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Salinger

Salinger's seventeenth challenge!

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Hello! Its the build up to Christmas!

 

I love this time of year if i'm honest, I love thinking of presents to get my family, I love open fires in cosy pubs, fairy lights, berry scented candles, wearing oversized jumpers, crisp mornings and hopefully a little bit of snow!!

 

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Look how pretty it is eeeeeek!! 

 

However, the dark nights bring demons to my door, and my depression & anxiety escalates most evenings. I need to work on this, find ways to self care, and to prepare for it. 

 

There is no structure to this challenge, (as ever) I just need to survive. And enjoy the build up to christmas. I will go home on Christmas eve, to my parents. Im a little worried (as i mentioned in the previous challenge) for the Christmas walks we have as a family. Im very unfit and it is embarrassing to not keep up and be so out of breath. I want to use this month before i head back, to build up some fitness, if at all possible. 

 

So my goals:

 

  • Go to the gym 3 times per week. 
  • Cycle round the block 5 times per week. (further if time) 
  • Go to Heaton Park 1 time per week. 
  • Keep diet on track. Be aware of what I am eating. 
  • Drink more water. 
  • Meditate each night (15 minutes) 

 

The fitness stuff may be difficult at first BUT i need to ramp it up and get into the habit. Or i wont gain any fitness... my week is Monday to Monday so this is the start for me. 

 

Im doing well with work so i havent put in any work related goals. (this month by the 16th, i will find out about my funding application *gulp*) 

 

Ok....DONE!

 

tenor.gif

 

xx

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GOOD MORNING! Its is just past 10am here, pretty cold and dark still. Cloudy. Not like yesterday where the sun was shining. 

 

Yesterday was pretty good, i  finished off a proposal and sent it. I watched the football. I had the fire on so was all warm. I also cooked a roast for myself and Ste (housemate) he isnt very well, (he is in bed off work today) so it felt good to look after him haha. He was really appreciative. Forgot to take a photo of the finished article....how annoying. But here is some prep. 

 

Roast potatoes, about to go into the oven. And some veggies.

 

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It was delicious!!!!

 

AND my bike arrived yesterday afternoon woooohooooooo. I mean. Its red, which could be an issue for me :P (football related issues) but i love it.

 

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I aim to go on a ride later today, need to adjust the seat though, so will need to find a spanner from somewhere. Plus im not used to mountain bike style bikes, i used to have a road bike. But still, im sort of excited!

 

Got some chores to do like go to the post office, go to the bank, call the doctors etc and then of course work to do. But im trying to keep in decent spirits and not panic. Or let the anxiety wash over me fully. 

 

Have a great day everyone! x

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2 hours ago, Salinger said:

Its red, which could be an issue for me :P 

Red is my favourite colour :P  nothing to do with Football, mind, because I don't like football :lol: 

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Following!! 

 

2 hours ago, Salinger said:

Im very unfit and it is embarrassing to not keep up and be so out of breath. I want to use this month before i head back, to build up some fitness, if at all possible.

 

Don't be embarrassed, Sal. The fact you go KNOWING you're unfit says a lot. Most people would just stay home and forfeit the walk altogether. There's plenty of time to get some wind in your sails until the Christmas walks with your fam. Bike rides and daily walks will help a ton because cardio is easy to obtain (but easier to lose as well). I know you can do it, Sal! You got this! 

 

Wolf

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*sends every hug* You can do this, Sal! 

 

i don't want to be pushy, so of course feel free to ignore if you want, but how about some positive motivations on top of the fear of embarrassment? You could exercise because you know it'll help you feel better in the longterm, or because then you'll be able to better enjoy walks/longer walks, because riding the bike will be more fun once you build up stamina...something for you, mon amie <3

 

as always, your cooking sounds great!

 

*enthusiastically shakes pom poms for you*

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9 minutes ago, Miaulin said:

*sends every hug* You can do this, Sal! 

 

i don't want to be pushy, so of course feel free to ignore if you want, but how about some positive motivations on top of the fear of embarrassment? You could exercise because you know it'll help you feel better in the longterm, or because then you'll be able to better enjoy walks/longer walks, because riding the bike will be more fun once you build up stamina...something for you, mon amie <3

 

as always, your cooking sounds great!

 

*enthusiastically shakes pom poms for you*

 

As I get older, this also becomes “will I be able to get myself off the tiolet in 20 years?”  After watching family members decline, and be stubborn about doing P.T. i am determined to be aboe to get myself up & down on my own in my later years.

