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Bean Sidhe

Bean Si Vs Chaos - Bean Si honors and remembers

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On 7/11/2018 at 5:36 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

And now you have found the point at which the bottle fills up and can hold no more. I know me saying it here isn't going to undo years of growing up that way, but emotions are neither bad nor good. They simply are. You are not wrong for having them. They were wrong for not teaching you how to live with them. You are probably today-years-old overdue for a big long ugly cry.

 

Oh the big ugly cry happens more often than you probably think. I am trying to deal, btu right now, I just want to yell and scream and ask why things can't be simple. Why I can't have a decent couple of days without people being dumb and why The world has to pick on us. Why can't I just figure out what is going on without one more BS thing.
 

 

On 7/12/2018 at 5:01 AM, Siferiax said:

I'm a bit late here and I'm bad with reading all the things... so I'm just gonna offer some hugs!

 

*hugs* thanks. I am here nad don't worry about reading it all. I understand if people just pop in occasionally, read the last thing or 2. Life happens.

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Okay update times

Weds went okay. Mostly lots of stress with the family member. They didn't respond until late Weds night with a "well, when can I take the Agents" with no real answers. I had ot decide. I had to sort out when they could go, but in a one week span since she didn't know what she was doing after that. I got my 10.5 out of 10 that day, but it was so much stupid. I am still not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. I forced myself to get my 10, but I didnt want to. Also found out a dog that has been really upset with my dog ever being outside (lives 2 yards away and barks the entire time we are outside) has been deemed aggressive by the county for attacking another dog. The county suggests we carry pepper spray in case the dog gets loose (which it does) and we should call them.  No, I won't worry about my kids walking the neighborhood or anything now.

Good thing for the day: Nice long chat with friendly neighbor. Miss talking to them more. Time with Agents: Dr Horrible sing along with Youngest. Because Brand New day is a thing.

Thurs was rough. Youngest had to go to the dr. The thing we think is a wart may not be. we are trying to freeze it off, but may need a specialist if this doesn't work. of course. After was a good unwind at the bookstore and a few other things, but Youngest Agent and  I didn't get lunch due to 100 things until almost 3. I really didn't want to do goals and was so tired since sleep still isn't a thing. Hubby helped me make sure to get my points for the day since he knew it would bug me not to.  I still didn't sleep last night, (go to bed at 9, fall asleep at 2). but at least I tried. One good thing: Hubby trying to get me to bed. Agent time Bookstore cookies and tea.  Still working on getting a plan for Agents to go to relatives (Because direct questions get an "Well, what do you want, " then "well that doesn't work" ) And I called my hair lady nad shes going to help me do a bit of change to my hair for Sister M. I am going to use her colors only in my hair next time.

 

Emotionally, I feel on edge. Everything is so hard, so Tiring. I dunno. Its hard to explain. I just want things to be easy, to not be a fight to sort out. Just "hey, lets have things coast for a bit>" But at the same time, I would I trust its not a trap???

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I know you're exhausted right now and it doesn't feel like this is true, but you're doing really well, Bean. I know your programming won't let you not do a lot of the things you're doing, but doing all your ridiculous day to day stuff plus still pushing to get all your points is a lot to handle and you're succeeding. I hope you can find some time to relax and recharge so you don't burn out though. <3

 

f898a4a3190b7a5a7ea2d2801cafb4f2.gif

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20 hours ago, fleaball said:

I know you're exhausted right now and it doesn't feel like this is true, but you're doing really well, Bean. I know your programming won't let you not do a lot of the things you're doing, but doing all your ridiculous day to day stuff plus still pushing to get all your points is a lot to handle and you're succeeding. I hope you can find some time to relax and recharge so you don't burn out though. <3

 

Thank you for saying this Flea. Your right, I currently sit here going "Man, am I a mess. I don't have my stuff together, things are falling apart around me." I constantly think I should do more, even when my life isn't this mess of missing people, when i feel a huge upheaval that they aren't there anymore. People I knew I could lean on, that I can't anymore.

