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Ensi

Ensi - Urban Pirate Witch Cherishes Autumn

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11 hours ago, jcsimmons said:

Lurking!

 

Oh hi!! It's been a long time! Welcome back! :D

 

**

 

I sent my application to the company yesterday - after being stressed af for a couple of days O__o I didn't sleep well and I was really anxious about it! I was worried about not having enough time, not being good enough for the job, and getting myself into something I wasn't ready for. But after I had sent the application, I relaxed and realized that maybe NO ONE is quite happy and relaxed while writing application letters :DD I also asked my language tech instructor, if she could be my referee, and she said that she'd be happy to tell them good things about me ("but I wish we have time to work together in the future, too!"). So, now all I can do is wait.

 

I managed to find calm moments even while I was stressed (relaxation practices, walking and meditating in the forest), and yesterday I paid extra attention to calming my nerves down by doing a relaxation practice in the afternoon and yin yoga before going to bed. I put the lights out at 10 PM, and woke up at 7:40 AM :love_heart: Writing the CV + application made me very anxious, but I'm gonna take it as a practice for myself: there will be times like this in life, and I was able to find moments of calm, which I'm proud of :) But yeah, I've worked hard, and I can focus on doing my routine things this week: studies, a job gig at the library on Wednesday, and working out. The online course released new workout programmes on Sunday, and I'm gonna check out their new kettlebell programme this week! My throat is a bit sore, though, so I'm gonna take it easy today and do some more yoga. 

 

Enjoy your Tuesday, everyone! :)

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On 9/15/2018 at 7:12 PM, Ensi said:

I held the position for 15-20-20 seconds. Pike push-ups, though...

 

Haaa pike push-ups are one of the meanest things in the world gneeee :stung:

 

On 9/16/2018 at 4:10 PM, Ensi said:

I try to make it nice and modern looking (Canva is the best),

 

Oh thanks for sharing the tip, I'm going to have a look.

 

Crossing fingers for that application!

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34 minutes ago, @mu said:

 

Haaa pike push-ups are one of the meanest things in the world gneeee :stung:

 

 

tumblr_inline_mkt0mlRgNE1qz4rgp.gif

 

37 minutes ago, @mu said:

 

Oh thanks for sharing the tip, I'm going to have a look.

 

Crossing fingers for that application!

 

Go ahead! If the website starts to get slow when you're working, try and refresh the page. Canva automatically saves the changes you do, and it started to get slower and slower the longer I worked. Refreshing the page helped :) And thanks, I'm waiting to hear from the application...! My language tech instructor also told that there's a possibility to work at the university next year. Why are there suddenly so many opportunities??

 

**

 

I've been under the weather today, so I've taken it easy. I've done yin yoga and focused on calming my nervous system. The online course has offered all sorts of yin yoga videos and other relaxation practices, and I'm starting to see that they're really beneficial to me. My biggest health issue are the racing thoughts that make me tense up and activate my nervous system so that my body can't rest. I feel like I've now got more tools to handle that, and after seeing the change in how I feel, I know I need to keep practicing :) I cleaned up a bit, and set a yarn across the room for the pothos vine to grow on. It's grown since I bought it, and I'm waiting for it to take over >8D I'd love to have something like this:

 

100_6913_2s-epipremnum-aureum.jpg

 

But it's gonna take a while, because it's autumn and I don't think any plant is hardcore enough to grow during winter in Finland. Oh, well. I've also done some sketches for the video game course, and the group was happy with the initial sketches :) Can't wait to start doing the artwork in Photoshop! I haven't heard back from the company yet, but I'm not really stressing about it: I am financially OK, and I can apply for the university job opportunities later on, if they don't have need for my skills right now. I wonder if I was too hasty with sending the application, but hey, everything's gonna be OK. And I'm not alone.

 

Well, I made one change in my habits today: instead of buying a bar of chocolate, I bought some liquorice sweets! I do like having something sweet at the house, so instead of banning chocolate, I'm allowing other kinds of sweets for now :) They're my favourite kind of liquorice sweets, too, so I'm happy with them. I've had issue with buying chocolate and then having this inner conflict about not being allowed to eat it, and ergh. I'm not capable of handling it right now, so I'm allowing myself to remove the problem and do something else, instead. If something keeps bothering me and I can't find a solution, I'm allowed to drop the issue or try to find an alternative solution. Besides, I'm somehow tired of eating so much sweets. I could replace them with fruit, or something.

