Inner Demon Boss Fight

[RavenTree]

Ever since joining NF, I have been wrestling with the "Big Why" question. I have a lot of "whys" for wanting to shed my excess physical baggage and build my physical strength, but none of them seems big enough to overcome the negative inner voices and attitudes in my head and heart. I know that if I tried sharing about my inner demons with pretty much everyone who knows me, they would have trouble believing me. I'm that good at projecting a fearless, take-no-shit persona.

 

It's not all BS, but there is an inner glass ceiling in my head when I become too successful. Over and over again, I make a new start, start seeing real results... Then, WHAM! The demons are there, telling me there's no point, that I can't do it, that I'm not enough, that I'm not worthy of success. That's when the self sabotage begins, my momentum stalls, and I slip back into old, unhealthy patterns that keep me broke, fat, and unhappy.

 

A lot of people talk about fear of failure, but what about fear of success?

 

For me, failure is familiar. It is comfortable. It is safe. And it's killing me, slowly, inexorably, like a poison in my heart that no one notices until it's too late. But I feel it, and as much as I hate it I don't know how to break free of it.

 

I'm not asking anyone to fix me. Mostly, this is me dragging my demons into the light.

 

~RT~

[Trixie Falsae]

Thanks for sharing. It can be really hard to talk about so I am glad you feel secure enough here to talk about.  I personally used woebot through facebook to help me reframe my thoughts.  I remember very well feeling like I wasn't worthy of success or happiness and it took a lot of work to let that go.  Blessings on your journey. 

[RavenTree]

Thanks, Trixie. I know from work I've done on other issues that demons like these are allergic to sunlight. And that if I have an issue, it is likely someone else does, too.

 

Dragging my own demons out of hiding thus does two things:

1. It weakens them and robs them of their power over me.
2. It shows others with kindred demons that they are not alone.

Here's to becoming a demon hunter, rather than demon prey!

 

~RT~

 

[fitnessgurl]

Recognition of what is happening & then sharing it with others are two major steps in defeating those demons. Way to go!!!! 

Keep going...you can do this!

[noiseromantic]

RavenTree,

 

Damn! You wrote out right there some of my own life and struggles. Thank you.

 

I've fought a fear of success for most of my life. I'm a middle school teacher now and I see it in some of my own students. That shit can be deadly. Sunlight, though, ah the sunlight...

 

I'm just now respawning my own NF journey and working on my Big Whys. Harder to think it deeply and write it down than it is to walk five minutes a day for a month, that's for damn sure.

 

Press on, my friend. Let's get those demons! Either convert 'em into friends or banish them! 

 

[RavenTree]

Hey @noiseromantic,

 

I love the pic of Kirk with the Gorn! Great image to go along with the convo!

 

One thing I have started doing is collecting "vision board" images to help reinforce the ideas and messages I want coursing through my brain. The one below appeared in my LinkedIn feed the other day when I was feeling especially glum over some stuff going on. (Yeah, coincidence, my ass...) I snagged it and added it to my growing collection of positive, powerful images to feed me as I work to overcome those demons and negative attitudes.

 

Time to turn fear into something else!

 

~RT~

[fitnessgurl]

This is something I struggle against. Maybe this will help you as well.

All too often I hold myself to an impossible standard & belittle the progress I have actually made. I realise that there is always room for improvement; but I'm learning to count the small wins & reward myself for the progress.

[RavenTree]

Me???? Have unrealistic expectations or standards for myself????

WHO TOLD?!?!?

j/k

But in all seriousness, yeah, I do hold myself to much higher standards than what I expect from others. But the flip side is that I've come to realize what I consider to be mediocre is better than a lot of people can do on their best day. I know that sounds horribly conceited, but it's just the way it is, and it is something that feeds into me holding myself back.

 

I don't "fit in" with most groups anyway, so the fear (aka Demon whispering in my mind) is that if I really, truly gave my all, I wouldn't fit in anywhere.

 

~RT~

[fitnessgurl]

On 8/2/2018 at 2:49 PM, RavenTree said:

Me???? Have unrealistic expectations or standards for myself????

WHO TOLD?!?!?

j/k

But in all seriousness, yeah, I do hold myself to much higher standards than what I expect from others. But the flip side is that I've come to realize what I consider to be mediocre is better than a lot of people can do on their best day. I know that sounds horribly conceited, but it's just the way it is, and it is something that feeds into me holding myself back.

 

I don't "fit in" with most groups anyway, so the fear (aka Demon whispering in my mind) is that if I really, truly gave my all, I wouldn't fit in anywhere.

 

~RT~

Same.

[Jean]

Can't say I can't relate. Hope your respawning is going well.

 

My go to in those days tend to be motivational speeches and music. Marianne Williamson and Coach Carter have been a turning point in my battle to get my diploma :

 

Original poem : https://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/stories/williamson.ourdeepestfear.invitation

 

Keep 'em demons in the light and going on.

[fitnessgurl]

On 8/18/2018 at 3:46 PM, Jean said:

Can't say I can't relate. Hope your respawning is going well.

 

My go to in those days tend to be motivational speeches and music. Marianne Williamson and Coach Carter have been a turning point in my battle to get my diploma :

 

Original poem : https://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/stories/williamson.ourdeepestfear.invitation

 

Keep 'em demons in the light and going on.

Great poems, thanks for sharing!

[Xena]

On 8/2/2018 at 2:49 PM, RavenTree said:

Me???? Have unrealistic expectations or standards for myself????

Unrealistic expectations are one side of the coin.

 

Another side I've faced, is being afraid to set a goal thinking it's too high. I've experienced this one more in my career than in my fitness journey. At points in my life I was afraid/unwilling to admit a career goal unless someone else first encouraged me.

 

Not sure what exactly to take from that. One thing is just to recognize how important it can be to cultivate and value your support system. Where you can, surround yourself with positive people and in turn remember how much an encouraging word from you might make a difference to someone else.