JonFirestar: Knightfall

[jonfirestar]

Knightfall

 

Everyone can be broken. Everyone will meet their match and break like a wave on a cliff but it's not the fall that is important. The story isn't that a human can be broken that even the indomitable can falter. The important thing is what happens after. 

 

 

The choice to stay lying on the ground. Beaten and broken. Or to stand and and fight on. 

 

 

Okay, okay so a Batman themed challenge isn't the most original thing I could have come up with  and it's not the first time I've done it either! I'm in a little bit of a creative slump, so I decided to go with an easy one to warm myself back up to the idea! 

 

The fall is both physical and mental. Anyone who followed the end of my last challenge will know that I recently picked up a running injury which has really kicked my legs out from under me, so to speak. However my bigger concern right now has to do with my eating habits. Over the last few months they have been getting worse and a lot more erratic. I've had serious weight problems for more of my life than I haven't and I can recognise when my eating behaviour has gone from troubling to down right destructive. 

 

 

Battling Bane!

Right now food is a huge destructive force in my life. I struggle to emphasise how much of a problem it is for me. So here goes. Spoilered because talk about eating disorders and whatnot gets a little deep and goes a little long. 

 

Spoiler

 

Binge eating disorder is my big problem. It is not a big deal for me to binge on 10-15-20k calories in a single sitting. When I'm in a certain state (and this happened over the weekend) I'll eat literally everything that I can get my hands on. My stomach seems bottomless when I do it. Not to say that I don't eat myself into feeling sick but it is almost effortless to keep shovelling things in. If I am in  a state of mind where I don't care about anything, least of all myself, that is the end of the story. I pile on weight and that is tempered only by the simple fact that I am an active person (extremely active right now, moderately active even at my worst). 

 

When I do care and I am in constant turmoil between the irresistible desire to shove food into my mouth  and the desire to better myself to lose the excess weight and be the better athlete that leads to another problem. Belima. Which is (yet another) a problem that I struggled with in my early 20s. That's a spiral that I really don't want to retread because I know that there isn't anything good down that road but over this weekend the desire was real. 

 

That is triggered when the binges get out of control. The binges are triggered by pretty much any negative emotion you care to think of. Right now I'm a little depressed about my injury the binge cycle simply feeds on itself and it doesn't really matter what the trigger is once it starts. 

 

 

TLDR: It is imperative that I control my binge eating. I usually don't advocate an all-or-nothing approach but I do find that this is what works for me. I need to track all my food. Plan in advance what I am eating and stick to the plan. My exact calorie counts aren't worked out yet but I'm going to stick with 2900-3000 for this week and adjust depending on my activity levels. The moment I go off plan things spiral out of control quickly. 

 

I want to add something on top of this and I'm essentially asking for a volunteer. If and when I feel the impulse to binge eat. Talk to someone about it before I pull the trigger. I've been feeling a little bit of a hypocrite recently when I've urged people to talk about their problems while I've refused to do this little thing. People have offered this before but I always feel horrible about adding my burdens to theirs. So I'm asking explicitly if there is anyone who honestly wouldn't mind if I sent a half hysterical message about wanting to eat an entire loaf of bread because thats the only thing thats edible within grabbing distance. In an ideal world I would never need to send that message but I've been getting myself into that state a lot recently. 

 

Onto much less difficult subjects:

 

Recovery: 

 

I'm injured. I don't have a plan other than not running right now but I am seeing the physio on Thursday afternoon and I should have a better handle on what I should be doing from there. If all goes well I have a half marathon race on September 2nd but I am prepared to skip it if needed. 

 

Getting in Bat Shape! 

Meanwhile to focus on what I can do!

In week 0:

Monday: Cycle workout

Tuesday: Lifting, Benchpress

Wednesday: Cycle Workout

Thursday: Rest

Friday: Lifting, OHP

Saturday: 

Sunday: TBD but I have a race entry for a looped event. Still hoping to be allowed to do 5 or 10k 

 

The general shape after week zero will be to have 4 lifting sessions and 3 cardio sessions per week but that is subject to change and I'm waiting for the physio appointment to work out the details. My focus this time round will be more on strength with the cardio sessions being much lighter than normal. However Squats and deadlifts are still very much TBD. 

 

Greasing the Groove:

Finally I want to improve my pull-ups so I'm adding a little GTG type of work into this. 5 Pull-ups per day over the course of the day. May increase or decrease after each week. 

