Severine Wins Without Fighting

[Severine]

Okay so today was kind of an explosion of badness.

 

 

Ever since yesterday I've been having trouble breathing normally. I had a tightness in my chest and my breaths all seemed too shallow, and every few minutes I'd need to take in a really big breath, and sometimes it wouldn't feel deep enough, and I'd freak out and have to take more big deep breaths until I got a good one. Last night I was pretty sure it was just stress about an issue with a friend of mine and an event we were supposed to go to tonight (which was making me nervous every time I thought about it) and I tried to just think about other stuff, went for a walk, etc. It seemed to help a little and I went to bed, and when I woke up it seemed like all was back to normal but then as soon as I got up and stared thinking and going about my day, it started again.

 

At that point I decided to not go to the event, even though I wanted to go, just to spare myself the upset of having to see him. So fine, that decision made, I hoped I'd calm down. But by that point I had this nagging doubt in my mind - what if this is something serious and not just anxiety? Since I've had recurring issues with numbness in my right foot/calf, I was worried maybe I was missing the signs of something serious. So I called the nurse hotline. Nurse tells me to go to the hospital to get checked out for a blood clot. Of course as soon as she suggested that possibility I was extremely worried and my anxiety got worse.

 

Arrive at hospital. Thankfully they were not too busy and I got seen in less than an hour. And now, after four hours, a round of comprehensive blood tests including a D-dimer test, an ultrasound of my leg, and a chest x-ray....everything came back completely normal. So I'm...probably fine? Doctor (who was really nice and seemed hyper-competent) said the breathing thing could just be a viral thing or could be stress. He said I should come back to the hospital if it worsens, but otherwise try to put it out of mind and see if time and the knowledge that there's no blood clot leads to an anxiety decrease that alleviates the symptoms. He also referred me to a good neurologist he knows to follow up on the numbness in my foot, in case the podiatrist can't help with that.

 

So...yay for not having a blood clot (I know @fleaball feels my relief on that point) but boo for random chest tightness and breathing weirdness with no discernible explanation. The irritating thing is I don't feel like I'm anxious enough about this stupid thing with my stupid friend to have physiological symptoms like this. But it seems like my body maybe disagrees? Awesome. Way to be a team player, body.

 

The other thing: before the whole hospital debacle, I went to my weekly appointment with my eating disorder specialist. And I met her in the hallway outside her office, rather beside herself. It turns out someone had broken into her office over the weekend (she doesn't work most Mondays so I was her first appointment of the week) and she had just arrived and was still in shock. As I told Flea earlier, it was a strange kind of role reversal...because, while I might have a messed up relationship with food, I am super good at level-headed crisis response, so I was helping her for a change. I sat her down and talked her through what she needs to do (call police, call insurance, find out her obligations under HIPAA, etc.) and calmed her down a bit and tried to get her to stop apologizing. Then I declared our appointment rescheduled for next week (initially she was like, "just let me compose myself and we can meet" and I was like "...no? call the police?") and headed out once I knew she was okay. So...that's all pretty crazy! Her office is in quite a wealthy area and she has a lot of well-off/important clients so my bet is that some nosy parents or spouse wanted to see a family member's records, or someone was going for blackmail material, or something crazy like that.

 

Also it's raining and the apple I was looking forward to eating when I got home was already half gone bad.

 

You're benched, Tuesday. Let's get Wednesday in here ASAP.

[Jean]

Hope Wednesday brings you good things. Congrats on the crisis response, sacrificing your appointment included, you seem to have done great despite your own troubles and your shitty day. That's more stress for you, though, so maybe that 'helped' with the breathing?

[Tobbe]

13 hours ago, Severine said:

You're benched, Tuesday. Let's get Wednesday in here ASAP.

 

 Take care! It saddens me to read about your troubles  

 

13 hours ago, Severine said:

The irritating thing is I don't feel like I'm anxious enough about this stupid thing with my stupid friend to have physiological symptoms like this. But it seems like my body maybe disagrees?

