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Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise]


Seraphina

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On 6/8/2018 at 1:31 PM, Maigahane said:

As an outsider who only knows what you've posted on NF I think it sounds like the right decision. A HARD one, but right. It didn't sound like you guys had a healthy dynamic and that you were staying partially because you'd invested so much time and energy into it. In the Finance world we call that a "sunk cost fallacy", that what you've paid for something (in dollars, time, and/or energy) is what it's worth, but that's definitely not always the case.

 

And this makes it sound like he might retaliate against you. Physically? Please take care of yourself

Yeah, it's definitely the right decision, for a lot of reasons. That imbalance has been there the entire time, and persists, and I don't want it to keep persisting. I really want to be with someone on my level. I'm not worried about things getting physical during the breakup.... I just don't want to deal with his anger and him potentially saying mean and awful things. 

 

1 hour ago, Theria said:

Stay strong. Are you going to tell him in person or the phone,chat, whatever? If you plan to do it in person and you're concerned about your safety, you can do it in a public place, or if your brother is nearby tell him when you plan to do it and ask him to come by shortly after to check on you?

Unfortunately, my brother isn't nearby. I do intend to break things off in person. I told my best friend about it... She lives 30 minutes away, and she knows exactly when I intend to do it. Honestly, I'm not worried about my personal safety; I just don't want things to escalate emotionally. 

 

La esperanza del fénix puede abrirse camino a través de los cielos del desierto y aún desafiar el rencor de la fortuna; revivir de las cenizas y levantarse.

Miguel de Cervantes

SeraphinaLevel 3 scrub.

Seraphina Rises [Battle Log] | Drawing on the Power of Plants [Vegan Recipe Book]

Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise] || Past Challenges: 1 | 2 | 3

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1 hour ago, Seraphina said:

Yeah, it's definitely the right decision, for a lot of reasons. That imbalance has been there the entire time, and persists, and I don't want it to keep persisting. I really want to be with someone on my level. I'm not worried about things getting physical during the breakup.... I just don't want to deal with his anger and him potentially saying mean and awful things. 

 

Honestly there is just so much you can mitigate when it comes to a break up. People are going have their feelings hurt no matter what they do. But the relationship doesn't sound healthy, and it is better to do it now rather than wait even more time and have it be even harder. It's honestly like ripping off a bandaid and then the time you take apart is the thing that will make the redness go away.

 

I'm proud of you for recognising you need to do this and then doing it. It's a tough thing and there are a ot of people who choose to be miserable instead of ending it.

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On 6/10/2018 at 11:37 AM, Echocheanic said:

 

Honestly there is just so much you can mitigate when it comes to a break up. People are going have their feelings hurt no matter what they do. But the relationship doesn't sound healthy, and it is better to do it now rather than wait even more time and have it be even harder. It's honestly like ripping off a bandaid and then the time you take apart is the thing that will make the redness go away.

 

I'm proud of you for recognising you need to do this and then doing it. It's a tough thing and there are a ot of people who choose to be miserable instead of ending it.

Thank you! I was definitely choosing misery for a solid month before I came to this decision.

 

I know it will hurt him, but I think in the long run we'll both be better off. I hope he agrees that we're better as friends, but we so rarely see eye to eye on things it might not work out. And I'd be okay with that too, but I think it would make it substantially harder for me. I'm prepared for the possibility...

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La esperanza del fénix puede abrirse camino a través de los cielos del desierto y aún desafiar el rencor de la fortuna; revivir de las cenizas y levantarse.

Miguel de Cervantes

SeraphinaLevel 3 scrub.

Seraphina Rises [Battle Log] | Drawing on the Power of Plants [Vegan Recipe Book]

Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise] || Past Challenges: 1 | 2 | 3

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Also, my head is so not in this right now.... again. 
 

A friend of mine called me at 5:30 yesterday. His girlfriend dumped him and kicked him out, and I offered to have him stay with me last night. While on the phone, I briefly touched base with him about what was going on with my relationship, and he was like, "Yeah, you deserve better than that, and, now that I don't have a girlfriend anymore, I can honestly say you are a beautiful woman."
 

And I

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And the whole time he was here, I was super duper nervous, because I've had a crush on this dude for two years. We had a good time and nothing happened between us, but it totally derailed my start to the week mentally/emotionally. I felt like a shitty person for already wanting to pursue someone else/letting those feelings resurface so soon when I haven't even properly ended things with my current bf. 

