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Ensi

Ensi And The Dimension Of IRL

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16 minutes ago, Terah said:

My mom told me that when the person you're with makes you act differently, makes you feel like you have to change who you are, then that person is not the one for you. If you can be yourself around him, just go for it. You' re an amazing person and you deserve to be happy <3 

 

Spoiler

That's already a lot better than "you'll just know!" because I sure as hell have thought I've known, and it's actually been a really toxic situation :D And I guess I struggle with thinking that I don't deserve it. Like I'm a waste of time, because I'm not sure if I can give the other person what they need, even though I'd want to. I'm afraid that they will be really unhappy with me. I understand where these thoughts come from, though. I think I've managed to process a lot of difficulties I have when communicating with friends and family, but I still struggle with dating and relationships. I'm just a bit confused about these things, because when I was a kid, men and boys mostly either bullied or ignored me. And it's unfair towards the really kind and wonderful men I have in my life these days that I have this fear that they're gonna hurt me. I'm also ashamed to talk about this, because it's just something I haven't properly handled, and I'm already this old and I feel like people's reactions are something along the lines, "that's so childish!" or "grow up already!" It's just another thing I have to deal with sooner or later, I guess. I'd need someone I could communicate about my difficulties, too, so that I could do it in a safe way. But I know I have to do the work myself, and learn how to trust that people really like me for who I am, and not feel like I have to constantly be giving my everything to be worth their while. It has probably a lot to do with my need for control, too. But control just keeps me from living, that's for sure. Baww. I just need to muster the courage to live without constantly thinking what others think of me or my choices. So easy, right? :D

 

Thanks for listening, I'm gonna go to bed now. Good night, everyone :)

 

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25 minutes ago, Ensi said:

because I'm not sure if I can give the other person what they need, even though I'd want to. 

I can't give my husband everything he needs all the time, but as long as I am open and honest about it, it's okay. And he knows that I am there for him, no matter what. And it's the same the other way around. At the end of the day we're just two people that love each other and who do the best they can. That's all that counts. 

So stop thinking you have not enough to give. You clearly have the intention to. It is enough. You are enough <3 

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Spoiler

Ensi, your struggles are valid and it is normal to feel the way you do after what you have endured. It can be as simple as "Do I like this person?" If yes, hang out more, if no, do nothing else different. That's an oversimplification of course. You are wise to address all the emotional issues you have brought up.

 

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4 hours ago, Ensi said:

It was really hard to step into the Dimension of IRL today. I've somehow lost my confidence for doing art, and it was really hard to get started - I think this prolonged flu has beaten my spirits a bit. But then I remembered two things: Freddie Mercury, and the video Terah linked some time ago. So, I reminded myself that my art is good, as long as I do it my own way. Then I acknowledged the reason I was procrastinating (feeling of not being good enough), forgave myself for having that feeling, and then encouraged myself to work for five minutes. I got started, and made really good progress on the game graphics :) I can continue working tomorrow, now I'm just gonna thank myself for doing a good job today!

 

Nice job! It's definitely hard to do creative work sometimes but you pushed through it, that's awesome! The language discussion is fascinating by the way. :)

 

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On 12/4/2018 at 11:38 PM, Terah said:

I can't give my husband everything he needs all the time, but as long as I am open and honest about it, it's okay. And he knows that I am there for him, no matter what. And it's the same the other way around. At the end of the day we're just two people that love each other and who do the best they can. That's all that counts. 

So stop thinking you have not enough to give. You clearly have the intention to. It is enough. You are enough <3 

 

On 12/5/2018 at 1:44 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:
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Ensi, your struggles are valid and it is normal to feel the way you do after what you have endured. It can be as simple as "Do I like this person?" If yes, hang out more, if no, do nothing else different. That's an oversimplification of course. You are wise to address all the emotional issues you have brought up.

