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RedStone

RedStone Is Totally Clutch

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On 9/21/2018 at 2:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Blast Tyrant is awesome. So is that chair massage and you.

 

OMG it's so good. Totes my favorite!

 

On 9/21/2018 at 8:32 AM, CourtnieMarie said:

that's crazy about the massage gift and you knowing her! i would like to find a new masseuse. where'd you get the chair one done? all i can think of are those stalls in airports...

 

It was the rando girl assigned to my pedicure at the nail salon! She had the biz. I got her name and card... I feel like I can totally justify a quickie every so often!

 

On 9/21/2018 at 11:37 AM, Starpuck said:

Have fun in the Nash!   I hear that's a great hockey town.  I'd love to catch a Predators game some day!

 

UGH it was so fun. What a cool town! Def recommend if you like live music.

 

18 hours ago, dsavage said:

Subbed for awesome music recommendations.

 

sup redstone?

 

HIIIIII How's all mister? Long time no see! <3

 

_____

 

So. I never finished my - I'm back - post from Nashville. It was awesome. I'm feeling better re: my stomach, and starting to work with coach Christina. Working out is going fine, bench increases continue to surprise me while squat increases continue to leave me feeling beat up. Studying is hapenning again, and work is boring. So life goes on I suppose! 

 

I'm feeling like I may need to re-evaluate my goals as things have changed a bit? I'll look at that this weekend, still 2 weeks left!!

 

 

 

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I just logged out of facebook and disabled it from my phone. I'll still have limited messenger... but man do I need to get away from that endless misery cycle of scrolling and scrolling that's it's become for me. 

 

Meanwhile, I'll clarify this a little later in the day after I put it down here and stew a bit, but the last 2 weeks of this challenge are going to change a bit. Drinking less has changed considerably since my health issues. This past week I only drank twice, and really noticed myself not enjoying it the second time. I'm taking the awareness as a win. I've started working with coach Christina, and have an appointment with the gastroenterologist to rule out some big stuff.

 

I also plan on speaking to her about possible hypoglycemia, which, now that I'm not drinking so much, is easier to see certain patterns. It hapenned on Friday... I had the day off and WOO 3 day weekend! I had a few plans (study) but mostly just chill. It was very unstructured and I ended up sitting and scrolling scrolling FB being sad and mad. By 1pm I hadn't eaten yet, was fairly hungry, but had a block on what to do. By 1:30 I had full on symptoms of a blood sugar crash - similar to what I've had surrounding the gastritus, minus the other symptoms. Shakiness, dizziness, that cold numb feeling around my shoulders. I felt better shortly after eating, I think worth mentioning to the doc. 

 

TLDR I don't know what my nutrition goals are going to be and I'm just going to call it - keep working with my doctors and coach, keep an open mind, and do what they say. There's a lot going on with this mental and physical, not really sure how else to sort it!

 

I did get studying in the week - several sessions - I finished a section and passed the test. Felt good. (Woo?) I want to keep my free time full of positive enriching activities. I believe this is a new priority. Study, read, make art and music. I've reached out to the local music school to see about classes and am working today to clean up my studio - which is the ONLY room in the house that hasn't had an overhaul this year. I've been putting it off. No more. I looked at other jobs available in my area. Also felt good. That's a pretty telling sign I think!

 

Okay food for thought. Hopefully will be coming back with some well defined directions for the next coupla weeks!

 

 

 

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Hey girl, hey.   You do what you gotta do to do you.   *sage nod*    There's nothing saying that challenges and goals have to be these perfectly defined things.    You're taking steps to get some info and more data, and then sort things out once you have it.   That in itself is a lot of work and worthy of patting yourself on the back.

 

We're all here, and nothing you can do can make us adore you less. :)   So take that!

giphy.gif

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oof sorry to hear about the crazy dizzy spell :(  can't forget to break that fast!

 

also hope you see some mental ease after removing facebook. i never scroll that thing but i am chained to instagram. i'm very picky with who i follow on there though.

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On 9/30/2018 at 11:57 AM, RedStone said:

 

TLDR I don't know what my nutrition goals are going to be and I'm just going to call it - keep working with my doctors and coach, keep an open mind, and do what they say. There's a lot going on with this mental and physical, not really sure how else to sort it!

