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Klaybae's New Groove: The Outtening

 

I AM RETURNED.

 

Goal the First: Follow the first half of GMB's Elements according to the scheduled do / rest days.
Goal the Second: Row 10 minutes a day. Let's just get that habit rolling again.
Goal the Third: Get back to keto eating M-F with primal carbs on weekends.

Goal the Fourth: Complete the first half of my MBSR course. 

Hello, why am I sticking to these goals? THE BIG OL HWHY.

Hi there, it's ya boi Klaybae fka Klaymates here.

About a month ago, I reached out to my GP about starting the process for FtM (female to male) transitioning. Among other things, testosterone therapy can cause weight gain and impact mental wellness, and I just want this transition to help me be the h e a l t h i e s t me possible. And right now, I don't feel like my healthiest self. Would you believe how completely and utterly shattered/off balance/stressed/exhausted I am processing all these EMOTIONS and shrugging off the uninformed/hateful/not-my-business opinions of others throughout this process? My GP included? It's hard stuff y'all. Aside from all the distress and other nasty feels I've carried around in my little gender dysphoria feelings bag, I've also constantly felt like a fraud or impostor or liar or fake for living without full authenticity. But hopefully, I can be approved for gender affirming treatments. WHOOOWEEE NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN THAT OUT OF THE WAY.

Even so. This is the most fulfilling and most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life! My whole, big, great, grand, wacky, wonderful life! 

 

On the first day of this challenge I'll see my GP again, hopefully for a referral to an appropriate psychiatrist who specialises in gender therapies and can give me a nice little letter to take to an endocrinologist so that I can begin T. And get my titties lopped off. She asked for some weeks to try to figure out how to deal with all of this, after saying some really stupid, unprofessional, and hurtful things. I am secretly terrified she is going to try to block this process here, by refusing to refer me onwards just because she doesn't believe it's a real thing that's impacted my entire life. I guess I'll figure out how to cross that chasm if it happens.

But anyway, in the meantime I've quit smoking, I'm shedding weight, I'm improving my fitness, I'm improving my mindfulness, I'm reconnecting to the things I love about myself, I'm hoping, and I'm going to breathe deeply and maybe have a nice cuppa. Also this will probably accidentally turn into a journal space about transitioning, so if you really don't want to read about that stuff...well there's your heads up. Thanks!

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Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

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/me stands at the base of the hill you are climbing with you.

 

Ready for a great adventure, friend.

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My Blog | My Story

Race: Wood Elf | Class: Footpath Ranger Leader

Level18 (STR):44.25 (DEX):37.25 (STA):30 (CON):31.25 (WIS):31.5 (CHA):25.25

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke

"Love does not throw the book at you because love doesn't have a book to throw." -CS Lewis

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23 hours ago, Hammlin said:

/me stands at the base of the hill you are climbing with you.

 

Ready for a great adventure, friend.

I love you always

 

2 hours ago, Haikoo said:

I've missed your face!!!

 

Hope you appointment goes better than expected today!

 

 

<hugz>

Thanks Koobie. AND THIS REVIVAL Y'ALL!!!!! WEEEEEEE. I'm going to make our OG REVIVAL group after I do this here lil type up

 

1 hour ago, Daryl of Barbaria said:

I'm here to follow along and offer support. Great challenge and happy returns to NF!

 

Sorry to hear you've had to deal with so much unprofessional BS.

Thanks very much <3
 

Hokay. The First Day.
What a turbulent day. I'm tired. Let's view the polls and see how our dear Klaybae is managing the first week!

Goal 1: ∟∟∟∟∟∟

complete the first half of GMB's Elements program

Goal 2: ∟∟∟∟∟∟
row 10 minutes a day

Goal 3: ∟∟∟∟∟∟

eat keto M-F with primal carbs on weekends

Goal 4: ∟∟∟∟∟∟

complete half of my MBSR course

 

MY WORD! The first day is in the bag, and I've not fallen off a cliff yet. Applause for everyone! I did eat quite a bit more than I meant to (maybe? I don't really know what kind of intake I'm aiming for. Le'ts wing this badboi), but my net carbos came to 22 g. noice.

