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Rurik Harrgath

Cry Havoc X: Sweet Child of Chaos

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1 hour ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

TFell off the self-care/mental health preservation bandwagon last night, and honestly no good reason for it.  Plenty of reasons to be happy (lower case) but finding myself stuck in the anxiety cycle regardless.  Hasn't been an easy week. 

 

 

Yeah seriously - All of us huh? Lol. My challenge has been a flip flop of "look at the pretty pictures" and "blarrrgh" the whole week. Yesterday was a super low point. Glad you're keeping your perspective.

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Anxiety is such a dumb stupid liar, being all like “people hate you” and “you’re a failure” and “there is a shark in this bathtub dont you laugh at me there is a HEKKIN SHARK IN THIS BATHTUB WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.” Your honesty and clarity about the beast is really cool and encouraging, and walking right through it even if you do need a strategic bed-hide now and again. Take good care of yourself my dude, and I’m glad things are going well with the Baker!


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7 hours ago, shaar said:

good day sir, I SAID GOOD DAY >:[

 

Ah, Fez.  Don be mad....

 

why all the weird?  So many of us rangers are struggling.  It it something in the water?

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Challenge Journal:  December 2, 2018 - wait, what?  How did we get to December already?!

Work Xmas party yesterday, so I held back on eating much throughout the day and stuck to Michelob Ultras (which is kind of shameful, but #goals) and then enjoyed a couple proper red ales at the party itself, so I'm calling it my Deviation Night for the week even though it likely wasn't (I didn't track), so as long as today doesn't spiral awry we will have had a solid week.

Really solid lifting session at Oly yesterday.  Missed a 295# Jerk exactly how I did at my gym's Bar Wars event a while back (see my Instagram for details), but the 295# Clean wasn't bad.  Hit a bunch of solid 225# C&Js too.  Building consistency and chasing that elusive 315# C&J goal next year!

Now back to home projects and chores.  Need to finish sanding/painting/touching up bathroom and it'll be done.  Installed a faux wood beam between my living room and kitchen that needs tweaking and paint eventually.  All trying to turn this house into a home, one small step at a time! 

Here's some #SigmundsdottirSunday just cuz!  Also, Frivolity ☑ !

hot-naked-crossfit-girls.jpg

    

I DON’T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING"A delicate balancing act of fuel and activity."  [+2 STR, DEX, STA, CON] 

  • The Mindful Art of Nutritional Alchemy™ 6 of 7 days/week: 
  • 4 CrossFit classes per week:    [Challenge Total:  ☐☐]

I’M JUST HERE FOR THE VIOLENCE:  "Dump Stat my Charisma until I’m an Extrovert.”  [+5 CHA]

  • Partake of 3 sessions of “Be Happy” per week: 
  • Social activity 1 time/week: 
  • Moment of Frivolity shared (per update): 

OH, AND STOP AND PET THE POKEMON:  A Self-Improvement Junkie.  [+2 WIS]

  • Post a daily challenge update 3 of 7 days/week:  ☑☑

Ongoing To-Do mini-quests…

  • Read:  [In Progress]  Power through my Kindle samples and decide on (1) book to start.
  • Play:  [In Progress]   Get a Wii and play the shit out of some Mario Kart.
  • Write:  Thoughts & Ponderings in ColorNote/OneNote app.
  • Build: [In Progress]  Accent Wall
  • Minimalize:  [In Progress]  Return unused trade goods to Home Depot.
  • Other:  [In Progress] Dump run.

 

On 11/30/2018 at 11:19 AM, jonfirestar said:

I really feel you on that one. Must be something going around. 

 

On 11/30/2018 at 11:49 AM, shaar said:

Thirding this, FOR REAL.  Ugh.  Whatever it is better HECK OFF 'cause we deserve to have all the GOOD AWESOME FEELS!  Anxiety you ain't got no place at this table you hear me, good day sir, I SAID GOOD DAY >:[

 

On 11/30/2018 at 12:12 PM, DaemonCorax said:

Yeah seriously - All of us huh? Lol. My challenge has been a flip flop of "look at the pretty pictures" and "blarrrgh" the whole week. Yesterday was a super low point. Glad you're keeping your perspective.

 

On 11/30/2018 at 1:01 PM, rowan said:

Anxiety is such a dumb stupid liar, being all like “people hate you” and “you’re a failure” and “there is a shark in this bathtub dont you laugh at me there is a HEKKIN SHARK IN THIS BATHTUB WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.” Your honesty and clarity about the beast is really cool and encouraging, and walking right through it even if you do need a strategic bed-hide now and again. Take good care of yourself my dude, and I’m glad things are going well with the Baker!

