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SkyGirl

The Silver Archer: Temple Quest

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THE SILVER ARCHER: BOOK III

Chapter 2: Return to the Temple

 

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The barracks halls were crowded and noisy with laughing, jostling young students, excitedly rushing to their dorms with crisp new folded vests and shiny weapons or carrying armloads of papers and books under their arms as they pushed their way to the library. The windows' dingy red curtains had been taken down for cleaning, flooding the dusty building with bright sunlight and raising the temperature in the halls, so the smells of sweat and damp clothing gusted to and fro on the bustling breeze.

 

I had only been in the hall for a few minutes before I realized that my black mask and hood were alarmingly out of place in this safe, festive atmosphere, so I slid my mask down around my neck and pushed back my hood as I slowly made my way upstream toward the upstairs exit. I was not in any particular hurry to see Mistral, my mentor, but I felt uncomfortably out of place back in the study halls and dormitories of Temple Island. The memories of my night watches, sunrise skirmishes and long conversations with older fighting peers around the nightly campfire were still closer to me than the older memories of writing in the library or attending archery practice. I was different now. I had been gone less than three months, but in just those few weeks I had become much older than the carefree Temple students. I had seen what it was like to watch and learn and grow outside lecture halls; I had made friends who begged me to stay. Temple Island felt rigid and suffocating.

 

When I finally pushed my way through the dorms and out the back exit that faced the library, I felt somewhat better, breathing the clear air. Still, I lingered, walking slowly through the grounds between the two buildings. I wasn't sure what I would say to Mistral. She had not wanted me to go fight with the Movement to begin with, and I had only heard from her once during my time there. I was not certain whether she would be pleased with my growth or frustrated with my absence. 

 

As I curled my left hand idly into a fist while I thought, my fingertips connected with the callouses that had formed on my palm over the summer - hard, sturdy spots where my Bow had slapped against my palm again and again, where the skin had torn free as I swung it with all my strength to beat off attacks, where my bare hands connected with tree bark and rocks and gravel and walls as I climbed higher to get a better view. The callouses were the proof that I had fought old enemies in new ways and not only survived, but gotten stronger and braver. What was one person's approval or disapproval compared to the lives I had touched and the smiles and hearts that had touched me? What was some temporary misunderstanding compared to the exciting missions that lay ahead in my future?

 

I reached out with my right hand and a swirl of shimmering light leaped to life from my palm. I hadn't used my healing powers much over the last few months - that needed to change. I rested my fingertips softly against my own forehead, allowing the reassuring warmth to calm my anxious thoughts. This was just a different kind of test - to see if I could satisfy Mistral's expectations just like I had satisfied Walter's, Irvin's and Aubron's. Once the test had been passed and I had completed the Temple training, then I would unlock many years of new experiences, connections and missions. I could return to Middle Earth as an independent fighter and go back to protecting my own people. All I had to do was remember my strength and remember my purpose, and not let her cryptic communication and shifting expectations distract me from where I was going.

 

I squared my shoulders and began the walk up the hill. I could do this. 

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WEEK ONE

 

I've been off the radar for a while because I wrapped up my NASA internship and just moved back home on Sunday. My house is full of half-unpacked boxes, the dirty laundry is overflowing into the kitchen, I had to leave my mattress behind so I'm sleeping on the futon, and today was the first day I started to feel kind of normal and back home again. 

 

Today I also had my first semi-official grad school committee meeting, and they gave me the list of things they want me to complete in order to graduate; and ... it's a doozy. I have no idea how I'm going to finish it all. They also didn't leave any room for me to ask my NASA mentor to be on my committee - like, they brought it up in the meeting and opened the floor for me to talk about it, but honestly there's no place for him in the plan they made up for me, and I didn't see any obvious way to change the plan.  :(  It will be a miracle if I finish all these things well and on time; but I'm going to give it my best shot and try to pass with flying colors. They kept telling me I was "first" in several ways - their first student to get a non-thesis communication degree; their first student to pursue a production degree "without training" (I don't know why they keep saying that because I have plenty of training, just not book-learned training); and so on, and they didn't really know what to do with me. And I kind of felt like:

 

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Sorry not sorry.

 

So this challenge will mainly involve getting things in shape and in order: My workouts, my house, my graduation plan, and whatever else decides to fall into disrepair in the coming weeks, because something always does.

 

Goals forthcoming. They will involve sleep goals. And hence, I am going to bed.

