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Teros

Teros 49: The Dark Night

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Some meditators refer to it as "The Dark Night", though the phrase is co-opted from the Roman Catholic meditative tradition, wrote Shinzen Young, a mindfulness teacher and neuroscience consultant who works with universities.

 

“It is certainly the case that almost everyone who gets anywhere with meditation will pass through periods of negative emotion, confusion, disorientation, and heightened sensitivity to internal and external arisings,” he wrote on his blog in 2011.  “This phenomenon, within the Buddhist tradition, is sometimes referred to as 'falling into the Pit of the Void.' It entails an authentic and irreversible insight into Emptiness and No Self. What makes it problematic is that the person interprets it as a bad trip. Instead of being empowering and fulfilling, the way Buddhist literature claims it will be, it turns into the opposite. In a sense, it's Enlightenment's Evil Twin.”

 

 

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Heck yes I am here to follow you entirely on this Challenge!

Been given my own personal messages of working through my own "dark stuff" that comes up, especially with me and consistency/school/large projects. Your quotes/explanation makes more sense on what others have told me. I've been pointed to read the Cross of St.  James (?questionable if correct name) on his own poetry of being a Spanish Monk writing through his own dark times. Along with have stumbled upon the subject especially with a friend that has been trying to stay clean and my own spirituality stuff. 

 

Also from last thread... SUPER happy you are going to try DBT. I have been on and off it this last year, and have been able to get the tools I needed to grow. I hope you are able to get something out of it, if it works for you.

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Following...

 

On 11/18/2018 at 8:07 PM, Teros said:

“It is certainly the case that almost everyone who gets anywhere with meditation will pass through periods of negative emotion, confusion, disorientation, and heightened sensitivity to internal and external arisings,” he wrote on his blog in 2011.

 

I feel this is more a rite of passage of life than simply one of meditation. At least that has been the case for me and many of the people I have talked to.

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On 11/18/2018 at 8:41 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The Dark Night of the Soul.

 

Yes, that's where the original term came from and it quasi-stuck to the meditative process.

 

On 11/19/2018 at 9:44 PM, LovelyBouncer said:

working through my own "dark stuff" that comes up, especially with me and consistency/school/large projects

 

If you ever want to PM about it, by all means.

 

On 11/19/2018 at 9:44 PM, LovelyBouncer said:

SUPER happy you are going to try DBT. I have been on and off it this last year, and have been able to get the tools I needed to grow. I hope you are able to get something out of it, if it works for you.

 

I'm looking at it for three reasons.

1) I want to see if it works.

2) I'm interested in focusing on that for my own personal practice and seeing it from the client's side should be interesting.

3) I'm using it as a catalyst/reason to make a big overdue change in my life.

 

I know about the basic tenants, like DEAR MAN and GIVE.

D-Describe

E-Express

A-Assert

R-Reinforce

 

M-Mindful

A-Appear Confident

N-Negotiate

 

But I want to use them in action.  I'm using this as a way to learn more hands-on than any shitty classroom roleplay because I'll be literally using myself and my real issues as a 'case study'.

 

On 11/20/2018 at 2:40 PM, RES said:

:ph34r:

B)

 

On 11/20/2018 at 2:56 PM, Nova Aquarii said:

I feel this is more a rite of passage of life than simply one of meditation. At least that has been the case for me and many of the people I have talked to.

 

It is.  I also liken it to Dante's Divine Comedy, that you need to get through Hell before getting to Heaven.  I think that the accepting a concept of nothingness can create panic, but also create freedom: it's how we handle the absence that defines us.

 

On 11/23/2018 at 12:58 PM, Sciread77 said:

I’m lurking and following even if I don’t post much. 

Image result for starcraft lurker

 

 

On 11/19/2018 at 9:44 PM, LovelyBouncer said:

Your quotes/explanation makes more sense on what others have told me.

 

So in all of my challenges and even longer, I've tried to dig into my subconscious and understand the reason for everything that I do.  The big 'why' of who I am.  What are my limitations, what are my traits, what can I change, what can I not change, and then how do I forge forward?  It's lead to many iterations of burning everything down and then building it back up again.  It's like I grow into a certain way, but then I become unruly and distorted, and I need to purge myself again.  This is a constant cycle.