I guess part of it is that I started quoting Bruce banner the other day. I was upset and Agent Eldest (who emotions can be a bit much for) asked if I was okay. I said "no, but I am trying to just move forward, And maybe that is my secret. I am always sad."  Maybe a dumb way to think, but I am doing something.

 

20 hours ago, fleaball said:

f898a4a3190b7a5a7ea2d2801cafb4f2.gif

 

Funny true story. My parents got a puppy when Youngest Agent was little, lets say 4. They taught the Puppy to target  (touch his nose to your hand). Youngest Agent decided it would be fun to do this, and if you put out a hand for a high five, she would run her nose, then later her forehead into it. Still does occasionally. Its great when she does it to someone (like a grandparent) that doesn't handle it well. 

 

 

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So quick update for Friday


Friday was a mess. I finally slept, some kinda, but overslept and then agents decided being functional alone was not a thing. Work was a bigger mess than usual and I ended up not getting lunch till after work at 3. Then errands were run. Homework was done  (but not finished) and I ended up not really caring much. Then we are sitting on the couch and I told Hubby I should get my points for the day. He made me get up and do them. Not only that, but together, we managed to make sure I got my highest number of points in a day of 12 pts when I was aiming for 10. I didn't sleep that night, but I at least got something to be kinda happy about. One good thing for Friday - my homework is in better shape than I thought. Agent time was watching battlebots because robots fighting and kids going "Can I build that one?" (we are going to start with the mouse droid from Star wars).

 

This may be me in a few months on a bad morning.

 

https://media.giphy.com/media/BvJSaj6vliCze/giphy.gif

 

 

(Stupid gif won't load right).

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That is cool the hubby got you going on those points, and great job getting them done. No easy feat when you have had that kind of day.

 

My youngest is into battlebots too. When Toys R Us was closing, we bought one. I think it is this one https://www.target.com/p/hexbug-vex-battlebots-minotaur/-/A-52131755

 

Haven't messed with it yet, so I can't say if it is cool or not. :) We were waiting till we we more moved in.

 

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2 hours ago, Tateman said:

That is cool the hubby got you going on those points, and great job getting them done. No easy feat when you have had that kind of day.

 

I will say, Hubby knows that getting the world back under "control" (I use the world sparingly) will help. It will also help when I feel more incontrol by getting my points, so hes willing to be the jerk and either make me do it or help me do it. So like the cleaning ones, he will jump in and help with them first.

 

2 hours ago, Tateman said:

My youngest is into battlebots too. When Toys R Us was closing, we bought one. I think it is this one https://www.target.com/p/hexbug-vex-battlebots-minotaur/-/A-52131755

 

Youngest Agent LOVES them. She has that one and she is working on Tombstone now. The Vex kits are great. Shes built a few of them now (Family is generous and this has been her thing for awhile now).  They are generally fairly easy to put together but can need some adult assistance when something doesn't line up right.

 

2 hours ago, Tateman said:

Haven't messed with it yet, so I can't say if it is cool or not. :) We were waiting till we we more moved in.

 

 

Good luck with it. They are a ton of fun.

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Okay so update time:

 

Saturday went okay. I got everything done and was doing okay. I still wasn't sleeping well, but I managed to get a good chunk of homework done. I did 11/10 pts. Hubby and I also went out and saw Antman and Wasp and I loved it, until the feels at the very very end. Damn you Marvel. I didn't get time iwth the Agents that day because homework and they had things to get done. However, the one good thing was Date Night.

 

Sunday was long mostly because I still wasn't sleeping. We also had a family dinner which sadly left me in the "and I am horrible person" state due to comments made. And  no one asked how I was holding up with Sister M or even mentioned her or it. However, I did get told I am useless without Hubby and that I am silly for trying to be healthy, so that was fun. All of this made the afternoon harder since I had some crap to deal with, but I got my homework done early, cuddles with the sleep deprived Agents (both had sleepovers, which means they didn't sleep). I even had a chance to play some Stardew Valley and relax before going to bed. (and I slept better). One good thing: Homework was done early. Time with Agents: Cuddles before bed with tired Agents who needed a pillow.

