... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

[Tobbe]

4 minutes ago, Jean said:

Next week is going to be pretty chaotic. I don't know right now how I'll handle it but setting priorities with my boss on Monday should be step one if I want to survive this. I've taken Thursday and Friday out so, if I can get through to Wednesday, that'll mean things will be secure 'till the week after that. I hate living on a week to week basis but it's the best I can manage right now so I'll take what I have.

 

Love to hear how this works out for you. Please keep us updated  

[Jean]

For the record:

 

The situation is that we've gone through with a big project without getting the landowners behind us. We're trying to fix it by communicating a lot now, which takes a lot of time, which my boss doesn't realise.

 

Targets for Monday are:

• get my boss to realise that no other priority than these communications can be met;
   - secondary objective: get him to realise that without money, nothing can be done and the roads are going to collapse during the Spring.
• find someone who can do the electricity check we need to do before the State gets angry about it and hire them;
• finish writing a letter necessary to handle the financiary aspects of this project.
• personal target: call the psychologist and see when we can make an appointment.

Target for Tuesday is:

• write down the minutes of the meetings we've had with the landowners last week.

Targets for Wednesday are:

• prioritise road projects with the other people involved (meeting);
• finish writing down the minutes of the meetings we've had with the landowners last week.

 

[Tobbe]

A TODO-list for the week. I think I might need to do that as well. And share with my wife so she can get a better understanding of what I'm spending all my time on. Thanks for the kick in the a** to get me going!  

[Jean]

My pleasure.

 

It helps me to keep being honest to myself as to what I can do and what I can't (in the time given). I tend to try to fit too many things in any single hour otherwise. It'd be better if I checked out the items I have actually done at the end of each day... but I'm not there yet.

 

Don't forget the time spent "paralized by my thoughts trying to find a way out of it but unable to do so" if you have any. It may look like you're not doing as much as you could do, otherwise, whereas you are actually battling your demons and precisely doing as much as you can do (little or much as that may be).

 

Have fun writing your targets and best wishes for the communication with your wife part.

[Mikey Fitpants]

I hope this week goes well for you Jean. Work sounds terribly demanding for you at the minute. But things never stay the same for ever. At some point your life will move on. Hang on in there.

 

[Jett]

22 hours ago, Jean said:

Much like for bodycare, my problem isn't much a problem of method and much more a problem of not really caring about it but still trying to pretend because the general view in society is one should care. Any chance she tackles this aspect of things?

 

Hmm. She takes an almost... animistic approach. Like your home is a living organism that you are in a symbiotic relationship with. If you take care of it, it also takes care of you. (By being an environment conducive to doing the things you want to do, being a place for you to de-stress, and protecting your stuff, etc.)

 

She doesn't really say it like that, but that's the message I got out of it. Like I said, it sounds kind of strange. But I did find that by thinking about the living environment as being one big "organism", it did change my viewpoint and approach to taking care of it. And the other big part about her method is getting rid of everything that isn't essential to the core of who you are. She calls it "sparking joy". You go through all of your stuff, and ask "does this spark joy for me"? The idea being, if it's something you're holding on to out of guilt or peer pressure, of it's just junk that you never use, the remove it from your life. Fill your house just with the things that make you happy; cut out the things that weigh you down. It does get a little odd for things like socks and cleaning supplies. I'm not exactly joyous about a bottle of Lysol, but I do like that it cleans up cat vomit, so I guess that's a kind of joy, too.

 

For you, I'm not sure what the result of such a method would be. On the one hand, you're already struggling to be in harmony with your own body and tend its needs, so a whole apartment? Thinking of it as an extension of your body may not do any good for you. And on the other hand, if you really got rid of everything that wasn't sparking joy for you... I wonder how much stuff would be left?  It's a really fascinating experience to try to seriously apply her method, because you end up learning about what you actually care about and what's just there because "that's what you're supposed to have".

[Jean]

4 hours ago, Jett said:

on the other hand, if you really got rid of everything that wasn't sparking joy for you... I wonder how much stuff would be left?  

 

OMG! So much nothing. xD On one hand, it's lucky that I am renting it with the furniture, so I would keep the essentials even though it doesn't spark joy in me. On the other hand, I've got several closets full of furniture I must keep but find utterly inefficient in anything it's meant to do (I mean, a bookshelf that can't be used for standard binders? Seriously? (Though, thinking about it, binders do spark joy in me so I'd keep a lot of those).

