traaki sets it all on fire.

[traaki]

Friends, you may recall a morose, anxious Traaki from last challenge, committed to getting a few job applications done and maybe doing some meditation. 

Since last we spoke, I've: 

• Been hit by a car on my bicycle (I'm okay, just have a badly bruised hand. It was the first time that's happened to me in over 12 years of bike commuting!) 
• Fallen down some stairs for the worst ankle sprain of my life, [can't find a gif of Laura Dern limping] and... 
• [Giant life news redacted until the appropriate parties are informed]

 

Due to giant life news (update tomorrow after critical parties are informed), sh*t's about to get real. 

 

I'm not super sure on the best course of action, so here are some initial quests that are 100% subject to change: 

 

1) Daily Writing -- I want to stay on top of my game with all these big life transitions coming up, and daily journaling helps me with that.  I also want to be conscious of what I'm choosing to do during this transition and to make it as mindful and impactful as possible.

2) Take bold action. -- I am not sure what this means, but there are going to be lots of big decisions and I need to be able to make confident decisions and not endlessly waffle. Maybe it's just a mantra for the month. I also want to just tell people what's happening, which is a challenge I always have (I hate surprising people.) 

3) Stay calm. -- I"m not 100% sold on some of the major life changes (they're of the "Well it all makes *sense* but is it *right* for me?" type of changes) and found myself awake at 2 am sweaty and anxious. This is *not* like me; I'm a professional grade sleeper. 

 

I'm going to leave some space for new goals, and for these goals to shift, mutate or disappear altogether.  But I'd like to stay checked in here during this time of transition. In many ways I think the next six weeks are going to be a pretty hard reset on my life, possibly a respawn.  We shall see.

I'm feeling really frustrated by my injury and subsequent limitations on workouts. I may try to do some pushups and upper body stuff in the next couple days; right now the sprain is bad enough that even just a small wiggle or twitch is painful. I might treat meditation as a workout as long as the injury is here?  It's not the same but keeping the time set aside feels like a really good idea and meditation can't hurt. 

 

Because the truth is: 

And it's all gonna be okay, sooner or later. 

 

[@mu]

8 hours ago, traaki said:

Due to giant life news (update tomorrow after critical parties are informed), sh*t's about to get real. 

Wow much suspense!!
Sorry to hear about wrist + ankle hurt, that's a pretty bad combo to deal with

[Manarelle]

Boo to injuries. I like the idea of setting aside time for meditation, though. Good to keep in the practice of "I will do something mindfully for my health right now" without trying to push and re-injure. Fingers crossed for the giant life news, hope it's positive for you. 

[traaki]

11 hours ago, @mu said:

Sorry to hear about wrist + ankle hurt, that's a pretty bad combo to deal with

It stinks. I am having to use my hands so much for weight bearing when standing up.  BUT they're getting better. I've started doing ice water baths for the ankle and that's the only thing that is really bringing down the swelling, despite super aggressive icing and elevation.  

 

2 hours ago, Manarelle said:

Good to keep in the practice of "I will do something mindfully for my health right now" without trying to push and re-injure.

I love this framing of it.  Helps me have a specific thing to focus on rather than "OMG what am I doiiiiinggggg". 

[traaki]

11 hours ago, @mu said:

Wow much suspense!!

 

2 hours ago, Manarelle said:

Fingers crossed for the giant life news, hope it's positive for you. 

 

Okay, everyone who needed to get the news has gotten the news, so I am free to post it on the internets!

 

1) My partner and I are moving back to my hometown....in about three weeks. It's something we've been talking about for a while, but I was expecting it to be in about 18 months.  Then with my job stuff (see part 2) plus the fact that my sister & brother-in-law are moving there, and they are our besties, and we can live with them for WAY cheaper than our current rent....I dunno, it all kind of came together.  We are *not* the "make giant life-changing decisions recklessly" types so it's stressful just from the perspective of lots of change happening that I was *not* prepared for. 

