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Bean Sidhe

Bean Si Vs Chaos - Bean Si honors and remembers

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The story until now.

 

Spoiler

I am a mom to 2 Agents of Chaos (Eldest and Youngest), and 3 fur agents (Agent Black (1 year old), Agent White (kitten) and Agent K9 (dog)). I am married and I work part time. I also go to college while being that mom that helps at the school and is the first one teachers call when they need something. I garden and could almost call it homestead somewhat with canning food to last the year.

Things are not easy sometimes (most of the time). I am trying to balance everything while still maybe finding something for me in the process. I am learning to try and juggle all the things while still helping here at home. There is no "go to the gym" time with kids in activities 4 nights a week and my work and schoolwork. The semester has started, and the chaos and time spent studying has increased more than I expected.

I don’t always do things the easy way, I don’t always make the best choices, and please remember, while I have more flaws than anyone here will know, I am doing the best I can with what I have. I don’t expect easy, but I want to get back to where I feel healthy and have energy. A state I was in 2 years ago and lost. I keep fixating on getting back there, but its not as easy as it would seem.

Long term goals: Return to a more balanced feeling, Get healthy, Have more energy, Have quality time with my family, get control of the chaos so It’s less chaos, and either avoid or learn to handle the rocks being thrown at me better.

 

 

source.gif

 

This challenge is going to be a bit different from most of my challenges. Mostly because on Monday, I lost my chosen sister to cancer 2 weeks after losing Agent Feline. My Sister had triple negative Metastatic breast cancer, for which there is no cure and she spent the last 4 years of her life constantly fighting the tumors that it would cause in every part of her body, but in the end, she died from an infection her body could no longer fight off. She was a wonderful person and I miss her so damn much. In fact, I am shocked I am even able to write this yet.  Right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, and wait for the world to see this was a mistake and bring her back. Something I know won’t happen, but damn it, doesn’t mean I don’t want to see her again, to craft with her again, to talk to her again.

That being said, she wouldn’t want me to give up. She would want me to live my life, to take care of myself the way she was always bugging me to. To take care of my kids since they need me while I deal with this too, and to take of others.

However, it’s easy to say that right now when I sit here, having had a brownie and a candy bar for breakfast. Which I guess is better than having not eaten at all yesterday and I had less than 1000 steps because I just couldn’t bring myself to care.

So this challenge is going to be mostly healing and working back into the things I need to do. The things I know she would want me to do.

I don’t plan on starting this until at least Monday. The funeral itself is Saturday. But by Monday, I really need to be back to closer to me.

For zero week (and maybe week 1) I will still track and still see what I can do, but I know it won’t all get done. At this point, if I do anything each day that would be on my list, then it’s a win.

Week 1 (seeing how I am doing) then I need to do at least 5 pts a day.

Week 2 (or however it works) then I need to do at least 10 pts a day.

Week 3 then I need to do at least 15 pts a day.

By the end of week 4, I should be at all 20 pts a day.

I am not sure how to set up the tracker just yet (or at least the scoring bit) but I will figure that out.  I need to take care of myself and adjust to the fact that so much has changed. And this is me, trying to remember to not fall into the depression that I see, and fighting the anxiety that if I can lose her, who else will I lose.

Goals below. Mostly the same from last challenge, I added a no stupid sugar rule (cookies and things are becoming too common) and a check in here goal since I do better when I check in and well, I run a very high risk right now of just isolating myself and making everything worse.

Good luck everyone. And in a public service message. Make sure your doing self exams, male or female. And For what its worth, my sister was not a fan of Susan G. Komen since they refused to help Stage 4 Metastatic breast cancer since there is no “happy ending” so she was never into the pink thing.

 

Strength (2 pts)

 

·         Newer strength exercise (1pt) – Balance ball crunches  

·         Continue other exercises (1pt) –  Doing all of them totals 1 pt. they don’t have to be done at the same time.

o   leg lifts

o   reverse sit ups 

o   sit ups

o   Knee to elbows

o   pushups. 

o   Balance ball push ups

Flexibility (2 pts)

 

·         Newer stretch (1pt) – Warrior 1

·         Continue previous stretches (1pt) –All of these help my back (which is not great due to an injury I took years ago) and wrists from carpal tunnel due to homework. These are Key

o   Wrist Extension

o   Dog and child yoga

o   Meditating Groot

o   butterfly

o   ballet bar (with the half wall) and Toe touch

o   Sitting fix/Shoulder stretch

Life and Family (6.5 pts)

 

·         Soak Up The Sun (0.5 pt) –To help with anxiety, go outside and sit and think and feel for a few minutes. Also hopefully stops the bottling

·         NF Check in (.5 pts) – to keep me accountable and to prevent me from isolating myself too much.

·         Spend Time with Agents (1pt) – because they need me now as much as I need them.

·         Plan (1pt) –plans make people around here feel better, so at least need to try.

·         Bed by 11:30 (1pt) – sleep may be needed.  

·         One Good Thing (1pt) – Remind myself good things happen. Every day

·         Walk gardens daily (.5 pt) –I need to walk the gardens and harvest, and weed and check for anything looking off. Ideally it should be twice a day, but once a day is the goal. Then the weeds won’t get as bad if I pull as I go. And its steps.

·         Do Homework Daily(1 pt) – I am getting really bad about procrastinating my homework. This was before things went weird. Now I need to remember to do it. My sister was so proud I went back to school.  

Fighting Chaos (3 pts)

 

·         Clean off Counter over dishwasher (1pt) –It helps, its one little thing, but it helps. And the ants were better

·         Keep other surfaces clean (1pt) –Spots I have proven to myself that take no real time to keep clean and I feel better when it is and things run smoother. I need to clean it once a day

o   Peninsula and island in kitchen

o   Clean the table and half wall

o   Clean my desk off

o   Clean my bathroom sink

o   Clean downstairs bathroom sink

o   Clean off Long dresser

·         Spend 5 minutes in at least one room (1pt) –These are places that need decluttered/organized and while It won’t happen overnight, if I spend 5 minutes (or 2 or 20) a day, it will get done.

o   Our bathroom

o   Computer room

o   Basement

Keep Moving (2.5 pts)

 

·         Walk 10,500 Steps a day (1 pt) –

·         Walk 15 minutes a day (1 pt) –Just need to walk. At all.

