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Jedi Finds Herself Again, Day by Day


TheGreyJedi-Ranger

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"Only you can decide what breaks you, Cursebreaker, only you."

A Court of Wings and Ruin

 

Oh WOW drop kick me Jesus last month fell apart at the seams a little bit. Lotta bit. 

 

Basically, last month, I lost all ability to cope with life. I still don't know what caused it but I was losing every bit of my energy around 2pm every day and was struggling to do more than the very basics of life. All I wanted to do was curl up and read. And eat a lot of food. I was also getting debilitating headaches literally every day. It was absolutely awful. I stopped working out completely because I just didn't have the energy for it. 

 

"When you spend so long in the darkness, you'll find that the darkness begins to stare back."

A Court of Mist and Fury

 

Like a wise person, I went to the doctor. I now have my allergies more under control, and I'm on an anti-depressant/anxiety to help take the edge off of my anxiety and struggles. Within less than 48 hours it was like night and day. I feel so much more like myself. I'm also (eventually) going to start up therapy again, and I'm going to take up some new habits to help improve my mental health. 

 

Now that I'm back from my trip out of town (OMG So much fun <3) with newly dyed hair and a nose piercing (!!!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH), it's time to get back to figuring myself out. 

 

Yay for cultivating healthy habits. 

 

So I'm going to pick a couple of habits to cultivate during this challenge to improve my mental health during this challenging time.

 

"What we think to be our greatest weakness can be our biggest strength."

A Court of Mist and Fury

 

Go for a walk every day that you don't leave the house for something else. I need to get out more. Part of my problem was that I was closed in the house constantly. It was excessive. So now, if I don't go anywhere and the weather isn't awful, I'll go for a short walk. Or a long walk. Or a hike. Just something. If I don't feel like doing anything I'll just go on a short walk. Otherwise I'll go somewhere nicer and hike or something.

 

"There are good days and hard days for me- even now. Don't let the Hard days win"

A Court of Mist and Fury

 

Practice Intuitive Eating. My intuitive eating has gotten a bit.. forgotten. With everything that's been happening I've let it fall by the wayside. I'm trying to be gentle to myself and forgive myself for that, but I do need to find the intuitive eating again.

 

"We are all broken in our own ways- in places no one might see"

A Court of Wings and Ruin

 

Gratefulness Journal. I started a gratefulness journal a couple weeks back but want to actually keep up with it every day. It's a good reminder to find three things in every day to be thankful for! Bringing more happiness and peace to my soul.

 

"Don't feel bad for one moment about doing what brings you joy."

A Court of Thorns and Roses

 

Take Time for Yourself. Don't forget to take care of you. Do youtube stuff or read or just enjoy life as you will. Don't let yourself get left behind in all this. Take care of yourself. <3

  • Like 5

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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I
AM
SO
GLAD
YOU
ARE
BACK!!!!!

And feeling better!!!  You so so so deserve it~ <3

  • Like 1

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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Yay!! Following :D

 

14 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

 

Practice Intuitive Eating. My intuitive eating has gotten a bit.. forgotten. With everything that's been happening I've let it fall by the wayside. I'm trying to be gentle to myself and forgive myself for that, but I do need to find the intuitive eating again.

 

I'm doing this now, too! Staying curious has been a good tool. Instead of demanding myself to practice intuitive eating "right", I try to stay curious: how does it feel, if I eat this or that? Do I feel satisfied, or could I eat a bit more? There's no failure in intuitive eating. Be gentle, and stay curious. Happy to have you back <3

  • Like 1

-:*~ Journal ~*:-

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

First! and Following!

Whooooo! Hi friend!

 

2 hours ago, shaar said:

I
AM
SO
GLAD
YOU
ARE
BACK!!!!!

And feeling better!!!  You so so so deserve it~ <3

Thank you!! I'm so glad to be back!! And feeling better too. It's so nice. 

 

1 hour ago, Ensi said:

Yay!! Following :D

 

 

I'm doing this now, too! Staying curious has been a good tool. Instead of demanding myself to practice intuitive eating "right", I try to stay curious: how does it feel, if I eat this or that? Do I feel satisfied, or could I eat a bit more? There's no failure in intuitive eating. Be gentle, and stay curious. Happy to have you back <3

Yay!!

