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Ensi

Ensi And The Dimension Of IRL

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On 11/28/2018 at 11:53 PM, Ensi said:

Productivity? There's a middle ground between doing ALL THE THINGS and doing nothing at all. Small steps take you a lot farther than taking no steps at all.

 

I'm definitely still working on this, LOL. Sometimes even though I'm doing a little bit every day it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress at all, so it's definitely a struggle. 

 

I'm glad things are going well for you. :)

 

 

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22 hours ago, Ensi said:

And I felt like Christmas morning today: I got up and started to play a video game, with no worries at all. I'll be back in health soon, and go back to my usual vibe :) Have a really lovely Saturday, everyone!

 :wub:

 

I know the issues between nothing and aaaaaaaaaaaaall the things, I am a person who lives (lived) in extremes.

Took me some time to figure that out and now it's quite ok :)

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On 12/1/2018 at 7:25 PM, Terah said:

When I'm not able to do everything that needs to be done others take over. Which makes me feel so guilty :p

 

And my standards are pretty low: I really don't mind clutter. I'm lucky my husband does, otherwise it would look like a episode of horders at my house :p

 

 

On 12/2/2018 at 4:47 AM, Jupiter said:

 

I'm definitely still working on this, LOL. Sometimes even though I'm doing a little bit every day it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress at all, so it's definitely a struggle. 

 

 

On 12/2/2018 at 7:56 AM, Arkania said:

 I know the issues between nothing and aaaaaaaaaaaaall the things, I am a person who lives (lived) in extremes.

Took me some time to figure that out and now it's quite ok :)

 

Thanks to you all for commenting :) The guilt is such a weird feeling, because it seems to be linked to food, productivity, exercise, etc. It's really important to understand where the guilt comes from, and realize that the diets, doing all the things, or running a marathon won't make the guilt go away. It's like putting towels under a broken water tap instead of fixing the tap: you wouldn't need the towels in the first place, if you fixed the tap. For me, the tap was the belief that I was worthless, unless I looked and performed the certain way. It's taken a lot of work, and applying the new thought patterns to my life: I've tried to do less than "all the things!!", and do things I want despite the way I look, and experience has shown me that I don't actually need to do as much as I think (and it's totally OK to ask for help and receive help - people like helping others!), and my body doesn't stop me from doing things. Besides, people don't see my flaws as much as I do (my teeth are slightly crooked, but I've had several library customers tell me that I have a really beautiful smile, and that's what I tell myself these days haha).

 

Identity crafting: after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody, I really identified with the musicians in the movie, and realized that Vinnie (for those who don't know: a black metal musician I work with at the library) was very much like them, and I feel great whenever I spend time with him. I've started to think that maybe I shouldn't look for role models in the fitness industry or any kind of health movements, but from artists. Now that I've dropped my exercise rules ("I should work out three times a week, gotta make time to do more fitness!"), I'm completely at ease and I'm more aware of my body and its signals. And dropping the rules doesn't mean that I won't work out: I enjoy working out and I like the way it makes me feel, but maybe I don't need to exercise with as much discipline as I've thought. To simplify things: these fitness movements dwell around the idea, "WHO'S RIGHT ABOUT HEALTH??" and it's something I don't want to have such a huge part in my life. Like, we see all these fitness people on social media, then try to be like them (be "right"), and when we fail, we beat ourselves up. I'm not gonna take part in that any more. Instead, I'm gonna craft my own thing and enjoy food and exercise. I don't feel guilty about it: the better I feel about myself, the more energy I have, and the more I can do good to others.

 

I've been venting here a lot lately, haven't I? :D But it just shows that I still struggle with these rules I've learned over the years. I will keep venting, it helps me a lot :P

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Oh, another thing: my language tech instructor contacted me and offered me work for spring, summer and autumn! I will be developing the project's website and handle language tech data. She said that we can tailor the work so that I can study at the same time.

 

Hit it!

 

giphy.gif

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Thank you all! :) And Tank, it's true that venting is super useful here. I sometimes think that venting here has probably shaped me way more than I realize (and another interesting thing for me is that I've done it in English, which is not my first language, and I feel like I sometimes express myself better in English than in Finnish). Venting is great! :D

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Congratulations on the job!!!!! 

 

And I love your vents, because they always make me think about my own stuff, and it helps to put it into perspective. 

 

20 minutes ago, Ensi said:

and another interesting thing for me is that I've done it in English, which is not my first language, and I feel like I sometimes express myself better in English than in Finnish

I feel that talking about stuff in English helps me to put it into another perspective. I have to think hard to find the right English words, and have to look at sentences in different ways to have them make sense. It helps me to be more objective about the stuff I type. 

 

But it also keeps me from writing long stories here, because it takes me twice as long to write it in English :p

 

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2 hours ago, Terah said:

Congratulations on the job!!!!! 