·         Walk to Mordor (.5 pt) –UPDATE It daily (Prefer both on NF and my file, but at least my file).

Fuel (4 pts)

 

·         No eating after dinner (.5 pt) –Time to end the “well, before I go to bed” snacks. Or the “I didn’t eat so I should do something” snacks

·         No stupid sugar (.5 pt) –Cookies, brownies, ice cream candy are all becoming too common. Time to cut back.

·         Drink less than 3 bottles of tea (1 pt) –Too much tea because I didn’t have to think about it.

·         Drink 120 oz of water a day (1 pt) –I have had almost 0 water the last 5 days. I need to fix that.

·         Intake goals(1 pt) –Time to fix a few things.  Some are to fix a few things that I need

o   Eat Yogurt daily - Probiotic

o   Eat banana daily - Potassium

o   Eat Dried apricots daily - Potassium

o   Eat Breakfast

o   Eat Lunch

 

 

https://proof-builder.booster.com/proof/tzb0-00a3-u00f/04604/front/big_thumbnail.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Aww, Bean. I’m so sorry. <3 Sending hugs. If there’s anything I can do from the other side of the interwebs, please let me know.  

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22 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Aww, Bean. I’m so sorry. <3 Sending hugs. If there’s anything I can do from the other side of the interwebs, please let me know.  

 

Flea

 

How come I knew you would be THE first one in line to offer to help. thank you. right now I just feel saddness and pain. I honestly just wish I could shut down and cry. But not. happening now.  And I am more sad that more of our chosen family will note be at the services. I will be representing all of us, and I feel bad that people keep saying "I need to be there to support you" NO you need to be there for HER. This is about HER, not me.

and in all this, the new Kitten, Agent White has decided to help type. Not helping little one. Not helping.  (also reminded me to update the spoiler bit, I was using the one from last challenge. From before Agent Feline...

Okay, leaving before too many more tears.

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13 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

Flea

 

How come I knew you would be THE first one in line to offer to help. thank you. right now I just feel saddness and pain. I honestly just wish I could shut down and cry. But not. happening now.  And I am more sad that more of our chosen family will note be at the services. I will be representing all of us, and I feel bad that people keep saying "I need to be there to support you" NO you need to be there for HER. This is about HER, not me.

and in all this, the new Kitten, Agent White has decided to help type. Not helping little one. Not helping.  (also reminded me to update the spoiler bit, I was using the one from last challenge. From before Agent Feline...

Okay, leaving before too many more tears.

<33 I hope you find the time to cry and process your emotions. Remember though that even though the services are a time to remember and celebrate your sister, it's also a time for the people left behind to support and draw strength from each other. I don't mean to make assumptions, but from what you wrote about her it sounds like she wouldn't have a problem with the rest of your family being there just as much for you as they are for her. 

 

Reach out when you can. Definitely take time to take care of yourself however you can, and we're here to post cat gifs or listen to you vent when you're ready.

 

 tenor.gif?itemid=8656017

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*hugs*

 

Take the time you need to heal. And whatever doesn't get done, I'm sure everyone else will understand. 

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19 hours ago, fleaball said:

<33 I hope you find the time to cry and process your emotions. Remember though that even though the services are a time to remember and celebrate your sister, it's also a time for the people left behind to support and draw strength from each other. I don't mean to make assumptions, but from what you wrote about her it sounds like she wouldn't have a problem with the rest of your family being there just as much for you as they are for her. 

 

I am starting to process, but I keep forgetting shes gone. I think that I can call her and then I remember I can't. I will be the only one from our branch of chosen family going, I guess I am just worried people are going to think its about me and not her. I know that sounds... selfish maybe, but its my fear. Nothing has ever been about me, and even when it was, I was told it shouldn't be, so the idea of people being there for me, its seems wrong.

When my grandmother past, she dropped everything to be with me. She was always doing stuff like that. Oh, you have no where to go, live on my couch. Oh you have no food, here let me feed you every day. She would have been the first one holding people up. Even when her mom died of breast cancer, she was holding up her Aunts. So she would totally understand. But this is me doing the "Bean supports others, not gets supported"

 

19 hours ago, fleaball said:

Reach out when you can. Definitely take time to take care of yourself however you can, and we're here to post cat gifs or listen to you vent when you're ready.

 

I am slowly reaching out. I decided today I need to go back to the really basic stuff and make a list f things I did each day. So I tell myself I am doing something. it may not be much, but something. Although Cat gifs are always welcome.

Venting I am doing with the other sister who is checking on me repeatedly. She knows I will forget everything and just wallow, so the random text messages of "EAT SOMETHING" do help.

 

19 hours ago, fleaball said:

 tenor.gif?itemid=8656017

 

Youngest Agent saw this, went and grabbed Agent white nad made her hug me. LOL

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2 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

*hugs*

 

Take the time you need to heal. And whatever doesn't get done, I'm sure everyone else will understand. 

 

Thanks Zeroh,

I am trying to understand that its okay to not get everything done, but that whole "I have to do all the things" is hard.


Right now, I am trying to take things a small bit at a time.

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So Day 1 I guess (or 6/27/18)

 

Without really trying, I got about 5.9 pts out of my goals. Then again, I counted a brownie for breakfast, but I ate so calling that a win compared to the day before when I ate NOTHING. And sleep is still not really happening.

House is a mess and driving me a bit nuts, but I have no real desire to fix it. Even my little "Spots" are a complete mess and I still don't really care.  To explain how bad this is, I have been making my bed for YEARS now. It was something I started with like fly lady when Youngest Agent was like 3 (she 10). and after I got that ingrained, I have not slipped. No matter how bad my depression, no matter how out of it I was, My bed was made. Even when my grandma died, or I had my surgery on my mouth, the bed was still made.

The bed hasn't been made since Monday. I looked at it today, less than 5 minutes ago and said "I should make that" and I went "I don't feel like it" and I left it. I feel useless and at the same time, I just can't be convinced to care.

