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Rurik Harrgath

[Respawn] Cry Havoc Anthology 2: Chaos Theory

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On 8/20/2018 at 11:34 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

I appreciate that sentiment more than words, old friend.

 

Of course, brother. I have a bad habit of treating NF as the only way to communicate with you and I know I've tried Messenger to no avail really. I sometimes (a lot of times) don't try hard enough when my friends are struggling because I'm afraid I might offend them with hard truths. I knew you were struggling with a lot of stuff and my selfish struggles kept me from being able to help out someone who I admire and respect the hell out of. It always makes me sad when I think of missing out on camp that year. Or that you didn't make it down for Tank's wedding. Since 2015, you've easily been one of the coolest dudes I've ever known. Despite our religious differences, it takes away NONE of the love I have for you.

 

I know about anxiety. It's why I'm still a nail biter. It's why I think about smoking pot again. It's why I immerse myself into games and other things that take away from my RL responsibilities. I've made myself sick from anxiety. My hands would be freezing yet I would be sweating. I used to throw myself head first into relationships and push myself too hard on people. Fall too quickly. Clear my schedule just for the off chance I get to hang out. "It's so hard just to sit and be and let the world unfold around me.  I suspect the damage is already done, but it's nearly impossible to tell if that's reality or just anxious overthinking, and no reasonable way to find out." I feel this way a lot. And because of my faith, I feel stupid about it because I have to understand how God works. 

 

I 10000% feel you, brother. Being married with my boys does help things because I have daily distractions to combat the anxiety but it does get the best of me from time to time. I'm glad you're sharing and that you're being open with yourself AND us, your guild. Part of healing is talking about it and a good way to beat anxiety with the ugly stick is working it out, out loud. You read the Remaining books right? Remember when Lee would talk about "compartmentalizing"? Take it one text, one convo, one hour, one day, one week, one date, one kiss, one sleepover- take it all in stride and ONE at a time. The world will unfold around you no matter what you do or try to control but at the end of the day if you've had more victories than defeats, than it's progress. And any progress is winning. 

 

On 8/21/2018 at 8:20 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

and a suggestion that physical affection is treating symptoms, rather than the cause of you malaise.

 

As someone who hid a very physical affair for close to 2 years, I can say this 100% true. I thought I loved Gaby but I didn't. It was lust of the flesh and it was baaaaaad. I let it cloud ALL my reasonable judgement to the point where I let it go on for as long as it did and damn near lost my family in the process. I had some deeper issues here and I'm still working on them to this day. It'll never just be "over and done with" but a daily battle to come out on top. And for as long as I've known you, I know you're a fighter. Some would reckon a f**kin beast! You are loved, Rurik. Loved by people all over the world and this won't be the last female you encounter if this doesn't work out. I'm pulling that it does and that you both can have a healthy relationship but you can only draw a circle around yourself and control YOU, no one else. 

 

Love ya bro.

 

Wolf

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Challenge Journal:  26 August, 2018.

To say I'm a little overdue for check-in would be an understatement, haha.

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It's been a better couple of days.  I received some pre-relationship anxiety Wednesday night and busied myself the rest of the week, reframing (or compartmentalizing, as Wolfie put it) based on that data, coming to the conclusion she honestly just keeps herself similarly busy and doesn't prioritize checking her phone.  Which I reluctantly respect actually, so I've been trying to be less glued to mine lately.  She was in the city picking up her son and visiting friends/family over the weekend, while I was up to my chin in tiling my laundry room and staining my cupboards, but she texted a bit last night.  I mentioned I had run into the babysitter at a deck party on Friday, suggested we make use of that again, and asked her out for date #3 on Tuesday.  She agreed in her slightly-maddening way, and I booked us a lane at the local axe throwing place telling her that gym apparel will be appropriate this time (she dressed up for wine and apps last time).

Tuesday sure feels a long way away, but we have positive data to move forward on, and I had a productive weekend at home!

