Severine Wins Without Fighting

[Tobbe]

About gait, biomechanics and weight... I watched this documentary two days ago

 

 

Now, he's obviously more overweight than most. But it was interesting to see just how his body size impacted the way he moved. And how he had to twist/swing just when walking straight. And how it improved when he lost some of that excess fat!

 

Obviously not saying this is you. Just thought it was interesting, and not something I had really thought of before  

[Severine]

4 hours ago, Tobbe said:

About gait, biomechanics and weight... I watched this documentary two days ago

 

This is not to make you feel bad for posting it, but I hate documentaries like this, that are quite sensational and attempt to go for the "shock factor" and make a big list of all the scary things that happen due to weight gain, and often do it in a way that shames overweight people - for example, the example of his diet with eating a whole pizza etc. just promotes the idea that people get fat because they're lazy, greedy, and lack self-regulation. Research has repeatedly shown that shame and scare tactics only work for a very small percentage of people. For the majority of people, these tactics are not only ineffective in getting people to make lasting health improvements (including weight loss), they're actually more likely to make people avoid the very things that would help them make improvements (like exercising, going to the gym, seeing a doctor) because they are afraid people will judge them and mock them when they do (and often, they are right). 

 

Also, the guy himself...it seems like his whole comedian routine revolves around...making fun of himself? And by extension, other fat people? It seems very bizarre to me. Perhaps for his sense of humour it works, but to me it seems very mean spirited. Making fun of people for how they look, whether it's weight, or a disability, or looking unattractive, or having certain clothes...eh. It bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. Even if someone is fat because they eat nothing but pizza and lie around all day, they're still a human being and deserve compassion. I have seen people who consider themselves to be kind and good people, and who would never ever make fun of someone for being in a wheelchair or having a certain skin colour, watch a fat person walk by and say something truly mocking and cruel (and ignorant). It boggles my mind. Why are fat people a special category that so many feel it's okay to deride? Weight bias has serious consequences for people in their careers, etc.

 

Quote

Now, he's obviously more overweight than most. But it was interesting to see just how his body size impacted the way he moved. And how he had to twist/swing just when walking straight. And how it improved when he lost some of that excess fat!

 

As for the fact that his weight affected his biomechanics, yeah I can see how for him it's a real issue. The thing is though, even if a person is having difficulties as a result of extra weight, they still need medical care for the problem. If you go to the doctor and you're having trouble walking due to weight and your doctor just says, "lose weight" and doesn't help you alleviate the pain or discomfort in the meantime, in my eye that doctor has failed at their job. Even if the cause is weight, the person needs help alleviating the discomfort, in part because in order to lose weight they need to be able to move around with less pain so exercising is feasible. The sad reality is that many fat people go to the doctor for help, only to be sent away with an order to lose weight and no help for their current problem. After that happens enough times, many people stop going to the doctor altogether. This is one of the reasons health outcomes are worse on average for fat people.

[Tobbe]

I don't feel bad for posting it. And I agree with all the points you make. I don't even think there's a "But... " coming here. Not really sure how to respond since I can't really argue against anything you said since I agree with all of it. All I can say is that I enjoyed the documentary. I was glad to see that he didn't go for the gastric bypass, but rather tried to fix the real problem. I was happy to see him get happier, and also the people around him.

[Severine]

Just now, Tobbe said:

I don't feel bad for posting it. And I agree with all the points you make. I don't even think there's a "But... " coming here. Not really sure how to respond since I can't really argue against anything you said since I agree with all of it. All I can say is that I enjoyed the documentary. I was glad to see that he didn't go for the gastric bypass, but rather tried to fix the real problem. I was happy to see him get happier, and also the people around him.