 

On 11/30/2018 at 7:10 PM, Rinna said:

why all the weird?  So many of us rangers are struggling.  It it something in the water?

 

Unfortunately I know the trigger/cause of mine and it's largely past baggage in the form of romantic insecurities alongside a healthy dose of mental health complications.  It rarely lasts and can usually be mitigated with some self-care (in this case, hiding in my bedroom).  Going to experiment with CBD in the near future because the green stuff has been fully legalized here in Canuckistan.

 

On 11/30/2018 at 2:54 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hey man, dealing with anxiety is not "Falling off the wagon." What you chose to do about it is what matters.

 

Well, I wouldn't call that the most heroic of coping mechanisms but it past the time and got me through it.  Didn't screw up my workout schedule for the week, didn't drastically give in to mood eating, etc.  So all in all, not as hopeless a defeat as I made it out to be earlier in the week!

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4 minutes ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Unfortunately I know the trigger/cause of mine and it's largely past baggage in the form of romantic insecurities alongside a healthy dose of mental health complications.  It rarely lasts and can usually be mitigated with some self-care (in this case, hiding in my bedroom).  Going to experiment with CBD in the near future because the green stuff has been fully legalized here in Canuckistan.

 

Whether we like that thing about ourselves or not it is much better to understand the cause/trigger and any mitigation measures than not. I'm also aware of what caused my own bout of anxiety and depression, although it did take someone prying it out of me with a crowbar to admit to it. If you don't understand the enemy you cannot hope to fight it effectively. Best of luck with your experimentation. 

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11 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Unfortunately I know the trigger/cause of mine and it's largely past baggage in the form of romantic insecurities alongside a healthy dose of mental health complications.  It rarely lasts and can usually be mitigated with some self-care (in this case, hiding in my bedroom).  Going to experiment with CBD in the near future because the green stuff has been fully legalized here in Canuckistan.

FWIW I've found that it helps me when the anxiety/depression tapes in my head are stuck on a loop and won't fuck off on their own. I think it's partly the actual effect of smoking and partly having something to do to focus on and that makes me change my environment (i.e. go outside instead of wallowing on the couch/in bed)

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21 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

Canuckistan.

This made me giggle!  You have managed to make sweet, polite Canada into one of the "ass-crack-istan" countries!  I know its cold but it can't be that bad?!?!?  :friendly_wink:

 

Sending you hugs and positive vibes.  

 

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On 12/2/2018 at 12:28 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

Unfortunately I know the trigger/cause of mine and it's largely past baggage

 

I know some of mine, and other times it’s all WTF while I burst into tears for no good reason.  

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On 12/2/2018 at 2:28 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

Didn't screw up my workout schedule for the week, didn't drastically give in to mood eating, etc.

 

I would definitely call this super successful coping!

 

Also HOORAY for Sara Sigmundsdottir Sundays.  She is amazing and the world doesn't deserve her hahah.

 

DLif-0RW0AYdIqa.jpg

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14 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey, how do you feel today? Sorry about the anxiety :(  had alot of it myself recently too. Worse than usual. Thinking of you! xx

 

I'm starting to wonder why I even bother anymore.

 

c8730dd4d78fc20be3d65c86da265a38.jpg

 

Nothing feels better than knowing you're second pick.

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Ouch! I'm sorry. That can't feel good.

At least she was honest before things went further? But yeah, totally don't blame you if you crawl back into bed for a day or two.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Ugh I'm sorry :/ though it's good she was up front and honest. It sounds like you had a really nice time which is something you can learn from in future interactions. If her life had all those other complications she mentioned it may not have been a good fit lifestyle-wise anyway, even if it was a great fit personality-wise. Definitely take some time to decompress from this but don't blame yourself or your trying. It's not that you weren't good enough or anything like that, you're not second best or second pick, just not what she happened to be looking for. <3

 

 

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19 minutes ago, Raxie said:

 It's not that you weren't good enough or anything like that, you're not second best or second pick, just not what she happened to be looking for. <3

 

This, v. much.  Even though it probably doesn't make you feel any better.  Navigating dating as an adult is HARD, especially I feel, if you don't have kids.  It adds a whole other layer to the mix that can be super tricky.  I've seriously toyed with the idea of just retreating to the forest and becoming a silent monk for the rest of my days.

 

Hang in there.  You are an amazing person and will totally find the right person, at the right time.

