... "Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'"

[Jean]

Sunday, November 21st:

Went out to run.

Didn't sleep enough.

Didn't eat enough.

 

Buckled up and ready to go. This week's got nothing on me.

 

 

[Unix]

i wish i had the problem of not eating enough lol As i heard in a song "Spin the wheel of fortune or learn to navigate"

[Jean]

1 hour ago, Unix said:

learn to navigate

This.

 

Also, be kind with yourself, but not complacent. Sinking in itself isn't a failure, sinking and letting oneself drown is. Winning or not has nothing to do with how many times or how hard we fall but it has all to do with getting back up one more time than we've fallen.

 

Monday, November 22th:

Oh boy, what a day! I'm glad I'm through with it but, astonishingly enough, I'm not really tired. Guess there were a lot of things to be done but none of them was too spiritually crushing. Dealing with things we can handle is nice.

 

Did exercise.

Didn't eat enough.

Didn't sleep enough (like, at all).

Did my work hours (and then some).

 

 

[Jean]

Well, it's working. Seems I'm gaining influence in my work environment, which feels odd and triggers some impostor syndrom responses, especially since I'm in a "need for rest" situation that makes me feel like I'm performing way below my 100%. The counterpart is that I'm feeling a bit of exploited too, which  helps me feel good with whatever I achieve under current circumstances. Life... eh?

 

Tuesday, November 23rd:

Did run.

Ate barely enough, but enough.

Didn't sleep enough (oh man, what wonders would happen with one month of recovering and building myself a life?)

Did my work hours.

 

This one is for the music only which I find vers soothing:

[Jean]

Thinking about what this changes to my situation, in order to optimize my input. The remaining points I have to work on are:

• my financial situation: the purpose is to find a way to leverage my job situation for this one.
• my availability (time and energy): same, leveraging my job situation to have more flexibility while basically providing the same or better outputs at work (because of more availability).
• my efficiency: focus on getting more organized, delegate, handle tasks in a way that gathers good will in order to increase my ability to delegate more.

I guess the way to start optimizing that is to take a low pressure day at work, do some organizing stuff and get readier for what's coming next. We're Wednesday, I can use that day for that. Tomorrow will be used to complete the required tasks for the week and Friday to reassess the situation and make a plan anchored in reality for moving forward. The real goal is to be ready for my next evaluation, whenever that may be, and have accrued enough political capital in order to get the flexibilization I'm aiming for.

 

Edit: alright, feels weird. For the people in a position of leadership reading this, I'd love to hear from you by PM (the stake is growing a one man structure into a full (small) department with influence over the rest of the organization). Thanks and enjoy your day!

[Jean]

Turns out it was just that everything is going awry and I'm the only one semi-holding on and knowing what I'm doing.

 

I'm taking it as a testament to my resiliency, though it's less flattering than having it being due to my legendary leadership skills. Live and learn, I guess...

 

Wednesday, November 24th:

Did exercise.

Ate enough.

Didn't sleep enough.

Did my work hours.

 

[Scaly Freak]

11 hours ago, Jean said:

I'm taking it as a testament to my resiliency, though it's less flattering than having it being due to my legendary leadership skills. Live and learn, I guess...

 

Resiliency is a hell of a lot more difficult to learn than Leadership skills, and more difficult to retain as well.

 

Being a badass is not the sort of thing you should describe as "less flattering" when you look back on it and reflect on it. You persevered. Own it and flip off anyone who tries to belittle your efforts.

 

As for being in a Leadership position, and the inevitable impostor syndrome that comes with that, I'm in an unofficial one and I'm still growing into it, but I'm happy to compare notes and brainstorm over PMs if you're interested.

[Jean]

You are, of course, right. I guess the constent urge of "no rest and push on" that I've adopted in the current circumstances led me to think that, while resiliency is paramount and fundational, leadership comes on top of it and I shouldn't "restrain" myself to simply being resilient? My mental image for it is that resiliency is a passive trait: you stay firm while taking beatings, but in order to shine, one has to put up a fight of their own (which wouldn't be possible without resiliency). I mean, are there really people with leadership who fold and hide at the first sign of hardship? (Edit: now that I think about it, I'm very afraid there are and that is why we are screwed.)

 

I'll probably take you on on your offer for brainstorming (and thanks for that too), though I'll let my brain rest a bit before that. I... feel a bit lost in my surroundings right now to the point of starting to feel I'm the one with a broken view of the situation. It feels a bit weird to just see things nobody else notices time and time again, while they feel kind of obvious to you (and as such, are pretty hard to explain to those who don't see them). Who knows, maybe I'm the one hallucinating.