 

I'm going to try to come back and do a proper update before the end of the week. 

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La esperanza del fénix puede abrirse camino a través de los cielos del desierto y aún desafiar el rencor de la fortuna; revivir de las cenizas y levantarse.

Miguel de Cervantes

SeraphinaLevel 3 scrub.

Seraphina Rises [Battle Log] | Drawing on the Power of Plants [Vegan Recipe Book]

Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise] || Past Challenges: 1 | 2 | 3

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I just want to echo what everyone else has said - it really sounds like you're making the right call. Honestly, in my experience, being friends rarely works anyway (not saying it doesn't - it totally can, but it's rare and it's HARD especially at first) so even if you don't see eye to eye on that it's not the worst thing.

 

Also don't feel bad - you've been miserable and you had a nice time with someone for the first time in what sounds like a while. You didn't do anything wrong.

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On 6/12/2018 at 2:16 PM, Raxie said:

I just want to echo what everyone else has said - it really sounds like you're making the right call. Honestly, in my experience, being friends rarely works anyway (not saying it doesn't - it totally can, but it's rare and it's HARD especially at first) so even if you don't see eye to eye on that it's not the worst thing.

 

Also don't feel bad - you've been miserable and you had a nice time with someone for the first time in what sounds like a while. You didn't do anything wrong.

Thanks Raxie! You're right... the guilt is misplaced. 

 

On 6/12/2018 at 3:32 PM, Theria said:

Image result for the heart wants what it wants -selena -gomez -lyrics

I so need a love for this, like is not enough <3

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La esperanza del fénix puede abrirse camino a través de los cielos del desierto y aún desafiar el rencor de la fortuna; revivir de las cenizas y levantarse.

Miguel de Cervantes

SeraphinaLevel 3 scrub.

Seraphina Rises [Battle Log] | Drawing on the Power of Plants [Vegan Recipe Book]

Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise] || Past Challenges: 1 | 2 | 3

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In coming back to make a proper post, it occurred to me that we are no longer in week 2. I looked back at my tracking and my plan, and I honestly can't even say what I did on what day. 

 

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Oops....

 

This weekend is THE BIG BREAKUP. I think after the weekend is over and I've processed it a little, I'll be able to come back for the final stretch and finish strong. It doesn't help that my plans changed mid-challenge because what I was doing wasn't working. 

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La esperanza del fénix puede abrirse camino a través de los cielos del desierto y aún desafiar el rencor de la fortuna; revivir de las cenizas y levantarse.

Miguel de Cervantes

SeraphinaLevel 3 scrub.

Seraphina Rises [Battle Log] | Drawing on the Power of Plants [Vegan Recipe Book]

Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise] || Past Challenges: 1 | 2 | 3

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I wanted to do a proper challenge, and failed again, so that's cool. Questioning the merit of doing these in the first place, as every challenge has ended with me feeling bad that I haven't kept up and I don't lose any weight. It just reminds me of all the goals I set that I never reach, even if they're small.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend on Saturday, as planned. I was really, really sad afterwards. I still am, even though I'm sure it was the right decision. We were making each other miserable. Since then I haven't really interacted with other people much, and I realized that even though we were long distance, I talked to him all day, every day through texting and I don't really do that with anyone else. He agreed that he wanted to remain friends, but I don't think we'll talk often, especially not at first. I know we both need the distance, but I don't exactly have a giant group of friends to lean on. Or anyone. So I'll just play games alone, and feel bad, I guess.

 

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I brought this upon myself anyway. 

 

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GOAL 1: MENTAL BANISHING SPELL

IDK just have beer for dinner

 

GOAL 2: RITUAL OF RESTORATION

IDK my ankle hurts because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat. So it doesn't matter what I do to try to "repair" my ankle, because the only thing that will help is not being fucking fat.

 

GOAL 3: CAROLINA'S GRASP

IDK I've spent countless hours on my portfolio, tailoring resumes, writing cover letters, finding jobs to apply to. I haven't had a single interview. 

 

bored-now.gif.beb6a1eb136e30e07ef101e49731e807.gif

 

K bye

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La esperanza del fénix puede abrirse camino a través de los cielos del desierto y aún desafiar el rencor de la fortuna; revivir de las cenizas y levantarse.

Miguel de Cervantes

SeraphinaLevel 3 scrub.

