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Ensi: Identity 2.0


Ensi

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19 hours ago, Terah said:

This is so necessary sometimes! Introvert pampering night for the win :D

 

Also a virtual hug from me:

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Yup, I'm glad to have spent tonight pretty much by myself! I called Mom, though, and couldn't quite explain what I'm feeling right now. I don't know :D Thank you for the hug! I've gotten a lot of virtual hugs today :love_heart:

 

17 hours ago, Arkania said:

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**

 

It is Friday morning! Sleep was OK, and the presentation is almost ready :D Still four and a half hours before I have to actually give it... I'm super nervous. Maybe not because of the presentation itself, but having to give it in front of my teachers and other students. I think that I'm gonna embarrass myself and not seem serious enough. As I'm typing this, I'm starting to see that this is not true :D I mean, sure, I can embarrass myself in some awesome way, BUT I'm not inherently bad or embarrassing. Waaaahhhh. Well, it'll be over in five hours...

 

Another thing: I'd like to learn making daily schedules better. I have been going without a schedule for a week or so, and even though I'm getting stuff done, I would feel more organized if I had a daily schedule. I've been wasting my energy on some things that don't matter lately, and I'd like to regain my balance and focus on things that matter to me: getting better at art and coding. I haven't seen Kyle in three weeks, and I realized that I've tried to visit library as often as possible to maybe see him - and that's not bad a bad thing, because I've studied there and got a ton of stuff done, but I'm again trying to get a hold of someone who's nowhere to be found, anymore. Then I cried a bit yesterday, because I thought that I'm never brave enough to tell someone about my feelings, and because I always feel like I don't quite understand how to connect with people. Or that maybe I'm doing something wrong, always trying too little or too hard. Or maybe I am connected, and can't just see it. Then again, I was feeling a bit low yesterday, so this can be just some mental fatigue...! Nevertheless, I'm gonna look at ways to level up my scheduling skills. (This was just a small vent: I like myself and value myself, but ya girl just needs to have a good cry every now and then, OK?)

 

So, after the presentation, I'm gonna come home and have a good nap, because I have a NIGHT SHIFT at the library today from 8 PM to midnight! There's a special event, and I was asked to work there. Sounds fun! Then I'm gonna have a free weekend :) I was asked to work, but I said that I couldn't come this weekend. I want to focus on myself this weekend, go for a walk in the nature, and do some art. Sounds pretty good to me ;)

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2 hours ago, Ensi said:

and because I always feel like I don't quite understand how to connect with people

 

You're not alone in this. And when people try to connect with me, I totally freak out amd have no idea what to say :p That's one of the reasons I like the forums here so much, because I have all the time in the world to come up with a reply.

 

And there is nothing wrong with a good cry now and again. It always makes me feel better just to let it out (if I don't I turn into a total bitch).

 

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8 hours ago, Ensi said:

and because I always feel like I don't quite understand how to connect with people. Or that maybe I'm doing something wrong, always trying too little or too hard. Or maybe I am connected, and can't just see it.

 

Yeah, I don't know how to make friends. Sometimes this really makes me sad. Sometimes I'm totally fine with it... Cry if you need!

But even I managed to make the one friend that really matter - my wife :love_heart: 

 

5 hours ago, Terah said:

That's one of the reasons I like the forums here so much, because I have all the time in the world to come up with a reply.

 

Totally agree with this. Making friends online is easier :) 

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6 hours ago, Terah said:

 

You're not alone in this. And when people try to connect with me, I totally freak out amd have no idea what to say :p That's one of the reasons I like the forums here so much, because I have all the time in the world to come up with a reply.

 

And there is nothing wrong with a good cry now and again. It always makes me feel better just to let it out (if I don't I turn into a total bitch).

 

 

48 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

 

Yeah, I don't know how to make friends. Sometimes this really makes me sad. Sometimes I'm totally fine with it... Cry if you need!

But even I managed to make the one friend that really matter - my wife :love_heart: 

 

 

Totally agree with this. Making friends online is easier :) 

 