 

 

 

[Salinger]

Hey Jon, following along

 

Have said it before, but will say it again, im online a lot due to work, so if you want to message me (facebook is better as its easier to message) please do. And dont think you will be a burden or whatever. You arent  and im saying im here for you no matter what xx

[Novaurora]

44 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

I'm a little depressed about my injury the binge cycle simply feeds on itself and it doesn't really matter what the trigger is once it starts. 

I totally get this.  I have been basically useless the last 3 weeks with my back injury and dang does it do a number on the mental state!  I kinda took a hiatus the last 2 weeks of the challenge due to a vacation and headspace, so I missed the extent of the injury, but I hope you feel better soon!

 

45 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

o I'm asking explicitly if there is anyone who honestly wouldn't mind if I sent a half hysterical message about wanting to eat an entire loaf of bread because thats the only thing thats edible within grabbing distance.

While I'm probably not the best person for this job time zones, don't have my phone at work, etc, I will be here to support you!!!!

[Echoceanic]

Here to follow along. 

 

I'm usually not online during the day for you because of the timezone difference so I don't know how big of a help I can be there, but I will be around to support you whenever I can. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following along Jon. I can't imagine what living with an eating disorder is like. I can imagine being here for you.

[Maigs]

You can't go wrong with a Batman themed challenge.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling. BED sucks. Knowing that you should care but just....can't, it's rough. The fact that you're asking for someone to reach out to is huge, and I'm sorry I'm in the wrong timezone to be much help. But I'm here to cheer you on!

[Charlie_Quinn]

I've literally spent the last 15 minutes searching for cheesy 60's batman gifs. No regrets

 

 

2 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

I want to add something on top of this and I'm essentially asking for a volunteer. If and when I feel the impulse to binge eat. Talk to someone about it before I pull the trigger. I've been feeling a little bit of a hypocrite recently when I've urged people to talk about their problems while I've refused to do this little thing. People have offered this before but I always feel horrible about adding my burdens to theirs. So I'm asking explicitly if there is anyone who honestly wouldn't mind if I sent a half hysterical message about wanting to eat an entire loaf of bread because thats the only thing thats edible within grabbing distance. In an ideal world I would never need to send that message but I've been getting myself into that state a lot recently. 

 

You've got my phone number and FB messenger. I'm always happy for you to message meo. I can't promise I'll have anything inspired to say, I'm no Tank! But I'll listen and give any help that I can. I do tend to put my phone on silent after 10:30pm, so if you do message after then, I may not get see/hear it. 

I'm sure the FB messenger group won't mind if you need to post on there too.

[jonfirestar]

3 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Jon, following along

 

Have said it before, but will say it again, im online a lot due to work, so if you want to message me (facebook is better as its easier to message) please do. And dont think you will be a burden or whatever. You arent  and im saying im here for you no matter what xx

Thanks, Lizz. I appreciate it. If and when I do need to use it it'll probably be over face book! x

 

2 hours ago, Stribs said:

I totally get this.  I have been basically useless the last 3 weeks with my back injury and dang does it do a number on the mental state!  I kinda took a hiatus the last 2 weeks of the challenge due to a vacation and headspace, so I missed the extent of the injury, but I hope you feel better soon!

Thanks. The injury isn't that bad but it's enough to stop me from running and running is what I love to do right now. So it's incredibly frustrating but I'm trying to keep a level head. 

 

2 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

Here to follow along. 

 

I'm usually not online during the day for you because of the timezone difference so I don't know how big of a help I can be there, but I will be around to support you whenever I can. 

That is more than enough  

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following along Jon. I can't imagine what living with an eating disorder is like. I can imagine being here for you.

Thanks Tank. I honestly can't imagine what living without it would actually be like. It's been a thing for most of my life. Thank you. To give you your due it is something you said to @Wolfpool last challenge that gave me this idea. 

 

47 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

You can't go wrong with a Batman themed challenge.

True! 

 

47 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

I'm sorry you're struggling. BED sucks. Knowing that you should care but just....can't, it's rough. The fact that you're asking for someone to reach out to is huge, and I'm sorry I'm in the wrong timezone to be much help. But I'm here to cheer you on!

 

Sometimes it's not even that I can't care - that is certainly a thing - but sometimes I'm actively trying to hurt myself. It's really weird to explain but yeah. 

 

18 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

I've literally spent the last 15 minutes searching for cheesy 60's batman gifs. No regrets

Worth it! Tell me that I wasn't the only kid in the 80s that religiously watched reruns of 60s Batman? 

