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Dalish

Dalish Reconvenes

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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Well, it stinks that is grass and possibly the others, but at least its a start on what is making you so itchy. Hopefully you can get an anti-histamine that will help but not put you to sleep.

 

I am glad that they did, fingers crossed.  it just blows.

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14 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm glad they identified it. 

 

Me too, but it really blows.  Since I couldn't get you and @Bean Sidhe on the same post because forums hate me today, explanation proper:

 

The exercise I really love, and one of the big things that make me happy, is hiking and the wilderness.  One of my big life goals was to do some major, specific thru hikes.  But with a grass allergy so bad it's persisting through not only antihistamines, but two separate antihistamines AND a steroid... that's just not going to happen.  It is what is is and I'll find other things in the long run, but it's just a really big blow to my bucket list.

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8 minutes ago, Dalish said:

 

Me too, but it really blows.  Since I couldn't get you and @Bean Sidhe on the same post because forums hate me today, explanation proper:

 

The exercise I really love, and one of the big things that make me happy, is hiking and the wilderness.  One of my big life goals was to do some major, specific thru hikes.  But with a grass allergy so bad it's persisting through not only antihistamines, but two separate antihistamines AND a steroid... that's just not going to happen.  It is what is is and I'll find other things in the long run, but it's just a really big blow to my bucket list.

There are allergy specialists in my city who claim to make allergy drops tailored to a specific person's allergies. Have you looked into that?

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8 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There are allergy specialists in my city who claim to make allergy drops tailored to a specific person's allergies. Have you looked into that?

 

It would be private healthcare here, which I just can't afford on my unemployed income.  A single appointment is about $500, and even with medicare rebates, I'd only get $140 of that back max.

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15 minutes ago, Dalish said:

 

It would be private healthcare here, which I just can't afford on my unemployed income.  A single appointment is about $500, and even with medicare rebates, I'd only get $140 of that back max.

Ewwww, that's expensive.

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2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Ewwww, that's expensive.

 

Yup, that's how Australian healthcare works unfortunately.  Basic care I get for free, and some stuff because I'm unemployed like dental and eyecare, but anything specialist is almost always full cost with minimal rebates.  If I want to see a shrink it'll set me back $900 a session and I'll get $200 ish back.  If I need an emergency trip to the hospital, the care is free but the ambulance ride will cost me $100+

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On 11/19/2018 at 2:28 AM, Dalish said:

falling-apart-ness

 

This is a real thing and should be an official medical diagnosis because everyone experiences it at some point in their life. If they don't, they are either a) lying about it or 2) completely sheltered from reality. 

 

I'm glad to see you back. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

giphy.gif

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Oof. Hooray for an answer, at least? FWIW I've heard that allergies can develop and/or disappear every 7 years, so maybe it won't be forever? And I've also read about people whose allergies got better as they cleaned up their diets and such. Totally not a doctor and I could be wrong, but it sounds like there could be hope as you get the rest of your stuff sorted out. 

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Aww glad you got an answer, and sucks your kryptonite is against your goals... I personally get hay fever like symptoms when I don't watch myself, but there is ways to work with it. 

I hope you find a way to get an answer that doesn't cost thousands of dollars (except to go hike a desert or a Tundra, grass would be minimum there right?)

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Washed all of my sheets and such today, just in case there was any grassy polleny bits on them.  Feels nice to be cuddled up in fresh sheets.

 

Spent about an hour working on my 2019 bujo transfer today, which was nice.  It's rewarding to get it all set up and pretty ready for the new year, I'm looking forward to making it a fixture of my routine again.

 

Activity wise was mostly housework, which honestly I'm counting anything that gets me up and away from a seat as activity right now.  The amount of days I sit in a chair and do nothing but browse the internet or watch netflix is quite horrifying.

 

Almost tapped out on the no takeout this morning.  I found the disc yesterday of all the photos of my mum and like, family photos etc that my sister scanned and put onto a disc so that she could lay claim to all of the originals, because she's just like that.  Anything and everything she can get her hands on.  My brother and I actually walked away with far less than the third share of inheritance we were supposed to get and she was still trying to make grabs for the things we did take with us, namely my inheritance which was mum's cookbooks.  So I give the disc to my Dad to put onto a usb for me (because we have no cd drive at home, he had to take it to work to find a place to open it), and I get a message an hour later "There's 11 photos on this disc"

 

Now, me before meds would've lost my shit.  But since I've started taking these, I've found that I can't actually really get mad or stressed.  I had some moderate anxiety, chest ache etc, but I couldn't get mad or really upset.  Which I'm not entirely sure how I feel about in general, but for now I'm a-ok with it.  But with anxiety comes the desire to eat my feelings.  I was keys in hand and sunglasses on headed for the McDonalds down the road and justifying it to myself when I remembered how bad the reflux was last night.  So I got in the car and went to the store and got nothing good for me, but nothing with wheat in it. 

 

I did get some spelt flour wraps to try, so that will be lunch tomorrow I think.  