Which means my headspace should spiral out of control again any time soon.

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On 8/24/2018 at 11:25 AM, Sylvaa said:

It is interesting to hear your perspective on the idea of regrets. I am of the same mind of the follower. I can look back on my life and see that there are a number of things that I should have done differently. But to regret those decisions or actions implies to me the idea that I should change the outcomes. The idea of looking at all of those moments as regrets is ...*shudders*. Thank you for this insight into you.

 

I so get this. No judgement, I definitely had a period of time after a particularly horrible breakup with this same outcome. So just some additional solidarity. 

 

 If it feels good do it, even if you shouldn't... preach.

 

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I do honestly understand the notion that one should not regret, that it's an unhealthy and unproductive way to look back on your life, but when you go through entire seasons of your life where nothing goes your way and you can't seem to do anything right, how else should you look at them?  Believe me, I'm not being melodramatic when I say I'm the most fortunate fuck-up who ever lived to fuck-up again!

 

On 8/24/2018 at 1:55 PM, Wolfpool said:

I know about anxiety. It's why I'm still a nail biter. It's why I think about smoking pot again. It's why I immerse myself into games and other things that take away from my RL responsibilities. I've made myself sick from anxiety. My hands would be freezing yet I would be sweating. I used to throw myself head first into relationships and push myself too hard on people. Fall too quickly. Clear my schedule just for the off chance I get to hang out. "It's so hard just to sit and be and let the world unfold around me.  I suspect the damage is already done, but it's nearly impossible to tell if that's reality or just anxious overthinking, and no reasonable way to find out." I feel this way a lot. And because of my faith, I feel stupid about it because I have to understand how God works.

 

Believe it or not, there are times I genuinely wish I could buy into religion.  I can only imagine the comfort that comes from knowing deep down that everything has a purpose, that there's a plan behind your misfortunes, and that someone loves you unconditionally.  One of my gym friends is going through a catastrophic break-up and she's deeply religious, sometimes of late I've sat back and read/listened to her wax on and on about God's plan for her.

 

But it doesn't click with me.  I don't begrudge you your faith, old friend, and occasionally I wish I had a similar system to comfort me against the impending threat of my other old friend, the Void.  Even still I'm high-functioning enough to know when I'm trapped in an anxiety loops, and should know better than to let it take over my headspace (as you do), but good gods - that loop is as powerful and addicting as it is destructive!

 

Definitely hear you on the relationship bit too.  I'm forcing myself to live my life and keep busy as if I weren't pursuing her.  If something works out... grand.  If not, I hopefully won't implode quite so dramatically.  ;)

 

On 8/24/2018 at 1:55 PM, Wolfpool said:

As someone who hid a very physical affair for close to 2 years, I can say this 100% true. I thought I loved Gaby but I didn't. It was lust of the flesh and it was baaaaaad. I let it cloud ALL my reasonable judgement to the point where I let it go on for as long as it did and damn near lost my family in the process. I had some deeper issues here and I'm still working on them to this day. It'll never just be "over and done with" but a daily battle to come out on top. And for as long as I've known you, I know you're a fighter. Some would reckon a f**kin beast! You are loved, Rurik. Loved by people all over the world and this won't be the last female you encounter if this doesn't work out. I'm pulling that it does and that you both can have a healthy relationship but you can only draw a circle around yourself and control YOU, no one else.

 

 

I don't know about a fighter. Sometimes maybe.  More than anything I'm a survivor, and I endure long past the will to give up has settled in and permeated down to my core.  I don't think that's quite so admirable, but there's a sort of ironic nobility behind resiliency I suppose - getting out of bed even when your every aching muscle (including the brain) screams for you to stay put, getting to work when the very idea makes you want to curl up and cry, or even forcing yourself into the monotonous and back-breaking act of laying a tile floor when your mind is swimming in what-ifs and hope-its.