 

So don't. :)

 

There are several parts to goal setting, and finding out exactly what you are dealing with and what you have to work with, is the first and most important step. Any navigation app will tell you that it's impossible to provide directions to someone who refuses to provide it with a starting point. You can't travel to something without knowing exactly where you are traveling from, and you are right now in the process of figuring that out. And that is the most important part, so don't try to rush it. Don't stress if it seems like it takes a while. Deal with the here and now, and worry about setting goals later.

 

Also, my Facebook feed became a lot less depressing when I discovered that it's possible to Mute a person without unfriending them. :)

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8 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

oof sorry to hear about the crazy dizzy spell :(  can't forget to break that fast!

 

Yeah, I'm kind of thick aren't I? :lol: good news is that I feel closer and closer every step of the way to a healed relationship with myself, buffering and consumption, self harm and all that jazz. I'm feeling more metal every second.

 

9 hours ago, Starpuck said:

Hey girl, hey.   You do what you gotta do to do you.   *sage nod*    There's nothing saying that challenges and goals have to be these perfectly defined things.    You're taking steps to get some info and more data, and then sort things out once you have it.   That in itself is a lot of work and worthy of patting yourself on the back.

 

6 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

 

So don't. :)

 

There are several parts to goal setting, and finding out exactly what you are dealing with and what you have to work with, is the first and most important step. Any navigation app will tell you that it's impossible to provide directions to someone who refuses to provide it with a starting point. You can't travel to something without knowing exactly where you are traveling from, and you are right now in the process of figuring that out. And that is the most important part, so don't try to rush it. Don't stress if it seems like it takes a while. Deal with the here and now, and worry about setting goals later.

 

totes. I'm feeling pretty good about what's been hapenning, even though it's a little like a rock bottom sort of thing - but every step from here is up. Tomorrow is a super big day - I have work, then a call with coach followed immediately by the gastro specialist. Then work again, but then a sketchbook event at a venue in town that I love! Hopefully going to see some friends from that community, something I think I need to balance out gym life.  Thanks guys :wub:

 

9 hours ago, Starpuck said:

We're all here, and nothing you can do can make us adore you less. :)   So take that!

 

<3 <3 <3 

 

8 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

also hope you see some mental ease after removing facebook. i never scroll that thing but i am chained to instagram. i'm very picky with who i follow on there though.

 

6 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

Also, my Facebook feed became a lot less depressing when I discovered that it's possible to Mute a person without unfriending them. :)

 

Yeah, I tend to have a heavy unfollow hand, but I needed a real break. Lately it's been a whole lot of everybody/everything else, and not enough RedStone :nightmare: I'm gonna be a selfish bitch for awhile and recenter on me, the things that truly give me joy. I'm sure I'll be back eventually, but this feels right for now!

 

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5 minutes ago, RedStone said:

 

I'm gonna be a selfish bitch for awhile and recenter on me, the things that truly give me joy. I'm sure I'll be back eventually, but this feels right for now!

 

There's nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. It's a smart and healthy thing to do.

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12 minutes ago, scalyfreak said:

 

There's nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. It's a smart and healthy thing to do.

 

Lol yes, fair enough. More self love, no need for name calling!

 

giphy.gif

 

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13 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

 

Yeah, I'm kind of thick aren't I? :lol: good news is that I feel closer and closer every step of the way to a healed relationship with myself, buffering and consumption, self harm and all that jazz. I'm feeling more metal every second.

 

Celebratory Dance GIF - Dance Wootwoot Happydance GIFs
 
13 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

<3 <3 <3 

Dog Smile GIF - Dog Smile Menacing GIFs
 
13 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

 

Yeah, I tend to have a heavy unfollow hand, but I needed a real break. Lately it's been a whole lot of everybody/everything else, and not enough RedStone :nightmare: I'm gonna be a selfish bitch an extra amazing human for awhile and recenter on me, the things that truly give me joy. I'm sure I'll be back eventually, but this feels right for now!

 

#amazing GIF - Amazing GIFs
 
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4 hours ago, Grumble said:
 
 

 

I just got schooled repeatedly on my call for self depracation so there you go :lol: 

 

I need to divorce the concept of apathy from the empowerment of rebellion. Who's got some thoughts on this for me??

 

 

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53 minutes ago, RedStone said:

I need to divorce the concept of apathy from the empowerment of rebellion. Who's got some thoughts on this for me??

 

I find those two things almost anathema, I'm curious to understand how you correlate apathy and rebellion. I feel like you can't be apathetic and rebellious at the same time, the very act of rebellion showing at least a passing interest in changing 'something'.

