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Ensi

Ensi And The Dimension Of IRL

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11 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There has been a phantom Title Changer running around the forums lately.

 

Aww :D My thanks to the phantom!

 

**

 

Oh my god shark week hurts x__x I'm really emotional right now, too: Dad said he's thinking of building a small shelter to a little bird that's trying to find warmth from underneath our roof, and I almost started crying :DD Thank goodness it's Christmas break. I'm giving myself time and rest now... I'm gonna spend time with my parents, and do some light kettlebell exercises.

 

Yeah, dating feels under the spoilers!

 

Spoiler

Kyle has now left for the vacation in America, and I don't expect to hear from him much today (it's over 17 hours of travelling for him...). He said he's gonna send me a message when he gets there :) We were gonna have coffee together last Monday, but his friend called him and asked if Kyle could help him with his company's network, which had gone down. Kyle thought it would take only a moment, but it took all day :< But his friend said he's gonna pay us to go to a restaurant together, so I'm not complaining too much :D Kyle knows a lot about networking, because he used to set up huge LAN parties in high school O__o I'm gonna ask him if he could help me understand networking a bit better...

 

I'm still so baffled about this situation: a kind, friendly, funny man with a lot of talents, friends, and a good relationship with his family likes me?? Also, he's tall and has the loveliest smile?? He's good at having conversations (asks me questions, wishes me good morning and good night), I can talk to him about anything, and he doesn't feel clingy or insecure (but doesn't feel arrogant or anything - and he admitted that he was nervous about being too old for me). But I don't also feel like this is too good to be true: during this whole time we got to know each other, I never thought if I'm good enough for him. I actually felt like I could be completely myself with him from the start. I do recognize that I still expect him to start distancing himself at any moment, or lose interest, but I also have a feeling that it's not gonna happen. I try to work on my own insecure thoughts without pouring it all on him: it's enough for now that he knows I might be a bit insecure at the start, and he said that it's OK. It's just happened so many times that I've been the second option that I've accepted it to be a norm, and toughened myself up and tried to just live alone. I just feel really happy and peaceful about the situation, and I actually didn't even think too much about whether asking his number was a good idea - a part of me just made me do it. I can't wait to get to spend some time with outside work next year :D

 

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3 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

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I'm still so baffled about this situation: a kind, friendly, funny man with a lot of talents, friends, and a good relationship with his family likes me?? Also, he's tall and has the loveliest smile?? He's good at having conversations (asks me questions, wishes me good morning and good night), I can talk to him about anything, and he doesn't feel clingy or insecure (but doesn't feel arrogant or anything - and he admitted that he was nervous about being too old for me).

 

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3 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

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But I don't also feel like this is too good to be true: during this whole time we got to know each other, I never thought if I'm good enough for him. I actually felt like I could be completely myself with him from the start.

 

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4 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

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I do recognize that I still expect him to start distancing himself at any moment, or lose interest, but I also have a feeling that it's not gonna happen.

 

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Fear of abandonment can poison a relationship if not dealt with. Sometimes people get so scared and convinced someone is going to leave them they drive that person away or just up and leave before they can be abandoned. Sort of an "I'll leave you back before you leave me first" kind of deal. I do believe you are working on that. One thing I can suggest is work on forgiving all those who have abandoned you in the past and healing from those traumas. That will give the past less power over the present. If you are not worrying about those past events it frees up your brain and heart to focus on present events.

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7 hours ago, Ensi said:

dating feels under the spoilers!

Looks like you found yourself a guy just as amazing as you are <3 

Don't forget: he is extremely lucky to have found you. 

 

And listen to Tank, he is wise

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1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Fear of abandonment can poison a relationship if not dealt with. Sometimes people get so scared and convinced someone is going to leave them they drive that person away or just up and leave before they can be abandoned. Sort of an "I'll leave you back before you leave me first" kind of deal. I do believe you are working on that. One thing I can suggest is work on forgiving all those who have abandoned you in the past and healing from those traumas. That will give the past less power over the present. If you are not worrying about those past events it frees up your brain and heart to focus on present events.

