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4 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

It's even better considering I mostly walk along the bus route these days (less drivers trying to run me over there)... But yeah, the cost of a bus commute is pretty bad, which is why I'm slowly making the transfer to only walking/cycling to work. Plus the Legs of Steel benefit!

It's something I should do myself. I can run to work faster than it takes for me to get the bus! I think we've talked about this before but cycling to work would be faster than driving! That's mostly because traffic but also because the cycle route is almost a dead straight line point to point. And it is about 80% cycle path too. 

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12 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

It's something I should do myself. I can run to work faster than it takes for me to get the bus! I think we've talked about this before but cycling to work would be faster than driving! That's mostly because traffic but also because the cycle route is almost a dead straight line point to point. And it is about 80% cycle path too. 

 

I'm thinking next year I might play about with running to work. Nowhere near ready to try that right now, but at some point, sure. 

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24 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

I'm thinking next year I might play about with running to work. Nowhere near ready to try that right now, but at some point, sure. 

Maybe just swap it out for one day a week to begin with. Also there is no law saying you can't run half way (or quarter) once a week and walk the rest. You can build slowly from there. 

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48 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

Maybe just swap it out for one day a week to begin with. Also there is no law saying you can't run half way (or quarter) once a week and walk the rest. You can build slowly from there. 

 

I do like this idea very much. Don't know why I didn't think of it before considering that that's essentially how I've been building up my walk to work days! I've got a rough timeline for fully transitioning to a self-powered commute, so I don't think it would be too tricky to properly work in when to start adding a running day each week.

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4 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

I'm thinking next year I might play about with running to work. Nowhere near ready to try that right now, but at some point, sure. 

 

4 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Also there is no law saying you can't run half way (or quarter) once a week and walk the rest.

 

Or, Run to a bus stop closer to work and then get the bus the rest of the way. You could then increase the runs to bus stops further along the route.

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Maybe not perfect, but definitely a good start, and major life goals and happy realizations are always a good thing.

 

A hair note: shaving one's head, especially when it's not 'expected' of you (by individuals and/or by society) is wonderfully liberating. The first time I did it, I felt great, and it's given me the confidence since to try new hairstyles, since I know that, if I end up hating it, I can always shave my head and start over (for the record, I have not hated any of my experimental hairstyles, it's kinda fun now going with some new idea to my hairdresser). Also, I definitely feel ya on a good haircut making all the difference, I know I feel so much more confident when I know my hair looks good (even in my ugly work uniform, which is incapable of making anyone look/feel good while wearing it)

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5 hours ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

Or, Run to a bus stop closer to work and then get the bus the rest of the way. You could then increase the runs to bus stops further along the route.

 

Also loving this idea, thanks!

 

 

3 hours ago, obax said:

Maybe not perfect, but definitely a good start, and major life goals and happy realizations are always a good thing.

 

A hair note: shaving one's head, especially when it's not 'expected' of you (by individuals and/or by society) is wonderfully liberating. The first time I did it, I felt great, and it's given me the confidence since to try new hairstyles, since I know that, if I end up hating it, I can always shave my head and start over (for the record, I have not hated any of my experimental hairstyles, it's kinda fun now going with some new idea to my hairdresser). Also, I definitely feel ya on a good haircut making all the difference, I know I feel so much more confident when I know my hair looks good (even in my ugly work uniform, which is incapable of making anyone look/feel good while wearing it)

 

It really is. I couldn't stop smiling after I did it, and I'm genuinely surprised that I didn't even hesitate to do so. It was just a case of realising that what I was trying to achieve hairstyle-wise wasn't possible (or, I guess, something I need far, far more practice to be able to actually do!) and that it'd be easier to just cut it right down and work with it as it grew. And about three seconds after thinking that the clippers were in my hand and off I went and off it came. 

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Week Two, Day One

Today has actually been awful and it's taken me a long time to figure out why. It wasn't until I caught myself on the edge of tears in the middle of the workplace that the realisation clicked into place. So I went to my locker and checked the FitBit app on my phone, and sure enough, shark week is on the horizon. I didn't expect it because it's actually on time this month. Usually it is anything but. And apparently this one is going to be full of feelings. Wonderful.