Today's Eats

breakfast: butter coffee

lunch: scrambled eggs with avocado, cheese, tobasco, and creme fraiche

afternoon snack: beef chips and mixed nuts

supper: grilled burgers topped w/ sauteed mushrooms, bacon, and raclette cheese + creamed leeks + steamed spinach

 

Hey guess what? I also remembered this cool spoiler function. Now, if you don't want to read trans cri content, you can skip it! The marvels! The wonders! No stress!
 

Spoiler

My doctor made me come in for a B I L L E D appointment to tell me to contact my former psychiatrist myself, and that her office will not be endorsing my decision. Because "it is wrong, this is wrong, you have a family to think about." I'm pretty sure a phone call to express this darling sentiment would have been equally as effective. She went on to tell me to think about my established relationship and my three children, and the impact, and how this is too much. So I asked, "Don't you think a therapist who specialises in helping gender dysphoric people and their families would be better suited to make this call?" I don't know if the office will even schedule an appointment without a referral from my GP, and I'm 99.9999999999999% positive my insurance won't cover it. Even though compulsory insurance in Switzerland is legally obligated to cover gender affirming therapies and treatments. So this is one of the (myriad?) ways they fucking get around it all. I knew there would be gatekeeping and bullshit but. Yike. 

When she shook my hand, she barely gripped it, jerked her hand away, and wiped it on her blouse. Maybe she knows something about a wacky infectious disease I'm carrying that I don't? As a subhuman creature, may I be released from the mega expensive taxes I pay in Switzerland? Hahaaaaa as if they'd give up that sweet moola.

Doctor appointment stuff aside. I dressed in men's clothing today. I felt even worse about my breasts. It's not always as easy as "just dress butch." I think it's quite shit how trans men are really considered like something even more other than trans women...at least here in Switzerland. My dysphoria is less legitimate. My need for different primary and secondary sex traits is less legitimate. I am supposed to be happy to live stone butch and shut up and stop making people uncomfortable. Don't you know, "women who want to be men" can stealth so much more easily? As horrible as it feels, I told my partner that I'm making the decision to express my gender as a man from here on. Because the last dang thing I need is another gatekeeper asking me a stupid question like, "But how can you be a man if you wear women's clothes!" Oooooooooooooooff.

I got some really nice socks though. And some new jeans and shorts. And swimming trunks! And boxer briefs! 

Following this path will only destroy my relationships and rip apart the very fabric of family values itself! Nah, fam. I don't buy this bullshit. I'm exactly the same person I've always been to my partner and children. Me feeling better about myself? Feeling safer? Feeling truer? That's only going to be good for all of us in the long term, even if it's really blowing right now. AND HOOOWEEE DO IT REALLY BLOW RIGHT NOW.

My heart is an ache. Maximum stubborn mode has been fully ignited though. So thanks for that, Dr. Douche.

 

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

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24 minutes ago, Devyn said:

It's great that you are taking care of your body AND your mind through all of this. You got this klaybae. All the supports your way.

I'm glad you're here!

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

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Dr. Douche is right. WTAF. Too bad she's not here- she would have the DOI all over her ass.

 

You are stronger than her, and stronger than the mountain you stand on, and dammit it's your mountain.

 

/me kicks her with giant boot off of Kerry's mountain.

  • Like 1

My Blog | My Story

Race: Wood Elf | Class: Footpath Ranger Leader

Level18 (STR):44.25 (DEX):37.25 (STA):30 (CON):31.25 (WIS):31.5 (CHA):25.25

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke

"Love does not throw the book at you because love doesn't have a book to throw." -CS Lewis

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Faced in the right direction, all I have to do is keep walking.

 

dissolves into a puddle of cramps and tampons and tea

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

Link to comment

DAY TWO OKAY I AM STILL HERE WOW.

So. My progress for week one. I have an official streak! I'll break each section down a little more below. K? K. Cool.

