Heidi: Pause

[Heidi]

 

 

This challenge is about waiting during skirmish, being still in the chaos, listening for the whisper in the cacophony and clamor. These are not easy things for me.

 

To sit in the NotKnowing between-times is uncomfortable, and that's where I am for the coming few weeks. I especially think that much will be revealed while I sit in a meditation retreat for at lest two days, quite possibly more.

 

This is a different challenge, though I've done something similar before.

It's about pausing to see, and detaching enough to consider what I see before me, as close to real time as possible, sitting with that later and reflecting on it with a modicum of distance. Learning to let the way reveal itself.

[Heidi]

I'm heading up for a work-and-meditation day on Thursday, then heading back up on Saturday morning to stay until Monday afternoon -- an eclipse retreat. We'll see if I actually come back on Thursday night or if I simply stay all the way through. As it was, when I was leaving Sunday evening from the potluck gathering, I was invited to drop off anything I wanted to leave in "my room" for the pending visit.

[Daryl of the Pines]

I am intrigued. I will have to follow along, to see what comes.

[Sloth the Enduring]

I’m officially lurking about. To wish you well.

[Heidi]

 

On 8/6/2018 at 10:48 PM, Daryl of Barbaria said:

I am intrigued. I will have to follow along, to see what comes.

Ooo, welcome @Daryl of Barbaria. Good to have you along!

I hope the challenge prompts insights along the way.

 

On 8/6/2018 at 11:00 PM, Sloth the Enduring said:

I’m officially lurking about. To wish you well.

Thank you, @Sloth the Enduring! I feel encouraged!

[Daryl of the Pines]

On 8/7/2018 at 9:37 AM, Heidi said:

 

Ooo, welcome @Daryl of Barbaria. Good to have you along!

I hope the challenge prompts insights along the way.

 

I hope so too. This is inspiring me to try and redouble my meditation/ mindfulness efforts.

[Heidi]

yoga tonight helped everything ever, which was absolutely needed -- I was getting into a very negative space, and it was feeding itself like an echo chamber.

i met with the attorney today, and i did a bunch of jumping-through-hoops to possibly start work at walmart, so the headspace was understandable.

after yoga class the instructor asked if i had considered a workshop and possible training. this was really affirmative for me.

now, i'm packed and ready to load the jeep in the morning before heading out to Rivendell once more. allegedly i'm only staying for the day.

yoga makes everything better. everything.

good night, nerds.

[Heidi]

So, that day turned into several days, and i'm back.

There are many words and much to process, but I feel more centered, lighter and yet more solid.

 

I'll be going back soon.

The schedule there was rhythmic, and I think it did a lot for my soul.

Early morning fire building was mine, a chore I adore. I fetched firewood and refilled water filtration containers and suchlike as the fire got going and the water heated for tea. I set out the things for breakfast.

In between moments I wrote each morning, and the writing got deeper and more writerly each day -- note: this alone is worth returning for, though it was not the greatest of the gifts.

Then morning meditation in the Vipassana style (I'm new to this completely; I was just proud that after a few days I could sit for the hour without my legs falling asleep to the point of feeling like dead wood).

Then breakfast, a simple affair in which everyone sat in a circle, in rocking chairs or on couches, using the low coffee table in the center instead of a formal dining table. I liked it. We would talk about chores for the day and sign up for our Morning Work; mine was usually garden work and learning how to maintain one of the many systems of sustainable living.

Then lunch and Afternoon Work before evening meditation, dinner, conversation, and rest.

 

Hi, Nerds. 

How was your eclipse weekend?

[Daryl of the Pines]

8 hours ago, Heidi said:

How was your eclipse weekend?

 

Not as epic as yours I suppose, though still pretty damned good.

 

Hour-long meditation, that is extremely impressive. I take it the new initiatives are going well so far.

[Heidi]

21 hours ago, Daryl of Barbaria said:

Hour-long meditation, that is extremely impressive.

hour-long and twice a day whether I needed it or not!

 

I have finally slept a bit.

Some reflection puts everything in perspective. I missed yoga this morning because I didn't fall asleep until after 2 (oi! so not like me!) and then couldn't quite get withthe program until after 7 (it seems half the day was gone). 

 

Reflections on the retreat:

The work is good, and I like it, but it's overall too large to be sustained, I think. Also, there is a fanatic quality underlying the practices and the hospitality as well as the homesteading. Also, it's very personality-forward right now with the community mix that is in place, and I'm not inclined to play at that level. [The blisters where the cook burned me will probably scar; I think it's vaguely amusing that one of them is on my middle finger.]

 

I will be going back, but I am not worried that I'm going to move in. 

On the other hand, I'm pretty interested in installing a Tesla roof and power wall or two if I buy the place I'm renting. 

Also, I'm rethinking buying rice fifty pounds at a time. Perhaps that is a bit fanatical on my part (but the cost per pound is so much better!).