 

Image result for seth rollins burn it down

 

I've been, for so long, trying to fragment myself and distill - I want to get rid of all the bad shit I don't want.  I'm at a point now where what I consider bad is something that I can't destroy completely: it's part of who I am.  I need to reframe it and make myself work *with* it.

 

For example, you can look at most traits and go into either extreme and have a problem with it.  Selfish.  The extreme version of selfish means that you lack any sort of empathy.  You don't care about anyone else and will hurt someone if it means you can get ahead somehow in life.  In the extreme, selfish is a bad thing.  However, it's also a good thing.  Let's look at the opposite: selfless.  What happens when selfless?  Well there's empathy and understanding, but there's also enabling.  It means people will use you and walk all over you.  It means that you get any sort of fulfillment through justifying yourself through other people, rather than yourself.  Being selfless in its extreme is also a bad thing.

 

So let me use myself for this example: Am I a Selfish or a Selfless person?  Well I'm kind of both.  Instead of Version 1 of me being selfish and the person I hate being Version 2/selfless; I need to not look at things in a black and white example.  Instead, I'm on a slider scale.  I can be selfish.  I can be selfless.  I pushed people away this weekend so I can do homework: that's selfish.  I ended up making an origami for a person who was depressed.  That's selfless.  I've done both.  I'm not ALWAYS selfish or ALWAYS selfless, I'm on a gradient of both.

 

Before the Phoenix Project, when I burned most of everything I owned, I was selfless to the extreme.  Yeah great, people liked me, but were they liking me because of the quality of person I am, or because they could get something out of me so they could use me?

 

I can bring this up about anything.  How about Optimism?  One version of me is a starry-eyed optimist that wants nothing but good and happy things for everyone.  I want everyone to embrace their potential and maximize themselves.  I think that everyone is capable of everything.  The opposite is pessimism: that people suck, that settle for less, that are incapable of change; that are ignorant, angry, and broken and trying to bother with human beings is a fruitless effort.  So who the hell am I?  Am I optimistic or pessimistic?

 

I'm both.  I can at times, be the most optimistic person that exists and empower people to do great things.  I can be a life couch and pep up plenty of people and have done it hundreds of times over the decades.  But most people do not have the motivation, the Will To Power, to achieve greatness.  They do not believe in themselves enough and never will, no matter how many pep talks and empowering speeches are said.  I'm in the gradient: I want to believe that people can do great things and some can, but a lot of people simply don't want to enough.  I shouldn't think all people are great and all people suck: they're just people.  A whole mix, just like me.

 

I have these two....polarizing sides of who I am and I've identified them.  I've given them names, I understand their motives and their experiences have taught them that theirs is the truth, that each of them has the 'right' answer.  As such, I'm stuck with a fallacy.  Both can't be right and both can't be wrong.

 

The statement below is false

The statement about is true

 

As much as Teros hates the Dark Passenger/Old mike, and DP hates Teros, I coexist as both of them.  It's easy to slip into the DP mode of thought when things go bad.  It's so so easy to embrace hatred and anger but even anger isn't entirely bad.  Anger is another version of passion.  Without anger and hatred, I wouldn't have been upset enough to make my changes in life, burn my shit, end my toxic relationship, lose a shitload of weight, start mma, etc.  If I wasn't that angry, I would have stayed put.  I would have let myself become 'meh'.  Anger is a tool just like empowerment.  Let's run with this logic: ok so let's say that anger/motivation are good and inaction is bad.  Then wouldn't the perfect person, the best distilled person be always intense?  No, what about all the time that I'm not intense.  What about all the times I just watch the Eric Andre show or youtube videos and am half-asleep on the couch.  There's not enough energy to be always intense, and would I really want to be that type of person, like those super pumped up and annoying fitness instructors?  Hell no.  So even when I move the yardstick and try to make a new metric with which to base my ideal of 'best' (shifting from anger, to motivation, to intensity) I still end up somewhere in the middle of all this: never at one extreme end.

 

I guess maybe the even bigger question when zooming out more is; what else am I?  If I can be both of these opposites sometimes, then surely the amount I am of each doesn't define me.  If my objects don't define me and I can rebel against them, if my experiences don't define me and I can rebel against them, if my emotions and traits don't define me and I can rebel against them; then what's left?  Is there anything outside of this context?  This is the Dark Night: if I keep taking away and taking away and taking away, is there something else?

