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Snarkyfishguts

Mindful of my Mind full

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Recently I've started seeing a new therapist, and this one is a great fit. In the past, my need for help outweighed my dislike of the therapist, and I would get okay enough to leave therapy and say "I hated that guy!"  With this new therapist, I feel like this is going to work. Some of the awesome things we'll be working on are my self-esteem and learning to relax.

 

I'M NOT TENSE AT ALL. SO RELAXED RIGHT NOW

 

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So this challenge is really more of a journey, and the path looks pretty good ahead. We'll see where it goes. Right now I'm going to practice mindfulness. Taking a deep breath, and noticing something outside the circle of screaming cartoon characters in my brain. 

 

Like right now, the house smells like cinnamon sugar, and the sun is bright and shining in the windows so the whole house feels living inside a warm cookie. It's just perfect 

 

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I knitted a little gnome doorstop. It's a pattern called Norman the Doorman. I really love him. Behind the door is an outlet where I've plugged in an nightlight. It's just enough light to not walk into walls. Last night, I woke up and looked at Norman, who was standing in the light looking into the room, and I had this notion that he didn't just hold the door open, but protected the room from intruders while I slept. I think he's very proud of his job. 

 

 

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There is a stinkbug on the windowsill. He hasn't moved in over 24 hours. I can't tell if he's dead or not. I know I should flush him down the toilet, but I've secretly named him George, and I visit him to see if he's moved yet or not.

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I decided yesterday to stop dieting. In my battle log, I'm working to get back to square one in regards to fitness and strength. I realized that I want to lose some weight and get stronger so my joints don't hurt anymore, but quality of life matters more to me now than how I look to other people. 

 

When I had ovarian cysts, doctors asked me why I waited so long to have surgery, and I didnt' wait. I saw doctors all the time who told me to lose weight. I ate 900 calories a day and worked out for an hour and a half. Finally, I was skinny enough it was evident I wasn't fat. I was too thin. My cysts stole a lot of energy from me. Since then, I've had this really messed up view of food and this warped sense of how eating well and exercise was a punishing effort. I stay with my current doctor because she never criticizes me for my weight, and when I talk about losing it, she reminds me I'm healthy, and that I just need to eat well and exercise for my health. 

 

And that message is finally sinking in.

 

I ate more more vegetables yesterday. Not because I wanted to lose weight or restrict calories, and honestly, I'm not crazy about vegetables. But I feel really good after I eat them. I didn't eat pretzels after 8pm, because the last time I did, I had a massive stomach ache, and I wanted to protect my body from that. But I did eat popcorn. I enjoyed the fluffy crunch. How can something so fluffy be crunchy? 

 

Call it intuitive eating. Call it common sense. Call it mindfulness. I really don't care what you call it. But I can tell you, for the first time in years, I feel like I matter again, and that I have worth. It's fragile, and it's not constant, but it's there, and it feels like this promise that things are going to be okay.

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In an attempt to be mindful today, I had a bit of a disassociation from my body like "WHAT ARE THESE FEET ABOUT?" It's like if you focus on something too long it becomes weird. my feet were SUPER WEIRD TODAY.

 

I eventually got over it. but y'all. Feet are weird.

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WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST HOUR?!

 

an old college boyfriend wrote to me. he wants to catch up online.

Mom and I got our printed itinerary for our trip to Italy next year!

 

I felt it coming. The "I'm too fat, and I have to kill myself to become the thin, beautiful person hiding under this fat person before I engage with any men or think about traveling"

 

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.

 

OR.  I just want to take care of myself and feel good about me. That doesn't mean being thin. That means feeling good about my worth. Feeling strong and doing activities with ease. Enjoying how I spend my time, and choosing what is healthy and helpful over destructive. 

 

I have worth and value right now. I don't need to be thin to prove I have worth.  I don't even know what that final number will be on the scale, and I'm determined not to let that matter more than how I feel in my body

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44 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

OR.  I just want to take care of myself and feel good about me. That doesn't mean being thin. That means feeling good about my worth. Feeling strong and doing activities with ease. Enjoying how I spend my time, and choosing what is healthy and helpful over destructive. 

 

I have worth and value right now. I don't need to be thin to prove I have worth.  I don't even know what that final number will be on the scale, and I'm determined not to let that matter more than how I feel in my body

 

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Old college boyfriend called and we caught up. He was going to be in town in a couple weeks and wanted a hook up. Tempting, to be sure, but...I just want more than that at this point in life.  I want a relationship that is more than just hooking up.  If I was still in my twenties, that'd be different. Maybe :)  After our conversation, I ended up taking the longest bath of my life and a nap. I felt very sorry for myself. We just have different dreams at this point. And that's okay. 

 

But I'm pretty bummed out, and its' totally killed my appetite. I'm just respecting that. I'll get hungry again soon. Good good good.

 

I'm going to feel sorry for myself again for a while.  I'll see y'all later :)

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Today’s early morning mindful moment is watching the morning sunshine spill into the room. It turns from a cool blue to a warm gold. The blankets are soft and warm, and I take deep breaths, trying to breathe in the color of sunshine 

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I went for a walk today to clear my mind and just t physically move away from past hurts. Around the third loop, I finally stopped thinking and just relaxed into a rhythm of moving, breathing, and feeling the air move against my skin. 

 

It’s going to be okay.

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Today feels like a Thursday. I know it’s Wednesday, but it’s definitely Thursday wearing Wednesday’s clothes. 

 

Where is the REAL Wednesday? 

 

Chipmunks make interesting noises don’t they? It’s definitely worth a google when you’re bored. I like googling bird song too, But “song” feels a bit generous for some of those squawkers.