Hmm. It's like, I can feel that I belong somewhere, but sooner or later I understand that, actually, I don't. In a way that I'm not quite thinking the same way with the people I'm surrounded by on some very basic level. It's gotten easier during my recovery, because I allow myself to be more open an vulnerable (and I allow others that, too), and I've learned to establish healthy boundaries. And I do connect to people pretty easily (people come and talk to me pretty easily), but there's not a deeper connection I'd love to have. I try to look at the bigger picture, though: I've spent most of my life avoiding things I truly want, and I can only hope that now that I start to spend more time with like-minded people, I can meet people, who I can feel at ease with. Currently, I find myself always making excuses and compromises for some people, and I think it means that those are not "my" people. I just don't have certain experiences, like having a romantic partner, so I don't know how it is to be in a situation like that. But  I just try to become the best version of myself, because life is here and now, and I don't really lack anything. I also feel comfortable being the way I am, so I am ready to allow myself to think that maybe it's not about me, but not meeting the right people just yet...! And I do believe that I'm gonna find that connection one day. And NF is a great place to make friends, for sure! :D I also think yesterday's low feelings was partly caused by mid-cycle hormones, because I've been a lot better today :DD

 

Well, the presentation went well, and we had a small conversation afterwards! I was happy with how many other students took part in the conversation, and all in all, it was a nice situation :) I had coffee afterwards, and went to buy myself new headphones. They have a remote control, so now I can play the next song on Spotify without having to take out the phone and clicking "next". It's like some Batman tech, y'all :DD It's almost 5:30, and my evening shift starts at 8 PM. I'm gonna rest a bit and go to library in a couple of hours, because they're serving a small evening snack for those working tonight! It's gonna be fun :D And now I'm gonna go write about something to the IE group :) Have a lovely Friday night, everyone!

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20 hours ago, Ensi said:

I haven't seen Kyle in three weeks, and I realized that I've tried to visit library as often as possible to maybe see him - and that's not bad a bad thing, because I've studied there and got a ton of stuff done, but I'm again trying to get a hold of someone who's nowhere to be found, anymore. Then I cried a bit yesterday, because I thought that I'm never brave enough to tell someone about my feelings, and because I always feel like I don't quite understand how to connect with people. Or that maybe I'm doing something wrong, always trying too little or too hard. Or maybe I am connected, and can't just see it. Then again, I was feeling a bit low yesterday, so this can be just some mental fatigue...! Nevertheless, I'm gonna look at ways to level up my scheduling skills. (This was just a small vent: I like myself and value myself, but ya girl just needs to have a good cry every now and then, OK?)

 

I'm with you there, I find it hard to connect with people. I keep trying but I always seem to miss the mark.  

 

11 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

17 hours ago, Terah said:

That's one of the reasons I like the forums here so much, because I have all the time in the world to come up with a reply.

 

Totally agree with this. Making friends online is easier :)

 

Also agree with this. :)

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4 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

I'm with you there, I find it hard to connect with people. I keep trying but I always seem to miss the mark.  

 

 

I know what you mean...! And yesterday, I discovered a couple of other things about my coworkers that made me realize that my intuition about them has been right (they're not as well as they constantly tell me - all in all, if someone keeps telling you that they're "X" [X being good, OK, etc.], they're most probably not actually "X"). And my intuition is also telling me that I want to spend more time with other students and less time studying alone in the library. So, to the unhealthy BS I've kept going on:

 

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I've been in my Witch mode lately, cherishing and cultivating, but now I'm gonna need some Pirate energy to get myself moving.

 

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It all starts with planning. The evening at work was very, very quiet, and I had time to make myself weekly schedule templates on PowerPoint. I printed out a few, so now I can easily make myself weekly schedules :) I'm just gonna mark down clear working hours so that I'm not in a constant "should I be doing something??" mode. I''m also gonna make time for creating art and doing something extra for the web application course. I don't want to stay and work in the library forever, and I need to start taking steps to developing skills that will help me get a job in IT. A portfolio is also a must, so I'm gonna take some time to get it started, and start making graphics and coding assignments.

 

I'm not saying that I've been slacking, lately, but I'm saying that the library and some people have taken more time and energy than I'd like. I'm gonna take a step away from all that, and allow myself to spend my time more wisely. I'd also like to buy myself a new shirt or two... I definitely want to shift things around a bit :D

 

As for current stats: Sleep was OK. I left the library at midnight, and was in bed at 1 AM. I couldn't fall asleep, though, and I realized that I was hungry...! I had some banana with peanut butter and a couple of pieces of chocolate, and a bit of almond liquor with oat milk. This helped me sleep all the way to morning, and I woke up hungry :D The stress made me eat less yesterday during breakfast and lunch, I think, so I'm gonna be more mindful with eating today. All in all, the IE group has helped me understand a ton of new things about intuitive eating, and I'm gonna write more about them later...! Right now, I'm gonna put on my running gear and go test out the new earphones and the remote control! I could take the buss to get closer to my  favourite forest and run there... Have a lovely Saturday, everyone!