 

Agreed about that part for sure - it was a good outcome for him, and hopefully he'll be able to make that permanent. He seemed to be able to take some perspective and inspiration from the whole experience, which is great. And I agree with you about the surgery. While I respect people's right to make their own choices, in my mind it is a very scary and risky and ill-advised thing to do. To me it seems much scarier than losing weight the non-surgical way, and just as difficult, so I confess I don't really understand the appeal. There is a common misunderstanding that gastric bypass is the easy way out...but a friend of mine had it done recently and she still has to change her diet drastically, exercise, etc...all the same things she would have to do without surgery. With the added threat of surgical complications and a lowered ability to absorb nutrients. 

 

As for my friend, I keep my thoughts to myself to avoid offending her, but I am very worried for the future health impacts for her. Nutrient absorption problems, potential complications, etc....the list of pitfalls is long even if you manage to stick to the regime of only ever eating tiny meals. And if you go off the plan, the consequences can be deadly. Plus who can know what the impact will be when she's 70 or 80? 

[Tobbe]

Thanks for not taking it the wrong way 

[Severine]

19 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

Thanks for not taking it the wrong way 

 

Oh of course! Everyone brings their own perspective and one of the things I like about the NF forums is that almost everyone here seems to be able to discuss things, even sensitive topics, with respect for each other, and even when people aren't in agreement, it's okay.

[Arkania]

You can't change people, but your attitude.

So no need to get angry or something

 

I understand you both and my opinion is, I think, the same. That (heavy) overweight is not good for your body (and your mind!): We don't have to talk about that.

But that fat people are treated like shit sometimes, this is not right. We need more information without judging.

I heard from a lot of doctors that do the complete opposite. Just subscribe drugs and don't say anything about the weight. That's not the right way either.

 

 

[Severine]

Good amount of activity today (over 10K steps) but also I can definitely tell the special footpad thing the podiatrist gave me is affecting things, because I'm having weird muscle soreness in strange parts of my leg which I assume is because I'm engaging muscles I don't normally engage. I'm taking it as a good sign, oddly enough? Hopefully it means my body can and will adjust, and that those muscles will gradually strengthen and then allow me to realign whatever it is I'm currently doing wrong.

 

Also, I remembered this afternoon that my right leg got pretty messed up when I was 13 and I was hit by a car while riding my bike (person ran a red light, knocked me off my bike, and drove away without even stopping to see if I was okay - they never did catch them). I wonder if that laid the groundwork for my current problems? It's the same leg where I have the numbness now. If it does have something to do with it, let me just express my deep loathing for the kind of asshole who hits a child with their car and drives off without helping. Argh! Now I'm mad all over again.

 

Ate too much chocolate today, mostly just because I was silly and left the dish next to me when I was using the computer - this is pretty much a guaranteed recipe for mindless snacking for me. I enjoyed the first few and after that it was just mechanical reflex eating. Sigh. But other than that, food was good. I've been eating well balanced meals and my portions have been sensible AND I've been enjoying it. I still have so far to go but I really do feel I'm making progress. 

 

And it's strange, but when I'm doing well with eating, I often start to feel uneasy. Defensive, kind of, and suspicious. I feel like I know it can't last and there's this odd sense of dread of the time I mess it all up. Which sometimes leads me to self-sabotage just to get the inevitable over with? I've been talking with my eating disorder specialist about this a little and she has talked about the importance of building self-trust and re-writing the narrative I have around food and how I relate to it. We've also talked a little bit about fear, and how fear in many ways is my predominant emotion toward food. Still a lot of thinking/talking/working on that in my future I think.

[Jean]

I'd say, call your podiatrist to ask if the soreness is normal. Chances are it is but it's the kind of feedback that's good to have when monitoring a situation. I guess doctors are no different in that regard (and like to know early if what they gave works or is going awry).

 

I'm sorry for your childhood accident. some people are fools and jerks that way. Hope it didn't traumatize you too much.

 

Also, this:

4 hours ago, Severine said:

I feel like I know it can't last and there's this odd sense of dread of the time I mess it all up. Which sometimes leads me to self-sabotage just to get the inevitable over with?