 

Related image

 

Although I laugh at this meme every time I see it, it has a lot of merit concerning the material I keep circling back to.  I keep doing Reductio Ad Absurdum: reducing something into it's smallest parts and thereby nullifying it.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reductio_ad_absurdum

 

By asking 'why why why' over and over, I'm lead spiraling out in the two extremes of logic and ending up nowhere, left to piece it all back together.  In a sense, I'm intentionally Dr Manhattan-ing myself.  That's now a term I just made up.  I'm pulling apart a watch and then reassembling it.  I'm creating existential chaos and then creating order of it for a while, only for the seems to start ripping and chaos to come back again to be stitched into another form.

 

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How about Optimism?  One version of me is a starry-eyed optimist that wants nothing but good and happy things for everyone.  I want everyone to embrace their potential and maximize themselves.  I think that everyone is capable of everything.  The opposite is pessimism: that people suck, that settle for less, that are incapable of change; that are ignorant, angry, and broken and trying to bother with human beings is a fruitless effort.  So who the hell am I?  Am I optimistic or pessimistic?”

 

I totally agree. The biggest problem I see with the extremes is getting caught in the false dichotomy of choosing pessimism or optimism. 

 

I would pose that the extremes, while opposite, both miss. Reality is somewhere between the eternal optimist, who necessarily misses out on the opportunity to plan for many of life’s pitfalls, and the eternal pessimist, who wastes the good in life by imagining all the ways it will be spoiled. Personally, I’ve found extremes are easier to cling to.  It is not because they are the best, but because they are easier. A simple algorithm without judgment and decisions will work for both. Whereas in life, most things are some shade of gray. Sometimes two virtues or good things are zero sum games and you have to go through the difficult decision-making process of which good is more important. Or on the flip side, you have two terrible options and you have to decide which is least bad or least damaging. It’s tough, it’s messy, reasonable people can disagree strongly, and it’s basically why I have a job. 

 

While I don’t worship balance, I try to stay grounded in reality. And in most courses of action, the best answer lies somewhere between the extremes. Sometimes people suck, and sometimes those same people do wonderful things. Some actions are both, depending on how a given action affects the involved parties. 

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On 11/24/2018 at 2:43 PM, Teros said:

I'm looking at it for three reasons.

1) I want to see if it works.

2) I'm interested in focusing on that for my own personal practice and seeing it from the client's side should be interesting.

3) I'm using it as a catalyst/reason to make a big overdue change in my life.

 

I know about the basic tenants, like DEAR MAN and GIVE.

D-Describe

E-Express

A-Assert

R-Reinforce

 

M-Mindful

A-Appear Confident

N-Negotiate

 

But I want to use them in action.  I'm using this as a way to learn more hands-on than any shitty classroom roleplay because I'll be literally using myself and my real issues as a 'case study'.

 

Aww DEAR MAN.... that one literally was difficult for me personally. Still is, I hate making conflict. Or even point out the problem when things calm. However, is a great method. 

While GIVE I have learned from a young age. 

 

For me DPT also helped on someone looking at me and relating the steps to myself. I learned I had little grasp on what to call certain emotions and learning how to accept them differently. Hopefully it helps make that change you are looking for. 

 

Hope you are surviving your classes, with you doing the work that helps! 

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Wow it's been a while since I posted.  I think it's because I've been writing in a few PMs instead, so I feel like I've been on here a bunch but that's not the case when it comes to my own thread. 

 

I've started a new whole30 this week.  I feel like a can of smashed assholes, to be perfectly honest.  The first week is always stupidly hard to get through.  It's also probably a fucking terrible idea to do this at this time of year with cookies, cakes, and xmas meals happening but you know what I realized?  That NOT doing this is a stupider idea.

 
Related image

If I can survive through the next month, then I damn sure can survive January.  What the hell happens in January anyways?

 

 

February?  What's there?  The fake love holiday.

 

March?  Uh, maybe Easter?  I've never been tempted by peeps though, so who cares.

 

April?  ....Nothing

 

May?  Birthdays for my whole family and graduation.  Mid-may is 164 days away.  If I get through this month, I could do 164+ day whole streak.

 

Ok so it's time to stop being an asshole.  I'm doing this.  I'm getting through 30 days and seeing as how that will put me *after* Christmas, I'm not having any of that shit.

 

I called up a therapist for DBT.  My appointment is on Dec 14th so I'll probably post about how that goes.