 

Dailies:

  • Junk: None consumed, though I had to talk myself out of doughnuts (a whole twelve pack reduced to half price), cheesecake (chocolate, also reduced), and a few other things that I knew I'd regret.
  • Veggies: Done
  • Water: Done
  • Tracking: Actually did it and I'm not entirely happy with the results. Today I under-fuelled myself and it's a little late to fix that.
  • Tidy: Only just
  • Clean: Not yet
  • Organise: Nope
  • Me-time: As soon as I've finished this, that'll happen
  • SAD protocols: So many misses here...

 

Not a great day, but I guess at least now I know why. If I can calm my weird emotional state tonight so I can get some sleep then that'll be great. Tomorrow I'm running before work although that run may be a walk depending on whether or not the gritters are out tonight. There's already a hard frost out, enough that I almost hit the deck multiple times just trying to get home. I'm trying to avoid any more injuries, so if it means walking, I'll walk. Right now the important thing is actually getting out.

 

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I think we're still in week two but I'm not sure which day...

I went a little AWOL, but not really for any bad reason. I just got really, really tired. But that's my current eight day streak ended and I'm not back to work until Sunday now, so I've got a chance to rest up and get myself back on track before the next streak hits.

 

And while I did reside in bed for a stupid long time today, I have actually made good use of the time I have been up and about. I've made fantastic progress with my clear out, enough so that my living room actually looks like a functional living space rather than a shit tip. And I did some meal prepping for the next few days:

 

 

Spoiler


I did not, however, learn to take good pictures of my food.

 

 

 

...and I did manage to find my way to instagram. My favoured site for shouting into the void is going to hell in a hand basket, so I'm exploring other options and this is one of them (also twitter, which is actually kind of fun). Despite me saying previously I'd never do it... But I kind of like it, it's a nice contrast to the more serious feel of flickr. I don't really want to post these kinds of random on there, but it's basically expected on instagram and it might finally help me make my meals look like they taste (I cannot make good looking food, it's been a problem for years)!

 

 

 

 

 

Dailies:

  • Junk: None consumed
  • Veggies: Plenty today
  • Water: More coffee than water
  • Tracking:...no
  • Tidy: Vigorously done
  • Clean: Many kitchen based cleaning tasks done
  • Organise: Yep
  • Me-time: Currently having
  • SAD protocols: I completely forgot...

 

I've kept up with physio, I ran on Thursday and almost died (because I fell down a half frozen soaked hill despite having street crampons on because I knew it was like that), and I've been trying very hard to keep my sleep schedule in some kind of order. That's quite difficult though, much as I'd like it to be otherwise.

 

Plan for tonight is to relax, do some dishes, and relax some more. I have a fairly major headache that's been hanging around for the past couple of days (weather related), so I'm aiming to get an early night and I'll catch up with everyone around here tomorrow.

 

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1 hour ago, iatetheyeti said:

...and I did manage to find my way to instagram.

:) Instagram is my favourite social media place right now. Just cause random cool photos. I can get behind that. I struggle to understand facebook and twitter. Your food is looking really good! 

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17 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

:) Instagram is my favourite social media place right now. Just cause random cool photos. I can get behind that. I struggle to understand facebook and twitter. Your food is looking really good! 

 

I do like the whole random photos thing, and I have to admit I'm actually thoroughly enjoying messing about on twitter. Facebook, on the other hand... so many issues there.

 

And I have to say, I'm actually happy at how that particular batch cook went. Got some tasty food and I even managed to make it look half decent for once!

 

 

14 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Yay for meal prep and Instagram! And bravo for getting out for your run. I think if I lived in Scotland, I'd make like a bear and hibernate through the cold months.... so, basically, I'd never leave the house!

 

Well, considering ten of twelve months tend to be on the nippy side... yeah, hibernation does seem like a tempting choice! 

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Week Two, Day Five

I finally figured out what day of the week it is... Today has been a spectacular combination of both hit and miss. Shark week finally arrived, except this time around I've actually been experiencing the symptoms for almost a week beforehand. It's like the most uncomfortable guessing game where you don't ever get a break and you're constantly wondering 'is this it? No? Oh, is that it? No? Ah. There it is. Nope!' And then it hits you at 2am because life is just like that.

