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jonfirestar

JonFirestar: Knightfall

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4 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

I don't know how to make that happen. Every time I've successfully lost weight I've simply made up my mind one day to do it seriously and then made it happen but how do you find that initial spark? 

This is my struggle too. The two times I've lost significant weight were the same, I decided one day that I was going to do it and over the next 6ish months I did awesome. Then I'd lose the spark and stall. I should only need one more spark and I'll be right about where I want to be (assuming I lose a similar amount of weight as before) but I just cannot seem to find the motivation for more than a day.

I'm hoping this job change will be the spark I need since my last two drops where around big life changes but that's not guaranteed or even a feasible answer for most people struggling with the problem.

 

4 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

I not only fell off the wagon over the weekend I smashed it to kindling, poured petrol on the remains and danced hysterically around the ensuing blaze.

Hmmm....I have a meme for this somewhere....

 

1 minute ago, shaar said:

Guess we gotta build new wagons now.

Ranger wagon building party? It sounds like there's a few of us that need new ones

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2 hours ago, Salinger said:

Yes just focus on the day Jon, here if you need anything xx

 

Thanks. One day at a time! 

 

1 hour ago, elizevdmerwe said:

You can w.app me if you need to text/talk to someone, or have someone there to listen. PM me if you want my cell nr. I only use Fb, email, and NF messages on the computer, so I don't receive them immediately.

I do understand the feeling of picking up weight and not loosing, or see-sawing. I don't binge eat, or loose control like that, but at this stage it seems that even a little bit of something extra climbs on the hips which is making me very negative as well. Sometimes I can say no, other times I feel like, why bother? So basically trying to say, I'm with you on the frustration and trying to make it through every day, and I'm here if you want some support to stick through it. Maybe like with the getting up earlier this year, we can again motivate or get each other to stay on the narrower road?

 

I've sent you my number. I tend to use my computer for most everything because I don't like writing on my phone very much at all. Typing is as natural to me as speaking or thinking so I'll always use a keyboard when available. Thanks. 

 

I think they are slightly different problems, binge eating and not being able to stick to my diet, and I'm kind of stuck with the both of them. The binge eating scares me because it is so utterly self-destructive. I really can use all the support and help I can get. 

 

20 minutes ago, shaar said:

I think about this a lot - for me, the majority of times that I'm in this state I'll knowingly push people away... like talking doesn't always help me.  A lot of it depends on the person I think and often I'll just get angry and shut myself away more??  You're right though - what is the answer?  I don't know either.  It is totally maddening, frustrating, unfair, all of the above....

 

One day at a time, though.  We have to believe there are better days waiting for us. <3

 

Are you me? :D this is exactly that. I actively take steps to isolate myself and push people away. Part of it I know is because when I'm feeling self-destructive I don't want anyone to stop me but I do know that there is also a tipping point and action needs to be taken before then but I really don't know the answer. I wish I did. 

 

24 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

This is my struggle too. The two times I've lost significant weight were the same, I decided one day that I was going to do it and over the next 6ish months I did awesome. Then I'd lose the spark and stall. I should only need one more spark and I'll be right about where I want to be (assuming I lose a similar amount of weight as before) but I just cannot seem to find the motivation for more than a day.

Is it even motivation though? I don't know! I would only need to lose half as much as I've already lost and I'd be 'there' but instead I can't. For myself I've noticed that I've got a lot of 'fight' in me during the day but as it wears on towards the evening my resolve weakens and it's that resolve I'm really lacking. I feel like I'm fighting a war of attrition with my own subconscious and I'm losing. Very, very slowly I'm being worn down. 

 

28 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

Hmmm....I have a meme for this somewhere....

 

not-only-did-fall-off-the-diet-wagon-dra

 

So there is! 

 

29 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

Ranger wagon building party? It sounds like there's a few of us that need new ones

Soon there shall be a brand new fleet of Rangerly Wagons! 

 

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6 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

I think they are slightly different problems, binge eating and not being able to stick to my diet, and I'm kind of stuck with the both of them. The binge eating scares me because it is so utterly self-destructive. I really can use all the support and help I can get. 

