... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

[Jean]

21 hours ago, Unix said:

Someone is taking you out to shopping? xD

Oh no, it's just that people are so peopley when they shop that I really can't stand it. They walk around not knowing where they're going, stand in the way, are basically oblivious to their surroundings (a constant in society but the more people around, the merrier it gets) and basically just being people. As a reclusive person focused on efficiency, life in crowded places comes with a bunch of frustrations...

 

21 hours ago, Unix said:

For the dark half exercize, pick a timer of 15m. Then find some music that is fits your inner demon.

[...]

And then you try to talk with him. He is everything that you are afraid of and every negative emoctions. But he is on your side, he is part of you. Try to get to know him. For the first times its enough

Thanks for that. The music setting sounds interesting, I'll try to try it (yep, it's recursive for a reason. xD).

 

My inner self isn't really a demon and we're definitely on the same side, trying to make the world a better place. It's mostly that he's reluctant to decide that he has good solutions worthy of being implemented and tends to back down and defer to others when, really, we should grow more confidence. Also, we're talking and joking with each other on a regular basis, I think that's something I'm doing pretty well, actually, though there's still a lot of ways to get better. Accepting to be myself in society is my target. I've received some unwelcome backlash by people in a position of authority that has left some scars I'm trying to heal. I'll get there yet.

 

 

With that being said, the week-end went off tracks quickly. The only things that have been done are sleeping and eating (which are still my main targets so, all in all, it's still a victory but I have to realize that I'm starting from a pretty deep state of tired and can't expect too much too early).

 

• buy a shirt. Yeah, no. Went into the shop, looked at the shirts, didn't find something immediately, went right back out and didn't try another.
• do a good part of my Christmas shopping. Same, I have valiantly run away when I've seen the crowds within the shop. I'm making a list and will go right at the items I want next weekend, no time spent browsing in these circumstances.
• go for a hike. Forcasts are for bad weather so even a small one counts as a win. Yeah, no... I've awoken super stressed this morning, being like "the night is coming early these times, you have to find where you're going to hike and get ready for it!" Then I've decided that waking up stressed with things that must absolutely be done quickly for my life to function is actually a big part of the problems I am currently facing and so fuck that. I'll have to start hiking again a bit further down the line but for now, it's time to get some stress factors out of my life first.

Sunday, December 5:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Didn't run (I let the not hiking take me down enough for giving up on running too).

[Unix]

On 12/5/2021 at 8:36 PM, Jean said:

Oh no, it's just that people are so peopley when they shop that I really can't stand it. They walk around not knowing where they're going, stand in the way, are basically oblivious to their surroundings (a constant in society but the more people around, the merrier it gets) and basically just being people. As a reclusive person focused on efficiency, life in crowded places comes with a bunch of frustrations...

 

Thanks for that. The music setting sounds interesting, I'll try to try it (yep, it's recursive for a reason. xD).

 

My inner self isn't really a demon and we're definitely on the same side, trying to make the world a better place. It's mostly that he's reluctant to decide that he has good solutions worthy of being implemented and tends to back down and defer to others when, really, we should grow more confidence. Also, we're talking and joking with each other on a regular basis, I think that's something I'm doing pretty well, actually, though there's still a lot of ways to get better. Accepting to be myself in society is my target. I've received some unwelcome backlash by people in a position of authority that has left some scars I'm trying to heal. I'll get there yet.

 

 

With that being said, the week-end went off tracks quickly. The only things that have been done are sleeping and eating (which are still my main targets so, all in all, it's still a victory but I have to realize that I'm starting from a pretty deep state of tired and can't expect too much too early).

 

• buy a shirt. Yeah, no. Went into the shop, looked at the shirts, didn't find something immediately, went right back out and didn't try another.
• do a good part of my Christmas shopping. Same, I have valiantly run away when I've seen the crowds within the shop. I'm making a list and will go right at the items I want next weekend, no time spent browsing in these circumstances.
• go for a hike. Forcasts are for bad weather so even a small one counts as a win. Yeah, no... I've awoken super stressed this morning, being like "the night is coming early these times, you have to find where you're going to hike and get ready for it!" Then I've decided that waking up stressed with things that must absolutely be done quickly for my life to function is actually a big part of the problems I am currently facing and so fuck that. I'll have to start hiking again a bit further down the line but for now, it's time to get some stress factors out of my life first.