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8 hours ago, Ensi said:

almond liquor with oat milk

This sounds devine

 

8 hours ago, Ensi said:

All in all, the IE group has helped me understand a ton of new things about intuitive eating,

Me too, it's a really great group

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On 11/9/2018 at 4:20 PM, Ensi said:

and went to buy myself new headphones. They have a remote control, so now I can play the next song on Spotify without having to take out the phone and clicking "next". It's like some Batman tech, y'all

 

On 11/10/2018 at 8:28 AM, Ensi said:

Right now, I'm gonna put on my running gear and go test out the new earphones and the remote control!

 

What headphones did you get? I'm currently looking to buy some myself :) 

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11 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

 

What headphones did you get? I'm currently looking to buy some myself :) 

 

They're the Nero model by Sound of Sweden! The sound is OK, but I should break them in by playing music at different volumes for several hours. I'll see about it... But they stay well in the ear while I run, and the mic is good for phone calls, as well :) I went for a run to test them out on Saturday, and it was really convenient to be able to change the song by just cliking the button on the remote!

 

**

 

I emerge from a weekend of chaos! It started on Saturday. I went for a run in the morning, which was lovely, but a pigeon shat on my head. :DD To every cloud a silver lining: it hit my forehead and spared my hair, eyes and mouth. Phew! I wiped it off, finished the run, and did some pilates and push-ups back home.

 

I was feeling tired and unsocial, but went to see Bohemian Rhapsody with a friend. It was a very emotional experience for me, even though I've never been a huge Queen fan (though I love some of their songs) or don't know much about them, but it just changed my vibe. Seeing the band fight to keep their own style and art was exactly what I needed to see: I'm now more inspired to work for my own art and let people see it. (And the scene where Freddie says something like "keep your pictures and stories" to this one douchebag and walks away was a small, but important moment for me for reasons) 

 

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Anyway, I was feeling hyper after the movie, and couldn't fall asleep. I tried eating, but it didn't help: my brain was in hyper mode :/ I decided to just roll with it, and got up to do some sketches for a comic book idea I have. Eventually, I ate some banana with peanut butter at 3:30 AM (living the life!), and got to sleep a bit after 4 AM. I woke up at 10:20 AM, and had lunch at 11 AM :D I worked on a group project and finished my part of it, after which I went to town. I bought myself two new shirts and realized that green is totally my colour. My wardrobe is blue, and I wish to go through it and refresh my style...

 

The day went OK, and in the evening, I decided to start journaling again. Even though I don't feel like I need to journal, I think it could help me stay aware of my thoughts and be helpful for letting things out of my head. Then I kept working on the group project again, and I'm happy with how it went :) Last night was better: I listened to a podcast until 1 AM, and woke up a bit after 8 AM. I journaled first thing in the morning, kept working on the group project, and now I'm just hanging out until my lecture starts at 12 PM.

 

So, the weekend was somewhat chaotic in a sense that my routines flew out the window and I was tired and cranky, but I enjoyed it. Living without a proper schedule for a while and waking up hours later than usually helped me see that I could cope and be calm without my routines :) I did have some low moments when I was fitting for clothes, thinking that my belly is too big, but it was only a thought that didn't last for long. Instead of checking the mirror, trying to look as thin as possible, I looked at my face and realized that the colour of the shirt I was wearing made me look really good, my hair looked nice, and I looked overall happy. I smiled and started to like what I saw, and then I bought the shirt, because it made me feel like myself...! I'm not saying that I'm completely fine with my body, but I am aware of my thoughts, and I know that beating myself up is dull and pointless. Instead, I focused on the colours and how they made me look, and went for it. I just want to start making the best of what I have instead of trying to change and be something else all the time. I do compare myself to some other women and I know that I'm not beautiful, but it's started to matter to me less and less. What matters is that I can get my shit done and try to be a decent person while doing it!

 

I ate intuitively in a sense that I didn't think about food all that much. I ate every few hours, and I ate enough. I had a big breakfast this morning, and I decided to have a rest week with yoga and lots of rest :) It's been hectic lately, so I'm gonna have an introvert pampering week. Even though I'm feeling fine, I know that I need to make an effort to calm myself down before I go hyper again. I'm gonna start with some yin yoga now... Have a lovely start for your week, everyone! :)

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Everytime I read about your happiness it makes me also so happy :wub:

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2 hours ago, Terah said:

Wow, so much awesomeness in 1 post! 