 

2) I quit my job! I am freeeee to look for something better. I am trying really hard to be hopeful, to be diligent in my downtime about learning some new skills, and to be kind to myself when the rejections come.

[Manarelle]

Wow, great news, but I could see where that much fast-moving while injured would be stressful. Hang in there, you've got this, and it will be much better for you once the dust settles. 

 

5 hours ago, traaki said:

I love this framing of it.  Helps me have a specific thing to focus on rather than "OMG what am I doiiiiinggggg". 

 

You are rocking the self-care goal, that's what.

[traaki]

22 hours ago, Manarelle said:

Wow, great news, but I could see where that much fast-moving while injured would be stressful.

I had no idea how much I rely on *doing things* to process stuff like this, and the inability to, like, pack or do anything physical is tough! 

 

 

22 hours ago, Manarelle said:

You are rocking the self-care goal, that's what.

Woo! Doing my damnedest. 

[traaki]

Today: 

 

1) Daily Writing -- I signed up last night for a 21 day poetry challenge. It was sort of impulsive, kind of a "hey you quit your job!" reward and a "hey please keep writing even when things are nuts!" commitment. I think it was a good sign and enjoyed today (the first day). 

 

2) Take bold action -- Had a bit of a struggle but I spent some time today beefing up my skills. I had a really great interview with this morning with a company I've dreamed of working for.  I am really trying to not get my hopes up while ALSO preparing diligently for this interview, since that prep will be good for any other interviews going forward anyhow. 

 

3) Stay calm -- Struggling with imposter syndrome (see above about dreamy job) is making me want to spend all weekend on coding projects so I can have amazing samples. But I also have fun plans and don't need to do that! So I'm going to make a concrete plan for what I want to get done this weekend and keep myself limited in terms of time. 

 

It's starting to actually sink in about the move and I am actually getting a bit excited finally. <3

[Manarelle]

Good catch on recognizing impostor syndrome before it took over your weekend. Hope things are going as planned (as much as possible). Good luck with the interview(s) and the writing, you've got this. 

[traaki]

On 6/3/2018 at 9:46 AM, Manarelle said:

Good catch on recognizing impostor syndrome before it took over your weekend. Hope things are going as planned (as much as possible). Good luck with the interview(s) and the writing, you've got this. 

Thank you! The interview turned out to be more of a screening call and less of the technical interview than expected, but it still went well.

[traaki]

1) Daily Writing -- I just defeated my seven day streak boss on 4thewords! So obviously daily writing has been good.  The poetry challenge has been feeling like maaaaybe a touch too ambitious but I've been getting in some poetry time every day in addition to some more journally type writing, so I'll count that a win. 

 

2) Take bold action -- I wrote and deleted a bunch of stuff about how hard things are with the injury BUT enough complaining, it's BOLD ACTION DAY! Today's bold action will be to submit another job application.  

 

3) Stay calm -- My interview was not the slam dunk I hoped for, but I'm trying to just let that slide into the past and keep looking for ways to improve for the future.  Maybe I won't get the job, but I will get *a* job.  And that will be awesome. (Updated to add: I just got two requests for code samples which I KNEW were coming but it's still so stressful and scary. STAY CALM.)

 

My ankle is actually doing a lot better. I've graduated to one crutch today instead of two, and last night I did a ton of mobility exercises and it's getting a lot better. There's still one direction that is very painful to move, and I'm careful to ice after all the exercises (I have a bucket of ice water I call the Gom Jabbar).  It's such a relief to see improvement. 

 

Uffda. What a month. 

[RogueLibrarian]

Heyyyy just catching up. Good choice making a low-commitment challenge. Sending you good job mojo!

[traaki]

1) Daily Writing -- Still going well. I've been staying up a touch later to get this done which is not ideal. But it's going okay and I'm glad I'm doing it. I just hit a 9 day streak last night! 

