Onward

[Kishi]

"Fatigue makes cowards of us all." - Vince Lombardi

 

"Life sometimes is a thing you live through." - Me. Just now.

 

But yeah, peritraining nutrition is a serious problem if you're trying to fuel well. I've barely got a handle on it and I still feel sometimes like I could do better. Still, nothing wrong with a brute force approach to figuring out what doesn't work. ;;

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 221.2 lbs (9lbs total loss)

Sleep: 9 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallon

Protein: 150 grams

 

Meals:

10:00am - Egg whites, cheese, oatmeal, blue berries, coffee, multivitamin 

1:00pm - Greek yogurt, honey, strawberries, granola, green tea 

5:00pm - Chicken, Asparagus, green tea

8:30pm - Banana

11:00pm - Protein Shake

 

Fitness:

AM - MMA/Boxing

PM - 3 Miles/46 Minutes

 

Notes: Somehow weight went back up 2lbs. Have a feeling it might be water weight due to some saltier foods yesterday. Increasing water today and will see if that evens out.

 

Officially getting back in competition training with my Coach, which means I have extra workouts outside of class. I was super excited, what would it be? Super secret Russian Bodyweight exercises? Ancient Japanese conditioning drills? Super intense UFC interval training?

 

Nope.

 

I’m way overweight and might injure myself, so I get to do jogging and football field laps....

 

I know its for the best and my Coach is one of the best at what he does, but it wasn’t the super cool start I was hoping for. Very much relating to the beach clean up in My Hero Academia or the classic Wax On/Wax Off business, though both of those seemed to pay good dividends. Realistically it’s going to be about a year before I am competition ready again, so slow, steady, and injury free is probably the way to go.

 

Time to break out the old running shoes I guess...

[Urgan]

I'm sure it is water weight, almost nobody gains two pounds of fat in a day. Especially not when they did boxing AND pavement-pounding the same day. 

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 218.6 lbs (12lbs total loss)

Sleep: 7 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallon

Protein: 150 grams

 

Meals:

10:00am - Egg whites, Oatmeal, almonds, craisins, coffee, vitamins

2:00pm - Greek yogurt, honey, strawberries, granola, green tea

5:30pm - Chicken & veggies, green tea

8:30pm - Protein shake

 

Fitness:

AM - No Gi Jujitsu 

PM - Weights: Shoulders/Arms/Obliques 

 

Notes: Weight evened out, turns out it was indeed from the saltier food. Focused on staying the course through the weekend and potentially hitting 215lbs by Monday. If I can hit that stride then should mark the start of my standard competition weight drop of 3–5lbs per week. All about dialing in the input and output, but sometimes that takes a bit...

 

Tough day at work, best not to dwell on it but suffice to say I have to put more emphasis on a market I am still learning. It’s not my favorite, but that’s the job. Still, feels like I wasted the last 6 months, which is always nice.

 

The competition ramp up continues. In addition to physical conditioning I have personal development and strategy homework. Coach noticed when I rolled today that I’m fighting myself to let go of being agitated and asked how much low-key personal development time I take a day. Answer was zero so going to start taking an hour a day to read a stack of personal and professional development books I’ve been putting off. Then on the strategic side downloaded Mind Vector and need to start building out a visual flow of my Jujitsu game including position and submission chains, notes on application and development, as well as how my game is playing out when I roll.

 

To quote the venerable AC/DC:

[Urgan]

On 5/17/2019 at 11:29 PM, ReturnOfTheDad said:

Tough day at work, best not to dwell on it but suffice to say I have to put more emphasis on a market I am still learning. It’s not my favorite, but that’s the job. Still, feels like I wasted the last 6 months, which is always nice.

 

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: Traveling, no scale

Sleep: 9 Hrs 

Water: 3/4 Gallon

Protein: 80 grams (way low)

 

Meals:

1:00pm - Bacon Cheese burger, fries, coffee

5:00pm - Chicken sandwich, salad, iced tea

10:00pm - Protein bar

 

Fitness:

Wkt 1 - Muay Thai

Wkt 2 - No Gi Jujitsu 

 

Notes: Glad I finished a week on the new training regimens, but definitely needed a rest day. Off again on my monthly trip to the West Coast. It was sooner than expected due to the Memorial Day holiday next week, so not thrilled about leaving the family after only 2 weeks at home, but work is work.