 

Dailies:

  • Junk: Much as I hate to admit it, there was an ice cream incident today. I place a small part of the blame on that weirdly persistent ice cream van that's been trawling for business around here for the past few days
  • Veggies: On the plus side, a pass for this one!
  • Water: Almost, but I guess with the amount of coffee and decaf I've had it does put me well over target
  • Tracking: It wasn't pretty, but it got done
  • Tidy: Only a little today
  • Clean: I don't think dishes count, so no
  • Organise: Yep
  • Me-time: That's basically been all day
  • SAD protocols: Well, I did go for a walk earlier. There wasn't any sun, but I think it still counts

 

I'm trying to be nice to myself because I got unreasonably angry over the whole ice cream thing and spent a lot of time indulging in a lot of negative self-talk. But that is a destructive way to deal with things, and at this point I know better. It happened. It's not the end of the world. It's also been the only slip I've made today. One slip influenced by overblown hormones, tiredness, and the power of suggestion. No excuses, just acknowledgement.

 

The rest of tonight is going to be a very quiet one. I'm winding down for an early night as I've got a 7am start tomorrow, which means I need to be out of bed at 4am in order to walk in. So really it's just like a weekday start, which is fine. Plus I might actually get there in a good mood (and I will be taking a thermos of coffee along just to make sure).

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On 12/8/2018 at 1:52 PM, iatetheyeti said:

 

I do like the whole random photos thing, and I have to admit I'm actually thoroughly enjoying messing about on twitter. Facebook, on the other hand... so many issues there.

Considering the only people I communicate with through facebook are the same people I communicate with here it's not so bad. I just don't 'get it' but I'm the odd one out I guess. 

 

On 12/8/2018 at 7:11 PM, iatetheyeti said:

 

I'm trying to be nice to myself because I got unreasonably angry over the whole ice cream thing and spent a lot of time indulging in a lot of negative self-talk. But that is a destructive way to deal with things, and at this point I know better. It happened. It's not the end of the world. It's also been the only slip I've made today. One slip influenced by overblown hormones, tiredness, and the power of suggestion. No excuses, just acknowledgement.

Self loathing doesn't help anything. Be kind to yourself and move on.  Nobody is perfect all of the time. If you can keep occurrences of ice cream or anything else to a minimum you are still coming out ahead. 

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On 12/10/2018 at 11:19 AM, jonfirestar said:

Self loathing doesn't help anything. Be kind to yourself and move on.  Nobody is perfect all of the time. If you can keep occurrences of ice cream or anything else to a minimum you are still coming out ahead. 

 

I know, though it is a very easy trap for me to fall into. At the very least I'm getting better at recognising when it's happening, that it shouldn't be happening, and that hey, it's really not the end of the world, just keep moving forward. 

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Week Three, Day Two

I fell off the grid a little again, but life is really swinging at me right now. So I'm updating now while I'm still relatively functional, then I might very well just go to sleep.

 

Spoilered because I babbled more than intended.

 

Spoiler

 

First, my September holidays finally got approved, so I can now take that stress off of my shoulders. I'm now left with a choice in regards to my final three days of holiday still to book. Either I hold out hope that Spartan are going back to Iceland next year and try to make the impossible happen (doing the Sprint there), or I do a full Trifecta weekend at Windsor and instead use that last bit of holiday to go to the OCRWC and do some volunteering there. One of these options is far, far more feasible and infinitely easier on the bank account than the other. And yet...

 

Second, apparently my shoulder is just fine now. That's definitely oversimplifying it, but I've been given the go ahead to actually use it again. The words 'be sensible' and 'cautious' were used, and then I was sent on my merry way. When I got home I celebrated by hanging off of my pull up bar for as long as I could. It wasn't really all that long...

 

Third, walking to work for the rest of the week is out, which is a shame for my bank account... I think maybe I need new boots. Or new toes. I taped everything up that needed it, and still I got significant blistering on both little toes. And when I say significant I mean they look like House Bolton has been at them. It hurts. I don't like it.