Doens't help that yesterday I tried to study. I did, I have homework due and I said "I need to start on this. Sister would want me to" so I tried. It took me an hour to read half a page. My brain kept skipping around the page. Even with my thumb as a marker, I couldn't focus like I needed to. Not with 37 pgs of reading to do. After talking with Hubby, I emailed my professor.  I asked what the consequences of me turning in my assignments for this week late would be due to the situation. I feel horrible. The type A Bean, the "Schoolwork is the most important" and "you don't get to make excuses" are all running rampant. Asking for this small bit of information (Not even asking for an extension when its not due till Sunday) has me feeling like a failure, like something is wrong with me because I can't just get it done.

now the instructor has already replied back that there is no consequences if I turn Assignments in late. He just doesn't want anyone falling behind. I did ask if this goes towards the quiz as well, but I still feel I have lost some of his respect.

I dunno, I just feel like I am letting everyone down. letting my sister down. And now I am bothering everyone with my BS, which is probably not true, but again, Trolls Blarg and Grog are running rampant.
 

Going to go support someone else, maybe try to do something.

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2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Going to go support someone else, maybe try to do something.

Sometimes doing this, large or small, is the absolute best thing. I hope it helped you, even if for just a few seconds.

 

Hugs.

 

15-cat-gifs-to-get-you-through-this-elec

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If you want me to stop replying to everything at any point, lmk. 

 

5 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I am starting to process, but I keep forgetting shes gone. I think that I can call her and then I remember I can't. I will be the only one from our branch of chosen family going, I guess I am just worried people are going to think its about me and not her. I know that sounds... selfish maybe, but its my fear. Nothing has ever been about me, and even when it was, I was told it shouldn't be, so the idea of people being there for me, its seems wrong.

When my grandmother past, she dropped everything to be with me. She was always doing stuff like that. Oh, you have no where to go, live on my couch. Oh you have no food, here let me feed you every day. She would have been the first one holding people up. Even when her mom died of breast cancer, she was holding up her Aunts. So she would totally understand. But this is me doing the "Bean supports others, not gets supported"

I know all of this stuff is deeply ingrained in you and my telling you it's gonna be okay isn't going to magically change anything, but I'm gonna keep telling you anyway because you need to hear it. Bean is allowed to get support from other people. And while I know it's different for everyone, at my mother's and all 3 grandparents' funerals, it seemed like a lot of people there were there only for themselves. They didn't really care about other people. Unless you show up in a clown suit and start doing the macarena, people probably won't pay much attention to what you're doing. And I mean this as "don't worry about what they're thinking of you," not "you don't matter." Because you do. 

 

Quote

I am slowly reaching out. I decided today I need to go back to the really basic stuff and make a list f things I did each day. So I tell myself I am doing something. it may not be much, but something. Although Cat gifs are always welcome.

Venting I am doing with the other sister who is checking on me repeatedly. She knows I will forget everything and just wallow, so the random text messages of "EAT SOMETHING" do help.

Good! Do a little bit if it will make you feel better without going crazy. Also give other sister a high five for me next time you see her. I'm glad someone's checking in on you better than we can. 

 

Quote

Youngest Agent saw this, went and grabbed Agent white nad made her hug me. LOL

Smart kid.

 

5 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So Day 1 I guess (or 6/27/18)

 

Without really trying, I got about 5.9 pts out of my goals. Then again, I counted a brownie for breakfast, but I ate so calling that a win compared to the day before when I ate NOTHING. And sleep is still not really happening.

House is a mess and driving me a bit nuts, but I have no real desire to fix it. Even my little "Spots" are a complete mess and I still don't really care.  To explain how bad this is, I have been making my bed for YEARS now. It was something I started with like fly lady when Youngest Agent was like 3 (she 10). and after I got that ingrained, I have not slipped. No matter how bad my depression, no matter how out of it I was, My bed was made. Even when my grandma died, or I had my surgery on my mouth, the bed was still made.

The bed hasn't been made since Monday. I looked at it today, less than 5 minutes ago and said "I should make that" and I went "I don't feel like it" and I left it. I feel useless and at the same time, I just can't be convinced to care.

I'm assuming the kids and Hubby knew her too and are also mourning her, but is it possible to ask them to pick up a teeny bit of the slack? Especially since school's out. Just pick up a few things every day and throw them away or put them back where they belong so that Mom can breathe for a minute. 

 

This isn't failure, Bean. This is depression and loss of someone super close to you who meant a lot, and it's normal. It's frustrating as hell because you want to do stuff and you can't, I know. But it's temporary. The loss is still new and you're still figuring out how to deal with it. You will find the energy to do all your stuff again. 

 

5 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Doens't help that yesterday I tried to study. I did, I have homework due and I said "I need to start on this. Sister would want me to" so I tried. It took me an hour to read half a page. My brain kept skipping around the page. Even with my thumb as a marker, I couldn't focus like I needed to. Not with 37 pgs of reading to do. After talking with Hubby, I emailed my professor.  I asked what the consequences of me turning in my assignments for this week late would be due to the situation. I feel horrible. The type A Bean, the "Schoolwork is the most important" and "you don't get to make excuses" are all running rampant. Asking for this small bit of information (Not even asking for an extension when its not due till Sunday) has me feeling like a failure, like something is wrong with me because I can't just get it done.

now the instructor has already replied back that there is no consequences if I turn Assignments in late. He just doesn't want anyone falling behind. I did ask if this goes towards the quiz as well, but I still feel I have lost some of his respect.

If anything, this probably got you more respect from your professor. They'd much rather people reach out and let them know when something's going on than wait until after the assignments are due and say "hey I couldn't get them done on time, what now?" Because in the latter situation the response is always "why didn't you tell me sooner?" 

 

I know this doesn't help fend off Type A Bean all by itself. Try telling her "thank you for keeping me on task, but I have permission to take longer to do this. The professor had this policy even before I asked him about it, so it's okay to take a little more time to do a better job on it." 

 

5 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I dunno, I just feel like I am letting everyone down. letting my sister down. And now I am bothering everyone with my BS, which is probably not true, but again, Trolls Blarg and Grog are running rampant.