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18 minutes ago, Ensi said:

 If something keeps bothering me and I can't find a solution, I'm allowed to drop the issue or try to find an alternative solution.

This is wisdom talking.

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10 hours ago, zenLara said:

This is wisdom talking.

 

I talk the talk, but do I walk the walk?

 

tumblr_inline_okxksn4MZD1t7e2jr_500.gif

 

**

 

Feeling balanced and calm this morning :) The nights are dark again, so I went to the common balcony last night to look at the stars - it's been a long time since the last time I saw them. Now I'm enjoying the sunrise in my apartment. I love it here :D There are also two big trees right outside the windows. The leaves are starting to turn yellow and red. Winter, here we come...!

 

tumblr_p9nuxxMGrI1wy4sqbo1_500.gif

 

I'm still a bit under the weather, but I feel like I'm up to going to work today :) I have a shift at the library from 4 to 8 PM. I'm gonna study before that... I think I'm gonna stay home and not attend my math lecture just to get some extra rest. We have a class on Friday, where we practice the theory, so I'm gonna go through the material online and attend on Friday.

 

I did some yoga, took a hot shower, and now I'm gonna start making lunch at home. Yoga made me feel better, and I'm gonna take this time of sickness to cultivate calm energy and cherish the things I have. I sound like such a forest hippie. And I have to admit that being one suits me well!

 

tumblr_mjz7smn3IJ1rvn6njo1_500.gif

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Work was OK and I've been feeling somewhat stable - no coughing, but some fatigue :)

 

... anyway, the company answered that they would like to meet me in person so that we could talk more.

 

tumblr_inline_nqroo1dm3J1t6tsok_500.gif

 

I'm gonna arrange a meeting for next week so that I have time to prepare for the interview properly (and revise the s**t out of JavaScript syntax). I'm not sure if they contacted the language tech instructor, but I'm glad that they were interested :) I was first like, "huh", but then it hit me that I got a positive answer instead of the usual "thank you, but we're currently not interested" and then I felt... like wow?? Like, I'm not sure what they'll want to know, but I'll just go there and be myself. If it doesn't work out, I have other options coming up.

 

The evening was very warm when I walked back from the library, so I took a bit longer route home :) The weather has gotten a bit more warm today, and they say it's not gonna get colder until Saturday. Gonna enjoy these last few summer days!

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On 9/18/2018 at 7:59 PM, Ensi said:

Go ahead! If the website starts to get slow when you're working, try and refresh the page. Canva automatically saves the changes you do, and it started to get slower and slower the longer I worked. Refreshing the page helped :) 

 

Yep I noticed! Overall it was a relatively good experience, I started re-vamping my CV with fresh colours and a more modern design :D The only very annoying things were when I used the Android app, it re-sized some of my blocks instead of keeping everything relative to the screen size... and when I tried to used non-Western fonts, it just kept crashing for ever. I had to restart the doc from scratch. But yep, apart from that, their bank of samples was good for me (I'm not a designer though, I'm a coder in need of design :P  ).

 

And yeah interview!

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3 hours ago, @mu said:

 

Yep I noticed! Overall it was a relatively good experience, I started re-vamping my CV with fresh colours and a more modern design :D The only very annoying things were when I used the Android app, it re-sized some of my blocks instead of keeping everything relative to the screen size... and when I tried to used non-Western fonts, it just kept crashing for ever. I had to restart the doc from scratch. But yep, apart from that, their bank of samples was good for me (I'm not a designer though, I'm a coder in need of design :P  ).

 

And yeah interview!

 

Oh, how tedious with the Android bugs...! I only used it on Chrome, I find it nicer to create designs on computer instead of mobile apps :D So, you're a coder? I had no idea! What's your area of expertise? :) And yeah interview!! My language tech buddy is helping me install Ubuntu to my other laptop tomorrow, so I'll have an easily portable Ubuntu with me (my current Ubuntu laptop is 17.3'' and a bit of a bulk to carry around...).

