Endless cycles of crashing and burning

[JusticioProfundo]

I never thought I would feel so dejected about food and fitness as I do now.

 

I went hard on NF for about 6 months, did my own thing for a while, became active on NF again, and on and on. Strength-wise, saw some amazing success. I injured myself by doing sprints without warming up enough...I think I know what it feels like to get shot in the leg now.

 

But at the time I was looking better, I could squat 255 @ 5x5 (!!!), maxed my deadlift at 275 @1x5, and hadn't felt that good in a long time. A jacked up hamstring did not do me any favours.

 

I haven't been to the gym since. That was a year ago. I've tried to focus on food. Tried Keto for a while and got acute keto flu symptoms at work, the very last place I need that kind of thing to happen. Tried counting calories, which I despise on a good day, and got frustrated when my food budget ran out and I didn't have enough lean protein to actually meet my target for a whole week.

 

I like food of all kinds...the good, the bad and the ugly. It wasn't until I actually tried to drill down on my food habits that I realized how grotesque my relationship with it was. Emotional eating, binging at parties, having meat-only meals, late night McD's runs...the whole 9 yards. At 210lbs or so and 21% body fat, I should probably consider myself lucky.

 

But I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I finally realized that I don't love myself a whole lot.

 

Honestly, my only strategy is to simplify everything as much as I can. Take the best food advice I have ever heard (eat food, not too much, mostly vegetables), and hit the weights again.

 

No tracking apps. Pen and paper for the sake of tracking how much I lifted so I know to go bigger the next time. Disregard the mirror. Disregard the scale.

 

For this "I want to science my way out" brain of mine, it seems like the actual struggle is self-defeatism. I don't have the ability to self-correct in the face of failure in this realm. I wonder what will happen if I just stop doing the math, and not complicate things so much.

 

Eat less, move more. Eat less, move more...

[Master Blackhawke]

Bless you, fellow struggler. I found simplifying and pen/paper to be the only way I could do it. It's the self love thing that got me, so I went back to the Peaceful Warrior course I took and am trying to tie in to my innate self worth, which isn't easy.

You have our support - this is one vicious mountain to conquer, but you'll do it! I have faith.

[ladyofthebog]

do you have a challenge going? i would love to follow!

[Trixie Falsae]

Hi! I have struggled with similar things.  I found that when I learned to love myself and my body as it was,  it was so much easier to care for myself.  I don't count calories or macros.  I sometimes check in for a day here or there just to see where I am and if I need to tweak my overall habits.  Plus if I tracked too much I would easily slip into orthexia again which leads to anorexia for me. I just have a general pattern of eating,  but am gentle with myself if I don't stick with it perfectly.   Blessings!