 

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I haven't posted here in days because I've had a half-finished goal-setting post that I haven't had the time or energy to finish ... I will finish it, because I know what I want and need to do this month, but I'm tired of not posting here because I can't get that finished. I have a lot of school-related goals to track, and on Monday I'll gain access to the gym again because the semester term will have started, so I can start slowly getting myself back in shape after a long stretch of sedentary living. I have some idea of what all the goals will look like; I just haven't gotten them written up, and I'm tired of not being on here just because of that one post.

 

Anyway.  :)  This week was pretty quiet - spent some time unpacking from my move, pushing paperwork through to graduate in December (yay!), had my first graduate committee meeting and it went okay, and today got my hair done for the first time in three months - I cut it short and dyed the underneath layers deep gray-blue.  :)  I weighed myself for the first time since May and found that I lost half a pound over the summer (?!?!), and while I've been moving a lot more since I got home, I've also been eating more, too. I forgot what a good cook my sister is!! I restarted MyFitnessPal and have been tracking to try to stay on target. Dinner continues to be my most problematic meal.

 

I'll post more tomorrow. I missed you guys this week!!

 

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Okay, y'all, I had this all fancied up, but here are Sky's Short and Sweet Goals for the remaining three weeks of this month:

 

- Walk 3 miles every weekday. 80% or higher success rate means a new pair of shoes, any sort.

- Do 30+ minutes of yoga 2x a week. 80% or higher success rate means a new workout gadget, any sort. (I'm already buying workout gadgets at the beginning of this month, so this reward is a Special workout gadget. More expensive, more statusy, something new I haven't tried before, etc.)

- Do 1 gym workout a week. 80% or higher success rate means an Inkbox temporary tattoo. 

Meet all school deadlines. No rest days on this one. 100% success rate means a celebratory trip to Coldstone Creamery at the end of the month (or, if it's starting to feel like fall by then, a trip to Starbucks for a latte of my choice).

 

I want to add in some mental and spiritual health goals, but I'm not exactly sure what I want those to look like yet, so I'll update when I know.

 

Finally. Let's do this.

 

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Today was a good* day. Meaning, it was good, but with Annoyances.

 

In the first place, I realized last night that today was my very last "first day of school" ever.

 

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After being in school almost continuously for the last 24 years, that's a huge deal, and prompted some slight existential crisis (who will I be after school? Rhett, Rhett, wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do?). Thankfully, that was relieved quickly by my first work meeting, at which my boss (an old acquaintance of mine who treats me more like a colleague than a subordinate) outlined the projects we're going to work on this semester, and I got excited to do some design, web and layout work in addition to the writing I've been assigned to graduate. 

 

The day was a quiet one of work and administrative tasks - submitting paperwork, unpacking my desk contents in our new building, and meeting some new classmates who seem like kind, interesting people. I walked 4.7 miles, ate pretty well, and got a lot of loose ends wrapped up. Unfortunately, because it's me, I had to begin my final semester with Annoyance and Drama.

 

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The first, less interesting one is that my apartment complex back in Maryland pulled a minor clause out from the middle of our lease agreement to justify charging us an additional $600 of rent, because we didn't properly notify them when we were moving out.  :(  :(  :(  They are right, and we missed it, but they were really rude about it. And considering all of our near-miss disasters there this summer - ranging from one roommate nearly being abducted, to the building next to ours burning down, to the creepy "electric company" people who tried to get into our apartment, to a person being literally shot dead in the parking lot right in front of our building - I feel like they owed us a little more regard than they gave us.

 

The other is much more interesting:

 

Spoiler

 

So, early this year, I posted quite a lot about the dude I dubbed The Young Man, a classmate whom I hung out with for a while and considered dating, but with whom my relationship ended very painfully. He quickly rekindled a relationship with an old friend and married her just a couple of weeks ago. Earlier this year I had promised to be at their reception once I got home from NASA; but when the time came yesterday, I just couldn't do it. He has tried repeatedly to push me to extinguish any romantic hurts or feelings I once had for him and to feel toward him like a sister, but ... screw his timelines, I'm not there yet. I wish I were, but I'm not. So I decided not to go. Instead, I messaged his wife privately on Facebook, introducing myself and explaining that I couldn't make it, but inviting her to join me, alone, for coffee or tea so we could talk and get to know each other. I really do want to meet her and welcome her to town, and doing so without TYM there was much more palatable.

