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zenLara

✦ Adamantium Legend ✦ ... not another cyborg story...

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Maybe it is too much of an epic thread title for what it will contain: the same old little daily steps towards what is, by now, an unknown destination; and also many, many ramblings… But I’m a bit moody lately and I’m in need of as much smiles as possible, so Adamantium Legend it is.

 

As I’ve said, I don’t really know where I am going right now, therefore there will be no real “goals”, other than the wish to make my life better.

I've reduced my daily habits to the smallest action I can do every day about each of them, to reduce the pressure of my strong inner critic. Doing that little action usually drives me to doing way more, but also allows me to feel that I'm working my way even on those days when I only do the smallest bit.

 

Icelandic: open r/iceland and read one headline.

Maths: open Alecs and do one exercise.

Drawing: open the sketchbook and do a short sketch (2 minutes).

Yoga: sit and do a couple of neck cercles to reduce tension.

Music: take the flute and improvise for a couple of minutes.

Reading: read 1 page.

Strength: 1 push-up, 1 pull-up.

(Not all of my daily actions are listed here, but these are the ones I'm trying to establish as daily habits right now).

 

Also, I'd want to use this battle log as some sort of journal/rambling place where I can talk about the every day small or big things, vent when needed, and learn to talk about what I feel instead of keeping things to myself, which I do too much because there is a part of myself that says "I don't need sharing". I'm totally not ready to share too much irl, aside from my boyfriend, who is lovely and puts up with all the drama I throw at him when I'm anxious (most of the time), but I know I can do it here.

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Actions I took today to make my life better:

 

- Woke up early enough to do WH breathing and take cold shower.

- Went to self-defence.

- Did some animal flow afterwards, and finished with yoga (hips, quads and hamstrings, neck and shoulders).

- Ate properly at lunch.

- Read a few pages.

- Read a post in icelandic.

- Did a few math problems.

- Did some music practice even when I didn't feel doing it.

 

Things I need to talk about (and will try to find time to do so): my upcoming visit to my hometown and to my brother's house, and why I feel like I don't want to go, and how is it that visiting my brother is creating more anxiety than visiting my parents.

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Well you say the title might be too epic, but you never know where these small tiny changes will lead. :) 

 

And can I just say your action list is pretty damn impressive! 

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6 hours ago, zenLara said:

Maybe it is too much of an epic thread title for what it will contain: the same old little daily steps towards what is, by now, an unknown destination

 

Chemists are still unable to determine the subatomic structure of Adamantium, but they are pretty sure (in fact, they are adamant) that it contains lots of little daily steps to what will forever remain an unknown destination :)

 

 

6 hours ago, zenLara said:

Actions I took today to make my life better:

  • ....

 

Just made a note to try this in my journaling, thanks!

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11 hours ago, zenLara said:

I've reduced my daily habits to the smallest action I can do every day about each of them, to reduce the pressure of my strong inner critic. Doing that little action usually drives me to doing way more, but also allows me to feel that I'm working my way even on those days when I only do the smallest bit.

I love this idea so much I'm going to steal replicate it :) 

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I'm very glad you came back to us :)

 

12 hours ago, zenLara said:

Actions I took today to make my life better:

 

And I really really love this ^ set up. 

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Oh, wow, I got a lot of visitors! :)

 

16 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Well you say the title might be too epic, but you never know where these small tiny changes will lead. :) 

You mean... like an adventure:squee: personal revamp by AutumnOwl

 

16 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

And can I just say your action list is pretty damn impressive! 

Looks long, but the actions are so short I can do them all in about 15 minutes. Still, feels weird how some days I will feel resistance even against those short 15 minutes.

 

10 hours ago, SymphonicDan said:

Chemists are still unable to determine the subatomic structure of Adamantium, but they are pretty sure (in fact, they are adamant) that it contains lots of little daily steps to what will forever remain an unknown destination :)

 

After this paragraph, we're definitely in an adventure setting :D

 

6 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I love this idea so much I'm going to steal replicate it :) 

Couldn't be otherwise, a shiny hunter like you...

(I bet it was you who tweaked my rank...)

 

5 hours ago, deftona said:

I'm very glad you came back to us :)

Feels a bit like coming back home :)

 

Thank you for coming by, guys! And for your nice words :)

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So, rambling time. Real, actual, total rambling. Because this is a complicated subject for me, and I don't even think I'm going to be able to put an order to my thoughts. There we go.