Blargh and Grog are assholes and they always will be. You're not bothering anyone, I promise. But if it helps, you have blanket permission to bother me for any reason at any time. I have nothing to do for the next couple days so the worst thing you could interrupt me from is reading a fanfic I've already read 4 times. 

 

Can you steal a few minutes today to make yourself a cup of tea and sit with it in a quiet room? Or maybe put on a youtube video of relaxing music? (I use these all the time and find them helpful. There's Celtic music, the muzak they play at spas, random white noise, all kinds of stuff.) I hope there's a way you can put the world on pause for just a moment and try to find some peace. <3

 

One last thing: you keep saying your sister would want you to do X or would understand if you did or didn't do Y. Can you put yourself in her shoes to encourage yourself? Like talk to yourself as if you were her? If she'd be so understanding and encouraging, it's perfectly acceptable to imagine she's the one saying "Bean, it's okay not to make your bed right now and to put your homework off a little longer if you need to focus on something else. Please take care of yourself." If it's too weird or too hard, ignore me. :)

 

tumblr_nzwm5xmTbJ1v1vw2lo1_500.gif

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On 6/28/2018 at 12:58 PM, J3NN said:

Sometimes doing this, large or small, is the absolute best thing. I hope it helped you, even if for just a few seconds.

 

Thanks, I am trying, but I completely acknowledge that at this point, I am in a "just deal with this second" thing.

 

On 6/28/2018 at 12:58 PM, J3NN said:

Hugs.

 Thanks, I will take those right now.

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On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

If you want me to stop replying to everything at any point, lmk. 

 

Will do, right  now talking helps to a point. Mostly because of my screwy background, I am still trying to figure out what is normal, what is healthy nad what is just "WTF"

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

I know all of this stuff is deeply ingrained in you and my telling you it's gonna be okay isn't going to magically change anything, but I'm gonna keep telling you anyway because you need to hear it. Bean is allowed to get support from other people. And while I know it's different for everyone, at my mother's and all 3 grandparents' funerals, it seemed like a lot of people there were there only for themselves. They didn't really care about other people. Unless you show up in a clown suit and start doing the macarena, people probably won't pay much attention to what you're doing. And I mean this as "don't worry about what they're thinking of you," not "you don't matter." Because you do. 

 

Thank you. I am nervous since my family doesn't do funerals (we do a quick - talk about the person on a gurney under a sheet before the creamation) so this whole public thing is still a bit weird. And I should be able to get support, my CHOSEN family, the one this sister belong to, I am better about accepting it from. But too many people have told me that I am clingy, or don't understand people or whatever, so I would rather support others because at least then, I am "helpful' which I know we have talked about before.

and thank you for clarifying the last sentence. I had started to take ti the other way. (dumb Blarg)

 

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

Good! Do a little bit if it will make you feel better without going crazy. Also give other sister a high five for me next time you see her. I'm glad someone's checking in on you better than we can. 

 

She is checking in on me. She is the one who packed up her kid and drove 5 hours and stayed with me for 2 weeks after my grandma died. In many ways, I wish she could again, but I understand why she can't. Shes told me she was going to bug me for days until I was "sick" of her. I told her it was a lie. Shes also the one who talked me down when it seemed like the sitter we planned with for the funeral was going to do a "sorry, its inconvenient for me" moment.

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

Smart kid.

 

She really is. And shes a good second mommy sometimes. Almost too good.

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

I'm assuming the kids and Hubby knew her too and are also mourning her, but is it possible to ask them to pick up a teeny bit of the slack? Especially since school's out. Just pick up a few things every day and throw them away or put them back where they belong so that Mom can breathe for a minute. 

Yes, Hubby and the Agents are mourning as well. Hubby is in fix it mode, but hes less worried about the house and more worried about fixing me. He has picked up a good chunk of slack,but its been somethings that no one has really seen but me. Agents are helping, but again, its nothing any of us are actually seeing until its like "Oh, we have a ton of crude out" then its overwhelming to deal with and just easier not to. we are digging out, but it would be a 20 minute job or so if I could just convince myself to do it because I just can't seem to do it.

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

This isn't failure, Bean. This is depression and loss of someone super close to you who meant a lot, and it's normal. It's frustrating as hell because you want to do stuff and you can't, I know. But it's temporary. The loss is still new and you're still figuring out how to deal with it. You will find the energy to do all your stuff again. 

 

I hope your right here. I know eventually it will get better, but right now, I just feel like its so empty without her. And I should do stuff, but why. why worry about the crap on the table. And I have a history with depression, and I know how bad I can get, and the fear of that spiral makes me worse. It makes me go "Great, then what happens when I hit that bottom I have hit before that is a really bad place.

 

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

If anything, this probably got you more respect from your professor. They'd much rather people reach out and let them know when something's going on than wait until after the assignments are due and say "hey I couldn't get them done on time, what now?" Because in the latter situation the response is always "why didn't you tell me sooner?" 

 

I hope so, I know the instructors I work with think this way, but it is always that "I can't let people down" and "I am dumb so I need to work 100x harder than everyone else to try and not be" And that is years of talking to someone someday in the future to fix.

 

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

I know this doesn't help fend off Type A Bean all by itself. Try telling her "thank you for keeping me on task, but I have permission to take longer to do this. The professor had this policy even before I asked him about it, so it's okay to take a little more time to do a better job on it." 

 

I have been doing the fending off. Mostly because I was reading and couldn't get words to work at all. It took me over an hour to read 1/2 a page. Today its gone better, but it is still a "Hey look, something unrelated that could distract me" (Like NF right now)

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

 

Blargh and Grog are assholes and they always will be. You're not bothering anyone, I promise. But if it helps, you have blanket permission to bother me for any reason at any time. I have nothing to do for the next couple days so the worst thing you could interrupt me from is reading a fanfic I've already read 4 times. 

 

*hugs* thank you flea. I know you mean that and I may bug you one day. But I also hate to bother people and thats another thing. But I have done it before so we will see how it goes.

