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... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

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2 hours ago, cd667 said:

"People have had enough of experts",


I mean, that is true but that is not a reason to not listen to experts. :D  People have also had enough of taxes... 

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Sooo, life is a funny thing. Did you know you can get through it all, have all the trappings of success, and yet never have lived, always waiting for better times to act like you belong to where you are? I'm sure you can, I'm on that track, and it is not acceptable.


I'll take things back slowly, because slowly is all I can. Next challenge:


I may or may not be semi-active on these boards. Focusing on myself and not worry is part of what I need to go on. Thanks for being there.

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On 7/23/2020 at 8:52 AM, cd667 said:

(and with my apologies for crashing your head)


There is no crashing, there are useful tips for which I thank you. That politician really knows how to get 150% out of people! I'm sure it all panned out for the best, surely, more people have been better than average under his treasured guidance. xD


Edit: By the way, I'm searching for very practical things to do during half-hours chunks that I'd use to value myself more and not care about the rest of the world. The internets gives me only vague ideas ("don't compare yourself to others, start appreciating" Thanks Sherlock!). If you have any suggestion of practical small things that wouldn't have me think but rather do (example: sip a cup of tea with delightful pleasure), I'd gladly read from them. I know you (general you for all the people reading this, thanks mates!) have already shared some on this thread and my challenges but I can use a reminder.

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I'll be using this place as a sanity diary, I feel I need it these days. This is mostly writing for and to myself but feel free to drop in if you want.


Many people around (more than I can handle) seem to be breaking out and I can't figure out why.

  • People feel like they are subject to poor leadership -> I'd have to look into their boss and potentially tackle it up front. Evaluate the failings in both the boss' and the subordinates' behaviors. Be factual, hard and fair. Don't take their external situation into account. Set expectations and let them decide if it is worth it to try and reach them or accept consequences. I don't have time for it. Is it critical? Maybe. What would I have to sacrifice to do it now? Would be late on my projects. Order of priority: security (two projects) then human behavior. Time for getting the security emergencies off the table, 3 months. I'm tackling the human resources situation by November 1st.
  • I've taken upon myself to handle a situation that shouldn't fall under my portfolio and is going awry. It is going awry because nobody handles it in its globality. Here again, it requires tackling human behavioural problems and being hard, but fair. Things are getting bad because of a lack of leadership. This is getting out of hand and I may drown in it if I am not wary.
  • In order to handle these human relationship situations, I need to be on top of my game. This is priority #1. That means:
    • Sleep.
    • Taking care of my physical appearance:
      • Clothing (choice of clothing and maintenance) -> got to buy shoes on Saturday. Two pairs. Don't be cheap.
      • Hygiene -> Mouth! There are many empty spaces between my teeth for food to get stuck there. I'm not currently able to build a flossing habit -> buy an electric toothbrush. Choose a proper model. See how it goes.
      • Hygiene -> Shave and trim beard in the morning. Look extra sharp!
      • Car -> Keep it ordered, empty it from time to time, keep the interiors clean.
      • Home -> Be able to welcome people at any time. Have a room for my mess that I can leave in whatever state I want but do keep everything else in a welcoming state. That means ordered and clean.
  • Get organized at work:
    • Get a map of the area, pin every project on it.
    • Get a white board, mark every project on it with a priority number.
    • Categorize my emails with folders:
      • To do.
      • To file.
      • Never to be done -> lack of resources or importance.
    • Send an acknowledgement of receipt for every mail and email coming in. Don't take any commitment in it, the demand can be classified as "not important enough to be ever handled with current resources" even if important level stuff ends up on that list and only critical stuff ever gets a chance to get handled.
    • The Inbox must be empty when I leave work. Everything must be categorized.
    • My hours must be registered when I leave work. Everything needs to be written down.
  • Yes, it does suck to have to get extra sharp because most people around (everybody but three) are indulging themselves. No, it doesn't matter. What matters is what I want my life to be and if I want to both let myself fall in complacency and take the risks other people are taking or if I want to take charge of my life which, right here and now, means taking charge of my environment - including the people in it.
  • Yes, stating "I acknowledge that your problem is important but it won't be handled under the current circumstances, here's the person you can write to if you are not happy with my decision, have a good day and goodbye" is an acceptable answer. Better than anything that would let them think things would get handled when they won't.
  • This serves no purpose if I don't have a life. Hopefully, it should build itself on these grounds. Upping my game could also bring good things for me personally.