 

You're so, so right, and I could see this sort of thinking ruining this whole thing. The thing is that even though I have passing thoughts like that, I can rationalize most of the time that this is not the case now. Like, I have such a certain feeling about him that I only get a passing thought, "but what if?" and even then I can tell myself that he's not only a crush: he's my friend, and he's doing his best to tell me he wants me just as I am (that's literally what he's said). We got to know each other before I thought of him like that, which helps, too. And I think I have managed to actually deal with the fear of abandonment pretty well, because these thoughts are so weak. They've been a lot stronger before with other crushes, but not now. I think I will be able to face my fears, because if he's the type of person I've come to know, then I really want to make this work. That forgiveness is something I agree with: it frees me from expecting those people from the past to do anything more for me. I got this, and I'm gonna allow myself to trust him :) Thanks for giving advice, you always have such wise things to say!

 

4 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

 

giphy.gif

 

 

1 hour ago, Terah said:

Looks like you found yourself a guy just as amazing as you are <3 

Don't forget: he is extremely lucky to have found you. 

 

And listen to Tank, he is wise

 

Thanks to you, too! As said, I'll allow myself to build trust and get to know him better. I'll be fine and happy in the end, whatever happens. I'm just so happy to have found him: we've been talking about how we're gonna watch movies, play video games, just hang out and what-not ;) He also wants to take me out on a proper date, and I can't wait for it :P I'm totally discovering a whole new side to myself, and I'm liking it :D

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On 12/20/2018 at 5:37 PM, Ensi said:

He also wants to take me out on a proper date,

I expect a full report when you come back from this ;)

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself so much ((happy hugs)) 

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Hi everyone! Sorry for my inactivity here, but the Dimension of IRL has ... "taken me hard" sounds wrong. Uhh. I've been really deep in the Dimension of IRL? Goodness gosh

 

ANYWAY. I had a nice Christmas break, and I went skiing a couple of times :) I was already feeling a bit homesick, so it was nice to come back home...! Kyle picked me up from the station, and we spent some time together before he went to work.

 

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... and even though I feel great, I'm also working really hard on some anxious thoughts about this situation. I told Mom that I'm seeing someone, and she has been really worried the whole holiday, telling me to be careful and asking if I'll get in trouble. I caught some of that nervousness, and I keep wondering what she'd think about Kyle. At the same time, I now have someone closer than in years, and it is a bit nerving to me - but then I remember that Kyle is someone I can easily talk about my feelings with. So, I'm currently trying to figure out how I really feel, and how much of this is nervousness I picked up from Mom. The thing is, I've also started to see my life and myself from a whole new perspective: with Kyle, I can see myself as I am, with my strength and weaknesses. I've somehow been able to see that perfect image of myself I've had in my head, and now I feel like I don't need it anymore. I don't mean that I can't keep evolving or anything like that, it's just that I feel like I can see some useless layer of demands and perfectionist goals that just suffocates me and holds me back from doing things. I don't need to be fit, or the brightest or the BEST to be happy. I can enjoy life, and see what I could become! But by god, I need to handle my mommy issues so that I can live my own life without the fears and demands of others.

 

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current mood

 

Bottom line: I've immersed myself in the Dimension of IRL hard, and it's wonderful and scary here. Nevertheless, I'll get back to being active here on the boards now again :) I wish you all a happy New Year 2019!!

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55 minutes ago, Ensi said:

she has been really worried the whole holiday, telling me to be careful and asking if I'll get in trouble

Why is that?

 

And happy new year :)

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33 minutes ago, Arkania said:

Why is that?

 

I don't know, and neither does she: I called her just now and we talked about this. She said it's just the way she talks, and I told her that it really affects me. We had a good talk, and we agreed both to take some space and figure ourselves out (she's had her own share of stress this autumn). I think I could be a lot better a person, if I got out of this cage of fear and perfection I've put myself in. Then again, I am gonna allow myself to fumble around and see what's going on for real. I'm a bit messy right now, but I feel safe, and I'm just gonna keep rolling :D

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Alright, I'm keeping a battle log in 2019! You're all very welcome to follow me there :) Thanks for the amazing support you all gave me last year, it's been wonderful to grow and get better with y'all. I wish you all a happy new year :)

 

 

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On 1/2/2019 at 10:42 AM, Ensi said:

But by god, I need to handle my mommy issues so that I can live my own life without the fears and demands of others

It's normal to care about what your parents think. I still value my mom's input when it comes to raising my boys. The trick is to recognize what advice is helpful to you and what isn't. And to be honest: I still struggle with this on occasion. It does help that my mom has taken a step back and doesn't try to help me with everything anymore (she's been in therapy). 

 

From what you've told us about kyle, I don't see any reason for alarm and I think you shouldn't doubt the good thing you've going on right now <4 

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