[MaD MaLKaV]

19 hours ago, Heidi said:

(I'm new to this completely; I was just proud that after a few days I could sit for the hour without my legs falling asleep to the point of feeling like dead wood)

 

Congrats!  My feet still try to fall asleep during my 25 minute morning meditation.  Sounds like a great way to a spend a weekend.

[alices]

I'm so impressed with your calm and your focus. I have so much to learn from watching you work.

[Heidi]

8 hours ago, alices said:

I'm so impressed with your calm and your focus. I have so much to learn from watching you work.

Wow. Thanks.

[Heidi]

I tried out a new yoga studio this evening, and it was very nice indeed. The class was restorative yoga, and there's something to be said for a 90 minute session just before bed.

 

Vegetables and milk arrived this week, I had a great therapy session this afternoon, and there was a lot of good camaraderie over knitting when I went to the yarn store.

What a good day.

 

Love & peace, y'all. 

[Heidi]

 

 

[Heidi]

 

Just don't even get me started on the situation that is Yet Another Last Minute Emergency Attack by opposing counsel.

I will have to show up for court tomorrow at 11 to register my objection to the totally bogus motion being presented at what is supposed to be a pro-forma hearing to enter an oder that was handed down on July 3 that opposing counsel refused to sign, and now is trying to circumvent. Franky at this point I will need to add in three times a week of kung fu or t'ai chi to go along with therapy, legal counsel, weights, walking, meditation and yoga just to keep from freaking out or crushing under the weight of it all.

 

Also, classes begin next week.

Between the two programs, I'm enrolled in 17 20 graduate hours this semester.

Is that a lot? It sounds like a lot.

 

* s i g h *

~ b r e a t h e ~

 

Yes. They are playing dirty.

No, they will not stop.

This is the playing field, and it isn't fair and it isn't right and it isn't proper.

It's mine to walk.

This is why we train.

 

[alices]

*hugs*

 

My lawyer talked to opposing counsel yesterday because my ex is now demanding that I change the time and location of the next exchange and when I refused he said, well then I'm taking it.

 

We don't want to go back to court before the scheduled mediation the first week of September, because they're booked in that court and we'd have to go in as an emergency and my lawyer thinks the judge will frown on an "emergency" hearing that doesn't involve actual physical harm or the risk of it, but I don't know what other recourse we have. 

 

Today I send the ex another email about letting her come to the good school here in my city. It's one of the top schools in the state. He's willing to steal that from her to spite me.

 

*sigh* 

[Heidi]

Court was kind of hellish, in that the whole thing happened in judges' chambers, and the ruling from July 3 got thrown out and redone -- irksome!

I am Very Tired Indeed of finding new ways to screw with me. I got through it, mostly because a friend came over and was nurturing, by bringing some "thinking of you" things, and by sitting with me and letting me talk. it was nice. It was helpful. I feel as though I mattered, which is 180 degrees from where I was before hand.

 

A trip to the comic book shop was just right as a way to end the visit.

Tonight I got to see Vivian, and she was delightful. We played with horses, and she didn't want to leave.

At one point in the visit, she asked if she could see me every week.

It's getting added to the books.

She and I might even get to go see a movie together.

How cool would that be?

 

The knitting is coming along faster than I had realized.

[Heidi]

I went to the sauna and a meeting after the visit yesterday, and that was superb.

Today I had lunch with a friend, began organizing my time for the coming semester, and got two different interview appointments.

Best part of the day was evening restorative yoga. If they offered this more often, it would be worth a monthly unlimited pass. I dropped them a note to let them know that.

 

It has been a weird week, with reentry from the meditation retreat, a new therapist, court, New yoga instructors, and a bunch of meetings to keep me on track during the drama and chaos. Still, a great week overall. Lots of love despite the moments of grief and loss. Faith will lead me through.

 

Also, it seems I am developing a meditation habit and deepening my yoga habit.

I'm very ok with this.

 

Love and peace,

Heidi

[Heidi]

Saturday:

We went hiking the Apple Orchard Falls - Cornelius Creek loop this morning. We got started later than we intended; the trail was longer than we had originally thought; emotions ran high and then smoothed out. We saw a bear, brilliant and beautiful mushrooms, and of course the majestic waterfalls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hiking is a good space for me.
Afterward, we ate some amazing burgers, picked up a movie at the library. Somewhere, written and directed by Sophia Coppola, is absolutely brilliant. I am glad I saw it, and the conversation along the way was just the right amount of accompaniment. Highly recommended, especially if you are able to watch it with like-minded individuals who are seekers leading or wanting to lead purpose-centered lives. By the time the day was done, I felt centered and whole.

Life is good.

[Heidi]

Sunday:

Today was Meeting for Worship, a time to gather with Friends and restore those connections after being away for meditation and farming. It was wonderful to see them, and there was a lot of sharing of stories as other Friends had been away too. I felt very connected as I headed home to work on the editing test. Fingers crossed that I can get the job as an online editor. It would be super helpful.

 

Also, I have a phone contact on Monday at 10, and then an interview for a different position on Wednesday at 1. This is all good news.

