... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

[Jean]

I don't know how to define this past week.

 

Eating hasn't gone so well. Sleeping was bad, going outside is a check, physical activity... somewhat of a mixed feeling.

 

I've been volunteering for three days (Thrusday to Saturday). Two days have been spent "helping" a company that couldn't be arsed to bring knowledgeable people on site (because it's way cheaper to rely on volunteers, right?). It's been a tiring experience but, in the end, I got to told them my mind and they had to do the expenses they were trying to spare.

 

Saturday was... strange? The person responsible for my stand didn't show up so, as the person knowing a bit of how to handle a bar, I volunteered to replace him. We had just spent three weeks building the site and were  ahead of time. Everything should have been set and working on the morning of the show... well, it's lucky there wasn't that many people around because we had to disassemble it all, think of a working way to make it and build it all up again... the person responsible for the whole food and beverages aspects of the fair was hiding in a corner (so, not there to assist in any way) and they managed to bust up even the transportation back home, leaving us with an hour of waiting in the cold to take a train because the bus couldn't drive on the "unexpected" snow (it'd been in weather forecasts since the start of the week).

 

Sunday was sleeping and resting through the whole day. I'm taking three days off next week, so there's no way anything will get done at work. I'll just try to sit and relax and not think of the hell I'll find waiting for me next week's Monday.

[Jean]

-----100% venting here, don't hesitate to skip it, I just need to get this out of my system.-----

I... don't really know what to do anymore.

It's the third time this year that I try to take a few days off. It's also the third time that:

a) There are appointments that can't be set at any different date than one of those off days that, if I don't take them, will make handling their respecting projects really more difficult (and I'm, of course, already behind the deadlines).

b) We reach a point where we have to contact people and gain them on our side so, whenever I'm out of office, there are still 8 phone calls a day reaching me (how do they get my private number, you ask? The effing front desk gives it to them!).

There are just way too many damn "strategic" projects to handle and the situation has well too damn rotten for more than 10 years. Also, some people can't seem to handle anything on their own and I really wish they would stop thinking that their problems are the communitiy's problem. Also also, our mayor is a big baby set on getting all the credit, doing none of the work, and drowning everybody on his path.

I'm getting very tired of this. I've teached the front desk people to actually watch my schedule and tell people I'm off or at a meeting when I am (I keep being amazed at how what I'd think would be very basic things apparently still require specific explanations), also, not to give my private number anymore, so this should settle part of it but things can't get better until I've managed to get people to realise that the bloody project they're working on isn't the big priority they imagine it to be in the grand scheme of things.

The thing is: the call comes in, my mind starts thinking and I can't relax or recover anymore. I need to put the damn thing off, but I can't and then, the off day is wasted and I'm not one bit regenerated after it.

I'll probably have to start blacklisting professional calls so that they don't reach me outside of work (very basic thing, I know, still one I had to learn AND teach my employer about). It seems that nothing comes in an organized format in this bloody job and I'm mighty tired of it.

[Jean]

Allright, stabilizing things around here.

 

It's vineyard time again, so this is a good thing: fresh air, contact with nature plus, as this is my responsibility alone, it takes precedence over other things and competes with my job for my attention (a good thing).

 

Cooking/eating still needs some work but I've got the right habits in motion. Decluttering the kitchen is what needs to be done next.

 

Finances are working better than intended and put on a passive mode to let more space for other concerns in my life (another very good thing).

 

Working out needs to be tackled up again, but I don't feel ready for it right now.

 

Being wild needs to be worked on, there again, I don't feel like I have the energy to go past the basic habits I've already built and step up my game.

 

The job is a complete mess. I know I'm doing as well as can be expected and that things will have to work out fine in the end but they keep piling up and I don't feel ready to face the people that'll ask for explanations, either duely (they are concerned or are my bosses) or unduely (it's none of their business and I'll have to send them off more or less politely, though without giving ground so that they learn to mind their own business before I come crashing in in the illegal parts of it - I will have to at some point but there again, time is a concern).

 

I'm setting a single objective for this week: keep the registering of my worked hours up to date. This is something I tend to give up early when overworked and the hours that I give to my organisation do not come back my way so, self interest over sacrifice for the common good. If the common good minds it in any way, it has plenty of ways to make it right without me having to resort to sacrificing my own time and peace of mind.