 

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

Can you steal a few minutes today to make yourself a cup of tea and sit with it in a quiet room? Or maybe put on a youtube video of relaxing music? (I use these all the time and find them helpful. There's Celtic music, the muzak they play at spas, random white noise, all kinds of stuff.) I hope there's a way you can put the world on pause for just a moment and try to find some peace. <3

 

The soak up the sun one helps with this some. however, its also a way to talk to Hubby and right now vent and cry. I am trying to pause the world, but too much is not getting done and the anxiety gets dumb and then I feel worse. Again, gotta get the anxiety under control

 

On 6/28/2018 at 3:50 PM, fleaball said:

One last thing: you keep saying your sister would want you to do X or would understand if you did or didn't do Y. Can you put yourself in her shoes to encourage yourself? Like talk to yourself as if you were her? If she'd be so understanding and encouraging, it's perfectly acceptable to imagine she's the one saying "Bean, it's okay not to make your bed right now and to put your homework off a little longer if you need to focus on something else. Please take care of yourself." If it's too weird or too hard, ignore me. :)

 

tumblr_nzwm5xmTbJ1v1vw2lo1_500.gif


This make sense. I could totally see Sister M telling me that. Then again, she would probably be more like "What are you doing Bean.  Take the minute, Deal with this, then do that. But Don't just not do anything at all cause that is dumb." M was so proud one day when I was venting about someone getting in my head saying I should take control of this thing that isn't mine to worry over and I said to her "I mean its not fair, I can't control everything so I am trying to focus on what I can control." M looked at me and said "I have been trying to get you to say that for 15 years. I am so proud."

Just wishing I could do that right now with the pain, the hurt the loss. I still miss her so much.

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2 hours ago, Wolfen said:

Looks awesome. I'm always a fan of your point systems. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

Thanks. I know they can get a bit convoluted, but sometimes it helps to go "Okay, todays goal to get a 50%." Granted  normally I want a 100% but thats another thing.

Right now, only help I need is people reminding me its okay to not be that 100%  person, and just focus on making it one more day. Grief sucks

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Quick Update since Youngest Agent seems to refuse bed without me.

Yesterday I did better since numbers don't lie. I got a 6.3 and made my bed. I know the last part sounds dumb, and it took me 3 different trips to the bedroom, but its progress right.

big thing today and yesterday. How hard is it to get the sitter you put on notice you would need her for a FUNERAL to actually do it. It was HOURS of planning and talking and shes still not happy about it, but shes going to do it. All I can think "I lost a huge part of my life, and you are acting like this is someone I barely knew?"  I broke down on the speakerphone call with her twice. And the "Hang in there" at the end pissed me off. Don't tell me its going to be okay. I don't want that. I need people willing to go "Yeah, life sucks. I got it. Lets let it suck together" I honestly almost called the guy with the 8 day old to watch the Agents. And if she gives me this whole "I didn't bring stuff to stay the night, so I need you home by" I may slug her

I dunno. Today is going worse. Mostly because dealing with that whole mess has me so mad, so frustrated, and so preoccupied.

Also noticed my panic attacks are starting to come back. Last time I had some was when my grandma was dying/died. so far, fairly small, just fluttery heart, twichy, nerves. but I need to watch them before they become the big "And there is a panic bean crying on the floor and worrying about everything"

 

Tomorrow is the funeral. Not looking forward to it. Anxiety is already a bit high and with babysitting issues, worried it will be worse. But at this moment, nothing I can do but go "Okay, we have clothes (today was figuring them out), we will get a shower in the AM, and then the next step. Just focus on one step

Time to put an Agent to bed. Night all

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You're probably at the funeral already but I hope it's going better than you expected and you're able to mourn a little while you're there.

 

Regarding all the other stuff, I know it's hard to see things that need to be done and not be able to do them, but please consider that you are genuinely not able to do them. Just like a person with a broken leg is not able to run, and wouldn't be judged for that, a person with a broken heart is not be able to go about their daily life the way they used to. I know it's hard for you, but please try to treat yourself gently and cut yourself some slack. You're in mourning, and you might be in mourning for a lot longer than you're expecting now. But that said, you're also doing an amazing job at getting back on track, and I'm really proud of you. 

 

I echo Flea's invitation, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I know that in these situations, most people won't ask (or even know what to ask for), so it's better to just bust in and start helping, but being halfway around the world I'm not sure what I can do besides lending an ear and offering some encouragement. I can at least use time zones to my advantage and say if you're ever feeling the need for a nocturnal venting session, I'll probably be awake. So hit me up, Bean!

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On 6/29/2018 at 7:53 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

And the "Hang in there" at the end pissed me off. Don't tell me its going to be okay. I don't want that. I need people willing to go "Yeah, life sucks. I got it. Lets let it suck together"

Sometimes you just need someone (even if it's a random internet stranger) to give you permission to have a bad day/week/period... Life does suck. I give you permission to feel that way, to get mad, to get sad, to check out, to scream into your pillow, to cry into Agent fur's fur, to do whatever it is you want and need to do. We can all have a life sucks party together and comfort you, and ourselves, and slowly we'll see life sucking a little bit less. The sunshine will help. The snuggles will help. The baby steps will help. Here's to you Bean, let's let life suck together.

d882c4fdf4c2248f7fbdb1d7d11ef2c1.png

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giphy.gif 

 

I hope Saturday went as well as it could for you Bean. <3 Plus everything Wobbegong and J3NN said. 

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

Will do, right  now talking helps to a point. Mostly because of my screwy background, I am still trying to figure out what is normal, what is healthy nad what is just "WTF"

You can count on us to tell you when things are WTF! 

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

Thank you. I am nervous since my family doesn't do funerals (we do a quick - talk about the person on a gurney under a sheet before the creamation) so this whole public thing is still a bit weird. And I should be able to get support, my CHOSEN family, the one this sister belong to, I am better about accepting it from. But too many people have told me that I am clingy, or don't understand people or whatever, so I would rather support others because at least then, I am "helpful' which I know we have talked about before.

and thank you for clarifying the last sentence. I had started to take ti the other way. (dumb Blarg)

Blarg is a dick! 