Seraphina Rises [Battle Log] | Drawing on the Power of Plants [Vegan Recipe Book]

Seraphina Might Be Using Magic [Still a Ranger, Promise] || Past Challenges: 1 | 2 | 3

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I 110% understand you are in the throws of post-breakup sadness so this may be a little tough-lovey and I pre-apologize but nevertheless I need to say some stuff:

 

1)  This:

On ‎6‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 11:24 PM, Seraphina said:

I brought this upon myself anyway.

No you did not. You did what was right for you - you were miserable and so was he and while this transitioning period kinda sucks you will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF for it.  You didn't bring anything upon yourself.  You were removing yourself from a toxic situation. You are strong and you will get through this and you did the right thing.

 

2) If you feel like you're spinning out of control in a feeling not great about yourself therefore you don't anything cycle (which I have definitely been there btw, it's not pretty and I can relate to the feeling) maybe use the challenges as a grounding point to do something different. Obviously what you've been doing hasn't been working for you - maybe try something less spread sheet based and more "feeling" based.  I know this was a HUGE turning point for me in my challenge successes and honestly my overall happiness. If you want to DM me about it or want any advice or want to talk about anything please challenge/goal setting related (or otherwise!) please feel free :)

 

3) Look at this as an opportunity.  You have more free time your day - is there anything you've been wanting to try out that you haven't had the chance to? Check our your local meet up groups and see if anything strikes your fancy.  It's a great way to meet people and boost your IRL support/friendships as well.

 

4) All the hugs.  Don't get mad at yourself for being sad right now either.  Let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship, have a beer if that's what you want to do, listen to sad music, cry - do your thing.  Your sadness is valid and real and shouldn't be discounted because you blame yourself - as I said above this isn't your fault. Give yourself the space and time to take a step back and process it.  That's OK.

 

Again, really, feel free to DM me if you want to talk. 

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On 6/19/2018 at 4:24 AM, Seraphina said:

 

IDK my ankle hurts because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat. So it doesn't matter what I do to try to "repair" my ankle, because the only thing that will help is not being fucking fat

 

I really feel you with this. Every time I end up hidden away and shovelling food into my face as fast as I can swallow it, I exactly like this. It's not useful. At some point you need to let go the self blame and dispair. I'm not suggesting that is easy. Breaking up isn't an easy thing to do. Even when you know it's the right thing to do. You removed both you and him from the situation and that was the right thing to do but allow yourself the time to feel sad. Those feelings are valid. 

 

 

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On 6/19/2018 at 4:24 AM, Seraphina said:

I wanted to do a proper challenge, and failed again, so that's cool. Questioning the merit of doing these in the first place, as every challenge has ended with me feeling bad that I haven't kept up and I don't lose any weight. It just reminds me of all the goals I set that I never reach, even if they're small.

Not completing challenges and forgetting entire goals is a recurring theme for me, too. But that doesn't mean that they aren't worth it. Every single thing you do to improve yourself and your life will pay off, even if it's simply to learn for yourself that something doesn't work. But right now, you're dealing with a lot in your personal life, especially in regards to your ex. It's normal that everything else goes out of balance for a while. Think back to your first challenge post:

On 5/23/2018 at 10:16 PM, Seraphina said:

Since May 2nd, I've been tracking the habits I built in previous challenges, combined with a few habits I want to build. I've made it into a game and so far it's working. Really well.

You appear to be working on a system of trial and error. When you noticed something not working (the 1/1 and 1/3 hedonist ratio for instance) you changed it up. That's how its supposed to work. It takes a frustratingly long time. But you can get there. 

 

On 6/19/2018 at 4:24 AM, Seraphina said:

I know we both need the distance, but I don't exactly have a giant group of friends to lean on. Or anyone. So I'll just play games alone, and feel bad, I guess.

Loneliness is real and a valid emotion. Knowing you did the right thing is one thing, it's another when its raw and you still feel that loss keenly. Maybe you could reach out to your brother or the friend you told about the break-up? Even a phone call to connect with someone who loves you might help. Or on here.

 

 

Sending you all the virtual hugs and friendship I can. You are hurting and going through a massive personal upheaval. No, it's not your fault. You recognised that the relationship was toxic and you had the courage to end it. Your feelings and your hurt are valid. Take care of yourself, and above all, be kind to yourself. Negative self-talk is the demon in your ear trying to sabotage you. You are worth so much more. Stay strong. 

 

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Okay here is my attempt at being supportive.