Spoiler

My brother. The visit. 

I only visit my parents because of him. I spent years without talking to them after a final confrontation with my mother, when I decided it was better for me to cut the relationship for good. My brother took it badly and didn't speak to me for years too. We got back in contact when he was getting divorced and I helped him a bit through it. Then he asked me to at least visit once in a while "because you know, it's not the same, they're old now". Deep inside him he dislikes what I did because he couldn't do it himself. I don't say this to be mean to him, I'd wish he had the strength to put himself in front of my mother and say what he needs to say, but instead he suffers a lot inside him, trying to maintain a relationship that is not what he wants.

In this state of things, he got a new girlfriend. I loved it. A woman a bit older than him, with a fine arts phd, living in the city. He moved outside of our hometown for the first time in his life and I thought that living in the city, with her artists contacts, and out of the reach of my parents, would do him a lot of good. I was so happy for him. This woman had an old house in a village and they decided to refurbish it together, and it looked like a very good project for both to share. Well, the things is, they moved to that house last year, leaving the city. There are about 8 other people living in that village, so they have cut almost all social life. He works from home and she is on a pension due to a permanent disability caused by a car accident years ago, so they don't get outside of the house much. Then, she has some -in my opinion, imaginary- digestive problems (more on her sickness later), and that, added to my brother's eternal laziness to cook, has led them to reduce the variety of things they eat, and right now they survive on seeds, some bread, some cheese, nuts occasionally. No fish, no meat, no eggs, barely no vegetables or fruit. This has debilitated them, specially my brother, who doesn't have the best health, so they've stopped even the mildest activity such as walking. They spend a lot of time sleeping and inside of the house. This got to a point that during their last visit my brother got a big headache just from walking in the sun for 10 minutes while we went to the market place. He joked saying "outside is bad, sunlight is bad". Light and the heat bother him a lot lately.

 

The food problem is even more sad when I think of how much he enjoys nice food and a good meal. I know he is hungry all the time. I know because when he comes to my place he eats like there is no tomorrow, and he enjoys every bit.

 

Yeah, no, his girlfriend doesn't cook either. And this gets us to the next problem: she has made of him something like his personal assistant. She doesn't even need to ask anymore for things: I've seen her wake up in the morning, way after we had had breakfast, sat at the table, and just wait for my brother to prepare her breakfast, which she eats without even a thank you. Now, he does that because she needs a lot of care because of her problems. But, which problems? I don't even know where to start on this, the thing is that after their last visit here, we have started to suspect it's all bullshit and that she uses these "illnesses" to control the behaviour of people around her, to get more attention and get things done her way. I know I sound mean again, it is difficult to explain the situation without knowing her. I'm not saying that she is doing that on purpose, because I'm almost sure she's not. I think she is a good nice person, but we're suspecting factitious disorder, for several reasons.

 

So, the visit. We're spending one day at my parents' house, which would be bad enough, but then we are also spending 2 and a half days at their place. I'm terrified. They have become very dull people, that only think about rest and not spending much energy. My brother has become to think that that's how life has to be. Calm, boring, without any distress. I know he searches for this because he feels like shit inside of him. He needs control, and has found that in that type of life he has it. Well, sort of. He doesn't talk much about his anxiety issues, but he lets some things escape here and there, and I can see through those words because anxiety is my realm and I know what feelings hide behind what he says. But he is hard to influence, specially when I see him only twice a year and always in her company. When they were here, I prepared a lot of activities for us to do, mild easy ones I know he likes and still it was a pain to make him get off the couch. Eating was a huge problem because of many reasons, and both my boyfriend and I have decided to bring our own food to the house and cook for all of us, and not let them prepare us cheese sandwiches.

 