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6 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

I need to divorce the concept of apathy from the empowerment of rebellion. Who's got some thoughts on this for me??

 

I'm curious how and why they got married in the first place?

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17 hours ago, Grumble said:

 

I find those two things almost anathema, I'm curious to understand how you correlate apathy and rebellion. I feel like you can't be apathetic and rebellious at the same time, the very act of rebellion showing at least a passing interest in changing 'something'.

 

11 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

 

I'm curious how and why they got married in the first place?

 

This is one of my pieces of cognitive dissonances. There's a firm bit of denial concerning the apathy (YES I most certainly do care), but the dismissive is there to protect the fear that I cannot change that I want to change, either because it is unchangeable (bigger than me) or because I am unable to due to personal shortcomings. So I pass things off "pssht, whatever," so I won't be disappointed in myself, or embarrassed. I'm currently working to rewrite the dismissive side to help support the rebel as needed. I think an easy way to start would be to be aware of every time I dismiss something. (Apparently I say "whatever" fairly often - so that should be a good place to start.)

 

Speaking of starting... the day:

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, RedStone said:

This is one of my pieces of cognitive dissonances. There's a firm bit of denial concerning the apathy (YES I most certainly do care), but the dismissive is there to protect the fear that I cannot change that I want to change, either because it is unchangeable (bigger than me) or because I am unable to due to personal shortcomings. So I pass things off "pssht, whatever," so I won't be disappointed in myself, or embarrassed.

 

 

That's not apathy. Stop calling it that, and there's your divorce. :)

 

Being afraid of failure is normal and a part of human nature. Letting it paralyze us, probably not. I'm the same way, in fact, fear of failing to change what I want to change, is where Procrastination gets the majority of her powers over me.

 

The way my brain sees it, when I put off trying to change that difficult thing I want to change, what I am actually doing is delaying a painful and inevitable personal failure. Learning to believe that the failure may not happen, is one of the big things I'm working on lately. Since I'm logical/analytical in my approach to problem solving, what really seems to help me is to force my stupid brain to spell out why it's convinced my attempts will end in failure. That gives me something tangible to tackle, instead of emotions. A legitimate reason is an obstacle I can work with. A despondent feeling of "I am too stupid do get this right", is not.

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So it looks like I haven't really updated here at all! Oh RedStone this challenge had a little meander about the block. That's ok. One more week, right folks? I'm looking forward to a new one.

 

On 10/3/2018 at 12:47 PM, scalyfreak said:

That's not apathy. Stop calling it that, and there's your divorce. :)

 

That's the idea! It'll take some practice but I'm working on it and it's starting to stick a little.

 

On 10/4/2018 at 9:30 AM, CourtnieMarie said:

i read this article the other day that is related to this conversation: https://offbeathome.com/microdosing-pain/

 

getting down to the nitty gritty whys of avoidance and approaching that fear in a controlled way <3 

 

This reminded me of the Mark Manson book a little :) I def had that experience of letting everything be awful all at once in a - this is too much - kind of way. I like this quote, and speaks back to @scalyfreak's ideas as well: "The solution is more likely tiny steps towards filling capability gaps and healing. It's making the proactive choice to develop strengths, instead of the choiceless reaction of living in fear and desperately working around perceived weaknesses."

 

So yeah, I'm thinking a lot about the compound effect of daily activities, choices and habits, and I think this (has a lot to do with all this stuff) will be my focus next challenge. 

 

______

 

Had a pretty damn good weekend. Mr Red is out of town for an unfortunate last minute bad news family thing. It wasn't needed for me to go, so I filled my time with all sorts of super fun social! I had brunch with a friend and we made some great contacts about some ideas I have going forward (more on that later). We also talked about doing a craft night every other week! (She's doing yoga training the rest of the time) I could def use a semi regular social/creative/girl night so I'm stoked about that.

 

Later that night I went to comedy night with a bunch of the other female trainers at work. This was kind of a big one as I've been feeling really disconnected to the group recently and I wanted to check my emotions on that. Interesting win - I was all prepared to NOT do the suburban mom going out look and do jeans and boots and a band tee... but halfway through dressing I found myself reaching for a cool silver top I love that I bought 20# lighter and haven't dared put on since. I thought I'd see how I felt in it, why not, and I. FELT. AWESOME. I did the rest of the outfit pretty much as planned so it was more rock and roll than prosseco anyway (I know, I know, anything can be rock and roll if you throw it against the wall hard enough), but TLDR I felt great. Hanging with the girls was fun and I felt included. 

