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Ensi

Ensi And The Dimension Of IRL

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Hello, lovelies!

 

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I'm really happy with how my previous challenge went, and I wish to keep the same format: journaling about certain topics! But, I do have one goal, which is an important one:

 

Spend less time surfing online watching funny animal videos.

 

Well, as you can imagine, it's not just funny animal videos, but browsing forums, blogs, what-have-yous: social media would be the all-encompassing term. Most of my study assignments are online, so it's a good excuse for me to start "studying" and then venture to tumblr in the next five minutes, and stay there for the next two hours or so. I'm not proud of it. It's not productive, it doesn't satisfy me the way getting my stuff done would, it takes all my time and energy - it only offers an illusion of doing something.

 

To change my ways, I am going to list the things I get done every morning, when I'm not online. First off: accountability is gonna keep me going, and two: it helps me see how much more I get done, and I feel like it'll be worth it. Because during the past two days, I've forced myself to either focus on my study assignments while on my laptop, or shut down the laptop and do something else. It's changed my whole vibe: I'm a lot more calm, and I feel like I have the time and energy to do my stuff. And I've been drawing and doing yoga in the mornings! I wish to keep shifting away from spending so much time doing nothing. I'm not sure what's caused me to do all the online surfing: maybe I've felt uncertain about my assignments, maybe it's just a habit, but whatever it is, I'm gonna address the feelings I have, and make a change.

 

I'm keeping the same journaling topics as in the previous challenge: identity crafting, intuitive eating and exercise, and studies + professional goals. I will also be active in the Intuitive Eating Group (everyone's welcome to join!). I will also be journaling a lot about my thoughts, my life and my unfortunate love-life, because I find sharing them amusing :DD

 

Welcome aboard! Let's have ourselves a good challenge :love_heart:

 

 

 

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11 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Spend less time surfing online watching funny animal videos.

This made me laugh out loud :D

 

I notice that when I spend more time online I'm trying to avoid stuff or when I'm overwhelmed with stuff I need to do. Having a clear idea of what I'm going to do that day helps me a lot (whether or not I've written it down) 

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2 minutes ago, Terah said:

This made me laugh out loud :D

 

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3 minutes ago, Terah said:

I notice that when I spend more time online I'm trying to avoid stuff or when I'm overwhelmed with stuff I need to do. Having a clear idea of what I'm going to do that day helps me a lot (whether or not I've written it down) 

 

Thanks for the insight, I think being overwhelmed or unaware of the things I should be doing are totally reasons for watching Funny Raccoons two times in a row instead of getting my stuff done. I try to create a list of activities (3 of 4) for each day, and everything above that is extra. I don't think it's gonna be that hard, I just need to start doing it :)

 

This morning's list:

  • sorted a pile of papers and books next to my bed
  • did 30 minutes of yoga
  • journaled
  • learned to use Android Studio to modify user interface elements

 

I really hope that this offline goal could help me feeling calmer and more balanced...! I've already come a long way with managing stress, but this is a wonderful concrete thing to do in order to slow down :)

 

Today, I'm gonna spend the day close to home. I need to do my laundry, and uhh. Study, for sure. I'll see what I'll come up with :D I have four job gigs coming up this week: tomorrow, on Thursday, and then on both Saturday and Sunday (double pay!). I'm really happy with this, but I'm gonna take some extra rest today to be ready :) The cold seems to be passing, and I did a light kettlebell workout yesterday. It felt really nice to warm up and get some movement!

 

I also saw Kyle at the store yesterday (#notastalker), and I realized that I was in a store and the guard was talking to me, which totally made me look like a caught shoplifter :DD Have a lovely Tuesday, everyone!

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5 hours ago, Arkania said:

giphy.gif

 

 

I wish I could get gifs tattooed...

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You had me at Queen gifs.

 

 

:D I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and loved it! I've had my favourite Queen songs, for sure, but after the movie, I've disappeared into a Queen themed rabbit hole... (I love it here. Never bring me back!!)

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17 hours ago, Arkania said:

I neeeeeed!!!! to see the film!

