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Zaethe

Dalish Reconvenes

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Yesterday I woke up and decided it felt like a sweatpants and chill kinda day, so I spent a lot of time curled up comfortably with a book.  Which was nice, and the first time in a long time I've just sat and consciously relaxed.

 

Today's me-time was again spent in the car.  I picked up some rainbow dyed wool, and some flea stuff for the kitty.  I'm going to teach myself to crochet, mum was always planning to teach me but she was just too sick and it never happened, so gotta learn myself.  And I bought Dad's Christmas present, which is just a little retro game controller with 200 retro games programmed into it.

 

It's pretty great to have been finding my rhythm again, the only real issue I'm having that I'm sort of adapting to slowly is that when I'm having a good and productive day my primary reaction is to talk to my mum on facebook.  

 

Dad left me a message saying if I wanted to go spend christmas with my brother in Adelaide I could find a ticket and he would pay my fare, but even though I kind of feel like a crappy person about it I don't want to go.  Not that I don't appreciate the offer, but I was gone from July to October, and putting everyone else first for that whole time.  Being the eldest has a metric ton of responsibility.  And while yes, it will suck for my brother to spend his first Christmas without my mum, it's also my first Christmas without her too, and I don't want to spend it in a strange place with a bunch of family I've never met before (he had met them before, but I was already living in Aus when they visited my mum).  And I just need to put me first for a while.

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7 hours ago, Dalish said:

Dad left me a message saying if I wanted to go spend christmas with my brother in Adelaide I could find a ticket and he would pay my fare, but even though I kind of feel like a crappy person about it I don't want to go.  Not that I don't appreciate the offer, but I was gone from July to October, and putting everyone else first for that whole time.  Being the eldest has a metric ton of responsibility.  And while yes, it will suck for my brother to spend his first Christmas without my mum, it's also my first Christmas without her too, and I don't want to spend it in a strange place with a bunch of family I've never met before (he had met them before, but I was already living in Aus when they visited my mum).  And I just need to put me first for a while.

Good for you.

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Up on time, water drank, time spent nose in my bujo, pills taken.  But I still have this terrible niggling feeling like I forgot to do something I'd planned to do today.  It's grating on me.  I mean either way the day is over now so it's not getting done whatever it is.

 

Woke up feeling allergy-y, which is blech.  Starting to notice that these random things I always thought were pretty normal, like itching eyes to the point of burning and random sniffles, are actually allergy responses.  Yay for obliviousness.  Had to go to the store and get more antihistamines, which honestly don't really seem to do much at all.  But better to take them than not and find out just how much they really do help.

 

Oh and my brother called to let me know he drove his new car home.  I mean, really.  That's what messaging is for.  I loathe being on the phone, especially when I'm feeling crappy.  If it's important or for an actual serious conversation sure, but if you could fit your news in less than a tweet for goodness sake just text me.

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Laawd I did not want to wake up this morning, snoozed my alarm right the way through to 8:50 before I hauled my ass outta bed.  Took myself back to the craft store to pick up knitting needles, and then spent the evening actually doing said knitting, which is an uncommon occurence for me.  I'm one of those 'best intentions' kind of people, I get things with the best intentions, and then they gather dust for the next six months because the timing isn't right somehow.

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Very typical Saturday for me, though overslept til 9:30 for once.  Skipped breakfast because just wasn't feeling great, itchy eyes and snuffly noses mean antihistamines with the morning meds.  Chicken pasta and salad for lunch, and a couple of chicken sausages for dinner, nothing overly fancy.  I've had to drop my portion sizes since I got back because I just can't eat as much as I used to.  This is definitely not a bad thing, portioning was definitely on the larger side before.

 

No me myself and I time today, my poor fingers needed a rest.  I knit quite tightly and as a result my fingers get hella sore.  So I ended up playing WoW and losing track of time.  It's not the end of the world as long as it's not an everyday occurence.

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I think I've hit a point where I'm done.  Personal rant/vent of sorts.

 

I pinged my sister over a week ago, just to check in on her.  No response.  I've just now discovered through facebook that she's had notification of how much was raised in donations at Mum's cremation (we asked for donations to cancer research, rather than flowers).  Which she posted about days ago.  No letting me know, and I highly doubt she's talked to our brother either.

 

This is really the straw that's breaking the camel's back for me.  After I went back to the UK she completely checked out, we saw her once in the time between me getting there and Mum going into end of life hospice.  Dalish is there, Dalish will do it all.  And when I confronted her about it she 'didn't have time' for reasons she couldn't vocalise to me and went as far as to tell our brother she didn't think Mum was as sick as I was making her out to be.  But the minute Mum was in hospice suddenly she could make all the time in the world, guilt is a marvellous thing.  She then locked us out of the funeral arrangements completely, we were expected to pay a third of it but she set herself as to sole point of contact.  We couldn't even go see our Mum if we wanted to without her verbal consent to let us through the door.  The funeral went from the small simple affair Mum wanted to nearly four grand of elaborate nonsense we knew nothing about.  She tried to overrule our music which was the one piece of input we managed to get was a single song each.  Then after the funeral the only time we saw her was when she came over to sit down and go through all of Mum's jewellery, of which she got every piece she wanted except for the two rings Mum left for me specifically.  Everything was supposed to be split three ways, but in the end she got the lion's share because we had to ship everything we were keeping, and she still tried to take the only other part of my inheritance I took (Mum's recipe book).  Never mind that she kept Mum's wedding dress, all of her wedding rings, her most precious jewellery pieces and all of the pieces my stepdad (her dad) bought for Mum, most of her cooking appliances, all of the original copies of almost all the photos (I managed to keep two), all of her clothes, shoes, ornaments and cherished little knick knacks that Mum had collected over the years.  She had to have mine too, and I was selfish for telling her no.