 

Sounds good so far, but the problem was, I know him well enough to know that he would confront me about it this week. And sure enough, he came to my desk this morning to express his hurt and surprise that I wasn't there yesterday. I quickly deflected his question about where I was by assuring him I would get together with his wife another time. Unfortunately, that plan backfired - instead of thanking me and going away, he immediately turned my plan into a forceful invitation to come to their house for an entire dinner and conversation. He picked a date and time and said they would come pick me up because they know where I live.

 

I do not want to go. Do you remember that part in the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice where Elizabeth Bennett goes to stay with Mr. Collins and Charlotte, and Mr. Collins spends the whole month rubbing her nose in all the "wonderful" things about his house and his life that she could have had if she had married him instead? That's exactly what he would do, intentionally or unintentionally. He was already starting to do it today, with little comments like "As you taught me, it's important to listen to your woman".

 

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I don't feel bad about enlisting friends and siblings and finding excuses not to go. My feelings are valid and it's okay that I'm not ready to go sit in his house with his wife and pretend it wasn't just less than a year ago that he was hinting about marrying me. I don't have to be ready to hang out with him again just because he is, and I don't have to want to be friends just because he feels some strange need to do so. The only thing that bothers me is that if I defer this time, he'll ask me again. If I tell him I can't go this time, he'll make me pick another date. But at the same time, coming out and saying "I don't want to come to your house" will make it into a Thing, and I don't want that either.

 

So, despite my wish to get to know my very handsome and interesting new deskmate, I will most likely not spend much time at the office for a while, so I don't have to see him.  *heavy sigh*  No, it oughtn't be that way. I should have the right to work at my own desk. But working in other places is a small price to pay to not have to see him and be forced to talk to him when I still want nothing more than to pretend I never met him.

 

 

Hoo-boy, it's going to be an interesting year.  :)  I think my Big Goal for the rest of this year is to find the things in my life that I want to protect and stand up for, and learn how to find the courage to stand up for them. I'm not just talking about protecting my school and work time, although that is important to me this year - I'm tired of my advisor reminding me that I'm bad with deadlines - but I'm talking about my energy, my happiness, my goals, my walk with God, and my health and well-being. It still feels selfish to say that my feelings are worth considering and my energy is worth protecting, but I know it can't be entirely selfish. I don't know why it isn't, but I believe it isn't, and I want by the end of this year to be able to politely but firmly say "No, I can't make it".

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3 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I do not want to go

How about telling him the truth? Simply that you are not ready to do it yet and you will let him know when you are. At that point he can either like it or lump it. You don't need to justify your emotions to anyone least of all him. 

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Did you share the story of the "electric company" trying to get into your apt? I don't remember that creepy story, yikes! I like your big goal for the year. And ditto on what Jon said. Bonus point for a Pride and Prejudice reference and gif- yes I know exactly the scene you mean.

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On 8/21/2018 at 4:01 AM, jonfirestar said:

How about telling him the truth? Simply that you are not ready to do it yet and you will let him know when you are. At that point he can either like it or lump it. You don't need to justify your emotions to anyone least of all him. 

 

On 8/21/2018 at 11:08 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Good job not going. I think Jon is right, it is okay to say you will let him know when you are ready.

 

Thanks guys. I really need to start sleeping on my drama before subjecting you to it.  ;)  I guess it comes down to not wanting to show weakness in front of him - I don't want him to know I still feel funny about him. I want to present like everything is fine and I feel great. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but ... it is. Hopefully he'll forget and everything will be cool, for both of our sakes - I really want him to focus on his new marriage and lovely wife and forget all about me.

 

On 8/21/2018 at 12:48 PM, Elastigirl said:

Did you share the story of the "electric company" trying to get into your apt? I don't remember that creepy story, yikes! I like your big goal for the year. And ditto on what Jon said. Bonus point for a Pride and Prejudice reference and gif- yes I know exactly the scene you mean.

 

I didn't share that story! Twice this summer we had people come to the door in uniform-ish shirts and carrying clipboards and claiming to be from the electric company, saying they needed to come in and "inspect our meters". Our electric company's meters are not in the apartments.  :o  We knew right away they were phonies and didn't let them in, but it's spooky that they tried twice. And what would they have done once they got in???

 

This is actually my favorite Mr. Collins meme:

 

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Today was a good day. I was very productive this morning, despite having the worst shark cramps I've had in many years - I was so thankful we have a couch in our grad office now, so I could lie on the couch and mark papers, because I felt so weak and sick. Thankfully, this time when I took medicine it helped, so after resting and working for an hour I was feeling terribly shaky and drained, but much better. I bought a fancy tea and a peanut butter, honey, and banana crepe for lunch because they were gentle on my stomach, and they were yummy.  :)  I had a class in the afternoon and liked the instructor very much. He shares my views on this type of research methodology and its underlying assumptions.