 

**

 

Feeling a lot better today :) My stomach is still a bit upset, though, so there's definitely a virus or something that's bothering me. I went for a morning walk to the town, and had lunch in my favourite coffee shop. I had a small piece of mud cake for dessert, and that helped me to feel so satisfied that I skipped buying chocolate or ice cream to take home with me. I also treated myself to a forest yoga book, which is a sort of a Finnish approach to yoga (mythology and health benefits of being out in the forest). I was first gonna buy books about Finnish flora, but I asked Mom first if there were some books I could get from them (my parent's house is filled with books...). All in all, I'd love to have more books! It's sometimes a bit hard to find something nice to read in the evening, so I'd like to gather my own personal library :)

 

After the initial positive feelings, I got really tense about the upcoming interview. I spent some time trying to understand what it is that makes me so tense (even during writing the CV and application letter), because we're not talking about a positive reaction, which makes me READY to fight, but some dreadful feeling that stresses my body the eff out. I managed to trace it back to my previous job hunting experiences: getting a "no thank you, we're not interested" or no answer at all were pretty basic for me a couple of years ago, and my confidence is really low. I've let myself start believing that it's not realistic for me to get invited to interviews...! But this was a couple of years ago, and now things have changed: I have more experience and more skills. I'm gonna prepare as well as I can, and be myself :) I'll take it as practice, too: this is basically my second job interview in tech, so I don't need to be perfect. We'll see how it goes :) I'm also gonna modify an assignment I did for the online coding course: I have a completely functional little page for giving feedback to a coffee shop, but it has no styling, whatsoever, just plain black-and-white text and buttons. I'd also like to turn my CV into a website with some small functions. Just to have a couple more pieces to show the company next week...

 

I'm gonna study today, read the forest yoga book, and do some yoga later on. But first, let me have a snack :D Have a lovely Thursday!

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59 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Oh, how tedious with the Android bugs...! I only used it on Chrome, I find it nicer to create designs on computer instead of mobile apps :D So, you're a coder? I had no idea! What's your area of expertise? :) And yeah interview!! My language tech buddy is helping me install Ubuntu to my other laptop tomorrow, so I'll have an easily portable Ubuntu with me (my current Ubuntu laptop is 17.3'' and a bit of a bulk to carry around...).

 

Well, me too but I was at the airport and I just wanted to modify bits of text before I forget, a bit of a bummer :stung:

 

My background is in AI / natural language processing  but I got annoyed by the trends in my domain and these days I mostly do software/web development and a bit of Android. And sys admin stuff. I currently work for non-profit so I'm kinda the handy woman for all their IT stuff :D

My husband moved away from Windows to Ubuntu when we got married :P He is happy with it (mostly, he will still get mad at Open Office but I don't think he was that happy with MS Office either!). Myself I have been a Redhat/Fedora person for a long time :) Enjoy!

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28 minutes ago, Ensi said:

my confidence is really low

 

Go and do your best! The field as a whole is evolving too fast to be on top of every trend all the time anyway. What matters to employers is that you're a learner and how quickly you can adapt to their environment to be useful to them. That said, I have been working in this domain for nearly 20y and I still have low confidence issues when it comes to interviews... especially the technical ones because I don't have a "proper" engineering background... that's just how it is, but do not fear, it can still work out :P

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18 hours ago, @mu said:

My background is in AI / natural language processing  but I got annoyed by the trends in my domain and these days I mostly do software/web development and a bit of Android. And sys admin stuff. I currently work for non-profit so I'm kinda the handy woman for all their IT stuff :D

My husband moved away from Windows to Ubuntu when we got married :P He is happy with it (mostly, he will still get mad at Open Office but I don't think he was that happy with MS Office either!). Myself I have been a Redhat/Fedora person for a long time :) Enjoy!

 

NLP, you too?? It's really interesting, but I'm more into web development, as well :D As for Open Office, I'm not a huge fan, either. I usually make my documents with Google Docs. I do have Windows on my laptop, too, but I prefer using Ubuntu...

 

17 hours ago, @mu said:

 

Go and do your best! The field as a whole is evolving too fast to be on top of every trend all the time anyway. What matters to employers is that you're a learner and how quickly you can adapt to their environment to be useful to them. That said, I have been working in this domain for nearly 20y and I still have low confidence issues when it comes to interviews... especially the technical ones because I don't have a "proper" engineering background... that's just how it is, but do not fear, it can still work out :P

 

Thank you for the encouragement!! I'm dealing with some low confidence issues here, for sure, but I'm taking this as an opportunity to learn how to handle them :) And I get what you mean with not having a "proper" engineering background! I feel like a hack fraud sometimes because I've studied LINGUISTICS :D But when I attend the programming/math lectures, I sometimes realize that I've actually taken the time to study the theory and practice unlike some other students. And that's what matters!