Bought a shirt last week:

image.png.7395042a748b1f86b3a165ce7288db76.png

 

You absolutely need to!!! :D Loved it! And that T-shirt is making me envious ;__;

 

**

 

This morning's list:

 

  • sent an email to my teachers
  • did yoga
  • drew for an hour, and finished a small illustration
  • studied for an exam
  • made lunch at home: salmon in the oven and broccoli + cauliflower on pan

I'm happy with spending so much time drawing :) I have a lecture that starts in 20 minutes, and then I'll continue straight to library to work an evening shift. I'm doing OK, but I'm a bit worn out... Shark Week should start next week, which is probably the explanation. But my mood is good, and I'm gonna go and have myself a good day. Y'all have a good one, too!

 

Here's the illustration:

 

Spoiler

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On 11/21/2018 at 2:45 PM, Arkania said:

Aw this is so cute! :wub:

 

23 hours ago, Terah said:

Awwww! I love that drawing! 

 

23 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That drawing is awesome. I love that I can't tell if it's a big dog or a small horse.

 

Thank you all! :wub: And Tank, I leave that entirely to your own imagination! :D

 

**

 

This morning's list:

 

  • well actually I had a lecture at 9, so I had time to wake up, have breakfast, write a post to the IE Group and then leave the house. So, yay!
  • Drew another illustration during morning lecture (the lecture itself wasn't really... informative).

 

I had lunch after the lecture, and then I went to the library, because I had a job gig from 12 PM to 4 PM. It was a pretty hectic day today, and now I'm just sitting in my armchair and recharging my batteries :D I had dinner, and now I'm sipping on some coffee. Shark Week started yesterday, which was a bit unexpected, but it explains the fatigue I've experienced during these past few days.

 

Time to do some journaling!

 

Identity Crafting: I guess I'm a web designer now, since I told my coworker that I could help his husband with creating a WordPress website for his little enterprise :D I'm just checking out some web hotels that could work, and then I need to contact the husband. My coworker assured me that there's no stress about it and that they're just planning it out, so I'm just gonna see how it goes...!

 

Intuitive eating and exercise: Hmm. I've had some extra sweets these past two days, but I've learned to recognize that I get more cravings just before Shark Week. I usually treat myself, and don't worry about it too much :) I still haven't figured out my meal planning, but I guess now could be a good time to do that...!

 

Studies and professional goals: my second math course isn't going quite as well as the previous one...! We have less contact teaching, and the exercise types are different. I need to make a plan to make this work... I try not to stress about it too much, because I can take the exam next year, and take care of my more urgent studies right now :) And I'm gonna look into that WordPress website project that my coworker asked me about, and uhh, a local company is recruiting summer interns for next year! I'm gonna send them an application, for sure.

 

I'm glad that I've managed to stop spending all my time on social media, because now I notice that I actually want to stop browsing online when I have nothing to do. I still do some, but only a couple of times a day instead of constantly jumping back and forth between my studies. Instead, I played PlayStation last night and listened to some music in bed. I'm really happy about this :) I'm gonna do some yoga now, and then work on the game graphics and what-not. Have a lovely evening, everyone!

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Friday's morning list:

 

  • yoga
  • drawing

 

Saturday

 

  • some yoga and journalling before going to work

 

It's Sunday today, and I just did some journaling. I also slept a bit more instead of starting the morning social media tour :D Anyway, I journaled about my financial habits. I've had some anxiety around how I use money, and I finally decided to face the problem and journal about it. I actually approached it a bit like I approach my anxieties around food and eating, because this isn't only about how much money I actually have and make, but about the feelings and thoughts I have about money: I buy myself stuff I don't actually need, because it makes me feel good to think that "I can afford this!" It's a bit difficult to explain. I've had issues with making money last in the past, and I've started to make my own money during the past few years, so it's understandable that I have some issues. I'm also ashamed about it, and I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone. I'm gonna start talking with myself now, because I have been too ashamed to admit it to myself, too...! I recognized some thoughts, and I'm gonna support and help myself to calm down around money now. I understand that money isn't quite the same as food, but my anxieties are very similar. With some work, I hope I can stop buying things I think I need, and focus more on what I actually need. Time and practice, right? :D

 

I've been a bit low on energy, thanks to Shark Week. Work was good yesterday, and I have another shift today :) I worked on the game graphics last night, and they're coming along nicely. The weather is getting colder, and it seems that the day will be cold and sunny. Have a lovely Sunday, everyone!

