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fleaball

Flea Becomes a Basic Bitch

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Change of plans. I feel like I'm rushing into this challenge and it's already making me super anxious, so I'm not going to stick to the challenge for the rest of zero week. Will continue to scale back dairy and work on my knee/maybe try yoga, but I'm not going all out because I need to mentally prepare for this. Which I hate that I need to do, but whatever. Part of it is "ugh, changing things is uncomfortable and going to the gym is inconvenient" but the bigger part of it is that if I start doing healthy things and my father notices, he'll start making comments about it. And while I don't particularly care what he says about it, it's the fact that he always has something to say, whether it's about my eating habits or a million questions about my exercise routine or whatever else is happening. I feel like I have to justify what I'm doing and it's shitty. And before someone tells me to just tell him to fuck off - I still have to live with him until a Nigerian prince wires me money. He's a whiny oversensitive manchild on his best days, I'm not looking to exacerbate that. Once upon a time when I'd go running before work, I'd come home right around the time he was leaving. Without fail he asked me every single day where I went/what I was doing/was I following a program or just winging it etc. And every single day I explained I had an app on my iPod that was telling me what to do. But if I said anything like "the same thing I told you I was doing 2 days ago" he'd get pissy about it. And if I start cooking a new food/meal/whatever, he asks where I got the idea because since he can't make any healthy choices without reading about them, clearly no one else can just decide to try a new vegetable or something. So that's what I'm anxious about. I just don't want to have to deal with these bullshit conversations about everything for the next 6 weeks, at least not before I can prepare myself for them. 

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Without fail he asked me every single day where I went/what I was doing/was I following a program or just winging it etc. And every single day I explained I had an app on my iPod that was telling me what to do. But if I said anything like "the same thing I told you I was doing 2 days ago" he'd get pissy about it.

 

My dad does this exact same thing!! About EVERYTHING. Making the exact same smoothie I make all the time? "What did you put in your smoothie??" Doing my hair the same way I've been doing it for years? "Why do you do THAT??" Having a meeting for work? "Oh you're having a MEETING? Are you using Skype or something??" YES THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

 

It's super exasperating and hard to deal with. I try not to be annoyed that he can't remember we've had these same discussions 700 times, but it's really hard not to be irritable. At least my dad just acts like he doesn't hear me when I tell him we've had this conversation before...I can only imagine your dad turns it up to 11. 

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3 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

I can only imagine your dad turns it up to 11. 

Yuuuuuup. He gets offended because he’s ~just trying to make conversation~ or ~trying to show interest in what I’m doing~ or whatever, so clearly it’s my fault that I’m annoyed with him for asking the same questions all the time because he’s just trying to be a good father. One of my favorite interactions:

 

”You went running again? Are you following a program or just doing your own thing?”

”I told you, I have an app that tells me what to do. It’s an 8-week program.”

”Well FINE, I’ll just never talk to you again if I’m bothering you so much.”

 

I’ve heard that last line far too often to believe it though. 

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You need to respond to this line with some variation of "You promise?"

 

I would just answer: "Ok." and then do my stuff and don't listen to what he says after that.

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I know it's easy for people to brush that stuff off as harmless questions or comments that can be ignored, but to me it sends a more ominous message: you're being watched and evaluated always and you are required to explain yourself. I definitely agree that it's annoying and stifling.

 

I was visiting my grandparents last week and my grandmother confided in me that she's being driven nuts because she can't go anywhere on her own anymore. My grandfather, since retiring, doesn't really have many interests and tends to be bored all the time. So whenever she wants to go literally anywhere, even to the pharmacy or grocery store for a quick errand, he jumps up and puts on his coat as soon as she mentions that she's going out. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings but it's really grating on her. Like, she values her independence and just wants to be able to do things by herself sometimes, and she feels smothered. She says she's going to start going out when he lies down for his afternoon nap just for some time alone.