 

 

Spoiler

I understand that this is how it should be, and if someone asked me to fill their every need, it wouldn't be right. If I took space when I was a kid or left situations that were too much for me, I was disciplined for being too sensitive and demanding. In hindsight, it was unfair, because it was usually a small, sensitive little girl against an older, very aggressive man. I think I wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviour anymore, but I just don't know. We didn't talk about things in my family, I had to learn that after I moved out. I actually remember one time I tried talking after something that had come up (after I had learned to talk about things), and it was really hard, because my family member wouldn't communicate back at all / in a very defensive manner (this family member has really learned to calm himself down, and things are lot better these days. yay!). I also remember when I had difficulties talking with crushes, I was told "guys don't like talking about things" and it felt so weird to me, and made me feel like maybe guys aren't interested in spending time with me at all. All in all, I grew up in this house where all feminine was deemed less-than, so I've had to reclaim myself during these years - and now I'm really careful of who I give my time to. With everything I went through as a kid, I just always feel like I'd be nothing but a dumb sidenote in a romantic partner's life. But I want to work on these thoughts, because I've started to think that I'd like to have someone to share my life with. I'm happy by myself at the moment and I have a ton of things to do + social circles, and actually, I think that those things being in check has made me feel safe and confident enough to think about dating. And I know that I can talk about this as much as I want: nothing beats the experience of going out there and seeing, what'll happen. I can do it in a safe way, I'm sure. Just time and patience, right? :) Thanks to you both for listening and giving me your perspective. This is something I struggle talking about, because maybe I don't understand how much these things still affect me to this day. Then again, these fears aren't as strong as they have been, because I actually want to go out there and experience things myself! We'll see what happens :D

 

On 12/5/2018 at 2:56 AM, Jupiter said:

 

Nice job! It's definitely hard to do creative work sometimes but you pushed through it, that's awesome! The language discussion is fascinating by the way. :)

 

 

Thanks! It's really hard at times, because I have my own idea of what my work should look like, and it makes it hard to get started. But it's another situation where it's just necessary to let go of the control and expectations, and try to have some fun. Why would someone enjoy reading something that was forced into existence? Actually, I've never thought about it this way, only now that I'm typing it. Hmm... Need to think about this :D

 

Yup, it's lovely to see that this is a very international community! Are you a native English speaker?

 

 

**

 

-- the following content is a story of an awkward white chick attending a party --

 

So, yesterday morning I was still in bed at 8:20, when the phone rang and my boss from library asked if I could come to work at from 10 AM to 4 PM. I took some time to figure out my flu situation, but realized that I actually felt good enough to go. So, I didn't have much time to even consider going online :D Work was OK, but I started to feel pretty worn out after 3 PM. After my shift, I stayed and chatted with a coworker, and we talked about the library's pre-Christmas party that would start in three hours. I decided to go home and rest, and I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna go there. I had this feeling that I would be awkward there, that no one would want me there, and I felt too much and too big and too loud. Somewhere in my brain I knew this to be bullshit, and I decided that I could go have dinner with them and leave whenever I felt like it. I put on my jeans, shirt and cardigan, and went there. I panicked almost right away, because I saw people wearing dresses and I realized that I might have underdressed, but then I remembered that Vinnie was staying there after work, and he's always wearing the same black hoodie. I was right, and so I went to hang around with him and a couple of other casually dressed people. Phew! Then what happened was that as my coworkers saw me, they came to hang around with me and told me they were happy to see me there. I started to relax a little by little, and ended up having a really nice evening :) I understand that my uncertainty was probably caused by the flu, because it's worn me out and made me feel tired. I felt safe and welcome all evening - the only thing that was off was that we had a guard there, and he wasn't Kyle :P I left home at 11 PM with another coworker and walked her to the buss stop.

 

As for eating, food wasn't my center of attention. I had dinner, which was delicious, and had some wine with it. Later on, I had some coffee and cake, and a liquor shot. So yeah, I did't really feel guilty for anything I ate, because I knew that it didn't matter, nor was it gonna "ruin my progress". A couple of years ago, I would have started a "vegetable detox" this morning! I was in bed at 1 AM, and now I'm sipping away my morning coffee after some omelette and sweet potato for breakfast. I might have some more coffee and play some PlayStation now...

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50 minutes ago, Ensi said:

I might have some more coffee and play some PlayStation now...

 

That's the spirit! :D

 

I sometimes have that feeling to (don'T go to the party, no one likes you) but most of the time all are very friendly and nice and miss me when I am not there.

