... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

[Tobbe]

17 hours ago, Jean said:

The coffe was awesome!

 

ROFL!  

 

17 hours ago, Jean said:

my home is slowly getting into a shape where I can have strangers visit it

 

Whenever we're about to have people over it's always a solid days work to clean up our house. And every time we say to each other that we should just try to continuously keep our place tidier... But then 10 pm comes around and we're too tired to take care of the mess in the kitchen. Pick up all the dirty clothes from the floor, vacuum the entrance etc. So we go sit in front of the TV for a while instead, and decide to clean up "tomorrow"...  How can it be so difficult and so much work to keep a home presentable? 

[Tobbe]

Sigh, double post. Hotel wifi...

[Jean]

Thanks to @Tobbe, the registering is done. Thanks a lot mate! Now to move on to the rest of the plan.

 

 

On 1/6/2020 at 1:51 AM, Jean said:

Monthly goal

• Having registered for the hiking guide course. ✔️ Done! Does that mean that I can drop everything else and rest?

 

Daily goals

• Wake up early, go to work for 6:30 am. Half-done. I do enjoy the early hours of the morning to get my head wrapped around the problems and find workable solutions around them. Problems are outnumbering me "a horde" to one, though.
• At work: keep current with the payments. Always register my hours. Prioritize things. Stand up for that prioritization. Tell people the risks linked to their decisions when they make them, even if they're not in the mood. If they're yelling, do so by e-mail when things have cooled down. ✔️ That part's working. Let's keep on keeping on.
• At noon: run, exercise (push-ups, inverted bodyweight rows, hollow holds, squats), shower, eat. Time for that : 1.5 hours. Exerwhatnow?
• When back home in the evening: start my "at home routine": alternate between 30 min of gaming, 15 min of cleaning/decluttering, cooking and scoring the objectives of the day. Dropped for the last two weeks. I've got to get back on that or I won't meet the moving target.
• Objectives for the day:
  • Make 1 phone call to visit an appartment, starting week 3 (I'm letting time for people to settle into the year). Nope. I'm moving the starting line to February.
  • Spend 1 hour on my cover letter / résumé / other things to do to register to my course. Not done every day but the end result is there so no complaint.
  • Don't spend too much time tracking my finances: just follow the plan, it's working. Don't spend on useless shit, focus on the other targets, live. Hahaha.

On the weekends

• Go groceries shopping on Saturday. ✔️ Groceries shopping is fun!
• Whenever there's at least one sunny day in it, pack something to grill, a salad, some bread and a beer and go to the vineyard. I can work there, take steps to make it more welcoming or just enjoy my time. The purpose is to build the habit of going there and enjoying myself. ✔️ No grill but me a, craft beer, pruning shears and the sun. There's a lot to be done to make it into what I want it to be but it can definitely become my domain and a place of solace where to make time slow down.

 

Now to what's happening:

 

The Job:

By January 15th, the year was full with enough work to fill it all. I'd be good if no other request came for the rest of the year. I'm not believing in it one second.

 

The Move:

Things don't seem to have changed much since two years ago: the only items I can find are either very small or too expensive for my likings. I might go for a small one but things are changing and I'm less wanting to enter a new contract with a one year duration tying my hand than I was before.

 

Anyway, love you, guys and gals! Sorry I'm not spending more time with you and on my fitness. I guess the way to put you and it back in my life would be to focus on resting and rejuvenating for some time in order to be ready to tackle physical challenges with new energy. I'm not quite ready for it right now.

 

[Tobbe]

Yay for registering 👍

 

1 hour ago, Jean said:

Dropped for the last two weeks. I've got to get back on that or I won't meet the moving target.

 

What part did you drop, and what did you do instead?

 

1 hour ago, Jean said:

No grill but me a, craft beer, pruning shears and the sun. There's a lot to be done to make it into what I want it to be but it can definitely become my domain and a place of solace where to make time slow down.

 

Even though I already live in a very calm and quiet place, I've been wishing for something like that myself too. A private domain where I can make time slow down. For me that would be a cabin in the woods next to a lake where I can go for a morning swim. With no one else around. Rules and regulations in Sweden makes it very hard to find a place like that, and next to impossible (or illegal) to build something new like that.

