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Echo level up: Routine I


Echoceanic

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Happy 10th challenge to me! Well I think I figured out how I'm gonna do this one.

 

I am doing fine on the 'work your ass off' front even if it doesn't feel like that at times (cause it never does for me) so it's time to focus on only the things I'm weak in. Which is the fact that I am still carrying a ball of stress that prevents her form liking life as much as I want to. 

Usually this would be the place where I go all ham and include everything. But I am sticking to the things that can snowball into other good things.

 

A such I am using this thread to remind myself I am doing okay and I don't need to stress and to focus on that is important. Other goals will come after.

 

Sleep and mornings

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This has been a problem for me for a long time, and it's usually a big source of stress, because I feel like if I can't do one simple thing, then how is my day going to go? I acknowledge this is a shitty way to think. So:

 

  1. No alarm in the morning, I will wake up when I wake up. At the very least till the end of October. Let's see what happens. Exceptions are if I need to do something time sensitive (catch the bus, go adult something). Hopefully this will have the additional benefit of having me reset my feeling about the alarm and getting up after I wake up.
  2. Logging off early. I am thinking 10pm again, that seemed to work okay (not going to be on the dot, but around this) since I get a visual cue for this. It will prevent me from staying up even when I'm sleepy, and generally makes me go to bed earlier - might also cause me to read more. And it tackles the no screen before bed issue because I keep my phone app-light. Along with the one no tech day I'll be doing well on this front.

 

I might be adding another one later on, in regards to mornings, but I can't formulate it yet, and I might not bother, because I have been known to rush things. I know I want to not turn on tech right away in the morning (I tend to turn the TV on for noise and wind up not really thinking or relaxing), but also tech varies for me, because today I did use the phone but not in a way that made me blank out, so we'll see.

 

Exercise / Physical Activity

So the schedule thing seems to just make me cranky, especially when I don't do anything for it. I'm going back to counting everything I do in this - dance, walk, run, etc. My rush to get on a schedule wrecked this.

Also, yoga and meditation for hell's sake, you know it will help, it's just a matter of you getting of your ass and doing it. 

This not only helps because it makes me feel better physically and mentally, but also I happen to like getting stronger and the current lack of exercise is making me feel like a weak noodle again and that adds stress.

 

Mental - release.

General mental goal. About letting things go. Even when I don't think about things I am thinking about then. The mini-challenge is going to help. But I also need to learn not to overthink things, which is hard when you're doing it subconsciously. And since my life is made up of small goals it's a break-less string of stress, of me focusing on it no matter what. Breathe, let go, but don't bury.

 

Because there is still not a way for me to actually tackle this any other way besides on my own, with support from places like this and my family, this will have to do.

 

All of this will be done while living my life in general. Mostly comprised, at this point, from obligations that keep me busy while also not keeping me busy, because when I am at my best I can finish them incredibly fast. So, let's see how I do.

 

 

 

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Along for the ride! 

 

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GET UP WHEN YOU WAKE UP is a tough one of mine too ugh.... laying in bed daydreaming is too cozy, especially when it's cold. ;_;  Here to watch you WRANGLE THAT ROUTINE!!

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i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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3 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Along for the ride! 

 

 

2 hours ago, shaar said:

GET UP WHEN YOU WAKE UP is a tough one of mine too ugh.... laying in bed daydreaming is too cozy, especially when it's cold. ;_;  Here to watch you WRANGLE THAT ROUTINE!!

 

Thanks for being here guys.

 

And oh yeah it's so hard, morning me is such a deluded dick, cause she thinks she'll feel nice after the bed but no we never do.

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Update: I was so tired today.

 

Shark week is weird this time, not much pain, just emotions and fatigue, today I just wanted to sleep, so I did.  9 am wake up along with a long nap. It happens when I go to bed at 2am cause reading. So, off to a great start. But it's fine, usually the first day to a new decision I do everything right too easily but then everything crashes down so hey this time might be different. 