When I met my bf, who is luxembourgish, I had hard times visiting his family. Most of the luxembourgish people speak german, they learn it in school. But the wife of his father is brazilian so just speaks french and understands a bit luxembourgish. And at parties there are a lot of her friends too who also just speak french (even no one speaks english there).

And cultural they are a bit... hm... reserved :D

So I had the issue that I don't speak luxembourgish nor french, so some of them (brazilian part) couldn't talk to me and the others (luxembourgish part) didn't want to talk to me in german because they were ashamed of their pronunciation. Vicious circle :D

Now it is ok, to the french part I talk with hands, feet, englishgermanluxembourgishfrench and to the others I talk german. They talk luxembourgish because I understand that all.

But yeah, it still feels sort of uncomfortable to be there and can't be as open and extroverted as I am normally.

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7 hours ago, Ensi said:

Thanks! It's really hard at times, because I have my own idea of what my work should look like, and it makes it hard to get started. But it's another situation where it's just necessary to let go of the control and expectations, and try to have some fun. Why would someone enjoy reading something that was forced into existence? Actually, I've never thought about it this way, only now that I'm typing it. Hmm... Need to think about this :D

 

Yup, it's lovely to see that this is a very international community! Are you a native English speaker?

 

Yeah, I go through the same thing. The vision in my head always seems to be different than the product I end up with, but I think that's just the nature of the beast, LOL. You just have to push through and do it anyway. If you love what you're doing, others will too. :) 

 

Yup, native English speaker. :) 

 

 

7 hours ago, Ensi said:

I also remember when I had difficulties talking with crushes, I was told "guys don't like talking about things" and it felt so weird to me, and made me feel like maybe guys aren't interested in spending time with me at all. All in all, I grew up in this house where all feminine was deemed less-than, so I've had to reclaim myself during these years - and now I'm really careful of who I give my time to. With everything I went through as a kid, I just always feel like I'd be nothing but a dumb sidenote in a romantic partner's life.

 

Sounds like a toxic situation to me...no one should be made to feel less than or a side note. You are more than enough.

 

See the source image 

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7 hours ago, Ensi said:

these fears aren't as strong as they have been, because I actually want to go out there and experience things myself

You've grown into a strong and smart woman <3 

 

7 hours ago, Ensi said:

and I decided that I could go have dinner with them and leave whenever I felt like it

Well done! 

 

6 hours ago, Arkania said:

englishgermanluxembourgishfrench

Sounds really complicated :D

I never even new the Luxembourgians had their own language. I always thought they spoke French. 

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They have their own language and they learn 3 languages in school.

So they speak luxembourgish, french, german and english. Sometimes also portugese, because there are a lot of portogese immigrants in Luxemburg.

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11 minutes ago, Arkania said:

So they speak luxembourgish, french, german and english.

Now I'm feeling a little left out: the Netherlands is also a neighbor country of theirs! ;)

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1 minute ago, Terah said:

Now I'm feeling a little left out: the Netherlands is also a neighbor country of theirs! ;)

 

Not near enough :D

Even though it's BeNeLux and not BeFrLuxDe or sth :D

 

 

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On 12/6/2018 at 9:49 AM, Arkania said:

I sometimes have that feeling to (don'T go to the party, no one likes you) but most of the time all are very friendly and nice and miss me when I am not there.

When I met my bf, who is luxembourgish, I had hard times visiting his family. Most of the luxembourgish people speak german, they learn it in school. But the wife of his father is brazilian so just speaks french and understands a bit luxembourgish. And at parties there are a lot of her friends too who also just speak french (even no one speaks english there).

And cultural they are a bit... hm... reserved :D

So I had the issue that I don't speak luxembourgish nor french, so some of them (brazilian part) couldn't talk to me and the others (luxembourgish part) didn't want to talk to me in german because they were ashamed of their pronunciation. Vicious circle :D

Now it is ok, to the french part I talk with hands, feet, englishgermanluxembourgishfrench and to the others I talk german. They talk luxembourgish because I understand that all.

But yeah, it still feels sort of uncomfortable to be there and can't be as open and extroverted as I am normally.