Sunday, December 5:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Didn't run (I let the not hiking take me down enough for giving up on running too).

 

Doing combat sports and ju jitsu taught me that every single human on earth is the same. 2 legs, 2 arms and one neck. It doesn't matter from where the backlash comes, they are just as human as you. I also watched the fight club yesterday for the first time, so i am pumped xD

[Jean]

37 minutes ago, Unix said:

Doing combat sports and ju jitsu taught me that every single human on earth is the same. 2 legs, 2 arms and one neck. It doesn't matter from where the backlash comes, they are just as human as you. I also watched the fight club yesterday for the first time, so i am pumped xD

Thanks for those words. Sometimes, it's worth it to fight. Sometimes, it's more cost-efficient to heal and deny them any sort of import in your life. I've been working more on the second but could probably use a bit more of the first. Combat sports could do me good (though, yet again, it's going to be one thing at a time so... could be quite a few years before I take a real try at it).

 

Also, I've been reminded that Wednesday is a holiday for half the country, of which I am a part, and not for the other half so I get to spend that Holy day giving in to consumerism lust in crowded protestant malls with my fellows of catholic background. That makes for a welcome reprieve, freeing my next weekend for other activities.

 

Monday, December 6:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Exercised.

Did my work hours.

[Jean]

Ha, mini weekend! Today feels like a Friday, which is great. I'm utterly tired, which is not so great but I get to regroup tomorrow.

 

Tuesday, December 7:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Ran.

Did my work hours.

[vicious]

23 hours ago, Jean said:

Thanks for those words. Sometimes, it's worth it to fight. Sometimes, it's more cost-efficient to heal and deny them any sort of import in your life. I've been working more on the second but could probably use a bit more of the first. Combat sports could do me good (though, yet again, it's going to be one thing at a time so... could be quite a few years before I take a real try at it).

 

+1 for combat sports. I did MMA/BJJ briefly before I got injured, and currently I can't afford it (either the drive to the gym nor the membership). But it's awesome. I hope to get back into it sometime.

[Unix]

On 12/6/2021 at 10:52 PM, Jean said:

Thanks for those words. Sometimes, it's worth it to fight. Sometimes, it's more cost-efficient to heal and deny them any sort of import in your life. I've been working more on the second but could probably use a bit more of the first. Combat sports could do me good (though, yet again, it's going to be one thing at a time so... could be quite a few years before I take a real try at it).

 

Also, I've been reminded that Wednesday is a holiday for half the country, of which I am a part, and not for the other half so I get to spend that Holy day giving in to consumerism lust in crowded protestant malls with my fellows of catholic background. That makes for a welcome reprieve, freeing my next weekend for other activities.

 

Monday, December 6:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Exercised.

Did my work hours.

 

I don't mind consumeristic holidays  chrismas has a special feeling to me

[Jean]

On 12/6/2021 at 10:52 PM, Jean said:

I get to spend that Holy day giving in to consumerism lust in crowded protestant malls with my fellows of catholic background.

Soooo... sloth has replaced lust and I've given up on the idea. Among the activities doing which people are worse than when they're shopping are boarding a train and driving on snow. Today was a snowy day and I've decided not to muster the will to go through that and stayed home, mostly sleeping or sipping tea while watching the snow fall.

 

This feels like an excuse. I also have to change the way I keep accepting to enter the "letting it drop" spiral where not doing a planned activity makes me feel ashamed and drop other necessary activities, including the easy ones (in this case, exercising. It's not an easy activity but the hard part is getting out and hitting the training grounds).

 

I'll have to kick myself in the buttocks, which are not going to get any more deliciously rounded and firmer if I keep going on like this.

 

Wednesday, December 8:

Slept enough (no joke).

Ate enough.

Didn't exercise.