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Your family is full of absolute shit. I hope you realize that. They're toxic people and even though you don't feel like you can avoid them right now, you certainly don't have to listen to them. What they said is super wrong and they're probably just mad that you're better than them despite their constant tearing you down. *hugs*

 

In other news, I know you don't like pills and stuff, but what about a non habit forming sleep aid? Or a sleepytime tea or something? Just to help your brain shut up for a bit until you can get back to normal?

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14 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Your family is full of absolute shit. I hope you realize that. They're toxic people and even though you don't feel like you can avoid them right now, you certainly don't have to listen to them. What they said is super wrong and they're probably just mad that you're better than them despite their constant tearing you down. *hugs*

 

It took some thinking, but I think part of the problem is that the head of the family has control issues (Shocker) and as such, their life is out of control, so lets make everyone more dependant on them so they can feel good about themselves. However, I think I may be doing better than they did and they can't handle it. So instead, lets make sure I have no confidence and tear me down. I know they do it. And while its been better before, now its getting worse because their life is out of control. I know its wrong, and while I try ot deal with it. It still hurts and it still makes me question me. Because what if they are right? What if I am not worth it? And then yeah, now I Am 16 and worthless and not something I need right now. But remember, Grief isn't a thing. we just act like we never knew them.

 

14 minutes ago, fleaball said:

In other news, I know you don't like pills and stuff, but what about a non habit forming sleep aid? Or a sleepytime tea or something? Just to help your brain shut up for a bit until you can get back to normal?

 

Thanks. Actually, a few years ago, my other chosen Sister (Sister B) created a sleepy herbal tea for me. Its got chamomile, yarrow, valerian, and all sorts of stuff with NO ginger (most sleepy teas have ginger and I am allergic). I have been out since the Agents started drinking my tea. I went out and bought them some commercial stuff and finally got to the tea store Yesterday to get ingredients to make my tea. I did use it last night, and it helped. But before now, it wasn't helping, but it may be that it was a bit older stock.

Mostly, If I get to sleep, I am waking up after a couple hours and up for an hour to 3 at a time. Or I don't get to sleep in the first place. But here is to hoping the tea helps tonight.

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Okay, good quick update.

I just opened my phone and I have one of those counter apps. It says its been 700 days since my last soda. I am strangely proud of this. I am also strangly saddened since cutting out the 6 cans of soda a day didn't help the weight issue.

But 700 days without soda. I never thought I would see this.

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57 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Okay, good quick update.

I just opened my phone and I have one of those counter apps. It says its been 700 days since my last soda. I am strangely proud of this. I am also strangly saddened since cutting out the 6 cans of soda a day didn't help the weight issue.

But 700 days without soda. I never thought I would see this.

That is something to be proud of. Damn straight. It also sucks to have people around that are absolutely hoping for you to fail. Probably to just make themselves feel better. I don't have the most supporting cast here, but at least they don't tell me that kind of stuff. At least they help me in that way. Sorry you have to deal with that

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3 hours ago, Tateman said:

That is something to be proud of. Damn straight. It also sucks to have people around that are absolutely hoping for you to fail. Probably to just make themselves feel better. I don't have the most supporting cast here, but at least they don't tell me that kind of stuff. At least they help me in that way. Sorry you have to deal with that

 

I am not sure I am as proud so much as surprised. I remember times where  I could barely go half a day without downing a ton of soda or no-doze to stay awake. So the idea that I have been without a real soda (not counting the oops, wrong cup when Hubby has it) for 700 days is just weird. And when I do accidently get a hit of his soda, it tastes horrid. I am taking that as a good sign I may not end up back on soda, but for now. I am just confused that I have been off it.