 

This evening I went to a callout for the grad student senate - I don't think I really have time to run this semester, especially since it's my last, but I am itching to take on more leadership roles. I want to start trying my hand at directing projects instead of just doing what I'm told, and also giving back to younger students and making positive changes on their behalf. I might have to wait until I graduate and get into my real job, but even if I don't run for the senate, I'm going to keep looking for chances to practice leadership.

 

Speaking of getting into a real job, I have a Skype interview with NASA Goddard's Earth Science comm team tomorrow.

 

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I have been aggressively downplaying everyone's assurances all week that I'm a shoo-in for the position, because I know I'm not; but tonight I realized I need to start believing in myself a little bit so I come across as very confident and sure of myself.  :)  My editor - Irvin Blackstone, if you remember him from last month's story segments - messaged me with some tips on the types of questions my interviewer will likely ask and ways to prepare for them, because he knows him and has interviewed with him before. That was immensely helpful. 

 

Time to skim tomorrow's readings and then head for bed. I can't have bags under my eyes at my interview.  ;)  I love you guys!! I'll start posting here more regularly now that I'm figuring out my class routine for the semester!

 

Edit: Oh, and I walked several miles today (my Fitbit said 6 miles but I don't know how - I don't think that's accurate!!), so I'm on track so far for a solid goal week!

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5 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Thanks guys. I really need to start sleeping on my drama before subjecting you to it.  ;) 

 

Is that because you don't want us offering suggestions? :) 

 

5 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I guess it comes down to not wanting to show weakness in front of him - I don't want him to know I still feel funny about him. I want to present like everything is fine and I feel great. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but ... it is. Hopefully he'll forget and everything will be cool, for both of our sakes - I really want him to focus on his new marriage and lovely wife and forget all about me.

 

It's perfectly natural for you to feel that way. In an ideal world the two of you would currently be having a very civil if a little awkward relationship towards one another and everything would be fine. Despite his assertions what he is doing is playing with you and your emotions. Which is exactly what he was doing when the two of you were kinda sorta dating and, if I remember, a major reason why you broke it off with him. 

 

I'm not going to say if that is or is not intentional or premeditated of if he simply has a very hard time letting go (because he seems to need to make sure you know what you are missing). For your part you don't have to put up with it. You are under no obligation to maintain the facade that everything is 'fine' around him. It is okay for you to tell him that you are not ready. It is also okay for you to tell him simply 'no'. You don't want to go out with him and his wife because you are also under no obligation to give him an explanation. Although if you need to give him one you could always tell him that he needs to forget about you and focus on his new wife. Scrambling around trying to find excuses is a trap. It has potential to escalate and backfire so I do recommend that you either do the visit or you put a stop it it. 

 

Good luck with your interview! I'm not going to tell you that you are a shoe in but what you need to do is make sure that you display the qualities that caused them to give you this opportunity to begin with.

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4 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

You are under no obligation to maintain the facade that everything is 'fine' around him. It is okay for you to tell him that you are not ready. It is also okay for you to tell him simply 'no'. You don't want to go out with him and his wife because you are also under no obligation to give him an explanation. Although if you need to give him one you could always tell him that he needs to forget about you and focus on his new wife. Scrambling around trying to find excuses is a trap. It has potential to escalate and backfire so I do recommend that you either do the visit or you put a stop it it. 

I agree with jonfirestar. The thing about his personality type is they are relentless, like high pressure sales people taught to find a way around any excuse to make a sale. In his case the sale is getting what he wants. The only way deal with him is "no" with no explanations, because any explanation you give he'll find a way around. Attention to him is like heroin to an addict, he will do whatever it takes to get his hit.

 

Also, all my best on the interview. Don't worry about wether or not you are a shoe-in, just know you ARE qualified.

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On 8/21/2018 at 6:05 AM, SkyGirl said:

he immediately turned my plan into a forceful invitation

 

On 8/21/2018 at 6:05 AM, SkyGirl said:

He picked a date and time and said they would come pick me up because they know where I live.

 

These two things made alarms blare in my head. He can't just bully you into doing what he wants because he feels the need to. Forcing you will not make you more likely to be friends with him it will just attach more negative things to him. That is just lack of respect to you as a person that he wants to have a connection to, and I am actually kinda angry at your behalf, and would advise to limit any exposure to him. Saying no, I need to deal with my emotions right now not make you feel better/validated is not weak, it is much stronger than letting him bully you. 