 

The only funerals I've been to are my family's Catholic services and man, they're weird and awkward as fuck. I don't blame you for being nervous, because there's so much ridiculousness around death and what you should(n't) do or say or feel and there are so many variables, and meh. Anyway, I hope you got to celebrate and honor your sister without too much bullshit from other people. 

 

IF you are clingy, and IF you don't understand people, it's not your fault. Given your history I wouldn't be surprised if you missed a bunch of "how to human" lessons. I did too, so you're in good company. :) But I say "if" because sometimes people just say shitty things. Also different people have different standards/preferences/whatever, so maybe those people find you clingy but someone else thinks you're totally appropriate with... whatever it is that's clingy? Like that could mean so many things I don't even know how to dissect it but tl;dr those people suck.

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

She is checking in on me. She is the one who packed up her kid and drove 5 hours and stayed with me for 2 weeks after my grandma died. In many ways, I wish she could again, but I understand why she can't. Shes told me she was going to bug me for days until I was "sick" of her. I told her it was a lie. Shes also the one who talked me down when it seemed like the sitter we planned with for the funeral was going to do a "sorry, its inconvenient for me" moment.

Super glad you have her.

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

Yes, Hubby and the Agents are mourning as well. Hubby is in fix it mode, but hes less worried about the house and more worried about fixing me. He has picked up a good chunk of slack,but its been somethings that no one has really seen but me. Agents are helping, but again, its nothing any of us are actually seeing until its like "Oh, we have a ton of crude out" then its overwhelming to deal with and just easier not to. we are digging out, but it would be a 20 minute job or so if I could just convince myself to do it because I just can't seem to do it.

You'll get there. I know it's shitty and the clutter is stressful and doesn't help, but you'll dig out soon enough. A few things here or there will add up and you'll eventually get back to normal.

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

I hope your right here. I know eventually it will get better, but right now, I just feel like its so empty without her. And I should do stuff, but why. why worry about the crap on the table. And I have a history with depression, and I know how bad I can get, and the fear of that spiral makes me worse. It makes me go "Great, then what happens when I hit that bottom I have hit before that is a really bad place.

So there's not really much I can say here beyond "fuck depression." But we'll be here to tell you depression is lying to you, and tell you that you're awesome, and remind you that you're doing well even when you can't see it, and post cat gifs when you're having a shitty day. 

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

I hope so, I know the instructors I work with think this way, but it is always that "I can't let people down" and "I am dumb so I need to work 100x harder than everyone else to try and not be" And that is years of talking to someone someday in the future to fix.

I hear you. It's not easy. I'm going to repeat that taking a bit longer on your homework isn't letting your prof down, and you're totally not dumb. I know it won't fix anything, but it won't hurt to hear it again. :)

 

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

*hugs* thank you flea. I know you mean that and I may bug you one day. But I also hate to bother people and thats another thing. But I have done it before so we will see how it goes.

<3

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:43 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

This make sense. I could totally see Sister M telling me that. Then again, she would probably be more like "What are you doing Bean.  Take the minute, Deal with this, then do that. But Don't just not do anything at all cause that is dumb." M was so proud one day when I was venting about someone getting in my head saying I should take control of this thing that isn't mine to worry over and I said to her "I mean its not fair, I can't control everything so I am trying to focus on what I can control." M looked at me and said "I have been trying to get you to say that for 15 years. I am so proud."

Just wishing I could do that right now with the pain, the hurt the loss. I still miss her so much.

I mean, you can still vent to her. Write her a letter, take a walk and think out loud (pretend you're on the phone if it's too weird), maybe just imagine a conversation with her. I've had a bunch of conversations with my mother in the car, just talking out loud and saying whatever was on my mind. 

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:45 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

 

Thanks. I know they can get a bit convoluted, but sometimes it helps to go "Okay, todays goal to get a 50%." Granted  normally I want a 100% but thats another thing.

Right now, only help I need is people reminding me its okay to not be that 100%  person, and just focus on making it one more day. Grief sucks

One day at a time is a-ok!

 

On 6/29/2018 at 10:53 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

Quick Update since Youngest Agent seems to refuse bed without me.

Yesterday I did better since numbers don't lie. I got a 6.3 and made my bed. I know the last part sounds dumb, and it took me 3 different trips to the bedroom, but its progress right.

big thing today and yesterday. How hard is it to get the sitter you put on notice you would need her for a FUNERAL to actually do it. It was HOURS of planning and talking and shes still not happy about it, but shes going to do it. All I can think "I lost a huge part of my life, and you are acting like this is someone I barely knew?"  I broke down on the speakerphone call with her twice. And the "Hang in there" at the end pissed me off. Don't tell me its going to be okay. I don't want that. I need people willing to go "Yeah, life sucks. I got it. Lets let it suck together" I honestly almost called the guy with the 8 day old to watch the Agents. And if she gives me this whole "I didn't bring stuff to stay the night, so I need you home by" I may slug her

I dunno. Today is going worse. Mostly because dealing with that whole mess has me so mad, so frustrated, and so preoccupied.

Also noticed my panic attacks are starting to come back. Last time I had some was when my grandma was dying/died. so far, fairly small, just fluttery heart, twichy, nerves. but I need to watch them before they become the big "And there is a panic bean crying on the floor and worrying about everything"

 

Tomorrow is the funeral. Not looking forward to it. Anxiety is already a bit high and with babysitting issues, worried it will be worse. But at this moment, nothing I can do but go "Okay, we have clothes (today was figuring them out), we will get a shower in the AM, and then the next step. Just focus on one step

Time to put an Agent to bed. Night all

HOORAAAAAAAY FOR MAKING THE BED! That's an accomplishment! 

 

I'm really mad at your sitter. I really hope that she didn't cause any more problems. 

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On 6/30/2018 at 5:40 PM, Wobbegong said:

You're probably at the funeral already but I hope it's going better than you expected and you're able to mourn a little while you're there.

Yes, I was at the funeral for this, or at least the after funeral thing. It helped and didnt but I am glad I went.