I just read this article this morning How to reach out to someone who is struggling (very short read) and while it's more about depression it seems very applicable here. Is there a specific time/day that would be most beneficial for someone to reach out to you?

 

15 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Is it even motivation though? I don't know! I would only need to lose half as much as I've already lost and I'd be 'there' but instead I can't. For myself I've noticed that I've got a lot of 'fight' in me during the day but as it wears on towards the evening my resolve weakens and it's that resolve I'm really lacking. I feel like I'm fighting a war of attrition with my own subconscious and I'm losing. Very, very slowly I'm being worn down. 

Motivation definitely isn't the right word for when I have the spark. It just happens and I don't have to fight myself. But it's a small little spark and once it dies there's no forcing it back to life. I have no answers unfortunately. I just keep fighting myself to keep from backsliding and looking for a new spark.

 

10 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

So there is! 

Yup, that's the one!

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31 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

 

Are you me? :D this is exactly that. I actively take steps to isolate myself and push people away. Part of it I know is because when I'm feeling self-destructive I don't want anyone to stop me but I do know that there is also a tipping point and action needs to be taken before then but I really don't know the answer. I wish I did. 

 

 

Oh man.  This SO MUCH.  Just leave me alone and to my terrible ways yes, it's less energy for me to be self destructive than to have to wrangle with someone that's trying to help me I think....... 

 

Whatever the answer is, I'm sure it's not easy.  Sigh.

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55 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

I just read this article this morning How to reach out to someone who is struggling (very short read) and while it's more about depression it seems very applicable here. Is there a specific time/day that would be most beneficial for someone to reach out to you?

 

Yeah and it's early evening. Post dinner and before bed when I'm at my most vulnerable. It gets worse towards the weekend. My reluctance to do something like this is that I really don't want to feel like I'm a burden on someone.

 

57 minutes ago, Maigahane said:

Motivation definitely isn't the right word for when I have the spark. It just happens and I don't have to fight myself. But it's a small little spark and once it dies there's no forcing it back to life. I have no answers unfortunately. I just keep fighting myself to keep from backsliding and looking for a new spark.

I like 'spark'. I've never been able to get started without a fight but when I have the spark the fight is short lived and when it's over it's over. Until the spark goes out at least. In my old challenges I wrote about how easy I was finding the stuff I'm finding utterly impossible now. Thing is that I'm really not putting up much of a fight, when everything is said and done. It's been a long time since I've had an actual victory. 

 

48 minutes ago, shaar said:

Oh man.  This SO MUCH.  Just leave me alone and to my terrible ways yes, it's less energy for me to be self destructive than to have to wrangle with someone that's trying to help me I think....... 

Hmm I've never actually thought about it like that. Maybe true. It's just easier and less energy to allow myself to be self destructive than to try and deal with someone else. Although I really think that you aren't doing anything wrong by handling your situation by burning the barn and having a merry old time dancing around it's charred remains ;) 

 

Me, not so much, I'm self-harming because I'm angry and frustrated at myself. 

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Hi Jon, I just wanted you to know we are thinking about and caring about you, whether or not you reach out to us.  You are not creating a burden to receive what people are already giving because we care about you.  I wish I had some advice to give on being able to accept help when you are in a dark place, but I'm not great at it myself.

 

Hopefully things get a little easier for you now that the weekend is past and we have some time to plan for next weekend.  Perhaps it is not having your day scheduled on the weekends that makes them harder to get through?

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1 hour ago, jonfirestar said:

I tend to use my computer for most everything because I don't like writing on my phone very much at all. Typing is as natural to me as speaking or thinking so I'll always use a keyboard when available. Thanks.

I sent you my email. I also prefer using my computer, I'm just used to most people around here using their cellphones for everything :) I do check my emails regularly during the day.

6 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

I like 'spark'. I've never been able to get started without a fight but when I have the spark the fight is short lived and when it's over it's over. Until the spark goes out at least. In my old challenges I wrote about how easy I was finding the stuff I'm finding utterly impossible now. Thing is that I'm really not putting up much of a fight, when everything is said and done. It's been a long time since I've had an actual victory. 