I feel so mean thinking this way. I just want him to be happy, and I don't see him happy. I see him tired, bored, his life having no incentives, recluded in that solitary village. I see him reproducing the same patterns my father had with my mother, yielding to anything she wants, letting her manipulate him into isolation. Sometimes I think, maybe that's what he truly wants. I know he considers my lifestyle as "dangerous". He can't barely accept that I do such "violent" activities as martial arts, he thinks running is crazy, bad for the knees, bad for the joints, bad for your chi, bad for your body. He saw me doing yoga backbends one morning and he literally facepalmed in front of me and left the room faking panic, like if I were doing something terrible. He doesn't want to make me feel bad, but he's internalised so strongly that life has to be slow and uneventful, and that the body must remain calm and underused to avoid injures, that he's starting to see things such as a cobra pose as crazy (luckily he left before I arrived to bridges). I took them to a short walk in a woods (a more civilized, sunday-walkers prepared woods, not the one I visit) and they were walking like old people, so slowly. My brother spent half of the walk criticising people that walk fast, because they don't take the time to enjoy the environment or the place and then criticising a friend of his that goes out to run every morning, even when now and then he gets injured. My brother thinks this guy is an idiot because he keeps on running despite the occasional pain just because he enjoys running (am I the only one that thinks he looks like an asshole when he says such things?). And that the only activity we should do sould be tai chi, which is good for the chi, the joints, the mind and everything. I have nothing against tai chi, I practiced it a few years ago and found it to be a quite rewarding exercise, and I certainly would love that he would practice it. He met this girl at a tai chi place, but the moment they got together they stopped attending the lessons, and I am very sure they do not practice at home either.

 

I'm a little ball of nerves about this trip. I'm feeling it will be tedious and stressing, and it hurts so much to think that I think my time with my brother will be tedious and stressing. It's the worst part. I feel so mean. In the end, he has chosen to live like that, right? I choose to live in a way he finds terrible. He probably thinks I'm crazy "what's that? A slackline?" But he somehow accepts it. Shouldn't I do the same? Maybe I don't look happy to him either and he would like me to experience life the way he does, I don't know. 

 

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18 minutes ago, annyshay said:

Also, I love the title!

Yay for epic thread titles then!

And welcome!

 

---

Actions I took today to make my life better:

 

- WH breathing as I woke up.

- Watched a short video in icelandic about the Chernobyl accident.

- Went to kali-eskrima lesson.

- Went groceries shopping.

- Did some yoga (backbends, pike handstand, neck).

- Took a needed nap after lunch.

- Did 1 math problem.

- Didn't want to practice, but started with the short impro and stayed for a long hour.

- Read a few pages.

- 1 push-up, 1 "pull-up".

- Wrote down some thoughts about my brother and our relationship instead of chewing over it for hours.

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Have you talked to your brother about any this stuff? About the anxiety? Does he know how poor nutrition and lack of challenge, mental and physical, affects the body in the long run? If he doesn’t know it might be worth explaining, without judgement that he’s in fact harming himself. But if he does know this stuff then it’s really up to him and pushing will likely have the opposite effect. :/ Must be awful to see him fade away like that though... Maybe one day he’ll be ready to change and then you can be there for him but until then I don’t have any better ideas than talking to him and be patient... 

 

Either way, you do you! Maybe he’ll one day realise that it’s ok to move and have fun!

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8 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Have you talked to your brother about any this stuff? About the anxiety? Does he know how poor nutrition and lack of challenge, mental and physical, affects the body in the long run? If he doesn’t know it might be worth explaining, without judgement that he’s in fact harming himself. But if he does know this stuff then it’s really up to him and pushing will likely have the opposite effect. :/ Must be awful to see him fade away like that though... Maybe one day he’ll be ready to change and then you can be there for him but until then I don’t have any better ideas than talking to him and be patient... 

 

Either way, you do you! Maybe he’ll one day realise that it’s ok to move and have fun!

You speak a lot of sense.

I answer you in the spoiler because it started as a short paragraph and ended being humungous.

 

Spoiler

I've tried to talk... as indirectly as I can, since as soon as anything about lifestyle is mentioned, he gets defensive. Not in an agressive way, but he makes it clear he doesn't want to talk about that. I never do any comments that he could feel as directed to him, I'm more about, I don't know, sometimes I will just mention how good I felt that day after my class, or how fun it is to be able to do this or that, and he will start on how that consumes your chi and how we should just rest and breath and restore ourselves. He won't even listen to cheerful music or fast movements (in classical music) to not disturb that state of calm he needs so much :/  I know I should respect his choices, I know everyone is different and what works for me doesn't necessarily work for anybody else, and I know that when he goes on about chi and energy and criticizes someone for not taking those things in account, he's just trying to defend his point of view and his way to understand life, but still, it all feels so weird when took as a whole (lack of exercise, lack of incentives, lack of food, lack of social life...).