 

On 6/30/2018 at 5:40 PM, Wobbegong said:

Regarding all the other stuff, I know it's hard to see things that need to be done and not be able to do them, but please consider that you are genuinely not able to do them. Just like a person with a broken leg is not able to run, and wouldn't be judged for that, a person with a broken heart is not be able to go about their daily life the way they used to. I know it's hard for you, but please try to treat yourself gently and cut yourself some slack. You're in mourning, and you might be in mourning for a lot longer than you're expecting now. But that said, you're also doing an amazing job at getting back on track, and I'm really proud of you. 

 

Thank you for this anaology. Honestly, I never thought of it like that. I am slowly trying to get back to where I need to be, but really, I just don't wanna. I honestly would love to be a bum on the couch or sleep or do nothing, but I am trying. I guess I am in that "fake it until you make it" or "fake being able to until I am"

 

On 6/30/2018 at 5:40 PM, Wobbegong said:

I echo Flea's invitation, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I know that in these situations, most people won't ask (or even know what to ask for), so it's better to just bust in and start helping, but being halfway around the world I'm not sure what I can do besides lending an ear and offering some encouragement. I can at least use time zones to my advantage and say if you're ever feeling the need for a nocturnal venting session, I'll probably be awake. So hit me up, Bean!

 

*hugs* You are doing fine. I am stuck in guilt for a million things I probably did nothing wrong with, some I amy have and feeling like I am being the center when it shouldn't be me. I will let you know if I need to talk, so thank you. Your a great friend.

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21 hours ago, J3NN said:

Sometimes you just need someone (even if it's a random internet stranger) to give you permission to have a bad day/week/period... Life does suck. I give you permission to feel that way, to get mad, to get sad, to check out, to scream into your pillow, to cry into Agent fur's fur, to do whatever it is you want and need to do. We can all have a life sucks party together and comfort you, and ourselves, and slowly we'll see life sucking a little bit less. The sunshine will help. The snuggles will help. The baby steps will help. Here's to you Bean, let's let life suck together.

 

Thank you. So many people are "Oh it will get better" or "shes at peace" or whatever. I am glad she doesn't hurt, but it doesn't make the fact she is gone better. It makes it one more thing that I lost. One more person I will never be able to hug, never talk to again. She was so realistic but always saw good. It might be "Life sucks right now, but I will see good eventually". And the day fo the funeral I came home to the Agents still awake (they weren't suppose to be) and Agent yougnest started crying (More tired than anything, but she said it was her aunt dying) and she said something to me that hurt but I understood. She said "I thought after I knew the funeral was done, it wouldn't hurt" I hugged her and said "no baby, its going to hurt for awhile. And I won't promise tomorrow will be back to normal, but if you cry 2 less tears than the day before, its getting better. And eventually, sometime, you will realize you only smile and don't cry when you think about her."

Now if I could remember that, maybe I would be better.

 

 

21 hours ago, J3NN said:

d882c4fdf4c2248f7fbdb1d7d11ef2c1.png

 

So funny story they told at the funeral. My sister, was religious. And while she knew she was not to convert the world, she was a great christian. However, the funeral seemed to focus on the christian side, one I saw less of because well, she knew that belonged there, and then there were other times. Apparently the pastor (whoever it was) told the story of one day, my sister walked in and said "I need to talk to you, but I don't want to hear that things happen for a reason, that god won't give me more than I can handle. I just want to talk to someone about my fight with cancer and how its not going to end well." She  was a realist if nothing else. She loved god, but knew life could just suck.

 

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

giphy.gif 

 

I hope Saturday went as well as it could for you Bean. <3 Plus everything Wobbegong and J3NN said. 

 

It went okay. I am glad I went, but it sucked and I don't want to do it again.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

You can count on us to tell you when things are WTF! 

 

Thanks because I know my anxiety is crazy nad I need to get out of my head, I just don't know how.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Blarg is a dick! 

 

And a loud mouth

 

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

The only funerals I've been to are my family's Catholic services and man, they're weird and awkward as fuck. I don't blame you for being nervous, because there's so much ridiculousness around death and what you should(n't) do or say or feel and there are so many variables, and meh. Anyway, I hope you got to celebrate and honor your sister without too much bullshit from other people. 

 

I think my sister planned this one for her "non-religous" family. It was more her fathers way of saying goodbye (He is a pastor) but her husband was so non-religous. It had songs but it wasn't the "And we sang this 3000 years ago" and I could tune out the god stuff and focus on the messages. It allowed her family what they needed, but this family the chosen family didn't feel out of place. And my sister had a large chosen family.  And I got to be closer with her daughter (who is only 4 years younger than her mom) and we are going to stay in contact, like her mom always wanted us to be. So in the end, I walked away with a new friend, even if shes not my sister.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

IF you are clingy, and IF you don't understand people, it's not your fault. Given your history I wouldn't be surprised if you missed a bunch of "how to human" lessons. I did too, so you're in good company. :) But I say "if" because sometimes people just say shitty things. Also different people have different standards/preferences/whatever, so maybe those people find you clingy but someone else thinks you're totally appropriate with... whatever it is that's clingy? Like that could mean so many things I don't even know how to dissect it but tl;dr those people suck.

 

I dunno, I know we have talked before about how I use to be too friendly (and care too easily) and now I am afraid to care because people threw it back at me and told me to go away. Sometimes I wonder if I am like Agent Eldest and on the spectrum, or maybe its just the things that have happened to me that make me unsure. I dunno.  Ijust know I keep wondering "did I overstep something" or "Did I not do enough" Its something I will have to work through, for her and for the funeral.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Super glad you have her.

 

She is great and she really does care about me. She may have gotten a few panic attack phone calls before and can walk me through, Mostly since shes the one that helped me realize I have anxiety. I always just thought it was just depression. Shes also going to be straight with me about well, everything.

 

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

You'll get there. I know it's shitty and the clutter is stressful and doesn't help, but you'll dig out soon enough. A few things here or there will add up and you'll eventually get back to normal.

 

Here is to hoping.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

So there's not really much I can say here beyond "fuck depression." But we'll be here to tell you depression is lying to you, and tell you that you're awesome, and remind you that you're doing well even when you can't see it, and post cat gifs when you're having a shitty day. 