I did make myself do some adulting and I want force myself to do the exercise too cause come one, it's twice a week, I am embarrassing myself at this point really. 

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Update:

 

So...

 

giphy.gif

 

I have no idea what is happening to me. You'll notice the strikethrough on the goals above.

 

Part of this weird thing is just that this week has been crappy for exactly the goal I wanted to tackle this month (wake up at - 9:30 12:00 and 5:30 with naps) and it is making me feel like I am not going to figure this out ever. Removed my alarm for the rest of the week and we'll see how i wake up without it. Today the one reason I woke up that early was that I woke up to go pee, and realised I was too awake to go back to sleep but wound up going back to bed at 7:30 for 5 hours. So yes, annoying.

 

I haven't exercised either. This part seems ridiculous to me because I am avoiding a thing I like doing and makes me feel better but I will forget about it and not do it, and remember at like 9 pm.

 

But all in all, even if I am maintaining a positive attitude most of the time, I feel like I keep saying I need to get my shit together (for real I read my journal and that is true) but I keep coming up against this wall of not actually feeling well even when I do. I don't feel accomplished or pleased no matter the day I've had, even the days where I do a lot of work. Yes there are some good ones mixed in, but mostly it's me feeling tired and like I'm not doing enough and it is annoying the crap out of me. It is not tinged with anxiety (not this time) and I'm not even trying to give up because I feel like I don't know how, but I am tired of feeling tired. 

I miss being pleased with how I do, I miss feeling like I actually do things that matter. I haven't even done anything about the exams. I did hit my writing goal and that seems to be the easiest thing for me to do right now and the one thing I am most excited about even if it's not a lot. I get asked "how are you" on a daily basis by someone that actually cares and I have been saying "I don't know" a lot more than I think I should be. And I really don't know. And next month I am getting back on the freelance horse which is just another obligation, another weight and I am not sure if I can handle it. 

 

Dammit I hate when I have to write something this negative. 

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"Difficult for myself? Agent... I was born difficult for myself." - Clint Barton

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Okay, this morning is bringing a calmer me. It's surprising how fast things can change huh? Emotions just whizz past.

 

giphy.gif?cid=3640f6095bc998366441395767

 

Some talking and some getting your mind off it, and while I'm not all good, I no longer feel the heaviness of yesterday. I am aware of it, but not swamped by it. My mind is on a mission to figure out how to make everything better and that is of course what I am best at. Planning figuring out what I need to do. 

I am not closing my eyes to the progress I've made, I didn't think I was a piece of shit even once yesterday and I actually communicated with people without feeling like I needed pliers to remove the words from me.

I am getting better at being the Batman instead of the robin, basically:

 

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Thinking about the goal I have - it's pretty broad, a version of the adult I want to be, with both vague and specific things in it. I have no idea if this is healthy. It might not be if I am waiting to be a thing that I might not ever be. And expectations cause stress. I feel like I'm my own overbearing parent at times.

 

So, let's see what happens these days. 

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Week Zero:

 

Since tomorrow I will be having a no computer day I will be updating today. Nothing much to update, I am doing okay, this week was a bit of a roller-coaster. So I am not going to bore, you, suffice to say I am better. I know when the exam will be so I need to study.

 

Yesterday I ended the day laughing, today we managed to clean the closet of shoes and now I'm sitting here, intent on either gaming or watching something, but without submerging myself in it too much. 

 

I read an article about self-care on this site I sometimes browse when I'm bored (link) and the thing that struck me the most was a paragraph:

 

"This terminology has historically been a prescription for patients to take ownership over their health and recovery, whether that be learning to properly dress a healing wound or, in the case of many of Annie’s clients, activities like “following through on your commitments, pulling yourself off the couch and showering even if you don’t want to, or setting boundaries with family members.” When Annie’s list of self-care action items is contrasted with the social media version, it’s easy to spot the difference. One is centered on setting goals and boundaries for one’s self improvement, while the other is rooted in self-indulgence, often the kind the costs money. Self-care 2.0: Capitalism take the wheel."