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Sorry, agreeing with Raxie. It wasn't a personality thing or more that she thought the other guy had more in common with her (kids, divorced)  You can live in the fact that the other dud is not near as awesome as you, and she is missing out

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I’m sorry :( you’re an amazing guy and kind and fun and handsome. Someone is out there. I know how difficult it is to put yourself in that situation and get a knock back. It’s happened to me and will prob happen again unfortunately. Don’t give up though, keep being you xxx

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Badword Man, that sucks. I think though, that she betrayed some things about herself that show she wasn't a good fit for you, though I don't expect that to make you feel better right now.

  1. She was oversharing. All she had to say was she didn't think it was going to work out. That would have stung, but perhaps not as bad as crafting a message in such a way that made you feel second best.
  2. She explained the way she did to justify her actions, not out of consideration for you. She wanted to communicate that she was right for doing what she did regardless of how it made you feel.
  3. She was more concerned with what you thought of her than how you were feeling. She repeated more than once "I hope you don't hate me." She cares more about your perception of her than she does about you.

In my opinion, even if this supposed other guy didn't come along, you were going to find out at some point she never deserved you in the first place. I'm sorry id didn't work out, and I'm sorry she got your hopes up. I'm always here for you buddy. All of us are here for you.

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Sorry Rurik. Don't let one person's opinion stop you from being awesome. What would Momoa do? My best guess: shrug, toss his hair, lift something ridiculously heavy, and move on.

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Challenge Journal:  December 3, 2018.

Bit of a day as you all know, can't thank you all for the kind words, encouragement, and needed ego repair.  Sorry I couldn't quote/reply to everyone, but know every post was read thoroughly and thoroughly appreciated all the same!  I'm taking it fine after a few hours to let the bad news wash over my shoulders and the future isn't so bleak.  Still disappointed, but the world isn't ending.

Beast-moded a workout to clear my head and carried on with the evening.  Even crushed some rotisserie chicken and pickles, ate with my fingers.

If that isn't #MomoaMonday as fuck, I don't know what is!

 

I'm totally wearing a leather jacket to my next formal affair now

 

I DON’T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING"A delicate balancing act of fuel and activity."  [+2 STR, DEX, STA, CON] 

  • The Mindful Art of Nutritional Alchemy™ 6 of 7 days/week:  ☐☐☐☐
  • 4 CrossFit classes per week:  ☐☐☐  [Challenge Total:  ☐☐]

I’M JUST HERE FOR THE VIOLENCE:  "Dump Stat my Charisma until I’m an Extrovert.”  [+5 CHA]

  • Partake of 3 sessions of “Be Happy” per week:  ☐☐☐
  • Social activity 1 time/week: 
  • Moment of Frivolity shared (per update): 

OH, AND STOP AND PET THE POKEMON:  A Self-Improvement Junkie.  [+2 WIS]

  • Post a daily challenge update 3 of 7 days/week:  ☐☐

Ongoing To-Do mini-quests…

  • Read:  [In Progress]  Power through my Kindle samples and decide on (1) book to start.
  • Play:  [In Progress]   Get a Wii and play the shit out of some Mario Kart.
  • Write:  Thoughts & Ponderings in ColorNote/OneNote app.
  • Build: [In Progress]  Accent Wall
  • Minimalize:  [In Progress]  Return unused trade goods to Home Depot.
  • Other:  [In Progress] Dump run.

 

8 hours ago, Terra said:

This made me giggle!  You have managed to make sweet, polite Canada into one of the "ass-crack-istan" countries!  I know its cold but it can't be that bad?!?!?  :friendly_wink:

 

Nah, I just came across 'Soviet Canuckistan' on some veteran blog once and I've thought it was hilarious ever since!

 

5 hours ago, Raxie said:

Also HOORAY for Sara Sigmundsdottir Sundays.  She is amazing and the world doesn't deserve her hahah.

 

DLif-0RW0AYdIqa.jpg

 

You got that right!  She's probably my female CrossFit spirit animal as much as Jason Momoa is my masculine lifestyle spirit animal.

 

crossfiters-mujeres2--z.jpg

 

4 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

0c8b46aac445ad3accb578ca4303405d.jpg

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

That really sucks. 

 

Aw shucks, Sylv.  I really appreciate that.

 

I really do think I'm pretty awesome too.  There's been a lot of personal development and confidence building over the past decade to get me to where I am, which honestly just further vexes me because I really have the capacity to be the most interesting person in the room.  Unfortunately that still doesn't mean I'll hit every point on a prospect's checklist, as we've learned today.  Legit would have thought I'd be a better prospect for her because I don't have kids and would therefore be more available - she wouldn't have to share me when she does have free time!

 

Once upon a time I was faced with a similar decision, someone I had wicked chemistry with (Katy) and another who made more sense on paper (Erin).

