year. So every time she call, you have to have all this energy to try and figure out how she is manipulating you, and putting up boundaries.It's not a normal call, it's navigating a mine field!

  • Like 2

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

Elastigirl:Luck Favors The Prepared - Current Challenge: August 1 to September 4 - Nerd Fitness Rebellion

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

Link to post

What a tough struggle!  It must be hard to want to, even be told to, disconnect with your mum.  Detaching with love is hard in any circumstance.  But think of the peace you might find if you can do it!

  • Like 1

Level 21 Wild Elf Ranger/Assassin

Spoiler

I'm not really sure these stats are relevant anymore...

STR: 31 DEX: 26 STA: 30  CON: 24  WIS: 30 CHA: 26

Current Challenge

Link to post
4 hours ago, elizevdmerwe said:

So when I got home, I immediately phoned the home, while I was high on courage and confidence. The sister I spoke with last time was not in but the sister who was available assured me that she was very much aware of my mom's situation and behaviour at the home. Told her the basics about the anxiety, what dr. Claire said. She then started to ask me questions, wanting to know my side of the tale of the last couple of weeks starting at the cellphone incident. I told her, everything up to and including me asking her this week to stop phoning me and to cut messages to only the important stuff. Again, long story short: she said that my mom was playing a very fine tuned manipulating game. My mom had realised that even innocent messages was upsetting me, and she was building up, spoiling for a fight, because that "got my mom off". And I'm it. She has to have the fight with me. No one else would do. She is mixed up and sees it as love and attention from me. Also, then she can 'claim' attention for 'poor her with the daughter who is treating her like this after the loving messages she's been sending me'. The other thing was that my mom wanted to stay under my attention because she's been moaning at them that her phone airtime and data were depleted (but enough was obviously left to send me messages!), and I wasn't recharging her phone. She has to wait till next week after all our deductions have gone off. So she wanted to keep herself under my attention so that I will put the airtime and data on earlier than I said I would, and thereby win a small battle of wills.

That sister is the smartest sister ever in the history of ever. I agree 100% and am so happy for you that you finally get to go no contact.

  • Like 2

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

Link to post
13 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I can totally understand what you mean about being a people pleaser, and worrying about what others think. I struggle with that too. I'm so proud of you for calling the home and talking to them! And it sounds like that was a good idea, because they were able to confirm that your mom was just manipulating you. My two cents on why the phone call bother you is because that is the pattern, she tries to make it sound like it's a normal call, but it's just the start of her manipulating and trying  to get things from you. I like the doctors plan of cutting her off until the end of the year. So every time she call, you have to have all this energy to try and figure out how she is manipulating you, and putting up boundaries.It's not a normal call, it's navigating a mine field!

That's it! That is part of what the sister said over the phone yesterday. Part of me is wondering can I trust this innocent message? What is going on behind the scenes? What is going on in her head? How should I handle this situation so it doesn't blow up in my face?

This morning I asked Brandt, if the sister was saying she is very, very sure this is what my mom was doing and that she was manipulating me with 'innocent' messages, saying I'm a bad daughter because I don't want to do these things for her. Then... his answer: "What? You only realise it now? That is exactly what she has been doing at the home. That is why the sister knew what was going on, she just wanted to know what happened from your side".

11 hours ago, mediaguy99 said:

What a tough struggle!  It must be hard to want to, even be told to, disconnect with your mum.  Detaching with love is hard in any circumstance.  But think of the peace you might find if you can do it!

I'm sad to say that I again realised yesterday, when talking to the dr., that through the years I've lost total trust in my mom and have very little respect left for her. I feel sorry for her as a person who has suffered, but there is no motherly love for her. People say love is a choice, but others' actions can kill that love you had for them. I've already gotten everything in place yesterday with that phone call. Dr. Claire also said the boys must have as little contact as possible with my mom. They've never had much anyway, she wasn't really interested in them until she moved in last year.

9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That sister is the smartest sister ever in the history of ever. I agree 100% and am so happy for you that you finally get to go no contact.

I found myself checking the phone a couple of times for a message from my mom, before finally realising I haven't put the block on; I was expecting a backlash from the steps I'd taken. Nothing good is going to come from reading a message from her how hurt or upset she is about this break in all contact, so I put the block on there and then, but haven't relaxed yet. Guess I have to gradually realise that I am not in the "mine field" (as E.G. said) any more.

I had to tell Francoisana as well, because she lives the block above us, and my mom helps her bake koeksisters once a month. Francoisana wanted us three to come together for tea, to try and "calm the waters". She says she understands, but hope things change. As it happened, we nearly ran into each other yesterday afternoon, when I was on my way home.

4 hours ago, Xena said:

This sounds like a really good set of developments Elize. Very glad that you got to talk to Dr. Clair and took action on her advice.

I'm so relieved. I guess I needed the confidence boost from someone here to get me moving. And I am sad that the sister confirmed all my suspicions. There is a small chance that I might bump into her if she visits my friend, if we are at the local shop at the same time, which happened yesterday when I came back from town/the dr. I saw my friend Francoisana climb out of her car, just as I pulled out of a parking spot. She hadn't seen me. Just as I wanted to hoot and wave at her, I checked her car, and my mom was sitting there, facing away from me. Obviously just helped F bake and she was on her way back to the home. So I just drove past. When I got home I made the phone call to the home.

 

------------------------------------------

Things are still up and down w.r.t. scheduling activities for the new challenge. But I'll hopefully get the new challenge up and running this weekend. I'm starting school with the boys now, then we are going to Wessa/Nat.Res. to fetch Adam's certificate and have a walk in the reserve. I've baked cupcakes, with icing, which we are taking along with chicken drumsticks. I need to be back by 14h00 to start washing and the rest of the normal Friday routine.

Hope you guys have a good Friday!

  • Like 3

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post
13 hours ago, mediaguy99 said:

 

That says a lot.

 

Ja :( ...

 

-------------------------------

We went walking. Rocco had forgotten his sandals at home (after repeated reminders from me), so he said, oh well, he'll just sit on the grass in front of the office and wait for Adam and I to return. He had to walk barefoot. I cut the walk short, so we only did 2.4...km (in about 40min), on the main dirt road into the reserve, which was actually nice to walk barefoot on, then we had our food at the picnic spot (another 20min), and went back to the offices via cut grass section through the veld. Unfortunately it was midday, so we saw no animals. They had some sense and were lying in the shade under trees. It was a glorious day at 30C, but there was a cold breeze which made a windbreaker necessary. Rocco's feet are fine. We were home around 14h00 and had a nice relaxing afternoon.

When we went to town this morning and I told them to get their sandals, he had his on before he even got in the car! Lesson learned.

  • Like 1

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

New here? Please check out our Privacy Policy and Community Guidelines