 

I have never thought of self-care as, like the article says “a girl on Instagram in a bubble bath with a glass of wine” but that is most likely because I don't spend a lot of time on that site. I have not however thought of the things here as it either, and it seems like a calmer approach than we viewing it as the stepping stone to the version of myself that does this easily.

 

Of course it's easy to be calm now. The days after a storm are the brightest for me but I need to keep at it. There will be no time when I stop, or when there isn't a new goal to accomplish or when I am not striving towards something because that is life. There will always be another book to write, another test to take another thing to make, another exercise. And that is great, I am never done. Yes some things will eventually become easier but just like me not making my bed 3 days in a row doesn't mean I am going to slide back into slob territory, other things are not that critical either. 

 

So, yeah, see ya Monday!

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On 10/18/2018 at 1:49 PM, Echoceanic said:

Dammit I hate when I have to write something this negative. 

I'm not saying one way or another because I am not qualified and don't know enough so I'm only stating based on what you wrote and my own experiences with these issues but it sounds like you might be depressed. It might just be a shitty week but it might be worth talking to someone if you can. 

 

4 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

Self-care 2.0: Capitalism take the wheel."

This is sort of a pet peeve of mine. When self care becomes 'spend money on myself' or 'indulge myself' it seems to fly in the face of the 'care' part of the statement. I think self indulgence, in moderation is an important element in overall wellbeing but that it isn't what we should default to when considering self care. 

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43 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

I'm not saying one way or another because I am not qualified and don't know enough so I'm only stating based on what you wrote and my own experiences with these issues but it sounds like you might be depressed. It might just be a shitty week but it might be worth talking to someone if you can. 

 

Unfortunately I am still in the 'can't talk to a professional' boat on that on so I am on my own. I did talk to a few people though to make sure I wasn't bottling anything up There is definitely something going on cause I've been here before. It isn't nearly as bad as it was though and I at the very least still have hope and am not even thinking about giving up so I am taking it as a good thing. The more I am working on improving the shorter these desperate days become.

 

51 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

When self care becomes 'spend money on myself' or 'indulge myself' it seems to fly in the face of the 'care' part of the statement. I think self indulgence, in moderation is an important element in overall wellbeing but that it isn't what we should default to when considering self care. 

 

When I usually think of self-care I think 'rest'. I agree that indulging has become a bit synonymous with it, to the detriment of self-care. I guess you could say self-indulgence and self-care a a Venn diagram - they can intersect but don't have to. Indulgence doesn't always help.

 

The change of the definition had two reactions - one I realised I sped more time on it than I thought I did (the planner and the trackers would fall under the umbrella) and two it casts these actions in a different light, that makes me pay attention to them more. 

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I read a really interesting post on someone's thread a couple months ago about self care. It was along the lines of tackling the real problems rather than just lounging around in a bubble bath (sort of slapping a band-aid on the problem). I wish I remember who posted it.

 

What is your next exam milestone? Do you have to sign up for it? Is it already scheduled. You did really well last time, so it seems like it would be good to keep some momentum if you can.

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11 hours ago, Xena said:

What is your next exam milestone? Do you have to sign up for it? Is it already scheduled. You did really well last time, so it seems like it would be good to keep some momentum if you can.

 

I have one a month so far (I can sign up for up to three exams a month) and it's scheduled for this Thursday so I am currently planning on spending my energy today on that cause I have three days to go from 'I kinda know some of this' to 'passable'.  I am not counting on an A cause this professor is stricter but it would be nice to have it. 

 

Finding and tackling the source of the problem is both very hard but also very rewarding in the end I feel.

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On 10/20/2018 at 9:33 PM, Echoceanic said:

 

When I usually think of self-care I think 'rest'.