 

4bacf8422ecaa498269f19e3fe63c306.gif

 

But it's lovely how the field keeps evolving: there's always something new to learn!

 

16 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Image result for Woohoo gif

 

tenor.gif?itemid=4746067

 

**

 

 

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It is Friday, yay! I still felt somewhat nauseous yesterday, but I ate well and took a slow walk in the evening. I'm doing better today, and I hope that I can get back to exercising this weekend :)

 

As for the fear about going to the meeting, I'm just letting it be, and focus on preparing for the meeting. I've tried to "solve" the fear during these past couple of days to make it go away, but no matter how I approach it, it remains. So, I'm choosing to let it be, and focus on doing my assignments and doing things I enjoy. Maybe this is just another thing that I am allowed to drop - and sometimes it's hard to convince anxiety that nothing's wrong. It's like a scared dog.

 

tumblr_npe5ipLMqx1qzqg2go1_400.gif

 

I need to be that person in jeans and white socks that convinces the dog that it's alright :D

 

Anyway, you know what's good? I haven't been sad in a few days. These studies are challenging, and I feel like they're taking me towards my career goals. I haven't felt like this in a long time, and I'm happy that I'm back to studying tech and art. I think I've spent a big chunk of my life running away from myself and the things that I've valued. Bullying and abuse made me think that there's something wrong with me, and some people involved with my art ruined it for me (stalking, convincing me that my art was pointless unless it was about politics, sexuality, violence etc.). This feels like a second chance for me, and I'm even thinking about becoming a web designer and an illustrator in the future :) So, even if I'm a bit nervous about some interview, I take it any day over the feeling of missing out on my own life.

 

... and now, I need to one more homework assignment O__o I have a couple of lectures and I'm meeting my language tech buddy for the Ubuntu installation, and then it's time to enjoy the weekend :D Have a lovely Friday, everyone!

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4 hours ago, Ensi said:

NLP, you too?? It's really interesting, but I'm more into web development, as well :D

 

ooooooh! that's amazing, it's quite niche :D (but possibly not so surprising on NerdFitness :P). I worked mostly in Question Answering / Information Extraction.

 

4 hours ago, Ensi said:

I feel like a hack fraud sometimes because I've studied LINGUISTICS :D

 

Same! Impostor syndrom... and sort of both ways. My very first degree was in Classics (Latin, ancient Greek and ancient Near-Eastern languages in cuneiform). But now I still get that feeling of neither nor, because I'm not completely both...if that makes sense... It's pretty common when the domain is interdisciplinary, like NLP is, but... the feeling still pops up.

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4 hours ago, @mu said:

 

ooooooh! that's amazing, it's quite niche :D (but possibly not so surprising on NerdFitness :P). I worked mostly in Question Answering / Information Extraction.

 

 

It is, like, the rarest niche (humanities + tech). We have a course on information Extraction, I might take it at some point! My job in July involved annotating texts so that we could train a programme to recognize the genre of a certain text (a recipe, a blog text, etc). It's an interesting topic, because language is such a messy system that even humans don't always understand it...! But yeah. I think I'd rather keep it as a side-business, and focus on web development and such :)

 

4 hours ago, @mu said:

Same! Impostor syndrom... and sort of both ways. My very first degree was in Classics (Latin, ancient Greek and ancient Near-Eastern languages in cuneiform). But now I still get that feeling of neither nor, because I'm not completely both...if that makes sense... It's pretty common when the domain is interdisciplinary, like NLP is, but... the feeling still pops up.