Keep up the goid work :)

 

2 hours ago, Arkania said:

Everytime I read about your happiness it makes me also so happy :wub:

 

Thanks, you two :) I'm happy, but there is a lot to do and only so many hours a day...! I'm sorry for being inactive with keeping up with your threads. I'm actually thinking about dropping my own challenge threads for some time, and focus on the IE group. It's basically all I need, and I'd have more time to keep up with other threads :D

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On 11/13/2018 at 4:20 AM, Jupiter said:

Sounds like you're doing good. :)

 

Image result for thumbs up gifs

 

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Thanks! :)

 

**

 

Well, I'm down with a cold! Some guy sneezed and coughed behind my neck the whole lecture on Monday, so... T__T Well, I think I've had such a hectic couple of weeks that I haven't taken enough rest. I was pretty hyper on Monday, but I've managed calmed down during these past two days. The library tried to call and ask me for a job gig on Tuesday, but I told them that I'm busy with studies until Friday. I'm happy to have taken a couple of days off, because I've been able to focus on creating art for the video game we're making :) I have another gig on Saturday, so I'm trying to take some rest now...

 

No exercising during illness, of course, but I was gonna spend the week doing yoga and other relaxing exercise, anyway. Eating's been fine, I've barely thought about it...! It's become something that I don't feel anxious about, which I'm happy with. I just make sure that I eat enough, and don't take too long between meals, and it's going pretty well. I do have some issues with waking up at night hungry, so I might need to eat more, or have a small evening snack before bed. I do struggle with hoping that my belly was smaller, though, but I've decided to start writing about it so that it's out of my head. I already talked about it on IE group, and it helped me realize just how much it bothers me - an unhealthy amount, my dudes! I just try to remain compassionate towards myself. It's a good belly, keeps my organs in place and stuff :P

 

And I saw Kyle yesterday!! I had a lecture, and then I walked to the library to pick up a Freddie Mercury biography I had reserved, and saw him outside with his friend. I stayed and chatted with them, and then the friend left and we stayed and talked for a bit longer. A couple of notes: 1) it's really easy talking with him, he asks me how I'm doing and encourages me to live my life the way I want, 2) I feel comfortable telling him about myself and my plans, and he talks to me about himself and his plans, too, 3) he has a wonderful sense of humour, but 4) he keeps telling me that he's old, and even though he doesn't look too old to bother me, I'm too scared to ask HOW OLD EXACTLY :DD and 5) he plays Xbox, and as a PlayStation girl, I'm not sure if this can work out, after all :P Just joking. I'm just gonna roll with this, and not try too hard. I've spent a lot of mental energy on library, and now that I've taken some time off, I've been able to create art and get my studies sorted out. So, I'm gonna take time to myself and not stress about people and relationships. (He did tell me that he has a lot of work shifts at the nearby grocery store these days, so I might change my routine every now and then and do my groceries there ;):D )

 

And yup, I totally borrowed a Freddie Mercury biography, because. Well, because Freddie Mercury :D He's helping me feel creative, so I might paint a picture of him at some point, too.

 

I'm gonna attend a lecture I have this morning, because we have to plan our group work, but then I will crawl back home and keep resting. Have a lovely Thursday, everyone! :)

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8 hours ago, Ensi said:

I'm too scared to ask HOW OLD EXACTLY

Doesn't he have a Facebook page or something that you can secretly check for his age? And there is nothing wrong with seeing older men off course :)

 

8 hours ago, Ensi said:

It's a good belly, keeps my organs in place and stuff :P

My youngest has a round belly and he is so proud of it :D He shows it off every chance he gets. I wish I could be so confident.

 

8 hours ago, Ensi said:

then I will crawl back home and keep resting

I hope you feel better soon! 

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1 minute ago, Terah said:

Doesn't he have a Facebook page or something that you can secretly check for his age? And there is nothing wrong with seeing older men off course :)

 

 

I only know his first name!! That's literally all I know!! :D Then again, I like it. My last fifty crushes (lol) have mostly developed by chatting through FB, and I very much like this way of communicating face-to-face. I'm gonna ask his age the next time, though. And I agree, I don't really care about age that much - but if he turns out to be 40 or more, it would probably affect the way I see him (just because I think he could be somewhere around 33-37). #sexybingo

 

12 minutes ago, Terah said:

My youngest has a round belly and he is so proud of it :D He shows it off every chance he gets. I wish I could be so confident.

 

Huh. That would be a pretty good mental power move... Weaponize the Belly D8<

 

16 minutes ago, Terah said:

I hope you feel better soon! 

 

Thanks! Still very tired today. I'm about to go to bed and read Freddie's autobiography :P

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Oh, it's the final day of the challenge! Thank goodness I have no goals, I don't have to make a recap :DD But I can reflect on the challenge and the topics of journaling I had, for sure.