 

Appreciate the sentiment all the same, brother.  I'm torn between cautious optimism and forsaking that for guarded realism rather than my usual brand of nihilistic pessimism.

 

Huh.  I guess that's a victory of sorts all itself.

 

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11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

and I booked us a lane at the local axe throwing place telling her that gym apparel will be appropriate this time (she dressed up for wine and apps last time).

 

YUSSSS!! What a great idea for a date! Now you get to show off your Viking heritage ;) 

 

11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

reframing (or compartmentalizing, as Wolfie put it)

 

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11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Believe it or not, there are times I genuinely wish I could buy into religion.  I can only imagine the comfort that comes from knowing deep down that everything has a purpose, that there's a plan behind your misfortunes, and that someone loves you unconditionally.  One of my gym friends is going through a catastrophic break-up and she's deeply religious, sometimes of late I've sat back and read/listened to her wax on and on about God's plan for her.

 

But it doesn't click with me.  I don't begrudge you your faith, old friend, and occasionally I wish I had a similar system to comfort me against the impending threat of my other old friend, the Void.  Even still I'm high-functioning enough to know when I'm trapped in an anxiety loops, and should know better than to let it take over my headspace (as you do), but good gods - that loop is as powerful and addicting as it is destructive!

 

I understand completely. I didn't really grow up in the church and my religion is, for the most part, pretty new to me. I'm learning stuff every day, like, relying on God's strength and not my own. I don't think you're trying to begrudge my faith at all-I know you're open minded enough (as am I) to have an intelligent conversation without stepping on toes or pulling teeth. Whether you find or create your own system that works to battle the Void or maybe one day you do find God, who knows, but I know that with you being aware of the destructive loops, at least you can recognize them as they come slithering about. That's really half the battle right there. Knowing your enemy and his tactics don't make it easier to achieve victory, it just gives you an advantage that takes a crap ton of work to pull off successfully. I guess being the optimistic person I am, I believe that you can and WILL achieve victory in this struggling part of your life.

 

11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Definitely hear you on the relationship bit too.  I'm forcing myself to live my life and keep busy as if I weren't pursuing her.  If something works out... grand.  If not, I hopefully won't implode quite so dramatically.  ;)

 

If you were to implode if something happened, then so be it. You have to allow yourself some wiggle room because you are human after all-though legends of Rurik Harrgath would deem this otherwise ;). Letting things be as they are is sooooooooo freakin hard, brother. But don't add more pressure on yourself when you're just trying to be the best version of you. When you fall, you get back up. When life throws you lemons and you can't make lemonade, that's ok. If you implode, just piece it back together-but know this, you NEVER have to do any of that alone. Ever.

 

11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

I don't know about a fighter. Sometimes maybe.  More than anything I'm a survivor, and I endure long past the will to give up has settled in and permeated down to my core.  I don't think that's quite so admirable, but there's a sort of ironic nobility behind resiliency I suppose - getting out of bed even when your every aching muscle (including the brain) screams for you to stay put, getting to work when the very idea makes you want to curl up and cry, or even forcing yourself into the monotonous and back-breaking act of laying a tile floor when your mind is swimming in what-ifs and hope-its.

 

Being a fighter and survivor are, to me, one in the same. You're not out looking for a fight. You are fighting for your integrity. For your future. For a better Rurik today than the day before. Being a survivor is easily one of your most well polished and respected qualities. It's one of the reasons why I love ya so much :). #survivalparkour

 

The what-ifs and hope-its are the doubtful side of your Chatterbox. And you must crash that chatterbox like you would a WoW Raid! The way you deal with things now won't always be the case. The season your in is prepping you and molding you into the battle-hardened warrior we all know and love. But exposing the kinks in the armor is probably the most warrior-ranger thing you can do. 

 

11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Appreciate the sentiment all the same, brother.  I'm torn between cautious optimism and forsaking that for guarded realism rather than my usual brand of nihilistic pessimism.