Most recently it's become actively letting go of stress for me. Not as simple as simply taking a bubble bath because it often requires activity solving the problem that is causing the stress but it can also involve simply taking time to relax and unwind. Taking time to manage stress has vastly improved my life. 

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2019 Roadmap

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" Always aim for something stupidly crazy." - Charlie Quinn

2019 Races: Cliveden MTR 06/01 | Nuts Challenge 02/03 | Reading Half Marathon 17/03 | W.A.R 27/04 | RRDW 11/05 | Nuclear Oblivion 19/05 | Man vs Lakes 20/07 | Spartan Trifecta Weekend 05-06/10 | OCRWC 11-13/10

 

Current Challenge: First Steps

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On 10/19/2018 at 5:06 AM, Echoceanic said:

 It's surprising how fast things can change huh? Emotions just whizz past.

 

Isn't it though??  This is a Real Feel right here... phew.  Brains, why you do??

 

On 10/22/2018 at 8:08 AM, Echoceanic said:

Finding and tackling the source of the problem is both very hard but also very rewarding in the end I feel.

 

Same!  Sometimes the problem is like an onion, layers and layers and kinda smelly blech.

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i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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On 10/23/2018 at 5:31 PM, shaar said:

Isn't it though??  This is a Real Feel right here... phew.  Brains, why you do??

 

 

And oddly enough my knee-jerk reaction to this is to dismiss the emotion because if it passed that fast it must have not been a thing. Which is weird.

 

On 10/23/2018 at 5:22 PM, jonfirestar said:

Most recently it's become actively letting go of stress for me. Not as simple as simply taking a bubble bath because it often requires activity solving the problem that is causing the stress but it can also involve simply taking time to relax and unwind. Taking time to manage stress has vastly improved my life. 

 

Yeah I have a habit of holding on to stress too. It is hard work to not do it.

 

On 10/23/2018 at 1:46 AM, Xena said:

Great that you have the exam scheduled. I think it will give you a boost to check that off your list.

 

 

It always does. I am a completionist by nature. It is a thing that makes me so stressed, but also really empowering and amazing when it goes well. 

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Update - I think I did pretty well:

 

Two days this week I did the responsible, healthy thing and didn't turn on the PC in order to study. It went pretty well, though this week they were the only days I hit the 'turn off computer at 10 pm', the closest being 10:30. I am going to work on this, because I, unsurprisingly go to bed earlier when I do that. But I am not going to let it make me feel like a failure.

 

The other thing I have done is exercise more, making it a more of a priority:

  • Saturday - mediation 20 min
  • Sunday - run - 2,35 km in 21:03 min (but a part of it wasn't recorder, so maybe 2,5), and my pace was a bit better this time around
  • Monday - yoga video that was supposed to help DOMS but didn't - cause it was stretching for upper body and balance for lower one when it was supposed to be stretching too
  • Tuesday - yoga video that did help the leg DOMS + upper body (2 kg weights) bicep curls 15 X 3 tricep extensions 15 X 3 chest press 20 X 3 chest fly 20 X 3 (DOMS eve today)
  • Wednesday - meditate 20 min

Hoping today I do similarly well - it's amazing how much it helps. I am not good at meditation yet - the first time I looked at the timer 4 times so it was an improvement from before, the second time I couldn't make my brain shut the heck up. On the exercise front - well, I do want to be stronger. 

 

Exam - I passed... ish? I need to go again Monday but I didn't fail. It was mostly just because of the Latin names (anatomy exam), there are so many of them. I am taking it as a good thing because I didn't fail and I can show I am a good student (because I have another exam from the same teacher). 

 

Sunday I did all of the things (it was another no computer day) but I know that I am not that able to do all of that every day. But I liked it so I will make it happen more, but not bully myself into it, that is the big one.