 

The Agents and Hubby are supportive. Hubby more than the Agents since they don't really understand the pt. Things like the Agents still want to share cookies or think they are are being sweet by giving me half a cookie or piece of chocolate. But in the end, Youngest Agent loves to walk and stretch with me. Eldest is the first one to remind me we need a plan and to try and help make one (he also does much much better with one).  so they are helping. Its the immediate blood family that doesn't support. My chosen family would have my back in whatever. They will walk with me when we are near one another. But the chosen family is too spread out to do more than cheer, and they get a bit annoyed with my "So I did this today". That's why I have NF. You guys love hearing my "So I did or did not get my 10,500 steps today" (Okay, lie to me about it).

 

Anyway, thanks for the support Tateman. I really do appreciate people (you, Flea, Tank, J3nn, Siferiax, anyone I may be forgetting) supporting me and checking on me. This challenge has been hard in ways I never expected, but I haven't given up yet. I just keep trying.

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Yeah, my youngest is the same. He will ask if I want cake or whatever. It's cool :)

 

And no problem. I am glad to be able to pop in on a few people to check in. :)

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15 hours ago, Tateman said:

Yeah, my youngest is the same. He will ask if I want cake or whatever. It's cool :)

 

I just feel bad turning them down because they are sharing and trying to be sweet. at the same time, I didn't really want that.

 

15 hours ago, Tateman said:

And no problem. I am glad to be able to pop in on a few people to check in. :)

 

Well, I appreciate the check ins.

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Update For  Monday 7/16

 

Day overall wasn't too bad. I had finally slept and I slept till 9:30 that morning because it was good sleep. That put me a bit behind for the day, but since I didn't have to work it was okay. I got the raspberries harvested, the tomatoes and cucumbers are finally starting to really produce. I got my homework rolling. I even went for a walk with Youngest Agent and then it went sideways.  Once we got home from our walk, Youngest Agent started crying and saying her stomach hurt. Guess who hand't drank water AGAIN  all day. Next thing I know, I spend 2 hours trying to get her to drink water and go to sleep. I know shes old enough to do this herself, but apparently, still not catching that fact.

I did however manage to get 16 out of 15 pts (since that was suppose to be the first day of the 15 pt days). It took some effort, but I got it all done. I had a late dinner (the tortillas from dinner were blue, so we scrounged something for Agents then fed ourselves later). I had a huge cup of sleepy tea and went to bed. And didn't sleep. Because why would I sleep.

Sunday night went to bed with Stardew valley, then shower, sleepy tea and slept great. Monday night went to bed with sleepy tea and didn't. Going to have to work on that.

Also didn't miss Sister M as much as I expected. Mondays are hard because I keep thinking about the call I got on a Monday. I still miss her, but I was also still wrapped up in my head trying to deal with the family thing from Sunday and the "You can't survive without Hubby" BS that my head was more there. I dunno, I think its the control issue for that family member and the fact that I do trust Hubby and I can handle things. But  this is the kind of thing that gets stuck in my head and a troll uses to beat me with when they get loose.

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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Sunday night went to bed with Stardew valley

I must have missed something, what's Stardew valley? Is it a different type of tea?

 

Congrats on leveling up from 10 to 15 points! More importantly with making yourself stick with it, even though it was hard, even though you didn't want to. Take that success and use it to beat back that troll!

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5 hours ago, J3NN said:

Congrats on leveling up from 10 to 15 points! More importantly with making yourself stick with it, even though it was hard, even though you didn't want to. Take that success and use it to beat back that troll!

All of this! 

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21 hours ago, J3NN said:

I must have missed something, what's Stardew valley? Is it a different type of tea?

 

Stardew Valley is a video game I started playing a while back and its really relaxing. Basically you get fed up with living in the city and corporate life and run away to the farm your grandfather left you. Only its a complete mess and you fix up the farm and make friends with townspeople and fish and go exploring the mines to fight monsters or get ore to build with.  And you make friends with the forest spirits to help take care of your farm.