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17 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Is that because you don't want us offering suggestions? :) 

 

Of course not!!!  :o  :o  :o  You guys have amazing suggestions! I just feel bad for subjecting you to my petty dramas!

 

Thanks, everyone, for the good advice. I have not seen him since Monday and neither he nor his wife have reached out to me, so I'm going to keep minding my own business for now and prep myself to say "no thanks" if the occasion arises. The best-case scenario is, of course, that we each tend to our own affairs and simply nod civilly in the halls. Unlikely to happen because life doesn't seem to abide by best-case scenarios, but we shall see.

 

Today was a mostly good day. Sharks continued to be much worse than usual and I didn't sleep well last night, so I was very tired and weak and slightly sick all day; and in my partial-committee meeting they reminded me of more work I forgot about, so my already-crammed worklist for the semester got even bigger and more overwhelming.

 

I'm already feeling dangerously high levels of angst and avoidance for it only being the first week of the semester, finding myself falling into my old maladaptive pattern: Getting angry at my assignments (or the people assigning them) and indulging in play activities for too long as a self-destructive form of protest against the size of the workload and my fear that I won't be able to complete it, essentially fulfilling my own prophecy. I can't do that this semester. I have to find some way to deal with the anger and anxiety that doesn't involve sabotaging myself and setting myself up for failure. I've done that in so many semesters over the past 11 years and that's why I'm still in college, still not graduated, not doing a thesis, not living up to my own hopes and expectations. I think I may call the student counseling center tomorrow and see if I can connect with a counselor again this semester, to work through workload and career planning angst. Because I cannot, cannot, must not do this to myself in my final semester.

 

Speaking of career planning, I also had my interview.  :)  I think it went well. The interviewers were all people I knew, including Aubron, but they were all very grave and serious, which made me rather nervous. The questions were difficult, hypothetical ones about how I would react to specific circumstances, how I would improve existing communication processes, how I would liaise between Goddard and Headquarters, and so on. They also got more difficult as the time went on, which was a challenge because my introvert energy started to burn out around the 40-minute mark, and that was when they started hitting me with the really tough questions. Overall, though, I think I represented myself well, spoke clearly, gave thoughtful answers and expressed my flexibility and desire to learn and grow. They asked me to send references, and then I should hear from them in two or three weeks. I still don't have clear feelings on how I want it to turn out ... but again, I will cross that bridge when I come to it; and 1:12AM on a school night is not the time to be pondering emotions.  :) 

 

Tomorrow is Friday and I have a crap ton of work to do over the next three days, so I'm going to try to get a bit more sleep tonight. 

 

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4 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Speaking of career planning, I also had my interview.  :)  I think it went well. The interviewers were all people I knew, including Aubron, but they were all very grave and serious, which made me rather nervous.

Well done you :) I really hope that you get it. Don't worry about them being serious and businesslike. When you are put into the position of interviewing people you know you really have to try and detach yourself from it emotionally and keep things serious. I once had to interview two of my friends and then decide which one to give a big promotion to. That's really hard! 

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7 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I think I may call the student counseling center tomorrow and see if I can connect with a counselor again this semester, to work through workload and career planning angst. Because I cannot, cannot, must not do this to myself in my final semester.

 

This was going to be my advice. A gimmick I want to offer to help till you can get to counseling would be to consider those assignments your enemies. Then consider what the bible says to do about enemies. :) 

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17 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I'm already feeling dangerously high levels of angst and avoidance for it only being the first week of the semester, finding myself falling into my old maladaptive pattern: Getting angry at my assignments (or the people assigning them) and indulging in play activities for too long as a self-destructive form of protest against the size of the workload and my fear that I won't be able to complete it, essentially fulfilling my own prophecy. I can't do that this semester. I have to find some way to deal with the anger and anxiety that doesn't involve sabotaging myself and setting myself up for failure.

 

Oh boy lets give it up for weird coping mechanisms.

 

What helps me is - breaking it down into small steps. But what is important is for the steps to be small enough. I will sometimes write in my planner 'project - open and a name a file for it' and leave that there. It's the tiniest thing I can do. The second thing is viewing it as a challenge, because I'm a bit competitive, and thinking about it like that makes it less scary. 

Hope some of this is of use.