 

Oooh that totally makes sense to me! It's taken some processing, but I've started to take pride in my "mutant" brain :D I mean, it's another SISU thing for me: not letting the knowledge of just how little I know to get in the way of learning and getting better. I guess it's also about knowing, what I want: I don't want to develop the mathematical programmes to analyze language, and I'm also not interested in getting waaay deep in the web development... at least, not for now. I guess I'd like to add that it's about knowing what I want now and focus on that :) I know that I want to learn to create websites, so I'm gonna focus on that. I know that it's realistic for me, and now the best thing for me would be to be in a team. Sure, I feel inadequate compared to some other students I've seen at the campus, but everyone has those feelings. ... BTW, I would have liked to study Classics at some point, too. It was during my Indiana Jones phase :DD

 

**

 

It's been a good day to remember that getting out of the house is a GOOD THING!! I met the language tech buddy, and saw other group members, too :) It was nice to hang out with them for a while, and then I had a software design class and then a math class. I'm proud of going out, even though I felt somewhat tired and anti-social today (my body probably just needs some more time to recover from illness) and I was worried about not having done my homework well enough. Well, everything went OK, and I was good enough :D It was great to spend some time with people, and now that I have Ubuntu on my smaller laptop, it's easier for me to go work at the library or language tech workplace. 

 

I have managed to deal with the interview panic by thinking of it as a study assignment: I don't have to be perfect, I'll just go and show them what I've got.

 

giphy.gif

 

Actually, the dread has completely passed. It might have been also caused by mid-cycle-shenanigans and the illness... But yeah, the interview is next Tuesday at 2 PM. I'm gonna make a work schedule for the weekend, because I also have homework :D I also feel confident that I can do some exercise, and keep journaling and doing yoga. And oh gosh, SEE OTHER PEOPLE!! Today made me realize how good it is to have some IRL social interaction. But only some. Haha.

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I realized something really important today: I've been worrying about how to eat less sweets and snacks, when in fact I should pay attention to whether my main meals are big and satisfying enough. Because they haven't been that in a long time :D I've been careful around mealtimes and scared of eating proper breakfast/lunch/dinner, but during my morning walk today it clicked in my head that the cravings for sweets and snacking are a clear sign that I'm not eating enough during my meals. It makes perfect sense! So, today I'm having bigger main meals and see how that affects my cravings. I had meatballs, potatoes, salad, and some bread and butter milk (I avoid dairy, but my love for butter milk prevails) at the university's restaurant, and I ate until I wasn't only "not hungry", but satisfied. Now I feel good and calm, and I'm not thinking about my next snack :) I've been really struggling with snacking and cravings (and the snacks have been mostly unhealthy), and now I remembered that this is the way to end it! Besides, the snacking has made me eat less during mealtimes, because "I've already have a lot today". See how the circle works? "I can't eat much, I've snacked so much" -> "I need a snack, I'm hungry" -> "I can't eat much, I've snacked so much" etc.

 

So, today's agenda: big food, big mood :D I went for a morning walk, and I'm gonna do some yoga later on, and possible a light strength training workout! I'm gonna ease my way back to it after the illness... I also started working on the portfolio piece yesterday. I was ready to face some serious struggles with styling with CSS, but everything fell into place easily?? I realized that I've practiced so much that if something doesn't work, I understand why it doesn't work, and I can look up help online. So, I'm nowhere near as panicked about the whole thing anymore, and I actually had fun planning the design for the portfolio piece. Whatever happens, everything's gonna be alright :) I'm having sushi for dinner with my friends today (part of my "get out of the house" protocol), and uhh. Now I'm gonna have a cup of coffee. Have a lovely Saturday, everyone!

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I'm working on this, too.  It's tough since I don't do the family meal planning, but I let that be an excuse to snack way too much and got in the very bad habit of pretty-much eating all day.  This first week of my challenge had been spent learning how to eat proper meals again without snacking--especially while at work.  It's been eye-opening and refreshing.

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1 hour ago, DrFeelgood said:

I'm working on this, too.  It's tough since I don't do the family meal planning, but I let that be an excuse to snack way too much and got in the very bad habit of pretty-much eating all day.  This first week of my challenge had been spent learning how to eat proper meals again without snacking--especially while at work.  It's been eye-opening and refreshing.

 

That's great to hear!! The big lunch ("big" - maybe more like "optimal") made a huge difference in my day: I didn't think about food, I felt good and relaxed, and I only needed a small snack in the afternoon before I went to have sushi with my friends. Come to think of it, I didn't have any cravings today, and my mind wasn't wandering around sweets or snacks. My cravings haven't been the problem, they've been a symptom of the actual problem, which is that I haven't been eating enough. Now I remember how I felt last year when I started ditching the diet mentality - safe and warm. Gonna keep this going!