 

On 19/06/2018 at 5:24 AM, Seraphina said:

I wanted to do a proper challenge, and failed again, so that's cool. Questioning the merit of doing these in the first place, as every challenge has ended with me feeling bad that I haven't kept up and I don't lose any weight. It just reminds me of all the goals I set that I never reach, even if they're small.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend on Saturday, as planned.

The thing is, you did a challenge, realised that there was something you needed to do that wasn't originally planned and then did it. That is a success in my book.

And yes you will feel bad for a while now, but there is no need to feel bad about feeling bad. Because your feelings are valid and you need to work through things at this moment. Yes cry and do whatever it is you need to do, and then pick yourself up, dust off and do something.

 

On 19/06/2018 at 5:24 AM, Seraphina said:

I brought this upon myself anyway. 

 

You both were miserable, and would continue to be miserable. Now you just need to learn how to function without him. Now there is a chance that both of you will be happier. Take it. 

 

On 19/06/2018 at 5:24 AM, Seraphina said:

IDK my ankle hurts because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat. So it doesn't matter what I do to try to "repair" my ankle, because the only thing that will help is not being fucking fat.

 

And you're trying, so there is always the opportunity that you will find something that works. If you quit nothing will ever get better. We're here, we support you, and you rock just because you try.

 

On 19/06/2018 at 5:24 AM, Seraphina said:

IDK I've spent countless hours on my portfolio, tailoring resumes, writing cover letters, finding jobs to apply to. I haven't had a single interview. 

 

At times this can feel like hitting a brick wall. It's an exercise in patience (in my case not losing my mind to anger mostly) and a struggle. But you are doing something. You are trying and that alone is the most powerful thing you can do. Think of all the progress you have made, read though your beginning of your challenge. You will get back you will do it.

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"... However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." -  Stanley Kubrick

"Difficult for myself? Agent... I was born difficult for myself." - Clint Barton

Challenges:  #1 #2 (mini) #3 (mini) #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12 #13 #14 #15 #16 #17 #18 #19 #20 #21

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Being with someone like you described is scarring in many ways. Often people like that will project their behaviors on to someone else, and make the other person think they are to blame for everything. It's a form of gas-lighting.  Here are some helpful articles:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-know-if-youre-victim-gaslighting

 

I strongly suspect my ex-wife has a cluster-B personality disorder. We were married 9.5 years. I needed a years worth of counseling (and quite a bit before that) before I was able to realize I wasn't the problem, get out, and begin healing. It's been 3 years and I'm remarried now and I'm still healing. You will need time to heal too. The important thing is to know THE NEED TO HEAL IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOUR CHARACTER. 

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5 hours ago, Echocheanic said:

The thing is, you did a challenge, realised that there was something you needed to do that wasn't originally planned and then did it. That is a success in my book.

 

I was going to say this (but Echoceanic said it better than I would have). What you actually did is harder and more important than the challenge you planned.

 

On 6/18/2018 at 11:24 PM, Seraphina said:

IDK my ankle hurts because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat. So it doesn't matter what I do to try to "repair" my ankle, because the only thing that will help is not being fucking fat.

 

 

The feeling are valid, and working on your relationship with food is important. But you ankle hurts because you injured the tendons etc. It will heal, and you'll gradually be able to do increase your movement and moderate exercise. Once your body heals a bit more, things really could get easier. My understanding is that exercise can help with PCOS and it will certainly help your efforts to maintain a healthy weight.

 

You are being really hard on yourself. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to be overweight. Neither of those things make you a bad person. And both of those things can change. It might take a while, it might not be 100% under your control, but your actions and efforts do matter.

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I'll pretty much echo Raxie here and say that you are clearly having the post-breakup sadz. That would explain not sticking with challenge goals, things like this take a huge emotional toll and with willpower being a limited resource, there's not much to be spared for challenge discipline. Don't blame yourself for the current situation. Once the sadz are gone, you'll realize you made the right call. In the long run, breaking up is probably a much greater success than sticking to a bunch of goals for the 4 weeks of the challenge.

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Seraphina, it's been much too long since I checked in here and I'm so sorry. You've been through so much this challenge and I'm so proud of you for making tough choices and continuing to do your best when things were falling apart. Unemployment is very hard (my brother is in almost exactly the same boat in that regard, except he's been graduated for 6 months) and terribly stressful; and then your breakup was just the icing on the cake of awfulness.

