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Ensi: Identity 2.0


Ensi

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Hi everyone, and welcome to my challenge! This challenge will be about me, ya girl Ensi, crafting a new identity for myself. Those of you, who have followed me for a longer time, probably know that I've had a lot of changes during the past couple of years. I notice that I am stuck with old beliefs that I have about myself, and those beliefs take a lot of time and energy I could use better. I have reached a better understanding of myself during these past couple of years, and now I wish to form a new identity with the help of everything I've learned.

 

I have a lot going on in my life, so I'm not gonna have goals, per say, but I will have topics of journaling. As in, I will journal about 1) crafting my new identity, 2) intuitive eating and 3) my studies and professional goals. There will certainly be some goals that are related to these topics, but I'm not here to form habits. My daily habits are healthy, but I keep messing myself up, because I keep trying to please people and I struggle with feelings of worthlessness. Forming a new identity (figuring out my values and goals as a human being) would help me to chill and distribute the f**ks I give so that I don't spend too much energy on meaningless BS. Ya feel?

 

The season is changing from summer to autumn, so it's a wonderful time to do some changes. Let's have a good challenge, everyone! :)

 

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You've been reading Steve's last blog too I see ;)

Love the goals and your new avatar <4 

 

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Doodlie for life, Pancake by choice
Spoiler

 

Challenge 12, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

Challenges 2017: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Challenges 2018: 29, 30, 31, 32, 3334, 35,

Challenges 2019: 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

 

Challenges 2020: 41, 42, 43, 44, 45

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8 hours ago, Arkania said:

Of course following :)

 

Welcome! Great to have you here :)

 

8 hours ago, Terah said:

You've been reading Steve's last blog too I see ;)

Love the goals and your new avatar <4 

 

 

Haha, I read the article after you mentioned it in your challenge :D I've actually thought about similar things during the past few days (after the rest day), and I realize that I've grown different, and the goals I've had no longer serve me well. Time to have a makeover! And thanks, I drew it myself :) I'll make it a bit neater later on (the background colour is kinda dark), but I just wanted a new avatar asap to embrace/celebrate the change ;)

 

3 hours ago, Jupiter said:

Nice goals!

 

Thanks! And welcome :)

 

**

 

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And here starts the new challenge! I'm currently still feeling a bit under the weather. I took last week off from exercise, but I worked and studied a lot. I took a total day off on Wednesday, though, and that gave me some mental space to think about what works in my everyday life and what doesn't.

 

Identity crafting:

 

  • I wish to strengthen the identity of an artist. To be able to say, "I am an artist", without self-doubt about being good enough. Embracing the identity could also help me see that dedicating time to my craft is important, and not secondary to everything else I'm doing. I've spent years prioritizing everything else before my art, but now I could actually have it another way around.
  • I want to strengthen the identity of an intellectual (or just plain nerd haha). I want to be someone who values their studies, and looks for possibilities to learn new things. Evelyn O'Connell from the Mummy movies was a huge inspiration to me when I was a kid, so I'm gonna channel my inner Evy while I'm crafting my new self!
  • I want to be someone who's brave enough to push themselves out of their comfort zone every now and then. They can be just very small steps, as long as I'm pushing myself towards my fears. I want to acknowledge that it's not dangerous to go towards one's fears, but it might be scary. In this sense, I'm gonna be like a hobbit: I don't need to be the biggest and strongest person in the world to do things.
  • I want to be someone who's kind, and looks for solutions instead of pointing fingers. I enjoy spending time with people who are kind and encouraging, so that's who I want to be, too.

 

There are also things I wish to drop from my new identity, such as "shoulds" around dieting and exercise. I also wish to create better boundaries, and not let other people tell me how to live my life anymore. My previous identity has been built out of fear and worthlessness, and I want my new one to be built on my dreams, goals, skills and strengths :) I believe it can be done!