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2 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Red is my favourite colour :P  nothing to do with Football, mind, because I don't like football :lol: 

 

hahaah :)

 

1 hour ago, Wolfpool said:

Following!! 

 

 

Don't be embarrassed, Sal. The fact you go KNOWING you're unfit says a lot. Most people would just stay home and forfeit the walk altogether. There's plenty of time to get some wind in your sails until the Christmas walks with your fam. Bike rides and daily walks will help a ton because cardio is easy to obtain (but easier to lose as well). I know you can do it, Sal! You got this! 

 

Wolf

 

Thank you Wolfie <3 

 

56 minutes ago, Rinna said:

You can do it, girl.  But you have to do it, in order to do it.   ;) 

 

Yes, i must do it!!

 

41 minutes ago, Miaulin said:

*sends every hug* You can do this, Sal! 

 

i don't want to be pushy, so of course feel free to ignore if you want, but how about some positive motivations on top of the fear of embarrassment? You could exercise because you know it'll help you feel better in the longterm, or because then you'll be able to better enjoy walks/longer walks, because riding the bike will be more fun once you build up stamina...something for you, mon amie <3

 

as always, your cooking sounds great!

 

*enthusiastically shakes pom poms for you*

 

Thank you Mia!!! Yes great idea as well.... and i definitely AM wanting to work out for those reasons too...! Good to be reminded! xx

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Hey all.... well ive had quite an interesting day so far. My bike seat is too high (uncomfortably so) but im not strong enough to undo the bolt, and Ste is unwell and in bed this morning so i couldnt ask him, so i ended up getting the bus to town to do some chores. I needed to send something at the post office. So i got the bus but got off a stop early to walk the rest of the way! And did the same coming home. Feel good about that. 

 

Then home, had a ham salad sandwich and a cup of tea. 

 

Now this is the interesting part. Remember a year or so ago, i was on the anonymous forum for alcoholics? Long story short, i was part of this forum which was like a family, for maybe 5 years, then it was abruptly closed down :(  but one person found me somehow (remember it was anonymous so no names or any personal details given) the person who found me was my friend who now lives in Italy.... me and her got together and found another member, called Andy. Who lives in Bristol. Andy used to have weekly therapy with a psychotherapist. This therapy has changed his life, in massive ways. And he talks about it a lot with massive affection and its just an incredible support network for him. 

 

ANYWAY . Andy had mentioned me a few times to the therapist, and i got an email from him this afternoon. Again, long story short, he called me at 2.30pm. We spoke for about 40 minutes and.... wow....

 

This psychotherapist lives in Sheffield and works 3 days per week in London. He works privately, not for the NHS...he charges £60 per session (expensive due to credentials) however, he said he really wants to work with me so if i want to work with him, he will charge me just £25 per session (1 hour) the session will be over skype, or face to face in person now and again. We live close, sheffield is only 45 minutes on the train from here. Also, he knows i am financially struggling which is why he is offering me such a cheap rate, AND says i can wait till i get paid to pay him...

 

We spoke a lot about my issues, where i want to be in future, how i would like to structure the sessions etc. He is very interested in art, and me being an artist and i think this could be amazing guys.... i know, or i have the feeling, that this could be something that changes my life?! (not that i want to put pressure on it to do so...) 

 

He seems different, he seems intelligent, creative, calm. Im kind of excited to see how we work. He sent me all his credentials and ID and stuff so i know its genuine. 

 

I also feel exhausted as its intense. But yeah, feeling pretty good! Like someone, some people WANT to help me....

 

First proper session is this Wednesday :o 

 

xx

 

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3 hours ago, Rinna said:

 

As I get older, this also becomes “will I be able to get myself off the tiolet in 20 years?”  After watching family members decline, and be stubborn about doing P.T. i am determined to be aboe to get myself up & down on my own in my later years.

 

THIS THIS THISTHISThishtishtishstghsdgewr

 

My biggest reason for trying my best always boils down to exactly this.  I'm gonna be the granny that walks to the mailbox every day and takes out her own trash and fights neighborhood thugs and stuff.

 

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

 

We spoke a lot about my issues, where i want to be in future, how i would like to structure the sessions etc. He is very interested in art, and me being an artist and i think this could be amazing guys.... i know, or i have the feeling, that this could be something that changes my life?! (not that i want to put pressure on it to do so...) 