  

1 hour ago, Jean said:

I might go for a small one but things are changing

 

How very vague  What's changing?

  

1 hour ago, Jean said:

Sorry I'm not spending more time with you and on my fitness. I guess the way to put you and it back in my life would be to focus on resting and rejuvenating for some time in order to be ready to tackle physical challenges with new energy. I'm not quite ready for it right now.

 

We're (at least I) are not here only (or at all) for fitness. Sure, it probably started out for that reason. But it's grown to so much more   So if you just want to vent/discuss/rant about other things, that's perfectly fine too.

 

[Jean]

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

What part did you drop, and what did you do instead?

 

I've not made phone calls and visited potential new homes. Instead, I've run around like a headless chicken confused and lost, not understanding why I'm so tired, where my time goes and what I can do to take control of my life once again. It all feels very confusing at this point in time.

 

 

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

For me that would be a cabin in the woods next to a lake where I can go for a morning swim. With no one else around. Rules and regulations in Sweden makes it very hard to find a place like that, and next to impossible (or illegal) to build something new like that.

 

I would love that concept too. Unfortunately, it'd be illegal around here too (forests are very protected). I've got an uncle who's an ermit in France, where his job (besides praying and meditating) is to take care of an exploited forest. Sounds close to it but I'm not ready for that kind of life. Hope you'll find a way to make your cabin by the  lake a reality for you.

 

 

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

How very vague  What's changing?

 

I'm not sure I can call that love but romantic relationship opportunities with someone very dear to me, which takes me time and, on a rational level, may not be the best idea in the world (we have several differences we'd have to get on the same page for it to work). Assuming it'd blossom into an actual relationship, that'd switch priorities around, making living here a suboptimal choice (both because of were she'd be working and her own likings). One year keeping a separate house wouldn't be a bad thing per se but going for something too small may make things more difficult while keeping a rent that's bleeding my pokets dry won't help either. All in all, my current home may be the better bet for the transitioning period, if anything happens, of course. Even though I trust myself and my old habits to chicken out of it and not make it happen (because commitment is scary), I'd hate to close the door to opportunities right now (which I could refer to as "not being mature enough to take charge of my decisions and freaking decide by myself").

 

Anyway, a foggy cloudy mental state of mind where previous plans may not hold 'till the end of the year. Not that I'm complaining, at all, but there nonetheless.

 

 

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

We're (at least I) are not here only (or at all) for fitness. Sure, it probably started out for that reason. But it's grown to so much more   So if you just want to vent/discuss/rant about other things, that's perfectly fine too.

 

Thanks for that! Right now, I'd really want to get back to building habits, feel what I was feeling last year, but I'm so utterly tired, both mentally and physically, that I'm not able to drag myself into it. It seems deadlines run one after another and I can't take some distance to let things sink in. On top of that, the relationship matter happens at a time when I'm not ready to make room for it in my life, so I've got to prioritize and, right now, it feels like fighting defensively without an end to the battles. I'm basically just keeping two targets in mind (the course and moving) and letting myself be carried through the year, hoping it'll be better next year.

[Jean]

Technology got involved, my registration email was never received and now I'm fighting to get one of the 4 last open spots to that course. xD Life's fun! (Not complaining, there are a lot of things I am grateful for and my stress level upon learning the news might have been a tad of an overreaction since all is still fine in my life).

 

Today's objective:

Go to the vineyard, get the last part precut and ready for March.

 

Today's routine:

• cup of coffee
• decluttering
• documents scanning and filing
• work organisationnal chart report writing
• youtube video
• rinse and repeat.

Have fun guys/gals!

 

[Jean]

I need to reassert this:

 

On 1/8/2020 at 5:37 PM, Jean said:

And nothing will stop me.

 

And now out for a walk,

 

Kyueko - Sphere of Madness

[Jean]

Hiking course registration officially confirmed!