 

Streamlined packing which is nice, what was not nice was the 5 hour flight delay, which I’m almost coming to expect when going DFW to PHX. Was able to get some work done and had a surprisingly good dinner at the airport while waiting. 

 

The side hustle of Start Up Business Development consulting is moving along. Have my second client, which is exciting. I’ll probably take on one more then hold off for a bit since the only time I have to do the consulting sessions is Sunday afternoon and don’t want to cut into evening family time. It is incredibly rewarding to help someone achieve their dream by helping them develop their business. Would love to do it full time some day, but baby steps.

 

Last couple of days have really been a stretch. Learned some valuable lessons on self care while traveling and not stacking my plate too full. As nice as travel can be it can also be draining and frustrating. I realize I basically struggle moderating ANYTHING and went just as overboard on my travel planning as other substances from my past. Fortunately I have good friends who help point that out to me and share their experiences that help me adjust course faster than I would on my own.

 

I also know sticking to the basics has its merits and that is not something I have been doing. Last couple of days let the diet, sleep, and recovery meetings slip. Bad combination that started me down a pretty rough path. Had some good guys check on me and chat by phone. It gave me some perspective, a few laughs, and a large chunk of sanity that I had been chunking piece meal into the pit of my addictive tendencies. So glad I have a support network that helps me through these tough times, which includes having safe space like NF fitness to honestly share my comings and goings and the friends I’ve made here that take the time to read my ramblings and offer the support that means more than you know.

 

I hope you all have a good rest of the evening (or morning) and thanks for being the amazing community that you are.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: Traveling, no scale

Sleep: 7 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallon

Protein: 140 grams

 

Meals:

9:00am - Egg white & veggie burrito, oj, coffee, vitamins 

12:30pm - Turkey burger, steamed veggies, iced tea

3:00pm - Matcha latte

7:00pm - Chicken burrito, chips, green tea

11:00pm - Chicken skewers and eggplant

 

Fitness:

Wkt 1 - Weights: Chest/Tricep/Lower Back

Wkt 2 - Run: 3 Miles

 

Notes: Doing much better today. Back on eating healthy, regularly, and hydrating. Didn’t get as much sleep last night but it was worth it to finally unpack and get situated in my hotel room and clear out my email inbox (I’m one of those weird folks that compulsively keeps it empty).

 

Work appointments haven’t gone the way anticipated but have worked out we’ll schedule wise none the less. Trying to go with the flow and enjoy being in Southern California, which is a place I’m really coming to enjoy. Tough to beat an office view like this in the morning:

 

The training continues, Muay Thai wasn’t bad yesterday. Kicks are coming back but still a little cautious on clinch work with my back being a little sensitive from throwing it out 2 weeks ago. Jujitsu is just a steady grind. Managed to pull off a few reversals and 1 submission amidst trying not to throw up in my partner. No heaving was done so I guess that’s a win as well.

 

Overall it’s been a good day. Finished up by finding a late night Chinese place after lifting and running. As in legit LEGIT Chinese. As in I am the only person not conversing in Mandarin and there is bullfrog on the menu:

 

Crazy the twist and turns a day can take, but very thankful to be along for the ride.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 117.9

Sleep: 8 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallon

Protein: 150 grams

 

Meals:

9:00am - Raisin Bran, coffee, vitamins 

12:30pm - Skirt steak, potatoes, beans guacamole, tortilla, chips, soda

4:00pm - Greek Yogurt, banana, pb & honey protein shake.

10:00pm - Whey protein shake 

 

Fitness:

4 x 800 Meter runs w/ .5 mile warm up and cool down

      Lap 1: 4 min

      Lap 2: 6 min

      Lap 3: 7 min

      Lap 4: 7 min

 

Notes: Rough couple of days with travel and reorienting to hone life. Biggest challenge is being on West Coast time and taking a day or two to get back on track. Not sure if there are things I can do to speed up the process or that it’s just something I have to get used to.

