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Ensi

Ensi - Urban Pirate Witch Cherishes Autumn

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Autumn is here. I am returning from my voyage at the seas to settle down for the winter. I have met many new people, seen many new places, felt both desperation and the highest of joy, and now I wish to stay still and cherish everything I have. The pirate ship is wonderful for conquest and adventure, but my soul needs time to stay still. I will create a safe space for the winter, where I can rest and grow.

 

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Goal 1: Sisu

 

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At the beginning of this year, I was fortunate enough to meet someone, who not only helped me to discover a part of myself I had hidden away, but also to love that side of myself. He's not here anymore to cherish that side of me, so I will do it myself.

 

Weekly cherishing menu:

 

take at least 20 minutes every day to cherish the things you love + daydream

 

Goal 2: Grow Strong

 

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Weekly workout menu:

 

2 strength training workouts

2 yoga practices

1 wild card (university sports, running, etc.)

 

This is the recommendation. If I feel sick or incapable of working out, I will take extra rest instead.

 

Goal 3: Create

 

tumblr_pewmd4Jblw1uaouwuo1_1280.jpg

(art by amberryland)

 

I have started my studies, and I've only now understood how creative I get to be (game design, digital art). I would like to practice new techniques and styles, and for this, I'd like to take time every week to work on my art skills.

 

Weekly art menu:

 

do at least one sketch a day

try out a new technique every week

 

**

 

That's it, for now! As you can see, this is a very simple challenge, but I think it has everything I need right now :D Let's enjoy the autumn!

 

tumblr_p3pcyw65tu1un115xo1_540.jpg

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1 hour ago, WhiteGhost said:

Following along for the next part of your adventure

 

You're most welcome! :)

 

27 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Getting comfy to follow the thread

 

 

I was so worried that the gif would end before the doggo found a comfortable spot :D And welcome, get as comfy as Wolverine likes! Ask for more pillows, if you need some...

 

**

 

I did 40-ish minutes of yoga in the morning. I can't help but notice the effects yoga has on my body: the more I do it, the more I'm aware of every part of my body, and during my practice I don't think about what I do, I just sense it. The poses have become so familiar that I don't think "and now I move to downward facing dog", I just do it, and my main focus is on breathing. I do Ujjayi breathing through the vinyasas, and normal breathing while warming up and cooling down. The Ujjayi breathing is the key, because it's audible and I have to focus on creating it - I don't have the time to think about anything :D Or, I don't need to focus on not thinking, because I'm so focused on the sensations of my body. All in all, I'm getting back to my yoga groove, and I practiced push-ups before cooling down! We're at 6-5-5 now ;)

 

I'm also happy to say that I'm starting to get comfortable in my own skin. In the last challenge, I said that I have to stop looking for fulfillment in other people, and I'm starting to see what it means, and how I can do it. The most remarkable people in my life have helped me understand myself better, but I have thought that they're the only ones who can understand those sides of me, and so I keep looking for them and feel incomplete without them - when, in fact, it is me who can understand and cherish those sides. I can choose to honour those sides of myself, and I don't need anyone else for that. I can't help it that sometimes you lose connections with people, but I don't have to lose the connection to myself that those people might have helped me set up. That's what's my first goal is about: taking time every day to cherish those sides of me, and daydreaming about good things.

 

... I am also shamelessly embracing the fact that I can't pick between the Druids and the Assassins, so I'm just gonna be a hybrid. All in all, I'm currently working on embracing all sides of myself instead of trying to limit myself.

 

fca8c03426e15ab3653147e47d252d9a.gif

 

In practice, this challenge will be filled with both mental AND physical training :D Enjoy!!

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Hey Hello Hi, finally found you. :)

Stalki.... uhm... following now! :D

 

A Drussasin hybrid is a very nice idea.

 

Quote

That's what's my first goal is about: taking time every day to cherish those sides of me, and daydreaming about good things.

:wub:

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2 hours ago, Arkania said:

Hey Hello Hi, finally found you. :)

Stalki.... uhm... following now! :D

 

A Drussasin hybrid is a very nice idea.