 

I can so relate! The thing is, if there is something to dread from the situation coming to an end, that means that the situation is enjoyable all by itself. So why can't we simply enjoy it and let aside the fear? Because, being honest, the whole dread factor makes the experience quite a bit less enjoyable and, if it's just something we don't enjoy that comes to an end, there's really no reason to fear it at all... but we do anyway. Strange.

[Tobbe]

7 hours ago, Severine said:

Also, I remembered this afternoon that my right leg got pretty messed up when I was 13 and I was hit by a car while riding my bike (person ran a red light, knocked me off my bike, and drove away without even stopping to see if I was okay - they never did catch them). I wonder if that laid the groundwork for my current problems? It's the same leg where I have the numbness now. If it does have something to do with it, let me just express my deep loathing for the kind of asshole who hits a child with their car and drives off without helping. Argh! Now I'm mad all over again.

 

OMG! You've been hit by a car!? I'm glad you're still here to tell the tale!

 

If I ever hit someone (and especially if was a hit-and-run) I'd feel so bad I don't know if I could live with myself. I hope whoever hit you also (still) feel really bad about it!

 

7 hours ago, Severine said:

Ate too much chocolate today, mostly just because I was silly and left the dish next to me when I was using the computer - this is pretty much a guaranteed recipe for mindless snacking for me. I enjoyed the first few and after that it was just mechanical reflex eating.

 

I know! A bag of candy next to the computer is so bad! But I don't usually feel it's just/only mechanical reflex eating. I mean, it's that too. But it's not like I'm not enjoying what I'm putting in my mouth. Right there and then I do enjoy the candy. It's more afterwards, when looking back at the situation, that it feels pretty stupid and mindless. And it is mindless, but not "enjoyableless".

 

7 hours ago, Severine said:

And it's strange, but when I'm doing well with eating, I often start to feel uneasy.

 

I don't know if it's the same feeling, but when I'm doing "good" with my eating I'm always feeling the building sensation towards a binge. The longer it goes on, the stronger the feeling of a nascent binge will get  

[Severine]

On 10/7/2018 at 4:37 AM, Jean said:

I can so relate! The thing is, if there is something to dread from the situation coming to an end, that means that the situation is enjoyable all by itself. So why can't we simply enjoy it and let aside the fear? Because, being honest, the whole dread factor makes the experience quite a bit less enjoyable and, if it's just something we don't enjoy that comes to an end, there's really no reason to fear it at all... but we do anyway. Strange.

 

Yeah, it's completely illogical. Humans are such odd creatures. I wish that mere awareness of a behaviour being illogical were enough to stop it...haha.

 

On 10/7/2018 at 7:30 AM, Tobbe said:

OMG! You've been hit by a car!? I'm glad you're still here to tell the tale!

 

Yeah, I was 13 and I was biking across a crosswalk and a guy ran a red light and hit me. I was fortunate that the only serious injury was to my leg. It's funny how I had almost completely forgotten about it...it seems so long ago.

 

On 10/7/2018 at 7:30 AM, Tobbe said:

If I ever hit someone (and especially if was a hit-and-run) I'd feel so bad I don't know if I could live with myself. I hope whoever hit you also (still) feel really bad about it!

 

Yeah, I don't know how they sleep at night. Denial and avoidance, probably? Unless they're a sociopath and just don't care.

 

On 10/7/2018 at 7:30 AM, Tobbe said:

I know! A bag of candy next to the computer is so bad! But I don't usually feel it's just/only mechanical reflex eating. I mean, it's that too. But it's not like I'm not enjoying what I'm putting in my mouth. Right there and then I do enjoy the candy. It's more afterwards, when looking back at the situation, that it feels pretty stupid and mindless. And it is mindless, but not "enjoyableless".