 

Everything else besides that is related to getting through school.  I finished my final paper for my Tuesday class earlier today.   I did the learning contract.  I did the 2 process recordings.  I did my first draft of my Monday final paper so all that's left is redoing that last paper and then I'm free for winter break.  I have some sick days and personal days that I have saved up and need to use before January so I'll be using all that time up.

 

I've also been doing more cleaning.  I finally have most of the kitchen set up and I washed off a couple of boxes and threw out more stuff.  I still need to wash off the last couple boxes, the weight rack, and the walls before I'm done with that room for mold.  Then I have the closet which has backpacks in them.  Need to deal with those, too.  I'm thinking that's going to be a winter-break thing for me.

 

I want to celebrate Krampus-Time this year.  I'm thinking that my next post might be related to that.  I also need to write about what is going on with my thoughts on traits.  I have ideas but I need to write it all down to make any sense.  Hope everyone is doing well.

 

 

 

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Yeah, this is probably the best time of year to start. It would be for me anyway. The Christmas season is like my Kryptonite. It’s not just the stuff at home, but there’s just unlimited (and amazing) sugary desserts everywhere, all the time. 

 

If if you can make it through this season you’re basically good until summer. If I can make it through this season I’ll probably be good until summer too. So. May the Force be with you. 

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3 hours ago, RES said:

Nothing?

Related image

 

Bat ball season?

 

3 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

The Christmas season is like my Kryptonite.

 

Yeah, the season from October-January is terrible and it gets progressively worse as it goes on.

 

So my mom is in the hospital right now.  She went in for surgery for dialysis yesterday morning.  She was supposed to get out last night but her potassium was really high and her heartbeat was really low (40s).  It was pushed back to this morning to monitor her.  Overnight, she ended up dropping to the 30s and needed to get flushed of potassium.  She's now staying *another* night and they might be starting dialysis right now because of what a mess she currently is.  I just...can't right now.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom, that is just like nine kinds of shitty :(

*Hugs* go snuggle with one of th cats or dogs, they're warm and fuzzy and they always make me feel better when life is shitty.

Sent from my LM-X510WM using Tapatalk

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On 11/25/2018 at 9:49 AM, Sciread77 said:

Reality is somewhere between the eternal optimist, who necessarily misses out on the opportunity to plan for many of life’s pitfalls, and the eternal pessimist, who wastes the good in life by imagining all the ways it will be spoiled.

 

As I get older, I see how much truer and truer this is. I tell people I am a hopeful realist. 

 

Sorry for the delay @Teros, but I'm here. I am also wrestling with some dark habits and thoughts, and while it might not be the "dark night of the soul" mentioned above, it's definitely taking its toll on my relationships.

 

Let me know if I can help in any way.

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Thanks all.  I have a lot to catch up on.

 

Family:

 

My mom stayed in the hospital for an extra day and was then sent home. I helped drag her bed out from her room into the living room.  She has one of those adjustable beds so she can sitting upright in bed, although she doesn't really use it.  Her surgery went well but she needs to wait about 2 months to heal before she can undergo dialysis.  Her kidneys are currently at 7%.  She feels terrible pretty much every day and talks about how this or cancer are the worst possible things for someone to go through.

 

She talks in short bursts about how she didn't even want to bother with the surgery and just wanted to die.  She said she has small bouts of anxiety about what's going on but then thinks, "what's the worst that happens? I die. Whatever."  I honestly feel like she made her peace YEARS before any of this even happened.  She has never had any drive or motivation to do anything with her life besides make money as a nurse to support herself/kids.  She's very....one dimensional.

 

She has said to me, "I know you don't want to do anything for me" in a snide way.  There isn't a time I *don't* remember her being like this.  I have a lot of unresolved mom issues, if I'm being blunt.

 

When I was a kid and I took showers, I took cold ones (which science has shown is actually really beneficial for you).  My mom insisted I wasn't 'clean enough' and at one point, had me get in the shower and turned the heat on really high.  I remember screaming and feeling it burn me, and my mom standing right outside of the shower with her hand on the water temperature nozzle and telling me that I needed to deal with it.

 

When I was a kid and being tormented in school, I remember crying and my mom saying, "One of these days, you'll look back on this and laugh."  I've never laughed about it.

 

Growing up, I always had to be quiet.  I remember playing with a pencil when I got out of high school and being scolded for tapping because my mom was trying to sleep.