Yeah, this also resonated with me. I get to a point where I can say "ok, now I'm going to do this. I've got it, I can move", but until then I keep questioning myself. I'm also finding it difficult compared to three, four years ago. I feel like I need a programme or at least a set "thing" to follow, with clear steps or rules. Probably the diet mentality. The closest I came to diet was following Weigh-Less, which I was told was a healthy way to eat, and then Banting also for health. Which actually really worked and helped.

My biggest "self-loathing" comes in when I can't say no to the boys, specifically Rocco, when he asks, nags and nags and nags for a chocolate. I really have to become an ogre to have the 'strength' to say no when he is in that mood. The three of us just vowed again that we'll try to keep each other up to not buy chocolates, except 1x a week, after our walk with Brandt on a Tuesday. How long we'll stick to it, I don't know.

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1 minute ago, Kestrel Grey said:

Hi Jon, I just wanted you to know we are thinking about and caring about you, whether or not you reach out to us.  You are not creating a burden to receive what people are already giving because we care about you.  I wish I had some advice to give on being able to accept help when you are in a dark place, but I'm not great at it myself

Thanks, Kestrel, I really do appreciate everyones support. I wish I was better at reaching out. This approach is very different for me :) 

 

3 minutes ago, Kestrel Grey said:

Hopefully things get a little easier for you now that the weekend is past and we have some time to plan for next weekend.  Perhaps it is not having your day scheduled on the weekends that makes them harder to get through?

 

Oh yes it's much easier on the weekdays than it is on the weekends. A huge part of that is having he schedule to follow. It's not fool proof and when I'm not at least trying to be good things will go awry even there but it's a lot, lot easier than when I don't have a lot to do. Monday is usually the easiest day of the week to get through too. I hate the 'I'll start Monday' mentality because I think it promotes the cycle. 

 

5 minutes ago, elizevdmerwe said:

I sent you my email. I also prefer using my computer, I'm just used to most people around here using their cellphones for everything :) I do check my emails regularly during the day.

 

Yeah. I am a bit of an oddity there. I really just like to communicate via a keyboard rather than the touch screen of my phone. It feels like it takes me too long to express myself. 

 

8 minutes ago, elizevdmerwe said:

Yeah, this also resonated with me. I get to a point where I can say "ok, now I'm going to do this. I've got it, I can move", but until then I keep questioning myself. I'm also finding it difficult compared to three, four years ago. I feel like I need a programme or at least a set "thing" to follow, with clear steps or rules. Probably the diet mentality. The closest I came to diet was following Weigh-Less, which I was told was a healthy way to eat, and then Banting also for health. Which actually really worked and helped.

 

I was certainly much more strict on myself whilst I was being successful. I've never really followed a diet for very long. I dislike the concept as a whole. It really is just a matter of eat less and try to limit the really bad stuff. That said I write out my meal plan every week I've just been really poor at actually sticking to the plan. The thing is everyone works differently and what works today doesn't necessarily mean it'll work tomorrow. I think I need to go back to being much more strict and controlled with what I eat because not being that strict isn't working right now. 

 

12 minutes ago, elizevdmerwe said:

My biggest "self-loathing" comes in when I can't say no to the boys, specifically Rocco, when he asks, nags and nags and nags for a chocolate. I really have to become an ogre to have the 'strength' to say no when he is in that mood.

 

I cannot even imagine how hard that is! I can be a bit of a pushover at the best of times. 

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23 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

I think I need to go back to being much more strict and controlled with what I eat because not being that strict isn't working right now. 

Ja, same here. :loyal:

24 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

 

I cannot even imagine how hard that is! I can be a bit of a pushover at the best of times.