 

True, the reality is usually very different than we think! There was this coworker who saw me from the other side of the big hall, and immediately came all the way through the hall to say "hi, wonderful to see you here!" and I started to realize that I was wrong to think no one wanted me there :D But I think my insecurity was caused by the flu: I didn't feel quite myself after spending so much time healing. Making a slow recovery now :D

 

tumblr_pj9dbdFdWt1wo9a4bo1_500.jpg

 

Phew, as if meeting the family of your bf wasn't exciting enough, then there's a language barrier...! I often wonder how different people are when they talk in language that's not their native tongue. There's a mute customer at the library, and he often just makes hand gestures and a lot of noises to us so that we can understand him. Then, sometimes, I see him discussing with someone with sign language, and I realize that there's no way for me to truly know him, if I don't learn sign language. Maybe one day!

 

On 12/6/2018 at 4:12 PM, Jupiter said:

 

Yeah, I go through the same thing. The vision in my head always seems to be different than the product I end up with, but I think that's just the nature of the beast, LOL. You just have to push through and do it anyway. If you love what you're doing, others will too. :) 

 

Sounds like a toxic situation to me...no one should be made to feel less than or a side note. You are more than enough.

 

 

"If you love what you're doing, others will too" that's something I'm gonna remember, as I go through my final few course assignments! Thanks :) And yeah, I'm thinking that I've gone through some toxic situations, but I'm ready for the good times!!

 

 

(Laundry Service had such good songs, tho)

 

On 12/6/2018 at 4:24 PM, Terah said:

You've grown into a strong and smart woman <3 

 

YEAH. And guess what? I'm going to a hair dresser in a couple of hours, so I'll be a strong and smart woman with great hair :DD

 

**

 

It is Saturday, and I'm loving it how I can spend time on my own today and tomorrow! I've had a lot of things to do, and I'm sick of spending so much time on chat with people all the time. I did some yoga and light kettlebell rows to get some exercise after being ill, and I'm just gonna support myself to get back in health now. Being sick threw me off my schedule and I've had some anxiety about getting everything done, but I'm doing my best to take care of myself and take things less seriously. I try to pay an equal amount of attention to things that have nothing to do with my studies, which has been helpful. The other night, I woke up and thoughts were running around my head, and there was this negative voice, saying: "that thing tomorrow is gonna be so difficult, uurgh". I asked myself, "why is this negative voice the one that's saying things in my head? Is there anything positive?" And then I started thinking that maybe the weather will be beautiful, maybe I'll see someone friendly and make a good joke, maybe I can ask for help when I feel stuck... And it started to help! I understand that I've been working hard this autumn and these negative and tired thoughts are a result of that. I need a break, but I'm happy to find some remedies like these before my Christmas break instead of thinking that I have to struggle one more week, and can't rest until the break :) This might be a good strategy to keep myself sane during studies and other hectic work...

 

I'm going to hairdresser's in a couple of hours to finally get a haircut! My current hairdo is a mess, and I'm frustrated with it on a daily basis :D I was thinking of going on my Christmas break, but I figured that I don't need to wait that long. I'm gonna pamper myself today to make this time of finishing some studies as pleasant as possible. I also watched Fury Road this morning, it's still great :D Have a lovely Saturday, everyone!

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54 minutes ago, Ensi said:

I'll be a strong and smart woman with great hair

Whoop whoop!

 

54 minutes ago, Ensi said:

if I don't learn sign language. Maybe one day!

I know a bit of sign language as my SIL is deaf (she became deaf at 18 and has an CI now, so she can hear a little bit). It's really fun to learn. Did you know that sign language is different in each country? And there are even different dialects within a country? It's really interesting stuff :) 

We're teaching our boys sign language too. They got sooooo excited yesterday when they learned the sign for "poop" :D :D :D  

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1 hour ago, Ensi said:

Phew, as if meeting the family of your bf wasn't exciting enough, then there's a language barrier...!

 

The most of the family speak german or even luxembourgish but not all and I blame myself for not learning french to talk to these people.