 

Anyway:

 

Thursday, November 25th:

Did run.

Didn't eat enough.

Didn't sleep enough.

Did my work hours.

 

The end of the week is pretty close, one more under my belt. Then taking a breath and diving again...

[Scaly Freak]

4 hours ago, Jean said:

I'll probably take you on on your offer for brainstorming (and thanks for that too), though I'll let my brain rest a bit before that. I... feel a bit lost in my surroundings right now to the point of starting to feel I'm the one with a broken view of the situation. 

 

That's normal. Questioning your own perspective comes with the territory when growing into something. It'll pass, one way or another.

 

And no rush. Just send me a PM when you're ready, I'll be around.  

[Jean]

Hey, it's Black Friday! May we introduce you to our new offer "Win a battle, get 3 new battlefields for free!" ? It's free, it's cheap, you don't have a way out of it! Sprinkled with people wanting to do things the right way! The time consuming way! The expensive way! While the fundations you're building on are... well, not the right way!

 

No time to get this offer before midnight? Fear not! It remains available and will hound you on Monday and everyday after that until you have tackled it! We have packaged this offer tailored specifically for you, because we care.

 

Enjoy!

[Jean]

A'right, I'm alive and breathing and nobody can take me down unless I let them. Things could be worse, let's make them better.

 

Friday, November 26th:

Did exercise.

Didn't eat enough.

Didn't sleep enough.

Did my work hours.

 

We're nearing the end of the month, I'll be challenged in the near future. Brace yourself, little soldier, be firm and don't give out what people should have to pry off your hands (well, they really should not have any business even thinking about trying to pry anything out if they had any manners but let's just focus on having them discover why you shouldn't pick a fight with a warrior).

 

Edit: or:

 

[Jean]

Saturday, November 27th:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Did run.

[Jean]

One more week ahead. I'm pretty tired (it usually does that when I let my body enter into recovery mode for a few (but too few) days) and I don't see a path forward. Digging a tunnel head on, I'm trusting the direction I'm on, we'll see what is outside of this hole when we get there.

 

Sunday, November 28th:

Did rest enough.

Did eat enough.

Exercised.

 

Feels like a time for the burnout anthem once again:

 

Edit:

No need to overthink this, the path forward hasn't changed:

• survive until the end of the year ;
• take some time to recover ;
• check my finances, I need 6 months of expenses available to be able to launch a self-employed venture (still a bit afraid to take the dive, not sure I'll go for it but at least, the option will be there) ;
• finish my mountain leader training, that means internships -> finding the strength to find them, this will have to be done in overdrive mode.

 

The alternative is finding a job allowing to work part time (target is 80%) with a corresponding workload (most 80% jobs I've found so far had a 100%-120% workload attached to them, this is not what I'm going for...)

 

Edit 2:

As a reminder for my future self: what's really disrupting me are multiple events having trouble fitting in the same schedule, without time to prepare for the next one after the first (edit 3: that and not being able to take time for myself/recovering without it adding difficulties in my week - so, stress and way too busy schedule, basically - I hate that). My way out of it is getting more organized and gaining freedom. For example, there's very, very few I could have done to avoid the hellish piling up happening today, that falls under the freedom part. It's part of having had no financial leeway and job stress with the requirement to plan meetings for multiple people with busy schedule (some of which couldn't care less). I need to gain height to avoid that, that is, we need to remediate to the situation of our organization (a 2 year project if I'm being optimistic) and I need to gain influence so that my own schedule takes more importance when scheduling these meetings.

 

All in all, it all feels bottomless and not very worth it. There's just too much to do with too little resources and too few gratitude. The problem is, I don't see a good alternative option as of now, which is kind of the story of my "recent" life and why I'm in this situation in the first place. I'm tired of climbing but there's no way around this mountain but up. It's just... well, tiring. I'm tired.

 

Edit 4: yep, just tired of this shit and wanting to take some rest, is all.

 

Edit 5: struggling with the concept of "home": there's no place I consider safe in my life because there's no place holding on without an ongoing fight. Is that normal? Do people usually have a place to rest where they can stay and relax without having it being challenged?

 

Edit 6: is that because I am fighting on my own? Next step would be gathering my team of friends again to tackle the world together (Edit 7: which is difficult to do in my current state of mind and tiredness, which would mean I first need to rest, which I can't and which brings us back to square one... rargh! I'm tired of just having to push on for yet another few months and not finding another way out).

 

 

Edit 8:

The bottom line is that "tomorrow" is a shitty day and I don't want to live it.

 

Edit 9:

Alright, I almost have a battleplan. Let's call it that and roll with the punches.