 

I like that idea. Curiosity is something that I need/want to cultivate anyway. And it's good to be back <3

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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JEDI!!!!!! HAI!!!!!!!!!!

 

giphy.gif 

 

I love your challenge! It sounds like a great plan for getting back on your feet and being super nice to yourself - which makes me happy, because I like to see you having someone being nice to you! Including YOU!!  :D 

 

Following along!!

  • Like 1

SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2021 Books in Progress:

How We Love (82%)  |  Talking Back to Purity Culture (64%)  |  Rhythms of Renewal (60%)  |  Beholding and Becoming (19%)  | What Did You Expect? (36%)  |  A Gentle Answer (0%) 
 

2021 Books Completed:
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  |  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  |  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire   |  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  |  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince  |  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  |  Lady Windermere's Fan 

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On 9/15/2018 at 1:33 AM, SkyGirl said:

JEDI!!!!!! HAI!!!!!!!!!!

 

giphy.gif 

 

I love your challenge! It sounds like a great plan for getting back on your feet and being super nice to yourself - which makes me happy, because I like to see you having someone being nice to you! Including YOU!!  :D 

 

Following along!!

I definitely need to be nicer to myself >_> I think other people are nicer to me than I am to myself. I'm trying to subscribe to the idea that 'if you wouldn't say it to yourself as a small child or to your best friend then you shouldn't say it to yourself now." But things are improving.