 

About nutrition, I've tried to point out some interesting things, but he will dismiss it too. We can't eat meat or fish because it is full of trash: antibiotics, mercury, etc. and vegetables are full of pesticides. He's very concerned about all of that. He's also convinced that protein and fat aren't good. I recommended him one good blog about nutrition, where a guy analyzes and discusses studies about nutrition and supports his points of view with science and solid arguments. My brother was interested in science and medicine when he was young, so I thought it would be a better way for him to have access to other points of view, and I almost succeeded, because he actually found it very interesting and started reading it at home, and I was like YES! until a few weeks later he texted me saying he had found that the guy had a second blog, where he had a post about vaccines. Yeah, of course, my brother is anti-vax, which I can't f*** understand since we don't have to go so far in our family to find deaths caused by chicken pox. And so, he stopped reading the blog.

 

About anxiety, we talk, now and then. He only likes to share some story, make some comment, sometimes we even joke about the hell that was our childhood, but he's not ready to go deeper. Sincerely, I'm not either, with him. I've shared a lot of my problems with my boyfriend and other people, but with my brother would be tough. I think he feels the same, and so I'm trying the mildest approach, comfortable enough for both of us. Is in these conversations when I can see that he suffered way more than I imagine (after all, he spent 5 more years alone in that house until I was born).

 

Had a talk with boyfriend last night, and we're going to try our best these days, without making comments that may look like criticism. On one side, we've prepared some dishes we know he likes, as a complement to what they will cook to make the meals more varied. Then, we've also taken a look at a couple of nice places around the village that I know my brother enjoys and we'd also like to visit, so there's a way to get them off the house and into some walking. Then, at my parents house, I don't know how it will go. We're spending new year's eve there, and apparently my mother was worried about what would she cook for dinner (she is a terrible terrible cook), and my brother told her not to worry, that we would just eat a mushroom omelette and grab a bag of potato chips waterfall-eye emoticon by 19thSenshi

 

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Actions I took today to make my life better:

 

- WH breathing

- Read a short post in icelandic (and understood almost everything without using translator!)

- Went grocery shopping to cook meals for the trip

- Prepared said meals

- Did a few neck stretches after my music practice

- Was able to make short rewarding pauses in between activities that I found hard

- Read a few pages

- 1 push-up, 1 "pull-up"

- 1 quick sketch

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Geez, I'm sorry but honestly from the way you write it sounds like your brother might be a lost cause. :/ At least for now. Hopefully he'll come to realise that his choices are not sustainable but it feels like they have to come from him. I was curious about the chi stuff though, I don't know anything about it, but isn't there an idea that you need to balance calm, resting energies with the fiery, action energies (yin yang stuff)? I'd be curious to hear how he'd respond to that as within that framework wouldn't just sitting on his butt lead to disharmony? 

 

Anyways, I'm just going to stick with the only advice that I can think of - you do you. :) 

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On 1/1/2019 at 5:16 PM, Mad Hatter said:

but isn't there an idea that you need to balance calm, resting energies with the fiery, action energies (yin yang stuff)? I'd be curious to hear how he'd respond to that as within that framework wouldn't just sitting on his butt lead to disharmony? 

Haha! Such a good idea. I guess he would come out with something about energy that I don't know about, or would tell me that daily activities are enough to balance it :D I wished I had thought of it though, would have been worth to hear the answer.

 

More venting. Different subject.

I'm really frustrated right now. I went to my self-defence lesson today to find out that they have changed the schedule, and fridays are thai boxing days from now on. I had to come back home without receiving any lesson, and worst, when I checked out the rest of the schedule, I realized that the self-defence and mkg classes (combination of martial arts) which I had finally signed up for, have seen their hours reduced, to the point that the only day I could attend would be on mondays. I knew that day would come, since we are few attending those lessons, I'm sure you remember that I mentioned how some times I was the only one there. Well, it's over. I was so high on finally having taken the decision of going 3 days a week instead of 2, that now that I'm stuck with one a week or less it's gonna be depressing.

 

About brother.

Spoiler

Went better than I thought. Taking the initiative worked in that we managed to get them off the house and had them walk for a couple of hours everyday. Also, taking food with us helped in two ways, on one side we had more food available, and then my brother kind of got the message when I told him we were bringing some dishes and bought some meat and fruit. He ate way better too, almost like if he were at our house. 

Other things don't change, though. His girlfriend is still completely focused on her illnessess and her past life. Her only subjects to talk about are how sick she is because of that car accident (30 something years ago) and her divorce (10 years ago). It can really get on your nerves to hear her talk -for literally hours- about these things. My boyfriend came back quite frustrated from the travel because he tries to make her see things from another perspective, less negative, and less past-dwelling, and gets nothing.