 

And fourth. Guess who's going to be playing musical houses again? I had a long talk with a few different people and we've all come to the same conclusion, and that's that I need to find someplace cheaper to live. Because that's far more likely to happen than me getting more hours on my contract (or a whole different full time job) right now. I've got a small team of people helping me house hunt, which is nice. It does raise some issues, namely that, just like the last flat, I have to give two months of notice rather than one. As soon as I figure out a way around that that doesn't involve paying two lots of rent (plus a deposit) for two months I will be all over this move. Unfortunately the most likely solution is to beg a loan from my parents, which isn't ideal for many reasons, but will be easier on the financial situation than anything else. Nothing is likely to happen for two or three months yet, but if I'm going to do it, I need to start now.

 

It's kind of depressing, in a way. When I moved here I was happy, and it slowly slipped away as money got tighter and tighter once more. All it takes is one little thing, and then another, and then another, and it's just impossible to claw your way back. In theory I could stay where I am now. Technically I can afford it. Technically. But living from payday to payday, and having those paydays based on increasingly unpredictable hours, is stressful and depressing and really what I came here to get away from.

 

So for the now the solution appears to be to move closer to work, which offers a cut in rent and the obliteration of transport costs.

 

As much as it is what I need, it's also really not what I need right now. I'm worn down and all over the place and I know the circumstances causing this aren't going to improve any time soon. But I also know they're not going to improve ever unless I do this. I'm trying to look on the bright side, and that's that if I do this and manage to start saving, then maybe I can finally start looking beyond the next payday and not just plan my future, but actually build it.

 

 

 

Brief Goal Update:

 

One: I think I'm going to keep at the physio despite being given the all clear. Can't hurt, right?

 

Two: Structure was holding up, but I'm going to have to find a replacement for my running until I can actually run (I can hobble right now, that's about it. Apparently little toes are actually important to that!). I can shift my workouts to keep me from putting too much pressure on my feet as well. Not just for the sake of my toes, but so I'm not, for example, doing squats off balance with pressure on all the wrong parts of my feet as I try to avoid hurting said toes. It's bad enough walking like that.

 

Three: Food is going alright, a little shaky, but I'm taking responsibility for slips and trying to plan to prevent them from happening again. I'm constantly down on water right now, which is probably contributing to my ongoing headache, and I think I've remembered to track my intake about three times for this entire challenge, so that needs improving.

 

Four: The one area I'm actually excelling in... Stress/anxiety/depression cleaning is sometimes a wonderful thing. I'm making great inroads with this clear out by keeping on top of both my tidying and organisation goals, the cleaning is getting easier, and I'm trying to get as much me-time as possible just to de-stress.

 

 

I'll try and stick around more. Right now I'm definitely letting my circumstances overwhelm me and part of me very much does just want to run away from it all, but we've already established that that is a highly counterproductive and destructive coping mechanism, so we won't be doing that. Instead what I'm going to do today is go for a short nap (because I have had no sleep in over two days) and then come back here and catch up with everyone as best I can.

 

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1 hour ago, iatetheyeti said:

 

I know, though it is a very easy trap for me to fall into.

It's an easy trap for us all to fall into.

 

25 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

Either I hold out hope that Spartan are going back to Iceland next year and try to make the impossible happen (doing the Sprint there), or I do a full Trifecta weekend at Windsor and instead use that last bit of holiday to go to the OCRWC and do some volunteering there. One of these options is far, far more feasible and infinitely easier on the bank account than the other. And yet..

 

Well, I know you want to do iceland :) and I'd love to give that a shot too (not that I think I can next year) but I'll be there if you want someone to shuffle around the Spartan Trifecta weekend with! And I know we'd all love to see you during OCRWC. Actually if you are at OCRWC and they end up doing the Mudstacle fun lap again then we might have to make it happen that you can come and run that! 

 

Definitely do Iceland if you can make it happen :) 

 

I'm really sorry to hear about you needing to move again. It does sound like it needs to happen but it's never fun to have to move from a place you are settled into. 