 

Thanks, strangely the depression isn't the worst right now. Its mostly the anxiety of "what do I do when" and "did I not do enough for her" "did I upset her husband when I said" and then just real sadness, but I know the depression isn't far, and that's how I get into the "oh who cares" moments about well, everything.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

I hear you. It's not easy. I'm going to repeat that taking a bit longer on your homework isn't letting your prof down, and you're totally not dumb. I know it won't fix anything, but it won't hurt to hear it again. :)

 

Thanks, I ended up getting it done, last minute, but mostly since I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't sleep last night playing over the "well, what if I am wrong" and yeah. Brain is dumb.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

<3

 

I mean, you can still vent to her. Write her a letter, take a walk and think out loud (pretend you're on the phone if it's too weird), maybe just imagine a conversation with her. I've had a bunch of conversations with my mother in the car, just talking out loud and saying whatever was on my mind. 

 

I do a bit. My niece and I talked about how we both thought about her and went to text her. So we text each other as a "we aren't crazy, its the 3 of us talking" now. so that helps some. I just miss her face, and am sad I don't have a good picture of her. Because I always thought I had more time...

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

One day at a time is a-ok!

 

HOORAAAAAAAY FOR MAKING THE BED! That's an accomplishment! 

 

Thats what I am going for. the chaos is trying to come back full force and I just don't wanna. But beds been made every day since. Mostly Hubby helping but its getting done and thigns are getting better. not great, but we are trying to get back to cleaning up as we go some.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm really mad at your sitter. I really hope that she didn't cause any more problems. 

 

Ugh, after all the BS about how she wasn't sure she would be here on time, showed up an hour and a half early (I was shaving). Then blows off our plan and says for us to go once we were ready. I asked for a bedtime nad we came home about 45 minutes after (partially since I knew I couldn't handle Agents. I was done. I walked in, grunted a high and hid) and the Agents were up and next thing I know, I am dealing with a very upset overtired agent and trying to be calm and reassured when I had nothing left. I dunno. I was just like "did you listen to anything we said?"

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So general update.

Funeral went okay. I was really able to bond with my niece and we are going to stay in touch. Shes only 5 years younger than me, but she misses her "adopted" mom so I won't fill that place, but I can be the cool aunt, and she reminds me so much of her mom. we have talked some since the funeral, and hopefully I did come home with a friend. And I only had one minor panic attack when we walked into the restaurant after the funeral and there was no one I knew to sit with and no chairs at all. My niece came over and started braiding my hair (which was actually down) and saying I was overheated and calmed me down. So yeah, one small panic attack when I even ended up in the receiving line.  And her husband's first words to me were "How are you holding up" and if Hubby was taking care of me.  Hes a great guy and I just wish they had had more time together.

In non-tear inducing talk... Goals are going okay. Friday I had 5.2 pts and Sunday 5.1. I didn't do any counting saturday due to the funeral. I did managed to get my homework done with like an hour to spare on sunday night so I am not behind. I don't feel like I am really getting very far but I am trying to just focus on getting what I need to done each day. The chaos of the world around me is no longer stopping (I go back to work today, and I already have emails saying things are a mess) but I am hoping to just get through each day.

 

I am starting to try and do the week of 5 pts a day. we will see how this goes. Right now, its just do whats in front of me. Then the next step.

Hoping to play catch up later with people. I feel kinda bad I got behind here. Next I think is go get hair clips since Youngest Agent stole them all.

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OKay, 2 things today


A) yesterday went well. Total points was 6.5 out of 5 and I did some stretches and a few like cleaning things. I did try to clean the table but we must of brought home 30 lbs of zuchinin from the school garden yesterday and it landed on the table. I have no idea what I am going to do with it all. Some is bigger than Hubby's forearm.  I felt slightly better yesterday, and I thought I could get somewhere with everything. But generally, it just felt better to closer to me.  It was my first day back to work since Sister M's death, and the place was a mess. My boss "covered" for me which meant did my job about half way and then said "eh, I will leave it for her to clean up" so everything there is a giant mess. I literally had a panic attack about trying to get it sorted and how do I do it all when I have Youngest Agent coming because she can't say with Hubby and its not good. I am not looking forward to going back in today, but I am slowly digging myself out. But until work< I was feeling better.

B) today I woke up with this huge hole in my heart I guess.  I just woke up and didn't want to move, didn't want to get going. I miss Sister M terribly and while I managed to get going, I think the fact that Youngest Agent is leaving for 3 days (starting today) isn't helping. I wasn't happy about her being gone for the holiday to begin with, but now I am more upset because I really feel like its one more thing that will be missing. I get moving and check my email nad I have a mass email from Sister M's husband. Its basically a "Shes been gone for a week, I promised not to be a hermit, but I am hurting and I don't want to go home but I have run out of "things" that need done. But if you ask me, I will lie and say I am fine"  I started crying. Not just for her, but for him. So now I am sitting here, not wanting to do anything at all. I have puled some weeds, I have tried not to cry, I got a coat of paint on the bakers rack, but I am also not helping Youngest Agent pack.

I dunno, I need to do stuff today, but I don't really wanna. MIL is coming to pick up Agent and I should clean, but again, don't wanna.

I sound like some dumb kid with the "I don't wanna, you can't make me"s.  I need to just grow up and do something.

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5 points a day is a great goal!

 

I vote you make all the zucchini bread! It freezes, right? (Maybe freeze it all into solid bricks to brain your shitty coworkers with ugh.)

 

So with Youngest gone for a few days, obviously the time isn't great because of your recent loss, but can you reframe it a little bit and see it as an opportunity? So you know she's being taken care of somewhere and now you have a little more breathing room because there's one less person at home that needs your attention so you can take a few extra minutes for yourself, whether that means some downtime or homework or decluttering a little more. I'm not saying you have to be happy she's gone, but there can be advantages to shitty things too.  

 

9 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I sound like some dumb kid with the "I don't wanna, you can't make me"s.  I need to just grow up and do something.

Nope nope nope. Do stuff that needs doing, do stuff that you want to do, but you're struggling with depression and a very fresh loss. You're not being a child. You're having an actual rough time. Please don't beat yourself up over all of this. 

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