I mentioned it just now in my thread, but I really have to look after Rocco's health. He is overweight but like Brandt, and Brandt's dad, they tend to go diabetes or cholesterol route. I honestly don't know how quick things can change, but both Brandt's dad and his sister had high cholesterol, and his dad diabetes 1 and other health problems. The dr. told Brandt that if his health numbers go out of control (too high), he'll probably get those things as well, "because it is in his blood/genes". They have the profile, and I need to stop Rocco and teach him somehow to stay in control, because he is such a clone of Brandt and his dad. That is my biggest fight and fright. Knowing this though, I still struggle to say no! So I'm thinking of minimising, but allowing some things within limits, to try and stay in control, yet not deprive them/him/us.

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1 hour ago, elizevdmerwe said:

So I'm thinking of minimising, but allowing some things within limits, to try and stay in control, yet not deprive them/him/us.

This sounds so easy, in practice it is not. As a diabetic that refuses to take medication, there are foods I just cannot eat or I will be forced to use meds. But, I'm the only one in the house with this problem. I don't want to deprive other folks in the house and I do the grocery shopping. So, I tend to buy stuff they like and then fend off the temptations with willpower. Unfortunately, willpower comes and goes. So, I do try to limit how much stuff ends up in the house for the week. That way if my willpower goes, it can't go too far. Yet, I also find myself watching other people eat stuff wondering if I'm doing them a disservice. I know what eating too much of those foods will do to you, so why would I let people I care about eat any of it? This is a tough balancing act to follow. I wish you all the best!

 

1 hour ago, jonfirestar said:

I was certainly much more strict on myself whilst I was being successful. I've never really followed a diet for very long. I dislike the concept as a whole. It really is just a matter of eat less and try to limit the really bad stuff. That said I write out my meal plan every week I've just been really poor at actually sticking to the plan. The thing is everyone works differently and what works today doesn't necessarily mean it'll work tomorrow. I think I need to go back to being much more strict and controlled with what I eat because not being that strict isn't working right now. 

This is a frustrating thing. Especially when something has worked in the past. It's easy to move on if it never worked in the first place. But, when it did work and now it isn't anymore, what do you do? The one thing I know I needed to learn was to forgive myself when there was/is a backslide moment without completely letting myself off the hook. Beating yourself up in the present doesn't change the past, and certainly giving zero f@*%s about a backslide doesn't help the future. It sounds like you've decided your current habits aren't working and you want to get back to some old ones that did. What we do today leads to the habits of tomorrow. So, it seems simple to say, win today so you can win tomorrow. But, when depression/anxiety/etc set in, things don't follow a logical progression anymore.

 

I know you mentioned wanting to isolate yourself rather than putting out the extra effort to include someone else. But, I'm gonna throw this out there as something that helped me. Have you talked to a professional about the depression? Especially when you're not feeling like lighting the wagon on fire? I found talking to a therapist on a regular basis to be super helpful myself. Some sessions felt like a waste of time. Others were earth-shattering, eye-opening moments. The ones that felt like a waste of time actually weren't. They were an exercise in sharing with a completely safe, objective observer. The "going through the motions" as it were gave me a safe place to go when I really needed it. I didn't need to supply the background info because they already knew it. There was  no "getting someone up to speed". And that's when the eye-opening moments happened. It has made it far easier to identify motivations and actions before they become destructive. But, that was me. YMMV.

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Jon,

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. I do want to put my professional hat on and say something:

What you are doing to try and combat the binge eating cycles is not working. If willpower were going to be what helped you beat binge eating it would have worked by now. This is not just an eating thing, and I think you've been trying to deal with it solely from an eating perspective. You need professional help to deal with the non-food aspects of this binge eating. I don't know if you've tried that avenue in the past, but if you have, try it again. This isn't really about food and I think you know that, or at least part of you does. This is about the fact that food is the one coping mechanism that seems to comfort emotional distress. Dealing with the emotional distress and finding new coping skills are the only things that are going to help you break this cycle, and neither of those will be addressed by trying to white knuckle your way through temptations to binge. I'll help in anyway I can and I'll tell you right now that help will not be enough on it's own. This is beyond my skillset. 