 

Ok, you've got me. I'm giving it a try this week-end. It looks like an interesting experience and maybe I can get to see  home like my lair from which I'm bound to conquer the world. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

On that topic:

• get my boss to realise that no other priority than these communications can be met;
   - secondary objective: get him to realise that without money, nothing can be done and the roads are going to collapse during the Spring.

So much not done. xD Better luck next time, dude! He was understanding and full of tips, though, but his priorities are a mess!

• find someone who can do the electricity check we need to do before the State gets angry about it and hire them;

Wow, completely forgot about this one past the few hours when I didn't want to call because it was early Monday (and I hate to be called early Monday so I give other people the gift of not doing it myself. Try again tomorrow.

• finish writing a letter necessary to handle the financiary aspects of this project.

Hahahahahahaha!

• personal target: call the psychologist and see when we can make an appointment.

Done! She sounds professionnal enough so I'm looking forward to it. I guess the really important thing got done.

 

Things have been a mess because I had totally forgotten that today was the day my new desk was to be delivered so, I've spent most of the day moving stuff around. On the plus side, this is the first time this year that I do have a workable work environment (it's all been temporary stuff here... temporary stuff there up to now) so, maybe it'll have a positive effect on my productivity.

 

Try again tomorrow?

 

EDIT: Ooooh! Oooh! I totally forgot to mention: one of our suppliers is called Mr. Ganon! This did spark joy into my day. Knowing it's a legitimate name makes days like these worth living.

 

[Tobbe]

10 hours ago, Jean said:

Things have been a mess because I had totally forgotten that today was the day my new desk was to be delivered so, I've spent most of the day moving stuff around. On the plus side, this is the first time this year that I do have a workable work environment (it's all been temporary stuff here... temporary stuff there up to now) so, maybe it'll have a positive effect on my productivity.

 

This can be more important than you might realize.  There's a reason Steve has multiple quests in the NF Academy dedicated to improving you "batcave", and has also written a few articles about it, like this one https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-build-a-batcave-for-habit-change/    It's important how the place you spend most of your time is designed!

[Countess D'If]

17 hours ago, Jean said:

OMG! So much nothing. xD On one hand, it's lucky that I am renting it with the furniture, so I would keep the essentials even though it doesn't spark joy in me. On the other hand, I've got several closets full of furniture I must keep but find utterly inefficient in anything it's meant to do (I mean, a bookshelf that can't be used for standard binders? Seriously? (Though, thinking about it, binders do spark joy in me so I'd keep a lot of those).

 

 

Binders are LIFE!!!

[Jean]

Finally someone understands me!

[Jean]

Time to reflect on my life:

 

I've taken tomorrow and Friday off. This is meant to be the dawn of a 4 days' regenerative holidays with beautiful weather were I just do what I want.

 

Yet, I'm totally down since 3:30 pm.

 

Three things:

•  My boss' political priorities mean that I should have sent him some documents today that I didn't.
•  I've gotten a call from the owner of some land we have some big project on and, when she asked for a meeting but couldn't provide any other day than Friday, I gave in and accepted to make an appointment. I know this is the wrong way to do it. I don't know how not to do it.
•  I've gotten another call from some other land owner affected by the same project. Right now, his land is worth shit but he thinks it's gold and has got some paper proving so (some politician with some land in the same area turned it all into buildable land even though no realistic project could happen there due to the epic slope and some legal restrictions). He can't block the project. I basically could tell him "I don't care" and close the call. I have tried to meet his needs even though that meant messing with the order in which I wanted to do things and missing the other deadline.

 

Right now, I'm tired but can't sleep and I don't know what to do. Writing this down and coming back to it later should help me clear it up.

 

Random thoughts:

• This isn't sustainable.
• I'm doing it because it's too early to quit this job, for experience and for the money.
• I'm giving in to people's demands out of a sense of fairness that isn't the norm around here, that they ought to have in hand what they need to decide what they want to do with what is theirs.
• I've had a chat with someone doing my job on the State level and things don't get better so, career advancement will let me pit against the same monsters which I don't want to fight (because, seriously, fuck it! Being a politician doesn't prevent you to take action when there's a hole in your own roof and you'd repair it with your own money so why should it when you'd have to repair it with other peoples money and you then have to spend a whole year taking the rain in your bedroom because why fix what is broken when you can instead spend money on studying how it could not be repaired?