 

Huh.  I guess that's a victory of sorts all itself.

 

Yup! Definitely a victory. I suspect that come tomorrow's date that things will settle into cautious optimism more so than anything else and you'll feel rejuvenated getting to hang out with her again. Once again, don't nark yourself for dealing with your nihilistic pessimistic side-because that's part of how you're feeling-but, continue to recognize it as something that's holding you back. You can (and will) be free from those chains of pessimism, old friend, it's just going to take a little more time and Harrgathing the sh*t outta life right now. 

 

And you're most welcome, brother! That's what I'm here for as your friend :)

 

Wolf 

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16 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Believe it or not, there are times I genuinely wish I could buy into religion.  I can only imagine the comfort that comes from knowing deep down that everything has a purpose, that there's a plan behind your misfortunes, and that someone loves you unconditionally.  One of my gym friends is going through a catastrophic break-up and she's deeply religious, sometimes of late I've sat back and read/listened to her wax on and on about God's plan for her.

 

But it doesn't click with me.  I don't begrudge you your faith, old friend, and occasionally I wish I had a similar system to comfort me against the impending threat of my other old friend, the Void.  Even still I'm high-functioning enough to know when I'm trapped in an anxiety loops, and should know better than to let it take over my headspace (as you do), but good gods - that loop is as powerful and addicting as it is destructive!

I wish this for you as well. I don't bring it up often because we know where each other stands. Just know my silence is borne of respect, not lack of desire to discuss. I'm available if you ever want to talk about it.

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On ‎8‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 11:15 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

It's like being trapped in a speeding bus; you're aware you need to stop the momentum, slow down, or get off, ANYTHING, but the pedal is broken and there's seemingly nothing you can do about it.

My gosh so much this.  I have never heard/seen a more apt description of being overly aware - I don't have depression but this is exactly how I feel about my anxiety.  I'd almost rather just have a panic attack or a particularly rough anxiety day without knowing it was coming.  Honestly sometimes I feel like being able to see the triggers and watch my body physically descend into the anxiety/panic almost has a snowball effect and makes it come sooner and more strongly.

 

On ‎8‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 3:51 AM, darkfoxx said:

Weren’t we planning something to that effect many many moons ago? While making things mesh for all OG parties at once might not happen, I’m sure smaller groups who happen to be awake and not crazy busy can be had. Some of said participants are also bored AF atm. :P

 

Pleaseeeee yes this <3

 

 

Sorry I haven't been around much this challenge, Rurik - you are an awesome and strong person and I'm sorry you're feeling all these feels.  I can relate to a lot of this - the overanalyzing, the overwhelming feeling of nothingness and apathy while simultaneously having so much stock in one particular feeling or interaction, a lot of "over"-ing I guess.  I don't have much to add, especially considering so many others have already had some really on-the-nose feedback, but I wanted to just say I'm so glad you're back on the boards no matter the vibe of your threads.  You being honest here and letting yourself work through things with people who care about you is all that matters.  Your presence here has truly been missed and you are valued here more than you know :)

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4 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Redundant ditto of redundancy

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

 

Samsies

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Challenge Journal:  9 Sept, 2018.

Honestly a terrible challenge for both goals and check-ins, but managed to string together another 4 weeks of chaos and probably stuck to the forums more than I have in the last year, so...

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And apparently Jamie Lannister is joining Jason Momoa among my pantheon of Spirit Characters.

Didn't eat horribly for the most part.  Averaged 4 CrossFit workouts per week.  A good handful of therapeutic motorcycle rides. Might not sound like much but even a half-victory is a victory of sorts, even when it feels like I'm losing the battle it seems like I'm somehow winning the war, and I'll take it for now.  At least it's a foundation to build on, albeit a crumbly wobbly one.  Time to rest, recovery, reframe and reevaluate how to keep on keepin' on going forward.

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We keep on moving forward.

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