 

Even if it didn't feel like such a big deal itself, it could have been the straw that broke the camel's back so to say... But good that you got a full checkup! I bet you can't wait for the podiatrist appointment, to get that calf/foot properly looked at too! 

[Severine]

Today is better! Breathing is not all the way back to normal but definitely improved from the last two days. It's been a really busy day which I think it actually helping - no time to think about how my breathing is, which means I'm not fixating on it which means I'm not psyching myself out.

 

Teaching went well this morning and I was able to help one of my students who recently lost her green card - I got her an appointment with the immigration law clinic that operates in the same building as our ESOL classes. Very happy to have a useful real-life impact on students when I can.

 

Wellness group meets tonight. I'm a little nervous because tonight there's a dietitian coming in to talk about nutrition and I'm worried it's going to wake up a lot of the food anxieties (about what is good and what is bad, and how I have to be perfect by only ever eating good foods and if I ever eat anything bad it's a shameful character failing) that I'm trying to fight. Fingers crossed it'll be okay. 

[fleaball]

Yikes. Glad you're okay! (Fun fact: I never think of breathing issues when I worry about blood clots. Just "oh no my leg hurts." Useless.) Given that you're all clear medically, I definitely think it's the current shitshow that's happening. You might not think you're anxious enough for it but you're also used to being anxious a lot, so your meter's broken to start with. Plus it's not just anxiety you're experiencing; there are a LOT of other emotions going on iirc, plus it's dredging up a bunch of other related shit from your past that you now have to deal with as well. Even if you're not consciously thinking about it all, there are reasons why the thing that's bothering you is bothering you so much, and that's all just simmering underneath. Maybe being stressed about going to the thing with him just brought this all to a head, and by the time you calmed down enough you anxiety took the shiny new worry about your breathing and just went wild. 

[Severine]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

I definitely think it's the current shitshow that's happening. You might not think you're anxious enough for it but you're also used to being anxious a lot, so your meter's broken to start with. Plus it's not just anxiety you're experiencing; there are a LOT of other emotions going on iirc, plus it's dredging up a bunch of other related shit from your past that you now have to deal with as well. Even if you're not consciously thinking about it all, there are reasons why the thing that's bothering you is bothering you so much, and that's all just simmering underneath. Maybe being stressed about going to the thing with him just brought this all to a head, and by the time you calmed down enough you anxiety took the shiny new worry about your breathing and just went wild. 

 

Yeah, you've perfectly summed up my theory about the reason. 

[Severine]

Wellness group was pretty good! The nutritionist they had in wasn't bad or scary, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the group, and there was a new guy tonight who I thought was a good influence on the group dynamics. The only bad thing, really, was that one of the participants seems to have no filter and has no idea when to shut up. Wanted to shoot her into space a couple of times.

 

Back over 10K steps today thanks to a nice walk with L in the evening. 

 

Dinner was very tasty. L made fregola with artichokes and spinach, and I mixed in some chicken. I also had some reeeeally good aged beemster gouda and half an apple.

[Tobbe]

10 hours ago, Severine said:

Wellness group meets tonight. I'm a little nervous because tonight there's a dietitian coming in to talk about nutrition and I'm worried it's going to wake up a lot of the food anxieties (about what is good and what is bad, and how I have to be perfect by only ever eating good foods and if I ever eat anything bad it's a shameful character failing) that I'm trying to fight. Fingers crossed it'll be okay. 

 

It's probably going to be very interesting, but also, as you say, might be triggering 

 

Good that your breathing felt better today!

[Tobbe]

Hah, should read all updates to the thread before replying!

 

Great that the group meeting was a success!  

[Tobbe]

4 hours ago, Severine said:

fregola with artichokes and spinach, and I mixed in some chicken

 

Never heard of "fregola" before. Some kind of pasta balls? 