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14 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Well done you :) I really hope that you get it. Don't worry about them being serious and businesslike. When you are put into the position of interviewing people you know you really have to try and detach yourself from it emotionally and keep things serious. I once had to interview two of my friends and then decide which one to give a big promotion to. That's really hard! 

 

Oh gosh, that sounds horrible!! How did you ever manage that?? Was the friend who didn't get promoted mad?

 

And thank you.  :)  I think I hope I get it. Honestly, I'm so happy being home again where it's comfortable, that I think it'd probably be good for my growth to get back out of comfortable-land and go out there again. It'd be familiar work, people, and surroundings, but provide the next level of going out there with no return date in sight. Like, living there. I do not get warm fuzzies at the thought of living in the DC metro area again, but warm fuzzies are not required for good growth opportunities ... my mom is already researching good apartments along the bus line and helping me calculate prices, so she's pretty stoked. I think she and Dad would be pretty happy to be able to say their daughter worked for NASA.  :) 

 

11 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

This was going to be my advice. A gimmick I want to offer to help till you can get to counseling would be to consider those assignments your enemies. Then consider what the bible says to do about enemies. :) 

 

Umm, heap coals of fire on their heads? Pray for them? Do good to them that hate you and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you?

 

... I am going to talk to the counseling center next week.  :) 

 

1 hour ago, Echoceanic said:

 

Oh boy lets give it up for weird coping mechanisms.

 

What helps me is - breaking it down into small steps. But what is important is for the steps to be small enough. I will sometimes write in my planner 'project - open and a name a file for it' and leave that there. It's the tiniest thing I can do. The second thing is viewing it as a challenge, because I'm a bit competitive, and thinking about it like that makes it less scary. 

Hope some of this is of use.

 

Viewing it as a challenge does help me feel better because I have a very strong "I SHALL NOT FAIL YOU CANNOT KEEP ME DOWN" stubborn streak. The problem is that my anxious / angry avoidance thing is definitely not a coping mechanism; it's more like an internalized protest. What I want is to yell at the professor and say "this is too much work and I'm overwhelmed and can't finish it" or "I'm sick of being ordered around and never getting to do what I want", but of course they're assignments and I have no choice; so I essentially just passive-aggressively don't do them until a) I get tired of my play activities or b) I panic and realize it's 11PM and I haven't started my homework yet. It's neither helpful (I don't actually voice my worry / frustration / resentment / anxiety to my professor) nor logical (I only end up hurting myself, as I pull all-nighters, miss deadlines, and turn in low-quality work due to running out of time). It would be much smarter to find outlets for my anger or anxiety so I can vent and then get on with the work.

 

Interestingly, my advisor was the one who started me thinking in this direction, because last year she told me she suspected I couldn't finish my thesis because I simply didn't want to. After taking a break from thinking about it for a summer, I think she was thinking in the right direction. I think I turned my resentment and frustrations with her inward, and avoided my thesis work instead of voicing or venting my feelings; and so even though I did want to complete a thesis, my avoidance prevented me from completing any of the steps.

 

It's frustrating to realize that, once again, most of this is my own fault. If I had dealt with my defensiveness and other bad feelings in a productive and healthy way, I might have had a thesis. But I'm going to try to dig into that process in counseling this semester, and hopefully unlock it and start fixing it so I don't sabotage my life any more.

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Today was a nice day - a bit quieter. I had some really good, encouraging meetings that lifted my spirits. In the morning, I had coffee with one of my favorite professors in the department, who asked a lot of questions about my NASA internship and encouraged me not to let anyone make me feel bad about not completing a thesis. He said that in his mind, it's much more important to write or produce something that people can use and read than it is to do a research project that will sit on a shelf somewhere and never get used. He said he was very proud of me and that he wanted to help in any way I needed to finish this semester successfully and go do great things.  :)  That was much needed. And in the afternoon I had a meeting with my new assistantship boss - we have known each other for many years and he knows my work, so he gives me lots of creative freedom and half the meeting wound up being comfortable chatting. It was a nice day.

 

Still didn't feel great today ... lack of sleep is a credible culprit. Sharks were better, but I still felt very tired, foggy, and a little nauseous. Walked 5 miles anyway. I came home early and ate an early dinner and have rested all evening (including splurging a little in online shopping), and am feeling much better. Tomorrow my dad and I are going to fly in a vintage plane and I'm so, so, so excited. I promise to share pictures and video.  :D  Tomorrow I also need to get to the gym and/or do yoga, and I have a lot of homework to do in the afternoon ...

 

So ... goodnight.  :) 

 

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