 

 

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My therapist suggested I read a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It's a super Christian book, which isn't my cup of tea, but considering my family's strong religious background and my inability to set boundaries, in this instance, I don't mind it so much. But sometimes I just want to shout at the book "LESS SCRIPTURE, MORE GETTING TO THE POINT!"   I hate how on point the book is, and I really dislike confronting reality. But at the same time, I feel seen, and I appreciate reading it as well. No one said personal growth was beautiful :) 

 

We discussed how I get to have a life too. So we're up to working on mindfulness and setting boundaries.  I started by sending an email to my boss about some encounters I've had at work and how I'm just not comfortable closing alone anymore. And my boss responded quickly and reassured me this wouldn't happen again. Which makes me feel a lot better. A lot safer. 

 

I overbooked myself this week, and I'm also experiencing some Pre-Menstrual Emotions. I'm going to make a cup of tea, read a fluffy book, and wash underpants and say to myself "This is okay for right now. I'll feel better after some time off" :)

 

I'm getting worked up, so this is a good time to notice something outside of my head. Okay. Deep breath.... looking around.. Oh! There is a tree out the window that has green mossy spots. It's tall and narrow and also at a slight angle. It kinda looks like a Tree Giraffe. Gerry Giraffe Tree. Oh! The wind is blowing so its leaves flutter and it looks like they're all waving at the tree down the hill. "Yoo-hoo! Good morning! Bit breezy today right? Think it will rain? I sure hope so, I'm very thirsty! Oh, I see you've got a new bird in your branches! Lovely! Yes, cardinals are ALL the rage this year! Good for you! Well, I better go, I'm feeling a bit squirrely at the moment!"

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I'm getting worked up, so this is a good time to notice something outside of my head. Okay. Deep breath.... looking around.. Oh! There is a tree out the window that has green mossy spots. It's tall and narrow and also at a slight angle. It kinda looks like a Tree Giraffe. Gerry Giraffe Tree. Oh! The wind is blowing so its leaves flutter and it looks like they're all waving at the tree down the hill. "Yoo-hoo! Good morning! Bit breezy today right? Think it will rain? I sure hope so, I'm very thirsty! Oh, I see you've got a new bird in your branches! Lovely! Yes, cardinals are ALL the rage this year! Good for you! Well, I better go, I'm feeling a bit squirrely at the moment!"

This is one of the many things I like about you.  You are amazing, Snarky.  <4

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Found you! And Following off course :)

 

On 9/20/2018 at 9:20 PM, Snarkyfishguts said:

the house smells like cinnamon sugar

One of the best smells in the world <3 

 

On 9/21/2018 at 3:42 PM, Snarkyfishguts said:

I knitted a little gnome doorstop

I would love to see a picture :)

 

On 9/22/2018 at 3:23 PM, Snarkyfishguts said:

I just need to eat well and exercise for my health. 

I'm beginning to realize that too. 

Common sense is really starting to make sense :p

 

21 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I really dislike confronting reality

I think most people do. My fantasy world is really lovely...

 

21 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

We discussed how I get to have a life too. So we're up to working on mindfulness and setting boundaries.  I started by sending an email to my boss about some encounters I've had at work and how I'm just not comfortable closing alone anymore. And my boss responded quickly and reassured me this wouldn't happen again. Which makes me feel a lot better. A lot safer. 

Wow, that is a great win!

It's amazing how well people respond if you just tell them what is on your mind.

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On 9/28/2018 at 11:09 AM, Terah said:

Found you! And Following off course :)

 

One of the best smells in the world <3 

 

I would love to see a picture :)

 

I'm beginning to realize that too. 

Common sense is really starting to make sense :p

 

I think most people do. My fantasy world is really lovely...

 

Wow, that is a great win!

It's amazing how well people respond if you just tell them what is on your mind.

Lovely to see you!

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Friday we worked out again!  I almost forgot! I am back to baby lunges and baby squats. It’s really a small step forward (pun intended) but man I’m happy not to be in pain anymore. So next week, we continue to inch forward!  I am taking the weekend off after a crazy week, and  I slept a lot today. I think I’m fighting a bug. Sock it in the jaw!

 

 

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I am applying for a different position at the library today. It’s the youth services clerk. It’s more hours and more responsibility at the same pay rate. But it would resolve some of the issues I am having at the library, mainly being that I would spend more time with kids and families and less time with crazy old men. Also, I would be cleaning out the supply closet, and that would be TREMENDOUS. and I would have a more consistent schedule with more creativity. And kids like me. I like them. Fingers crossed! 

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This afternoon, I worked out my schedule. And it’s honestly not bad.  I will work 2.5 days a week, and the occasional weeekend and special event. That gives me 2.5 days to work on illustration and 2 days free time. Which oddly enough, when I had more free time, I didnt do as much. 

 

Todays mindfulness was acknowledging that I was having a lot of feelings today. I felt more confident about my decision after I worked out my schedule and saw I had evenings and weekends free. I also thought it would be good for the winters when I get SAD to sing and read the morning to children instead of staying in bed and waiting for death. 

 

I’m going to unplug for a few days and enjoy the quiet. :) 

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Hello again! 

 

A few days turned into a week! This last week was too busy again, and I am so irritated with myself for overscheduling, again. But none of the things were bad. I simply need more time to be alone, and I am not honoring that. I need to find the balance. 

 

i went to the hand doctor Friday, and I am not going to need surgery, thank heavens. I have a bruised nerve, tendonitis, and cmc arthritis

which means, rest. Ibuprofen, and exploring new hobbies that arent hand based. Less knitting, less phone use, Less videogames, less gardening. I am also going to need to change my strumming of the ukulele. Less thumbs, more fingers. I have no idea what I am going to to do, but possibilities are always nice. Suggestions are nice too, any suggestions out there?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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