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On 11/20/2018 at 2:35 AM, Ensi said:

I'm not proud of it. It's not productive, it doesn't satisfy me the way getting my stuff done would, it takes all my time and energy - it only offers an illusion of doing something.

Following because this is me. Also Freddie Mercury.

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Hello @Ensi!

 

Alas, I know all too well about the Internet rabbit hole.

 

giphy.gif

 

Except it doesn't usually lead somewhere adventurous or life-changing (more like life-numbing). And it's so easy to just keep browsing and browsing because it gives our brain the illusion that it is productive when really it's just busy. But you can do this. Interestingly enough, in his book The Tao of Pooh Benjamin Hoff identifies Rabbit as the busiest and most stressed out of the Pooh characters, and in being so "bisy" and stressed he is less productive and often makes things worse for the other characters. The Tao Te Ching says:

 

"Fill your bowl to the brim

and it will spill.

Keeping sharpening your knife

and it will blunt.

Chase after money and security

and your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

and you will be their prisoner.



Do your work, then step back.

The only path to serenity."

 

In the Bible, there is a story of Mary and Martha. Jesus was visiting them, and Martha is really busy and stressed out trying to serve Jesus and her other guests, but Mary just sits at Jesus's feet and listens to his teaching. Martha resents this and gets upset, but Jesus just says, "“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

 

I know I may have went beyond what your struggle is, but my point is this: Sometimes we think we are being productive, doing what we think is necessary, but we are just busy and need to pause and be mindful of what is necessary. By recognizing that you waste a lot of time online, you have already taken the first steps.

 

You can do this. I believe in you. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

giphy.gif 

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On 11/20/2018 at 9:35 AM, Ensi said:

so it's a good excuse for me to start "studying" and then venture to tumblr in the next five minutes, and stay there for the next two hours or so.

I saw this video and thought it might help you with this challenge goal:

 

 

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On 11/26/2018 at 4:13 AM, AverageFish said:

Following because this is me. Also Freddy Mercury.

 

:D Welcome! And yes. FM is always good reason.

 

BdzA.gif

 

On 11/26/2018 at 5:16 AM, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Wordpress <3 Lemme know if you need an assist!

 

Also here to follow you again, friend

 

Thanks, I might actually have a couple of questions to you :'D I'll get back to you via PM at some point! And happy to have you following, again :)

 

On 11/26/2018 at 5:07 PM, Wolfen said:

Hello @Ensi!

 

Alas, I know all too well about the Internet rabbit hole.

 

Except it doesn't usually lead somewhere adventurous or life-changing (more like life-numbing). And it's so easy to just keep browsing and browsing because it gives our brain the illusion that it is productive when really it's just busy. But you can do this. Interestingly enough, in his book The Tao of Pooh Benjamin Hoff identifies Rabbit as the busiest and most stressed out of the Pooh characters, and in being so "bisy" and stressed he is less productive and often makes things worse for the other characters. The Tao Te Ching says:

 

"Fill your bowl to the brim

and it will spill.

Keeping sharpening your knife

and it will blunt.

Chase after money and security

and your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

and you will be their prisoner.



Do your work, then step back.

The only path to serenity."

 

In the Bible, there is a story of Mary and Martha. Jesus was visiting them, and Martha is really busy and stressed out trying to serve Jesus and her other guests, but Mary just sits at Jesus's feet and listens to his teaching. Martha resents this and gets upset, but Jesus just says, "“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

 

I know I may have went beyond what your struggle is, but my point is this: Sometimes we think we are being productive, doing what we think is necessary, but we are just busy and need to pause and be mindful of what is necessary. By recognizing that you waste a lot of time online, you have already taken the first steps.