 

 

All of this is V. AMAZING and could definitely open a lot of doors, and it's such a great first step to getting around to talking to someone about everything and getting some help!!!! <3

 

Definitely though don't put a lot of pressure on it; two things that are v. important to remember going into this are that 1. therapy is a LOT OF WORK.  A skilled therapist will have you confronting a lot of issues that will likely make you feel uncomfortable and possibly upset at times but it's all part of the process of digging out the bits that are plaguing you and reframing your thinking and mindset to move past them.  A lot of people think therapy is a magic wand but it's not, it requires hard work and constant effort on the part of the patient, and a good therapist will give you all the tools you need to get where you want and be by your side for the duration... but you have to use them.  And also 2., therapy is very much not a 'one size fits all deal', i.e. what (and who) worked so well for someone may not work at all for another.  The process itself really is an individual journey and just as people are all so different in what works for them - the modalities to treat their issues, how they respond to and work with the methods and tools given to them, what motivates them and how their moods and feelings and emotions work - each therapist is different in the way they practice and how they approach patients.  You'll know within the first few sessions if this is going to be a good fit for you and gosh I hope it is because you deserve this so much!!!

 

Proud of you, as always~ <3

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2 hours ago, Arkania said:

Yeah, nice :D
Congratz!

 

:) xx

 

59 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

Definitely though don't put a lot of pressure on it; two things that are v. important to remember going into this are that 1. therapy is a LOT OF WORK.  A skilled therapist will have you confronting a lot of issues that will likely make you feel uncomfortable and possibly upset at times but it's all part of the process of digging out the bits that are plaguing you and reframing your thinking and mindset to move past them.  A lot of people think therapy is a magic wand but it's not, it requires hard work and constant effort on the part of the patient, and a good therapist will give you all the tools you need to get where you want and be by your side for the duration... but you have to use them.  And also 2., therapy is very much not a 'one size fits all deal', i.e. what (and who) worked so well for someone may not work at all for another.  The process itself really is an individual journey and just as people are all so different in what works for them - the modalities to treat their issues, how they respond to and work with the methods and tools given to them, what motivates them and how their moods and feelings and emotions work - each therapist is different in the way they practice and how they approach patients.  You'll know within the first few sessions if this is going to be a good fit for you and gosh I hope it is because you deserve this so much!!!

 

Proud of you, as always~ <3

 

Thank you Shaar!!! Yes i had intensive weekly therapy last year with Clive, the man who stopped me from self harming (cutting) He was amazing. 

 

I get similar vibes from this therapist actually so im kinda excited to get started. :)

 

Hope you are good!! xx

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4 hours ago, Salinger said:

this could be

 

It sounds like thing are moving in a good direction!  I'm happy to hear that you're taking steps forward.  Keep up the good work!

 

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18 hours ago, Cheetah said:

 

It sounds like thing are moving in a good direction!  I'm happy to hear that you're taking steps forward.  Keep up the good work!

 

 

I hope so Cheetah!!! Thank you x

 

5 hours ago, Ann of Vries said:

Even if this isn't the One, it's a great opportunity, and a reminder that opportunities like this do come, and you should try them ^_^

 

Good luck!

 

Yes good point, thank you !! x

 

3 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Oh that sounds really positive! Good news! 

 

:D thanks Jon x

 

 

Hey all. Its almost 3pm. Ive been naughty this afternoon, i had AN HOUR NAP!!! But i needed it....now im having a cup of tea and listening to loud music. Im kind of in a good mood. Im getting through work ok, and tonight im going to a gig with my housemate. He bought me a ticket, how lovely of him!! So im meeting him at 6pm for a drink and then the gig doors open at 7.30pm. Looking forward to it. 

 

Im waiting to hear from the doctor to try get an appointment...but no call back so far. 

 

Oh and its FREEZING today. but no snow :( jealous of @shaar and her winter wonderland haha :)

 

Just trying to keep on an even mindset. Get work done so i can have no guilt later about not doing work!! x

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46 minutes ago, Salinger said:

Just trying to keep on an even mindset. Get work done so i can have no guilt later about not doing work!! x

That's the way to do it!!

 

46 minutes ago, Salinger said:

Oh and its FREEZING today. but no snow :( jealous of @shaar and her winter wonderland haha :)

 

It doesn't take very long for that amount of snow to become really tedious to deal with! :D 

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17 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

That's the way to do it!!

 

 

:)

 

17 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

 

It doesn't take very long for that amount of snow to become really tedious to deal with! :D 

 

haha true! Especially if you have to commute (which i dont so prob like it more!)

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Morning all. Its 9.15am. And its bloody COLD this morning. I need gloves ... my word its freezing. I have a hot cup of tea to warm me up. 