 

Goal 1: ☻☻∟∟∟∟∟

complete the first half of GMB's Elements program

Goal 2: ☻☻∟∟∟∟∟
row 10 minutes a day

Goal 3: ☻☻∟∟∟∟∟

eat keto M-F with primal carbs on weekends

Goal 4: ☻☻∟∟∟∟∟

complete half of my MBSR course

GMB
Yesterday was the Elements assessment. Today's focus was on the A-Frame (think downward dog) and moving in Bear (taking downward dog and moving forward and reverse--spoiler: backwards version SUCKS). As difficult as I find this when I throw it in reverse, I actually like this best of the three Element movement patterns. Partly because it's my strongest form. Partly because it has done WONDERS for improving my overhead shoulder ROM, increasing overall shoulder strength, and keeping fibro trigger points at bay.  Seriously, if you have shoulder issues. START. RIGHT. NOW. Mostly it's my favorite because it doesn't call out how shittytight my hips are in front of the entire class. Thanks, Bear. YOU DA REAL MVP. Tomorrow is Frogger, though. Oh the hip-miliation.

 

Rowing

Yesterday I stopped at exactly ten minutes. Today was pretty much more of the same. I can really tell it's been a few weeks since I broke my rowing streak (and never got back to it hurrrr), because something feels weird. My cadence maybe. My stroke is way less powerful, and I'm compensating with a higher stroke rate. Which results in a significantly more elevated heart rate. Which makes me have ZERO interest in pushing for more than ten minutes each day, at least until I get re-coordinated. Right now I just care about restoring consistency. Longer sessions can come later.

 

Eats

Food's been delicious. I'm bbq'ing lots. Today my calories were in a much better (for me) place, and still around 70% from fats. I think I'm ending the day around 11g net carbs? I've also been drinking a ridiculous amount of water. And coffee. Might really need to reel in the coffee, but I'll see how my sleep fares. 

 

If you want to see food pics, Proof of Rowing (PoR), and more, check out the new IG handle I made just for NF challenges! If you have an IG account dedicated to bettering yourself through health, fitness, or tacos, lemme know how to follow you. PM me, or drop it here if you want. Or follow me, and I'll throw a follow right back atchya. :winkwinkwinkwinkwink: I'm gonna warn you though. I seriously suck at accountability threads. Like, just expect this challenge to drop dead at a moment's notice. My IG will do the same. NOT THIS TIME. NOT THIS TIME. I AM AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN BETTERING MYSELF. (I'm also just boring and take shitty pics.)

 

Mindfulness

My course seems like it's going to require 30-45 minutes a day, with maybe a solid hour one day a week. I've been a pretty solid practitioner of mindfulness for many, many years, but I've never taken a "real" course on it. Read loads of books, practiced many styles, etc. But this is new for me. It's strange to do it in person, with people. But I want to really reconnect to this practice, maybe I'll deepen it, and maybe I'll be able to help others as well. 
 

Other Things

  • I've started wearing my Fitbit again. If any of you are tracking steps this challenge, feel free to add me to any weekday or weekend step event things. It's a great way to feel good about yourself, when you see how much better you do! (Makes note to add "Increase overall daily movement" to next challenge.)
  • I had a most excellent bath cri today, reading Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for Courage and the Strength to Stand Alone. I feel so. Okay. now. About this thing that so many people tell me is going to LITERALLY destroy everyone and everything I love. Periods of transition (from anything to anything) are hard, period. They always suck. Discomfort signals change and growth. And that's good. And that's where I aim to be. And this uncomfortable time (for me and family and anyone else) will pass, and in ten years it won't be anywhere close to how badly I would feel if I were still living without the highest level of authenticity. It's too important to me, to teach my kids to be true to themselves, and also show them. It's also just important to me, for me. It's me. It's literally just me. It's fine.
  • I'm nearly out of my favorite incense. I think I'll try something new. 
  •  Shark week be sharkin.
  • At Hammi's suggestion, I've ordered some black currant black tea. Maybe that will help me lay off the coffee a bit. STILL CAFFEINE THO. 

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

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You're totally NOT going to drop off the face of the challenge, because I'm not going to, either (we share that same track history there). 

 

We can and will do this. Boring is okay, I'm totes in that club with you. We can enjoy each other's boringness (and possibly crappy pictures).

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STR 7.2 | DEX 3.5 | STA 5.8 | CON 8.4 | WIS 5.55 | CHA 5.5

 

Most Recent Challenge

 

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It's day three and I'm still doing daily updates? 