 

Any time I tried connecting with my mom and sharing, it was like she never understood my point of view.  She was always baffled even though I would try and be as clear as possible about it.  It was like she was incapable of knowing who I was/am.

 

Even going to school for social work, I was told when I first started that she 'didn't get it' because 'everyone should just talk to their parents'.  She has no emotional intelligence or awareness.  She doesn't know how to validate or understand underlying things.  She thought the profession was dumb and that I should be a traveling phlebotomist instead because 'they make good money'.

 

I don't recall my mom ever wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

 

I grew up with my mom talking to my sister and saying, 'all men are pigs and assholes that think with their dick".  A couple of times, she would say I wasn't like that, but after decades of hearing it and feeling the anger radiate from her, I still felt it was true of me.

 

My mom complained about not having enough money for Christmas stuff one year and I said that it was fine: I'll just have essential stuff, like soap.  That year, she got me the WRONG soap, and she also spent over $15,000 to get my grandmother's ring and gave it to my sister for her Christmas gift.

 

I'm constantly compared and not good enough compared to my sister.  The year that I went to Camp NF was huge for me: huge introvert taking a plane for the first time in his life to mingle with people was a massive milestone.  I remember getting back and my mom telling me how blessed we were that my sister was in our life because my sister picked me up from the airport.  In any discussion about something that I'm doing well (or bad for that matter), I get told about how great my sister is.

 

My mom has told me multiple times that she seriously thought about aborting me.  I don't care if it's true: she has no idea how hurtful that is to know.

 

I've been guilted my entire life to give a shit about her, to feel bad about myself, and to not think I'm good enough.

 

And now here she is, in failing health, guilting me again.

 

I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say or think about all of this.  I mean, I'm an only child.  My dad was an alcoholic that my mom kicked out before I was born.  I'm not sure if he even knows of my existence.  My extended family split after my grandfather died when I was a teen.  Even so, I didn't see them much and had no real interaction with them besides holidays.  My immediate family is only comprised of my worthless uncle who worked at a shoe store for 40+ years even though he has a degree in hospital administration.  The shoe store closed down a couple years ago so now he's unemployed: literally living off of another uncle somewhere nearby.  My sister's husband is an oafish man-child that can barely take care of himself.  He's in his 50s and can barely put together a sandwich.  I'm not joking: he doesn't make pasta and needs my sister to tell him instructions for how to put a piece of meat in the oven and turn the oven on.  Him and my sister wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on random shit and got into debt and were going to go bankrupt but my mom took my savings, her savings, and my sister's savings and bought her out of debt.  My sister and her husband's relationship is terrible.  He's a fucking buffoon and she yells at him more like a mom than a loving partner.  She insults him constantly (admitted, he deserves it with the shit he does).  It's a loveless relationship that as soon as a guy at work showed a SLIGHT interest in her, my sister debated getting a divorce.  She's since admitted defeat and has told me multiple times that she's 'not allowed to be happy' because if she is happy, something horrible happens.  She's learned to just be miserable and has no confidence in herself.  Everyone in my family is overweight and has diabetes and needs insulin injections.  Everyone is angry, miserable, and anxious.  There's this shitty dynamic where my uncle/in-law are incompetent, needy, men-children who are essentially babied and taken care of by miserable women who look down on them.  My mom and sister joke about how they hate having my uncle around, or groan in disgust at my brother-in-law.  Where the fuck are my role models?  In order for my mom to feel validation, she has said that she 'spoils' her kids (when younger, I would get roomfulls of toys but then told that I had to take good care of them and be responsible and yadda yadda - which made me feel guilty and like I couldn't even enjoy them because I was being judged.  She called me spoiled all the time, even though I flat-out GAVE MY OWN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BACK because I didn't want to hear it anymore).  The whole situation just....sucks.  I'm not sure how I should feel about any of this family.  I love my mom and sister and I care about them, but I sure as hell don't like my mom or want to be around her.  So that's what's swirling in my head about all of that.