 

Hrm, you have a good point there. When it becomes mechanical, it's definitely a lower amount of enjoyment than the first one or two that I really tasted, but you're right that there is still a certain pleasure there. Perhaps that very effect (of diminishing returns) is what keeps the eating going mindlessly...your brain keeps trying to recapture the pleasure of the first chocolate, so it keeps reaching for more, but then when the pleasure is less, instead of giving up it just keeps trying again? Will need to think more about this.

 

On 10/7/2018 at 7:30 AM, Tobbe said:

I don't know if it's the same feeling, but when I'm doing "good" with my eating I'm always feeling the building sensation towards a binge. The longer it goes on, the stronger the feeling of a nascent binge will get  

 

Yeah, exactly. Like the longer I do well the more inevitable it feels that the dam is about to burst. My eating disorder specialist says that bingeing is a direct reaction to restriction and moralizing about food - so like, in her argument, the obsession with "being good" is the very thing that builds up tension and feelings of vigilance or deprivation, both of which are exhausting, and then eventually causes the binge. She says bingeing stops when eating decisions become simply about eating (for nutrition, health, and pleasure) and not about whether I'm a good/bad person or whether I'm succeeding/failing at my desired way of eating.

[Tobbe]

21 minutes ago, Severine said:

When it becomes mechanical, it's definitely a lower amount of enjoyment than the first one or two that I really tasted

 

Yes, agreed.

 

But at the same time I feel that if I've decided beforehand that I'm only going to have one piece of candy that single piece is not as enjoyable as the first one is when I've decided to eat as much as I want/can... I'm not yet sure why that is.

 

24 minutes ago, Severine said:

your brain keeps trying to recapture the pleasure of the first chocolate, so it keeps reaching for more, but then when the pleasure is less, instead of giving up it just keeps trying again?

 

Interesting thought. Could very well be the case!

 

25 minutes ago, Severine said:

She says bingeing stops when eating decisions become simply about eating (for nutrition, health, and pleasure) and not about whether I'm a good/bad person or whether I'm succeeding/failing at my desired way of eating.

 

We haven't talked about this at all in my sessions with my therapist. She has always just said that the binges will stop when I start feeding my body the amount of energy and micro-/macro nutrients it requires every day for several weeks, or even months, in a row. We haven't touched the mindset side of it at all really... But you're definitely right in that it's exhausting! 

[Severine]

49 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

But at the same time I feel that if I've decided beforehand that I'm only going to have one piece of candy that single piece is not as enjoyable as the first one is when I've decided to eat as much as I want/can... I'm not yet sure why that is.

 

Yes! Absolutely also this.

 

49 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

We haven't talked about this at all in my sessions with my therapist. She has always just said that the binges will stop when I start feeding my body the amount of energy and micro-/macro nutrients it requires every day for several weeks, or even months, in a row. We haven't touched the mindset side of it at all really... But you're definitely right in that it's exhausting! 

 

Interesting. It sounds like they both say the same thing - that bingeing is a reaction to restricting. But yours focuses on the nutritional/biological side of things. Mine talks about that too, but she definitely also puts a lot of emphasis on the mental/emotional impacts of restriction. 

[zeroh13]

Last month, I met with an ED specialist, and got properly diagnosed (going into it I was scared that he wouldn't take me seriously, because I "look normal"). But I think hearing you first talk about it gave me a little push to make that first appointment.

 

On 10/7/2018 at 12:03 AM, Severine said:

And it's strange, but when I'm doing well with eating, I often start to feel uneasy. Defensive, kind of, and suspicious. I feel like I know it can't last and there's this odd sense of dread of the time I mess it all up. Which sometimes leads me to self-sabotage just to get the inevitable over with? I've been talking with my eating disorder specialist about this a little and she has talked about the importance of building self-trust and re-writing the narrative I have around food and how I relate to it. We've also talked a little bit about fear, and how fear in many ways is my predominant emotion toward food. Still a lot of thinking/talking/working on that in my future I think.