 

20 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

You've got my phone number and FB messenger. I'm always happy for you to message meo. I can't promise I'll have anything inspired to say, I'm no Tank! But I'll listen and give any help that I can. I do tend to put my phone on silent after 10:30pm, so if you do message after then, I may not get see/hear it. 

I'm sure the FB messenger group won't mind if you need to post on there too.

Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate it. I'm normally in bed before 10 so you needn't worry about that  if I'm up at 3am and eating then I'm long past the point of caring. It's usually the early evening that I start fighting with myself over it and that's the time I need to talk about it. I also know that the people in the FB messenger group wouldn't mind but my own insecurities and anxiety stops me from reaching out. Which is exactly why I've made this a challenge goal. 

 

 

[Charlie_Quinn]

6 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Worth it! Tell me that I wasn't the only kid in the 80s that religiously watched reruns of 60s Batman? 

 

Maybe not religiously, but I did watch it. My dad is a big nerd so I watched all the classic sci-fi/nerdy re-runs with him (Batman, Land of the Giants, The Time Tunnel etc)

 

8 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate it. I'm normally in bed before 10 so you needn't worry about that  if I'm up at 3am and eating then I'm long past the point of caring. It's usually the early evening that I start fighting with myself over it and that's the time I need to talk about it. I also know that the people in the FB messenger group wouldn't mind but my own insecurities and anxiety stops me from reaching out. Which is exactly why I've made this a challenge goal. 

 

No worries! No one here is going to mind if you need to reach out. Whether that be in a personal or a group message. It's why this community exists! We're all here because we struggle in one way or another and we sometimes need help or the support of others. Don't ever feel bad for asking for help. 

[Maigs]

6 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Sometimes it's not even that I can't care - that is certainly a thing - but sometimes I'm actively trying to hurt myself. It's really weird to explain but yeah. 

I think I get it. I get into moods where I'm binging, think that I should care but can't, get angry at myself because I'm cramming cookies in my face while I know I shouldn't be, then get into a belligerent self harm mode (your term, which is very apt btw) and while I've never thought the actual words the feeling is like an angry bully saying "So you want to be a fatty, then fine, being a f*cking fatty". Obviously not helpful or healthy (physically or mentally).

[shaar]

Jon, you're so strong.  You keep fighting and putting it out there and never give up.  I'm often in awe of your accomplishments, and your drive to keep moving forward, no matter what!!  I may only be able to offer caps lock encouragement in the Shaar Bard Way, but I'll keep cheering you on always!!

[jstanlick]

17 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Sometimes it's not even that I can't care - that is certainly a thing - but sometimes I'm actively trying to hurt myself. It's really weird to explain but yeah.

Not that weird at all. Lots of people struggle with self harm and other destructive tendencies. The mental side of fitness is often the most difficult to conquer, and considering the physical isn't all that easy, the bar is set pretty high. Good on you for recognizing the behavior and tackling it head on before things get worse.

 

23 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Worth it! Tell me that I wasn't the only kid in the 80s that religiously watched reruns of 60s Batman? 

I could, but I'd be lying. Everyday after I walked home from elementary school and watched the Batman re-runs before anyone else in my family got home.

[jonfirestar]

27 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

Maybe not religiously, but I did watch it. My dad is a big nerd so I watched all the classic sci-fi/nerdy re-runs with him (Batman, Land of the Giants, The Time Tunnel etc)

I watched them but it was of my own volition . Not sure where my nerdy tendencies came from but it wasn't my parents  Although TBF I was far too young for me to remember exactly how religious I was about it. 

 

26 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

I think I get it. I get into moods where I'm binging, think that I should care but can't, get angry at myself because I'm cramming cookies in my face while I know I shouldn't be, then get into a belligerent self harm mode (your term, which is very apt btw) and while I've never thought the actual words the feeling is like an angry bully saying "So you want to be a fatty, then fine, being a f*cking fatty". Obviously not helpful or healthy (physically or mentally).

Thanks Maigs, I think that you really do get it. Or at the very least I know that when you've described your own incidents that it's often very similar to how I feel and act. And exactly that last thing. It isn't really something thats articulated in my brain but raw emotion and self anger but, like you say, it's not healthy physically or mentally. 

 

31 minutes ago, shaar said:

Jon, you're so strong.  You keep fighting and putting it out there and never give up.  I'm often in awe of your accomplishments, and your drive to keep moving forward, no matter what!!  I may only be able to offer caps lock encouragement in the Shaar Bard Way, but I'll keep cheering you on always!!