[Jean]

Ha! I'm alive and we'll leave it at that. No running today, I'm going to bed.

 

Monday, November 29th:

Sleep!? What is that?

Food? Never seen one, do you mean coffee?

Didn't run.

Didn't do my work hours.

 

I get to fight another day and that means things went about as well as they potentially could.

[Jean]

Fighting another day works, I have some energy back for yet another fight.

 

Tuesday, November 30th:

Slept enough.

Didn't eat enough.

Did exercise.

Did my work hours.

 

Edit: A'right gals and lads, we're gonna rock this world and the way toward that, right now, is sleep. G'night and sweet dreams!

[Unix]

I had a hard time too lately. But managed to wake up today. Don't give up!

[Jean]

11 hours ago, Unix said:

Don't give up!

Nevaaaaaaaar!

 

 

This is actually one of my core qualities, even if I don't show nearly enough appreciation for it (right @Scaly Freak? ) :

• Never stay down, always move forward, crawling if that's all I've got.
• Layering my view of the future on top of reality and leveraging the results of my future successes to fuel my current fights.

 

It's a pretty potent combo, very hard not to keep hope and the will to go on even in the darkest nights. The key is to pick a direction and stay focused, you don't need to see the open plains to know the spiky viney forest you're struggling in has an edge. Keep going mostly straight and you'll reach there, even if all you see around are dark trees.

 

Speaking of which, let's take an objective view for a second:

• I'm still standing and in a position to fight whatever befalls me, and bring the fight to whatever I choose if I choose to focus all my remaining energy toward it.
• Through 5 years of struggle without loosing sight of the target, I've achieved financial success, which, while only at its start, should only get better going on.
• I have pursued mountain leader training along a very stressfull professional career path and am in a good position to be able to keep pursuing them both successfully.
• I have a lot of agency and soft power which nobody truly contests.

 

Now, I feel depleted most of the time and may not be able to keep going on force marching like that for much longer, but I don't need to. What I now need is to successfuly handle the switching of gears into a more comfortable progress path as I gain assertiveness and get better at leveraging my social capital. I've been a soldier and this has served me well, now's the time to use the mind I have steeled through that experience and become a very sexy and efficient special agent. Little Butterfly will get to leave the chrysalis behind. It is painful, as it should be, but I get to fly. That's a pretty intoxicating feeling.

 

 

Wednesday, December 1st:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Ran.

Did my work hours.

 

Edit: I've just discovered this song and I love it! It is truly a very difficult thing, yet a very beautiful one, to be able to simply be around another being, and accepting that they are too. Hope I'll reach there someday.

 

 

[Jean]

Thursday, December 2nd:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Did exercise.

Did my work hours.

[Unix]

On 12/1/2021 at 8:50 PM, Jean said:

Nevaaaaaaaar!

 

 

This is actually one of my core qualities, even if I don't show nearly enough appreciation for it (right @Scaly Freak? ) :

• Never stay down, always move forward, crawling if that's all I've got.
• Layering my view of the future on top of reality and leveraging the results of my future successes to fuel my current fights.

 

It's a pretty potent combo, very hard not to keep hope and the will to go on even in the darkest nights. The key is to pick a direction and stay focused, you don't need to see the open plains to know the spiky viney forest you're struggling in has an edge. Keep going mostly straight and you'll reach there, even if all you see around are dark trees.

 

Speaking of which, let's take an objective view for a second:

• I'm still standing and in a position to fight whatever befalls me, and bring the fight to whatever I choose if I choose to focus all my remaining energy toward it.
• Through 5 years of struggle without loosing sight of the target, I've achieved financial success, which, while only at its start, should only get better going on.
• I have pursued mountain leader training along a very stressfull professional career path and am in a good position to be able to keep pursuing them both successfully.
• I have a lot of agency and soft power which nobody truly contests.

 

Now, I feel depleted most of the time and may not be able to keep going on force marching like that for much longer, but I don't need to. What I now need is to successfuly handle the switching of gears into a more comfortable progress path as I gain assertiveness and get better at leveraging my social capital. I've been a soldier and this has served me well, now's the time to use the mind I have steeled through that experience and become a very sexy and efficient special agent. Little Butterfly will get to leave the chrysalis behind. It is painful, as it should be, but I get to fly. That's a pretty intoxicating feeling.

 

 

Wednesday, December 1st:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Ran.

Did my work hours.

 

Edit: I've just discovered this song and I love it! It is truly a very difficult thing, yet a very beautiful one, to be able to simply be around another being, and accepting that they are too. Hope I'll reach there someday.

 

 

 

I have to say that getting motivation from a kelly clarkson song is pretty unusual but why not, if it works

 

Are you trying goal setting tecniques? 