 

Obviously it's different but I think both situations are examples of a behaviour that when done reasonably (asking about someone's activities, or joining someone when they run an errand) can be perfectly harmless and fine, but when taken to extremes or done with a certain tone, starts to feel oppressive and irritating. The frustrating thing about those situations is when you try to explain it to other people, it's really easy for them to say things like "so he comes with you to buy groceries? what's the big deal?" but they don't understand the context.

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The thing I suggested above is something  I already did and said to some people and then going with it.

(This time) it's not I suggest just something random I would do but I did.

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5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You need to respond to this line with some variation of "You promise?"

I have, so many times. He just pouts more but doesn’t shut up. :(

 

3 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

I would just answer: "Ok." and then do my stuff and don't listen to what he says after that.

I’ve done that too. Doesn’t help, but I always hold out hope. 

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

I know it's easy for people to brush that stuff off as harmless questions or comments that can be ignored, but to me it sends a more ominous message: you're being watched and evaluated always and you are required to explain yourself. I definitely agree that it's annoying and stifling.

Oh look, another part of my childhood I was largely unaware of. 

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Reminds me of a situation my friend was relating the other day - her brother asked her the same question, (worded slightly differently but essentially the same) 3 times in one short exchange, even though she answered each time. He was responding, but not actually listening.. at all.. just kept doggedly asking the same thing. In the end she just stared at him silently until he went off in a huff muttering 'jeeze I can't say anything right around here'.. still with no concept of what the issue was. Later on he broached the subject by saying he's really struggling with people being aggressive towards him - basically looking for an apology from her - so she said she's really struggling with people not respecting her enough to listen to what she's saying (lol. She's a lot braver than I am) I found the whole thing truly bizarre. He's a nice guy, but he literally had no idea how dysfunctional his basic communication skills are, like he was completely non self-aware. I'm not suggesting this is your father's problem (he's a far more complex kettle of fish!) but I do find it fascinating how humans can manage to make basic communication such a frustrating and traumatic thing. 

 

On 11/22/2018 at 9:02 AM, Severine said:

I know it's easy for people to brush that stuff off as harmless questions or comments that can be ignored, but to me it sends a more ominous message: you're being watched and evaluated always and you are required to explain yourself. I definitely agree that it's annoying and stifling.

Weirdly, I was hyper-aware of this as a child/teenager, even though I had absolutely no reason to be. Like, I would try to go for a walk or run without anyone else finding out, and was too scared to ask for a lot of things. Rather than request something different for school lunch I asked if I could make it myself so that no one would comment on the fact I put something different in my sandwiches. Literally no idea why I did this as my parents were the least judgemental people I could imagine, but for some reason I was terrified of anyone noticing I'd started doing something different and having to explain it. I haaaate to think how much harder this would be if there actually were comments/judgements made in response to doing anything. Hugs x

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On 11/22/2018 at 4:50 PM, Owlet said:

Reminds me of a situation my friend was relating the other day - her brother asked her the same question, (worded slightly differently but essentially the same) 3 times in one short exchange, even though she answered each time. He was responding, but not actually listening.. at all.. just kept doggedly asking the same thing. In the end she just stared at him silently until he went off in a huff muttering 'jeeze I can't say anything right around here'.. still with no concept of what the issue was. Later on he broached the subject by saying he's really struggling with people being aggressive towards him - basically looking for an apology from her - so she said she's really struggling with people not respecting her enough to listen to what she's saying (lol. She's a lot braver than I am) I found the whole thing truly bizarre. He's a nice guy, but he literally had no idea how dysfunctional his basic communication skills are, like he was completely non self-aware. I'm not suggesting this is your father's problem (he's a far more complex kettle of fish!) but I do find it fascinating how humans can manage to make basic communication such a frustrating and traumatic thing. 

This is part of my father’s thing. He definitely has memory issues that play a part (whether it’s ADHD or brain issues from a car accident idk) but he does the same thing where he asks a question, gets an answer, repeats himself, and then gets mad when someone says “I just told you X.” I try to make allowances for “okay maybe there are other factors at play beyond him just being a jerk” but he’s been like this forever so I’m growing less and less inclined to be nice about it, especially considering I’ll get the same response from him no matter what I do or say. 