 

My grandmother has already cut me off, because the women of my family line (my mother included) have always been amazingly adept at dripping poison in the ears of others, and she's decided that my sister is the hard done by golden child.  And at this point, I just think I'm done.  There's no glue holding the dysfunction that is that side of the family together anymore, and we've never really gotten along.  I'm not intending to try anymore, there won't be any more messages sent.  

 

When rot has overtaken a tree trunk, you have two basic choices how to proceed: attempt to save the tree, or let it go and purge the disease from the area.  I've tried to save this tree for so long that if I'm not careful I'm going to have to cull the forest.  

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4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm sorry your Family of Origin is so toxic. FWIW I think you are right to cut ties. You are half a world away, and it doesn't sound like that's quite far enough.

 

Thanks.  I'm unfortunate enough to also be surrounded by people who subscribe to the "They're family, stick by them no matter what" mentality.  Whereas I'm more of an "if someone doesn't enrich your life, they shouldn't be part of it" person.  So I get a lot of lectures about how terrible of a person I am to be considering cutting ties with family.

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27 minutes ago, Dalish said:

 

Thanks.  I'm unfortunate enough to also be surrounded by people who subscribe to the "They're family, stick by them no matter what" mentality.  Whereas I'm more of an "if someone doesn't enrich your life, they shouldn't be part of it" person.  So I get a lot of lectures about how terrible of a person I am to be considering cutting ties with family.

Not sure who those surrounding you are, but they are either very fortunate to have all healthy family members, or they are the same sort of toxic and are saying that because they want people sticking by them. 

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1 hour ago, Dalish said:

 

Thanks.  I'm unfortunate enough to also be surrounded by people who subscribe to the "They're family, stick by them no matter what" mentality.  Whereas I'm more of an "if someone doesn't enrich your life, they shouldn't be part of it" person.  So I get a lot of lectures about how terrible of a person I am to be considering cutting ties with family.

Fuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaat. Shitty people don’t get a pass just because you’re unfortunate enough to share genetic material with them. 

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8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Not sure who those surrounding you are, but they are either very fortunate to have all healthy family members, or they are the same sort of toxic and are saying that because they want people sticking by them. 

 

My Dad is the main one, and I live with him so I don't get to tell him to just stick it.  He's actually not said anything about this one, which is a first.  I think he's had some very good insight into my sister from hearing about her while I was over there.

 

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Fuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaat. Shitty people don’t get a pass just because you’re unfortunate enough to share genetic material with them. 

 

Yup, I'm on board with that 100%.

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Definitely screwed my sleep pattern.  10:30 wake up time today, and now it's gonna be a struggle to get it back in order.  Beyond that it's been a very productive day of nothing really eventful.  There's a knitting/crochet group that meets in the local library every Tuesday that I'm thinking about going to.  Haven't decided yet, I'll make a snap decision when I wake up I think.

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9:30 wake up today, and tonight I've got to try and settle down in about half an hour.  Up at 6.  Which is fine by me in theory, I like being up early in the morning, 6 is about my ideal wake up time.  It's just the getting there that's always a stress.  Dad has to take the car in for service at 7:30am on Friday, and I'm not about to try and follow him into the city and then drive him to work after just rolling out of bed.  SO changing my sleep pattern now qill only do me favours.

 

Also uninstalled pokemon go, since I can't use it really.  Reinstalling zombies run in it's place, since I can use that without gps.  

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Nothing has ever made me appreciate grocery shopping like being stuck in a situation where I couldn't cook for three months.  I just picked up my grocery order and now my freezer has 8.5 bags of veggies in it (about 5kg/11lbs of veggies)  Plus another 3.5kg of good meats, and my spice rack is so full I can't fit some of them on the shelf anymore.  Life is good.

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Got up at 7:45.  Better than 10:45 but still not as early as I need to get up on Friday.  In fact if I got up then I'd be irretrievably late.  So try again in the morning.