 

stardew-valley-switch.gif

 

 

Quote

Congrats on leveling up from 10 to 15 points! More importantly with making yourself stick with it, even though it was hard, even though you didn't want to. Take that success and use it to beat back that troll!

 

Thanks, the leveling up was a bit harder than expected, but I need to stick with it. I don't want to are strong but I am trying. And hopefully the trolls shut up some.  Thanks for the support.

 

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

All of this! 

 

Thanks. I am trying.

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Update for Tues 7/17

 

The day went sideways from the minute I woke up. Nothing wanted to work right, but I kept trying since we had a good plan for the evening and it was going to take care of a couple of things.

About an hour before that plan went into effect. I got a call. Youngest Agent was suppose to be going to spend time with the family member (The 3 day "You pick a day for the kids to come to you, no you do it" mess). Due to some circumstances outside their control, they couldn't take Youngest Agent anymore. Okay, that wasn't a big deal. But I spent 25 minutes on the phone trying to work out "Do you still want her, no lets move it, but when" and "I don't know, I need to have these other appts that I won't know about until tomorrow" and they were crying because they have control issues and it was all out of their control. I held things together and we are suppose to sort it out today (??) once they know their schedule. But that threw all the  planning here out the window which I didn't mention because they were having enough emotions as it was.

No big real right? Wrong. Eldest Agent had a hard time figuring out the change of plan. He just couldn't get past the "wait thats not the plan" And kept arguing with me that "This wasn't the plan" I Know kid, plans changed.

I got to work, things were a mess there as always. But I got it sorted out, only to find out what I thought would be an early run in today is now a late run in that messes up dinner. So trying to sort that out. I did manage to get 15.2 pts and yes I totally gave up on the "No eating after dinner" and "No stupid sugar"  goals at one point because when I did the soak up the sun (moonlight) I had a glass of wine in one hand  and 2 cookies in the other. Not the point of that goal, but I just really was done and didn't really care.

And to top it all off, I started looking at the next chosen family get together. I started by putting out the scheduling email for people to tell me when they are busy, and I almost sent it to Sister M. Which then made me cry because she was always the first to respond. I wanted to ask her what her life looked like, then I remembered, then tears. Its weird not putting her on there. I did ask her husband and Daughter, but its not her.

 

One good thing: Sister S loves me since she got my email about "are you kidding me" and texted me to check on me.

Timne with agents : Trying to wake Youngest Agent gave me time with Eldest Agent to bond (aka both of us against Youngest Agent who refused to wake up).

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So in a attempt to get back to taking care of myself, actually trying to be healthy, and well, normalcy. I weighed myself for the first time in a month. I am now heavier than I have been in over 4 years according to my records. This is hard pill to swallow. In the last year, I have pretty much been in the same 8 lb area which was on the high end of my weight. But seeing that number be THAT CLOSE to 300, it probably didn't help my mental or emotional state at this point.

Do I know what caused it, yep. Not eating, then eating all the things including sugar and crap because emotions. But right now, I feel very defeated and like why do I bother doing all this when its not doing any good. I mean I haven't been below my current weight fluxuations since Feb 2017, but in all that time, I could say I was in the same area so I wasn't gaining. I guess thats not true anymore.

So why am I still trying? Maybe I should give up and listen to those people who say I will never lose it. Maybe I will become like that family member that I have that is probably almost 450 (if not more).

Real update to come later. I need to take Agents to a dentist appt.

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OKay, update for Weds

 

I don't even remember what was going on other than by the end of the day, I didn't feel I had anything done. Partially because today has been really weird (can anyone say someone tried dropping a kitten off with me to keep?).

 

I did get a family walk in with the Agents and Hubby last night. I got 15.1 pts out of my 15. My one good thing is that one of Agent Youngest's friends mom stopped by to ask a small favor of me (care for the plant that was given to them when their baby died) and we had a good visit, even if she was super late getting home to finish packing.

 

Okay, so I need to get my stuff together. Today has just gone sideways and I still need to deal with the whole "I want your kid on my schedule" person and a few other things.