 

Overall, a positive day.  And me being okay with not really getting mad and upset it directly correlated to being able to laugh at funny videos and pictures, just to laugh, for like the first time in my life.  Which is a new and novel concept for me.

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I didn't get up and do active things today, really.  I figure if I'm having to rack my brain to think of something I could justify as activity, then I didn't do it.  I did take a full day to switch off, so no phone no interwebs for 12 hours.  But I just curled up with a book.

 

If I'm honest, I think the grass allergy discovery has hit me in the heart a bit harder than I would have really expected.  I really love nature.  I love the woods and the grass and the trees.  My dream future has been a little cabin in a few acres of private woodland for as long as I can remember.  I picked Dalish for my name because I'm so nomadic and love the outdoors.  And suddenly this one thing has come along and all of that is up in the air.  And I'll figure it out because I'm good at that.  But right now I almost feel like I'm grieving for lifelong dreams I may never fulfil.  And that's okay.  The last few months of this year have just been packed full of various kinds of life changing things, and I'm not letting them tie me down in one place, but giving myself time to pause and breathe isn't a terrible thing to do.

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You are wise to grieve the loss that the news of the grass allergy brings. If you let that grief process like you are doing, it will let you find ways to adapt and overcome. I don't know about things where you are, but here in the U.S. we don't often deal well with the grief of a death, and almost no one recognizes that there are other things to grieve than just death. When people don't grieve the loss imposed on them by a major life change they often get stuck wishing things could be "the way they were" rather than accepting that change has happened and finding ways to make meaning from their new reality. 

 

All that to say you are in fact grieving those life long dreams, and while the loss of the dreams is not a good thing, the grief is helpful. You mentioned other big changes, process them all and take your time.

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After spending a few days with myself and doing some serious thinking about everything going on or that has been going on since I went to say goodbye to my mom, I've decided I really came in too gung ho.

 

And that's very typical of me.  I don't try to do all of the things, but I definitely bite off more than I am capable of chewing on a very regular basis.  I set my goals with a specific mindset, that I was home now and that I could put the last three months behind me and move forward.  But to quote my very favourite book, "But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."  

 

I'm not 'picking up where I left off'.  I've progressed a few chapters ahead in the story.  They were awful chapters, terribly written and full of exposition and melodrama that contributed nothing of value to the plot, but nonetheless they happened.  I can't skip back ahead of them and rewrite them, I have to keep reading from here, and the capabilities of the protagonist have changed because of what happened in the breaking point. 

 

So this challenge needs to be broken down, and brought back to what it was supposed to be.  Reconvening with myself.  Figuring out where things are at, and where they go from here.  Everything has changed, even things I had no idea would have changed.  It's a whole new landscape to explore.

 

SO the original challenge goals: scrapped.  I was pushing myself into too much too soon after just getting home from all of that.  I don't even know who I am yet, things have to be slower.

 

New goals:  

 

1) Get up before 9am every day.

 

2)  Take my meds every day.

 

3)  Spend some time with myself every day (off the internet).

 

4)  Drink at least one bottle of water every day.

 

The barest of basics, which right now, even my foundation needs a foundation to build on.

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On 11/28/2018 at 7:35 AM, Dalish said:

And I'll figure it out because I'm good at that.  But right now I almost feel like I'm grieving for lifelong dreams I may never fulfil.  And that's okay.  The last few months of this year have just been packed full of various kinds of life changing things, and I'm not letting them tie me down in one place, but giving myself time to pause and breathe isn't a terrible thing to do.

This is a wonderful thing that you have been able to find for yourself, I am also working on getting to that point for myself. 

 

On 11/28/2018 at 7:45 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

When people don't grieve the loss imposed on them by a major life change they often get stuck wishing things could be "the way they were" rather than accepting that change has happened and finding ways to make meaning from their new reality. 

Thank you for sharing this Tank! This is something I needed to hear for my own journey :) 

 

20 hours ago, Dalish said:

And that's very typical of me.  I don't try to do all of the things, but I definitely bite off more than I am capable of chewing on a very regular basis. 

I can more than relate to this! Personally through my own NF journey, it was a long trip on figuring out what were "normal bite sizes" for myself. Not what anyone else was doing...

 

21 hours ago, Dalish said:

So this challenge needs to be broken down, and brought back to what it was supposed to be.  Reconvening with myself.  Figuring out where things are at, and where they go from here.  Everything has changed, even things I had no idea would have changed.  It's a whole new landscape to explore.

Love this wording said here! It's exactly it, I feel like anytime I come back from a break. I had to go explore a little, somethings worked out other things didn't. However one just levels up or gets experience differently!

 

21 hours ago, Dalish said:

The barest of basics, which right now, even my foundation needs a foundation to build on.

These are really good goals! Personally yes they are a foundation, but finding your level is better than tackling a boss that is a bit TOO much!

And personally I have used some of these as goals, and have had to come back to them. Especially for meds and sleep, sometimes one just forgets... 