I'm at a stage where I want to get better, but I'm terrified of getting better. (I've read a couple blogs that mention this too.) So that's where the uneasy feeling comes from for me. And then another part of it comes from a place of shame. Like a couple days ago, I actually ate three meals (which hasn't happened in a long time), but after I told my wife (and she congratulated me) I got it into my head that it was stupid to be happy about something like that, because that shouldn't be hard! And whenever I feel bad about food (the reason really doesn't seem to matter), I dig my heels in, and then restrict even more. *sigh*

 

57 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

We haven't talked about this at all in my sessions with my therapist. She has always just said that the binges will stop when I start feeding my body the amount of energy and micro-/macro nutrients it requires every day for several weeks, or even months, in a row. We haven't touched the mindset side of it at all really... But you're definitely right in that it's exhausting! 

 

11 minutes ago, Severine said:

Interesting. It sounds like they both say the same thing - that bingeing is a reaction to restricting. But yours focuses on the nutritional/biological side of things. Mine talks about that too, but she definitely also puts a lot of emphasis on the mental/emotional impacts of restriction.

I think both sides do need to be addressed. At least that kind of understanding is helpful for me. Mine hasn't really talked about either...

[Severine]

Yesterday was a good day! Went up to Vermont with L and we drove around and enjoyed the gorgeousness of the leaves changing colour. With the dramatic topography of the Green Mountains and everything all yellow and red and orange, it's truly breathtaking. We go up most years around this time. We also stopped at a cool nature center (https://vinsweb.org) and saw an awesome show of falconry demonstration with live trained birds - a peregrine falcon, a red-tailed hawk, a barn owl, and a Cooper's hawk. It was awesome.

 

There was a lot of good food - we went to the Cabot Cheese place where they have all the free samples, and we went to the "Apple & Crafts Fair" in Woodstock and there was a lot of good stuff, and it was a good chance to practice enjoying tasty things in sensible amounts without feeling guilty, trying to just let myself really celebrate a little taste of special cheese or a bit of fudge or something, and seeing if enjoying it without guilt made it easier to just have a little. I think it did help? I felt pretty good about food for the day which is not normally the case at a big special event like that.

 

Had a frustrating experience with an old friend last night, though. We used to be really close, and I try to stay in touch, but every time we talk recently it's been so incredibly one-sided. We end up only talking about her - like I've talked to her probably a half dozen times since I decided to start taking accounting courses part-time, and she still doesn't know because she never shows any interest in what's up with me. And what's worse, the only thing she wants to talk about these days is this hobby she's become really involved in with her new partner. It is something I have absolutely zero interest in, and while I am happy to listen for a while, I really really do not want to hear a 45-minute overview of the details of hobby stuff and the social drama between the people she knows from that world. She's become pretty obsessed with it and seems to be totally unaware of how these conversations feel to people outside of the hobby world, and it has made talking to her kind of...terrible? This dog is me last night, basically, at the end of the conversation:

 

 

 

 

[Tobbe]

18 minutes ago, Severine said:

Interesting. It sounds like they both say the same thing - that bingeing is a reaction to restricting. But yours focuses on the nutritional/biological side of things. Mine talks about that too, but she definitely also puts a lot of emphasis on the mental/emotional impacts of restriction. 

 

Clearly both sides are important. And I hope both yours and my therapist knows this. Maybe they just focus on (what they assess to be) the most pressing matter first.

[Severine]

5 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

Last month, I met with an ED specialist, and got properly diagnosed (going into it I was scared that he wouldn't take me seriously, because I "look normal"). But I think hearing you first talk about it gave me a little push to make that first appointment.

 

While I'm obviously sorry to hear that you're also struggling with food stuff, I think it's fantastic that you've reached the point where you feel comfortable reaching out for help. And yeah I think that the more people talk about it, the easier it is for others around to know it's okay to get help. I know seeing Staci (of Nerd Fitness fame) post on instagram about her past experiences with eating disorders was one of the things that helped me feel the impulse to finally do something.