 

You are a good man struggling with something beyond your control. That is no reflection on your character. It simply means a glitch forced you to play your character with nutritional difficulty set to maximum. This isn't about you being good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough. This is about you admitting that your worth and your strength have nothing to do with this problem.

 

I love you my brother, and you are in my prayers.

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2 hours ago, elizevdmerwe said:

They have the profile, and I need to stop Rocco and teach him somehow to stay in control, because he is such a clone of Brandt and his dad. That is my biggest fight and fright. Knowing this though, I still struggle to say no! So I'm thinking of minimising, but allowing some things within limits, to try and stay in control, yet not deprive them/him/us.

Yeah I imagine that is such a hard thing to deal with. 

 

46 minutes ago, jstanlick said:

This is a frustrating thing. Especially when something has worked in the past. It's easy to move on if it never worked in the first place. But, when it did work and now it isn't anymore, what do you do? The one thing I know I needed to learn was to forgive myself when there was/is a backslide moment without completely letting myself off the hook. Beating yourself up in the present doesn't change the past, and certainly giving zero f@*%s about a backslide doesn't help the future. It sounds like you've decided your current habits aren't working and you want to get back to some old ones that did. What we do today leads to the habits of tomorrow. So, it seems simple to say, win today so you can win tomorrow. But, when depression/anxiety/etc set in, things don't follow a logical progression anymore.

It's a fine line to balance for sure. Hanging onto anger over a backslide isn't useful at all and neither is simply not caring at all. The overriding emotions that i am feeling right now is actually frustration and fear. Mostly fear if I'm honest. I fear a major backslide and the longer I struggle to make progress the more I fear that will happen. 

 

56 minutes ago, jstanlick said:

Have you talked to a professional about the depression?

Yes, but admittedly not for many years. I can't think of a good reason not to do it again. 

 

34 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

What you are doing to try and combat the binge eating cycles is not working. If willpower were going to be what helped you beat binge eating it would have worked by now.

Honestly I doubt I'm ever going to beat it. With or without help. My goal is to manage their frequency and scale more than eliminating them altogether. The thing I'm worried about is not what happened this weekend, or not, but the slow decline in my diet I've seen over the last few months.  My relationship with food is similar to alcoholism. It is as much about the act as it is about the emotions that lead to it (I can and do do it just because I find it enjoyable) and because I cannot give up eating altogether I'm left with trying to manage it sensibly. I've had more than enough professional help to understand that it's always going to be a thing and that there is no fixing it. Instead I'm left with managing triggers and limiting opportunity. I neither demand or expect perfection in this but I'm afraid that willpower is always going to play a role because you cannot avoid all the triggers all of the time.

 

 

This weekend the trigger was fairly apparent. It wasn't surprising but it was simply because I was told I couldn't run for a few weeks and months before I can get back to doing what I was before. I've been using my running as a crutch. As much as I've been lax on everything else I was able to hit almost all of my runs because I was genuinely excited to do them. So having that removed was a bit of a knock and this weekend was a bit of a exception to what has been happening and was fuelled by that emotion. 

 

:) so the interesting thing is that most of everything is just because I'm exceedingly frustrated about maintaining my weight. It is ridiculous for me to be frustrated about that but I am, very very frustrated. That leads to more "what's the point" moments than I care to admit to which then simply feeds back into itself. I've been thinking about it a lot since reading your post. I'm frustrated and I'm scared and those are the overriding emotions.

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are a good man struggling with something beyond your control. That is no reflection on your character. It simply means a glitch forced you to play your character with nutritional difficulty set to maximum. This isn't about you being good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough. This is about you admitting that your worth and your strength have nothing to do with this problem.

 

With all that being said. I don't think you are wrong. I've mentioned this before but I've had a lot of therapy in my life. Years worth. Some of it incredibly intense and some of it much more relaxed but it has been almost a decade since I last saw someone. I am more than due another visit. 

 

With all that what I am trying to do this challenge is express what I actually mean, physically and emotionally when I say 'I binged' and that is more for my benefit than anything. 

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Week 1, Monday! 