But what worried me is that my brother is thinking on stopping work altogether. He is tired of dealing with people (always trying to get the job done for less money) and of web design, and has decided to slowly reduce orders until he gets rid of all of that and can live on his girlfriend's pension. This looks so completely wrong to me. I thought that the positive side of it would be that he could start working on personal projects, like comic books and book illustration, things he always loved to work on, but he started to moan about how when he thinks of the details of a story he wants to draw, it gets so well defined in his mind that he doesn't feel about drawing it because why to bother since he has already enjoyed it. Maybe @Mad Hatter is right and he is a lost cause. Anyway, I insisted in that maybe we want to read it and enjoy it and he started on people not being interested in his work, so I adviced him to make two changes: one, to start promoting himself in the right places, not just his facebook page (where he sometimes deletes contacts because "they aren't interested and never even hit like", oh c'mon!); and two, to open accounts in art forums, to share work and make contacts. Also, I suggested he could switch to english, so he would have way more people to reach, and offered him to send me any text he wants to work on for a comic strip or whatever and I will translate it for him. I'm sure it's not going to be like an actual translator work, but at least it would get him started. I am not sure he will do any of this. He thinks everything is too much work and not worth it, and I'm not surprised: who has energy to run an active website or youtube channel if you're not even well fed?

Then my boyfried and me came back home, tired and frustrated from the trip, and we had an argument about some stupid thing and we spent a day being idiots to each other, which doesn't happen frequently, but oh. Anxiety is quite high right now, and quickly piling up since I have a couple of rehearsals this next week on 3 pieces I haven't properly worked on (one of them is still waiting for me even to read it), and I feel like I have no energy to get back to practice. At least, this time I'm trying to be kind to myself and to understand I need to treat myself nicely.

 

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Actions I took yesterday to make my life better:

 

- Read an icelandic post.

- Went to silat class.

- Did some yoga (quads, hamstrings, backbends).

- Flute practice. I didn't want to, but I worked only on material I enjoyed, and on short sessions, and also gave myself mini-rewards for them in between.

- Read a few pages.

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I was thinking of your brother as I got back to exercising this week. The crew I run with are extremely expert in everything chi related, so if you ever need some talking points/ammunition for a future duscussion, I can hit them up :)

 

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1 hour ago, WhiteGhost said:

I was thinking of your brother as I got back to exercising this week. The crew I run with are extremely expert in everything chi related, so if you ever need some talking points/ammunition for a future duscussion, I can hit them up :)

 

:D I'm not ruling that out.

 

Still munching about the gym. It's so frustrating. I'm finding it hard to come back to fitness, and this was my best idea. Going there would make me accountable, because of the money spent, and working out with people it's easy and fun compared to starting some program at home. Not to mention, I actually like the lessons themselves. If I'm cornered to one lesson a week, is it even worth it? I will still be paying for two lessons even if I take only one, since it's their lowest fee, and I won't really go through the program if I only go there once a week. I'll lose a lot of information and practice. I'm overreacting maybe. It's frustration talking. But I know if I have to stay at home making my way alone through IS or something similar is just not going to happen.

Resultado de imagen de sad rain gif

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Gosh I really hope the thing with your brother is just a (very long) phase. :( It's really rather sad and it sounds like he's not really happy. It also sounds like he could really do with spending some time without his girlfriend and get reintroduced to normal life again. 

 

Shame about the classes. Are there any other places? Wasn't there ninja gym in the area?

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hello friend! I was thinking about you over the christmas holiday because my stepson listened to a podcast with a LOT of tips on how to be a better human being and one of them was to take super cold showers and I feel like because of you, I was able to impress him with information about the WH method and hopefully looked cool in the process.

 

I'm personally sneaking back in after a long break. I'm sorry about your gym! could you approach them about a different price, because you want to go to the self-defence classes but they've changed the schedule? maybe they would make a deal for you.

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20 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

It's really rather sad and it sounds like he's not really happy. It also sounds like he could really do with spending some time without his girlfriend and get reintroduced to normal life again. 

I'm in no position to change that it seems, but by now I've decided that at least I'm going to try to be more "present" in his life. He doesn't like phone calls, and avoids them at all costs, so I'll be texting him everyday, even if it is for random silly things. He's found interesting that I've started to sketch and I've send him a couple of pictures of what I am doing, and he sent me some pictures of some works done in that style, so there we are by now.

 

20 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Are there any other places? Wasn't there ninja gym in the area?