 

Aaaaand, i have to say that i always liked this one from her 

 

  

[Jean]

1 hour ago, Unix said:

I have to say that getting motivation from a kelly clarkson song is pretty unusual but why not, if it works

There is battle and fighting spirit on the way but my ultimate goal is peace of mind, harmony and wholesome and simple being, without wearing masks or imprinted outside behaviors. This song reflects that perfectly.

 

I also like Beth Crowley, would this song be fitting (Nightcore's version for a bit more rythm)?

 

Because, while my ultimate story is one of befriending myself,  I also certainly aim to build a place for people like me where we'll feel safe and no outside perturbation will have their way, lest they get to learn just how inadequate they are in the face of people who have been shaped by hardship.

 

1 hour ago, Unix said:

Are you trying goal setting tecniques? 

Maybe? I don't know. I'm not really going with outside techniques, I'm very awful at sticking with them. I usually set a whole slew of goals in front of me, all on some path toward a few long term targets, and then I accomplish those I can while using the beacons I've put on the way to regularly check I'm still going in my chosen direction and not chasing red herrings. It has worked good enough so far.

 

1 hour ago, Unix said:

Aaaaand, i have to say that i always liked this one from her 

Yaaaaay! Happiness and wholesomeness all around! Beware Evil, for we will conquer you with hugs and smiles! You will NOT be able to resist.

[Jean]

And another week down. I've got some energy left, goals for the weekend are:

• buy a shirt.
• do a good part of my Christmas shopping.
• go for a hike. Forcasts are for bad weather so even a small one counts as a win.

 

Friday, December 3rd:

Slept enough.

Ate enough.

Ran.

Did my work hours.

[Unix]

23 hours ago, Jean said:

There is battle and fighting spirit on the way but my ultimate goal is peace of mind, harmony and wholesome and simple being, without wearing masks or imprinted outside behaviors. This song reflects that perfectly.

 

I also like Beth Crowley, would this song be fitting (Nightcore's version for a bit more rythm)?

 

Because, while my ultimate story is one of befriending myself,  I also certainly aim to build a place for people like me where we'll feel safe and no outside perturbation will have their way, lest they get to learn just how inadequate they are in the face of people who have been shaped by hardship.

 

Maybe? I don't know. I'm not really going with outside techniques, I'm very awful at sticking with them. I usually set a whole slew of goals in front of me, all on some path toward a few long term targets, and then I accomplish those I can while using the beacons I've put on the way to regularly check I'm still going in my chosen direction and not chasing red herrings. It has worked good enough so far.

 

Yaaaaay! Happiness and wholesomeness all around! Beware Evil, for we will conquer you with hugs and smiles! You will NOT be able to resist.

 

 

To befriend yourself i actually challenge you to try my split personality tecnique  Since i am doing it i am starting to feel a self of self worth and acceptance, and love towards myself that i have never felt before.

 

I liked that song, it kinda reminded me of a trance song that i loved. Too bad that this one is tied to my ex, but i still love it

 

 

[Jean]

12 hours ago, Unix said:

To befriend yourself i actually challenge you to try my split personality tecnique  

I'll need specific instructions but why not? My way of doing it is keeping my eyes open and looking the monster within in the eyes. It's a monster, but it's a grand one. Accepting to let it shine is the hard part for me.

 

Marianne Williamson's "Our deepest fear" really defines me:

 

I've been scared by the light of what I could achieve if I let myself go for it. The allure of normalcy is a powerful attractor, I'm getting better with regards to that.

 

Edit: also, people here have helped a lot with letting the Monster out. Thanks!

[Jean]

Well, it doesn't look too good for being active this weekend. It seems I've yet a lot to recover from and have absolutely not the patience to deal with my fellows human beings during shopping time...

 

Saturday, December 4:

Slept enough (that was the activity of the day! ).

Ate enough.

Did exercise (barely, I had to force myself right now).

[Unix]

2 hours ago, Jean said:

Well, it doesn't look too good for being active this weekend. It seems I've yet a lot to recover from and have absolutely not the patience to deal with my fellows human beings during shopping time...

 

Saturday, December 4:

Slept enough (that was the activity of the day! ).

Ate enough.

Did exercise (barely, I had to force myself right now).

Someone is taking you out to shopping? xD

 

For the dark half exercize, pick a timer of 15m. Then find some music that is fits your inner demon. These are my 2 favorites

 

 

Anyway, then you proceed to give it a form. This is mine:

 

And then you try to talk with him. He is everything that you are afraid of and every negative emoctions. But he is on your side, he is part of you. Try to get to know him. For the first times its enough