 

~~~~
 

Happy Monday-first-challenge-day all!

 

So yesterday was a hard day. I couldn't get full all day, which made it very hard to be forgiving and kind to myself. But we did the grocery shopping yesterday after church, which means that I was up and about and moving a lot more than usual so my body was hungrier. I'm more able to be calm and find things to do in idleness though, which I'm very grateful for.

 

Today, I won't get my walk in, unfortunately. We're still dealing with the last little bits of Hurricane Florence here in my town. Nothing awful, just a lot of rain and storms that will keep me inside. I'll take the time to relax and rest and get work done. But I will work on my intuitive eating/mindful eating/eating when I'm hungry today, as well as making sure I do my gratefulness list today. I also have some of my youtube/blog stuff that I want to do today, and I think I'll finish my book tonight with a cup of tea or decaf coffee after my husband leaves for work. And watch the youtube videos on my favorite channels that came out this morning.

 

Have a great day everyone!

  • Like 4

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Those days happen to everyone and it's easy to judge ourselves, but it sounds like you did a great job staying reasonable about it.  :)  I hope you can enjoy the rainy/stormy weather by doing cozy things today, and maybe you can stretch or do some yoga inside?

 

Like this one?:

 

Spoiler


 


 

 

  • Like 2

SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2021 Books in Progress:

How We Love (82%)  |  Talking Back to Purity Culture (64%)  |  Rhythms of Renewal (60%)  |  Beholding and Becoming (19%)  | What Did You Expect? (36%)  |  A Gentle Answer (0%) 
 

2021 Books Completed:
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  |  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  |  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire   |  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  |  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince  |  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  |  Lady Windermere's Fan 

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1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

Those days happen to everyone and it's easy to judge ourselves, but it sounds like you did a great job staying reasonable about it.  :)  I hope you can enjoy the rainy/stormy weather by doing cozy things today, and maybe you can stretch or do some yoga inside?

 

Like this one?:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like this idea, I think I'll partake of the yoga later on today :)

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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I've seen the hurricane on the news, I hope you're safe!

 

Have you ever tried yin yoga? I've started to practice it, and it has a wonderful, calming effect (I wasn't interested before, because it didn't give me SIX-PACK AAABBBSSSH! :D ), and my nervous system feels really good after the practice. Another recommendation from Adriene:

 

 

 

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-:*~ Journal ~*:-

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20 hours ago, Ensi said:

I've seen the hurricane on the news, I hope you're safe!

 

Have you ever tried yin yoga? I've started to practice it, and it has a wonderful, calming effect (I wasn't interested before, because it didn't give me SIX-PACK AAABBBSSSH! :D ), and my nervous system feels really good after the practice. Another recommendation from Adriene:

 

 

 

I'm okay :) We only got a tiny bit of wind/rain and nothing too sketchy. It's basically gone now and the sun is going to come out tomorrow!

 

I also didn't do yoga yesterday- I went for a walk instead! It was so great :) I felt amazing. It wasn't much of a walk, but it really made a difference for my mood and such.

 

Today I was out and about a bunch for work and other things, which was great for my mental state. Less so for my hunger cues because I didn't eat much early in the day. It really messed with my hunger cues and signals during lunch. Dinner was fine, but lunch was a bit much >_> But I forgive myself for ignoring my fullness signals because I wasn't honoring my hunger. I forgive myself for not honoring my hunger and will in the future be better prepared to honor my hunger in similar situations <3

 

Also I finally found apple cider at a grocery store, which I've been wanting for the past few days! I had a nice hot mug of it this evening with a cinnamon stick in it. 

 

Tomorrow I'm making something tasty for dinner (pork tenderloin, sauteed asparagus, and homemade mac and cheese) and will get to hang out with the husband a good bit ^_^

 

I'm going to get a quick snack and then get some rest because I've been up for what feels like ever! Night all!

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Apple cider!!!!!! I tried to get some at the grocery this weekend but they were out, I had to settle for apple cranberry, which is still good but isn't, you know, apple cider!!

  • Like 1

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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On 9/19/2018 at 11:37 AM, shaar said:

Apple cider!!!!!! I tried to get some at the grocery this weekend but they were out, I had to settle for apple cranberry, which is still good but isn't, you know, apple cider!!

I was so happy! It's like a cup of fall. It's so tasty. Husband got his first pumpkin spice latte of the season today and he's pleased :) FALL IS COMING <3 

  • Like 4

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Wowie wow it's been waaaaay too long since I updated whoops.

 

Hi guys I miss you.

 

It's been a TIME.

 

So my boss has upped my hours again. I'm doing 20 hours a week. Not too bad. To balance all this out, I'm taking a couple of shifts a week at a clothing chain retail store for a friend who manages it. She needed DIRE help and I needed to talk with someone other than my husband and the Aldi teller on a weekly basis so it all works out. I'll also be walking around a bit more. I go in for my first training day tomorrow.

 

Intuitive Eating was... iffy last week. It was a long week. But I'm doing like 2% better. I'm minutely more intuitive than I was previously. And that's an improvement. This week has thus far been another improvement, I'm doing fairly well today. 
 

Daily walks aren't really happening but I've been leaving the house a lot more so it's not a total loss. The one walk I did do I actually felt like painting after I walked so I painted :) For the first time in at least months, probably a couple of years.

 

Gratefulness tracking is not great. I keep forgetting to do it in the evenings before bed. I want to get back on this asap. And by that I mean TONIGHT.

 

Plan for the rest of today is thus:

- Wash the dishes

- Do dinner a cook (plan is interesting alfredo dish with homemade alfredo, penne, chicken, and an assortment of veggies)

- Do and print paperwork for work tonight

- Paint my fingernails so they'll stop breaking and also because STYLE.

- Go on a quick walk because I haven't done much leaving of the house today

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Great to hear from you! :) And the job situation sounds good for you - getting out of the house is always a good idea, even though it might be a bit hard at times...

 

11 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

 

Intuitive Eating was... iffy last week. It was a long week. But I'm doing like 2% better. I'm minutely more intuitive than I was previously. And that's an improvement. This week has thus far been another improvement, I'm doing fairly well today.

 

I had a breakthrough a few days ago, when I realized that I was eating too little during my mealtimes. I'm now having bigger portions at breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it has made intuitive eating sooooo much easier...! I guess my biggest hindrance is that I eat too little, which leads to thinking about food and snacking all the time. Now that I don't think about food or sweets all the time, I can definitely say that some progress has happened. You talk about improving your intuitive eating - what would be a concrete sign that you're doing better? :)

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-:*~ Journal ~*:-

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Even 2% better is amazing!!!  Little bits of progress are totally the building blocks to being able to do something consistently, slow and steady really does win the race! *^_^*

  • Like 1

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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19 hours ago, Ensi said:

Great to hear from you! :) And the job situation sounds good for you - getting out of the house is always a good idea, even though it might be a bit hard at times...

 

 

I had a breakthrough a few days ago, when I realized that I was eating too little during my mealtimes. I'm now having bigger portions at breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it has made intuitive eating sooooo much easier...! I guess my biggest hindrance is that I eat too little, which leads to thinking about food and snacking all the time. Now that I don't think about food or sweets all the time, I can definitely say that some progress has happened. You talk about improving your intuitive eating - what would be a concrete sign that you're doing better? :)

The biggest thing that would be a 'doing better' for me is fewer binge/read days. I'm still trying to get into the habit of NOT eating distracted. But sometimes when I'm really stressed or super hungry I'll sit with a book and eat SO MUCH. Instead of focusing on the deliciousness of the food I'm focusing on getting as much of it into my body as I can. #notgood. I'm slowly getting better about that. I may never kick that habit completely because that was my default for SO many years that when things get bad or hard I'll go back. But slowly I'll work so it takes more and more for me to get back there.

 

It's a holdover from college. In college, that was my time away. I felt like every moment should be doing something productive (aka homework) and reading for pleasure only happened when I was eating. So I have to disassociate the two, which is hard because eating and reading was a problem for me BEFORE college but more as a coping mechanism when life sucked. (That was a use in college as well because most of college sucked).

 

8 hours ago, shaar said:

Even 2% better is amazing!!!  Little bits of progress are totally the building blocks to being able to do something consistently, slow and steady really does win the race! *^_^*

It does!! I'm doing more too so I'm not too bothered. I want to focus on being a happy well adjusted person right now who actually leaves my house and interacts with other humans. 

 