 

#1 Identity Crafting

 

This is what I wrote near to the beginning of the challenge:

  • I wish to strengthen the identity of an artist. To be able to say, "I am an artist", without self-doubt about being good enough. Embracing the identity could also help me see that dedicating time to my craft is important, and not secondary to everything else I'm doing. I've spent years prioritizing everything else before my art, but now I could actually have it another way around.
  • I want to strengthen the identity of an intellectual (or just plain nerd haha). I want to be someone who values their studies, and looks for possibilities to learn new things. Evelyn O'Connell from the Mummy movies was a huge inspiration to me when I was a kid, so I'm gonna channel my inner Evy while I'm crafting my new self!
  • I want to be someone who's brave enough to push themselves out of their comfort zone every now and then. They can be just very small steps, as long as I'm pushing myself towards my fears. I want to acknowledge that it's not dangerous to go towards one's fears, but it might be scary. In this sense, I'm gonna be like a hobbit: I don't need to be the biggest and strongest person in the world to do things.
  • I want to be someone who's kind, and looks for solutions instead of pointing fingers. 

 

Fuck yeah! I have totally strengthened the identity of an artist during this challenge! :D Working on my course assignments started to change me, and what really affected me, was seeing Bohemian Rhapsody. I found a whole new way to create art. Freddie might have been a rock musician, but I'm taking some lesson from his way of creating art - he did have a degree in graphic design, though :P I've also noticed that reading about other artists' lives has always inspired me and helped me understand myself. Reading some artist's biography or watching a documentary about them every now and then wouldn't hurt...

 

As for the identity of an intellectual... Haven't thought about it too much, but I have done well in my studies, and oh. Actually, my really toxic coworkers (I didn't tell you about what happened yesterday: this older coworker started to pressure me about not having kids. Like, Susan, could you please shut up) have helped me understand that I want to move towards other sorts of work environments. I have started thinking about creating a portfolio, and I do have hopes and goals. As for channeling Evy: always a winning move :D

 

I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone, too. I have made an extra effort to show my art to other students, and it's started to feel easier. Getting to know Kyle better is also a part of this goal: I'm allowing myself to get to know this person at my own pace, and not stress about the outcome too much. It's been good practice :)

 

Being kind, looking for solutions. I've tried, and there have been a couple of moments while working on our group assignments where I haven't agreed with some group member. In the past, I've usually pushed my own view, but I've started to understand that I have a tendency of being single-minded to a fault: I try to keep so much to my original plan that I see alterations as hindrances. Instead of pushing my own view, I've managed to take a step back, remind myself that it's not that serious to make changes or do things the way others suggest, and then find a solution that allows us both get as much as we want. I'm glad that I've become more aware of this single-minded mode I sometimes have, so I can notice it more quickly and find a solution that allows others to show their skills, too.

 

#2 Intuitive Eating and Exercise

 

Working with the IE group has helped me immensely with IE during this challenge. I've managed to stop the "buy sweets to kitchen cupboard - eat mindlessly - toss the rest - buy sweets to kitchen cupboard" cycle, and it happened because I realized that I was really, really bored with my usual sweets. I've eaten sweets, but tried to find more satisfying options. I don't know the exact reason why this helped, but I guess having something actually satisfying (a cheesecake muffin!!) reminded me, what real satisfaction feels like, and how having sweets is supposed to make me feel (instead of stuffing my face with something just because). I've struggled with not eating enough in the evening, though, because then I wake up hungry in the night. I made myself sweet potato slices yesterday evening and had one with turkey cold cuts, and I slept all night. Progress! I'm gonna have the same evening snack today, and all in all, I'm gonna try and eat as much healthy foods during the day as possible.

 

I've opted for lighter exercise, which has helped me be more in tune with my body's signals, too. I finished a beginner course in pilates, which I really liked! I'm gonna continue with pilates and yoga, and do some kettlebell exercises, too :)

 

#3 Studies and Professional Goals

 

During this challenge, I've started to understand that I could actually be a graphic designer and/or illustrator one day for realz, and I have given some thought to my plans. I've managed to take care of my studies (5/5 math course, YAASSSS) and I feel capable and hopeful about the future. Gonna keep doing plans and hustling! I have gotten many job gigs from the library, and I'm capable of paying for my living. I'm also gonna start sending internship applications in the spring to IT / design companies, which will be a whole new thing to tackle...

 

**

 

So, I end this challenge with a satisfied mind :) I'm gonna keep this challenge format for the next challenge, because I enjoyed this journaling kind of approach! Thank you all for following, this is a great place to level up in life :love_heart:

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