 

On 11/22/2018 at 4:50 PM, Owlet said:

 

Weirdly, I was hyper-aware of this as a child/teenager, even though I had absolutely no reason to be. Like, I would try to go for a walk or run without anyone else finding out, and was too scared to ask for a lot of things. Rather than request something different for school lunch I asked if I could make it myself so that no one would comment on the fact I put something different in my sandwiches. Literally no idea why I did this as my parents were the least judgemental people I could imagine, but for some reason I was terrified of anyone noticing I'd started doing something different and having to explain it. I haaaate to think how much harder this would be if there actually were comments/judgements made in response to doing anything. Hugs x

<3

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10 minutes ago, fleaball said:

especially considering I’ll get the same response from him no matter what I do or say. 

That's actually a pretty freeing realization. You know your input won't affect his response, so you don't have to waste diplomacy or nice on him.

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SG9McAbgSmCK2TxVd7Tx_not-part-of-the-sol

 

Side note: I've really missed our chats.

 

Sucks that you're struggling with the reflux, but...

 

97a957f17798a23ee7996b7df5640820.jpg

 

I'm hoping your fellow Rebels can at least make you smile and laugh plenty through this challenge. Hope you feel better soon. As always, let me know if I can help in any way. 

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Challenge Update: Still not basic. Have done nothing toward this challenge. Last week was rough for a bunch of reasons but also none in particular, and while I did try to psych myself up to start Sunday and even went as far as picking out yoga videos to do and scheduling the gym days in my planner, I've still not started. Not sleeping well hasn't helped on that front. My body has decided to play this fun new game called "lie awake until the sun comes up, finally fall asleep, then wake up 2 hours later and stare at the wall/ceiling/cat in despair." The food goals have also been a bust because exhausted Flea has no fucks to give and wants shitty comfort food.

 

So. Womp.

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4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

even went as far as picking out yoga videos

 

Have you found any super short ones?? That sometimes helps me when I'm in a yoga rut. 

 

7 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Not sleeping well hasn't helped on that front.

 

Do you usually hop straight in bed, or do you have a sort of sleep ritual you do before bed? In the precision nutrition thing I'm doing, they're having us work on sleep rituals right now as a way to improve your chances of getting better sleep. Maybe something like that could help? (I know a lot of it's just your brain being a jerk though.)

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4 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

Have you found any super short ones?? That sometimes helps me when I'm in a yoga rut. 

Derp, never considered that. Yoga with Adriene has a handful of 5-7 minute one though, so that's an option. Thanks!

 

9 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

Do you usually hop straight in bed, or do you have a sort of sleep ritual you do before bed? In the precision nutrition thing I'm doing, they're having us work on sleep rituals right now as a way to improve your chances of getting better sleep. Maybe something like that could help? (I know a lot of it's just your brain being a jerk though.)

Does moving the goddamn cat out of my spot every night count as a ritual? No matter where in my room he's sleeping, if he sees me grabbing my toothbrush/etc he'll get up and move to my side of the bed while I'm in the bathroom. Otherwise no, not really. I've tried drinking chamomile or sleepytime tea before bed, eating/drinking less than an hour before bed aggravates my reflux. (I've advice saying to avoid eating/drinking anything 2-5 hours before bed and that's probably smarter, but regardless, tea before bed makes me hurt.) I've tried reading before bed, but books don't hold my interest and fanfic has to be on phone/computer and blue light is bad. I've tried journaling before bed to let out all the anxiety or whatever, but instead of calming down I just get more riled up. Meditating doesn't help either because I find myself focusing too hard on what's being said so I can't relax. 

 

The sleep issues seem to come and go but I can't find a common problem. Some nights I fall asleep really quickly and get like 7 hours before waking up, some nights I'm waking up constantly, some nights I just don't sleep. I know on days that I have to get up relatively early I have trouble sleeping because I'm stressed about not actually getting enough sleep that night, but that doesn't happen too often. 

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38 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Does moving the goddamn cat out of my spot every night count as a ritual? No matter where in my room he's sleeping, if he sees me grabbing my toothbrush/etc he'll get up and move to my side of the bed while I'm in the bathroom.