 

5 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

I'm at a stage where I want to get better, but I'm terrified of getting better. (I've read a couple blogs that mention this too.) So that's where the uneasy feeling comes from for me. And then another part of it comes from a place of shame. Like a couple days ago, I actually ate three meals (which hasn't happened in a long time), but after I told my wife (and she congratulated me) I got it into my head that it was stupid to be happy about something like that, because that shouldn't be hard! And whenever I feel bad about food (the reason really doesn't seem to matter), I dig my heels in, and then restrict even more. *sigh*

 

Yeah I think overcoming and dealing with shame is a big part of any recovery. Because obviously the thing we really want is to not be in the situation at all, which makes it hard to celebrate progress along a path you wish you didn't have to walk! And I think shedding that shame and accepting where you are and what you need to do is a necessary but difficult process. Because realistically if we can't forgive ourselves for needing to work on something, it's going to make it almost impossible to do the work we need to do.

 

Anyway, sending hugs and good wishes. Are you doing a challenge or log atm?

[Tobbe]

 

13 minutes ago, Severine said:

There was a lot of good food (we went to the Cabot Cheese place where they have all the free samples, and we went to the "Apple & Crafts Fair" in Woodstock and there was a lot of good stuff, and it was a good chance to practice enjoying tasty things in sensible amounts without feeling guilty, trying to just let myself really celebrate a little taste of special cheese or a bit of fudge or something, and seeing if enjoying it without guilt made it easier to just have a little. I think it did help? I felt pretty good about food for the day which is not normally the case at a big special event like that.

 

I used to love going to food events like that! I'd actually go out of my way to be able to attend. Last year for example we drove 250 miles one way to attend a one day bbq event  But now I'm just too worried I will feel so bad about all the tasting/eating that I instead avoid situations like that  So I'm super happy to hear that you were able to not only go there, but to enjoy it, and also feeling good about the experience  That's really great 

 

11 minutes ago, Severine said:

Had a frustrating experience with an old friend last night, though. We used to be really close

 

Sorry about (losing?) the friend  I'm much more of a listener than a talker myself. But it does come a point where enough is enough, even for me! What if you just told her, "hey, I love to listen to what you've been up to, but what if we talked about my life for a little bit?" (but with nicer words)

[zeroh13]

12 minutes ago, Severine said:

Anyway, sending hugs and good wishes. Are you doing a challenge or log atm?

I just came back (to NF) a day or two ago, so instead of jumping into the last week of a challenge, I'm going to take my time this week to really figure out what I want to do. I should be ready by the time the next one goes live.

[Tobbe]

31 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

I think both sides do need to be addressed. At least that kind of understanding is helpful for me. Mine hasn't really talked about either...

 

I'm sure you'll get there! If you just started to talk to a therapist you two will need to get to know each other before you can start talking about specific issues I think  

[Arkania]

Quote

..your brain keeps trying to recapture the pleasure of the first chocolate, so it keeps reaching for more, but then when the pleasure is less, instead of giving up it just keeps trying again?

 

Yeah, like other (addictive) drugs.

I don't want say, that sugar is an addictive drug (ok, I want to say it.... ) but this is what addiction is all about, right?
And I think there are people that get addictive very easily and people that don't. And I know you can change.

It forever will need a lot more willpower to consume a "not to bad" amount of whatever it is than for others, but it works.

I am kind of that person. I know would I go gambling I would be stuck there forever and lose everything. Or would I try a drug that ...hm.. just makes you feel real good (without the disadvantages) I would be sooo done with my life. I had a time when I was strugglign with such things (not that bad, all the drugs I tried had disadvantages that I felt worse about than the feeling on the drug), but it took a looooot of willpower. The same with sugar.

 

Do you know the spoon theory?

 

We know so little about neurological issues so far, it is really really interesting how hormones, amino acids and brain proccesses etc can cause such things. Without us beeing (sometimes) able to do something against it.