 

Today was a day. I'm  overwhelmed with the response that I got this morning when I came clean with the binge. A large part of me didn't want to say anything but my tactic right now is to expose it and question it. Heather went into see the doctor about a pain in her foot that came about recently and it turns out that she's fractured it :( so she's currently in a boot. There is talk about possibly needing surgery but she needs to see a specialist first. That definitely could have been better. 

 

Battling Bane:

Okay on track today. Feeling a little hungry tonight but 2620 calories. Maybe a little less because I trimmed some things but didn't remeasure. 

 

Getting in Bat Shape

PT Work done. 

Cycling workout done. I'm getting better at this! 

 

Greasing the Groove. 

10 done! Thanks to the weight I put on over the weekend they are feeling harder but the ability to do a pullup using my fat ass as weight is something I'm incredibly proud of. If only I could get down to a reasonable body weight! (240lbs/109kg on the scale this morning. A high 4 month or so high but i expect it to drop dramatically over the next couple of days. )

 

Sleep

 

and it's time for bed. 

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3 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Today was a day. I'm  overwhelmed with the response that I got this morning when I came clean with the binge. A large part of me didn't want to say anything but my tactic right now is to expose it and question it.

Let that be a reminder that to speak these things out loud is to take away some of their power. :) 

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6 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Okay on track today.

 

YESSSS!  You got this.  The problem with the wagon is that it's not a sports car.  The wagon goes over bumps and jostles us around, and sometimes we fall off, but that's the thing about all of us being on the wagon together...we're going to help you get back on.  You got this!!

 

Sorry to hear about your wife!  Hope her foot heals quickly!!!

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10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Let that be a reminder that to speak these things out loud is to take away some of their power. :) 

Exactly that. My habit is to say nothing at all about the emotions that go into this whole thing. I'm trying out how expressing it as well as I can works out. 

 

10 hours ago, Stribs said:

 

YESSSS!  You got this.  The problem with the wagon is that it's not a sports car.  The wagon goes over bumps and jostles us around, and sometimes we fall off, but that's the thing about all of us being on the wagon together...we're going to help you get back on.  You got this!!

I like that analogy but the more I've thought about it over the last couple of days the more I realise that I haven't been on the wagon for a while. I occasionally talk about getting on but in reality it's just lip-service and no commitment. 

 

10 hours ago, Stribs said:

Sorry to hear about your wife!  Hope her foot heals quickly!!!

Thanks, me too. 

 

1 hour ago, deftona said:

I hope Heather's foot is ok. 

Well, it's definitely fractured so if that's okay ;)... the real question is whether or not it'll heal by itself. 

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32 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

Sorry to hear about Heather's foot. I hope it heals soon.

 

Thanks, us too. 

 

32 minutes ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

Well done for staying on track. Don't hesitate to message me if you feel like you need to talk or even just offload some stuff. 

Thanks Charlie. I'm already beginning to feel like a right pain in the arse. 

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7 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

I like that analogy but the more I've thought about it over the last couple of days the more I realise that I haven't been on the wagon for a while. I occasionally talk about getting on but in reality it's just lip-service and no commitment. 

Yesterday I was trying to think of an analogy of where I was in relation to the wagon since I haven't been on it in a while either. The best I had was I'm in the same woods as the wagon and we're both circling around looking for each other, and I can hear it, but can't for the life of me actually find it so I can hop back on

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21 hours ago, jstanlick said:

So, I do try to limit how much stuff ends up in the house for the week. That way if my willpower goes, it can't go too far. Yet, I also find myself watching other people eat stuff wondering if I'm doing them a disservice. I know what eating too much of those foods will do to you, so why would I let people I care about eat any of it? This is a tough balancing act to follow. I wish you all the best!

That sums up exactly what I am trying to do, and what I'm feeling. The boys both actually agreed to only have a chocolate on a Tuesday after we've walked with hubby in the plantation (like today), and on a Sunday when the soft serve van comes along, they'll have an ice cream with hubby. I've tried it before and it lasted... a couple of weeks? Let's hope this time will last longer.

 

@jonfirestar, Sorry about Heather's foot. Does she know what she did?

