Has-been hero looking for new battles

[Nihra]

A short introduction that i've ben putting off for weeks....

I used to be a hero. A real hero, at least according to what society tells us. Trained first as an Army Sergent, then as an Emergency Medical Technician, then Fire Fighter and Rescue Professional, then as a Combat Medic training doctors, nurses and soldiers before their deployment in Afghanistan.

Fast forward 8 years and people still tell myself that I am all those things, despite the fact that I now work in bank security after taking yet another degree, this time in Emergency Management. And truth is that I'm no longer a hero, not by far. I still have a job that sounds cool in theory, I still protect and help people by limiting robberies, fire, terrorism etc. but truth be told, I'm just pushing papers around and putting up extra security cameras.

These days I'm not seeing much of what I once was: Now a woman closer to 40 than to 30, no muscles to speak of, working each day from 8-16 with a long commute, suffering from anxiety and mild to moderate depressions from time to time, have Krav Maga lessons that I no longer attend after my jaw was slightly dislocated and I freaked out about it etc. In general a no-body with no life goals, no close friends to speak of and no real spark in me.

Oh, not that all things are bad, not at all. Really, I'm just whining. I have the best man on the planet, a wonderful dog, a beautiful house and more money than ever. I feel like I have no time for myself but in truth I do, I just don't spend it very well as I'm alwys too tired or really bad at activating myself.

 

So why am I here? Basically I'm looking for a new monster to face and I since I've battled all the obvious monsters (education, job, money etc.) I'll need to look inwards and see what i'm fleeing.

I have no clue how to battle most of them, as my book of knowledge seems incomplete - how do you fight a monster(anxiety) that scares the living shit out of you but you can't see and can't be killed?

How do you fight having all the stuff you want and could ever need, but don't have time to use? Or don't use when you finally do have the time? Or having a man that is so much better at setting goals so it will forever be his goals and tasks that I end up doing?

 

I'm fighting me... and currently I feel like I'm loosing.

 

Cut down to sightly more managable bits I've decided to work with the following areas, in various different ways:

1. Anxiety: Battle through knowledge, meditation, writing, breaking my own invisible boundaries for what i'm allowed to or capable of doing.
2. Fitness: I'll never see my army body again, but fuck it if I'll give up on trying. I see what others can do - I just need to get off my ass and spend time on it again. Fact is I really love being active, I just tell myself that I'm not really worth speding the time on when there is still work or chores to be done. 
3. Life goals: I need to find new ones. Not just "take an online course" or "clean the house more often". No I need something bigger. The true dream job despite it will cost me half of what I earn now, A true hobby like being realy good at Krav Maga, painting, gardening a lot more than I do, woodcarving or something similar.
4. Try new things: I need to push my boundaries ever so often or I get bored. Try Parkour, do dance lessons, sing again or whatever. Just something you are not doing now and that you really want to try. stop limiting myself.

 

And maybe I should also add: Lookin for sparring and someone to give me a swift kick in the ass. Because I need that!

[Jean]

Hi Nihra !

 

Seems like you have the fighting spirit to carry yourself through this, even though the road may seem pretty fuzzy right now. Inner battles are pretty tough ones, easy to lose (by droping them by) but pretty rewarding too. It may sound awful said like that, but this can be fun ! Seeing as you seem to be looking for some excitement too, this may, or not, resonate with you.

 

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how do you fight a monster(anxiety) that scares the living shit out of you but you can't see and can't be killed?

 

What you can't kill, you tame or befriend. It may not go away but you can become familiar with it, learn to play with it, and not be scared of it anymore. It'll still have teeth, but it won't bite. One can be afraid of dobermans but this is not just a doberman. This is YOUR doberman.

 

As you say, this is an inner battle. The real question isn't really "how do I fight anxiety ?" or "why am I scared ?" but "what drives me and will make me feel whole ?". I'm not a tenth of the hero you are, I've yet to fight any meaningful physical battle, but this is the kind of demons I've been dealing with. What I can tell is that these fights can be won.

 

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How do you fight having all the stuff you want and could ever need, but don't have time to use? Or don't use when you finally do have the time?

 

I can be wrong, but I bet you're no stranger to this. Finding time when there's none of it around you, or finding ways to regenerate and take care of yourself when the battle's raging all around you sound like things you have to do when dealing with an emergency situation, especially one that lasts. So, how did you deal with it when you were in the army ? When you were maintaining people alive ? When you were firefighting ? When you were rescuing people trapped into deep shit ? And when you were training people so that they'd be ready to keep their nerves when they'd see the Horror in the blank of the eyes in fucking war ? How did you manage to take care of yourself, and be a person, while still being a hero ? How did you do to stay combat ready when everything around you was screaming "people are in need of you, in real need of you, so you don't have time for your petty well-being !" ? What made you feel accomplished then ?

 

The answer may involve the things you now have, or not. Some people are happy having all the stuff they'll ever want or need. Some others feel more alive without most of it, training their skills in a neverending battle. Some people enjoy both from time to time or at different stages of their lives. Most of us spend our time longing for the other whenever we have anyone of them. There's no shame to have living either life and it is not disrespect to throw some of what we have away to clean up our life : you don't need to fit in the common view of what success is to feel accomplished and be a good, admirable person.

 



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Or having a man that is so much better at setting goals so it will forever be his goals and tasks that I end up doing?

 

Can't help you much here but couldn't one of his goals become training you in getting better at setting your own goals ? Or developing balance in your life together ? If you ask me, one of the perks of living life with another person is that you're not in it on your own and don't have to vainquish this monster all by yourself. Have you spoken about this all together ?

 

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Tell me if I'm wrong but you seem to know what you're after and how you want to get there so, you're on your way. Yay ! And that feels like a dark forest that questions the direction we've taken at times, and sometimes it sucks and feels like a desperate situation, and it is all part of the journey. But inner forests share this with the forests you've wandered before : they do have an edge, and you reach it if you walk long enough in the same direction. So, keep at it ! You're doing great ! And don't worry on accountability and swift kicks in the ass, looking reality in the eyes is what makes progress possible, we've got you covered.

[WhiteGhost]

On 9/15/2018 at 4:59 PM, Nihra said:

I'll never see my army body again

I used to think the same thing, and after having been out for 15+ years, that seemed more and more true.  

 

Fast forward a few years and no one is more surprised than I am to find that I am now in almost as good shape as I was in the Army (can't run nearly as fast, but I am a fair bit stronger).  In fact, I am happier now with how I look and feel than I ever was when I was in.  Never give up hope