 

You can do this. I believe in you. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to type this, I appreciate it :) My life's changed a lot during the past couple of years, and I understand that I've been chasing all the results without putting in the work - then again, I've been willing to put in the work, but I've put in the work that hasn't brought me what I've wanted. Now I am putting in the work I want, and getting out of the rabbit hole has already made me a lot more happier and productive! I'll let you know, if I need tips or anything :D Thanks again!

 

17 hours ago, Jupiter said:

I love your goals! I need to work on less internet surfing, too, it's such a huge time suck.

 

I love your drawing, by the way! It's so cute. :) 

 

It IS a huge time suck, isn't it? I really like the video Terah linked, because it gave me a couple of tools to handle the procrastination better. Check it out! :) And thank you! I like drawing small, cute animal pictures. At some point, I was told that ART has to be political and revolutionary, otherwise it's not worthy. These days, I draw what I want!

 

73319c16d13e9398da2539b68f1fb7b8.gif

 

14 minutes ago, Terah said:

I saw this video and thought it might help you with this challenge goal:

 

 

Thank you for sharing this, Terah! Forgiving yourself is so, so important. It gives you that possibility to start again and do better, right? :) I'm gonna use the tips the video gave me right away :D

 

**

 

Well, I'm really sick, y'all x__x I'm tired and I'm coughing and sneezing. Urgh I'm taking this time to think about the things that have been stressing me out. I've been stressing about not being happy with the pixel art I've produced, and I've been anxious about not being able to contact Kyle. I miss talking with him. To calm down, I've taken some time to sit down, breathe, and remember that what will be, will be, and nothing's as important as my health. As for the art stress, I spent a few hours yesterday to work on the game graphics, and I finally made some progress! I'm a lot happier with what I'm currently producing :D I'm gonna keep working on them after this update. As for Kyle, I'm reminding myself that I don't need to rush anything. I still have issues with trusting myself , and I'm used to living alone, so giving myself time to process things and getting to know him slowly is the right approach for me. I was in a state of getting my own shit together when he started to approach me more a few weeks ago and I tried to push him away by ignoring him, but then I realized that I liked him back. Uuurgh. A very positive thing I'm taking away from all this is that even though I've felt really heartbroken before, it seems like I can always heal and move on. This makes me a lot less worried about going out there and trying things :) I remain, always, and I can keep living. And I still try and get my shit together :D And I think I'm actually getting pretty good at it...

 

So, I've been inactive here, because I've been spending time in the Dimension of IRL - and this is a good thing! I actually crave time offline now, and I understand how much more satisfied I am when I get something actually done versus spending a ton of time watching raccoon videos. Then again, I do allow myself some raccoon videos :D But I make a conscious choice to enjoy some destressing, and then I get back to work. Being kind to myself and allowing my work to be below my own (very high) standards has really helped me to get started with my work in the morning, too.

 

Time to get to work. Have a lovely Wednesday, everyone! :)

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On 11/20/2018 at 1:35 AM, Ensi said:

Spend less time surfing online watching funny animal videos.

This speaks to me on a deeply personal level.  I've become stuck in that rut...big time.  I've made a compromise with myself for this current challenge:  I can only watch cute animal videos (aka waste a shit load of time online) only once I've completed my to do list for the day.

 

We'll see how THAT goes!  Hahahahah!

 

Good luck with your goals.  

tenor.gif

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3 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

This speaks to me on a deeply personal level.  I've become stuck in that rut...big time.  I've made a compromise with myself for this current challenge:  I can only watch cute animal videos (aka waste a shit load of time online) only once I've completed my to do list for the day.

 

We'll see how THAT goes!  Hahahahah!

 

Good luck with your goals.  

tenor.gif

 

... it's comforting to see that so many struggle with this :D I've started to look for the middle ground between "watching ALL the animal videos!" and "I will never watch an animal video ever again". I allow myself to take breaks between working to watch a couple of videos, so I don't try to 100% block watching the videos or roaming around the web.  The video that Terah linked above had a couple of pretty good strategies, and I think that acknowledgement + action is a good way to deal with this...! I realize that I might be anxious about my performance not being good enough, so I tell myself that it's OK, and that I'm allowed to produce something that's less than perfect.

 

Something that's been popping up in everything I do these days: find the middle ground. That's where you thrive!