[vicious]

23 hours ago, Jean said:

This feels like an excuse. I also have to change the way I keep accepting to enter the "letting it drop" spiral where not doing a planned activity makes me feel ashamed and drop other necessary activities, including the easy ones (in this case, exercising. It's not an easy activity but the hard part is getting out and hitting the training grounds).

 

This is how my brain works too. Not completing one task will derail everything else. So I try to make a note of which tasks have the greatest impact on my mindset, and I make those the hardest to avoid. For example, the activities that have the most impact on how I feel are working out and eating properly. So I set up a lot of accountability for working out, and when possible, I make it a scheduled thing with a group (e.g. MMA classes or some other regular schedule where other people expect me to show up). That can keep my workouts on track, and that in turn will make me feel more compelled to eat properly for recovery, etc etc.

[Jean]

I like to-do lists since they help me to focus and keep track of the things leading to my actual goals. I'm very terrible at keeping them longterm, though, so I usually end up making a new one every day when I really want to push toward something, which is kind of what I am doing here. Sleeping and eating are basically my targets right now, I know I'll get better and be able to push toward higher targets but for now, this is already a win.

 

3 hours ago, vicious said:

I make it a scheduled thing with a group

I'm terrible at that, though. I'm usually feeling group pressure and ending up dropping it out of anxiety (I guess?). I'm never better than when I'm on my own outside of the view of others. My methods are clunky but they work and I have to trust them more. It's hard for me to go through a dozen trial and errors before meeting a working solution in public, though.

 

Thursday, December 9:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Ran.

Did my work hours.

 

Tomorrow is the real deal, I've got to get on my A game early morning, then it's finding a way to recover while still working in order not to be completely destroyed on Saturday, when I still need to go out shopping in order to have things to gift on Christmas (crafting them myself takes more energy).

[RES]

13 hours ago, Jean said:

when I still need to go out shopping in order to have things to gift on Christmas

is ordering online for pickup or delivery an option for you? I can't stand to be in a store this time of year, being able to order and go pick it up without having to venture into the main part of the store has saved me on several occasions. 

[Jean]

Thanks for the idea. I'm not used with doing it and unfortunately, at this point, I'm too tired to try my will on another system than what I'm used to. That would have been a nice idea, though (even better would be to muster the will earlier and get everything delivered at home, next year). I mostly know what I'm going for so hopefully it won't be too challenging and dealt with quickly.

 

Friday, December 10:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Exercised.

Did my work hours.

[juliebarkley]

3 hours ago, Jean said:

Thanks for the idea. I'm not used with doing it and unfortunately, at this point, I'm too tired to try my will on another system than what I'm used to. That would have been a nice idea, though (even better would be to muster the will earlier and get everything delivered at home, next year). I mostly know what I'm going for so hopefully it won't be too challenging and dealt with quickly.

Best of luck with your Christmas shopping! I'm not done mine, either.

 

(It took me this long to realize you hadn't disappeared entirely, but only took refuge in the battle logs. Glad to find you again!)

[Jean]

I had disappeared entirely. My contingency recall spell brought me here where I'm shaking my fur out of hibernation. Thanks for showing up. 

[Jean]

Shopping done.

 

I'll have to address the issue that I'm always completely tired with headaches most Saturdays at some point but this is not today, nor tomorrow. Also, now is the time to become serious again about my mountain leader training if I want to achieve it. Things always seem to pile up without pause and I am very tired of it. I want them to cool down, but they don't, and no amount of me wanting it changes the load of things that should be done coming my way. The proper way out of it is to work on myself and give no value to what "should" be done in order to only assess what "can" be achieved and at what price.

 

I need to take my head out of the battle and stop handling all the things coming my way in tunnel vision. That means building space for myself to consider the existing options and have them all on the table while moving forward. I'm good at that, but I'm at the bottom of the hole so I don't know how and when I'll finally be able to "think" again, which is my forte, instead of reacting based on urgency. This is all such a big waste of resources and I don't have a way out of it yet. I'm pretty disilusionned at this point.

 

Saturday, December 11:

Didn't sleep enough.

Ate enough.

Ran.