 

And I love your vents, because they always make me think about my own stuff, and it helps to put it into perspective. 

 

I feel that talking about stuff in English helps me to put it into another perspective. I have to think hard to find the right English words, and have to look at sentences in different ways to have them make sense. It helps me to be more objective about the stuff I type. 

 

But it also keeps me from writing long stories here, because it takes me twice as long to write it in English :p

 

 

For me it's the opposite :D

I don't write that much here and not about everything that I experience because I am too lazy to write it in english :D:D

And sometimes I can't express myself like i would like to.

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8 hours ago, Ensi said:

Thank you all! :) And Tank, it's true that venting is super useful here. I sometimes think that venting here has probably shaped me way more than I realize (and another interesting thing for me is that I've done it in English, which is not my first language, and I feel like I sometimes express myself better in English than in Finnish). Venting is great! :D

 

8 hours ago, Terah said:

 

I feel that talking about stuff in English helps me to put it into another perspective. I have to think hard to find the right English words, and have to look at sentences in different ways to have them make sense. It helps me to be more objective about the stuff I type. 

 

But it also keeps me from writing long stories here, because it takes me twice as long to write it in English :p

 

 

6 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

For me it's the opposite :D

I don't write that much here and not about everything that I experience because I am too lazy to write it in english :D:D

And sometimes I can't express myself like i would like to.

 

 

Ok so this is INCREDIBLY interesting.  English (Americanized) is my first language- I even majored in English literature in college. Most of my exposure to ESL (english second language) speakers has been here on the forums! I had a few study-abroad types that I met in college but I know y'all better <3 <3 

 

But yeah it's super interesting to hear from ESL folks how English sits. I know language in America is SUPER weird (they don't teach us language nearly early enough, and as a result my Spanish, though I studied it in high school and college both, is atrocious), but if it makes you guys feel better, I had NO clue any of you were ESL. You express yourselves very well from the perspective of someone who had the advantage of hearing English from the get-go! 

 

I hope that didn't come across as condescending, I've heard English is super hard to learn as a second language and I was trying for legit compliment based on that fact >_> If I offended, please let me know (and let me know why so I don't make the same mistake again!). 

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8 hours ago, Terah said:

 

I feel that talking about stuff in English helps me to put it into another perspective. I have to think hard to find the right English words, and have to look at sentences in different ways to have them make sense. It helps me to be more objective about the stuff I type. 

 

But it also keeps me from writing long stories here, because it takes me twice as long to write it in English :p

 

 

6 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

For me it's the opposite :D

I don't write that much here and not about everything that I experience because I am too lazy to write it in english :D:D

And sometimes I can't express myself like i would like to.

 

Yep, there's the other perspective, for sure. And then there's the fact that most of the material I go through online is in English! I've actually jokingly told myself that "I've gone through my  recovery in English" :D And it's kinda true: I spoke about my difficulties with food here first, and when I had figured things out here (and found the words to express the things I hadn't even realized before), I could translate them and communicate with people IRL. I still get my IE material mostly in English, and I don't really mind. I was really excited to study English in school, because it turned out to be something that came to me naturally (and I was enthusiastic enough to study a lot). And these days, I use English every day! Right here, right now!

 

giphy.gif

 

As for what Arkania said, I do have some things that I find difficult to translate here :D And prepositions. Dude. How do you even??

 

2 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Ok so this is INCREDIBLY interesting.  English (Americanized) is my first language- I even majored in English literature in college. Most of my exposure to ESL (english second language) speakers has been here on the forums! I had a few study-abroad types that I met in college but I know y'all better <3 <3 

 

But yeah it's super interesting to hear from ESL folks how English sits. I know language in America is SUPER weird (they don't teach us language nearly early enough, and as a result my Spanish, though I studied it in high school and college both, is atrocious), but if it makes you guys feel better, I had NO clue any of you were ESL. You express yourselves very well from the perspective of someone who had the advantage of hearing English from the get-go! 

 

I hope that didn't come across as condescending, I've heard English is super hard to learn as a second language and I was trying for legit compliment based on that fact >_> If I offended, please let me know (and let me know why so I don't make the same mistake again!). 

 

You weren't condescending at all :) If you have any questions about this, I'd be glad to answer! I really enjoy talking about learning foreign languages, and well, linguistics in general :D Finnish is a lovely language that's spoken nowhere else but here in Finland, so it's been kinda important to learn at least ONE foreign language :D Everyone has to study English at school, as well as Swedish. In addition, I nerded out in high school and picked French, Russian and Spanish. Oh, those were the times... And another thing: I somehow prefer to go for British English, because... I don't know, it's just so posh, and I love it. But I mostly hear American English in my surroundings *points at the collection of American action movies in the bookshelf* :D

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44 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

they don't teach us language nearly early enough, 

What age did you start learning? For me English lessons started at 11 years of age. But my kids (now 6 and 8)have been exposed to English since they were 4. They can't form sentences yet, but they know a lot of English words :)

 

47 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

You express yourselves very well from the perspective of someone who had the advantage of hearing English from the get-go! 