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3 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Well, I know you want to do iceland :) and I'd love to give that a shot too (not that I think I can next year) but I'll be there if you want someone to shuffle around the Spartan Trifecta weekend with! And I know we'd all love to see you during OCRWC. Actually if you are at OCRWC and they end up doing the Mudstacle fun lap again then we might have to make it happen that you can come and run that! 

 

Definitely do Iceland if you can make it happen :) 

 

...there's a small, small chance I might be able to do both, assuming I use my holidays for Iceland and do shift swaps for OCRWC (but I really shouldn't count my chickens for that just yet!). That said, if I do get to OCRWC I will almost definitely not be able to afford to run it. If I go to Iceland also, that's where my money is going, and if I don't go to Iceland, it's because I have no money. I lose either way! But it'll still be good to volunteer and to cheer you guys on :)

 

 

3 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

I'm really sorry to hear about you needing to move again. It does sound like it needs to happen but it's never fun to have to move from a place you are settled into. 

 

I think it was inevitable. Honestly, I don't think I'm ever going to be stable unless I can somehow stump up the deposit needed to buy instead of rent. Which, short of a lottery win, will be never. At least this time I don't also have to organise a job transfer at the same time, and I'm sure moving from one part of Fife to another will be a lot easier than moving one from side of the country to the other.

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Week Three, Day Five

At this point I've basically lost track. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I'm really struggling. I thought I was managing with all of this crap and then yesterday happened. I don't even know what yesterday was. Literally nothing happened, and yet somehow everything got ten times worse. Life, right? So I've had to pull out some emergency protocols. I have emergency protocols, and I have Emergency Protocols, and it's the latter that I'm having to go for given how unfortunately, uncomfortably serious this appears to be getting. Shit happens, I guess, and it always happens all at once. And still we keep on going. That's all you can really do, right?

 

In the past my first instinct would be to pull out of the challenge and hide away, but that same past has proved why that's a really bad idea. So I'm basically dropping all of my goals and replacing them with just one: do something. Do something each day that will help build a future where I am healthier in both body and mind. I'm also going to try and check in here daily to update and to try and keep up with everyone else.

 

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Week Four

I didn't mean to make a weirdly dramatic statement and then just vanish, but sometimes life sort of hits you and it takes a while to get back up again. Not that I'd say I'm back on my feet again, but I'm less of a mess than I was over the weekend and earlier this week.

 

I did say I wouldn't internalise things, and while I don't feel comfortable talking about everything that's happening, there are some things. It's a start. Maybe a poor one, coughing up a rambling spiel to offer to the void of the internet, but I actually do feel a little better having done it.

 

Spoiler

 

Things are a lot right now and for a lot of reasons. One reason is work, too much pressure and zero recovery time. I didn't actually realise how much I was taking on until I went through my rotas and counted my days off between now and my next stretch of time off (I guess I got lucky with allocated holidays?). Three days. Three days off out of the next four weeks. If I'd kept my rotas for the previous four weeks I know I'd see similar numbers.

 

That alone, however, is reasonably easy to adapt to. Although I'm starting to suspect that when I say 'adapt' what I actually mean is ignore and suppress until it gets the better of me.

 

The time of year is another. And I don't just mean the whole SAD/ramped up depression thing. Christmas itself. I have many reasons for not really celebrating it, but the one that stings most is the one I tend not to tell people. It's a holiday built around family. I'm not so sure I have one of those. My parents can't stand me, my brother barely talks to me, and the only time my extended family remembers I exist is when they want to use me as a weapon, one way or another. We might be related, but I don't think we've been a family of any kind for years. And while I tell myself, and others, that I don't really care, that it's better that way all things considered, I do care. Most of the time I can ignore that, but it gets difficult around Christmas. And my birthday, for that fact, but I don't have to worry about overly dramatic birthday depression for a good seven months yet.