~~~

 

I just had the biggest mental breakthrough ever.

 

So when I first started therapy, my therapist kinda mentioned in passing that she wondered if some of my food issues were anxiety related. At the time, I was SO UPSET. because it kinda felt like she didn't believe me that I thought I might have some kind of ED or be developing one. She never got to explore or explain that because I couldn't go for very long. 

 

But a doctor mentioned in a blog that a symptom of their anxiety is an inability to sit still and quiet for very long. (IT ME) and another symptom is that she'll eat something to fill the empty time. And that the anxiety really is tied into her body image and how she sees herself. Like today, I was really nervous to go to work because I was terrified that I looked too large in my dress. Or that my hip dips were showing badly. Or that everyone would notice my tummy.  So maybe there's a decent bit of anxiety involved in my food issues.

 

I'm wondering if I need to up my anti-anxiety/depressant a tiny bit. The small dose got me back to a sort of even keel place, but even keel for me was always pretty high anxiety anyway so idk. I'll probs go back to the doc next month sometime. 

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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That's a great breakthrough. Each realization like that is a building block that will eventually come together with a zillion other building blocks to form an intuitive eating home in which you can live.

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Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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20 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That's a great breakthrough. Each realization like that is a building block that will eventually come together with a zillion other building blocks to form an intuitive eating home in which you can live.

 

Every little bit helps :) 