 

What everyone else has said is SO true. Very, very few of us finish a challenge having completed everything we thought we would because life rarely follows a plan or a checklist; and you have gritted your teeth and gone through something much more difficult than your challenge goals. I'm so proud of you and I wish I could sit with you and give you a hug right now.

 

That said, I don't want to minimize your weight-related goals either, because they are important to you. Please do not listen to the voice that says your breakup happened because of your weight. Your boyfriend has many challenges and demons that come from inside him, not from you. If you weighed less, he would find something else to fault in you. I know these are just words and may or may not help; but please know that you are not alone, that we are all here for you, and we are so proud of you and the hard things you have been facing and going through. You are strong and your goals aren't going away - they are still there, ready for you to take them on when you're feeling ready.

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tumblr_osyrns3OO81v24hyxo2_500.gif Bitch, back the fuck up and quit listening to the voice in your head!

Ahem. Perhaps that was a little harsh. But you're being way too hard on yourself and need to be stopped.

 

You have been through a traumatic experience. Do you hear me? TRAUMA!
You're not going to just instantly recover from that. You're going to feel sad, and hurt, and alone. You're going to blame yourself and you're going to blame others. And everything else you have going on in your life is going to be tinted with that darkness while you're healing.

 

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And that's okay. As long as you recognize the situation you're in, and that it is not the be-all-end-all reality. It is temporary.

You just got out of a painful relationship in which you regularly were hurt by or hurt someone, and that has a profound effect on your mental and emotional state. It's going to take time to recover from that. Unfortunately the pain doesn't go away just because the relationship ended.

 

Plus you had to end the relationship, which took incredible courage and emotional sacrifice. No wonder you're struggling. Right now probably depressed, overwhelmed, and feeling lost. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

 

But the pain you're feeling now is the aftermath of taking on something huge and terrifying. You chose to step up to the final boss and you defeated it. You are truly a bad ass! Now you're cut up and bruised and licking your wounds. You need to take some time to heal before taking on new battles.

 

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As for this month's challenge, you stepped up, tried some new things, and connected with friends both old and new. That counts. You're not going to master every task but just stepping up and trying can be huge. Please do not judge yourself harshly when you were dealing with so much at the same time. The fact that you're still standing and braved posting your negative thoughts here says a hell of a lot more about you and your character than a spreadsheet of diet stats.


So please, with a more open mind, think about the challenge again.

 


GOAL 1: MENTAL BANISHING SPELL

How many days did you track things? Were you successful in that area?
How many days did you stick to your plans? Kudos for those days.

 

Banish the negative thoughts: IDK just have beer for dinner.

 

You do know. You're just hurt and feeling hopeless so you don't want to think about it.

 

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GOAL 2: RITUAL OF RESTORATION

 

How many days did you care for your ankle?
What can you do to care for it today? Right now?

 

Banish the negative thoughts: my ankle hurts because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat. So it doesn't matter what I do to try to "repair" my ankle, because the only thing that will help is not being fucking fat.

 

I've been in that situation and thought cycle many times before. It's incredibly hard to get out of because part of that is true. If you weren't overweight, your ankle wouldn't hurt as much. Yes, I said as much. The damage is still there. You may not be able to get it to 100% with your weight, but you can certainly improve it.

 

Also I could do an entire thesis on eating while sad. I won't go into it because this reply is long already and the internet has tons of resources. But remember you are not just sad because you're fat. You're sad because of the aforementioned trauma. It will pass.

 

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GOAL 3: CAROLINA'S GRASP

 

You submitted your Thesis edits, worked on the SQL Basics Course, improved your portfolio and resume, and have been applying to jobs. Go you!

 

Banish the negative thoughts: I've spent countless hours on my portfolio, tailoring resumes, writing cover letters, finding jobs to apply to. I haven't had a single interview.

 

Uh, you can't control that girl. Your goal was to do "weekly job hunting and associated duties" and you did that. Well done!

 

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See, it's not that bad. I hope you're able to step back and reflect without feeling so much pain soon. Maybe try journaling a bit, either privately or on your battle log, to sort through your thoughts and feelings. Then after that, work on your next challenge (I'll be looking for it!). And this time make it all about self-care and recovery.

 

So please, be kind to yourself and remember you've got all of us here.

 

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All gifs are from here FYI. Just found the page and am in love. http://kittenwitchandthebadvibes.tumblr.com/

 

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