 

Hi! Welcome, nice to have you here :D A Drussassin? That's better than what I had in mind... *shoves a name tag with "Ass-Ass-Wood-Dude" under the carpet*

 

**

 

Lucky me! Went for a walk in the forest (#sisugainz), and avoided a huge thunder storm! It went past me by a couple of km at most. When I returned home, it had rained around my neighbourhood, and when I got inside, it started to rain in 5 minutes. Pheww... Well, I got my daily dose of sisu, and my body's stress symptoms are a lot better than a couple of days ago. I'm gonna keep studying a bit, and then play Skyrim. I haven't been much of an RPG kinda girl, but I'm giving it a go...! My character is a blonde female Nord (of course), and I'm currently gonna retrieve some dragon stone from some dungeon. Or something. Sounds fun! :P

 

I have a job gig tomorrow. I was offered one today, and I refused, because I wanted to study. Somehow this gave me a motivational boost: I'm turning down job = money, which means that I should treat my studies with the respect they deserve. So, I'm gonna ride this motivational wave for now! Have a nice Wednesday evening, y'all <3

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3 minutes ago, Ensi said:

 

Hi! Welcome, nice to have you here :D A Drussassin? That's better than what I had in mind... *shoves a name tag with "Ass-Ass-Wood-Dude" under the carpet*

 

Ahahaha, I like how you are thinking :D:D:D

 

Quote

Lucky me! Went for a walk in the forest (#sisugainz), and avoided a huge thunder storm! It went past me by a couple of km at most. When I returned home, it had rained around my neighbourhood, and when I got inside, it started to rain in 5 minutes. Pheww... Well, I got my daily dose of sisu, and my body's stress symptoms are a lot better than a couple of days ago. I'm gonna keep studying a bit, and then play Skyrim. I haven't been much of an RPG kinda girl, but I'm giving it a go...! My character is a blonde female Nord (of course), and I'm currently gonna retrieve some dragon stone from some dungeon. Or something. Sounds fun! :P

 

#sisugainz is the best I read today, nice one! :D

I tried Sykrim (and I AM an ROG kinda girl). Didn't grab me. Then I tried Witcher 3 (didn't want to do but was on steam sale... you know.... ;) ). And wooooow, this was amazing! But maybe it wasn't the time for Skyrim. Will give it a try after Witcher (which I will finish this week :( ). Maybe this time is the right time.

Quote

I have a job gig tomorrow. I was offered one today, and I refused, because I wanted to study. Somehow this gave me a motivational boost: I'm turning down job = money, which means that I should treat my studies with the respect they deserve. So, I'm gonna ride this motivational wave for now! Have a nice Wednesday evening, y'all <3

 

Your day sounds amazing! Have a nice evening, too! :wub:

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3 minutes ago, Arkania said:

 

I tried Sykrim (and I AM an ROG kinda girl). Didn't grab me. Then I tried Witcher 3 (didn't want to do but was on steam sale... you know.... ;) ). And wooooow, this was amazing! But maybe it wasn't the time for Skyrim. Will give it a try after Witcher (which I will finish this week :( ). Maybe this time is the right time.

 

 

Huh, I've heard mixed opinions about Witcher 3! I might give it a go :) I usually play games like Tomb Raider, Shadow of the Colossus and Crash Bandicoot AND SPYRO, because they're somewhat simpler and not so much about gathering objects and loot. I like to have a clear story that I play through, but I'm open to craft something more of my own right now :D Give it a go!

 

6 minutes ago, Arkania said:

 

Your day sounds amazing! Have a nice evening, too! :wub:

 

Thanks! You too :)

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On 9/12/2018 at 8:37 PM, Terah said:

Love your challenge. And you. Keep up the good work :love_heart:

 

Happy to have you here, Terah :love_heart:

 

8 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Lurker mode (re)activated!

 

Here for this :)

 

Lurk away! :D Good to have you here!

 

**

 

Job was fun last night, but I am mentally exhausted.

 

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I automatically take on a whole different role when I'm at the library, and it's really tiresome. I talked about it with a friend, which helped. I'm gonna spare you the details, but I'm gonna keep working on the crushing feeling of isolation and loneliness that's seriously bad for me (my friend told me that the problem is that I blame myself for my feelings, which is true, and I'm trying to stop doing that now). It's like some armor that keeps repelling all the love and compliments people give me. What's positive, though, is that I've started to learn how to calm myself down. I was really tense yesterday, and I noticed that I had a ton of thoughts just racing around my head. I was able to say "SHUSH!" to them, and it had a noticeable effect. I'm basically gonna learn how to parent myself :P I also managed to shut down a panic thought about applying for that beginner coding job - right now, the best thing for me is to sit my ass down and cherish my studies. I should also just learn how to sit down with my feelings and not to try and change them all the time. *hands over the wheel to the universe and goes to take a nap in the backseat*

 

On the good side of things, my weekend assignment is to design and sketch graphics to the game we're developing! I was already mentally prepared to having to learn how to apply the graphics to the game, but my group just told me to do the illustrations and not to worry about the implementation. Then I realized that oh yeah, I'm not alone with this task :o So, I don't necessarily have to focus on learning to know everything about the coding that's required in this assignment. Instead, I can focus on creating the graphics, and keep learning web coding on my own time. Yay!