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Thursday update

so, the world was screwy yesterday. I woke up to stepping on a piece of glass 3 humans and 3 furbabies all missed. No idea when or where it came from, but my foot found it. Not a bad one, but enough I had to pull it out. Work blew up On my day off.

 

tvE8KuW2pXqM0.gif

 

Got home, had lunch and started to get moving when one of Eldest Agent's friends showed up panic. He said "I need you. We found a kitten and you have cats so you can take it." UH what?

giphy.gif

 

Black kitten about 6 mo old they found 2 blocks away (no collar). it was friendly hanging out on their laps in a car, let me cuddle it and pet it and didn't mind. I had Youngest Agent get a cat carrier and put it in there. I called Animal control because I am not set up to take in a possibly feral kitten. I mean I have Agent White who is about the same age and still needs a few shots yet. I called animal control and Hubby walked in to me going "So we have a kitten, but I didn't do it." Animal control took the kitten and is going to check it for a chip and owner, spay and healthy check it. If no one steps forward in 7 days, then it will be available for adoption. I am scared that if no one takes this cutie, i may of signed its death sentence. But I couldn't take it.Not sure what to do here, but I feel horrible. We may try to adopt it (or help find it an owner) since I feel responsible, but I couldn't risk my other babies. I couldn't really focus much after that.

Add to all that the weight realization and I had a talk with Hubby. He is going to help kick me ot make sure I walk. Either outside of treadmill. If my steps are up, I do better. But still not okay with where I am, nad I am ashamed of it. I know I have had a shitty 6 mo, but really, I got this bad. Whats to keep me from being like my relative that is way worse than I am.

 

Sister M's daughter texted me because she was having a hard time and needed to chat. I cheered her up some, but all I could think was also "I would love Sister M's input in this" which hurt and made things that much harder. I also found an email from Sister M like 4-5 years ago (when I was doing better and before she had cancer) going "Okay, whats your mileage, water and food looking like." She had just lost a TON of weight on weight watchers and was being my support system to help me get started on things.  Kinda wish I could poke her and say, "see what I found?" But at the same time, I would have to admit I feel into this place.

 

In challenge news, I got on the treadmill and I walked for 15:04 min and .775 miles on a incline of 2.0/. No real strength exercises, but I did do some stretches. I also stayed off the stupid sugar and got my water. Steps were still bad, but better than they had been. Overally, I got 15.3 pts out of 15. Not sure if I will be ready to go to 20/20 by next week. will have to see how it goes. I didn't sleep Wed night into Thurs, did better last night, but not expecting any real sleep for the next few days even with tea. One good thing : Agents did great at the dentist, even when one had a small issue to deal with. Time with Agents is a random dance Youngest and I broke into.

 

Okay, novel done, I really need to stop ignoring my homework and get it done. I have 7 days till the semester ends and 2 modules to do (One due Sunday, the other due this time next week).

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3 pieces of glass? damn! I think Kittens usually don't have too much problems getting adopted, so hopefully this one does quickly. Excellent work getting on that treadmill. Some improvement on those steps is better then none at all! :)

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22 hours ago, Tateman said:

3 pieces of glass? damn! I think Kittens usually don't have too much problems getting adopted, so hopefully this one does quickly. Excellent work getting on that treadmill. Some improvement on those steps is better then none at all! :)

 

Yep, the glass was bad. and How my ENTIRE FAMILY walked past that spot and missed it, but I didn't still amazes me (at least I handle it better than most).

The one downside for the kitten is its black with yellow eyes. Generally black cats (and dogs) have a harder time in shelters because their coloring allows them to sink into the shadows of the cages and no one really sees them. Then there is also this issue.

 

12961530_1154748261210132_19474231815495

 

Yes, people think this and that they are bad luck. My MIL had an issue when we got Agent Black. I now have this in a slideshow of pictures on my PC for a screensaver.

 

The treadmill felt good. Did it again last night and got my step goal for the first time in over a month. Not going to solve all the problems, but it is something that may help. 

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