 

I picked the one who made the most sense (it became truly awful and stunted my growth as a person a great deal), and I've regretted it ever since.  In a weird shift of irony, Katy even won a motorcycle she couldn't ride shortly after we stopped talking!

 

4 hours ago, DaemonCorax said:

At least she was honest before things went further? But yeah, totally don't blame you if you crawl back into bed for a day or two

 

I'm okay.  Part of me knew it was coming and she did a great job of slowly distancing herself over the weekend that I knew she wasn't herself anymore.  It was supremely disappointing but I was honest when I told her I wasn't surprised.  Just so damn hard for me to emotionally connect, that when I do and still find myself passed over for one reason or another, it's really devastating.  Vulnerability is truly a bitch.

 

3 hours ago, Raxie said:

It's not that you weren't good enough or anything like that, you're not second best or second pick, just not what she happened to be looking for. <3

 

I even explained to her that the way she worded it was kind of cruel.  Better she go with something along the lines of "You're wonderful and I had a great time but I just don't see our lifestyles working out" than phrasing it as if I was second best.  I think that's what hit me hardest.  Really plays to those dark voices we keep buried deep down who always whisper we're in adequate even when we know better.  But you're right and I know it.

 

3 hours ago, shaar said:

This, v. much.  Even though it probably doesn't make you feel any better.  Navigating dating as an adult is HARD, especially I feel, if you don't have kids.  It adds a whole other layer to the mix that can be super tricky.  I've seriously toyed with the idea of just retreating to the forest and becoming a silent monk for the rest of my days.

 

Hang in there.  You are an amazing person and will totally find the right person, at the right time.

 

I know what you're saying is true from experience, but I can't help but feel it should be easier because I don't have kids and therefore am available plus don't have that baggage.  I'm constantly proven wrong in that, probably time to reevaluate that opinion haha!

 

Maybe not retreat into the woods, although one of these years I'm spending Christmas in cabin in Norway/Finland to avoid people and my whole damn family, but I'm definitely returning to my philandering lovable rogue-like ways for a period of reflection and ego repair.

 

giphy.gif

 

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Badword Man, that sucks. I think though, that she betrayed some things about herself that show she wasn't a good fit for you, though I don't expect that to make you feel better right now.

  1. She was oversharing. All she had to say was she didn't think it was going to work out. That would have stung, but perhaps not as bad as crafting a message in such a way that made you feel second best.
  2. She explained the way she did to justify her actions, not out of consideration for you. She wanted to communicate that she was right for doing what she did regardless of how it made you feel.
  3. She was more concerned with what you thought of her than how you were feeling. She repeated more than once "I hope you don't hate me." She cares more about your perception of her than she does about you.

In my opinion, even if this supposed other guy didn't come along, you were going to find out at some point she never deserved you in the first place. I'm sorry id didn't work out, and I'm sorry she got your hopes up. I'm always here for you buddy. All of us are here for you.

 

1.  I'm an oversharer too (in general) but you're right.  Like I mentioned in my reply to Raxie, and I even explained it to the femme fatale in question, she could have worded that better.  I think she understands that now, she's just a little awkward. 

2.  She wanted to feel better about the situation and have everyone's feelings intact without any conflict - that's not how the world works, darlin'.

3.  I don't even need to comment on this, you truly hit the nail on the head.

 

You're quite perceptive as always, Brother Tanktimus, and I appreciate your wisdom.  It's kind of slowly sinking in that I was enamored with her but she was right in some ways... we weren't the best fit and I'm taking it much better after some introspection.  Just disappointed I let myself be vulnerable and got my hopes up - it's never pleasant to feel lead on, but on a bright note, my schedule's opened up a bit now!

 

Went looking for a Bright Side gif to lighten the mood, came across one of my all-time favorite memes (love Prince Harry) set to Mr Brightside (which seems appropriate).

 

 

15 minutes ago, Xena said:

Sorry Rurik. Don't let one person's opinion stop you from being awesome. What would Momoa do? My best guess: shrug, toss his hair, lift something ridiculously heavy, and move on.

 

I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and continued in true #MomoaMonday fashion:  went and did my workout without a headband so my hair was everywhere, deadlifted 335# for a million reps, and met up with a friend afterward for some ego repair.

 

Selfie for Chaotic Good hair proof:

 

047fa5143b1b0df40c41f1194fab575d.jpg

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Pretty late to the party, but I'll echo what everyone else has said, especially Raxie and Tank. Sounds like that lady was more worried about the practical stuff (being with someone that has been through the divorce/kids experience) than being with someone awesome. Let them hook up and re-build a family for their kids, that's not what you set out to do in the first place.

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