Thanks :) I must admit I often use Google translate and am very happy with the predictive words on my phone ;)

 

34 minutes ago, Ensi said:

And then there's the fact that most of the material I go through online is in English! 

Me too. And I watch Netflix in English (with English subtitles, because I often have trouble understanding the different dialects or when people talk fast). 

 

36 minutes ago, Ensi said:

prepositions

Had to Google that word. Don't you have those in Finnish? Because they are quite similar in Dutch. 

 

37 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Everyone has to study English at school, as well as Swedish. In addition, I nerded out in high school and picked French, Russian and Spanish. 

With us it's English and either German or French. And since French is the hardest language ever, and German is quite similar to Dutch I went for German :D

I knew you had a knack for languages, but this is really impressive! I'm really bad at learning a new language. I even struggle with Dutch sometimes :p 

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With us it's English and either German or French. And since French is the hardest language ever, and German is quite similar to Dutch I went for German
I knew you had a knack for languages, but this is really impressive! I'm really bad at learning a new language. I even struggle with Dutch sometimes  

I started learning at 13, but after that it was very choppy. I had a full year at 13, a full year at 15, and then I took 3 classes in college between 19 and 21.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

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1 hour ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

I've heard English is super hard to learn as a second language and I was trying for legit compliment based on that fact >_> If I offended, please let me know (and let me know why so I don't make the same mistake again!). 

Thank you :wub:

 

I just wrote in Jett's thread:
I don't think english is hard to learn.

On most of the "hardest-language"-lists the scandinavian, asian and east european languages are on top.

But:

We learn english from age 6 or 10 on (depends) and I think it's one of the easiest languages out there. I struggle a lot with french and luxembourgish. French because wtf? pronounciation and articles?! and luxembourgish because it's so similar to german.

I had latin (had to choose between latin and french and latin was waaaay easier ;) ) as second foreign language so I think spanish and all the other romanian languages may be easier for me.

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49 minutes ago, Terah said:

Thanks :) I must admit I often use Google translate and am very happy with the predictive words on my phone ;)

Try www.deepl.com :)  Much better!

Wuhu, noch jemand der deutsch spricht hier :)

----

At work I write and speak 90% english. Most with Indians and americans.

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1 hour ago, Arkania said:

noch jemand der deutsch spricht hier

Ohne ein bischen. Ich kan es lesen und verstehen, nicht guht sprechen und schreiben :)

 

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24 minutes ago, Terah said:

Ohne ein bischen. Ich kan es lesen und verstehen, nicht guht sprechen und schreiben :)

 

You can write/speak/read more than I can any of that in dutch :D

Alsjeblieft/Alstublieft, lekker lekker, bedankt/dank u well. :)

I can understand some things, because in my hometown the older people speak "platt" and it is sort of similar to dutch.

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3 hours ago, Ensi said:

And prepositions. Dude. How do you even??

Prepositions are the Devil's own intestines. They are so inconsistent across every language. When you start comparing 3 or more langauges, there are even more inconsistencies.

 

It feels like this, where the numbers represent a consistent "meaning" across languages.

In English preposition x has meanings 1,2, and 7

In German Preposition y has meanings 2, 4, and 7

In Spanish Preposition z has meanings 1, 5, 6, and 7

In Greek Preposition gamma has meanings 1, 4, 6 and 9.

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2 hours ago, Terah said:

 

Me too. And I watch Netflix in English (with English subtitles, because I often have trouble understanding the different dialects or when people talk fast). 

 

Had to Google that word. Don't you have those in Finnish? Because they are quite similar in Dutch. 

 

With us it's English and either German or French. And since French is the hardest language ever, and German is quite similar to Dutch I went for German :D

I knew you had a knack for languages, but this is really impressive! I'm really bad at learning a new language. I even struggle with Dutch sometimes :p 

 

 

6 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Prepositions are the Devil's own intestines. They are so inconsistent across every language. When you start comparing 3 or more langauges, there are even more inconsistencies.

 

It feels like this, where the numbers represent a consistent "meaning" across languages.

In English preposition x has meanings 1,2, and 7

In German Preposition y has meanings 2, 4, and 7

In Spanish Preposition z has meanings 1, 5, 6, and 7

In Greek Preposition gamma has meanings 1, 4, 6 and 9.