 

Intuitive eating: I've been craving sweets, and I've had sweets :D I am gonna take it easier with exercise now and do more relaxation practices while I get used to my new identity: I'm someone who exercises enough to stay healthy, but not so much that it disturbs my hunger signals or drives my body in a state of stress. I'm also no longer sure if being "ripped" is what I want. I want to look normal, and what's most important for me is that my body is healthy and functional. That's more important to me than doing two strength training workouts a week or what-have-you.

 

Studies and professional goals: I've been studying math, and I feel quite confident about the exam I have on Wednesday :) I know my weaknesses, and I try to be extra careful during the exam. I'm gonna make a study schedule for a couple of other exams I have coming up, and also keep working with the game graphics. I'm collecting all the art I'm currently doing, and I will create a website later in the future. I never heard back from the company, but I'm actually happy to have time to figure myself out more now.

 

Time to get to work ;) Have a lovely Monday, everyone!

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Following!!!

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These are all great goals! I love that you're not just listing what you want to do but who you want to be.

 

19 hours ago, Ensi said:

I wish to strengthen the identity of an artist. To be able to say, "I am an artist", without self-doubt about being good enough. Embracing the identity could also help me see that dedicating time to my craft is important, and not secondary to everything else I'm doing. I've spent years prioritizing everything else before my art, but now I could actually have it another way around.

 

That's awesome that you're an artist! What kind of projects do you do? Can we see some of your work?

 

I definitely struggle with this as a writer, so you're not alone! It's still hard to shift my mindset into thinking that writing is a priority for me and it's important. I keep having to tell myself, "I'm a writer, this is what I do, so I need to make time for it and not let it get steamrolled by other things" LOL.

 

 

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17 hours ago, Tobbe said:

I like your eating and workout goals! Plate Weight Lifting

 

Following your thread! :) 

 

Welcome :) The goals are somewhat ambiguous, but maybe that's exactly what I need in this time of identity crafting... I need to see what I like and what I don't, you know? :D

 

10 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Following!!!

 

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4 hours ago, Jupiter said:

These are all great goals! I love that you're not just listing what you want to do but who you want to be.

 

 

That's awesome that you're an artist! What kind of projects do you do? Can we see some of your work?

 

I definitely struggle with this as a writer, so you're not alone! It's still hard to shift my mindset into thinking that writing is a priority for me and it's important. I keep having to tell myself, "I'm a writer, this is what I do, so I need to make time for it and not let it get steamrolled by other things" LOL.

 

 

 

Yup, I don't need a new workout or diet plan right now, I need a new "me" :D Everything else will follow, because I know I want to eat healthy and exercise naturally.

 

Oooh lovely to meet another artist! I love drawing and painting, and I've created some comics in the past. Currently, I'm working on learning pixel art and making game graphics (I study interaction design and computer science), here are a couple of examples:

 

Spoiler

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... this is just a very simple animation to get to know Photoshop's animation timeline :'D But I drew the pig myself, though (there were some pigs like that in a local part this summer, that's why it's grey).

 

And here's another practice I did. I'm really uncertain when picking colours for my work, but I'm happy with how this turned out:

 

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Pixel art is the newest technique I'm learning, but I have years of experience in traditional styles, and I've done a fair amount of painting in Photoshop. I guess I could make my Instagram account anonymous (that's where all my work is) so that I could show it online more freely :D You're revising your novel now, right? What is it about? I used to study creative writing, it was really lovely, but novels and short stories aren't really my medium :D

 

**

 

Identity crafting: I've been a bit tired mentally, so I've taken some time to figure out how to take care of myself. I shut down electronics at 8:30 PM last night to spend some time offline. I started cleaning up the apartment for a while, and organized my desk so that I now have a clean working space :) I'm gonna work on the game graphics today, because I am an artist, and I need time and space to work on my craft. It's important that I take time to practice. I am also allowed to put the social media away and stay away from other distractions, because I need space to concentrate. (Huh, this writing session turned into an affirmation! nice) I might also treat myself to a nice cup of coffee in my favourite coffee house today :) Right now as I'm typing this, staying home and focusing on my art feels right. So, that's what I'm gonna do!