 

Last night was great, the gig was brilliant, it was nice to hang out with my housemate too. He drove so didnt drink, and i didnt go overboard. After the gig we played pool which was fun!!!! @Jarric i thought of you! AND I WON the game!!!! haha

 

Remember how terrified i was to move house? It worked out well dont you think !? :)

 

Today i have my first therapy session, at 2.30pm. Im kind of nervous about it, hope it goes alright. I guess the first couple are scary because its working with somebody new, and i dont know how they go about things. Im sure it will be fine. 

 

Apart from that, i have work work work to get through. 

 

ALSO....my goals have been screwed up already! I havent been to the gym yet and so i should go today...and i havent been out on the bike (because the seat needs adjusting - Ste did it for me this morning though! :) ) so its all ready to ride. No excuses. 

 

So yeah, feeling ok still... xx

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2 hours ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

That's such good news about the therapist. I really hope you find it helpful. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you this afternoon.

 

Thank you Charlie <3

 

Just had a very naughty nap... 45 minutes on the sofa in front of the fire. warmed me up! And i woke and look who had joined me....

 

46523900_917180378406232_5449683040374620160_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=98bec60d27296bcd86dc83ccbdb90048&oe=5C7F7DEA

 

 

 

Got up and made breakfast/lunch. Not eaten today so its sort of breakfast too hahah

 

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Yum!!

 

Not to work for an hour, before therapy.... eeeeek x

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Hey all. 4.15pm....phew. What a day, well i had that nap and ive done a bit of work but i feel mega sickly, due to the eggs. Dammit. 


Anyway, 2.30pm i had my therapy session, a phone call, for 1 hour. It went so fast. It went great as well. Its just the tip of the iceberg in terms of intensive therapy but i feel refreshed and good after talking to him. He is very VERY good and calm and so clever. He was pulling things out of me and making me question things right away. We spoke a lot about the voices i hear....and got to the point where i said sometimes it is like the voice is a naughty kid and i just need it to SHUT UP so i can get on with being an adult.... then whooosh a lightbulb moment. He said it was a power shift, i had just degraded the voice. And therefore the power was on me. Interesting hey?!

 

Oh and we spoke briefly at the end, about RD Laing.... my favourite famous psychiatrist. Part of the anti-psychiatry movement!!! Felt great to have a shared interest. 

 

I also had two minds this morning about getting pizza for tonights dinner....made excuses for why it was a good idea etc but in the haze of therapy buzz (strange to call it a buzz) i marinated a chicken breast, in olive oil, garlic, lemon and fresh rosemary mmmm ill make it later with veggies and roast potatoes. Another little victory do you think??

 

Its dark now outside already...and i havent exercised. However its week 0 and i have realised i probably need to do workout stuff / gym in the morning, or early afternoon, or i dont do it. I mean i COULD still go to the gym now but i feel pretty sick still AND i need to finish a proposal. But i WILL go tomorrow. And Friday. then i have either Saturday or Sunday to make my 3 times a week goal. So not all lost just yet hahahaha

 

I think ill look into making a workout plan this eve too.... any tips or ideas please share. :)

 

So im listening to music should we do a shuffle?

 

Wolf Alice - Yuk Foo

Frankie goes to Hollywood - Power of Love

Flobots - Handlebars

Placebo - Sleeping with ghosts

Radiohead - Pyramid Song

 

mmmmm lovely :) enjoying my spotify playlists lately! Music is good for the soul....

 

x

 

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Following!

 

I'm sure you can beat the demons!

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28 minutes ago, Salinger said:

Frankie goes to Hollywood - Power of Love

Ever hear of the German band Oomph?

They basically started the "Neue Deutsche Härte" ("New German Hardness") movement that was made famous by Rammstein.

Anyway, Oomph has a pretty good cover of FGtH's Power of Love:

 

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5 minutes ago, TimovieMan said:

Following!

 

I'm sure you can beat the demons!

 

 

Ever hear of the German band Oomph?

They basically started the "Neue Deutsche Härte" ("New German Hardness") movement that was made famous by Rammstein.

Anyway, Oomph has a pretty good cover of FGtH's Power of Love:

 

 

Thank you TM!!!

 

Not heard of them, pretty good cover but not a patch on Frankie :P i like Rammstein sometimes too hahaha !! Sonne is a stormer of a song :D

 

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But the rest of Oomph songs is.... hm... :D

"Augen auf" has... interesting lyrics :D:D

(But also are Rammstein's lyrics... ;) )

 

 

(maaan, there are a lot of emojis in this post....)

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