 

19 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

A large part of me didn't want to say anything but my tactic right now is to expose it and question it.

Glad opening up helped. We're here! You're not a pain in the backside. Honestly!

 

19 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

(240lbs/109kg on the scale this morning. A high 4 month or so high but i expect it to drop dramatically over the next couple of days. )

Yikes! You are only 14kg more than me! Ok, that might have inspired me to concentrate better on my food and exercise. Can't let you drop more than me! Oh yikes! Oh yikes! :playful:

But thanks :loyal:

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4 hours ago, Maigahane said:

Yesterday I was trying to think of an analogy of where I was in relation to the wagon since I haven't been on it in a while either. The best I had was I'm in the same woods as the wagon and we're both circling around looking for each other, and I can hear it, but can't for the life of me actually find it so I can hop back on

I think I'm in the vicinity of the wagon. I can even see it. Sometimes I'll go over and have a look at it but it's been a long time since I actually got one and I think it's just because the wagon is uncomfortable. Or looks uncomfortable. 

 

3 hours ago, elizevdmerwe said:

@jonfirestar, Sorry about Heather's foot. Does she know what she did?

 

We honestly don't know. It just started to hurt one day when we were out and it's been getting steadily worse. Nothing dramatic has happened that we can pin down and I honestly thought that it was simply PF . She has broken both of her feet before at different times and it might be related. 

 

3 hours ago, elizevdmerwe said:

Yikes! You are only 14kg more than me! Ok, that might have inspired me to concentrate better on my food and exercise. Can't let you drop more than me! Oh yikes! Oh yikes! :playful:

 But thanks :loyal:

Because 14kg is a small amount to lose? Although I hate to alarm you but my weight has dropped 2kg since yesterday! So it's only 12kg away now! That's just my weight normalising after the weekend I expect it to go down another .5-1kg still. You'd better get a move on! :P 

 

 

 

 

 

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Week 1, Tuesday! 

 

It's been a bit of a stressful day but a decent one. Hez is very upset about her foot not least because walking is really the only exercise she does and wants to do. Work was stressful on top of it mainly because of a certain big vendors utter incompetence. In regards to my goals I am spot on today. Overall I'm leaving today feeling more comfortable, more confident and less sorry for myself. 

 

A couple of things I'm unsure of. 

Technically I'm permitted to run by Thursday. I'm unsure if I should run Friday. It's not much of a run 10 minutes in 2 5 minute intervals, or if I should leave it until Monday. 

 

I'm thinking of deferring the Spartan Beast in September. I don't want to, because I really want to race it, but I do think I'm asking for trouble by doing it and especially by doing both the Beast and the Sprint that weekend. I'll still run the Sprint with @iatetheyeti on the Sunday.  

  • Negative. I don't get to run the Scottish Beast that I've been looking forward to. 
  • Positive: It actually gives me a full day to tourist in Edinburgh. I've never been to Edinburgh or Scotland and I would like to look around a bit.

I don't have to make a decision right away but I think it's the sensible one. 

 

Battling Bane:

2540 calories. I'm getting hungry now, it's going to get pretty bad tomorrow, I can feel it but that should be the worst of it if I can get through. I don't know how to describe it but it takes a few days for my body to adjust from being in calorie surplus to calorie deficit. Gnawing hunger is a side effect. I'm utterly unsure if it's entirely psychological or physical but it is a thing. It is like getting over a hump and it just gets easier afterwards. 

 

Getting in Bat Shape

PT Work done - I'm not even through week one and I'm hating it! 

Strength workout done. It was at home a mix of bodyweight and a barbell. It was a pretty decent workout. All upper body but left me feeling satisfied with how hard I worked. 

 

Greasing the Groove. 

10 done! Mostly in sets of 2 during my workout until I couldn't do 2 in a row any more. I did a whole bunch of assistance work during the workout too. 

 

Sleep

 

I was in bed by 10 but didn't really attempt to sleep until 10:30. That's an improvement but still not great (approximately 6:15 hours sleep)

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