 

I didn't stay out too late because the next morning I got up at 6am to drive down to Brooklyn and see some of my college buddies/old roommates from when we first got back to NYC. We had an amazing day out and the drive wasn't as terrible as I'm always afraid it will be. I'm trying to remember that so I can go out into the world and do more stuff I love. 

 

I ended up stopping at IKEA for some reason and getting... groceries. It was just too busy to do a casual browse for toilet brushes and shower curtain liners. But they make chicken meatballs now so Mr Red will eat them! And I got some delish muesli @Jord!!! (Even got some almond milk later so I could eat it cold.) 

 

Today was chill. Gonna be a crazy week leading up to my endoscopy (did I mention that was hapenning? I'm doing the laundry list of tests for my stomach woes, just to rule out the big stuff.) So clients got moved around, almost everyone is accounted for. So Thursday is off, and then Friday evening we're off to a weekend in Virginia for a wedding. (Possibly... Mr Red just called and he's not making it home tonight because of delays, so we might just go Saturday morning, we'll see.)

 

So you know. 

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4 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

This reminded me of the Mark Manson book a little :) I def had that experience of letting everything be awful all at once in a - this is too much - kind of way. I like this quote, and speaks back to @scalyfreak's ideas as well: "The solution is more likely tiny steps towards filling capability gaps and healing. It's making the proactive choice to develop strengths, instead of the choiceless reaction of living in fear and desperately working around perceived weaknesses."

 

I like this as well. Take back some of the control that drowned in the fear of whatever it was that was so scary. :) 

 

Thank you @CourtnieMarie for posting that link!

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WALL OF TEXT INCOMING

 

I had such a great food day yesterday! Super unexpected. I woke up hungry and had a bowl of IKEA muesli. Was awesome. I miss cereal. Then I had a busy morning at work and was hungry at 12 and decided to have a protein cookie bar thing and get in a super fast lift during my break.

 

So this week I committed myself to super quick 20 mins sesh everyday (except Thursday I think... unless they say it's ok to do some planks or something) Very minimal breaks (15-30 secs). Monday was back (TRX stuff, pulldowns, various rows), yesterday legs (KB swings/squat circuit, leg press, multi hip kick back, split squats and cable woodchop lunges - not bad for 15-20 mins). 

 

Right after my quick lift I was in the pool with a client and decided to stay for a water class that hapenned after since I was cold and wet anyway. The work was light, but by then I was crazy hungry and left early to beat the crowd to the showers and go get my foods. Had a fresh direct chicken over tabbouleh thing and was still hungry after that! Followed it up with a protein shake (It was better than eggs @Grumble - in terms of my mood. Freakin vanilla whey is like having a warm bottle and being hugged and rocked to sleep.) 

 

I did some crafting for a baby shower I have coming up, then Mr Red came home from his trip! Yay! We went to eat around 7 (I was noticeably hungry again), and had these amazeballs string beans my ramen place makes and a kimchee hot dog. And some amazeballs shochu. I got through most of the dinner, really fucking enjoyed it without it being a thing, (and ended up putting the string beans ON the dog. It was beautiful.) and I only had the one drink, didn't feel sick from it, enjoyed it, and forgot about it.

 

I was a little hungry again right before bed and had a few cashews from Mr Red's travling. Didn't wake up hungry today, but feeling content and that my body got what it needed. Reflux is down from last week, and I'm reaching for the tums less.

 

So yeah, I feel like I listened to my hunger, honored it, didn't make a big thing about it even though there were a few moments of - this is too much, I'm falling into a trap - but by the end of the day I felt super satiated and emotionally content. This is one of the biggest wins I've experienced so far.

 

Meanwhile, I start a small group coaching program with Coach Christina in a few weeks. This is the first time in a long time I feel really under control of my bulimia and it's a priority to continue that. (I honestly can't remember the last time I had an episode... probably in Nashville, just before I started working with her. Actually yes, I think that's when.) So I'm looking forward to that, and for the next challenge, will probably just leave the nutrition side up to the week to week work we do there. 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, raptron said:

Big wins. \o/ That day of food sounds divine.

 

So good! And honestly... I just retroactively tracked the day (more or less since restaurant food) and it still came in under 1800. Crazy. I have to trust myself to eat more!

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21 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

So good! And honestly... I just retroactively tracked the day (more or less since restaurant food) and it still came in under 1800. Crazy. I have to trust myself to eat more!

so happy for you!

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