 

And my brother just pinged me in a tizzy because he's accidentally shattered the screen on his ipad.  When I ask him how, "Accidentally stood on it"

 

giphy.gif

 

Apparently he had it on the bed yesterday, put it on the floor last night because he couldn't be bothered to move it to the dresser AT THE END OF THE BED.  And then forgot to do it today.  And I'm trying to be the empathetic big sister and all, because he's stressed that it was a gift from mum etc.  But in my head I'm just like...how do you treat a precious, valuable thing like that?  If it's so precious to you that you're having a breakdown over it, don't put it on the bloody floor in the first place

 

I should add that this boy is 22 years old.  He's not a child, nor even a teenager.  He's just been so coddled that he's completely incompetent.  He calls me to ask what colour of shirt he should wear.  He is pure bone idle laziness, has never had a job, paid his own bills, managed his own income, nada.  But if I try in any way to point out "Hey, maybe a $120 a month phone contract isn't the best use of your limited income when you could get the previous model o phone for $50 a month less."  or "Hey just because you have money in savings doesn't mean you need to buy another set of bluetooth headphones because yours are still in shipping, and you don't need to buy a samsung smart watch to replace your fitbit" then it goes in one ear and out the other with some very ridiculous excuse (the fitbit excuse was that mum got him the fitbit and he wanted to put it on his dresser in memorial of her.  WEAR IT AND THEN YOU HAVE MEMORY WHEREVER YOU GO)  He's blown through almost 7k in savings in a month and a half.

 

He's been warned, if he ends up out on the street then I haven't got the space or money to help him.  It's unfortunate but I just don't.  I'm trying to find work myself, and I live with my Dad in a very small 2bed house.

 

I feel like sometimes I became a mother when I didn't sign up for the position.  And I know exactly what she would want me to do, but I just cannot and will not baby him and hold his hand.  

 

 

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It's been all in all a quiet and simple day.  Almost forgot my pills which was surprising, I've not had an issue with that so far.

 

It feels weird to be almost three weeks into a challenge and still here :P  the last couple of times I've hopped into a challenge I've not made it this far because of life stuff.  It's a positive weird feeling but still, weird.

 

My snoopybook has made a return to my desk the last few days.  The snoopybook is where I keep all my worldbuilding and plotting for the story I've been working on for...far too long.  Every time I start to write it something crazy happens and I end up backburnering it.  

 

 

 

It being back on my desk is a really significant positive step for me.  This is the story I've been itching to write for years, and the fact I keep coming back to it tells me that it's important.  Writing it matters to me, and I need to commit to it as much as I need to commit to living a more active, healthier lifestyle.

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eurgh I feel like a bundle of allergies constantly.  I love this season but lord I'd like to stop feeling like junk.

 

I've been trying to feel better since last week and it's just not happening.  Still keeping up with my goals but just trying not to itch all day has been more of my priority than checking in has.

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Four days left of this challenge, eleven for the year in total.  This is the point where I start looking ahead and evaluating everything.  It's pretty much a reflexive thing.

 

It's been a helluva year, both the highs and the lows have been ultimately life changing in different ways.  Taking the positive away from it, I'm finding that my focus has really settled into a more peaceful, far less anxiety riddled and erratic headspace.  I'm placing a lot more importance on happiness and peaceful self than I am expectation.  I'm finding that I like it that way far more. 

 

I'm taking small steps in overcoming this mentality of earning worthiness.  It's been a lifelong problem that permeates pretty much every aspect of my life.  I'll spend time at the beach when I've lost weight.  I'll buy pretty clothes when I've dropped a dress size.  Et cetera.  And with NF, my big one has been that I'll pick a guild when I've felt like I've earned it.  The problem with this is that there's no personal guideline I've set for me to have 'earned' it.  So I'm basically just depriving myself of the things and places I would be happy with because I don't value myself enough.  Which is a /really/ unhealthy approach, hooray for large doses of self loathing.

 

Next challenge, for me, will be with the Druids.  Which is where I've wanted to be for ages, but not felt like I was druidy enough yet to be there.  A cliche as new year - new me is, I get the appeal.  The year is drawing to a close and at the same time I've been approaching this new chapter of living where I focus more on me rather than everything I'm expected to do and be.  It's quite thrilling, really.

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3 hours ago, Dalish said:

 

Next challenge, for me, will be with the Druids.  Which is where I've wanted to be for ages, but not felt like I was druidy enough yet to be there.  A cliche as new year - new me is, I get the appeal.  The year is drawing to a close and at the same time I've been approaching this new chapter of living where I focus more on me rather than everything I'm expected to do and be.  It's quite thrilling, really.

You don't join a guild once you feel like you belong, you join a guild to get help getting where you want to be.

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13 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You don't join a guild once you feel like you belong, you join a guild to get help getting where you want to be.

 

Knowing this in theory and doing it in practice are not the same thing for me.  In theory I know that I can join any guild and do anything I want.  In practice a heavy combination of severe social anxiety and inability to effectively gauge self worth make it a whole different ball game.  Nothing is stopping me from doing anything I want to do except for me, but Me is a pretty bulky gatekeeper with self esteem issues.

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Mad how fast this challenge came and went.  Barely feels like two weeks, never mind twice that.  The end date for it is good though, since the 24th is Mum's birthday, so there will probably be a drink or three that day.  Then a week later it's my birthday.  Which seems outrageous, but it always does.  I still don't feel 30 sometimes, other times I feel more like 60.

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