 

~~~~

 

I've been such a HASHBROWN ADULT today

 

I got my tax stuff straight and don't owe millions of dollars to our U.S. Gov't this month bless. So I'm going to start saving money for the purposes of taxes. And it won't murder us because SECOND JOB. Bless. I'm so pleased.

 

I also am getting my oil change finally (no I'm not 3k miles over needing one idk what you speak of) today.

 

Work is a thing but I have today and tomorrow mostly off. I have a couple of hours of primary job to do here but that's not too bad. Even if I don't get it all done today I can get some done tomorrow. Sunday and next week are going to be I N C R E D I B L Y busy but I have a PLAN and will figure out exactly what's needed. I got this (maybe). 

 

For now, I'm going to eat a food real quick-like, and then I'm going to relax, have some coffee, and put my face on. Then it'll be time to do work until I leave to go get my oil change done. And we'll see how life goes after that. <3

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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You are hashbrown adulting SO WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! ^________^  I'm so proud of you and so glad that you are feeling good about things!!!!

 

giphy.gif

  • Like 1

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

Link to comment
8 hours ago, shaar said:

You are hashbrown adulting SO WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! ^________^  I'm so proud of you and so glad that you are feeling good about things!!!!

 

giphy.gif

Thanks!! <3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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I've been thinking a lot recently.

 

Dangerous, I know. And yes, that's what the smoke was.

 

But yeah, I've been thinking about why my intuitive eating goes down the toilet and tbh it's highly mental health related. It's HARD to teach yourself new behaviors and coping mechanisms. It's so insanely hard. And when things get difficult, it gets a lot harder to do that. And things have been highly difficult for me the past couple years.

 

But I'm making progress. I'm making decisions that I can both feel good about and don't involve restriction. I'm trying to take care of my body overall. And I'm trying to teach myself to love my body no matter what it looks like.

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Oh wow I just kinda vanished. Like for real.

 

I'm hashbrown E X H A U S T E D tbh. 

 

I had a friend visit for three days in the middle of the week, was overscheduled for my retail job, and also had my other job's work to do. I've still got a couple hours of that to work on tomorrow. It was insane.

 

Then Mr. Right worked like 86 hours in 7 days and it was a N I G H T M A R E. It was very Not Good on both of us. I feel like we'd almost forgotten how to share a bloody bed. It's obnoxious. But he's in the middle of having 4 days off, then work a day, then 2 more days off, then back on normal schedule. It's so nice to have him home again <3 I love it. We made HelloFresh tonight and watched Solo on Vudu and it was a great night.

 

My intuitive eating is slowly getting better. Today I intuitively ate 2 meals out of 3, which is a lot better than what it has been. We don't have much in the area of snacks in the house, which is a lot annoying, but I'm going to the store soonish. Hopefully. I actually need to make a grocery list soon. I haven't been 'working out' per se, but I've been moving a lot more. My step average has increased a LOT thanks to being so busy with people and my retail job. I actually am having fun doing that job, it's nowhere near as stressful as serving and it's SOOOO much easier. 

 

I actually just checked my Garmin Connect seriously for the first time in a while. My step count averages are slowly going up, and my stress levels are slowly going down (!!!!!). My celexa is doing a decent job keeping me functional, but I'm still going to look into finding a therapist. I need better coping methods than reading and eating everything in sight. 

 

I've been practicing self care by not overcommitting myself as well. I've said no to things that I can't do, that I don't have the time/energy to do. It's been very freeing, and I've been outtalking the voice telling me I'm letting people down. You can't pour from an empty cup.

 

This weekend is a time to rest and catch up. Somehow those things do actually go together, I promise! I'm catching up on my marketing job and on my blog/youtube channel stuff, as well as stuff around the house (I really can't convince myself to sweep, I hate sweeping so much but it's getting done tomorrow amongst two weeks worth of laundry drop kick me Jesus there are so many dirty clothes and I think the bathroom hand towel is considering getting up and walking away on its own in shame). But I also just had a date night with Mr. Right and I'm almost caught up on Youtube videos (I'm saving some for tomorrow as well).

 

Something I've learned about myself with the help of a friend is that I am a person of a lot of regrets. I spend a lot of time in the past. I wish I still looked like that. I should have transferred schools. Why didn't I do this? And I've gotten better about not using those pieces of the past to hurt others. But I still think about it a lot and it's basically like leaving a knife in my body and poking it. It hurts to poke and I just let it sit there and fester instead of letting it heal cleanly. I'm going to try to work on that more. 

 

So now that I've written you guys a novel, I'm going to go finish off this blog post (maybe) and then get some sleep before doing my laundry tomorrow x_x

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Oh hi it's me again

 

Intuitive eating is so frustrating sometimes.

 

Because when you're sad and lonely, food sometimes is the best companion.

 

I still to this day wonder why I only really binge when Mr. Right isn't home. Is it because I'm lonely and use food to help with loneliness? Or is it because i'm ashamed of myself? IDK. 

 

I am ashamed of the fact that I ship Reylo and was reading some cute reylo fic that I found in my Anakin/Padme searches

 

Anyway, now that this challenge has gone merrily to hell, I need to decide if I'm going to bother doing another one or if I should just give up pretending that I'm ever going to get fit in any manner.

 

^^^I realized after I typed this that I may have discovered a small issue with my attempt at intuitive eating. It's called 'the hunger and fullness diet.' And if you know anything about intuitive eating, you'll know one of those words means I'm on the wrong track. Gah. Letting go of my expectations of my body is so damn hard. Letting go of my expectations and requirements of myself is so damn hard. Letting go of control is so damn hard. 

 

Oh hey look, the actual problem. 

 

The one where I try not to cry in the corner about how little control I truly have to keep my loved ones safe. The one where I can't even control my own impulses around food so how would I be able to control anything else. The one where I live many nights in uncertainty, sleeping in an empty bed, not allowing myself to come to terms with the fact that every time I sleep in bed alone it might be the first night of the rest of an existence where that's my only reality. 

 

But yeah, I'm fine.

 

Don't wait up.

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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