I think giving your body "enough" to eat for some time (is always good ) should be done after "healing" the cause(s) but to get to know what is "enough" you need to know if there are physical causes and/or "just" mental causes and then fix them.

Because would a very overweight or underweight person decide for him/herself (or let the body "decide") what is enough I think they couldn't do that because they have had for too long the habit of not-hearing their body or mental/physical causes which prevents them from doing right.

 

1 hour ago, Tobbe said:

We haven't talked about this at all in my sessions with my therapist. She has always just said that the binges will stop when I start feeding my body the amount of energy and micro-/macro nutrients it requires every day for several weeks, or even months, in a row. We haven't touched the mindset side of it at all really... But you're definitely right in that it's exhausting! 

 

So I don't think that only eating good is the key.

If one could turn off their brain, yes,   then it would.

[zeroh13]

1 minute ago, Tobbe said:

 

I'm sure you'll get there! If you just started to talk to a therapist you two will need to get to know each other before you can start talking about specific issues I think  

This guy is a doctor at an ED clinic. The first followup visit was pretty short. Like, I give a progress report and he gives me homework. It's been more like my psychiatrist appointments than my therapy ones. I have a regular therapist that I see every week or two, but he doesn't know much about eating disorders (he's suggested more than once that I see a specialist). BUT, if I can find the root of the problem, he can likely help me with that. (My C-PTSD might be related, but we haven't really explored that topic. Probably should, but eeek so scary!)

[Arkania]

Just edited my post, forgot the most I wanted to say

And soooo many typos....

[zeroh13]

1 hour ago, Arkania said:

Because would a very overweight or underweight person decide for him/herself (or let the body "decide") what is enough I think they couldn't do that because they have had for too long the habit of not-hearing their body or mental/physical causes which prevents them from doing right.

Part of the recovery process it to basically retrain your body to give you the correct signals when appropriate (normalizing metabolism). Something that may have started as a habit, has become what your body has deemed to be normal. Changing bad habits is hard, but add this element and it becomes much harder. 

 

One day awhile back (IDK how many months ago), I had this revelation that my eating disorder was just like an addiction. "I want to stop, but I can't. I can't control this. This is something I honestly can't fix on my own." Around this time I was struggling with the question, "do I really have a real problem?" The answer is yes, but I still have trouble believing it. 

 

There's also some interesting stuff out there about how EDs affect neurotransmitters. (I like this article: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/toolkit/parent-toolkit/neurotransmitters)

[Severine]

A collection of things about today with no narrative connection because I am sleepy:

• Over 10,000 steps again thanks to a nice long walk this evening which I am happy I did despite the drizzle.
  • I am happy with how I've been changing my mindset around activity - instead of thinking about how many calories it burns I've been thinking about building fitness in order to do more fun stuff, thinking about the stress release and mood boost it offers, and just generally doing it for enjoyment and health instead of as a weight loss tool. Has definitely helped me feel more positive about it.
    • Note, this is something I have of course heard recommended ten thousand times, and have in the past tried to do or fooled myself into thinking I was doing, but with a secret underlying weight control hope as a motivator for the activity even when I tried to convince myself it was for health. It's completely different to actually have the mindset change happen for real, and I think the necessary antecedent to that is giving up the sense of urgency/panic about weight loss as a necessary goal in order to feel valuable as a person.
• My new Fitbit (the Charge 3) has shipped and should arrive on Friday according to the tracker. I am excited, because gadgets.
• D left this morning for a business trip down to Texas and I miss him and look forward to Friday when he gets back.
• I didn't get to bed at a good time last night, and then slept very poorly, so I was exhausted and needed a short nap this afternoon. I would really benefit from focusing a little more on getting quality sleep, so after this post I am going to bed.
• L bought some fresh shrimp from a fisherwoman who has a booth down at the Boston Public Market and holy crap, they are amazing. Probably the best shrimp I've ever had? L made a shrimp and spinach pasta and ugggh so good.

Night!