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Exercise is such a huge help, but for me a lot of times, it's getting the discipline to actually go do it.... u g h.  Meditation is tough too, with lizard brain chattering away in the background, like PLEASE STOP JUST FOR A BIT.....??

 

A pass is a pass and that is a v. good thing, congrats!!! ^_____^

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i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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1 hour ago, shaar said:

A pass is a pass and that is a v. good thing, congrats!!! ^_____^

 

I still need to actually get the pass Monday but she asked me about the next exam and the book, so unless I am utterly stupid and don't even open the book all weekend, I will pass. 

 

1 hour ago, shaar said:

Meditation is tough too, with lizard brain chattering away in the background, like PLEASE STOP JUST FOR A BIT.....??

 

Just twenty minutes of something along the lines of: 

"Breathe in and out, wait is that a thought? Oh shit let it go, wait how do you even let go of a thought, do I just let it run on until it stops? What was that post that told me how, oh wait it was from Tank, oh right we have meal-prepped pork in the fridge, that reminds me I should make a salad or the cabbage will rot... wait what I was doing?"

 

Yes, discipline is haaard. I need to actually get off my ass when I think "I need to exercise".

 

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

Looks like a good start to the challenge!

 

I keep forgetting that week one is official challenge start :D 

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1 minute ago, Salinger said:

Good job Echo, keep pushing forward, and learning about yourself. Interesting about self care, hmmmmm. Need to think about this. Anyway. Im here, sorry im late to joining you <3 xx

 

Glad you made it, the time doesn't matter, your company does :D 

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1 hour ago, Echoceanic said:

 

"Breathe in and out, wait is that a thought? Oh shit let it go, wait how do you even let go of a thought, do I just let it run on until it stops? What was that post that told me how, oh wait it was from Tank, oh right we have meal-prepped pork in the fridge, that reminds me I should make a salad or the cabbage will rot... wait what I was doing?"

 

 

Oh my gosh this is TOO REAL.

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i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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On 10/25/2018 at 1:25 PM, Echoceanic said:

I still need to actually get the pass Monday but she asked me about the next exam and the book, so unless I am utterly stupid and don't even open the book all weekend, I will pass.

 

Absolutely. Will be so good to have that done.

 

On 10/25/2018 at 1:25 PM, Echoceanic said:

"Breathe in and out, wait is that a thought? Oh shit let it go, wait how do you even let go of a thought, do I just let it run on until it stops? What was that post that told me how, oh wait it was from Tank, oh right we have meal-prepped pork in the fridge, that reminds me I should make a salad or the cabbage will rot... wait what I was doing?"

 

I think the act of trying to quiet the mind is more important than the "success". Let it chatter, that's ok. Sit back and watch it.

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Xena, Level 14+ Valkyrie Ranger

January 2017  December 2016

Oct/Nov 2016

 

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Week One:

 

You guys I did so much this week.

 

SelfreliantFoolhardyIguanodon-small.gif

 

The motivation thing lasted a lot longer this week, only petered off yesterday, when I half-reverted to my 'do nothing but stare blankly at some words' mode, but this morning I managed to get up with determination so yay! Well, after an hour of I don't wanna.

 

With 3 made it days and two half-made it days on the 'turn off computer' goal (even if some of those involve me not turning it on in the first place) I'm doing better this time around.

 

I have exercised all but two days this week, and only one of those was unplanned which is a huge leap. Today I even went for a run even if I didn't feel like it - 2km approximately. I felt tired so I didn't make it more than a 12 minute run really. But I did it.

 

I also spent most of the day dying someone blond for the very first time in my life and it turned out great so yeah. :D 

 

Gonna be really careful to make sure this continues. Tomorrow I have the exam trip where I hopefully pass, and since it's in the afternoon and the rest of the day will be spend studying, when I come hope I plan on doing nothing. Actually nothing. So that will be relaxing.

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"... However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." -  Stanley Kubrick

"Difficult for myself? Agent... I was born difficult for myself." - Clint Barton

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