2) Take bold action -- Okay, at this point I'm juggling interviews/screeners with three promising options and one....option.  I think it's time to put the breaks on sending out applications and get through these interviews. By the time they are resolved, I'll likely have completed the move and will either a) have a job or b ) have time to keep looking for a new one/beefing up my skills. So I think right now the bold actions I'm going to be focusing on are: interview prep, code samples, and GETTING RID OF STUFF. Last time I moved across the country, I took literally six months to go through everything I owned (sometimes multiple times) and I got rid of sooooo much. I was hoping to do the same this time, but time is short.  When in doubt--toss it.  

 

3) Stay calm -- I'm having a lot of "I'M NOT READY TO LEAVE LA" feelings lately and feeling some deep regret welling up. I don't....I don't think that's actually how this is going to go; i think I am suffering from light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel syndrome. Stay calm, self! You are already on the train and it is barrelling away from the station! FOMO is the worst; don't give in! It will be okay! 

 

I had a salad for lunch yesterday, which was great. I should eat salads with bacon & eggs more often. 

 

In an attempt to feel excited about what's coming up: I am 99.999% likely to be working from home, which means I get to establish so many new habits and don't have to worry about whether or not all my salad goodies will fit in my bike bag.  

[traaki]

On 6/5/2018 at 12:17 PM, RogueLibrarian said:

Heyyyy just catching up. Good choice making a low-commitment challenge. Sending you good job mojo!

Thank you!!! 

[traaki]

Okay, so I've been working on some code samples tonight and totally tearing out my hair about why I don't understand this etc etc and I tried a new thing: 

 

Every time I started to think something negative about *myself* (e.g. "I'm not cut out for this", "why am I so dumb?", etc.) I stopped myself and reminded myself that I'm learning new things, and it's no surprise it's a struggle. I don't have a teacher and am learning everything myself.  

 

1) It's shocking how much I say mean things to myself

2) It's sort of embarrassing to see them written out here

3) It's been easier to think and learn. Like, a *lot* easier. 

 

This seems so silly and obvious, but anyway, I'm going to add a new part to my challenge: 

 

Q4: Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. 

[Manarelle]

13 hours ago, traaki said:

This seems so silly and obvious, but anyway, I'm going to add a new part to my challenge: 

 

Q4: Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. 

 

Think that's something most people have to go through at some point in life. Several years ago, a therapist hit me upside the head with "what would it look like to treat yourself with the same kindness you treat others with?" Revolutionary thinking, at the time. Good that you're catching it, and can already see the results. You can't learn without failing, you've got this. 

[traaki]

3 hours ago, Manarelle said:

 

Think that's something most people have to go through at some point in life. Several years ago, a therapist hit me upside the head with "what would it look like to treat yourself with the same kindness you treat others with?" Revolutionary thinking, at the time. Good that you're catching it, and can already see the results. You can't learn without failing, you've got this. 

I feel like I sorted this out as far as writing and other things went, but damn, I did NOT know how deep the rot had set in as regards my professional ability. I was just like, "Yeah, but it doesn't COUNT as negative self-talk if it's TRUE!" Ugh.  Go away, mean Traaki. 

 

Thanks for the support. 

 

In other news, I haven't used my crutch at all today and am not in a lot of pain! It's finally starting to feel like my ankle will actually recover eventually!!

 

And, I submitted my code sample, I had two interviews, both of which went swimmingly, and got my first official interview with my favorite place (but dang they sure did a lot of screening). Again, I'm going to spend a small amount of time this weekend reviewing and prepping, but for the most part, I am sooooo ready to go. 

[traaki]

Okay, so maybe it's been ten days since I checked in, apparently!  I had a friend in from out of town and had the end of my job and a million job interviews and packing and... yeah it's been busy.

 

1) Daily Writing -- I've written six of the last ten days. Maybe even seven, actually! I've been trying really hard to be a Good Roommate Who Excels at Packing and it means I've kinda dropped the ball on that old self-care thing.