[Jett]

On 5/12/2019 at 9:24 AM, Jean said:

If the common good minds it in any way, it has plenty of ways to make it right without me having to resort to sacrificing my own time and peace of mind.

Good way of looking at it! You've given enough; the rest isn't your problem anymore. (Or at least... it shouldn't be...)

[Jean]

Time to get more specific and, by that, I mean progress bars!  I'll put them in as they come.

 

Vineyard

Weeding

 

Disbudding

 

Leaf thinning

 

Finances

Opening the option of buying a very small flat with rental potential

 

 

Surviving at work

Getting even with "overtime"

 

 

Social life

Decluttering

 

 

Survival preparations

Survival rations at the ready

[Tobbe]

11 hours ago, Jean said:

Time to get more specific and, by that, I mean progress bars!

 

Love it!  

[Jean]

On a side note, I'm taking any advice I can find: today was/is another one of these days where I show up at work knowing my priorities (Important and Urgent stuff to do, must be ready for tomorrow morning), having someone on the outside (my boss) rearanging it (my priorities for tomorrow become today's priorities, today's priorities start the circle of being put off 'till The End of Times).

 

Now, my afternoon, which was planned with only one important meeting in it, has become crammed with meetings (small sessions where we go on the field and decide what to do, so not useless at all but still very time and energy consuming). The alternative to having them today would be to delay them 'till The End of Times. I know already that I won't have the energy to work through my daily priorities once the meetings are over because having my schedule torn over like that tends to deplete my daily battery like only 7:30 a.m. calls can. The week is only getting worse from here because tomorrow, I'll have to deal with part of today's priorities and tomorrow's, and it'll go on and on from there.

 

How do you deal with this ?

 

I mean:

 - part of it is me imagining stuff (there are some meetings that I could not take and the world wouldn't end so, I could technically put more emphasis on the real priorities.

 - part of it is a problem that incoming calls and emails do pile up and I cannot work through them quicker than they come while also maintaining some time for priority work anymore.

 - part of it is me being overworked, i.e. : there's definitely not enough time in my schedule to perform everything that needs to be performed and I have to deal with it.

 - part of it is me being low on energy and torturing myself at night about the things I ought to have done by now (therefor not sleeping well).

[Jean]

I've clearly overworked myself this week trying to reach my deadlines (it's bearing fruit, though, huge win in the works). Now, I'm tired and I cannot sleep. I'm not trying very hard either so this could be me on survival mode keeping alert at all times, me refusing to be happy and healthy and doing what would actually be helpful in my situation or both. I'm not quite sure.

 

Anyway, the week-end is coming, I'm in need of sleep and it's not going to be a sleepy one: I've volunteered to a local youth-organized festival on Saturday night. Next week-end has Scouts volunteering in it so won't be as relaxing as a four days week-end should be. I've been asking myself: why do I keep taking these volunteering things when, clearly, I need rest and resting, for me, is not seing anybody and quietly minding my business at home without ANY kind of external stimulus? My default answer to that is "because I'm afraid of saying no" though I'd define it more as a "I might need these people later and don't want to turn them off" nowadays but the second one has me genuinely thinking that I'm doing it because I think Scouting is something we need more of, I know the people handling the crew around my old town and how much of themselves they are giving to it and I want to give them a hand.

 

In short, I think there's something grander than me and that my own comfort isn't the be all end all of my life. Now, I'm on record for not taking care of myself like, at all, so being kind to myself and giving myself time to rest is also something worth pursuing. The question is: how sustainable is all of this? Living all by myself would mean skipping life in my view, so not something I'm very enthusiastic about but meeting others drains me and I'm easily drained at this time. I have to try and put some balance in it but I don't feel like I have the energy for it. Yet, if I don't have it now, I may very well never do.

 

Beastmode? Give me a day to be a weak-minded sod and I'll decide on this one.

 

Edit: Passives! Could be that I have already opened my door to these activities, as in: I'm taking the time once to ponder whether a thing/cause/whatever is something I value and want to put some of my life in. Then, when the choice is done, I answer the call when it comes for those things I value. I'm doing it for other kinds of decisions, could be I'm doing it here without having noticed it earlier. It would be a good means to protect my ideals from temporary circumstances such as "being tired" or "rather lying on my bed", which I really need to get any kind of action done. So, maybe everything is normal and working as intended after all? 