 

You're so lucky~~~ Sounds like the perfect way to wind down before bed to me. :D

 

 

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It is hard to have the drive to do much of anything when you are tired. I know it is much easier for me to give into whatever when I am tired. Hopefully, you can get some sleep, and tomorrow can be a fresh start.

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5 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've tried reading before bed, but books don't hold my interest and fanfic has to be on phone/computer and blue light is bad.

Not that it'll do wonders, but there are apps like f.lux or Twilight that will turn down the blue light to a more orange-y "candle light" hue after sundown. Maybe that's something to consider/try?

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've tried reading before bed, but books don't hold my interest and fanfic has to be on phone/computer and blue light is bad. I've tried journaling before bed to let out all the anxiety or whatever, but instead of calming down I just get more riled up. Meditating doesn't help either because I find myself focusing too hard on what's being said so I can't relax. 

 

I know this is an n=1 situation, but I read before bed on my phone all the time and the only issues I have falling asleep are related to when the book ends up being a really good one. This sounds like a case of good, better, best. If you already aren't sleeping well, is there any harm in trying to create a ritual that includes reading on your phone?

 

Also, I did not fact checking, but found this article that I think is relevant for you. 

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6 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

I know this is an n=1 situation, but I read before bed on my phone all the time and the only issues I have falling asleep are related to when the book ends up being a really good one. This sounds like a case of good, better, best. If you already aren't sleeping well, is there any harm in trying to create a ritual that includes reading on your phone?

 

Also, I did not fact checking, but found this article that I think is relevant for you. 

Same, I use a kindle though...my wife is on her phone constantly, especially before bedtime and never has an issue (she can sleep anywhere though so bad example)

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11 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

Not that it'll do wonders, but there are apps like f.lux or Twilight that will turn down the blue light to a more orange-y "candle light" hue after sundown. Maybe that's something to consider/try?

 

Yeah I started using Twilight after my doctor mentioned the phone light effect and I did some reading about it. Honestly not sure I noticed an improvement, but it certainly didn't hurt and it took like 5 min to set up. I think android and iOS even have that option integrated now so you don't need an app anymore.

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23 hours ago, Tateman said:

It is hard to have the drive to do much of anything when you are tired. I know it is much easier for me to give into whatever when I am tired. Hopefully, you can get some sleep, and tomorrow can be a fresh start.

 

20 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

Not that it'll do wonders, but there are apps like f.lux or Twilight that will turn down the blue light to a more orange-y "candle light" hue after sundown. Maybe that's something to consider/try?

 

16 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I know this is an n=1 situation, but I read before bed on my phone all the time and the only issues I have falling asleep are related to when the book ends up being a really good one. This sounds like a case of good, better, best. If you already aren't sleeping well, is there any harm in trying to create a ritual that includes reading on your phone?

 

Also, I did not fact checking, but found this article that I think is relevant for you. 

 

10 hours ago, RES said:

Same, I use a kindle though...my wife is on her phone constantly, especially before bedtime and never has an issue (she can sleep anywhere though so bad example)

 

8 hours ago, Severine said:

Yeah I started using Twilight after my doctor mentioned the phone light effect and I did some reading about it. Honestly not sure I noticed an improvement, but it certainly didn't hurt and it took like 5 min to set up. I think android and iOS even have that option integrated now so you don't need an app anymore.

 

 

Cool, so it sounds like my problem isn't the phone itself, but rather the fact that I keep yelling at myself to put the phone down because it's bad. That tracks. I've had night shift mode enabled on my phone since I got it 2 years ago, so it changes the colors from sunset to sunrise. Totally forgot it was a thing until I went to go check; had I remembered I would have realized that the phone is probably not as bad for me as I imagined. Well then, I guess I'm gonna start reading on my phone and see what happens. Goodbye, battery life.

 

On that note, it's 1:15 and I'm somehow not tired but I'm gonna attempt bedtime anyway. Fat kitty is MIA so maybe I'll get the bed to myself for a while.

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