 

[Tobbe]

That's awesome! Congratulations 🍾

[Jean]

So, I've been pondering: why does it always feel like I am in a rush? I spend a lot of time doing nothing of use to my situation (hanging around a computer) and always have 3 or 4 things that I consider have to be done that alter my ability to take time for myself, go to bed and genuinely rest. Usually, when I leave work on Friday, I do so thinking there are things to be done over the weekend if I want to keep things under a semblance of handling.

 

Is it a temporary rush that I have to go through?

Is it me not tackling the things that I should and wasting my time instead?

Is it me giving import to things that do not matter and a pure matter of mindset?

Is it my environment that's depleting me?

Is it that I am trying to do too much and not ordering my priorities correctly, even though everything looks like it has to be prioritized right now?

 

I don't know. The classic answer is a bit of each. I don't know if I like the classic answer. I should take charge of my life, decide what matters to me and go for it.

I'm probably over-estimating what is truly necessary for things to hold enough to let me do the stuff I want and still have a roof, some food and an internet connection.

 

I used to like this introspective stuff. I used to be good at it.

Now, it all seems like crisis management, every day.  With the task of building a better future on top of it. I can't give in to the crisis or I won't get out. I can't give up on building the future because that's how I'm going to get out of it. So, fight after fight after fight...

 

Why can't I get myself to use the bloody brakes once in a while? I mean, like truly use them, not just slow down a little just to let inertia and the decline put me at full speed quickly after...

 

Anyway, food for thoughts. Time to get going.

[Renate]

4 hours ago, Jean said:

Anyway, food for thoughts. Time to get going.

That was kind of a poetic end to your post.

 

Another possible cause/factor to add to the list:

 

Maybe you have become convinced, that the feeling of the rush is what got you where you are. IF you do not have this feeling, you are afraid you might slack off. (That's what I suffer(ed) from, kind of made progress with it but when things get clustered I get that feeling again. 

 

I made progress when I read a line out of GTD, something in the spirit of... That you don't have to let the business in/water can flow, and it can crash- kind of idea.

 

It reminded me that I can rush without having the feeling of rush inside. Even when I'm tired, and I feel like I need the adrenaline to stay awake, there's also another type of "vigilance/awareness" that does not spike the cortisol levels. 

 

Though I cannot say if I will be able to apply what I have learnt (or at least not right away, or even soon) when I take the plunge into the non-freelance-whenever-I-want--or-internship work life responsibilities.)

 

4 hours ago, Jean said:

I don't know. The classic answer is a bit of each. I don't know if I like the classic answer. I should take charge of my life, decide what matters to me and go for it.

I'm probably over-estimating what is truly necessary for things to hold enough to let me do the stuff I want and still have a roof, some food and an internet connection.

 

Godspeed! Rooting for you, and I'm not alone.

[Jean]

1 hour ago, analoggirl said:

Another possible cause/factor to add to the list:

 

Maybe you have become convinced, that the feeling of the rush is what got you where you are. IF you do not have this feeling, you are afraid you might slack off. (That's what I suffer(ed) from, kind of made progress with it but when things get clustered I get that feeling again. 

 

That too. It's funny when you try to unravel things rather than just letting them happen to you, you just dive into a big cloud of chaos where everything jumps out of the void claiming to be the thing to be addressed right now. I'm confident that I'll get to the point where I'll have it all sorted out but that doesn't mean I  can skip going through it, picking my priorities one at a time and doing the job that needs being done.

 

So, now is the time to dive into the chaos. Familiar place, if not very homely. Thanks for your support, it matters a lot.

 

Also, take care and keep on keeping on, you rock!

[Jean]

Putting this down so I can make something out of it:

 

What I'm feeling these times is being at a loss.

It's being drowned.

 

The immediate feeling part of it is having a real huge pile of files to drive toward completion, more of them very important than I can handle.

 

I can't focus on the very important.

I must focus on the critical.

 

There are, maybe, 3 projects that are critical right now.

 

Important projects can come bite my ass later. Their delaying can interfere with projects that will become critical later.

In any healthy environment, those would need to be dealt with too.

This is not my environment.