 

These runs are kicking my tail. Debating going back to 1 workout a day for a bit until I get used to them. Only 89 out today and may as well be the Sahara. I know the extra 50lbs has a lot to do with it. When I’m at competition weight I actually preferred to run with temperature around 105, much closer to how hot it feels in my gi when rolling, plus I’m just a hot weather creature, my heavy jacket goes on the second it drops below 70.

[Urgan]

On 5/27/2019 at 10:59 PM, ReturnOfTheDad said:

These runs are kicking my tail. Debating going back to 1 workout a day for a bit until I get used to them. Only 89 out today and may as well be the Sahara. I know the extra 50lbs has a lot to do with it. When I’m at competition weight I actually preferred to run with temperature around 105, much closer to how hot it feels in my gi when rolling, plus I’m just a hot weather creature, my heavy jacket goes on the second it drops below 70.

 

That feel. The dojo thermostat reads 68, it might as well be the surface of the sun some nights. Particularly test nights.  

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: Didn’t weigh in

Sleep: 8 Hrs 

Water: 1 gallon

Protein: 150 grams

 

Meals:

10:00am - Egg whites, cheese, cinnamon roll, fruit, coffee, vitamins

1:00pm - Banana & Green Tea

4:30pm - Greek yogurt, honey, blueberry, green tea smoothie

7:00pm - chicken fajitas, turkey dogs, veggies 

9:00pm - Protein Shake

 

Fitness:

Weights - Shoulders/Legs

 

Notes: Hit another depressive low after a crazy week of work and lots of changes. I’ve heard that pain is the price of growth and I think I’ve wrestled with my depression on my own for long enough. A friend of a friend at the recovery group I attended passed this last week. It’s unclear what the cause is yet, but this young man did have a failed suicide attempt 6 months ago. Knowing that mental illness is no respecter of age or amount of time in sobriety, I’ve decided it’s time to go back and talk with my psychiatrist to explore the medical route again. I’m not in the scary place I’ve been in the past, but I also know where I am is not good, and there are medical professionals that can help if I’m willing. Trying to focus on the basics today of mindfulness, healthy eating, exercise and getting some good sleep, and will be making an appointment with my psychiatrist first thing on Monday morning.

[Kishi]

Hey, good for you to be responsible. There's no shame in reaching out for help. It's like the first thing we learn how to do, really, when we're small to the point we can't help ourselves.

 

So you wanna get back to basics? That's a good way to do it.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 217.0

Sleep: 9 Hrs 

Water: 3/4 gallon

Protein: 160 grams

 

Meals:

9:30am - 2 Egg white wraps, vitamins, coffee 

1:30pm - Protein bar & tea

3:30pm - Mozzarella & red pepper sandwich

6:00pm - Chicken Teriyaki, rice, sushi roll

9:30pm - Protein Shake

 

Fitness:

Weights - Chest/Triceps/Lower back

Cardio - 4 x 800 meter runs

 

Notes:

Have been processing a lot lately about the whole going back on the medication route for my depression and took a bit of a break from social media, diet, etc. In a better place now and getting back on it. 

 

I have a lot of fear around being open with Doctors about mental health. There’s always this sneaking suspicion I’ll get locked away in a looney bin some where (Largely because it happened before, and with good reason given the insane amounts of alcohol I was putting in my body regularly). I know things are different now and as I’ve been more honest there have been other friends in recovery that have been thinking about going to get medical help as well. Maybe a part of this is being open, willing, and honest throughout this process and maybe my experience will help someone else. Doctors appointment is scheduled for Thursday morning and should hopefully know more then.

 

Back in California for a quick trip. Slowly getting better at packing the day before, just not as great at going to sleep early the day before, but it’s progress. Air travel these days is quite a thing. Random tSA screening, several gate changes and a one hour delay later I get to sit next to a lady who somehow snuck tequila into a mini Dasani water bottle, got herself nice and buzzed, devoured a snickers, and slathered herself in vaporub before passing out for 2 hours in the poorly ventilated cabin. It is not a smell I will soon forget....