 

  • Nutrition? There's a middle ground between following a strict diet and eating pizza all day.
  • Stress? There's a middle ground between being stressed out of your mind and not being bothered at all (this has also do with the fact that I've thought that when I don't stress, it means that I don't care. I care about things, and I don't need be ultra stressed to prove it to myself).
  • Productivity? There's a middle ground between doing ALL THE THINGS and doing nothing at all. Small steps take you a lot farther than taking no steps at all.
  • My body? There's a middle ground between being obese and being shredded. I'm allowed to find it.
  • Funny animal videos? There's a middle ground between watching them all day and not watching them at all.

 

I think this line of thinking is good for me, personally, because it's realistic. I've had all these ideals I've built in my head about what health and living looks like, and I've set all these demands on myself (how to eat, how to exercise, how to live), but I'm starting to understand that it's not how I want to live. I've tried to fix the wrong problems with wrong means (for example, feelings of worthlessness with strict dieting and exercising too hard), thinking that fixing the way I looked would fix everything. It's not about living up to my expectations and demands, because they're unrealistic. It's about finding what works for me, and doing that research myself instead of trying to find an external guide (a diet programme, for example). There are still expectations I have for myself and things I'm afraid of, but here's another thing: there's a middle ground between facing your fears with all you've got and not facing them at all. The middle ground for me is that I'm taking small steps towards things I'm scared of, and try to make it as safe for myself as I can. It feels right to me :) What I'm saying is that I don't need to be perfect to live a satisfying life - "imperfections" and some discomfort are a part of life, and that's OK. (Actually, a lot of diet programmes tell us that the foods and things we enjoy are bad, and we should learn to live without them, completely. And it's the same thing with pretty much anything you enjoy: it doing it too much is bad for you, you should learn to live without it altogether. What's the point?? You are allowed to enjoy life!) During these past couple of years, I've met some really great people and managed to process some things that have hurt me, and I'm really happy with where I am, currently.

 

Well, that was just something I've been thinking about lately :D I'm having another sick day, and I'm gonna start preparing some food and try to treat the illness with tea and rest. I'm gonna do some light yoga to get my body moving a bit, and watch movies :) I started with CA: Civil War, and I'm gonna see if there's something good on Netflix. It's payday tomorrow, and I'm gonna buy the Spyro: Reignited trilogy B)

 

HauntingEmptyBandicoot-size_restricted.gif

 

Have a lovely Thursday, everyone!

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7 hours ago, Ensi said:

I've tried to fix the wrong problems with wrong means (for example, feelings of worthlessness with strict dieting and exercising too hard), thinking that fixing the way I looked would fix everything.

Yikes, this is me too. That thinking is what led to my first marriage, which was very toxic.

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7 hours ago, Ensi said:

Productivity? There's a middle ground between doing ALL THE THINGS and doing nothing at all. Small steps take you a lot farther than taking no steps at all.

This one is so hard for me. Glad I'm not the only one struggling with this 

 

So much wisdom in your last post. I learn lots of stuff here :)

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On 11/29/2018 at 4:02 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Yikes, this is me too. That thinking is what led to my first marriage, which was very toxic.

 

Really sorry to hear that, Tank! It's great that you have such a good relationship going on these days :) But yeah, it's great to understand that you're fixing the wrong thing, because then you can start working on the thing that actually needs fixing, right? When I've dealt with the feeling of worthlessness, I'm no longer quite as anxious about my looks. A bit anxious, for sure, but I feel like people care about me and love me as I am. And a really important part: I do, too! I still want to lose some weight, for sure, but it doesn't consume me and make me anxious around food and life in general, because I no longer measure my worth with my looks or weight. I can deal with it :D

 

On 11/29/2018 at 4:28 PM, Terah said:

This one is so hard for me. Glad I'm not the only one struggling with this 

 

So much wisdom in your last post. I learn lots of stuff here :)

 

