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Zaethe

Dalish Reconvenes

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Life updates in spoilers.

 

Spoiler

It's been a hell of a year.  I had a lot of plans, I did a lot of things, and I was generally starting to feel like my life was getting in order.  Then I ended up on a plane back to England, where I ended up being the sole pillar of support for my dying mother, while my two siblings went about their daily lives.  Once she passed, it then fell to me to get her affairs in order and get my brother sorted out and on a plane back to Australia with me, with kept me living in her house for two months after she passed.  For 3.5 months I had no time to think or catch my breath, my entire waking life was focused on getting things done for other people.

 

I've been home for three weeks now, and the quiet and space to decompress has led to an overflow of stress, anxiety and just overall falling-apart-ness.  I'm continually taking antihistamines because I keep breaking out in hives as a stress response.  I've been re-prescribed SSRIs for the anxiety.  They seem to be working so far, but I've only had them a few days so it's too early to tell.

 

What I do know is that I'm the heaviest I've ever been.  I'm over 400lbs.  Just inability to do everything and also make healthy choices.  I'm pretty miserable with it but also understanding of the steps that led me to this point.  The only way to go is forwards, so there's no point in lamenting over it too much.

 

So the aim for the end of the year, is to just...reconvene.  Come back to an understanding with myself, who I am and where I'm going.  Retouch on the things I love and enjoy, and rediscover the little things that make me happy again.  

 

Because of that, very little is set in stone in terms of goals this returning challenge, but there are a couple of them.

 

New goals:  

 

1) Get up before 9am every day.

 

2)  Take my meds every day.

 

3)  Spend some time with myself every day (off the internet).

 

4)  Drink at least one bottle of water every day.

 

Old goals:

 

Spoiler

Goal 1: Do something I enjoy every day that is NOT internet related for at least 20 minutes.

 

I love the internet.  I know I love the internet.  But I'm retreating into it, which is something I haven't done in years.  I can spend hours on instagram or playing WoW, I know this.  But there are so many other great things I enjoy that I'm letting fall be the wayside.  Hiding in the internet is how I end up miserable and unproductive.

 

Goal 2: Be active every day.

 

Sunshine makes me happy.  Exercise makes me happy.  Completing a workout gives me a sense of accomplishment that finishing a game never has.  Getting activity back into my routine has to be a central point of focus.

 

Goal 3: No dairy.  No takeout.  

 

Reflux makes me miserable.  I ate KFC a little while ago and now my chest hurts and the gas buildup is just overall unpleasant.  I hate feeling like this, and it's entirely within my control to keep myself not feeling like this.

 

 

I'm not expecting perfection of myself.  That never helps anything.  But I'm expecting myself to really try, not just let my brain persuade me into just one more cheat day after the next one.  

 

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oof, what a mess. I'm sorry the whole thing with your mom was so stressful. Glad you're home and can start focusing on yourself again. <3

 

I walked into it knowing that it was going to be rough, if I'm honest.  But I was expecting time to adjust and deal, I'd been kept very much in the dark by her on how bad things were.  So while I was expecting about nine months with her to say goodbye and really get things in order over a longer period of time, she was gone within the month and everything kicked into overdrive.

 

I'm glad to be home too, thanks <3.  Now I need to remember HOW to focus on myself again :P 

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1 minute ago, Dalish said:

 

I walked into it knowing that it was going to be rough, if I'm honest.  But I was expecting time to adjust and deal, I'd been kept very much in the dark by her on how bad things were.  So while I was expecting about nine months with her to say goodbye and really get things in order over a longer period of time, she was gone within the month and everything kicked into overdrive.

 

I'm glad to be home too, thanks <3.  Now I need to remember HOW to focus on myself again :P 

I feel you. Not quite the same situation, but my mother was convinced that no matter what she did, chemo would keep her alive until... idek, until she was ready to stop? So of course when I moved home it was into a clusterfuck of epic proportions, and short-lived. 

 

I believe in you! You can do it!

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I kinda tanked a bit today.  I could hide behind the zero week excuse but fact of the matter is that I just couldn't be bothered and I let myself get away with it.  So I had takeout for lunch, and I did no activity.  Not a strong start, really.

 

I did, however, spend almost an hour pencilling in the start of next year's bullet journal, ready for recording soon.  And got instagram up and moving.  So one out of three is something.

 

 

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Welcome back

I wouldn't say you tanked on day one. Yes you ate out, but you spent time off the interwebs working on your bullet journal. I think that is improvement since it is part of your goal 1. That is better than 0 out of three

Good luck this challenge.