 

On the upside got a chance to try a Japanese place by the hotel that I’ve been meaning to get to after I landed. Had some amazing teriyaki chicken (house made sauce) and sushi. There was a bit of a language barrier but that kind of added to the experience. Lovely elderly Japanese couple run the place and I look forward to stopping here in future trips.

 

Lifting happened, had to take a step back from 185 to 165 on my lifts to focus on form. Was making 185, but just barely and could see myself pulling something. Did sprints today, which I do not enjoy, but Coaches orders and I know they pay huge dividends on the mat, ring, and generally in life.

 

Time to pass out before a busy day of meetings tomorrow. Good to be back.

[Kishi]

Aw, dude, that kind of Japanese food is the beeeest. I used to have a place like that to go to back when I was in college - it's this unassuming little place in a seedy strip mall where young and poor people go, but the food was as close to authentic as I've ever seen it.

 

Also, hey, as someone who works in health and human services, allow me to help you disregard the voice in your head telling you to be afraid of going to the doctor for mental stuff. They're there to help you, and there's no shame in needing help. I know one doesn't necessarily rationalize away one's feelings, but I do hope that one passes sooner rather than later for you.

 

On ‎6‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 12:56 AM, ReturnOfTheDad said:

Back in California for a quick trip. Slowly getting better at packing the day before, just not as great at going to sleep early the day before, but it’s progress. Air travel these days is quite a thing. Random tSA screening, several gate changes and a one hour delay later I get to sit next to a lady who somehow snuck tequila into a mini Dasani water bottle, got herself nice and buzzed, devoured a snickers, and slathered herself in vaporub before passing out for 2 hours in the poorly ventilated cabin. It is not a smell I will soon forget....

 

Holy carp! That sounds like it could've gone worse.

[Urgan]

On 6/10/2019 at 11:56 PM, ReturnOfTheDad said:

Back in California for a quick trip. Slowly getting better at packing the day before, just not as great at going to sleep early the day before, but it’s progress. Air travel these days is quite a thing. Random tSA screening, several gate changes and a one hour delay later I get to sit next to a lady who somehow snuck tequila into a mini Dasani water bottle, got herself nice and buzzed, devoured a snickers, and slathered herself in vaporub before passing out for 2 hours in the poorly ventilated cabin. It is not a smell I will soon forget....

 

2 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Holy carp! That sounds like it could've gone worse.

 

Speaking of headache-inducing aromas.....woof.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 218.4

Sleep: 10 Hrs 

Water: 1 gallon

Macros: 160g Protein, 110g Carbs, 90g Fats

Calories: 1700

 

Meals:

10:00am - Egg white breakfast sandwich, tomato slices, oj, coffee, vitamins 

2:00pm - Greek yogurt, honey, strawberries, almonds, green tea

4:30pm - Protein bar & green tea

6:30pm - Tofu & Broccoli 

8:30pm - Protein shake

 

Fitness:

Weights - Back/Legs/Shoulders/Biceps

 

Notes: Had my meeting with the Doctor about my depressive episodes and much to my surprise, the diagnosis wasn’t depression. Apparently I have textbook Mixed Bipolar Disorder. As the doctor told me more about the disease she named off symptoms that I didn’t even know were associated with the disease that I thought were just things unique to me (apparently really good sense of smell and difficultly sleeping are common things with bipolar). Turns out they aren’t so unique. It’s taking some time to gain acceptance on this. There isn’t a cure for this other than life long medication therapy. I don’t think thats something anyone gets excited about hearing, but it’s a lot less time intensive than what I do for my sobriety. Objectively it’s taking a tiny pill once a day and a 20 minute check in with the doctor a few times a year. 