 

Intuitive eating: I have now managed to give myself permission to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I guess the identity shift is working: I am now someone who eats and exercises normally. I need to find my own way of doing exercise, because I think I've given my fitness identity way too much space in my head: I work out too hard without any regard to what I might actually need. My goal is to be balanced and healthy. I signed for a free trial at YagoGlo, and I've already done a couple of yin yoga practices. I'm gonna embrace my Druid tendencies like @Terah :D I wish to find a sustainable way to exercise, something that feels right and natural to me. Now that I'm crafting a new identity, I'm gonna explore and have fun! I'd love to try pilates, too...

 

Studies and professional goals: I notice that some anxious thoughts have risen, lately: "I should do more, I should figure out everything right now", etc. I've done my best to calm myself down by reminding myself that I am financially safe, I have time to figure things out, and that I am doing enough. I know that those thoughts are caused by mental fatigue, and they don't reflect reality. I remind myself to cherish everything I currently have, and I thought about how the things I have, and how much I would want them if I didn't have them (my apartment, for one!). I'm feeling better already, and now that I have cleaned up my desk, I'm happy to start working! It should be rainy and stormy today, so I'm glad to stay home :D Have a lovely Tuesday, everyone!

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6 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

  Hide contents

 

**

 

Identity crafting: I've been a bit tired mentally, so I've taken some time to figure out how to take care of myself. I shut down electronics at 8:30 PM last night to spend some time offline. I started cleaning up the apartment for a while, and organized my desk so that I now have a clean working space :) I'm gonna work on the game graphics today, because I am an artist, and I need time and space to work on my craft. It's important that I take time to practice. I am also allowed to put the social media away and stay away from other distractions, because I need space to concentrate. (Huh, this writing session turned into an affirmation! nice) I might also treat myself to a nice cup of coffee in my favourite coffee house today :) Right now as I'm typing this, staying home and focusing on my art feels right. So, that's what I'm gonna do!

 

Intuitive eating: I have now managed to give myself permission to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I guess the identity shift is working: I am now someone who eats and exercises normally. I need to find my own way of doing exercise, because I think I've given my fitness identity way too much space in my head: I work out too hard without any regard to what I might actually need. My goal is to be balanced and healthy. I signed for a free trial at YagoGlo, and I've already done a couple of yin yoga practices. I'm gonna embrace my Druid tendencies like @Terah :D I wish to find a sustainable way to exercise, something that feels right and natural to me. Now that I'm crafting a new identity, I'm gonna explore and have fun! I'd love to try pilates, too...

 

Studies and professional goals: I notice that some anxious thoughts have risen, lately: "I should do more, I should figure out everything right now", etc. I've done my best to calm myself down by reminding myself that I am financially safe, I have time to figure things out, and that I am doing enough. I know that those thoughts are caused by mental fatigue, and they don't reflect reality. I remind myself to cherish everything I currently have, and I thought about how the things I have, and how much I would want them if I didn't have them (my apartment, for one!). I'm feeling better already, and now that I have cleaned up my desk, I'm happy to start working! It should be rainy and stormy today, so I'm glad to stay home :D Have a lovely Tuesday, everyone!

 

I could have written all this. :D:wub:

(Ok, I am still struggling with IE)

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9 hours ago, Ensi said:

I'm gonna embrace my Druid tendencies like @Terah 

Yes! Lets be Druidy together :D 

 

9 hours ago, Ensi said:

have fun

Which is absolutely the most important part

 

9 hours ago, Ensi said:

I notice that some anxious thoughts have risen, lately: "I should do more, I should figure out everything right now", etc

The yogi mantra helps me with those feelings:

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Spoiler

 

Challenge 12, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 

Challenges 2017: 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Challenges 2018: 29, 30, 31, 32, 3334, 35,

Challenges 2019: 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

 

Challenges 2020: 41, 42, 43, 44, 45

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17 hours ago, Ensi said:

Yup, I don't need a new workout or diet plan right now, I need a new "me" :D Everything else will follow, because I know I want to eat healthy and exercise naturally.

