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Heidi

MiniChallenge for this week:

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 Be fully present with ourselves and with our feelings.

Acknowledge what is difficult or tender in yourself this week. Honor it by journaling or simply letting the feeling be real. Ask how this feeling came to be, exploring its history and what wounds it might reveal.

 

*Compassionate attention is step one.

*Step two is then to forgive and release the past. 

 

Liberation from the old wounds opens the Way to a new future.

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I tend to get irritable and even a bit childish when my wife doesn't want to be affectionate. This week, I was less attentive to my own feelings and more attentive to hers. I allowed my feelings to arise, acknowledged them, and asked myself, Why are you feeling this way? The answer that came was, Because I really love her and want her. Then I realized that if I really love her, I will respect her feelings and her wishes in this present moment, as well, not just my own. I allowed myself to become empathetic and understand the exhaustion and stress she is under because of recent health problems, as well as how tiring it can be to keep up with our 6 year old princess. I have to be patient with her, because when she is affectionate it isn't just some quickie or timid thing; she's passionate and enthusiastic (sorry if that's tmi).

 

So this week I am identifying the root of my irritation but not allowing it to take control, and especially not allowing it to cloud my judgements of how my wife feels about me, otherwise I make it about me rather than about our union as a couple.

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The upcoming court date has me being all reluctant and fearful and escapist, not wanting to do anything, not my homework or reading, not even to go out of the house. This, in turn, frustrates me with myself, which is less than helpful.

 

Of course I'm being escapist: this is a horrible path and one that has wounded me deeply, and recently, and shows no sign of relenting. Who wouldn't be escapist in the face of touching a hot stove Yet Again? Sounds healthy, frankly. Sounds compassionate and deeply rooted in the idea that my suffering is a bad thing, which, you know, it is.

 

So lots of tears are allowed, and lots of reluctance is allowed. Actual running away is not allowed, so bravery is called for. Courage of heart is the only way through this. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Do it anyway.

 

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Much love to you this week.
Authenticity is difficult and uncomfortable.

Totally worth it.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Heidi said:

The upcoming court date has me being all reluctant and fearful and escapist, not wanting to do anything, not my homework or reading, not even to go out of the house. This, in turn, frustrates me with myself, which is less than helpful.

 

I'm sorry things are stressful right now. 

 

Image result for hugs gif

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12 hours ago, Heidi said:

Much love to you this week.
Authenticity is difficult and uncomfortable.

Totally worth it.

 

Powerful words there, my friend.

 

top-50-richard-rohr-picture-quotes-rate-

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Admitting the following is a big, scary thing for me because when I have an issue - I default to avoidance and hope the issue resolves itself.  Admitting it means facing it.  Facing it means it's not resolving itself.  If it's not resolving itself, then confrontation is inevitable.  Confrontation makes me defensive, and I end up not expressing myself in a calm and focused manner.

 

So here goes.  Maybe my level headed Druid family can offer some guidance:

 

*Compassionate attention is step one.

  • The difficulty that I've been facing (for quite some time now) is a very strained relationship with my mother.  I love her, but she has been in a bad place (mentally) for quite some time, and after years of putting her needs before mine, I just don't feel like I can do it anymore because she refuses to get help.  I cannot be the one to help her if she refuses to help herself.  A few times, I've gently told her that I think she needs counseling and maybe even anti-depressants only to be attacked by her telling me that that is a very hurtful thing for me to say and that I'm family so it's my duty to be there for her.  I feel like her expectations of me are unrealistic and unattainable.  I just can't anymore.  It affects me in such a deeply negative way that I can't cope anymore.

 

*Step two is then to forgive and release the past. 

  • I'm in the process of trying to forgive and release.  It's been several years of me allowing her to cut me deeply in an emotional way.  I feel like the moment that one cut begins to heal, she comes in and cuts me again (i.e. bringing up her disappointments in me from years and years ago).  I don't know how to release the past when the scars are ever present.  The only thing I can think of right now is to walk away for a while, but I'm not sure how to deal with the guilt of it all.  She always says, "Family is all we have."  But it's not all I have.  It may be all she has, but I have a world of support from my theatre family, my friends, and everyone here at Nerd Fitness.  

 

I haven't spoken with her since Sunday, November 25th.  She was upset with me because she saw some pictures that my friend posted on Facebook of us having lunch one afternoon during our Thanksgiving Break.  She was hurt because, and I quote, "I think it's really nice that you can make time for your friends but not me."  I tried to articulate my defense but she ended up hanging up on me and we haven't spoken since.  And to be honest...the silence has been very healing for me other than the stress of trying to figure out if I'm in the right or not.  Like...who owes whom an apology?  I'm really not sure.  

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19 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

the silence has been very healing for me

this.

 

listen to what is working.

I can't tell you what will work for you or what is going on in your world, but this sounds very toxic for you, and I love you and I know that you deserve your best life. The universe loves you and wants you to be happy. Every day. And that doesn't mean listening to toxic narratives or taking guilt trips.

 

I promise.

 

Please see if you can use this time to find a counselor who understands toxic parenting issues (including a possible borderline situation).

Take the time to heal.

You wrote that this is debilitating, and I believe you. I think it's causing you active suffering and debilitation.

Anyone who doesn't want you to be in a better space of happiness and thriving isn't part of where you are going.

Those who love you will miss you while you are gone, of course, but will support you as you go.

 

This was very brave.

Thank you for sharing that and for letting us see where you are suffering.

You are beautiful.

Keep talking.

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On 12/6/2018 at 5:53 PM, Heidi said:

Authenticity is difficult and uncomfortable.

I somehow missed this the first time reading it.  I think this is the truest thing I've ever read.  

 

I don't really know what kind of advice to give you, but I do know that you are one of the strongest people I've (n)ever met.  If anyone can push through, it's you.

 

Sending all my love.  

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16 minutes ago, LittleTurtle said:

Sending all my love.

Advice is overrated during this ordeal of mine.

Love, on the other hand, is everything.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

<4.

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