 

tenor.gif?itemid=11772462

 

Maybe you could just add something to the side of the meals? A fruit for dessert, berries with some cream, something like that? Or then just have a larger portion of whatever you're having for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Just eat until you feel satisfied :) There's a lot of information going around about how you should feel when you eat: "stop when you're almost full", "wait for 20 minutes before taking more food", etc. And I'm sure that's good for some people, but for me, it just makes me feel guilty about eating until I feel nourished and satisfied. But I know how I'm feeling today, and I know that this works for me. REBEL!!!

 

Meeting my friends was lovely and the sushi was DELICIOUS. I've started to really enjoy sushi lately, it's so goooood. (I couldn't eat sushi without feeling guilty a couple of years ago because of the white rice and carbs, but I no longer have any guilt or fear around them. How effing sweet is that??) I've walked a lot today, but yoga hasn't happened yet... Maybe I'll do a yin yoga practice before bed. Homework has taken much of my time today, and I'm gonna keep working on a couple of math problems a bit more :D Square roots and logarithms, what a fun Saturday evening...

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8 hours ago, Ensi said:

Square roots and logarithms, what a fun Saturday evening...

I was with you until you got to this part.  We clearly have different ideas about the definition of the word "fun" :D

 

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8 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I was with you until you got to this part.  We clearly have different ideas about the definition of the word "fun" :D

 

 

What?? I find it hysterical when I find the right roots!! And numbers make sense!!

 

tumblr_muokbsyYvf1rjatglo1_r1_500.gif

 

... well fine, maybe you could spend your Saturday night otherwise :D for example, I haven't played Playstation in a while. Might need to fix that tonight...

 

**

 

Oh my god y'all, there's a crow sitting in the tree outside my window, and it's totally doing yoga. ... oh, it just pooped.

 

Anyway, I had a Big Breakfast, did my laundry, and while I waited for the washing programme to finish, I went for a short run. Just light jogging and walking, because I'm still not at 100 % health. I came back home, and did a light strength training workout + push-ups 4-4-4. I dialed down the push-ups for now, but I'm starting to build them up again :)

 

The Big Breakfast helped me get through my morning without any hunger, and I had lunch at 11:30 AM. At that point, I was already starting to feel hungry, and I ate until I was satisfied. I have a good feeling about this :) I woke up last night hungry, though, so I might need to add a small bednight snack to my daily meals - especially on the days when I work out. Other than these occasional nights when I wake up hungry, I'm sleeping well. The relaxation techniques have helped with the nervous system overload, and I've worked on the beliefs that cause me stress. I'm especially happy that I realized that I can see the interview as something like presenting my work to my teachers: discussing and explaining. I'm also happy to notice that math isn't impossible, and it's actually really relaxing to go over the assignments and learn new things. I've always thought that I'm bad at math, but now that I've studied coding, I know that I can approach math from a problem-solving perspective.

 

Today's agenda: study logarithms, finish the portfolio piece, play Playstation. Let's goooo

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23 hours ago, Ensi said:

I realized something really important today: I've been worrying about how to eat less sweets and snacks, when in fact I should pay attention to whether my main meals are big and satisfying enough.

This looks so simple, but it is not so easy to notice. I'm glad you did and that you're working on it to feel better.

Also, I see you've kept yourself busy this week. Maybe I missed it, when is your job interview taking place?

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26 minutes ago, zenLara said:

This looks so simple, but it is not so easy to notice. I'm glad you did and that you're working on it to feel better.

Also, I see you've kept yourself busy this week. Maybe I missed it, when is your job interview taking place?

 

It is really easy to not notice, indeed. And yup, I have stuff to do, but I feel like it's not overwhelming...! My interview is in the afternoon next Tuesday. I do feel nervous about it, but I just try to be open and honest about my skills and goals. Then again, I try not to make myself to stop feeling nervous - worrying doesn't solve anything :D I focus on the math courses and getting my portfolio piece ready. I also watched Legally Blonde, and I'm ready to face whatever comes my way.