 

A big challenge I’m having with this is a lot like what I felt when I got sober. There are so many parts of this disease that have defined who I am for so long, I don’t know who I will be without them. I do have some experience, strength, and hope in getting sober to know that when I got treatment for my alcoholism I became a better husband, father, worker, and friend. I have faith that getting treatment for my Bipolar Disorder will probably be something like that, just don’t know what it will look like, and I know from previous experience that that’s okay.

 

Busy day, squeezed in some gym time and got mostly caught up on my lifting for the week. Getting to bed a bit early and looking forward to a nice day of family and friends tomorrow.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 219.7

Sleep: 7 Hrs 

Water: 1 gallon

Macros: 130g Protein, 130g Carbs, 100g Fats

Calories: 2000

 

Meals:

9:00am - Protein bar, coffee, vitamins

12:30pm - Greek yogurt, honey, mangos, green tea

3:00pm - Banana

6:30pm - BBQ, fried chicken, veggies

 

Fitness:

11:00am - Training: Boxing

4:00pm - Conditioning: 3x800m Intervals

      1 - 6 min

      2 - 6 min

      3 - 7 min

 

Notes: Adjustments to medication are ongoing. Definitely feel more even, but still a bit sluggish. Exercise and green tea seem to be helping.

 

I’ve been surprised on what’s been most difficult to deal with. I don’t miss my depressive episodes, but I am definitely missing the manic times (did not know they were manic). It was equal parts physical and mental rush with the feeling that nothing was impossible and that I could do it all. I know that was really unhealthy now but it feels very much like going from a pot of coffee a day to the occasional herbal tea (also probably healthier). Strangely found myself wistful and tearful today from missing it, but I know I was causing a lot of damage to myself and those around me. I’m a little more than half way through the adjustment period of 1 week for the medication, but I think there are some things hat are going to take longer to adjust to since this is all I’ve ever known.

 

Rest of the day went well, went a little over board on dinner, but not too terrible.

 

On to another day and more Dr. Appointments tomorrow to confirm the diagnosis.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

Met with a counselor this morning to talk about adjusting to life with treatment for bipolar disorder. Biggest challenge is typically acceptance of not having the high highs of manic episodes and staying on medication. It’s going to take a while to process through this. The counselors recommendations in addition to our sessions is meditating 3 times a day with the Headspace app and journaling, which I’ll work on doing more regularly here.

 

Not sure how to feel about things right now. Still hasn’t hit me that this is a condition that requires lifelong maintenance. The counselor said usually hits people after a little bit and that’s when they start going off meds and rough things can happen.

 

Just working on continuing to be mindful and accepting as all of this unfolds.

[Sloth the Enduring]

You seem pretty mindful already, I have to guess that you’ll work through this just fine.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: Traveling

Sleep: 7 Hrs 

Water: Didn’t Track

Macros: Didn’t Track

Calories: Didn’t Track

 

Meals:

Didn’t Track

 

Meditation:

None

 

Fitness:

10:00pm - Weights: Chest/Triceps/Lower back

10:30pm - Conditioning: 4x800s

      #1: 5 min

      #2: 6 min

      #3: 7 min

      #4: 7 min

 

Notes: Still tweaking travel to Phoenix. New partners, new clients, new schedules. Progress not perfection. Got a workout in so that’s something.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 220.2

Sleep: 8 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallons

Macros: 130g Protein, 160g Carbs, 130g Fats

Calories: 2250

 

Meals:

9:30am - 1/2 PB Sandwich, coffee, vitamins

12:30pm - 2 Tacos & soda

1:30pm - Grilled cheese & iced tea

3:00pm - Latte

5:00pm - Ice cream

7:00pm - Pizza

11:00pm - Protein shake

 

Meditation:

10:00am - 5 Min

11:00pm - 5 min

 

Fitness:

8:30pm - Weights: Shoulders/Legs/Obliques

 

Notes: Glad to be back home. Focusing on getting into a rhythm and had the very helpful suggestion from my Coach to get a training journal, but the one he suggested has so much more. It’s called the 90x journal and has a great structure for setting and achieving goals. Doing the pre-work now but will add more on my experience with it when I start July 1st.