Streak obsession is strong.

 

Goal 1: ☻☻☻∟∟∟∟

complete the first half of GMB's Elements program

Goal 2: ☻☻☻∟∟∟∟
row 10 minutes a day

Goal 3: ☻☻☻∟∟∟∟

eat keto M-F with primal carbs on weekends

Goal 4: ☻☻∟∟∟∟∟

complete half of my MBSR course

GMB
Frogger. That is all. 

Okay, I'm actually not as TERRIBLE at it as I let on, but the whole "heels aren't flat" thing really bums me. I've been trying for years to fix my squat. It's come so far! But it still sucks. And so does my frogger. I hit another wheel pose today though! A nervous, doubtful, hesitant, tired and shaky one, BUT I HIT IT. It might seem silly to be so happy about this, but I couldn't even backbend like this as a kid. It feels good. Doubly good because after a spine injury that left me in a long-term care facility while I learned how to shit in a toilet and walk unassisted again, I never thought I'd do it. I did it.

I'm also adding in a daily 15 push ups, because reasons. That is going surprisingly well. 

 

Rowing

I felt really tired today. Possibly because day 3 of keto after a two week carb bender (that kicked off with an entire weekend of booze-as-sustenance). But I also did it. 

 

Eats

The chorizo deviled eggs I whipped up for lunch were so. good. And I have the other half for lunch tomorrow. Scooooooore. I really wanted to cheat today. It's been an emotional day. Maybe one of my most emotional since I quit smoking. And no cigs and no carbs to bandaid me through it meant I had to feel the ENTIRE DAY OF FEELINGS. Which I did, until I didn't. On to mindfulness...

 

Mindfulness

I got seriously overwhelmed and overdid and tired and parenting-exhausted at supper and blew up at my kids. They were being proper jerks (as kids do, it's fine). I really should have completely removed myself from what was going on, but I felt like I couldn't I tried expressing an SOS to the other grown up but my morse code must be pretty shitty because he did not pick up on it. He also didn't pick up on it when I flat out said "Hello my Limit Break is full, it's about to be unleashed, can you stop what's happening or something." 

It wasn't stopped and I really ripped into my oldest two and I felt super shitty and DOUBLE EMBARRASSED because it's getting warm and we (and everyone else) has the windows open. Oh. Well. 

Oh yeah. I did not do my coursework today. But I am a little ahead and my next in person class isn't until Friday. It's fine. 
 

Other Things

  • My average daily steps were around 13k last time I wore my fitbit. I've averaging 7k now. It feels. Like I need to focus on this next challenge because I already have a lot on my plate. K.
  • This week I've started going out of the house "as myself." I didn't realise that was like, a big deal for some people. And an incredibly terrifying ordeal for some. I am really lucky that I either don't fucking care enough about the looks people give or things they whisper, or else feel safe enough in my immediate surroundings to do it, or both. 
  • I sent my brother a pic of me and he was actually really jealous that I am several inches shorter than him, around the same weight, and we look about the same size / wear the same pant size. "You look stronger than me and probably have more muscle mass than I do." Hopefully someday, I can grow a better beard than he does too (impossible, his beard is glorious).
  • I took some pictures of some areas I'd like to keep an eye on (legs, calves, back). Like, my belly has really taken the hit in my most recent weight gain, but I look pretty dang great imo. I really want to get my waist measurement down though, because T can cause weight gain, and it will likely all go to the belly (male fat distribution pattern).

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

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Just now, Haikoo said:

I have been the psycho yelling parent with the windows open. I apologize to my kids (while reminding them they probably owe me another sort of apology), forgive myself, and bide my time (until the next time, because there will probably be a next time lol)

Definitely samest of sames. Boba was really sweet. "You're the best Didi, you just got angry. I'm sorry I wasn't listening." Ellie too. "I know you and Boba told me 'no' and I should respect your boundaries." LIKE UGH. 