 

-Health-

 

In other news, whole30 is going great.  I got a blender and a thermos.  I'm back to having a protein shake, a multivitamin, and eating right.  I desperately needed this break from school anxiety.  Last Monday was my last class so I've sort of been half-assing whole30 but I've gradually become more and more strict until what I'm doing is a 'true' 100% whole30.  I've gone for a walk every day the past couple of days.  My feet and my knee hurts and I'm getting blisters so tomorrow I'm not doing cardio and instead switching to some weight lifting/body weight exercises to heal up.  Then when I feel ok again, I'll go back to cardio.  That's my plan for now: alternate what I do for when I need a break.  This means tomorrow will do sledgehammer/kettelbell/pushups, etc.  On the physical health front, I'm doing a hell of a lot better.

 

-Internship-

 

For my internship, I'm at a homeless advocacy agency and I work with the men from the men's 90-day transitional house.  The past 3 weeks, I have decided to open up in the groups.  I told them about 3 weeks ago about how I felt.  The topic was 'relationships' and I said roughly this:

 

'For most of my life, I've felt really empty.  Because of that, I think I let myself stay in a toxic enabling relationship for 12 years.  During that time, I gained a lot of weight and ballooned up to 360 pounds.  It took people that truly cared about me to show me that I had worth and that I could do better than that.  After I ended things, I lost about 100 pounds.  Although I still have a way to go with weightloss, I decided that I'm worth caring about.  I think with a relationship, a healthy one, what you want is a person that wants to bring out the best in you and you want to bring out the best in them; that way both of you can be the best people you can possibly be.  I hope everyone has a good day. Thanks."

 

I...I got cheers and applause from the 40 or so people in the room, multiple times.  Once when I said how much weight I lost, and again when I finished talking.  I've noticed since then, the guys come up to me more and see how I'm doing, instead of me trying to socialize and ask them how they're doing.  Doing this has made me vulnerable but also more approachable.

 

One of the clients that I meet with had a discussion with me about how the agency focuses on the 'horror stories' which scares some clients, but it also doesn't address what healthy sober living is like.  A lot of the guys think that they can't have fun without substances, and that there should be at least something to balance out what to look forward to in recovery.  After our talk, I asked if he wanted to address this with my supervisor, Sassy.  We went to meet with her and we explained how we both felt this way.  She agreed and wanted to see what the guys at the house would like.  I'm proud that I was able to empower a client to talk to my supervisor and advocate for reform within the agency.

 

I did my process recordings and my supervisor, Sassy, loves me.  Every week, I get a pep talk about how great I'm doing and we talk about more macro-related stuff, especially when the other intern is there for our 'group' sessions.  This past Wednesday (12-12-18), I brought up how certain meetings were lackluster in the content and wanted to know what could be done to change that.  I had my evaluation, which Sassy needed to grade my performance at the internship.  She wanted to give me all 5s but had to give a couple 4s since she's not allowed to give a perfect score.  After the evaluation, she closed the folder and said, 'Real talk....I'm going to miss you here."  I said I would miss being here, too.  We had a heart-to-heart for a few minutes and then I went on my way.

 

Thursday, the next morning, Sassy sees me before I'm doing intakes for the day and pulls me into the men's house office.  The guy that I'm working technically underneath is in the office, too.  Sassy tells me that the agency wants me there: I'm hired.  It takes everything to not have tears well up in my eyes.  I say yes.  I'm now working at my internship.  I'm going to be in charge running the men's house: 20 guys, a couple evenings a week.  I'm going to shadow over the next couple weeks and I'll probably officially start after New Year's.  Also, I was told that it would be great if I was on the team for the curriculum change - they want to standardize the meetings and have homework and specific topics so that way a list of information can be covered.  This means that I'm working with the other staff to develop curriculum for the group meetings; which means I'm partially responsible for how the entire program runs.  On top of that, Sassy texted me this weekend and told me to pick up a 'bonus' in her office: they gave me a $100 gift card.

 

Words...can't describe this feeling inside of me.  I've felt so alienated in my life and misunderstood for the bulk of it.  When I'm on NF or when I'm at the homeless agencies, something clicks.  I just....I feel like I belong.  Like I matter.  Like I'm understood.  Maybe my entire life, that's all I've ever really wanted.

 

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Congrats on the job!  Sorry to hear about your Mom.  I know this is really a  tough subject for you.  I will be back now and will have a thread for the next challenge.  Can't wait to catch up.

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Well done on the job. That's incredible and a testament to your hard work.

 

1 hour ago, Teros said:

The whole situation just....sucks.  I'm not sure how I should feel about any of this family.  I love my mom and sister and I care about them, but I sure as hell don't like my mom or want to be around her.  So that's what's swirling in my head about all of that.