BUT WHERE IS THE CAPSLOCK!!!!  Drive and doing things I can do. Not doing destructive things I struggle with. I'll take all the encouragement I can get! 

 

33 minutes ago, jstanlick said:

Not that weird at all. Lots of people struggle with self harm and other destructive tendencies. The mental side of fitness is often the most difficult to conquer, and considering the physical isn't all that easy, the bar is set pretty high. Good on you for recognizing the behavior and tackling it head on before things get worse.

 

Thanks. Although to be fair I'm just old enough to have run the cycle round a few times. I'm simply determined for things to go differently this time (long term differently) and for that I need to step outside of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't have done before. 

 

35 minutes ago, jstanlick said:

I could, but I'd be lying. Everyday after I walked home from elementary school and watched the Batman re-runs before anyone else in my family got home.

 Good man! 

[Salinger]

2 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Thanks, Lizz. I appreciate it. If and when I do need to use it it'll probably be over face book! x

 

 

 

No problem. Always here for you x

[Wild Wolf]

7 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Finally I want to improve my pull-ups so I'm adding a little GTG type of work into this. 5 Pull-ups per day over the course of the day. May increase or decrease after each week. 

 

 

YUSS!! Get it, J! You know I love a good Batman themed challenge  

 

As for your Bane...brother, I know it's a difficult challenge and I'm gonna be here to help HOWEVER I can. It's not something I particularly struggle with, but I do have other Banes in my life that seem like daily boss battles (i.e. my issues with lust). Love ya man-reach out to chat if you need it. You know where to find me

 

 

Thought this was funny, HAHA!

 

Spoiler

 

Wolf

[jonfirestar]

27 minutes ago, Wolfpool said:

As for your Bane...brother, I know it's a difficult challenge and I'm gonna be here to help HOWEVER I can. It's not something I particularly struggle with, but I do have other Banes in my life that seem like daily boss battles (i.e. my issues with lust). Love ya man-reach out to chat if you need it. You know where to find me

 

Thanks Wolfie! Although the specific problem is different I don't think the motivations and battle with temptation is all that different. Whether it is gluttony or lust we might fight these battles because the consequences of losing doesn't bear thinking about. 

 

 

Week 0, Monday! 

 

Well first day of the challenge. I did a thing last night that I really don't like to do. I drugged myself to sleep (I took sleeping pills) I'll be honest. It actually worked better than I expected but it was sort of necessary because I stayed up until 3am on Saturday watching netflix. I slept okay but I'm feeling a little groggy today for it. This morning was uneventful but getting back from lunch it hit the fan and I was distracted for the afternoon which caused me to slip up on one of my goals from the get-go. 

 

Battling Bane:

So far so good. Probably because I wrote the challenge and everything that entails today but I've been feeling good today. A little bit of fight in it tonight but overall I'm feeling decent. It often is this way the Monday after a bad weekend so I'm expecting more of a fight as we go on. 

 

Getting in Bat Shape

Did my workout. Set of 8x30 second intervals. Much better at spiking my heart rate this morning. Off to the gym in the morning. 

 

Greasing the Groove. 

 

Okay going to admit failure here. I got 3 during the morning but forgot about it completely this afternoon. For info I'm doing the pull-ups off of a girder that crosses one of the data-floors. It just happens to be perfectly placed for it and I have to go through there often. 

 

[jstanlick]

34 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

For info I'm doing the pull-ups off of a girder that crosses one of the data-floors. It just happens to be perfectly placed for it and I have to go through there often.

How Rangerly!! 3 is still better than 0. Good to hear you're feeling good today. Even, if that's part of the pattern you've identified, there isn't anything wrong with feeling good. Take it as a win and build from it.

[Novaurora]

You got this!  Way to get through your workout!

[WhiteGhost]

I'm not on Facebook so I don't know how you would contact me (Line?) but I would be happy to talk anytime and am usually awake in the off-hours when everyone else is asleep.   Even if just here in this thread, I am happy to support you any way I can.

[Cheetah]

You can do it!  :-)

[Sloth the Enduring]

I’ve lost track, have I said I’m following yet, ‘cause I am.

[Kestrel Grey]

Following. <3

 

YES to the pull up goal! CQ mentioned it would be a theme for her too, and I'm thinking I'd like to join in. They are a great goal to focus on when transitioning off a running-heavy challenge.

 

It takes courage to act on No Ranger Stands Alone.  The depth of kindness and strength in the Ranger collective is awe-inducing and I'm so glad you're tapping into that to help you fight your Bane.