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18 hours ago, Terah said:

 

I know a bit of sign language as my SIL is deaf (she became deaf at 18 and has an CI now, so she can hear a little bit). It's really fun to learn. Did you know that sign language is different in each country? And there are even different dialects within a country? It's really interesting stuff :) 

We're teaching our boys sign language too. They got sooooo excited yesterday when they learned the sign for "poop" :D :D :D  

 

Yup, I knew that there are different sign languages in different countries, but I hadn't thought about dialects that much! But sure, it's totally natural for a language to develop within the community it's used in :D I learned to sign the alphabets at some point, but now I'm afraid I've forgotten them. Too much information in my little head... But "poop" is definitely important!! :DD

 

17 hours ago, Arkania said:

 

The most of the family speak german or even luxembourgish but not all and I blame myself for not learning french to talk to these people.

 

:D Maybe learn some essentials! "Oui oui, la baguette, je l'adore!"

 

**

 

It is Sunday, and I have a new haircut B) The hairdresser herself was great, we talked about video games while she clipped away! But I was just horrified, looking myself in the mirror: I looked sick and tired :'D It's been a rough couple of weeks, and I'm still not quite recovered from the disease I had. But I feel like my nerves are calming down, and I made a couple of changes to the game graphics that fixed a few issues I've had with them. This alleviates the dread I've had about having to present them in front of the entire class next Thursday :'D Now I'm just adding details and having fun:

 

Spoiler

47396850_362302511203360_7354324749217955840_n.png?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ht=scontent-arn2-1.xx&oh=2a94adc2105ffb10d155b6dd7861491e&oe=5C93F310

 

I've done some extra mental work to focus on the positive things in my days, and I'm starting to notice a change. I woke up this morning and thought, "How about I face today with intention and certainty, instead of dreading if I'm gonna get everything done?" And so, that's today's mood. It's just that I've realized that I always focus on these passing things and how they can go right or wrong, and I pay very little attention to my daily structure: how I am able to have a healthy breakfast every morning, how there's space for positive surprises, how I'm able to commute between places I need to be...! I'm not ignoring my duties, but I'm paying more attention to the things that do work and that offer me comfort, you know. And seeing how much already works is starting to feel really nice...! I'm just gonna take an exam at 5 PM (an online exam), but other than that, I'm gonna stay close to home, clean up a bit, and study. Tax refunds and paycheck are gonna roll in next week, so I can pay my bills and buy a train ticket to Winterfell.

 

tumblr_mrhl7kPelz1rm9sqwo1_400.gif

me on my way to make bad decisions

 

 

Have a lovely Sunday, everyone! :)

 

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16 hours ago, Ensi said:

It is Sunday, and I have a new haircut B) The hairdresser herself was great, we talked about video games while she clipped away! But I was just horrified, looking myself in the mirror: I looked sick and tired :'D It's been a rough couple of weeks, and I'm still not quite recovered from the disease I had.

There was a discussion over in @fleaball's thread or battlelog about how the necessities of haircutting mean the lighting and mirrors in salons are usually very unflattering for appearance.

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6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There was a discussion over in @fleaball's thread or battlelog about how the necessities of haircutting mean the lighting and mirrors in salons are usually very unflattering for appearance.

 

knew there was an explanation! :'D

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This morning's list:

 

  • worked on game graphics
  • did some yoga

 

Hey, I think I can honestly say that I'm happy with how much I've managed to cut down on the time I spend on social media! I get a lot of stuff done, and I still allow myself to indulge in funny animal videos every now and then. I've also realized that my main issue has been that I'm scared of not being good enough, and I've tackled that with some strategies.

 

Today has been a good day. I've studied, got myself some antihistamines (I still take them a couple of days every month, when the rash gets worse), and now I'm working on a programming assignment. I'm really happy about being able to code quicker than before, and I understand some concepts in a whole new way...! All the work I've put in is paying off, and I'm somehow more relaxed with coding these days. I used to look for the "one right way" to solve the problems, but now I see that there might be several ways to solve one problem, and I just need to pick the one that's most appropriate. I'm very nearly done with the gaming graphics, and a couple of other courses. I feel competent and able to get everything done, and I'm gonna do some relaxed studying during my Christmas break.