 

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

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7 hours ago, Haikoo said:

I have been the psycho yelling parent with the windows open. I apologize to my kids (while reminding them they probably owe me another sort of apology), forgive myself, and bide my time (until the next time, because there will probably be a next time lol)

 

 

 

7 hours ago, klaybae said:

Definitely samest of sames. Boba was really sweet. "You're the best Didi, you just got angry. I'm sorry I wasn't listening." Ellie too. "I know you and Boba told me 'no' and I should respect your boundaries." LIKE UGH. 

 

 

It happens. I figure their are two kinds of people in the world: people who acknowledge the ultimate truth, that as much as you may love them, kids are fucking annoying; and then there are people who live in absolute denial of this truth.

  • Like 2

Daryl of Barbaria - Ranger / Footpad

"Smart-aleck jaybird!"

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DAY FOUR??????????

It's fine.

 

Goal 1: ☻☻☻☻∟∟∟

complete the first half of GMB's Elements program

Goal 2: ☻☻☻☻∟∟∟
row 10 minutes a day

Goal 3: ☻☻☻☻∟∟∟

eat keto M-F with primal carbs on weekends

Goal 4: ☻☻∟∟∟

complete half of my MBSR course

GMB
Monkey is fun!

 

Rowing

Felt like I actually hit my stride (stroke?) again today. Debated going to 20, but really don't want to overdo my "do all the things" self right now, so I'm going to be cool and stay at 10 minutes this week. 

 

Eats

Grilled fajita salaaaaad. Leftover chorizo deviled eggs for lunch. Eats were good! I'm doing the thing!

 

Mindfulness

Much better today. Much more present. Much more course work done.
 

Other Things

  • Nothing to really report, except woo paid my taxes!
  • Oh, and hopefully next month I can spend a four day weekend in Germany camping at a heavy metal festival!  \m/
  • Like 2

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

Link to comment

I just realized I hadn't followed you yet, now it's fixed :)

 

Just read your intro post, that's intense! And it really sucks your GP isn't more understanding :( But I'm glad you're pushing through anyway! 

Doodlie for life, Pancake by choice
Spoiler

 

Challenge 12, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

Challenges 2017: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Challenges 2018: 29, 30, 31, 32, 3334, 35,

Challenges 2019: 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

 

Challenges 2020: 41, 42, 43, 44, 45

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I AM NOT OFF THE CLIFF. I kind of slipped towards it and almost let go, but I hung on through the weekend and pulled myself back up. And I'm probably changing a lot of my challenge but that's better than falling off the cliff. More later. 

  • Like 2

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Haikoo said:

Good for you!! It's okay if you have to change the rules. You have found out what is working and what is not. That's a step toward success.

If I can finish the challenge doing literally anything with intention, it's a win n my book!

  • Like 3

Crystal Gem Druid || Stat-free Level-free Goodness

"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" Uzumaki Naruto

"You're pro or you're a noob. It's so easy, that's life."  Athene, Best Paladin in the World

"Do what the fuck you want to." Panic Station, Muse

Link to comment
On 6/5/2018 at 3:05 PM, klaybae said:

I AM NOT OFF THE CLIFF. I kind of slipped towards it and almost let go, but I hung on through the weekend and pulled myself back up. And I'm probably changing a lot of my challenge but that's better than falling off the cliff. More later. 

 

I hear you. I think I'm in the same boat right now. Nothing wrong with a mid-challenge reboot.

 

12 hours ago, klaybae said:

If I can finish the challenge doing literally anything with intention, it's a win n my book!

 

A win is a win is a win. Progress, not perfection.

Daryl of Barbaria - Ranger / Footpad

"Smart-aleck jaybird!"

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On 5-6-2018 at 10:05 PM, klaybae said:

I AM NOT OFF THE CLIFF. I kind of slipped towards it and almost let go, but I hung on through the weekend and pulled myself back up. And I'm probably changing a lot of my challenge but that's better than falling off the cliff. More later. 

Nothing wrong with simplifying things :)

 

Any thoughts about your new goals? 

Doodlie for life, Pancake by choice
Spoiler

 

Challenge 12, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

Challenges 2017: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Challenges 2018: 29, 30, 31, 32, 3334, 35,

Challenges 2019: 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

 

Challenges 2020: 41, 42, 43, 44, 45

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