 

2) Take bold action -- At this point I'm in the second interview territory on the job search and while there's still stuff I'd like to get done it's feeling a bit less urgent. I'm taking bold action more in the moving department--trying not to let any particular moment or decision stymy me and just KEEP MOING FORWARD. 

 

3) Stay calm -- Still a struggle, pretty much not excited about the move at all and just trying to not fall into a pit of bitterness and recrimination. I don't feel like I can talk about that with anyone I live with because they all get super uncomfortable soooooo. Yeah. 

 

4) Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk -- I forgot about this! But tbh now that I'm not at my super toxic former work place, this is feeling pretty darn good.  

 

I wish this all felt better. I'm falling WAY behind on my workout goals between the move/job search/ankle and while I feel like that's kind of okay, I also wish things were different. But they aren't.  Next challenge can be about workouts. Right now it's still about putting out fires. 

[Manarelle]

10 hours ago, traaki said:

I wish this all felt better. I'm falling WAY behind on my workout goals between the move/job search/ankle and while I feel like that's kind of okay, I also wish things were different. But they aren't.  Next challenge can be about workouts. Right now it's still about putting out fires. 

 

Perhaps your goals need to change to address what's happening right now? Life happens, plans change, no reason why you shouldn't redo a challenge to address things that are actually currently challenging to you. 

 

10 hours ago, traaki said:

3) Stay calm -- Still a struggle, pretty much not excited about the move at all and just trying to not fall into a pit of bitterness and recrimination. I don't feel like I can talk about that with anyone I live with because they all get super uncomfortable soooooo. Yeah.

 

This is important, having someone to talk would help this a lot. If you don't have family/friends you feel comfortable talking with, you're welcome to pm me or there are online help chats, but that's definitely a "better out than in" thing. 

[karinajean]

hey! I'm soooo late to challenges this time around but I'm really excited for yours, even if you're feeling like you're not hitting your activity goals. what about just picking a goal of doing *something* for a period of time every day, and then when the uncertainty is more cleared up you can rededicate yourself to a specific pursuit?

 

also, please come here, at a minimum, to talk about your feels. don't keep it inside. we're here for you!

[RogueLibrarian]

15 hours ago, traaki said:

4) Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk -- I forgot about this! But tbh now that I'm not at my super toxic former work place, this is feeling pretty darn good.  

 

I have something I've been ruminating on, relevant to this. I'll try to write up a paragraph or two and tag you soon.

[traaki]

On 6/19/2018 at 9:12 AM, Manarelle said:

This is important, having someone to talk would help this a lot. If you don't have family/friends you feel comfortable talking with, you're welcome to pm me or there are online help chats, but that's definitely a "better out than in" thing. 

 

On 6/19/2018 at 10:48 AM, karinajean said:

hey! I'm soooo late to challenges this time around but I'm really excited for yours, even if you're feeling like you're not hitting your activity goals. what about just picking a goal of doing *something* for a period of time every day, and then when the uncertainty is more cleared up you can rededicate yourself to a specific pursuit?

 

also, please come here, at a minimum, to talk about your feels. don't keep it inside. we're here for you!

 

Thank you both. <3 I appreciate it and being able just to say that I'm struggling is already a big weight off.  My partner and I have been able to talk about it a bit more and while he doesn't fully understand, he's able to hear it without feeling dismissed or hurt or anything. So that's good.

The move just feels premature, and while I can acknowledge that I'm sorta focused on what I'm losing more than what I'm gaining, it's hard to shift that and I'm the only one here who seems to want to stay at all. 

 

Anyway, it helps to know I have this outlet. I hope and believe that when I get to my new home and start to settle in I'll stop feeling like death is coming for me.  And if I don't, then probably time for some professional support.  