 

Edit 2: That would mean that I have no priority setting, only an on-off switch. It seems to match with my experiences so far. When I'm too crowded, I'm taking time to think and turn some switches off (and they stay off until something happens from the outside making me ponder whether I should turn them on again or not). When I'm too bored, I'm searching for switches to turn on. It would explain why I can feel so very related with some friends, then not see them for a month, then not see them at all anymore, yet still feel related but not missing the relationship at all or feeling like there's anything akward in it, then seeing them again and doing so frequently like nothing ever happened. That... explains... things... so... well! I'll have to think on that one again in a few time and see how that holds.

 

[Jean]

A'rright, no sense in making progress bars if I don't update them regularly:

 

Vineyard

I've been kind to myself and, this time, being kind to myself meant relaxing on Sunday instead of doing vinny business. Saturday was pretty rainy, so no progress on that front this week. I'll have to put in double work this weekend:

 

Weeding

 

Disbudding

 

 

Leaf thinning

 

 

Finances

No point in tracking this more often than monthly, I'll see where I'm at by the end of the week.

 

 

Surviving at work

This has been my main focus. There's a long way to go.

 

 

Social life

Decluttering

 

 

Survival preparations

 

 

I've got the slow going, now time to put in the steady.

Music for the slow and steady: Armen Hambar - Élan vital

 

No matter what I do, this thing won't disappear so I'm putting it in a spoiler tag. There! To jail with you!

 

[Tobbe]

10 hours ago, Jean said:

No matter what I do, this thing won't disappear so I'm putting it in a spoiler tag. There! To jail with you!

    It's probably because you have it as an attachment listed below your post, but it's not actually included in the post. It that's the case the forum software will just include it last in your post. So just find it below the post, and remove it  

[Jett]

How do you measuring "surviving"? Is it a project or a set of steps to get through? Or a set period of time to survive?

[Jean]

I have all sorts of bad reflexes in times of overwork, namely, I let the work take precedence over my own life as in: I sacrifice registering the hours to fit in more productive work. This means that, in stressful times, I'll work overtime but my clock will show that I am working less hours than I actually should. This is asinine and only puts me in a position to put in even more hours to compensate.

 

This objective is threefold:

 

•  update my worked hours register and professional expenses from the start of the year and keep current on it. Contact HR to have the right number show on my sheets.
•  keep current with the logging of my worked hours (because the automated stamping machine is skewed toward erasing worked hours based on several criteria, some of which make sense and some of which are blatantly not compatible with my job description).
•  have the amount of hours I still "owe" to my organisation reach zero (through having the right amount set and overworking what needs to be to reach it), because seeing negative hours every day when I stamp, even though I'm putting in what seems like a whole lot of them and never really regenerate is a big factor of stress for me. This is the only one I'm actually counting for the progress bar (the other two have an impact on the number displayed, though, so they're also factored in in some way).

 

I know this is asinine and that fighting being overworked by overworking myself some more is taking a huge risk that I honestly don't owe anybody but this is the way I'm wanting to tackle this at this time, so this is the path I've set for myself. The bonus is that it puts me into a state of mind where I'm not keen on bullshit, so I'm more likely to send other people back to their responsabilities when they try to put them on my shoulders.

 

We'll see how this pans out. Or not, if I end up burnt out in a madhouse before that. T'would be a fun experiment if there was less at stake.

 

Circumstancial music: P!nk - Funhouse

[Jean]

On 5/28/2019 at 6:33 AM, Tobbe said:

    It's probably because you have it as an attachment listed below your post, but it's not actually included in the post. It that's the case the forum software will just include it last in your post. So just find it below the post, and remove it  

It's probably something like that, thanks for pointing it out. I haven't gathered the will to correct it yet but I may look further into it later.

 

As for this week:

 

Vineyard

The weed has grown back and it is now time to attach the vines too. I've switched toward a consolidated way of making progress, there, and I need to be brutally honest in how inefficient I am to keep it going forward and be ready before it's too late. As for this week:

 

Weeding, disbudding, leaf thinning and attaching

 

 

Finances

Opening the option of buying a very small flat with rental potential

 

It's mainly assets allocation which makes some money count toward it that didn't earlier. I'm a bit overinvested right now and may have tackled too many investments at once (dentist, wall refection in the vineyard and stocks). I may end up selling some stock if the conditions get right for it (meaning I'd not be selling at a loss).