 

Meds adjustment has been a pain. Don’t have the energy from the manic episodes and just feel like I’m moving through water. Unfortunately it’s effecting most things (relationship, work, family) since I’m used to going at a much faster pace. Not going to lie, it sucks. People say they are supportive and ask how they can help,  to which I respond “I’m running a little slower on this medication, so please be patient with me.” To which they say “oh yeah, of course, whatever you need.” Then quickly forget the second they need something and don’t know why I’m not doing things at my normal manic pace.

 

I think a big part of this is going to be setting more firm boundaries as I adjust to this new speed. I have to take care of me because aside from one friend who also has this, no one really has experience with what I’m going through are even know anyone who is bipolar other than me. They try, but in the end they forget pretend  this isn’t a major adjustment for me, guess it’s easier for them that way. I don’t know what life is going to look like and what relationships are going to make it. I know I have to get used to this because I was heading to a really bad place before emotionally and the mortality rate for mixed bipolar if they get off meds is 15%. Not bad odds, but given that I was hospitalized once before during a depressive episode my odds are probably not great.

 

Spent the day with Mrs.ReturnOfTheDad celebrating our 10 year anniversary. Tried to be as present as I could. Had a nice time and ate a bunch of junk food and went to some fun places. I know just because I am dealing with stuff, life goes on and I try not to postpone or miss out on things. She doesn’t know what to make of me on this medication and I don’t either, just doing the best we can I suppose.

 

Finally got a workout in after putting kids to bed. I know the spouse would have liked to spend more time together but her idea of connection is sitting next to each other and not talking. With everything going on with me right now that feels like torture. A good 2 hours of hard lifting definitely helped and is putting me in a place to be the kind of company she wants right now.

 

Macros and calories were off today with all the junk food. Looking forward to getting back to the regular eating schedule tomorrow and hopefully the new routine this week. I was skeptical of the meditations recommended by my therapist, but they seem to be helping. Currently using Headspace for the first 10 free mini sessions and may try the paid sessions out latter that.

 

It’s been a rough day. Made a point to myself to try and start finding something funny about each day. Some of the best humor usually comes out of the darkest places, so considering where i feel like I’m at there should hopefully be some chuckle worthy nuggets in here somewhere. Couldn’t think of anything then remembered something we saw at the Cider-Cade we went to today, which is a Cider brewery that added an arcade:

 

So picture this, copious amounts of booze, cider stills, and hipsters....and an 8 year old birthday party. Kid you not, someone had the brilliant idea to host little Billy’s birthday party at a brewery. Also worse, THE BREWERY SOMEHOW GAVE THIS THE GD STAMP OF APPROVAL. I love that a conversation had to happen where the Cider Proprietor (I imagine him to be a Chad, so let’s call him Chad. I image most Chads enjoy a fine hard cider). Chad says, “A birthday party? Sure! We do those all the time. How old, 80? Little high on the liability for hip breaking on DDR but sure...oh...8? Meh, why not, just keep em away from the stills, we can’t have that Willie Wonka sh*t happening again, one more Augustus Gloomp gets sucked into the Chaderator Summer Blend, we’ll lose that Gentleman’s D we’ve been holding onto with the health department for sure.” No offense to any Chad’s out there, but I imagine this particular Chad is no stranger to the barely passing 60 in any given academic endeavor....Okay who am I kidding, I know that term because I my self have gotten by on said 60s. Let’s just hope the paramedics all did better than Chad and I when little Billies posse start getting picked off Wonka style.

 

With that, a victory in making it through another day. Good night and on to tomorrow.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Nice job getting a workout in with everything you have going on.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 219.6

Sleep: 9 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallon

Macros: 160 Protein, 160g Carbs, 80g Fats

Calories: 2250 Calories

 

Meals:

9:30am - Egg Whites, oatmeal, craisins, almonds, vitamins, coffee 

2:00pm - Chicken quesadillas & sweet tea

6:00pm - Pho Chicken & Noodles, Green tea

9:00pm - Peanut Butter scoop & milk.