 

I also understand that I've let my thinking mind get in the way of listening to my hunger signals and my body's needs, so I've tried listening to my body a bit more today. The thing is that I am eating too much - not because I try to restrict, but because I'm afraid that if I don't eat enough, I won't have enough energy to deal with my studies, work and all. I had a burnout in 2012, which was greatly due to over exercising and eating too little. I recovered fine, but it was only when I started IE last year that I got a lot more mental and physical energy...! So, I made a connection with my head: "if I don't eat enough, I risk burning out". And now I've been stuffing myself beyond the point of being comfortably full. It's understandable that I've been doing this, but I'm trying to give my body more attention now. It knows the best :D Have a lovely Monday, everyone!

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Just butting in on the language talk (yeah, had some thread catching up to do).

 

I'm a native Dutch speaker (well, actually Flemish, and a dialect that's so distinct that I doubt they'd understand a single word I'd say in the Netherlands if I didn't clean it up a little :P), but like everyone here, I'm also fluent in other languages, mainly French (although not to the extent I'd like to) and English (movies helped greatly here), and I can manage in German.

 

The fun thing about native Dutch speakers is that you can make yourself understood in German just by speaking Dutch, but giving every word a more German pronounciation. Jean-Marie Pfaff (Belgian goalkeeper in the 70s and 80s, played at Bayern Munchen for a while) excelled at this, and while he's severely mocked for it here, he always got away with it. :D

 

 

Still hilarious, though. :P

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3 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

I'm a native Dutch speaker (well, actually Flemish

Flemish IS NOT DUTCH. Especially on the phone I cannot understand someone speaking Flemish :p 

Also: a tv show in Flemish has subtitles in the Netherlands, a tv show in Dutch has no subtitles in Belgium. 

 

3 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

The fun thing about native Dutch speakers is that you can make yourself understood in German just by speaking Dutch, but giving every word a more German pronounciation. Jean-Marie Pfaff (Belgian goalkeeper in the 70s and 80s, played at Bayern Munchen for a while) excelled at this, and while he's severely mocked for it here, he always got away with it. :D

Whahaha, that's how I sound when trying to speak German :D Although the Dutch words he puts in there are more Brabants, as mine are more Utrechts (soft G vs. hard G).

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10 minutes ago, Terah said:

Flemish IS NOT DUTCH.

It's the same in written form, though. :D

"Clean" Flemish should be perfectly understandable in the Netherlands, though. It's the many dialects, especially West-Flemish (the one where I live), that make it hard to understand. :P

 

11 minutes ago, Terah said:

Although the Dutch words he puts in there are more Brabants, as mine are more Utrechts (soft G vs. hard G).

Fun fact about my local dialect: we pronounce every G as an H.

"Gij hebt geen geheugen, gij." becomes "H'è hin heheuhen, hie." :P

Exemplified by this (locally somewhat known, but otherwise VERY obscure) song. :D

 

Common misconception: "West-Flemish" uses an H for a G and a G for an H.

WRONG!

We use an H for a G, and we drop the H altogether in most cases (unless it's absolutely necessary to link different syllables together). B)

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7 minutes ago, TimovieMan said:

O my, I didn't understand half of it :D

 

 

8 minutes ago, TimovieMan said:

It's the same in written form, though. :D

Some sayings and words are different though. We don't use the word "Gij" and I believe you don't use the words "je" and "jij" for example. And we definitely don't say "amai" :D (Learned that one watching "Samson en Gert" ;)

 

14 minutes ago, TimovieMan said:

We use an H for a G, and we drop the H altogether in most cases (

That sounds really complicated O_O

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4 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

The fun thing about native Dutch speakers is that you can make yourself understood in German just by speaking Dutch, but giving every word a more German pronounciation.

I can do the same thing with English. It doesn't help people who only speak German understand me though.

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53 minutes ago, Terah said:

Some sayings and words are different though. We don't use the word "Gij" and I believe you don't use the words "je" and "jij" for example. And we definitely don't say "amai" :D (Learned that one watching "Samson en Gert" ;)

We do use "je" and "jij". "Gij" is archaic but is very much used in the local dialect. Although we turn it into "hie". :) 

 

Oh, another fun fact about my local dialect: we conjugate "yes" and "no" as if they were verbs. :P

Ja -> joak - joag - joaj - joas - joat - joam - joag - joans

Nee -> neink - nieg - neij - neins - neint - niem - nieg - neins

 

And then we're surprised that our dialect gets mocked everywhere in Flanders. :D

  • Haha 1

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