 

 

Surviving at work

Getting even with "overtime"

 

I've worked a few hours on a holiday to make sure that a new employee would have her IT credentials and parameters set and ready despite HR having taken no notice that the person they had tasked with it was on medical leave (and had announced it to HR which, in turn, didn't bother to inform me as her direct manager...). Thought it was well worth it since I may end up having a need for the new person's help and there's nothing like not feeling welcome on the first day to get someone disinvested in her job.

 

 

Social life

Decluttering

 

 

Survival preparations

Survival rations at the ready

 

I've actually made some progress here but it amounts to less than 1%.

 

 

All in all, progress has been made but I'm spreading myself thin and I should put more of a priority on the vineyard. Next week should be a bit more relaxing, with me taking some distance to plan for the coming needs. We'll see how it goes.

[Jean]

A'rright, so, bad week last week. Bad week this week too. Not much progress on the important points (vineyard and decluttering), yet still progress on the important points (peace of mind and going forward, mainly) so, all in all, things are fine. Time to get a hold of myself and jump into the fray once again, tomorrow is an interesting day.

 

Vineyard

 

 

Surviving at work

 

 

Decluttering

 

 

Survival preparations

 

[Tobbe]

On 6/11/2019 at 9:46 PM, Jean said:

all in all, things are fine.

 

That's great   Can't expect to win on all fronts all the time  

 

On 6/11/2019 at 9:46 PM, Jean said:

tomorrow is an interesting day.

 

What was interesting about it? How did it go?

[Jean]

8 hours ago, Tobbe said:

What was interesting about it? How did it go?

 

Plenty of things to make work at the same time. I had a big meeting in the evening for which I was absolutely not ready that went pretty well (I'm going to assume that, when I'm both defending and criticizing my boss in front of him and other people and he doesn't take it personally and get no negative feed back on the criticizing, I've managed to put the right forms to what I was saying, so that's a win).

 

'Twas a long day with no running (my current 4 weeks challenge, at which I am utterly failing this week).

 

There was a nice security meeting regarding natural hazards in my area, which is something that gets added to my job and feels like my calling, so a good thing which went well.

 

I wanted to get ready on several different other projects (for work) and didn't manage to get it done but for one (there just wasn't enough time in the day)

 

Today was bullshit but luck kicked in, then kicked in again, then did it yet another time. Maybe it's not pure luck but has to do with preparedness but there were many ways in which it all could have gone toward a very shitty day with overthrown priorities and nothing done for my life. I'll just be happy to be lucky and leave it at that.

 

I'm once again way too much professionnally focused and I don't rightly know how to change it. At the same time, things feel wrong yet every sign I see indicates that I am doing fine. I guess I don't really know how the world works and this is my coming of age, where I realise that I can be myself and stand my ground without people around me eating me. I've yet to put that self-assurance to work on other faces of my life (like dating), though.

[Jean]

Just putting it here to build some public accountability for tomorrow:

 

Progress for this week:

 - work: close to none (went to the dentist instead);

 - vineyard: none;

 - decluttering: none;

 - survival: none;

 - 4 weeks challenge (running): dropped the ball.

 

The real progress comes from two appointments with the dentist without loosing ground at work (it's been a busy week) but this is not enough. In order to feel good when registering my progress, I need to:

 - go running tomorrow;

 - go to the vineyard and get some good progress under my belt.

 

I'm not off track, things are going good all in all but if I ever want to get over some of this shit (work, vineyard and decluttering), I have to step up my game and rise to the occasion.

 

 

[Jean]

It went worse than I would have liked, but better than it would if I hadn't posted yesterday. So:

 

Vineyard

 

Surviving at work

 

Decluttering

 

Survival preparations

 

 

Running has been done and the vineyard isn't in too bad a shape right now.

 

The important thing is that I got back on the horse. Dental recovery is on its way (I've waited 6 years with half-eaten teeth because of money, I'm finally tackling it. It'll take several sessions which, together with work, build pretty long weeks).

 

Focus for this week:

 - run every day;

 - keep working on those lacking working hours (target: 5%);

 - vineyard (Thursday is a holiday and I've taken Friday out so no excuses there).

[RES]

22 hours ago, Jean said:

The important thing is that I got back on the horse.

Exactly!

[Jean]

Remember Dory from Finding Nemo? That's me!