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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Welcome back

I wouldn't say you tanked on day one. Yes you ate out, but you spent time off the interwebs working on your bullet journal. I think that is improvement since it is part of your goal 1. That is better than 0 out of three

Good luck this challenge.

 

Yep, I gave myself credit for one out of three for sure.  The reason I say I kinda tanked is because greasy food is a major reflux trigger, so I feel a hundred times worse than if I'd say, taken myself to subway (which would have been JUST as convenient and was literally three seconds drive down the road).  So I not only let convenience win, but I actively chose something that I knew would make me feel terrible.  It's a real bad habit to have :P 

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8 hours ago, Dalish said:

 

Yep, I gave myself credit for one out of three for sure.  The reason I say I kinda tanked is because greasy food is a major reflux trigger, so I feel a hundred times worse than if I'd say, taken myself to subway (which would have been JUST as convenient and was literally three seconds drive down the road).  So I not only let convenience win, but I actively chose something that I knew would make me feel terrible.  It's a real bad habit to have :P 

 

I know that habit. we do it sometimes. Its simpler to put everyone in the car, drive 15-30 minutes, eat out, then drive back than make dinner. Ugh, something we are working on too. Hopefully today is going better

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8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

I know that habit. we do it sometimes. Its simpler to put everyone in the car, drive 15-30 minutes, eat out, then drive back than make dinner. Ugh, something we are working on too. Hopefully today is going better

 

Yeah it's the dumbest habit.  I can't even attribute it to laziness because it wouldn't be any more or less lazy to make the better choice there.  It's just making bad choices.  Its all a process, though.

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You've had it really rough lately. I'll be following along.

 

The more the merrier!  I'm less likely to jump wilfully off the wagon if I know people are watching :P 

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In good news, I managed to subvert my "I got paid today I should just buy lunch" mentality by being too lazy to close all the doors and windows to get in the car, so I made ramen.  Productive way to handle a bad habit?  Nope.  But I'll take it anyway.

 

In irritating news, the hives aren't going away, and today they seem worse.  The last bout of meds didn't do much for them so I went to the pharmacist for a recommendation, because there's live five or six different types of antihistamines.  What he gave me, to replace my 24 hour non drowsy antihistamine, is a 6 hour drowsy antihistamine that reacts with my Lexapro to pretty much knock me out.  So I can't take that, if I want to ever be able to get anything done.  So I had to go to ANOTHER pharmacist, get a second recommendation for another 24 hour non drowsy one.  Which so far isn't doing a damn thing.  I love itching.  Itching is great.

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Hooray for not buying lunch! Boo for the hives though. :( that’s miserable. 

 

We're at about two weeks of them right now.  Had bloods taken this morning to see if there's an allergy reaction they can see without a full prick test.  Knowing my luck I'm going to be allergic to something dumb that I can't actually cut out of my life like water or sunshine, and then I'm gonna be itchy forever!

 

That's partly exasperation talking, I don't genuinely think that, but sometimes it feels like it.

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12 hours ago, Dalish said:

 

We're at about two weeks of them right now.  Had bloods taken this morning to see if there's an allergy reaction they can see without a full prick test.  Knowing my luck I'm going to be allergic to something dumb that I can't actually cut out of my life like water or sunshine, and then I'm gonna be itchy forever!

 

That's partly exasperation talking, I don't genuinely think that, but sometimes it feels like it.

I had a friend who was allergic to water. I’m sure if it were that you’d’ve noticed before now. :) I hear you though. It’s just one more thing on top of all the rest. I hope they get you some answers soon!

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Good luck getting some answers. I will say I have had a stress reaction before (a few years ago, when my grandmother was dying) that I would break out in hives and scratch that spot till it bleed. I am hoping you don't have that. Although If I put benadryl on it, it did help some.

And I understand the pain of getting antihistamines figured out. My body reacts weird to meds, so finding one that works correctly can be difficult. Hopefully they find something soon that helps.

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15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

I had a friend who was allergic to water. I’m sure if it were that you’d’ve noticed before now. :) I hear you though. It’s just one more thing on top of all the rest. I hope they get you some answers soon!