 

Meditation:

10:00am - 3 Min

11:00pm - 3 Min

 

Fitness:

7:30pm - 3 Miles

 

Notes: Mrs. ReturnOfTheDad is sick and down for the count. Flew solo taking kids to church, an indoor play place, lunch, chilling at home and took care of dinner today. The challenges keep coming but had a chance to talk with a friend who was going through some tough times as well, which helped. Considering where we both were a few years ago, stuff today is what we would call “Cadillac Problems”.

 

Got in a decent run, really trying to get my

mind right. Funny thought for the day, hard to know what ‘right’ is when you’re your mind isn’t. One of the big things I wrestled with that led to me finally talking to a doctor was hearing things, which auditory hallucinations can be a part of bipolar, such was my case. Nice to know that the part of our brain that processes sound is right next to the part sees massive chemical fluctuations during a manic or depressive episode, so the medication I’m on has now stopped some of the more disturbing stuff I was hearing. Problem was I didn’t realize the good stuff I was hearing wasn’t real either. Apparently it is not entirely normal to have God talk with you during a manic episode you didn’t know you were having. You heard it here first kids, God sounds exactly like Jeff Bridges as The Dude from The Big Lebowski. At least for me anyway....but is that such a stretch philosophically speaking? If you disagree, that’s, like, just your opinion man.

 

Real or not I hope you all take a little suggestion from your inner Dude or if you don’t have one you can use mine. Abide my friends, and good night.

[Urgan]

On 6/29/2019 at 11:40 PM, ReturnOfTheDad said:

Meds adjustment has been a pain. Don’t have the energy from the manic episodes and just feel like I’m moving through water. Unfortunately it’s effecting most things (relationship, work, family) since I’m used to going at a much faster pace. Not going to lie, it sucks. People say they are supportive and ask how they can help,  to which I respond “I’m running a little slower on this medication, so please be patient with me.” To which they say “oh yeah, of course, whatever you need.” Then quickly forget the second they need something and don’t know why I’m not doing things at my normal manic pace.

 

I think a big part of this is going to be setting more firm boundaries as I adjust to this new speed. I have to take care of me because aside from one friend who also has this, no one really has experience with what I’m going through are even know anyone who is bipolar other than me. They try, but in the end they forget pretend  this isn’t a major adjustment for me, guess it’s easier for them that way. I don’t know what life is going to look like and what relationships are going to make it. I know I have to get used to this because I was heading to a really bad place before emotionally and the mortality rate for mixed bipolar if they get off meds is 15%. Not bad odds, but given that I was hospitalized once before during a depressive episode my odds are probably not great.

 

Sounds like they're trying to figure it out right alongside you in a way. A very human way. The good ones will (eventually) get it figured out, the rest--well. Saying you need understanding in an abstract sense isn't as actionable for others as being asked to accept that certain concrete activities just won't be happening, or perhaps not at the pace previously obtained. I don't suppose you are comfortable with saying "no" to people?

[ReturnOfTheDad]

10 hours ago, Urgan said:

Saying you need understanding in an abstract sense isn't as actionable for others as being asked to accept that certain concrete activities just won't be happening, or perhaps not at the pace previously obtained.

 

Good point, I imagine it will take a while. I don’t have a problem telling people “no” as much these days, but I do tend to have unspoken expectations which can be just as bad.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

2019: Year of the Wandering Monk

Weight: 218.2

Sleep: 6.5 Hrs 

Water: 1 Gallon

Macros: 155 Protein, 130g Carbs, 65g Fats

Calories: 1500 Calories

 

Meals:

9:30am - 2 egg white sandwiches, vitamins, coffee 

12:00pm - Greek yogurt, honey, mango

3:00pm - 3 Cheese sticks, apple, almonds

6:00pm - Chicken, rice, veggies

11:00pm - Protein Shake

 

Meditation:

4:00pm - 5 Min

11:00pm - 3 Min

 

Fitness:

30 minutes of Intervals - Jump Rope, Weight Sled, sprawls

Weights - Chest/Triceps/Lower Back

 

Notes: Long day, hit goals, did things.