Edit: I have been able to figure out why: I'm surrounded by children. People around here have been entitled because everybody does what they want, people don't take charge of the situation they're in and, instead, complain, a lot. There are very few adults around and they're in over their head. I have to take special care to actually behave like an adult myself, and not a child, and we have to figure out a way of getting things in a more manageable state with the other adults around, or I have to get out of it while I still have my sanity.


2nd Edit: My own child behaviour is sitting with my hands over my eyes, pretending problems won't find me if I turn off my phone and don't see anybody. I have to take charge of that and look what's coming to me in the eyes. I don't have to react at this time, but I have to take it in and let it slide. Live in the world, not outside of it. I can pat myself on the back for having done just that yesterday evening. I've handled two related meetings after that quite well today, though I haven't been harsh enough and have still given in to requests I know I don't have time to handle. Time is my most valuable resource. Everything needs to be optimized around it.


3rd Edit: Actual classification to set up:

  • Critical -> stuff to do.
  • Important and other stuff that doesn't matter enough to get handled -> stuff that won't be done.
  • Important stuff that'll facilitate human relationships and ultimately help me deal with the critical stuff -> stuff to keep in mind and potentially prioritize as part of my global strategy to get stuff done.
  • Done and needs to get filed -> stuff to give to administrative staff to file so that it won't get lost to the eons of time.


4th Edit: Financials: this feels a bit sour because, once again, it will require my resources when I was finally starting to be in a shape to set some money aside. Much like in my professional life, it feels like all my financial resources are fully deployed at any given time. I have no allocation to "reserve" that could be deployed to back up any given situation that needs it. This should be handled in the same way I am now trying to handle my professional situation, meaning I have to organize things, set up a system and define priorities. I feel that I am ready for it but either don't have enough resources pouring in or have too many drains taking it out. There's not much I can do but wait it out 'till November. This is mentally draining. I don't know how to manage not to think about it until I can actually have a grasp on it (there are two big expenses that'll require all my spare resources until then so I don't have much of a margin to handle the situation differently).


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I just wrote my own log entry here. What an idiot.


Good goals, @Jean.


What I would say about your own child behaviour (switching phone off, ignoring stuff) is that you need to remember to do that regularly. The trick is to switch off at the right time. For me, if I don't switch off, my ability to work well is lessened the next day.


Compartmentalising work and home is really important. Almost no-one is important enough to be needed all the time.

Edited by cd667
Meant to add that post to my own log!
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Sanity journal entry:


The situation is such that the margin for error is very thin:

  • Give too much importance to something and other things get dropped and forgotten.
  • Prioritize the wrong things and people will come down complaining that stuff hasn't been done, with cause.
  • Take things too much at heart and risk:
    • Burning myself out trying to reach everything.
    • Experiencing despair due to failure to achieve things that are important to me (they really are important, I still have to learn that they don't matter enough to make it to the top of the list)
    • Giving in to requests that are not critical, find myself unable to achieve them and disappoint the people to whom I should have said it straight that "What you are asking for won't be done and it's up to you to deal with it, in any way you want to".
    • Giving up altogether.


Another line of reasoning: it's our national foundation Holiday today. People are everywhere around here, we've allowed some people to hold festival stands, our farmers are parading with their cows... Helloooo Covid-19! There are people everywhere and I hate that. I also hate that my landlords are getting to the end of their apparent sixth week of holidays in a row and I have no idea if they're going for a seventh after that. There is both jealousy and inhability to understand the priorities of these people in me.