 

The artichokes and spinach reminds me of a really good dip I had earlier this summer when I was in San Diego, CA. We don't do dips like that here. But I think we should, because it was awesome!  

 

4 hours ago, Severine said:

aged beemster gouda and half an apple

 

Aged cheese is the best cheese! And with a bit of sweet fruit to go with it I can only imagine it was even better!  

[Tobbe]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Maybe being stressed about going to the thing with him just brought this all to a head,

 

Exactly! That's what I meant with "the straw that broke the camel's back". It's often not just a single thing, but all the small things together that just ends up being too much!

[Severine]

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Never heard of "fregola" before. Some kind of pasta balls? 

 

Yeah, it's Italian and it has a different flavour than most pasta because it's toasted. So it has a richer, slightly nutty taste that I really like. L often makes it mixed with spinach or arugula, various veggies, and sometimes some goat cheese. I like it better than most "normal" pastas.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fregula

 

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

The artichokes and spinach reminds me of a really good dip I had earlier this summer when I was in San Diego, CA. We don't do dips like that here. But I think we should, because it was awesome!  

 

Oh yeah, spinach and artichoke dip is huge over here. Some of the dips are really good, but at other places they add way too much cream and then it's really a creamy dip without much flavour. I prefer the ones with nice big chunks of artichokes.

[Severine]

5 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Aged cheese is the best cheese!

 

I am glad to see people of taste in this establishment   

[Severine]

Today was pretty decent. Breathing is still bothering me a bit, but since I'm certain now that it's just anxiety (I also noticed my heart rate was elevated a lot of today) at least it's worrying me less and I'm just trying to focus on taking care of myself to handle the stress.

 

And taking care of myself went surprisingly well today! Slept not awfully, had a reasonable breakfast (scrambled eggs, plus a bowl of raspberries) at a decent time, and then ate sensibly for the whole day, all home cooked stuff. And most importantly there was no agonizing over the food choices - it felt natural and not stressful (in the past I was NEVER calm like this about food...it is getting slightly more common, which is great progress). Got some exercise (nice walk tonight! total 11,000+ steps for the day), accomplished a bunch of things, and remembered to call my Grampa for his birthday today.

 

Also a slight house health upgrade today - we had a little bit of mould forming in one corner of the basement where some water seeped in through the foundation during a big storm a while back, so I arranged for a company to come and remediate it this morning. Not thrilled about spending the money, but definitely want to keep indoor air quality high - breathing mould is no fun for anyone. So yeah, I feel good about sorting that out.

 

Oh and speaking of spending money, some slight frivolity: I ordered a Fitbit Charge 3    My Charge 2 is fine, and there is really no need to upgrade, so I have to admit it is an indulgence. But the new one is thinner and lighter and less bulky on the wrist, and I decided that there are worse things than splurging on device that I wear almost 24 hours a day and which motivates me to be more active.  

 

Podiatrist tomorrow! I'm looking forward to it but also nervous about the possibility of finding out that something is really wrong. Fingers crossed.

[Severine]

This just made my evening. For some reason @Sylvaa I thought you would appreciate it...seemed to be in line with your sense of humour 

 

 

[Jean]

Fingers crossed for the podiatrist.

And congrats on getting all these things accomplished!

[Tobbe]

4 hours ago, Severine said:

This just made my evening. For some reason @Sylvaa I thought you would appreciate it...seemed to be in line with your sense of humour 

 

 

 

Made me laugh  Thanks for brightening up my morning!  

[Tobbe]

4 hours ago, Severine said:

Oh and speaking of spending money, some slight frivolity: I ordered a Fitbit Charge 3

 

Yay! New toys  Let us know how you like it when you get it!  

 

4 hours ago, Severine said:

Podiatrist tomorrow! I'm looking forward to it but also nervous about the possibility of finding out that something is really wrong. Fingers crossed.