 

Basically speaking, the feeling of tiredness in my life seems to balance out around two things:

• the way I handle things (learn to say fuck off! and kick butts because why shouldn't people be told that they should actually learn something and evolve for a change?);
• the pressure of my environment (I keep thinking that this project is the reason of my current stress level and it'll get better when it'll have been done but I suspect that it's just a consequence of how things are handled around here and that, as such, it will just get replaced by some other bullshit once it's gone).

 

To say it simply: I can't take this anymore and I'm really, really tired of adapting and evolving and working on myself. Yet, I know there's no other way out than working on myself, even if that means gathering the guts to tell them all to go fuck themselves because if they want to act that iresponsibly, we might as well call a judge right now and let him sort things out.

 

On a side note, I'm feeling much anger and frustration as I write this, yet another sign that things aren't right and I ought to take steps toward a better balance in my life.

 

On another side note: why is this all weighing so heavily on me right now?

 

First add-on: I seem to be unable to really let go. Whenever I feel like I can't do it anymore, I give myself some rest but when I get even a tiny bit of energy back, I refuse to allow myself to regenerate more and instead think I should get back at it immediately. Thought for self: "being above "utterly broken" level doesn't mean you are "fit for work", dude! Learn to set up your environment so that you start fighting on your terms, not loosing battle after loosing battle."

 

Second add-on: This is starting to feel like war. Maybe it isn't the right time for falling back, there might be a winning option (some of it feels like it). I know it's tough but nothing beats clear thinking when it's followed by action. You've got the thinking, work toward the action.

[Tobbe]

Ouch. Lot's of negative thoughts and anger right now  

 

Is there anything you can do to blow off some steam? Myself, I like to go running. Is there anything like that you can do? Or go to your vineyard and do some physical labor. 

[Jean]

Take a bath.

 

I'm denying myself that because I plan to go out and grab my computer and some files from work to work on them when I feel relaxed enough to do so (another bad idea, I know, yet another one that I don't feel I can do without) and I still want to sit and sip some tea before that and I don't want to put real clothes back on after the bath.

[Tobbe]

I was thinking something more aggressive, to blow off the anger. Running, punching a bag, chopping wood, digging a hole... Something like that  

 

After you've done that it's time for the tea, a bath and some relaxing music 

[Tobbe]

But if you have more work to do, do that before anything else!

[Jean]

^^

 

I've quit the office at 3:30 pm because I wasn't worth shit at work anymore. It'd be pointless to try and do some work while I'm utterly unable to do it properly. First regenerate, then the work.

 

I'm also naively thinking that if I push doing it long enough, I'll get into another mindset that considers that off time is off time and fuck it all and I'll deal with it on Monday (which, frankly, may not at all be a bad idea, though it's not my normal frame of mind).

[Tobbe]

29 minutes ago, Jean said:

off time is off time and fuck it all and I'll deal with it on Monday (which, frankly, may not at all be a bad idea, though it's not my normal frame of mind).

 

That's an awesome idea! 

[Mikey Fitpants]

Jean, it really does sound like you need to talk to someone. I went through a rough time last year and really got my head in a bit of a mess for a whole number of reasons - a bit of a perfect storm. I went to see a counsellor who was basically just someone impartial who would mainly listen as I got out all the confused and frantic thoughts that were forever swirling around my brain. It's like my brain was on fire for months.

 

Along with that I did a couple of things like withdrew from some of my friends lives and their problems, got rid of a couple of my clients for work, put a couple of projects on hold for a while, asked a friend for some help with tidying and de-cluttering some of my house. All of these things simplified my life and have helped me get back in control of my mind.

 

Find some to talk to, ask a friend to help, jettison some bad stuff if poss, mentally accept to delay certain things for a while until you're in a better place, no doubt there are other things you could do to be a bit kinder to yourself right now. I'm sure you will get through these difficult times   

[Jean]

Thanks! Sorry you had to go through that and really glad you got through it!