 

And now that it's written down like that I can't help but think that it's ridiculous, and that's another issue. Nowadays I can mostly recognise what's a major problem and when it's getting serious or out of control. What I can't do most of the time is bring it to other people because, in that situation, it doesn't seem like enough of a problem, if that makes any sense. It's a hindrance in personal relationships because it always ends the same way. Things get bottled up, the bottle breaks, blame gets passed around, then the cycle starts again. And it's all avoidable, it's just difficult to actually break down that particular wall. And it's a hindrance to my health because it makes seeking professional help incredibly difficult. Though I will say in that case my issues aren't entirely irrational. I've had some variation of the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps/there's nothing really wrong/cheer up it could be worse' speech three times this year. All from medical professionals. It doesn't help, and at some point what little bravery I can scrape together, the tiny fragments that allow me to go and ask for help in the first place, they run out and I get left where I am now.

 

It all feels like running in circles, really.

 

 

That there babble is going to count as my 'do something' for today. I wish I could say I managed something every day for the days that I've been gone, but I haven't. It's something I do need to keep on top, and not just for the good of my health. 

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18 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

 

I did say I wouldn't internalise things, and while I don't feel comfortable talking about everything that's happening, there are some things. It's a start. Maybe a poor one, coughing up a rambling spiel to offer to the void of the internet, but I actually do feel a little better having done it.

I'm really proud of you for doing that Yeti. Internalising things just builds pressure. Although that is a lesson I need to learn over and over again. 

 

21 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

And while I tell myself, and others, that I don't really care, that it's better that way all things considered, I do care

tenor.gif?itemid=5062546

 

25 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

What I can't do most of the time is bring it to other people because, in that situation, it doesn't seem like enough of a problem, if that makes any sense.

 

That makes sense. I flutter between 'it's not a big enough problem' and 'I'm going to drive everyone away and make them hate me' when I think about opening up to people about the things that are bothering me. You do have friends and I know that we are a long way away but that doesn't stop us from wanting to help. I'm always willing to listen, no matter how petty the problem might seem. I might not have any answers but I can listen. I'd much rather you open up about anything and everything than leave it bottled up. I know @Rhovaniel feels the same way. 

 

54 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

Though I will say in that case my issues aren't entirely irrational. I've had some variation of the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps/there's nothing really wrong/cheer up it could be worse' speech three times this year. All from medical professionals

:( that sucks. Really. truly sucks. I don't know I don't have an answer, you'd hope that you didn't have to storm into the office and demand to see someone because you are depressed. Your problems are not irrelevant or petty and if the answer was simply to 'cheer up' we wouldn't need the entire field of psychology. 

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2 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

I'm not so sure I have one of those.

 

Sure you do.  You have your Ranger family right here.  We may not be blood relations, but that makes us even better because we WANT to be family.  

 

Make sure and look for us on Christmas, I guarantee some of us will be around anytime you need us.

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17 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

That makes sense. I flutter between 'it's not a big enough problem' and 'I'm going to drive everyone away and make them hate me' when I think about opening up to people about the things that are bothering me. You do have friends and I know that we are a long way away but that doesn't stop us from wanting to help. I'm always willing to listen, no matter how petty the problem might seem. I might not have any answers but I can listen. I'd much rather you open up about anything and everything than leave it bottled up. I know @Rhovaniel feels the same way. 

 

I do have a fairly strong 'I'm going to drive everyone away and make them hate me' streak as well. It's... not much fun, to say the least. I don't say this anywhere near enough, mostly because I'm not so good at actually finding the words to verbalise these things, but I really do appreciate everything you guys say and do. I'm not sure where I'd be without your support, but I doubt it would be anywhere good.

 

 

18 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

:( that sucks. Really. truly sucks. I don't know I don't have an answer, you'd hope that you didn't have to storm into the office and demand to see someone because you are depressed. Your problems are not irrelevant or petty and if the answer was simply to 'cheer up' we wouldn't need the entire field of psychology. 

 

At this point I may actually have to be on my deathbed to get them to acknowledge that there's something wrong. All I can really do in the meantime is keep myself afloat and look in other places while I try and scrape up some more bravery...

 

 

17 hours ago, bker1370 said:

 

Sure you do.  You have your Ranger family right here.  We may not be blood relations, but that makes us even better because we WANT to be family.  

 

Make sure and look for us on Christmas, I guarantee some of us will be around anytime you need us.

 

And I'm better for having you guys in my life :) 

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