There is a taekwondo place in town, but my visit there a couple years ago wasn't too satisfactory. About the ninja gym: they've stopped the MovNat classes I was interested in, and while Animal Flow is still in their schedule, the class taking place on fridays is the advanced one, which people are not allowed to attend until they go through the first two levels, which are scheduled in other differents days of the week, coinciding with my work hours.

 

20 hours ago, karinajean said:

hello friend! I was thinking about you over the christmas holiday because my stepson listened to a podcast with a LOT of tips on how to be a better human being and one of them was to take super cold showers and I feel like because of you, I was able to impress him with information about the WH method and hopefully looked cool in the process.

But you look cool no matter what! :)

 

20 hours ago, karinajean said:

I'm personally sneaking back in after a long break. I'm sorry about your gym! could you approach them about a different price, because you want to go to the self-defence classes but they've changed the schedule? maybe they would make a deal for you.

It's nice to see you back. I guess your life is as packed as always, so best of luck in your come back.

About the gym, there are no discounts for people going only once a week, and I don't think they're going to do an exception for me. I'm still frustrated about what happened yesterday, and I don't understand why they have changed the schedules in the middle of the year (usually gyms here run their programs following the scholar year, from september to june, I don't know in other places), but there is nothing I can do about it.

This morning I was desperate enough about it to start looking for other activities I might like, but aside from the taekwondo place, there's nothing here but conventional gyms and a couple of crossfit boxes. I don't like conventional gyms, and crossfit is not something I'm attracted to, and looking for those places made me think how much I enjoy what I'm currently doing.

 

Actions I took yesterday to make my life better:

 

- WH breathing and shower

- Reading an icelandic short post

- Music practice

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More maundering. You were warned at the top message, right?

 

Paralyzed by anxiety. Spent the morning waisting my time, and when thinking of my little actions it felt overwhelming to do any of them. I wasn't even able to choose which one to do. Ended doing nothing.

I guess it's a mixture of several things worrying me, and also being tired from going out last night.

Feeling like I won't have time to prepare all my pieces for wednesday, and I obviously won't if I keep not working on them. Feeling like practicing today is a big no.

Wanted to re-draw some tangerines that I watercolored a few days ago but my brain keeps saying I won't be able to do it nicely this time. Like if I care. I'm not in this drawing thing to make good drawings. I'm into this only for the pleasure of it, no matter the results. But my stupid brain is stupid.

There's still one more family reunion left with my boyfriend's family, and I'm feeling like I've had enough. Holidays have been a massive energy eater and I don't feel I'm ready to get back to work (who is, anyway).

 

I wished I could escape this whirl of negativity I've been stuck in for so long. I'm quite conscious I'm only looking at the bad side of my daily life. I'm in a period of my life when I don't seem to give any value to the good things that happen, or that are just there already. It's helping anxiety to stay in high levels.

 

I had an uncomfortable conversation with bf this morning. Uncomfortable for me. He was being nice. He was saying I don't realise how a wonderful person I am, and how other people see me. He said a lot of good and beautiful things about me, and I felt like shit because I just can't see myself under that light.

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59 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Paralyzed by anxiety.

 

I know the feeling. Not one of the friends I appreciate the most but it comes to visit me from time to time. Best way I have found to handle it is to consider it just like that: an unwanted friend. It comes, we have tea, some awful conversations, we fill a bathtub with tears and when I manage to summon more powerful positive thoughts, it goes back home.

 

 

59 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I had an uncomfortable conversation with bf this morning. Uncomfortable for me. He was being nice. He was saying I don't realise how a wonderful person I am, and how other people see me. He said a lot of good and beautiful things about me, and I felt like shit because I just can't see myself under that light.

 

I know it's easier to say than to do but when it happens, I try to take some perspective and look at myself as a different person (that is: not me). How would I see and judge myself? With loathing? Compassion and understanding? Admiration? It works for me because I tend to cut way more slack to others than I do to myself, so I don't know if it applies to your situation in any way.

 

Anyway, take care. You can decline going to the family reunion if you wish. I've not seen a person for nearly two weeks despite the invitations because I had to rest and rebuild myself. The people who really care tend to understand, those who do not care are not worth spending time with.

 

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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It's really hard and I wish I had a solution but I don't. Sometimes I think we have to let ourselves feel all the feels, even if they are dark and negative and completely irrational. Because you are an amazing person, you might not be able to see it right now, but you really are.

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