 

As for exercise: didn't really happen yesterday, but I did some walking. I will do a kettlebell workout later today :) I'm gonna go to the library soon, and then I have a couple of lectures. Have a lovely Friday, everyone!

 

ED; I called Mom and vented, and she managed to help me :) She told me that it's OK I can't do all the things, and that my Inner Critic is being too harsh on me. I can just tell it, "I'm sorry, I can't do this / I don't want to do this / I'm too tired to do this." And it's OK. I've bullied myself with thoughts like "you gotta be the very beeST LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS!!!"  which is not helpful at all. I feel a lot better already...

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3 hours ago, Ensi said:

I noticed that I had a ton of thoughts just racing around my head. I was able to say "SHUSH!" to them, and it had a noticeable effect.

You tell that inner critic to just SHUSH right up! 

Image result for shush gif

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4 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

You tell that inner critic to just SHUSH right up! 

Image result for shush gif

 

:D Today's been a lot better...! I'm just telling the IC, "I'm sorry, I can't do everything as well as you ask of me" and I can already feel a huge mental barrier being lifted off my poor little brain. I'm glad that talking about this helped me :) Let's keep sushing!

 

... and I'm gonna apply for that beginner coder thing. I've been thinking about it, and today my friend told me that her friend had said that the company would love it if I sent them an application letter. I mean, if they want to meet me, I could ask them more about the job and whether it could be possible to do it part-time while I study. They are looking for someone they could train, so I imagine they would be prepared to have a student. So, I'll apply, and see if they want to meet :) This job would be good for my career goal, too: web development in an company that creates websites. Ya feel?

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Couldn't decide whether to go for a run or do a kettlebell workout yesterday after my classes, so I did both: I warmed up by doing a 20-minute jog around the river with a couple of sprints and then came back home to work on push-ups and kettlebell exercises (total workout time 60 minutes). I finished the workout with some exercises to support handstand-progression: I lifted myself to a top of a push-up, and then lifted my legs on a chair and walked my hands closer to the chair so that my weight was on my hands (is there a name for this position?). Push ups: 6-6-5. I'm not completely happy with my form: I can't really control my mid-section. So,  I'm thinking of doing 4-4-4 next time, with extra focus on keeping my mid-section in check. I'll work on them tomorrow while I do my yoga practice :)

 

I'm happy that I started jogging again this summer...! I enjoy it, and even though I was worried for my knees, they're OK :) I visited a physiotherapist a couple of years ago, and she gave me instructions on how to stand up right: I used to lock my knees while standing, and my weight was on the inner sides of my soles. These days I don't lock my knees, and I keep the weight on the outer sides of my feet (trying not to overdo it, though). It's become automatic, and even though my left knee is a bit wonky and isn't OK for some yoga poses, I'm happy. All in all, I feel like I'm getting in better shape, but I'm also aware of how important it is to take enough rest. Today's a rest day for the body, and active day for the mind: I'm gonna do my homework and do sketches for the game.

 

As for mental lifting: I've reevaluated the beginner coding thing, and now that I've seen how much effort and time my studies currently take, I think it would help me get forwards. I guess I've felt guilty about the library, thinking that I should try and pursue a career there. It's like I somehow feel that I don't deserve to get what I want, you know? I've somehow twisted the idea that "job isn't always nice" to "job isn't supposed to be nice". Or, "life isn't always nice" => "life isn't supposed to be nice". It's so easy to tell other people to enjoy their lives, but me? I must remain under a bridge and eat a dead fish every morning. Two, if I'm lucky :D:D:D Haha, a little humour always helps...!

 

All would be extra OK, but I woke up hungry at 4 AM and needed to have a small snack before I could fall back asleep, and even then I felt unfocused when I woke up :D I've struggled with sleeping badly after working out, so I'm gonna start eating more before I go to bed... (I used to deny myself eating after 6 PM. So pointless...) I'm gonna finish watching Infinity War (my Saturday morning cartoon haha), get lunch, and get to work! Enjoy your Saturday, friends :)

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5 hours ago, Ensi said:

I lifted myself to a top of a push-up, and then lifted my legs on a chair and walked my hands closer to the chair so that my weight was on my hands (is there a name for this position?)