[Charlie_Quinn]

3 pull ups is better than no pull ups. Busy work day's can't be helped, don't be too hard on yourself about it.

 

Funny you should say that the cycle doesn't spike your heart rate. When I used Stu's turbo trainer a few months ago, I felt it in my legs but it did absolutely nothing to my cardiovascular system. I guess this is why Jody Raynsford calls bikes cheat machines!

 

3 hours ago, Kestrel Grey said:

YES to the pull up goal! CQ mentioned it would be a theme for her too, and I'm thinking I'd like to join in. They are a great goal to focus on when transitioning off a running-heavy challenge.

 

So are you up for a little pull up PvP challenge? I need to work out the specifics. As we're all at different levels, we need a way to make it fair for everyone.

[jonfirestar]

13 hours ago, jstanlick said:

How Rangerly!! 3 is still better than 0. Good to hear you're feeling good today. Even, if that's part of the pattern you've identified, there isn't anything wrong with feeling good. Take it as a win and build from it.

Thanks, you are right on both accounts. Something is better than nothing. I kind of feel like I've not been putting in enough effort for a couple of weeks on all accounts. It's hard to shake that feeling. 

 

12 hours ago, Stribs said:

You got this!  Way to get through your workout!

Thanks  

 

8 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I'm not on Facebook so I don't know how you would contact me (Line?) but I would be happy to talk anytime and am usually awake in the off-hours when everyone else is asleep.   Even if just here in this thread, I am happy to support you any way I can.

Thanks. I do appreciate it I am likely to try and talk to people I know I'm not being a total pain in the ass with and I know what my problem times are. I'll take the support on the thread though! 

 

6 hours ago, Cheetah said:

You can do it!  :-)

Thanks, Cheetah!

 

6 hours ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

I’ve lost track, have I said I’m following yet, ‘cause I am.

Good to have you. If I can actually bring myself to perform the required maintenance first there might even be cycling this challenge! 

 

3 hours ago, Kestrel Grey said:

Following. <3

 

Happy to have you!

 

3 hours ago, Kestrel Grey said:

It takes courage to act on No Ranger Stands Alone.  The depth of kindness and strength in the Ranger collective is awe-inducing and I'm so glad you're tapping into that to help you fight your Bane.

Thank you. It is a little bit of an act of desperation and I knew that the option has always been there but by explicitly stating it I'm hoping to make myself commit to the idea. I have a real hard time with asking for help.

 

3 hours ago, Kestrel Grey said:

 

YES to the pull up goal! CQ mentioned it would be a theme for her too, and I'm thinking I'd like to join in. They are a great goal to focus on when transitioning off a running-heavy challenge.

You should join in! And with the PVP too  

 

30 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

3 pull ups is better than no pull ups. Busy work day's can't be helped, don't be too hard on yourself about it.

 

Yeah you aren't wrong and it really just went from my mind when the minor crisis hit. Such a thing is atypical so I shouldn't worry about it so much. 

 

31 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

Funny you should say that the cycle doesn't spike your heart rate. When I used Stu's turbo trainer a few months ago, I felt it in my legs but it did absolutely nothing to my cardiovascular system. I guess this is why Jody Raynsford calls bikes cheat machines!

 

Yeah pretty much that! My heart and lungs are laughing at my attempts but my legs really feel it! Not going to lie I'm really hoping the physio gives me the green light to do some running! 

 

32 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

So are you up for a little pull up PvP challenge? I need to work out the specifics. As we're all at different levels, we need a way to make it fair for everyone.

 

Yeah I don't know your thoughts on it but when I wrote about it in Wolfie's thread it occurred to me that it might be better to try and measure improvement rather than totals. Although I'm not sure if that should be weighted either but I'm probably overthinking it. 

[Charlie_Quinn]

20 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Yeah pretty much that! My heart and lungs are laughing at my attempts but my legs really feel it! Not going to lie I'm really hoping the physio gives me the green light to do some running! 

 

Do you feel like you could run, even if it was a run-walk, or is it still painful? 

 

21 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Yeah I don't know your thoughts on it but when I wrote about it in Wolfie's thread it occurred to me that it might be better to try and measure improvement rather than totals. Although I'm not sure if that should be weighted either but I'm probably overthinking it. 

 

It's a toughie. Perhaps points could be allocated for a particular type of pulling exercise? Keep the points the same for similar exercises and then no one is at a disadvantage for doing negatives instead of pull ups.