 

I watch Netflix often with English subtitles, too! And nope, Finnish doesn't have prepositions. We handle those semantics with suffixes:

 

talo = a house

talon = house's

talossa = in a house

taloon = the the house

 

And so forth. We just throw in little morphemes that help us understand one another :D

 

I do have to say that I didn't find French as difficult as, say, Russian (and the French I've studied has enabled me to understand Spanish pretty well). I actually really like Russian, I should just find some way to hear it more in my everyday life...! I could take that as a side-hobby :D I just really enjoy languages, and I think that explains some of the reason I love coding: I'm basically communicating with the computer in some programming language! Oooh I'm getting excited...

 

1 hour ago, Arkania said:

 

Wuhu, noch jemand der deutsch spricht hier :)

 

 

24 minutes ago, Terah said:

Ohne ein bischen. Ich kan es lesen und verstehen, nicht guht sprechen und schreiben :)

 

 

no-answer.gif

 

I could actually somewhat translate what Terah said, but Arkania's "noch jemand" I didn't get on my own :D (I used DeepL to translate. I'm gonna need to remember the website, looks really neat!)

 

11 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

Hi Ensi! I'm sorry to hear that you're sick. :(

 

Edit: It looks like that was actually a while ago. Congratulations on the job!!

 

Thank you!! And nice to see you here :) And oh, I'm still a bit sick, so haha. Thanks!! :D

 

**

 

It was really hard to step into the Dimension of IRL today. I've somehow lost my confidence for doing art, and it was really hard to get started - I think this prolonged flu has beaten my spirits a bit. But then I remembered two things: Freddie Mercury, and the video Terah linked some time ago. So, I reminded myself that my art is good, as long as I do it my own way. Then I acknowledged the reason I was procrastinating (feeling of not being good enough), forgave myself for having that feeling, and then encouraged myself to work for five minutes. I got started, and made really good progress on the game graphics :) I can continue working tomorrow, now I'm just gonna thank myself for doing a good job today!

 

As for the flu: it has been really bad for the past couple of days, but I've felt a bit better today. This started a week ago on Sunday, sooo it's about time I start healing for reals :D I slept really well last night, so I'm gonna go to bed early today, too. I went to get some groceries in the morning and I did some light yoga to get some movement, but I've been pretty much in bed or sitting down. I hope that I can rest this away so that I don't need to get antibiotics...! As said, I think this sickness has beaten my spirits down a bit, but I'm still good and stable. I am really grateful for the job opportunity that came up, and I haven't felt anxious or lonely in a long, long time. I feel like I don't need to struggle to stay happy, as I did before. This is a big deal to me after years of struggling, and I think this is something I can keep doing :) I do hope I get to see Kyle before I leave for Winterfell in a couple of weeks, though! I miss him D8< OK some relationship -ish and confidence related things under spoilers, because not all are probably interested:

 

Spoiler

so I've been thinking about the fact most of my crushes have been very similar: having a very unclear "will we, won't we?" setting with someone I've had a pretty intense crush on, and in the end it hasn't worked. After Vinnie this spring, I started thinking that the common element in every situation has been me. Why have I stayed in those situations? And now that I feel at peace and not lonely, I understand that I've been very uncertain of myself, and looked for validation from the people I've had crushes on (I recently read a really good article about how intense crushes might be a sign of insecurity). I've also been really fricking confused about myself and my feelings, and trying to understand what people tell me (for example, I've had guilt about not feeling a certain way about Woodkid, because Mom tells me things like "it's just gonna be fun when you meet the right person!" and later on "you and Woodkid sure have fun together, right?" and uuurgh). I tried to work on my insecurities this summer, and I really felt like making progress. So, when Kyle started to seem interested, I still pushed him away, because I wasn't sure if I was gonna end up in another "will we, won't we?" bullshit circle that I just can't handle right now :D I also had misjudged him, because now that I've gotten to know him better, I've realized that he's a really kind person with a terrific sense of humour. I also notice that I don't have such an intense crush as I've had, and all in all, I'm pretty calm about the whole thing - I just miss him and look forwards to seeing him. But I still feel like I'm not allowed to choose to go after this. I feel like I have to always be smart about my choices, and that I'm not capable of understanding, who's good for me and who's not. I just try to not see this as something that's so goddarn serious. I am allowed to get to know people, and as long as I take care of myself and my boundaries, it will be fine, right? Uuuurgh I don't know. I'm just trying to find my way to do relationships, OK. I'm just gonna go cry intensely now :DD

 

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49 minutes ago, Arkania said:

Alsjeblieft/Alstublieft, lekker lekker, bedankt/dank u well. :)

If you add "hallo" and "tot ziens" you should be golden when visiting the Netherlands :D

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8 minutes ago, Ensi said:

and that I'm not capable of understanding, who's good for me and who's not.

My mom told me that when the person you're with makes you act differently, makes you feel like you have to change who you are, then that person is not the one for you. If you can be yourself around him, just go for it. You' re an amazing person and you deserve to be happy <3 

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