It sounds like the top of a pike pushup

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5 hours ago, Ensi said:

I lifted myself to a top of a push-up, and then lifted my legs on a chair and walked my hands closer to the chair so that my weight was on my hands 

That must have looked so cool! 

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2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

It sounds like the top of a pike pushup

 

Yes, that's it!

 

90-degree-pike-pushup.jpg

 

I held the position for 15-20-20 seconds. Pike push-ups, though...

 

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A bit later ;)

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

That must have looked so cool! 

 

... MAYBE?? :D Not sure how cool it looked, but I'm amazed at how not-painful it feels. Haha!

 

1 minute ago, Arkania said:

Muscle up?

 

In this economy? Harharharharhar

 

:D What I meant to say that these muscles of mine will need to work a bit longer to do that! Thanks for the suggestion, though, I might work towards that one day...

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Refer to my editing :D

But pike push up is also cool!

I tried elevated push-ups today for the first time of my life and found they were easier than normal ones. Don't know why.

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1 hour ago, Arkania said:

Refer to my editing :D

 

Ah, I see! :D No worries! I hate it when I make a typo or some other mistake and then race to fix it before anyone can read it... The struggle is real :'D

 

1 hour ago, Arkania said:

 

But pike push up is also cool!

I tried elevated push-ups today for the first time of my life and found they were easier than normal ones. Don't know why.

 

Yup, push-ups are cool B) Interesting thing about the elevated push-ups! How long have you been practicing? Or how many normal ones can you do? O__o

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Uhm not that long.

10 normal push-ups most the time. I think it's my abs that limit me when doing normal push ups. I have a hollow back (and so a form that is not really good) and so I have to tense my abs a lot while doing normal push-ups. (And my muscle memory is not thaat good since I did so little sports the last years).

And when doing elevated push-ups it's more on my arm muscles which are relatively good because of bouldering.

At chin-ups I am at 3 in a row and pull-ups 2,5 :D

I practice push-ups for about a year now but at best once a week when I think of it.

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13 hours ago, Ensi said:

I hate it when I make a typo or some other mistake and then race to fix it before anyone can read it... The struggle is real :'D

 

Edit function saves lives.

 

12 hours ago, Arkania said:

I think it's my abs that limit me when doing normal push ups.

Now I'm hoping that is my same problem and I want to try pike push-ups.

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Oh man, what's wrong with my brain these days?

I didn't mean elevated push-ups like having your hands higher than your feet but that your feet are higher than your hands. So I meant declined push-ups.

I have a memory like a goldfish.....

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18 hours ago, Arkania said:

10 normal push-ups most the time. I think it's my abs that limit me when doing normal push ups. I have a hollow back (and so a form that is not really good) and so I have to tense my abs a lot while doing normal push-ups. (And my muscle memory is not thaat good since I did so little sports the last years).

 

5 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Now I'm hoping that is my same problem and I want to try pike push-ups.

 

I see the three of us have a similar goal...! We shall be the Ab-vengers! D8<

 

**

 

A healthy and balanced lifestyle is stress-eating chocolate for breakfast and meditating 20 minutes in a forest in the afternoon, right? :D I started working on my CV yesterday, and I try to make it nice and modern looking (Canva is the best), but focusing on the design makes me tense...! I get so immersed that I forget to breathe and look around every now and then. I stressed about the design in the night, and breakfast was a stress-fest. But! I found a medicine today: listening to French chansons while working! They have such a feeling that they erase the stress and dread in my brain while I work. Awesome :) And it's been a good day! I went for a morning walk around the river, and I just came back home from an hour's walk in the nearby forest (where I climbed on a big boulder and meditated). While meditating, I apologized myself for being so strict with myself, but I also thanked myself for doing good things for myself (eating a healthy snack, going out in the forest to relax). And it's not only for things I do, but things I feel. "I'm sorry that I'm so tense with the CV, but it's important to me." This way of talking to my Inner Critic is definitely making things turn around...! I somehow distance myself from the strict demands, and it makes me understand just how harsh I am to myself. I will continue practicing this :)

 

I just had dinner, and I have sauna reserved in an hour B) I'm gonna work on the application letter before sauna, and do my math homework in the evening. I'm also gonna go over the game design group's discussion to see where we're at... In the last couple of challenges, I've talked about how I've felt like I'm going towards something new, and now I'm starting to see that I've moved to that new place. And it's good here :) It's not perfect (I still miss some people and feel lonely at times), but I'm working hard for my dreams, and I'm financially safe. If I had known this a year ago...! I wonder where I'll be next year :) Enjoy your Sunday evening!

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