There is no way you are supposed to feel about your family. If you want, you never have to see any of them again. Now, I don't expect me saying that once to undo all the toxicity they've heaped on you over the years. Whatever else they are they are extremely skilled manipulators very invested in getting you to do what they want. I simply want to add the phrase, "Teros never has to see his bio family again if he doesn't want to" into the swirling mix.

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20 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There is no way you are supposed to feel about your family

QFT, I would add, no better family than the one you choose for yourself.

 

Words cannot express how happy I am for you, and how proud I am of you!

 

 

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I've walked the past 3 days in a row.  However, one of my feet has a callous and my right knee was hurting so my plan was to do lifting when I don't walk.  I did the following:

 

25x Rows

20x Curls

20x Tricep Pulldown

20x Shrugs

25x Squats

xSparring on punching bag

 

I'm able to do everything within 12 minutes, which gave me the last 2 minutes to beat the shit out of the 100lb punching bag that I got a while ago and never used.  I'm dubbing this "The Bane Workout".  I'm focusing on form but I'm also not getting more than a few seconds resting between sets.  I feel like I need to keep moving onto the next thing as the song progresses.  This feels like a nice intense but short workout.  I can say that I already feel my arms, mid-chest, and legs are sore and I'll have DOMS tomorrow which is fine, because I'm going back to walking.  I was able to hold off on eating until I did this workout.  I'm building a new schedule where I'm taking care of myself and only setting aside 3 evenings per week for any sort of socializing.  I think that I spent way way WAY too much time with JJ to the point that I neglected myself so I'm fucking done with that.  I feel good.  I feel stronger.  I'm eating ground beef with green beans and a ton of water and a small apple juice pouch.  I'm supposed to spend tonight with a lady so I'll see how that goes.  I don't know much about her but she was very ecstatic to meet me so whatever.  I'll see.

 

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So I went to see this therapist for the first time today.  I’ve got to say, I feel extremely depressed.  I woke up feeling gross and it had been raining since last night and hasn’t stopped in 24 hours.  I was trying to follow Gina (I named by GPS so I can swear at her when she fucks up) and eventually found the parking lot I needed to be at.  I crossed the street and went up to the 3rd floor to meet ‘Adam’.  I listened to his routine schpiel that he tells every client about texting, cancellation fees, and such.  He asked me a few questions and I ended up telling him about the internship upcoming job and how I’m internally freaking out and I talked about some art stuff I’ve done.  It was fairly uhhh… tame?  I guess that’s how I’ll label it.  After the session, I went back out into the rain and to my car.

 

While driving home, I was muttering to myself as usual.  I started going off about how isolated I feel and how I didn’t know what my goals and dreams where.  I kept talking for the 30 minutes and I said, “I just…I want to stop. Feeling. So…empty.”  By the time I got home, I felt extremely depressed and I’ve been in that funk since which was roughly 7 hours ago.  I ended up breaking my whole30 within minutes of going to JJ’s place (last night) where we had pizza and salad.  I can’t stop fucking up constantly.  I’ll have a couple of good days and then I relapse.  And a couple of good days and relapse.  I’m sick of relapsing.  I weighed myself the other day and I’ve almost regained ALL of the weight that I lost within the past year.  It’s cold, dark, and raining outside and I’m in that mood where I don’t know what the fuck I should be doing.  I don’t want to do anything besides sleep.  I don’t want to watch tv/youtube.  I don’t want to play a game. I don’t want to go to JJ’s place.  I don’t want to be around family.  I don’t want to eat.  I’m just HERE.  I feel emotionally and physically run down.

 

I feel very alone right now.  The history of me socializing has been pathetic.  I was bullied in grade school and never made any friends.  In highschool I talked to a handful of people but was never part of a ‘group’ at all.  I went to handful of drunken teen groups and was basically a wallflower and didn’t get shitfaced like everyone else.  By then I was in an enmeshed relationship for 12 years.  I didn’t really bother with people at that stage.  At school now, I’ve tried to make friends with a dozen or so people and it still falls flat.  At work, I don’t socialize at all.  I’m literally doing item rotation and never see another human being outside of the ‘hey how are you’/’I’m ok how are you doing?’/’I’m ok’ and then walking in different directions.  Like….fuck this.  Fuck all of this.  The two closest times I ever felt like I was socializing was when I was on NF when I was first starting, and a tiiiiny bit at this current internship.  Even at the internship though, I still end up in my office and not saying much.  I stand around out by the desk and try to talk to people and they still end up passing by me.  I don’t know what the hell I have to do to get attention in my life at this point.