 

 

I do hope the rest of you weekend goes super well!

You'll rock these goals!

 

 

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2 hours ago, LovelyBouncer said:

I can more than relate to this! Personally through my own NF journey, it was a long trip on figuring out what were "normal bite sizes" for myself. Not what anyone else was doing...

 

Love this wording said here! It's exactly it, I feel like anytime I come back from a break. I had to go explore a little, somethings worked out other things didn't. However one just levels up or gets experience differently!

 

These are really good goals! Personally yes they are a foundation, but finding your level is better than tackling a boss that is a bit TOO much!

And personally I have used some of these as goals, and have had to come back to them. Especially for meds and sleep, sometimes one just forgets... 

 

I do hope the rest of you weekend goes super well!

You'll rock these goals!

 

22 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are wise to adapt your challenge. Many of us try to do too much too soon. Not all of us recognize that and adapt like you did.

 

Thankyou <3 positive response and that sense of unity are such powerful things.  It's always nice to know I'm not alone and I'm not a crazy person :P 

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I set myself a 9am wake up goal, immediately the day after I sleep til 10:30 for the first time in months :P typical me.  

 

But today in general has been, better.  More positive, in general.  I'm thinking in terms of goals, not in terms of chores, and seeing a greater upswing in desire.  I ended up spending about three hours switched off from the internet completely, just pottering around my bullet journal.  Finished a couple of simple spreads, and made a good start on one of my favourite things to have in my bujo.  My happiness page is something that really helps me when I've hit a low swing, I can just flip open the page and be reminded of all these things that make me happy.  Because sometimes the effort it takes to think of these things is just too much.

 

 

Almost forgot my meds this morning.  I'm out of antihistamines though, so I'm gonna have to get some more tomorrow.  My water bottle is sitting next to my bed, and it's been refilled already today.  All in all, not too bad.  I won't complain.

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Lesson of the day:  I can't sleep unless there's actual talking youtube playing in the background, there needs to be some kind of topic being discussed.  I used to fall asleep with soft music playing, but now if I do that it gives my brain time to drift off and when I let it do that at bedtime it starts replaying all the moments and things I don't want to remember about going back to England.  Then I get lovely dreams about watching my mom die.  Which blows.

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10 hours ago, Dalish said:

Lesson of the day:  I can't sleep unless there's actual talking youtube playing in the background, there needs to be some kind of topic being discussed.  I used to fall asleep with soft music playing, but now if I do that it gives my brain time to drift off and when I let it do that at bedtime it starts replaying all the moments and things I don't want to remember about going back to England.  Then I get lovely dreams about watching my mom die.  Which blows.

If you're looking for suggestions, I've heard a lot of people talk about falling asleep to Bob Ross videos since he's so chill. 

 

High five for the new set of goals. Self-awareness for the win!

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10 hours ago, Dalish said:

Lesson of the day:  I can't sleep unless there's actual talking youtube playing in the background, there needs to be some kind of topic being discussed.  I used to fall asleep with soft music playing, but now if I do that it gives my brain time to drift off and when I let it do that at bedtime it starts replaying all the moments and things I don't want to remember about going back to England.  Then I get lovely dreams about watching my mom die.  Which blows.

Have you tried ASMR videos on Youtube?

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11 hours ago, fleaball said:

If you're looking for suggestions, I've heard a lot of people talk about falling asleep to Bob Ross videos since he's so chill. 

 

High five for the new set of goals. Self-awareness for the win!

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Have you tried ASMR videos on Youtube?

 

Thanks for the suggestions :)  I have a couple of channels with people whose voices I find quite soothing, but if I really need that go to sleep melty chocolate voice, I put on Welcome to Night Vale.  An odd choice in terms of subject matter but Cecil Baldwin has a voice like liquid silk.

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Fairly productive day, up at 9:30 in spite of not getting to sleep until around 4 ish is quite good (though the lack of sleep is not, not screwing up my sleep pattern because of it is very good, I take forever to reset when I mess up a schedule)

 

Alone time today was spent in the car, I've been holed up in the house too much, it was too hot for the in house cooling system to keep up with demand for cool air, so the AC in the car will do.  Went to officeworks, got some new pens that I wanted (gold, silver and white gel pens) for my bullet journal, and a circle stencil, because perfect circles make me happy but I don't like the holes a compass makes.  It had been a good two weeks since I just got in the car and went somewhere, I've really been hiding out, which is bad news bears for me.  Hiding in the house playing WoW is an old habit I kicked for the longest time.  What I really need to do is make some local friends, but where I am isn't the most social of cities, and I have the worst social anxiety.  So it's a bit of a sucks to be me thing, there's no real way for me to meet and make friends except finding work, which isn't easy, been looking for years.

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Glad to hear you had a productive day. And restructuring a challenge is a great idea. Its better go "This isn't going to work" and restructure it, than to go "I can make this work" and fail only to get discouraged and maybe even give up.

 

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