 

The problem with allergies is that they're not always like, a lifelong thing.  Developing them randomly isn't unheard of.  Right now the working theories are: the cat, the heat, just stress response to everything going on, or I'm developing a super plague.  :P 

 

7 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Good luck getting some answers. I will say I have had a stress reaction before (a few years ago, when my grandmother was dying) that I would break out in hives and scratch that spot till it bleed. I am hoping you don't have that. Although If I put benadryl on it, it did help some.

And I understand the pain of getting antihistamines figured out. My body reacts weird to meds, so finding one that works correctly can be difficult. Hopefully they find something soon that helps.

 

I've been getting stress response hives for...lord, years, when things get real bad.  But they usually come and go in a day.  These are really lingering, and the temptation to scratch is just so strong.  Aloe helps for short periods of time, but the antihistamines aren't doing their job at all.  Which is....concerning.

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Took the strong antihistamine last night and promptly slept for 11 hours.  Grand.  Woke up just fine, at a reasonable hour, and took my SSRI.

 

I've been SO high all day that I actually had this window open for three hours and forgot what I was doing, so promptly stared off into space and went off to do other things.  No bueno.  Those ones are gonna have to be my emergency nothing-else-is-helping-and-lord-I-just-need-to-sleep ones.

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Not only did I get takeout, but I realised after I'd ordered it that it had cheese in it.  But honestly, I've been so out of it today that I don't blame me in the slightest.  

 

I didn't actually DO anything that wasn't playing WoW or cooking dinner today, but I spent like, two hours staring at walls (no, literally) so I'm counting that as time offline.

 

Since I got back I've started putting my phone down and ignoring it for the day, I don't end up picking it up until about 6 ish at night.  And I'm really liking it to be honest.  I don't have any friends here, so there's no one texting me, and the only person who calls is my brother for the most inane ridiculous things.  Seriously, he called tonight to see whether I thought he should wear a white shirt or a blue shirt.  So disconnecting from that little bit of technology has been nice and a big weight off if I'm honest.

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I traded takeout for dashing out before my morning meds could make me unable to drive anywhere and buying a loaf of bread.  I end up with this cocktail so bleh that making a sandwich is about the maximum of my capabilities.  Right now I'll take it, and chalk it up to a "it's not dairy or takeout" win.

 

I'm adjusting slowly, today wasn't as nearly as incapable of basic human function as yesterday was.  And the hives have gone down for now, so that's a great thing.

 

It's like, 10pm, so I'm wilting.  Not used to being up this late.  tis bedtime.

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It's been....a day.  Not a bad day, but also a bad day.  Just a day.

 

Weekends are by default the roughest time for me, because Dad is home, so I struggle to actually get much done.  Not that he gets in my way or breathes down my neck about anything usually, but because I'm so hyper vigilant and anxious about him doing that.  The times that he does make snide commentary really get under my skin, so I just avoid it at all costs.

 

But beyond that, there are habits that seem to have not been shaken by leaving for months.  Namely the Saturday morning run to McDonalds.  Didn't even think about it until I was dealing with the reflux afterwards.  Which is a big problem.  If it's so ingrained in my habits that it isn't a thought process, then that's a real issue.  So it needs to stop right now.

 

Then I stuffed burgers with cheese tonight.  Admittedly, less than a teaspoon of creamcheese, as a binding agent for the rest.  But it wasn't a necessary dairy, I could've done without it just fine.  The burgers themselves, though, were fab.  It's so nice to be back in my kitchen where I can control what goes in the food.  I just need to translate that to all meals, not just the evening one.

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39 minutes ago, Dalish said:

 The times that he does make snide commentary really get under my skin, so I just avoid it at all costs.

Give you luck on the weekends, and fully understand this. For me at least it always seems to be a weak point that hits the hardest, I do hope things get better as times goes on. 

 

41 minutes ago, Dalish said:

Namely the Saturday morning run to McDonalds.  Didn't even think about it until I was dealing with the reflux afterwards.  Which is a big problem.  If it's so ingrained in my habits that it isn't a thought process, then that's a real issue.  So it needs to stop right now.

You noticed a habit that can be replaced! Which is great, did you think of perhaps what you can do next Saturday that could replace a McDonalds run? Or just choosing a different items at other places?

 

 

I hope the rest of Saturday went well, and you were able to take time for yourself! 

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Blood tests came back, it's a grass allergy.  Yay.  

 

Also extra blood tests needed for allergy responses to wheat, soybeans, egg whites, milk and peanuts.  Yay.

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Well, it stinks that is grass and possibly the others, but at least its a start on what is making you so itchy. Hopefully you can get an anti-histamine that will help but not put you to sleep.

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