I'm not a very outgoing person. I can enjoy a party once in a while, I like a nice barbecue with friends in a sunny garden, I love dreaming awoken with friends around some drinks but all these resources and needs going toward events and nightclubs and festivals when there's a bloody pandemic going around really does get on my nerves. Partying and meeting together seem to be huge priorities around here and they don't match with mine. I don't understand how we can use our resources on these kinds of events when we could be fighting poverty, epidemics and starvation.


The questions are:

  • Can I affect my environment enough that we handle the issues I really care about with efficiency despite living our lives like Saturday's night partying is a human right that should never be given up (steamroller approach to life: use enough energy to overpower whatever's in front of you, until it works)?
  • Do I want to change myself to feel more balanced in this "partying is important" environment?
    • Can I work on myself enough to no longer resent people partying during a global, highly viral pandemic?
  • Can I change environment enough not to be in contact with people sharing different values than mine?
    • What are the defining traits of a place I could call "somewhere I'd want to live"?
    • What kind of working environment do I want to live in?
    • With what kind of people do I want to pursue relationships and what kinds of people do I want to keep. the. fuck. out. of. my. life.?


No answer for now, I'll simply try to survive today so that I can fucking reclaim my mountains and let the people who want to live in the city but party in the mountains spreading their viruses around go home to their life. (The anger with which I have written that last sentence tells me I haven't chosen the right place to live in: having lots of people coming in to party is a defining trait of this village. It was before I got here so it's mine to either adapt or leave. I'll think about it while out of survival and anger mode).


Edit because it's important that I remember it when I'll be in a better mental space: This is a holiday for me, I'm meant to be 100% free to do whatever I want with my time and it's still a day that I'm living as oppressive and that I can't wait for it to be over. I can't live my life having periods on my own free time being time I just don't want to live. I could just as well die right now if this is how I intend to live my life. It is damn important that I figure out how to organize my work (I do have some unpaid obligations toward my work today, that I didn't have to take on but that seemed logical and just humane to me) AND the rest of my life so that time that is my own gets to be time I value and actually use for myself.

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Putting it here not to forget: the actual goals are (in that order):

  • protect my sanity
  • build a good mental space and physical shape
  • build financial sturdiness
  • cultivate purpose

I know I'm on my way and making progress, it's just I may be piling too many things too early and it's using up all my energy and attention. Things should get better by the end of the year. Next steps:


  • Moving in September (call to visit new appartments on Monday!).
  • Paying my taxes (take steps to have enough money on the side to fulfill all my obligations!)
  • Preparing the next session of my course, including a bivouac (get back on What's App even though you hate it to keep in touch with the other participants! Can't wait for that to be over too (the need for What's App part, not the other participants and lessons one - not being able to choose my tools and means of communications is a big hurdle to me)).
  • Getting the professional stuff that needs to get done done, focusing on the legal process and letting other demands slide over it.


ETA: putting it here to get it out of my nerves:

F**** Facebook!

F**** What's and similar App(s)!

F**** Constant stimulations with tens of alerts anytime anybody posts anything because everybody reacts in the next two seconds.


I want my communication to let me choose when to tackle it. I know I'm old school but why throw away and replace what works? Group communication? Meet for a drink or emails. Urgent thing? Phone call. Personal communication? Come home for a drink and some cheese and dried meat. No, I don't have to communicate everything. No, not everything you display interests me. Most often, the news in and of themselves bear no interest to me: what matters is the time that we spend together. Take more time, communicate more personally and give it time.

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3 hours ago, Jean said:

No, not everything you display interests me. Most often, the news in and of themselves bear no interest to me: what matters is the time that we spend together.


Wow! This is something I need to contemplate. I'm often frustrated with the meaningless things people talk about. With me and/or each other. But maybe, as you say, it's the time spent together that's important, not the actual words. Definitely food for thought

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