 

Oooh lovely to meet another artist! I love drawing and painting, and I've created some comics in the past. Currently, I'm working on learning pixel art and making game graphics (I study interaction design and computer science), here are a couple of examples:

 

 

Wow, those are neat!

 

17 hours ago, Ensi said:

Pixel art is the newest technique I'm learning, but I have years of experience in traditional styles, and I've done a fair amount of painting in Photoshop. I guess I could make my Instagram account anonymous (that's where all my work is) so that I could show it online more freely :D You're revising your novel now, right? What is it about? I used to study creative writing, it was really lovely, but novels and short stories aren't really my medium :D

 

Yeah that'd be awesome! I'd love to see more. :) 

 

Yup, I'm revising an urban fantasy novel, so my brain will basically revolve around witches, shapeshifters and vampires for at least the next month or two. :) 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

Great painting! I'd love to play a game with graphics like that :) 

 

Thanks! Wasn't thinking about making a game out of it, but now that you said it, I might think about something :D

 

15 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

I could have written all this. :D:wub:

(Ok, I am still struggling with IE)

 

Hmm, intuitive eating has started working a lot better now that I've taken some pressure off of myself. Like, I don't demand myself to use more energy than necessary (a certain amount of exercise, for example). I'm now learning how to balance myself and schedule my studies so that I don't strain myself too much, which I have totally been doing during the past few weeks :D Like, I've had this perfect idea of myself that I've tried hard to strive towards, but now I'm thinking that maybe I could be something else. That's what this identity shifting thing is all about: learning to listen to myself better. I feel like I'm headed towards the right direction :)

 

13 hours ago, Terah said:

Yes! Lets be Druidy together :D 

 

Which is absolutely the most important part

 

The yogi mantra helps me with those feelings:

0b0fee6749674369f0786b21fa6214ac.jpg

 

That's a really lovely mantra! Gotta remember it :)

 

10 hours ago, Sunmage said:

Welcome to the druids :)

 

 

Have fun here.

Steve has some great articles for sure!

 

Thanks! :) I've been a Druid before, but I keep hopping back and forth between here and the Assassins :D But I'm gonna stay here for at least a couple of challenges!

 

4 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

Wow, those are neat!

 

 

Yeah that'd be awesome! I'd love to see more. :) 

 

Yup, I'm revising an urban fantasy novel, so my brain will basically revolve around witches, shapeshifters and vampires for at least the next month or two. :) 

 

 

 

Thanks! I might pass my IG account via PM to those I trust not to reveal my super secret identity lol, because it would help me stay anonymous here :D Oooh I love all sorts of fantasy stories, especially with witches and vampires! I actually have an idea for a comic book that I'm thinking of writing, maybe (basically, two vampires find a person with their favourite but rare blood type, but the person is depressed and their blood doesn't taste that good. The vampires decide to help the person heal in order to get better tasting blood. It would basically be a story with a lot of dark comedy, but also a story about what depression is and what it isn't. I might start writing it down...)

 

**

 

Identity crafting: well, something must be going on in my brain, because I've had nightmares during the past two nights, where someone or something wants to kill me O__o I've also had some really anxious thoughts, but I can recognize them for what they are. These don't really make my days any worse, but I'm gonna work on making myself feel safe, and get enough rest. Despite these things, I think my new identity is allowing me to get more rest and focus on things I find important. So far, so good :) I'm a bit bummed that I haven't seen Kyle in a long time, but I'm not gonna push the matter too hard. I know from past experiences that it's best not to worry about these sorts of things. The best thing I can do is to focus on myself and my own well-being. I have enough, I do enough, I am enough :)

 

Intuitive eating and exercise: I was called to work yesterday, and I worked nonstop from 10 AM to 2 PM. Lunch was therefore postponed, which lead to some cravings in the evening. I also need to make some plans for meal prepping, because I currently feel like I run out of food constantly and that I have no proper meals in the fridge... I need to think about it. I also finally tried pilates! I started with a beginner class on YogaGlo, and I'm learning the basics. I've wanted to try it out a long time, and I really liked it! The beginner course is 6 videos long, and I'm gonna complete them in the next two weeks. It's nice to try new things...!