I think it comes with experience: allowing yourself to consciously do a little less a few days shows you that nothing bad happens! There's this illusion that you have to do something at all times, but it's not true. THEN AGAIN, you probably have a lot more going on in your life with your business and kids than I do (insert a picture of me eating peanut butter alone in my small apartment), but maybe there are still some things that take up too much of your time and energy? I've also lowered my standards a bit: I used to be anxious about my apartment not looking like something out of a decorating magazine at all times, but then I realized that it's allowed to have some clutter here or there. It's my way of being :D As are my slightly crooked teeth, the way I dress up, the way my body looks, and so on :P

 

**

 

This morning's list:

 

  • played some Spyro: Reignited
  • spent some time catching up on NF threads

 

I'm still recovering from the flu. I went to see a nurse yesterday, and she said that it's probably a virus, and that I just need to stay patient and rest :) I went to get some nasal spray from the pharmacy, and I'm using neti pot to clear my nose. I'm already starting to feel better, but I still need to rest.

 

As always with sickness, I've taken this time to calm down and evaluate things in my life. I'm happy to notice that there isn't much that brings me stress these days, and I'm pretty pleased with everything that's going on. I haven't been as stressed as I have been on previous years, so my stress management strategies are working, and I'm involved in things that feel meaningful to me (the studies, work, the IE Group).

 

To be totally honest, though, I would like to be a bit slimmer, which brings me to another point: instead of coming up with some plan to alter my looks, I'm gonna actively reject any kind of fitness goals for now. What I mean is that I'm not gonna bully myself by thinking that I should be working on my body at all times. Instead, I'm going to drop those demands, and keep doing the things I do: I go on walks, I enjoy yoga, and I like to do a kettlebell workout a couple of times a week. The constant need to lose weight only makes me anxious about the issue, and it actually makes me try too hard (overdoing exercise, eating too much protein, etc.). The anxiety is a bigger problem than my weight, so I'm gonna allow myself to live without it. This leaves more space for me to get in tune with what my body actually tells me. This has also a lot to do with my identity: how big of a part of my identity do I want fitness to be? I got in the fitness when I was very young and thought that it was the way to lose weight and be healthy. It kinda hijacked my young mind, so to say, and now that I'm older, I'm starting to question if I want to keep doing that. I want to keep building my own health regimes, and I think I can find ways to do things that are not based on restrictions, but on love and care. Haha, I'm gonna buy a new notebook and start crafting a self-care book for myself :D #alwaysagoodideatobuynotebooks

 

It is Saturday, and it's gonna be a day with self-care, studies, and playing Spyro. I really like the remastered version! Spyro feels a bit different, but I like it :D Then again, seeing this gif gave me a huge nostalgia trip:

 

tumblr_o7x3jh3RFP1uezgljo1_500.gif

 

Such a lovely character :D And I felt like Christmas morning today: I got up and started to play a video game, with no worries at all. I'll be back in health soon, and go back to my usual vibe :) Have a really lovely Saturday, everyone!

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9 hours ago, Ensi said:

THEN AGAIN, you probably have a lot more going on in your life with your business and kids than I do (insert a picture of me eating peanut butter alone in my small apartment), but maybe there are still some things that take up too much of your time and energy? I've also lowered my standards a bit: I used to be anxious about my apartment not looking like something out of a decorating magazine at all times, but then I realized that it's allowed to have some clutter here or there.

When I'm not able to do everything that needs to be done others take over. Which makes me feel so guilty :p

 

And my standards are pretty low: I really don't mind clutter. I'm lucky my husband does, otherwise it would look like a episode of horders at my house :p

 

10 hours ago, Ensi said:

As always with sickness, I've taken this time to calm down and evaluate things in my life. I'm happy to notice that there isn't much that brings me stress these days, and I'm pretty pleased with everything that's going on. I haven't been as stressed as I have been on previous years, so my stress management strategies are working, and I'm involved in things that feel meaningful to me (the studies, work, the IE Group).

Sounds like you are in a really good place right now <3 

 

10 hours ago, Ensi said:

To be totally honest, though, I would like to be a bit slimmer, which brings me to another point: instead of coming up with some plan to alter my looks, I'm gonna actively reject any kind of fitness goals for now. 

That's a really healthy goal! I find it surprisingly hard to focus on just my mental health when I'm not happy with my size. I'm really grateful for the IE group, that makes this a little easier :)

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