 

And thumbs held! http://www.nordstjernan.com/news/traditions/5824/

[TimovieMan]

7 hours ago, Severine said:

Oh and speaking of spending money, some slight frivolity: I ordered a Fitbit Charge 3  

Heh, I sent a link to the Fitbit Charge 3 to the missus this morning as a not-too-subtle hint for Christmas.

 

Do let me know how satisfied you are with it!

[Sylvaa]

8 hours ago, Severine said:

This just made my evening. For some reason @Sylvaa I thought you would appreciate it...seemed to be in line with your sense of humour 

 

A+ - this is definitely the type of thing I love being tagged in. And I would absolutely do this, if I were not too lazy to spend that much time cleaning out a Hershey's syrup bottle!

 

 

[Tobbe]

11 hours ago, Severine said:

I ordered a Fitbit Charge 3

 

3 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

Heh, I sent a link to the Fitbit Charge 3 to the missus this morning as a not-too-subtle hint for Christmas.

 

If any of you, (or anyone else for that matter...) need another reason it's good idea to use a fitbit, here's an article I just saw  

 

https://www.engadget.com/2018/10/04/fitbit-data-heart-rate-murder-arrest/

[Arkania]

3 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

A+ - this is definitely the type of thing I love being tagged in. And I would absolutely do this, if I were not too lazy to spend that much time cleaning out a Hershey's syrup bottle!

 

 

The first three times or so you can use (warm) milk to clean it up

[Sylvaa]

7 minutes ago, Arkania said:

The first three times or so you can use (warm) milk to clean it up

 

What makes this entire thing even better is that I live about 45 minutes from THE Hershey, PA. So like, not only would I do this, I can find a giant economy size bottle to use.

[Tobbe]

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

 

What makes this entire thing even better is that I live about 45 minutes from THE Hershey, PA. So like, not only would I do this, I can find a giant economy size bottle to use.

 

That's perfect! 

[Severine]

Confession time: I have DOMS in my arms...from using the edge trimmer on the lawn for like 35 minutes. Oh how far my upper body strength has fallen.

 

Podiatrist report: to make a long story short, he thinks my biomechanics and gait are off for a variety of reasons and that, as a result, my tendons aren't working together properly and there's a lot of strain being put on individual tendons in ways that's leading to inflammation inside the leg, which is in turn pressing on the nerves and causing the numbness/tingling sensation. Eventually he wants to set me up with orthotics but he says the first step is to reduce the inflammation and identify which tendons are under strain. So I'm getting a prescription cream which helps with the inflammation and he taped a round little pad to a certain part of the bottom of my foot to offset the way I'm walking. I'm supposed to use the cream, and walk with the pad thing, and then go back in 5 weeks for the next step.

 

I definitely agree I have biomechanics/gait issues, so I'm glad to be working on those. But I'm not 100% convinced that my foot numbness is all due to that, considering I also have arm numbness on the same side - my old doctor said that was just carpal tunnel, and maybe it is, but it seems a weird coincidence to me. So I'll buy a new carpal tunnel brace, and see if that helps the arm, and I have an appointment with a neurologist for Nov 6 so we'll see if they have a different perspective.

 

But anyway...progress! It's happening! I am pursuing sensible health care avenues in an effort to look after myself!  \o/

 

Oh and BTW @fleaball if you ever need a podiatrist, this dude is the shit. Just super nice and really thorough. He was so good about weight stuff, too. Like when he asked me why I'd waited so long to see someone about this, I mentioned that I had already told my old PCP and she just told me to lose weight, and he like...apologized on behalf of doctors? He was very vocal about how doctors often misdiagnose/mistreat people because they assume weight causes everything, and that was super validating. He explained that while carrying extra weight will make recovery slower, it has absolutely nothing to do with causing the biomechanics issues which he says likely started when I was a small child.

 

Got over 11K steps today despite walking with the weird pad thing. Too early to tell if it's helping but hey at least it doesn't make walking harder?