 

Counselling is appointed for Tuesday (she could take me on short notice, which is great!). I'm not expecting too much out of it but that's a clean place for me to reflect on things, so it should help.

 

Then, it's all about working on the way I handle my environment. Some customization to do (separate my private and professionnal phone numbers), some standards to set (hello! My time is important too, let's trade some emails if we can't meet in person). A future to prepare (june 2020 is when I'll get an ability to switch it all if I so desire - debt repaid, possibility to switch house, 2 years in the same station allowing it not to look too bad on a résumé,...).

 

I still don't like who I have to become to get throuh this all but let's grow up! I can't live on princes and unicorns 'till I die. Time to buckle my swash!

[Tobbe]

Some solid advice there from @Mikey Fitpants! I really like the idea of bringing in a friend to help clean up the house

[Jean]

Thinking  a bit more about it, I can feel blockades in my mind. It's like there are those things that I could do that would unlock things and let me live my life properly but that I seem to be utterly unable to make a move toward doing.

 

So, big doors. The question is, do I get through the rogue's way (picking the locks), the warrior's way (bashing them open until they surrender) or the wizard's way (knocking and waiting for them to open)?

 

I've mostly tried to bash them into submission, until now, going mainly the psyching-myself-up raging barbarian's way. It's not working. I'm standing here wasting my off days while a one hour effort could unlock them all. I can't seem to see a lock on them, though. I'd rest to renew spells but rest is one of those things that is behind the doors...

 

Edit: The thief's way, then. Steal rest from behind the doors, renew my spells and charm the doors into opening... call me a bard without a lute.

 

Add-on: my passives seem to be alright, it's my active abilities that are a mess. Especially my focusing too much on tracking the result of my passives, which is doing fine by itself and should let me plenty of time to actually live.

 

2nd add-on: I take a day off, shut off my phone because I get a professionnal call at 8:22 am already, put it on again in the evening and... 8 different missed calls... no wonder I'm feeling like all hells got loose lately and things require constant attention... on a side note, I'm down again and could really benefit from making a few things before tomorrow, easing tomorrow afternoon and Monday a lot.

 

3rd add-on: Anger speaking: I want to be able to go to bed and sleep without having a whole bunch of undone things weighing on my mind every single day, dammit! I bloody want that my off days be off days, doing what I want with no pressure from this bloody work and I seriously want my fucking town to stop thinking that now is the time to finish every goddam project they've started and let rot for 10 years.

 

Now, to work on my anger management...

[Jean]

A'rright! One phone call, one meeting and my day is done. Going to the office to get the work done was the right call: I couldn't have worked from home and I now have a free mind to enjoy the weekend.

 

I still kinda wish I could have avoided this all so this is something for me to work on to prevent from happening again.

[Tobbe]

47 minutes ago, Jean said:

a free mind to enjoy the weekend.

 

Yay! So great to hear!

[Jean]

You know what's a funny thing to contemplate?

 

Waking up destroyed, going through the day as you can and going to bed feeling like everything is fine.

 

Maybe I do worry too much.

Maybe there's cause for worry and I'm running on a small battery with quick recharge (it does look that way a lot).

 

The later would be good news: if I can regenerate enough to expand my battery, then I am off to a great life.

 

We're not there yet, though. Pretty sure next week will see my battery be depleted several if not all working days.

But this is neither now nor here. Now is sleeping then some productive time on the vineyard.

Here is home. And home is where the mind rests.

 

Have a great night/day/evening people!

[Dark_Mother]

Hiya Jean,

 

You're absolutely right. Worrying about something you cannot change is exhausting. I used to work morning shifts starting at 4 am, and at night, upon considering my early start, I would become exhausted. What's funny though is after having worked a morning shift, if the next day was a day off, I was filled with energy and could stay up until midnight.

 

That truly is good news.  Is there something you could do on your break(s) to recharge your battery? If you're in charge of your time management, might you be able to plow through your hardest obstacles while your battery is full and coast through easier tasks as it tapers off?

 

I don't understand when you say waking up destroyed. An old man once told me that at the end of the day, I am my own boss. That work, even a career, is a means to an end, and the only person that needs to be pleased with my effort is myself. Same for you! You're probably doing much better than you credit yourself! <3