 

In the meantime, here are some things I'm proud of: 

* I told a recruiter to buzz off when he tried to get me to do interviews mid-move. (Seriously, if it can't wait til Monday, I"m really not the right candidate. I don't go in for this breakneck fake time-sensitive shit. The project is supposed to last three years; I think they can wait three more days.)

* I didn't give in when we were talking about maybe not hiring movers and doing it myself. Just from the packing in the house and climbing in/out of our giant truck, I feel how sore my ankle is and moving would have been a sure ticket to trouble. 

* I asked my dream job to move their interview an extra day, and I sent all the jobs I'm serious about a link to an article written about me, which I felt kind of awkward about (Hey look how great I am!) but I suppose if there's ever a time to do that, it's during a job search.

* eeeeeeeeeeeeee this move is madnesssssssssss

 

Yesterday's micro challenge goal: Get through the day without feeling like I pushed too hard. Take breaks. Drink water.  Smile as much as possible. 

ACHIEVED!

 

Same goal for today. Take breaks, drink water, eat when hungry, don't stress. 

 

Tomorrow is my second interview for one of my top two job choices. Eeeeeeeeek. 

[Manarelle]

12 hours ago, traaki said:

Thank you both. <3 I appreciate it and being able just to say that I'm struggling is already a big weight off.  My partner and I have been able to talk about it a bit more and while he doesn't fully understand, he's able to hear it without feeling dismissed or hurt or anything. So that's good.

 

Having a supportive partner is a wonderful thing. Hope things keep getting smoother for you. 

 

12 hours ago, traaki said:

I hope and believe that when I get to my new home and start to settle in I'll stop feeling like death is coming for me. 

 

If you need a chuckle (or possibly belly laugh) on this topic.... your statement reminded me of Hyperbole and a Half's moving post. Enjoy. 

 

Very congrats o the things you're proud of. It's hard to say no to pushy people, but very necessary, and as you say, you'll be much happier having done so. We hired a mover for our last move and it makes the whole process amazingly easier. 100% worth it, good on you for sticking to your guns. 

 

Deep breath, you got this. Good luck on the interview, just be your amazing self. :cheers: 

[traaki]

On 6/19/2018 at 2:23 PM, RogueLibrarian said:

I have something I've been ruminating on, relevant to this. I'll try to write up a paragraph or two and tag you soon.

Definitely interested in this! The whole positive self-talk thing has been really important lately. 

 

On 6/22/2018 at 8:15 AM, Manarelle said:

If you need a chuckle (or possibly belly laugh) on this topic.... your statement reminded me of Hyperbole and a Half's moving post. Enjoy. 

I hadn't read this in so long, it was a perfect thing to read last week. Thank you.

 

Overall, move is done so we're here and that's...well, it's over.  It feels like I'm on vacation or something, I need to do something boring and adult like to remind myself that we've moved. 

 

As for the challenge, I feel like I did pretty well over the last month. I'm kind of killing it on the job search (she says as she looks around for the other shoe to drop) and in my career in general.  The move is....still to be determined how it will go.  I've been writing though not posting anything (my phone broke during the move and I haven't replaced it yet). So, yeah. 

I'm gonna start a zero week challenge--it's time to get things rolling in the new life. <3 <3 Thank you all for being here during a difficult time. 

[RogueLibrarian]

4 minutes ago, traaki said:

Definitely interested in this! The whole positive self-talk thing has been really important lately. 

 

The short version -- and I will talk more about this in my thread when I get a minute is that we recently watched a RuPaul's Drag Race episode in which the contestants were asked to personify their best selves and worst (most self-sabatoging, etc) selves and present each one with a monologue (and, naturally, fabulous ensemble) on stage. My wife and both really loved the idea and have been discussing it off and on since then in the context of confidence vs negative self-talk.

 

4 minutes ago, traaki said:

I hadn't read this in so long, it was a perfect thing to read last week. Thank you.

 

We've been known to refer to some of our cats as "simple cat" and "helper cat."