Tonight I went to a class called "sound savasana" at the yoga studio and it flat out blew me away. The singing bowls and vibrations are very powerful, and to have them wash over me for an hour in complete receive mode was a gift. I'm looking forward to going again as soon as they offer it -- lately it has been only offered once a month or so. Restorative yoga is a weekly thing on Tuesday, but starting Sept. 18 I'll be in a pinnacle poses class for six weeks or so as I deepen my practice.

 

Life is good.

 

This week:

Meditation: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

Yoga: Tuesday Wednesday, Friday, Sunday

AA Meetings: Tuesday, Thursday

Therapy: Tuesday and Tuesday

Court: Thursday

Sauna: Tuesday and Thursday

Meeting for Worship: Sunday

Hiking: Saturday, 6 miles

Walking: not so much.

Jobs: online editing test completed and sent in; sent in 22 applications; one interview set up; one phone contact set up

[Heidi]

Monday was packed but in a good way.

This morning I had a phone contact with a recruiter, and it's a "probably no" for the contract she has on her desk, but she will take my information to the client and also be looking for other work. Most of what she has is in Lynchburg, which is about 90 minutes away. It's getting harder and harder to find work.

 

Then I went to court to sit and witness while one of my church family was tried for interfering with clear-cutting for the pipeline.

She's 70 years old and decided to dye her hair electric blue for the event, a look she totally rocked.

She's been nicknamed the Raging Quaker, and I think it's a brilliant role for her. 

Most of the Meeting House turned out to witness with her. She was found guilty and fined $100. She asked for jail time instead so that she didn't support the system, and she was denied. She's appealing the guilty verdict and the new hearing will be September 18. I'll be there then, too (unless I have a job).

 

After court, I went to a meeting, which was weird for a Monday since I have Women's Group in the evening, but I felt I really needed it. While I was there, a woman shared that she really was feeling dislocated isolating. Afterward, I went up and talked with her and we are going to work together, since this is what I'm fighting too, and together is better for this. Unity really is the answer.

 

Then I met the yoga instructor again to talk about the partnership some more with her program and my charitable organization. We went through some good structure conversation, and there's an action list with an expectation that we will be able to talk about what we accomplished on Friday. I'm looking forward to it, and I feel pretty positive about it.

 

I went to the gym after that, feeling the need to walk and sling the weights, even if only briefly.

1 Mile walking

Weights, 5# L,R : 12 swimers presses, 12 back scratchers, 12 fly, 12 horizontal lift

Abs: 24 twisted incline sit ups; 24 twisted angels

7 minutes steam room, 13 minutes sauna, shower

Weight: 140.5 (for whatever that is worth).

 

Then the women's meeting, which was rich and really connecting. I love this group.

And some more walking to get the steps in (cause I was just that close to the goal day -- 7500 -- that it seemed silly not to).

 

Applied for three more jobs while the tea steeped.

 

Good night, nerds.

 

 

[Heidi]

 

 

 

[Heidi]

 

 

 

[Heidi]

I dropped two classes this morning, so I'm only enrolled in 14 hours this term. This seems more manageable.

 

The interview went very well, and I'm optimistic. This is what happens each and every time, but it's ok. This is the path that I'm walking.

The new therapist is excellent. I will miss the old one, but it's time to get down to brass tacks with some of the issues that are coming up between writing and meditation. Speaking of meditation, I was talking with my acupuncturist this evening about meditation and how it seems to increase my susceptibility to suggestion. He says this is a natural by-product if you are doing it right, and to be gentle and loving with myself while staying mindful of my boundaries. 

 

During the acupuncture session, the second in as many days, he confirmed that my back is "totally jacked up" (the technical term) on the left side. It's going to take a lot of work and time and love to heal this. On the upside, when we get through this, the whole system will be much better off. It seems I'm swimming in the deep on the physical front as well as the emotional and spiritual ones. I was thinking that the work we did today would hold me until Tuesday, but it's likely that I'll need to go back Friday -- the muscles are very very angry. He even used an electric stimulator on two of the needles after the hour-long session and after cupping, before tui na bodywork (which is just amazing; I'm beyond lucky to have access to a practitioner of this caliber).

 

Other things that happened today: The fridge is completely cleaned out, the dishes are washed, the spare jars that had been accumulating are washed and stored. The laundry is clean and folded (I might put it away this evening, but the odds are dwindling as twilight gains). I went to the courthouse to get the official order and it still hasn't been signed and entered. I'll try again on Friday. A bird got stuck in the screen and died -- I'll have to retrieve it from outside, and this also is less likely to get done as daylight wanes; tomorrow is looking much better for this, especially since I'm being exceptionally (and uncharacteristically) tender about this whole thing, likely because it is a chickadee.

 

The vegetables this week were overflowing with lettuce and tomatoes. What a glorious time of the year.

Looking forward to having dinner and catching up with a friend tomorrow night.

 

Namaste, y'all.