In my actual environment, the choice is:

• deal with the critical right now stuff at the exclusion of everything else.
• not get the critial right now stuff done.
• getting out before things take a judiciary turn, letting everybody face their own responsibilities.

I'm still not convinced of it and still operate on a "if I handle these several few things, things will be way better in a few years".

Maybe they will.

Maybe they won't.

They've been this way for 40+ years.

It's important that I don't let my hubris fill me with illusions.

 

The solution must involve:

• me doing my hours: hiding in a corner while the negative worked hours pile up is making things worse.
• me hiking and going to the vineyard.
• me getting convinced that there's no other alternative than dropping everything else to get the critical, right now, stuff done.
• shutting my phone and e-mails down.
• preparing the way I'm going to defend my position and make it very clear that everything comes at a cost and that whatever is being asked of me does have consequence on my ability to make other things progress. People can't have their money and what they'd want to buy with it. Plus, they can't spend all the money they'll ever get in their life in a lump sum at birth.
• informing my employers.
• working on the critical right now stuff until it's done.

 

The bolded part is the one I'm stucked on right now. I keep considering things for what they should be and not as what they are. I know I'm dealing with Hell Mode. I can acknowledge that. It doesn't change a thing: I still have to live in reality and this is my reality.

[Tobbe]

8 hours ago, Jean said:

I can't focus on the very important.

I must focus on the critical.

 

  That's a shitty place to be in!

 

8 hours ago, Jean said:

me doing my hours: hiding in a corner while the negative worked hours pile up is making things worse.

 

Yes, getting even more negative hours is probably not a good idea. But working too many hours is also not a good idea. So I'd say, try to do your hours, but not more. If it starts taking away from your hiking and your tending to the vineyard it's not going to do anyone any good!

[Jean]

So, I'm letting my inner chaos melt with the outer chaos I'm going through and wrap my life in mist and sour cotton candy clouds again. I know what I have to do but I'm afraid to do it, for whatever reason. Life's not perfect, I have to come to terms with it and start moving on. Let's jump back in the cold waters and start swimming.

 

This is my life jacket:

• Start working at 6:30 am.
• Stop at noon, go running, take a 1.5 hour break including a post running shower.
• End working at 16:30. Go to the vineyard, work there, or read, or work out.
• Start working out again. Adaptated academy's 1A/1B will do fine.

Everything else is irrelevant. The worst that can happen is:

• I can get fired: in its current form, my relationship to this work is numbing me and we have good social insurances. I'd have to reinvent myself but, hey! I know I can!
• I can get bankrupt: my family would step in, so it's very unlikely but my pride would take a hit. You know what? My pride can bite it! I can start again from the bottom if needs be.
• I can get prosecuted and go to jail (or be bankrupted - yes, my thinking process goes pretty deep in the dark when I let it): everything going around would see the light of day and we'd have a chance to make this tiny part of the world a better place. It's a net win. Never forget: I can reinvent myself once out of jail.

The frightening part is that I'm here as a result of both fleeing situations and trying to build the life I want. There's no guarantee I can do any better if I try again from scratch and I'm not currently at peace with my life. The answer is focusing on the things I think make my life more aligned with my values and what I want to do with it and embrace the fall if it comes.

 

I'll try to update daily but know I can't be trusted with it so it'll probably be more of a weekly schedule.

 

Have fun with your lives !

 

ETA: I'm playing a little game with myself to know myself better. I know intuitively that there are good things to get out of it but I don't see them for now so I'm just putting here the first part of the sentence I'm trying to complete: "There's darkness inside of me..."

[Jean]

Alright, first loss registered:

• didn't go to work early enough (it was 7 am).
• didn't run at noon (had an unexpected meeting at the end of the morning and I've decided to take lunch with my job partner).
• didn't stop working at 4:30 pm (I'm taking on part of the job of my colleague leading operational teams and I wanted to get feedback after the first day).
• didn't go to the vineyard (was mighty tired with bullshit and decided that since I was, I obviously didn't have to take care of myself - see the problem in my logic, here?).

What I did was:

• work out.
• almost followed my working schedule (I was not that off track with the getting in and out of job thing).
• managed to follow through with whatever I could at work (things are piling up big time).