[Jean]

Just writing it here before I forget:

 

Targets for 2022 are:

• revise my housing situation, it must be a welcoming place.
• finish my mountain leader training : achieving the required internships.
• get in touch with my friends, stand stronger with them.
• get acquainted with the dating scene once again, get out and see people.
• practice my physical shape for mountain leader activities : hike regularly.
• set up an internet platform for my mountain leader activities.
• get a few mountain leader hours under my belt (let's say 50 but I'm flexible).
• keep on saving and investing.

Supporting processes are caring for my mental health, sleeping enough, eating enough, drinking enough water, exercising regularly.

 

This is the year when I'm out of financial difficulties and finally have "enough" to go on. I want to get out of the scarcity mentality and fund my life with a focus on happiness and fulfillment.

 

Let's keep tunneling our way out of this year and dance in the wilderness once again. This is where I belong.

 

 

[Jean]

Recurring observation: it's on Sundays' evenings that I finally have energy, physical wellbeing and mental availability for furthering my own projects and getting things done. That means I'm currently sacrificing my ability to better my life. The obvious answer to that would be working at 80% and having 3 days weekends, leaving a full day for my own projects. I don't know how to make that happen (even if my employer does consider that option it wouldn't change my workload and it's the workload that's weighting on my sanity right now).

 

Sunday, December 12:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Exercised.

[Scaly Freak]

2 hours ago, Jean said:

The obvious answer to that would be working at 80% and having 3 days weekends, leaving a full day for my own projects. I don't know how to make that happen (even if my employer does consider that option it wouldn't change my workload and it's the workload that's weighting on my sanity right now).

 

Yeah, you probably really don't want to have that same workload but less time to do the work?

 

I actually came here to share some music... this came up in my "suggested music" feed on YouTube and reminded me of your thread (the visuals of the video more than anything else. Poignant, and powerful.)  I've liked the song for a while, so I may have shared it before, I can't remember. On the off chance that I did... sorry?  

 

 

 

[Jean]

Thanks! That song is in my playlist so maybe it was indeed because it fits the mood of this thread.

 

Speaking of which, I feel like a ranger looking over The Shire. Ever had that feeling that you're loosing sleep trying to protect/take care of people who don't care about their own wellbeing at all? Well, that is the people benefiting from my work in a nutshell. I guess I should stop caring, maybe life is indeed easy afterall.

 

Monday, December 13:

Didn't sleep enough.

Ate enough.

Did my work hours.

Ran.

[Jean]

Tuesday, December 14:

Didn't sleep enough.

Didn't eat enough.

Did my work hours.

Exercised.

[Jean]

Wednesday, December 15:

Didn't sleep enough.

Ate enough.

Did my work hours.

Ran.

[Unix]

Keep it simple

[Jean]

Thanks @juliebarkley for reminding of this post:

Wow, two years, time passes! I can still see where I was but when you're facing a storm of waves, it's hard to remember that the tide is the stronger force behind moving sea waters. I guess it's part of life, seeds pierce the soil to meet the sun and, from there, it's on them to grow and face the world. I can definitely still see freedom but I'll be sharpening my sword and mustering my friends to keep it in reach. xD

 

 

Thursday, December 16:

Didn't sleep enough.

Ate enough.

Did my work hours.

Exercised.

 

Today is Friday, I have slept enough.

[Jean]

Alright, call it hybris but at this point, I'm disappointed there's not more people like me to go around. Everybody should have my skillset, we would so rock the world!

 

Anyway, back to Earth. There's a lot to do, I can see a path forward and I really have to prioritize to get things done. Onwards and Upwards!

 

Friday, December 17:

Didn't sleep enough.

Didn't eat enough.

Did my work hours.

Didn't run.

 

 

[Jean]

Tough day ahead, I'm always making the same mistakes (which are not letting people fend for themselves when they set themselves for screwing up) and still hoping banging my head on the wall will get the wall to break. xD

 

Live and learn, boy, live and learn...

 

Off to do some shopping, some spreadhseeting, some documents finding and some mapping. Fun day ahead!

[Jupiter]

22 hours ago, Jean said:

and still hoping banging my head on the wall will get the wall to break. xD

 

If only a wall was easy to break.  

 

 

Hope tomorrow is better for you.