 

When I played games, I would help people out and that is how I made friends.  But after a while, they disappeared or they would *always* ask me for help and it was basically me just beating games for other people and I was just being used.

 

The worst though, is what I call ‘The Mass-Text Cycle’.  Here’s how it works:  I feel lonely and I end up texting 10-20 people all at once with something.  Maybe 3 people will reply back and I have some conversation.  After about an hour or so, I’m not talking to those 3 people anymore and I feel alone again.  I start thinking to myself that the only reason people talk to me is to send a reply.  No one is actively going out of their way to try and talk to me.  And then I start thinking, “Is everyone too busy to even respond to a text?  It literally takes 10 seconds!”  I grow increasingly bitter and dejected and wonder why I bother.  About a week passes and I scroll through and there’s still no one that bothers to message first.  I go from depressed, to frustrated, to angry.  I think to myself, ‘FINE!  Fuck them!  Fuck all of them then!  I try to socialize and I get fucking nowhere.  I’m barely even an afterthought so they can all just fuck off.”  About 3-4 weeks pass and I feel alone again and I decide to message 10-20 people.  The cycle continues.  I have 99 contacts and 88 current text message threads. 

 

Why?  Why do I fucking bother with this shit?  Why do I feel alone in a crowd?  Why do I feel completely misunderstood?

 

What also happens, is sometimes I will take a person that I’ve tried talking to and ask something like, “Why do I bother with trying to socialize?” or something that would be me questioning work, school, internship, whatever.  The point is that I postulate a question to someone.  I will tend to get a reply to those questions but after about 10-20 texts back and forth, I get the same response: I should talk to a therapist.  In other words, the person that I was talking to doesn’t want to bother entertaining this conversation anymore and I should be paying someone for their time.  Thus, I’ve come full circle to today and why I feel so fucking depressed.

 

It’s all fine and dandy that ‘Adam’ is ok with talking about deeper topics but I don’t want a rent-a-buddy to do that with: I want a partner to do that with.  I want friends to do that with.  What I’m looking for is vague because it’s all-encompassing.  I don’t want a person I can bitch to once in a while or something.  I want some sort of intellectual stimulation where I feel like I’m understood and cared about.  The insane thing is, I don’t even know if this is a lot that I’m asking for anymore, as the amount that I get is so goddamn pitiful.

 

I do want to say that there’s someone on here that checks my thread once in a while that has shown they understand, and I’m glad this person is in my life.  I don’t want to sweep under the rug how special and important this person is to me.  I just wish that this level of depth wasn’t so astronomically small.

 

You know what….I just deleted 54 people.  I just deleted 51 conversations.  I’m fucking done trying to put in effort to socialize with people if they won’t even meet me halfway.

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I'm not going to respond to the high school stuff because that's in the past and you've moved on. Even though the pain of it will probably never go away you're not the same person you were back then.

In the here and now you ask;

13 hours ago, Teros said:

Is everyone too busy to even respond to a text? 

the answer is, maybe so...are they at work? are they not allowed to be on their phones at their job? are they driving? do they see it later and think "oh it's been too long, it's too late to respond now". Maybe I am giving them the benefit of the doubt for this to happen all the time but I know what my days and weeks consist of and often times this would be the case, maybe not the not allowed to be on my phone part but the trying to focus to I don't get distracted from what I'm doing part...

 

13 hours ago, Teros said:

I should talk to a therapist.

When people say things like this maybe they don't feel qualified to respond or give advice on what you're asking...I would not feel comfortable  answering why someone doesn't feel like socializing, or what to do about some of the feelings you express in  your post. I believe in their way they are trying to give you the best advice they feel qualified to give which is to talk to someone who IS qualified...you wouldn't go to an unqualified person for advice on what to do about a brain tumor would you?

 

13 hours ago, Teros said:

I want a partner to do that with.  I want friends to do that with.

While I hope I understand where you're coming from here, it's not fair to expect others to be able to fill this role. It's very true you have to make yourself happy and complete before someone else can do that WITH you. I'm not going to say being by yourself is easy, but it's a lot easier than being miserable with someone else for the sake of not being alone!

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