There's room for improvement, I'll have to tackle it tomorrow.

[Jean]

Second time I'm surrendering:

• went to work at 7 am.
• ate out with work partners, so no running.
• too tired for either vineyard or running in the evening.

Turns out I've accumulated a lot of fatigue and that getting rested should be my number 1 priority so, new focus:

• Lights out by 10 pm. Windows must be open by that time. My teeth must have been brushed.

Let's start back with... basics. I'm sure I can get even more down to basics than that if it appears I have neglected myself even more than what I can imagine.

 

Have fun and see you tomorrow!

[Jean]

Sleeping is hard! xD I went to bed, slept for roughly an hour, woke up, slept for another hour and so on until the morning when I absolutely didn't want to get out of bed and was finally in a state where I may have been able to get some real rest...

 

I took most of the day off but still used that time to torture myself, and not run, and not work out. Trying to use the evening to rest up, we'll see how it goes.

[Renate]

Next time, after the first wake up, try doing some meditation or another?  Maybe a visualisation to order your thoughts? Sometimes it helps to recalibrate. Except if you kept waking up bc you drank too much fluids too late or so

 

 

[Jean]

6 minutes ago, analoggirl said:

Except if you kept waking up bc you drank too much fluids too late or so

 

Hard to define "too late" but too much fluids are starting to get involved and are probably piling up from one day to the other. xD

 

I'm not at the point where I'm really actively wanting to sleep, so I'll probably not muster the will to get into meditation but I'll keep it in mind, thanks.

[cd667]

I totally understand how you feel. It is a constant battle, isn't it?

[Jean]

7 hours ago, cd667 said:

I totally understand how you feel. It is a constant battle, isn't it?

 

It is. Hard to remember the time when life wasn't a constant battle. Luckily, I can see other people enjoying life and human contact, reminding me that feeling constantly drained by human interactions isn't the normal way of being. Thanks for your words.

 

ETA: Woke up at 3:30 am. Took the opportunity to go out for a 20' run/walk as was my original motivator, before I tried to adapt it into my life and gave up on that (I had a new wave of motivation two weeks ago, after my hiking guide courses, seeing people get out at 4 am for a 3h run/walk atop a mountain and had decided I could use my body to actually move from point A to point B).

 

It has also reminded me that when I'm trying to figuratively "climb a mountain" (i.e: do something that feels like too draining and too much), the way to go isn't to bang my head at the bottom of the mountain until I can no more, it is to do other things that charge my batteries and just keep handling life as I can. The purpose isn't to change who I am as a person, I can work out decent solutions when I have to, it is to make so that I actually have energy, which enhances my operative level as a person and lets me work my magic. Working at 40% of my capacities is not right. That 40% allows for "barely good enough but good enough anyway" doesn't make it so. Getting back to 60%, 80% and 100% is worth it.

[cd667]

Apropos of nothing (and with my apologies for crashing your head), these are the things that have worked for me:

 

1. Routine. In my house, there is a cupboard which contains all my devices. When it's time to start work, I put them away. I have no devices for two hours before bed.
2. Rather than feeling bad about things you haven't done, just put them into a list of things you've done, and things you haven't done. Just do as many as you can.
3. Never try to achieve 100% all the time. There is a politician in our country called Michael Gove. He once said in an interview that he expected every school in the country to be above average. You burn out when you try to give everything in one go. Put it another way - if you do short bursts of intense effort and then spend days recovering, you've done far less work than someone who just does 60% every day. When the person who does 60% effort every day pushes themselves, they have far more capacity for work than someone who does hard work then burns out.

 

[Renate]

35 minutes ago, cd667 said:

he expected every school in the country to be above average.

 

Some people really do not get how statistics work/what 'average' means, do they? 😂

[cd667]

1 minute ago, analoggirl said:

 

Some people really do not get how statistics work/what 'average' means, do they? 😂

He also said that "People have had enough of experts", and changed the entire school curriculum so any English teaching could only use books written by British authors. I could go on, but it's not good for my blood pressure.