 

Studies and professional goals: I'm learning to schedule my studies, and even my art. I haven't put proper limitations to my working time, which leads to me just postponing the work, and then I'm stuck waiting for inspiration to hit me - I haven't needed to schedule art in years, so it took me some time to realize that I should do that haha. And, if I schedule my work, it means that I'm also scheduling enough time off. I decided yesterday to stop working at 8 PM, and so I was able to calm down before bedtime :) So, I'm gonna do some schedules today. And my math exam starts in an hour. YAYYYY!!

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4 hours ago, Ensi said:

And my math exam starts in an hour. YAYYYY!!

 

Said no one ever :D

 

4 hours ago, Ensi said:

I might pass my IG account via PM to those I trust not to reveal my super secret identity lol,

:wub: Hi, hello, how are you? :D

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5 hours ago, Sunmage said:

Good luck then :)

Looks like there's another druid in the European time zone :)

 

 

Thanks! :D Yup, I'm UTC +3 hours, currently!

 

2 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

Said no one ever :D

 

 

2 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

"And my math exam starts in an hour. Which means I'll soon finally be done with this crap! Yayyyy!"

^^  There, fixed it for you :D :P 

 

:P I actually like math! Problem solving at its purest...! The exam went alright :) I'm sure there were some mistakes that I wasn't sure about, but I'm happy with how I noticed a couple of small mistakes I almost did, and solved a couple of bigger problems. Now we'll just wait for the results!

 

2 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

:wub: Hi, hello, how are you? :D

 

I'll PM you :)

 

**

 

A I said, the exam is now over! I feel under the weather, though :/ It's like I could have fever... I'm gonna rest, rest, rest. During the exam, I had received two notifications: A Quiet Place was waiting for me in the library (I reserved the DVD last spring, the queue was long!!), and a package from Mom had arrived and could be picked up from a nearby post office. On my way to the library, I had salmon soup in a diner (yum!!), and then went to borrow the movie. I then took the buss to the store, got Mom's package, and now I'm resting at home :) I'll have dinner with my friend a bit later, though.

 

Despite the nightmares and some anxious thoughts, the world has felt extra friendly today. Like, I can't explain it, but it's just been a friendly day O__o I hope it keeps going!

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7 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

 

UTC +3? Where are you? Russia?

 

Finland! We're in summer time, which is +3 hours UTC. I think we go to winter time this month, and we'll be +2 hours then.

 

6 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

 

Perfect time to watch a movie in other words! :) 

 

And congrats on the exam feeling good Thumbs Up

 

True! I'm watching The Mummy on Netflix, though, because my friend wants to watch A Quiet Place with me later on. I love The Mummy :D I don't care that some regard it as dumb, because it has wonderful characters, I love the romantic subplot (like, truly! It advances really naturally, and in the sequel, Rick and Evy have been married for ten years, and they still have a loving, supporting relationship. I LOVE IT OK), Evy is a funny female character, who's relevant to the plot and actively carries it along (WOW) WITHOUT having a "I'M A STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER, HYAH!!" moment, the movie has many really funny jokes...! I just love it. Watching it makes me happy :D

 

And thanks! I felt like Peter Parker in this video (link goes to Tumblr) a lot, but hey... It went fine :D

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2 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

Now I'm confused... "The Mummy" is from 2017. "The Mummy Returns" is from 2001.... So which one is the sequel? Which one do I watch first? :D 

 

Oh my god, NOOO not the 2017 one with Tom Cruise! I didn't even see it :D I mean the one from 1999 with Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz! Sorry, I should have mentioned it in my post - I was talking about the movie with my friends a bit earlier, so I forgot to clear that there are, indeed, quite a few movies titled The Mummy... But yeah, the one from 1999. Love it! And The Mummy Returns is the sequel to it :) Even dumber, maybe, but really entertaining!

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