 

tumblr_mqvielaasa1sqtxtxo1_500.jpg.png

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The BFBM (Big Food Big Mood protocol, as we will call it from now on :D ) worked wonderfully yesterday...!  After having a big lunch at 11:30, I wasn't hungry until 3:30 PM - and even then I wasn't really that hungry, I just needed to eat before going to theater with my friend. Nevertheless, I'm gonna aim to eat every 3-4 hours so that my bloodsugar stays stable... I had evening snack at 7 PM, and another small snack at 11 PM before going to sleep. I listened to music before going to sleep, and started sleeping at 11:55 PM. I woke up at 6 AM, feeling a bit hungry, but I managed to sleep another two hours. Now I just had a big breakfast, and I noticed that I respond to eating much better already: I start feeling good and warm/relaxed while eating, and I assume it's because the constant snacking has kept my hunger cues really faint. All in all, I now have that same feeling of ease I had last year (but this time I don't need to work on fear foods, unlike last year when I had to learn that eating carbs was OK), and I'm not thinking about snacking or sweets all the time. I'm happy to continue this way :)

 

The illness seems to be subsiding, too, and I'm gonna return to working out this week. I got in one strength training workout last week and a lot of yoga, so I was short of my goal by just one strength training workout...! And I don't even feel bad about it, because I was sick and couldn't work out.

 

It is Monday morning, and I have a math class later on. I'm gonna relax today and read a book about stress I borrowed from the library yesterday. It's specifically about being nervous about certain situations, like social interactions, holding presentations etc., and I figured I might find some tips or new perspectives. The book says that stress can be seen as a resource instead of something you should avoid, and I like that idea :) I'm nowhere near as stressed about the interview as I was last week, because I've set my demands lower. I had set such high demands on myself that I was already freaking out, but now my only goal is to go there and discuss! I was gonna work on the portfolio last night, but took the evening off instead, which was a smart idea. I feel rested and ready to face the new week now, and I'm gonna prepare for the interview.

 

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wait this scene didn't end so well for Thor

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Morning workout:

 

  • jogging 20 minutes + walking 10 minutes
  • push-ups 5-4-4
  • kettlebell workout 25 minutes

 

Getting back in business :) It's kinda strange, but I've started to really enjoy running lately!

 

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Sam's face is one of my primary feelings

 

It's a sunny autumn morning, and I got a very strong urge to go out and run my regular morning route. I jogged mostly slowly, but picked up the pace with time. When I was finally too tired to jog, I took a few sprints on my way home. I could already jog a bit further than on Sunday, so I'm recovering nicely :) At home, I did my push-up workout (still feeling a bit weird about the posture...) and the online course's new kettlebell workout. I paid attention to not strain myself too much after being ill, but I felt capable through the workout, and now I feel refreshed and relaxed. Yay!

 

My breakfast was a banana omelette, and now I'm having some oat bread with chicken and hummus for post-workout snack. The BFBM protocol has removed my anxiety about snacks and cravings, and I don't think about food all the time. Just like that! All I needed to do to fix the "problem" was to eat more. It's such a relief to get those constant food thoughts out of my head...

 

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I slept OK, and I've managed to turn my anxiety about the interview into enthusiasm. The book I borrowed said that the nervousness is just my body getting ready to face what's coming: I'm gonna be nervous anyway since it's a natural response to a situation that needs me to be alert, but I can see it as a positive thing that helps me prepare and get everything done. Sounds good to me...! So, when I was finishing the portfolio piece yesterday, I tried to accept that I was feeling nervous, and reminded myself to have fun while creating the website. I got the portfolio done and prepared for the interview, and I also paid my bills, attended my lecture and contacted one of my teacher's about a meeting we need to have. I have a ton of stuff to do and learn this week, but I'm trying to include at least one moment of rest every day. Last night, I went for an evening walk, and when I came back home, I did some yin yoga to calm myself down. I might take a short nap before the interview, and maybe go have dinner somewhere nice afterwards.

 

... am I on glue, or am I actually doing OK?? I was talking on the phone with Mom the other day, and I just spontaneously said, "I don't feel depressed anymore" and I think that's actually true. Hmm. I think it's mostly because of the stress management, but also because I've tried to learn to speak kindly to myself. The "I'm sorry" method is really good, and it's helped me to be kinder to myself. The changes I've made feel sustainable, too. Maybe I should make a list of these core things so that I can remind myself of what's important, when life gets busier...!

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