 

 

 

I had completely forgotten just how tired and stretched thin I am on pretty much every level of my life until this week. I'm just out of a four days weekend and I've been worth nothing for three of them. The fourth has seen me very irritable and swearing at people's inefficiency. I must either work on myself or my environment on this one (my desire would be to make it an environment change but it's not happening this year: I'm still banking on this job to build some credibility and safety money).

 

Work is the usual bullshit but emails are coming in at a rythme that I can't sustain. It doesn't seem to slow down so I'm late on pretty much anything. In order to get my hours in the black again, I am overworking myself and need to factor it in the pursuit of my other life goals.

 

Psychiatric-level bullshit has happened in the family. It's nice to see that I can sustain that (and to get the script for several episodes right off the bat if I one day decide to make a sitcom) but I really didn't need it. Things should be under control for two weeks but I'm still staggered by the irrationality of my sister and father's reactions.

 

I've read back some of my financial logs and it's amazing to see how desperate I was no later than this February and just how far it all seems now. The thing is: I have no notion of time anymore: as far as I'm concerned, Christmas is tomorrow and yesterday is eons ago. That's something I'll probably have to work on at some point in the future.

 

Running has happened. I'll try to keep it as a routine for the next five weeks challenge (I'm not waiting through the preliminary week to get started).

Decluttering should be a priority but hasn't happened the least. Right now, shoulds have just no chance of happening.

Vineyard handling has only marginally happened and needs to be stepped up but there again, needs are mostly left on the side of the road nowadays.

 

I'll be doing my feedback tomorrow: I don't really feel like cutting and pasting images tonight.

 

Life is still underway and it still feels like going in a good direction so I don't feel the need to change it and I just keep going forward.

 

 

Time to get some sleep. See y'all on Monday.

 

[Jean]

So :

 

Vineyard:

Some very small progress but I may have miscalculated the surfaces done last time.

 

Surviving at work:

On target.

 

Decluttering:

Low on energy, this will have to be resumed once the vineyard is taken care of.

 

Survival preparations:

 

[Jean]

Several thoughts for today:

 

Holy crap, I want to build a domain! I've visited an uncle who lives semi-remotely yesterday and it really shook my insides. Basic skills needed: carpentry, electricity, plumbing, gardening, masonry + time. Time is the biggest factor, I'll need to find a way to build more availability in my life, like working only part-time. That'd be great except it's not possible in my current position and I'd rather hold it for a couple more years, in order to build my CV and put some money on the side. I'll need a construction machinery permit too so, more time and more money.

 

I need to live. House cleaning should take precedence but the vineyard must still be taken care of. So, first, vineyard, second, house, third, stop acting like everything is threatening me.

[Jean]

Real Estate

Clothes expenses have happened due to the heat wave and I've not maintained as tight a budget as I maybe should have so, no progress there for this month.

 

Vineyard

More progress than that has been made but I'm adjusting the way I'm measuring it.

 

Surviving at work

Two dental appointments have taken me away from the desk. Two of them yet remain that will affect further progress here.

 

Decluttering

 

Survival rations

 

 

[Jean]

Personal notes because trying to understand:

 

I was at work at 6:30 am.

I left at 12:30 because some random shit happened and was better done before leaving for lunch.

The day will be long and I am legally required to take a 1 hour lunch break.

It is 1:15 pm and I'm not relaxed at all, thinking about the job.

 

-> I'm basically performing the job of 2 people right now (because another manager is on holidays and, as always, shit has happened).

-> people are complaining for both critical and mundane stuff.

-> my employer is short on cash and likes to spend it on non-security areas.

-> people's security is at stake.

-> I get to do the job of quite a few other people from time to time because nobody thinks it opportune to design a processus regarding how to handle things when they're not there.

 

Critical:

 - alert my employer about the legal and security issues, advise them, do as they say.

 - be current with the tasks which seem important to my employer (whether they actually are or not) in order to have more weight behind my recommandations.

 

Important:

 - take note of every task performed in order to inform my employer about the disfunctions we are experiencing.

 - advise my employer about critical needs and what steps need to be taken in order to ensure :

 * the execution of my tasks ;

 * the mental and physical health of the employees ;

 * minimal cost for maximal efficiency.

 - handle my life so as to direct it toward my own wellbeing whenever not at work i.e. : take some distance with this all and live my life.

 

Negligible :

 - handle the issues coming my way that are not part of my department mission statement.

 

Time to put the shirt on and get some shit done.

[Jupiter]